Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Husband Cheated While I am Pregnant – Should I Forgive Him?

October 30, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

Thank you for your website. It is a great help to many Muslims out there.

I have just found out my husband has cheated on me while I am now pregnant. He admitted it and he told me he was sorry and begged for forgivness and said he would repent to Allah and try to make me forgive him till the day he dies.

He told me all the details of what happened and although there was no actual sexual intercourse he did commit zena by nudity and oral sex.

I took time to think and told him I forgive him because I still do love him and also for my baby.

Is this the right action for a Muslim woman? Should I have not forgiven him or does Islam tell the woman to forgive?

Please advise me as I am now scared I made the wrong decision.

Thank you.

- Sister L. from New Zealand

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister L., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

As you know, zinaa (fornication or adultery) is a major sin in Islam. It destroys families and tears apart the fabric of the society. It breaks the hearts of husbands and wives and causes a lack of trust and a disillusionment with one's partner that is often permanent.

I sympathize with you and with the pain you must be experiencing. The fact that you are pregnant makes this especially trying, since this is a time when a woman needs love and support from her husband, not stress.

I cannot tell you what to do in this situation. You must follow your own heart. But I can point out some issues to consider:

1. You said that he has already made tawbah (repentance) to Allah. I will assume that his repentance is sincere. If this is the case, then it's up to Allah to judge him and his sin. We all make mistakes in life - some worse than others, admittedly. But we all require forgiveness at some point in our lives.

2. Islam values forgiveness and mercy. If you truly believe that he will not repeat these actions, and if (aside from this incident) he is a loving and kind husband, then I feel that forgiving him is the best thing for you, your baby and your family.

3. In order for that to work, you must be able to truly forgive, and not to hold a grudge or to constantly attack him with his past behavior.

4. With all that said, I am not suggesting that you should be a doormat to be stepped on. If you give him a second chance, he must live up to it. If he cheats on you again, or carries on inappopriate behavior with women, then it's over. There should be no third chances. Otherwise you just become a victim to be taken advantage of endlessly.

If any readers have experienced this, or have further advice, feel free to post your comments below.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor
IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice


Tagged as: , , , , ,

52 Responses »

  1. I have similar problem but in this situation, my husband impregnates the woman who is not muslim. He cheated on me several times and forgave him for it. And now, he did it again and worse, he impregnated the woman. He told me he does not have any intensions of marrying the woman as the woman does not want to convert to Islam. We've been married only for more than a year, please advise what should I do now. Should I give him another chance? He told me that he won't do it again and will change for good.

    • men always say this. "please give me another chance" , "I promise to do better.", "it won't happen again." and every other lame escuse out there. The fact of the matter is that men are pigs, They will always be pigs. It there true nature. so the question is, Do I forgive him? my answer is yes. yes, forgive him. forgive as the lord forgave you. we all here for a purpose, life is a big test.and when the day of judgement comes, allah will look at our forgiving hearts and be very pleased. forgiving our husbands does'nt mean that we should allow them to continue to use us. or, to step on us like rugs. In your situation, your husband hurt you deeply and, i can trust that that whole will take a long time to fiil. although you must remember, you are not the only one suffering from this. your husband knows he got another woman pregnatt and, he has to live with that sin hanging above him everyday. allah treasures a forgiving heart. on the day of judgement, allah will see your husband's heart and yours and then he can be the only one to decide who is acepted into the kindom of heaven. this is why i feel forgivness is very inportant even in times that are very much difficult.

      Alyssa, age 10

      • Alyssa, are you really ten years old? Your thoughts are very profound for someone your age.

        Unfortunately your thoughts are also very bitter and cynical, and it's really disappointing to see someone so young expressing such ideas. I'm guessing that you are repeating negative thoughts that you are hearing from an older female in your life. That's too bad.

        You said, "men are pigs, They will always be pigs. It there true nature."

        This is not Islamic thinking. Islam teaches that all human beings are born on Fitrah, the pure nature. All human beings are naturally inclined toward Allah. As they grow up they may confirm their pure nature, or they may become corrupted.

        There have been great men throughout human history, men who were selfless and kind, brave and wise. From the Prophets, to the Sahabah, to the tabi'een, to the great scholars and thinkers. Even in the modern day there are so many good men. I can think of three men I have personally known who have impressed me as being so knowledgeable, and yet also so humble and sincere. They are Imam Zaid Shakir, Yusuf Islam, and Imam Suhaib Webb.

        I hope you do not think that all those men are pigs.

        Of course there have also been great women throughout history, and are many great women today. Greatness, and sincerity, and wisdom are not limited to men or women. Every human being is an individual and must be judged separately from everyone else.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • i have a small question. can men guard themselves from sexual lust. isn't it like women for men. Is it difficult for men to control them. I askd this coz my husband šaid so.

          • i don't understand. why men do this to there wives, who stay at home take care of there families give them food children, guide themselves from being adulterous, but hwy men can not control, what is wrong. what men this can they get away from Zina?? Zinah is a sin for everyone, not just on sex.

            May ALLAH bless you sisters and give you happiness, and may ALLAH guide your husband's to the right path. Ameen.

            Best wishes, ANNA

      • I would forgive him once or twice, but the third time, LET HIM GO! The third time he committed adultry KNOWING it was wrong. Allah will understand that you are protecting yourself from hurt, pain, and diseases and you are leading as a strong example for your children not to put up with abuse. Adultry is a form of abuse, abuse of power and abuse of an innocent woman. Pure women are meant to be with pure men and unpure women are meant to be with unpure men.
        Good luck.

        • I never never give him a chance... If he can do it the first time, he can do i the second and third too. let him go the first time. he can ask ALLAH to give him a second chance why should he ask a human who doesn't know anything...???

    • As salaamu alaikum. My Sister. Love goes a long way and forgiveness is paramount. However, I have been a person who has cheated and I have also been cheated on. It is important as a person who commits this great sin, to seek out allahs swt forgiveness. There are so many different reasons why people cheat. With your story, it doesn't sound like he doesn't love you. However, it sounds to me that he is lieing to himself. I think he will still continue to have illegal sex with her. And, if he had no intentions of marrying her or continuing his affair with her, he would not have repeated his affair, he would not have chosen someone who doesn't meet any Islamic requirements, he would not have put himself in that situation. Over and over. It sounds like he is letting his desires take precedence over his family of which includes you as his wife. It hurts, but if Allah guides you to leave, you should leave and a more loving husband will be presented to you. Wa salaams

    • The best answer and solution is that you are not having sex with him the way he wants.
      So best is to talk to him, tell him that if he want to have sex anyway or anytime you will give him. This is what nekah is.
      People think talking about sex is bad in Islam .
      My husband just cam to me and told me that he is not happy the way we have sex, so I asked him and made his dream or fantasy come true. In which we have sex three or four times per week and I give him oral sex every morning, and now he is happy and we have a strong relationship.
      Even when he tells me to stay naked all day at home I do it.

      • With all due respect I dont believe sex is the solutin to everybodies problems. Emotional instability,lack of emotion,lack of joint decisions, financial problems,infidelity etc. are all huge problems. I think it takes alot more than being a sex slave to overcome the fact that your life partner cheated on you,and worse than having a physical relationship with someone else is that he would have an emotional one. Woman are emotional creatures. Degrading yourself and stooping to being his slave will not cure matters. You will eventually just feel used.

  2. please help me. i married by husband 6 years ago. we have had a lot of ups and downs in our marriage. but last year when i was pregnant with my son, i found that my husband was trying to contact his ex from 15yrs ago, he tried to deny it, but all the proof was on the computer. he did it a month after i had my baby. a year later i have had another baby and at,(a beautiful girl) first i thought it was hormones, but i realise thatits not. i feel like i forgiven him, but i cant forget! i cant get her beautiful image out my head, i cant get the thoughts of how they were torn apart and forced away form each other back then. i cant forget how to all the messages he sent her he put kisses on the end of them (he never does that to me). we always had a very very loving relationship and in a way still do, bu these thoughts are killing me. i come to a point that iv cried and cried and cried that now the only way i know how to stop crying is be hard faced and not be so loving to him. i dont think he really realises much though as i still behave nicely. i know the person im hurting the most is me, and i know that there is nothing more to talk about and i know that he loves me and i know it meant nothing and i know i will never divorce him because i love him so much, yet i feel like im breaking. i know the answer is prayers, but i dont do it, i feel even more distance from religion. i wish i never caught him, that way my heart wouldnt be aching. i try so hard to keep strog for my kids, but mentally im drainig away and i feel its going to be the death of me. i know all he did was talk to her but it s the whole story of he was taken away from her. feel like there are no answers left to heal this wound except for if he was to die. i feel like at least ill be thinking and crying over that, and not what he has done. iv given everything in my life for him and 6 years of marriage i have stayed and treated him like a king, and i loved it and he loved that, i just wanted to make him soo happy, but he gave me this in return. i wish so much i had not caugh him, i really wish that.

    • Open up yourself, speak it out, tell him everything that you know or are feeling with strength from your emaan. This would help you to see how important your are for him. Be strong and calm down! [serious]

      Now, where's your trust in Allah SWT? Your comment makes you sound like absolutely helpless, hopeless, and pessimistic. Please don't, Allah SWT will be on your side, inshallah.

      "And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out, And He provides for him (sources) he never could imagine" [Quran Al-Talaq 2-3] .. so, sources you can't even imagine, isn't it great ?! .. alhamdolillah :>

      Listen to this again and again: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58g-ZNWxv20

      Do istikhara before every step in your life: http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/Dua/How_to_do_Istakhara.htm .. also, understand the beauty of the words of this dua, this will help.

      The life of this world is 0.0000000.. % of your life in akhirah. What you do in it, destines what you get in hereafter. So, what's your plan for the life of eternal beauty, pleasure, and peace ?! :) If you think things are not working for your betterment, here and esp. in the hereafter, be strong and take decisions. Overtime, inshallah, Allah SWT will add blessings, and life will be a smooth trip towards a new beginning.

      Few Duas:

      "Oh Allah, grant me your love, grant me that I love those who love you; grant me, that I might do the deeds that win your love. Make your love dearer to me than the love of myself, my family and wealth."

      "Oh Allah, it is Your mercy that I hope for, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshiped except You."

      "Oh Allah, make my love for You the most beloved thing to me, and my fear for You the most fearful thing to me, and remove from me all worldly needs and wants by instilling a passion for meeting You, and when You have given the people of the world the pleasures of their world, make the coolness of my eyes (pleasure) in worshiping You."

      Jazakallah Khayr, may Allah help you, asalamalaikum.

    • Sister,reading your words give me goosebumps. Its almost as if I can feel your pain. I hope everything comes right for you. Im making duaa.

  3. thank you :) please please make dua for me. pleasee

  4. sister L. dont forget to get your husband tested!!.....many times innocent women got HIV from their unfaithful husband !!

  5. Listen to yourselfs? You are letting theese so called muslim men manipulate you!
    he has made to non muslim women pregnant, but he doesnt want to marry either of them, bcus they are not muslims? What a hipocrit, zina is a big sin, yet he keeps doing his thing. I dont get why he want the women to be "muslim", when he is not "muslim" himself, he only calls himself. this upsets me,

    this is just my opnion though

  6. no i think my head will never be clear. why am i not turning to Allah. I pray in my heart to Allah but i dont do my namaz, why, why is this happening?

    • Sister ak, if you have any further comments please log in and write a separate post instead of tacking your question on to a post that is four years old.

      You have a choice to make. If you cannot live with what your husband has done, you can leave him. Before you do this, however, I would ask you to really take time and try to find forgiveness in your heart. Give yourself time for the pain to pass and the wound to heal.

      If he has really reformed and repented for his sin, then you might want to forgive him and stay with him. It's really up to you. If you do choose to stay with him, then you must find a way to let go of the past.

      Regarding you not doing your prayers, it's a choice that you are making.

      If you say, "My head will never be clear" then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You condemn yourself, then you don't take the steps necessary to change, and so your prediction comes true.

      Every morning when you wake up you have the ability to make a different choice. That is the wonder and the miracle of life and of free will. Allah is there, waiting for you, waiting to forgive you and hear you and respond to you. You only have to take advantage of the gifts Allah has given you.

      One thing that helps is to surround yourself with people who pray and are conscious of Allah. If you have any friends who have good, strong spirits, try to spend time with them.

    • Salaams ak,

      I hope you have moved on from this (looking at the date of yor post).

      Stop distressing over a cheating husband, don't waste your time destroying yourself. You'll be worse off and tthe fact remains that he still cheated. The best thing is to forget it and move on. It is hard and memories can trigger all kinds of painful emotions. However one must replace this unhealthy obsession over such things with obedience and devotion to Allah.
      Now matter how one is feeeling, one should pray. Even if you can only manage the fard, do salaat. We cannot at least hope for Allah's help withot doing so. This is the best remedy.
      It is better praying to Allah that He frees your heart and mind from these worldly issues and replaces it with love for HIm.
      When feeling down try to be objective about your own situation. What would you advise another person in this state?
      Forget your cheating husband and remember Allah. Keep praying and with patience you will begin to feel lighter and the burden of this torment removed from your heart.

      Regards,

      Troubled

      • Allah made you and expects you to respect and protect yourself! It is your obligation to God to respect your body (don't allow him to bring your disease and kill yourself, since that is exactly what you are doing, killing yourself) and protect yourself for your kids' sake. They need their mother, healthy mother. Why "make exuses" for these cheating men? The big issue is not that you are staying in your unhealthy marriages because of God, you are staying because you don't believe you have the strength to leave and you are using God as an excuse! That is the very sad part of it all and your children are watching and learning from you. They too will be raised to be weak individuals, putting up with abuse and mistreatment.


  7. Salaam

    Ive been married 7yrs,and 3 yrs ago i got diagnosed with cancer,and 6 months later my little bro who was 22 died in car accident and then my grandma suddenly dies a week later. In that time whilst i was grieving he was telling me as a joke that he had rights to get married,and that i was no good for him anymore a RIGHT OFF' was the terms used and that cuz i was unable to have more children his family didnt want him. My husband meanwhile without my knowledge had gone back home and got married to a woman,telling her i was dying and would die any day. I came home when my chemo was more acceptable by my body just to see if my husband was ok but ,whilst i was cleaning i found nikkha papers telling me that he had married this woman without my knowledge 1 month after the 2 deaths in my family,whilst he told me that he was looking for a better cure for me. When i found out i came back by train to find out why,i was not allowed to be out in public,but i still came back home and he had changed the locks to my home. My son at the time was 2 yrs old at the time,he deserted us. i was very ill but not dying,he didnt even think about his own innocent son.

    • Noor, your story is tragic and what your husband did is terrible. However, if you are looking for answers or comments then you need to log in and write your question as a separate post. Thank you.

    • in some of our cultures a wife means
      1-who serves husband and mother in law
      2-gives birth to sons
      3-looks beautiful, or gori to be exact. that she is to have fair/white skin color. the kids are expected to take the color from the mother
      if she gets sick, or can't have kids, or doesn't cook very well, she can not serve any or all of the above purposes. the husbands and in-laws think this is a justifiable excuse to get a new servant, oops i meant wife/daugther in law. also, if the husband thinks a wife is not good looking enough, which anybody can think about anybody, it's the same consequence.
      i have seen literal examples of such situations in pakistan. and here, a lady had a brain hemorage, and some lady said something like, "her husband is so unlucky". i am roughly translating into english. what about that poor girl in her twenties who has two babies and now a brain hemorage? they are only concerned about the husband!
      it is extremly painful for us wives who do really love our husbands and shocking, but some of our cultures are so bad. what about the best example? the one who had a wife who gave him daughters only. he loved her dearly. who had wives who didn't have any children? he loved them too. whose wives were old, young, divorced, widowed. and if a wife was sick, he would take care of her. not abandon her. and our cultures don't even look at the man. i have seen men who physically abused their wives and kids, and even killed their kids, but the peple around keep calling the woman bad. i've seen men who touch/flirt with other women, people call his wife bad. i've seen men who have multiple ilnesses and are no prince charming AT ALL but because their wives can't have babies and they are not exactly supermodels, think that is a valid reason to bring in a young teenage wife. you are abusing both women. the first one. and the second little girl who has to marry this old man with a std.
      i had something else to say but i had little play intervals with my daughter in between so i forgot.

      • Men are in a position of total power in some societies, and there's that old saying, "Absolute power equals absolute corruption." When the rights of women are not respected, there are many who will deny them.

        Of course there are plenty of good man, but it's unfortunate that there are so many bad ones, and so many bad cultural traits. Only education can change it, Islamic education and modern education as well.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • I couldnt agree with you more wael, it's actually quite sad how people turn to culture-ism , or believe the way they have been brought up (no matter how unislamic that is) is the right way to live.

          A lot of men do feel they have utter authority over their wife's, or are quick to tell them how a 'good muslim wife' should behave, where as on the other hand they are completely unaware of how unislamic they are leading their own life's. Buh thats never a issue as according to them a wife has no 'say' in her so called husband's life.

          And yes, i think the only way to over come all this culture-ism is to gain knowledge and islamic education, when one starts to adapt according to islam, you then realise its not only just right, buh the 'only' way to live,

          Islam Is such a beautiful religion, it promotes peace through and through, Islamic Education not only helps you become a better muslim, buh a better human being.

          I think its only human (irrelevant to anyone being male or female) to always treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.

          x

        • my family in pakistan is considered "educated people", i can tell you i never saw/heard such stuff from my cousins/aunts/uncles. 70-80% of pakistan is poor i think, and yes it is a problem of education and greed. i have seen such stuff in village people.
          i want to ask something, do you think i said anything haram in my first post, the one before this on this page? is it haram to expose bad cultural practices?

          • Assalam Alaykum,

            Mmm, I dont think you said anything Wrong, And to my knowledge there is no haram in exposing bad cultural practices, Obviously being aware that it's just a biased view on culture, and not talking about someone in particular as that would be classified as Gibbat (back biting) which is haram.

            x

          • biased view on culture? what does that mean? you mean that all people there are not like that? yes. but there is a lot of wierd stuff. even in my family or the "educated people", my husband's terminology, people don't do thinghs like the stuff i said above or honor killings or cursing/hitting daughters in law/sons in law or cursing at grandkids, but there is other bad stuff. like no hijab, totally free mixing to the poiint of doing dirty jokes and dancing with non-mahrems. so yes it is correct that people do need the knowledge of deen. but you cannot force anyone. it comes out of your own sincerity. one thing good about the village people is that they are more likely to follow the deen if they get proper knowledge.

  8. women as such has to go through so many pains......she bears it all...but when it comes to husband.........smebody that every women trusts n loves all her life... t pain becomes truly out of t ability of womenhood ...

    still Allah z there n i pray that he gives strength to all women n tht he only should do justice to such husbands....every ummat of allah does mistakes n still asks 4 forgiveness and allah does forgives them...so let all such broken women leave thiz decision on allah to handle and pray to give strength n show t right path......AMEEN

  9. i am really hurt my husband had beaten me several times, beats me whenever he is angry , he doesn't care when i am sick, when i tell him that i am sick he would say you should get sick and doesn't have time for me cos of the work load. when he stays at home i speak to him to solve the problem but he doesn't give an ear what i talk and he would respond me that i am not a person that hes ready to talk
    and calls my parents filthy words.

    during pregnancy he did beat me and after giving birth showed his caring part but now he doesn't he wants me to get out from home with the baby.

    when i want something to buy for the baby he would shout at me saying aren't you able to go. He does spend to baby very rarely.like once in two months.Every time taking baby to hospital to see the doctor he wont pay from his pocket.

    i do house works,iron and everything for him and i am working mom, he doesn't understand, he says to me that the income i get is all his and its not mine.now i am blamed that i am not caring him and no interest
    if hes beating how would i be able to care him ?

    he has one son to his previous marriage and he did the same to previous wife but much worse than with me,

    • Why are you staying? You are in an abusive marriage and you need to get out NOW! If you can't leave for yourself, then leave for your child.

  10. If he has done it once, he will do it again and again and again. Leave him now. Forgive him for your own sake, but LEAVE him!!! You will look back at what I wrote years from now and know that I was right and you wasted your precious years on a drunk, druggy, and adulterer!

  11. I found out and confronted my husband about what appears to be an emotional involvement via email, with a woman he met on a flight. The back and forth seemed like a prelude to something more physical but I could make out, that despite his entreaties, the woman had not taken the 'affair' to the next level. Let me add that the flight he was on was bringing him to me, in the US, where I was literally weeks away from giving birth to our first child. We've only been married a year and a half and I was up until this point MADLY in love with him. I still love him, but the sense of betrayal I feel has literally swept the floor fro underneath my feet. A few weeks before I saw these emails, I saw another one to a friend of his, telling her she looked 'tasty'. After many weeks of struggling with THAT, where he swore she was 'just a friend', I came upon the 'airplane mystery', and worse more incriminating mails from the 'friend'.

    I k ow I sound crazy and pathetic but I can't get over how he could express interest, such deep interest, in another woman , while convincing me of his undying love. I was so sure of this man. Now I'm a wreck, I have a small baby, and while I carry on with my days, I can't stop thinking and reading and re reading those emails.

    To do him justice, he has begged me to forgive him and continues to beg me and is trying very hard to earn my trust, but I keep doubting the sincerity of his apology. He lied about the friend being just a friend and how do I bow he's not lying about the second woman? He says he was trying to see if he still had 'it' as he's 41, but that makes no sense because were practically newlyweds. Then he moved on to telling me how he's been a habitual sinner but is trying to reform and he just couldn't help himself.

    My question is, do I stay? Will he do this again? I can't talk to anyone about this because it's just too humiliating but I feel miserable on so many levels. And yet I still love him because in many other respects he is wonderful. But then, is t honesty to be valued above all?

    I just need to know if this horrid feeling of having maggots in my head will pass. I need reassurance that he won't do this again. I need to recover my sanity and I need guidance.

  12. Aishah- The maggots in your head will probably never go away. I'm still suffering 3 years after i found out and confronted my husband about his lying, cheating, womanising and affairs. When i was 21 my parents had arranged for me to marry someone from Pak and i was not happy about it. In the weeks before my wedding to 1st husband from Pak, i met my now hubby and began a frieindship/relationship. He was/is 10 years older then me and so he advised me loads on the issue with my arranged/forced marriage and troubles with my parents. I went ahead with the marriage as i had no choice and soon after he came from Pak the marriage ended as by the my parents realised they had made a mistake and i was not happy so they accepted my divorce and let me move back home. The whole thing took appx 2-3 years of my life and caused alot of agony/heart ache for me as i had also very much fallen in love with my now husband but was too afraid to tell family etc. I also dropped out of uni so lost my education, lost weight through the stress and had to work. The only thing that kept me going was being in touch with my now husband who i was seeing now and again as we lived train journeys apart. After gaining courage another 2 years later i bucked up the courage to tell my family and convince them that my now husband was the one for me. I had had second thoughts about him as i was now a single and free agent and to be honest had had some really good marriage proposals but had turned them down as i felt i had known him so long and he had been there for me that i couldnt even consider breaking it off with him and marriying someone else. So i did it after he begged me to marry him. About 6 months after we married he was itching to go on holiday with his friend. This was the first of many holidays he went on during the first few years married to me. Don't get me wrong he did also take me now and again but not to those places. The first time i got suspicious was when i was 3 months pregnant and he told me he was going to Dubai as his father has an appartment over there which apparantly needed checking over. During that trip to Dubai i did some investigating as i felt that he wasnt being honest with me and i found that he was actually sitting in Thailand. For those of you ever suspicious, you can find out the location of where an email has been sent from by checking the ip address. Once i contacted him and told him i would now be having an abortion and leaving his home before he returned, he begged me and begged me turning on the waterworks and telling me he would kill himself etc...he managed to convince this stupid fool that he was truly sorry for lying and i should stay. I fell for it and i so regret it. In my books that is the point i should have left him. If only i had known the heartache that was to come. Over the next 2 years he continued the holidays even when he had sworn at that point that he was never going to go away anywhere without me again. After i had my son it became harder as he would just become really aggressive if i questioned him and would tell me to leave if i was not happy. I don't know why i felt trapped as i could have easily left. When my son was one year old, i picked up his phone one day and discovered text messages to and from some girl. They were really explicit. I had always known he was a pervert as i had at times caught him eyeing up girls etc but this was shocking. When i confronted him he bagan with the lies which stated he didn't know who this girl was and had never met her but just for fun he would text her etc... After speaking to her and threatening her, she revealed to me that he had been seeing her for years on and off and this was all before we married as in the time when he was also meeting up with me and begging me to marry him. After this i decided to further investigate and hack in to his email account as i was convinced he was up to other things through the internet as he was always closing down windows apon my arrival and deleting history etc...the usualy signs. After hacking in to his email account i found that he had set up a facebook account under another pakistani name and had a list of asian girls names as friends. One in particular he had met up with, taken her out for dinner, then a night club, ended up back at her place and spent the night with her. She gave me a very graphic account of their meeting. He had even gone back the next day after work for more. This was the week i had taken my son to see my parents for a week. This was not the only thing. The emails confirmed that his trip to Thailand had been a sex holiday as he had been emailing his pal from there giving details of the different girls he had been sleeping with etc. There was also confirmation of another sex trip he had gone on to Brazil when he had told me he was going to Germany for the world cup on an all boys trip. Then there were the girls he was trying to meet up with in the town we live with, the things he would say to them, the compliemnts he would pay them. In one relationship he had had, he had sent a pic of himself with our son to her claiming it was his nephew. That really hurt. I'm not a bad looking girl and he had chosen to marry me. He came in to my life when i was 21 and he was 31. He is now 40, me being 30 and i have spent a large part of my life with him. The lies hurt like you wouldnt believe. I have told a few people in my life but too embarased to tell anyone else especially my parents as this was my prince charming remember. How could i possibly tell my dad that the man i chose to marry and refused his choice of man for me has actually truned out to be a complete loser and has hurt me to the point of no return. At the time, again i got depressed, felt lonely, weak, wouldnt eat, lost weight etc....and eventually agreed to stay with him but that was not because i forgave him but was because i was too much in shock to make huge changes to my life and childs life as it would mean moving back to my home town and taking my son away from his dad. Time passes, i got a job and now i have recently given birth to my second son and i am still with him. Call me weak or pathetic but it is so hard i think i would find it easier to kill myself then to hurt him by taking his kids away from him even though he hurt me without giving me a second thought. Somedays i am ok but then somedays i feel so depressed my body aches and i have no energy for my children and cannot bare to look at his face. I think he has the attitude that it was 3 years ago and i should get over it....but i can't. So when you women say that it hurts and you cry and you cannot trust your husband etc...well here is another one on the same boat so atleast you can think that you are not alone in this situation. My man i left my first husband for preferred other women to me. Thats what i keep thinking. I think us women are just here to be used and abused at the hands of men. I wish i had made a go of it with my first husband now, because i didnt love him, atleast if he had done this it would not have hurt so much. I hope things get better and these awful thoughts go away for all of us.

    • You r not alone.Allah is watching.each one will go to their own graves and get punished for their deeds.be strong and have faith in God.love your kids and find your own happiness

    • Shaz, you are definately not alone. Our stories (and our husbands and their lame excuses) are very similar. me and my husband ran away together to start our lives as a married couple as our families didnt agree. you'd think that would mean something to us as a couple and make us stronger, well not my husband anyway as i also found evidence on the PC of his shenanigans which dated back to pre-running away.
      all that hurt and pain i caused my family just to be with someone i thought loved me very much. weve been married for 5 years now, our families are ok with us now and believe we were meant to be together as that is what allah had decided. which is why i would feel so ashamed to tell them the mental pain i'm going through right now. he cheated on me 3 years ago i confronted him then, the begging, tears, forgiving bla bla all happened. i slowly built my trust in him again and (i thought) we were very much in love, he would often tell me he loved me and show it. decided on extending our family and we have a beautiful baby boy who is 16months now. all was well until i found photos of some girl on you guessed it...the PC. now thats dragged me back into that dark hole i had just managed to get myself out of. we have a son, we were so happy so why the hell did he have to do this to me again? i dont wana give him a second chance but i also dont wana put my family through hurt and pain again. and to be honest i value my parents feelings more than his right now so for their sake i will put up with him not expecting anything from him apart from the occasional showing of affection from him.
      guess i'll jus take this problem as a form of punishment for hurting my parents in the first place who wer sooo very right about him being so very wrong. and il leave it til the day of Judgment for my lovely husband to get his share of punishment from the almighty (Saw).

      is there no way i can private message you? i want to give u my e-mail add as i would really like someone to talk to to help ease the burden and as a form of therapy for u and I as i'm sure you may feel the same as u know its hard to talk to family and friends as they are forever judging or of the fear of breaking their hearts.

  13. aah shaz sis... i will pray for you to find peace in your heart.. i feel like crying for you...
    May Allah protect you and wipe away all your sorrow and pain.. Inshallah i just know he will i will pary for so much xxx

  14. salaam every1....i am married with my husband from 7 years n we have 2 beautiful kids. my husband has been cheating on me from the time i know him...

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  15. when i first got married to my husband i found...

    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

    • Halima,

      I'm sorry for the difficulty you are in. I will have to ask you to log in and submit your question as a separate post though.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. I just found out my husband cheated on me. I was browsing facebook and found pics of him tagged with anotha girl. Labeld me and my girlfriend. I investigated and found out it was true. I askd hm abt it and he lied 2 my face. I have been the breadwinner since we gt married. We dnt have kids bt i do pay maintenance to his ex for a child of a previous marraige. When i showd hm proof he just cried and said hes sorry. He was a fool. He doesnt hav anywhere 2go. I lovd hm and didnt wana put hm in the street. He promisd thngs wud get beta. Bt its worse. He is angry all the time. He treats me badly since i found out. He wnt talk 2me abt what hapnd. My lifes destroyd. I fl like he is a stranger. I fl guilty 4 wanting hm 2 leave. I dnt knw what to do.

  17. I need advice......I am a muslim came from a strict muslim family...never got the attention and love i needed from my family...when i was in high school i met a non muslim...not knowing it or wanting i fell in love...my parents disowned me after the second year...he wanted to convert to islam..but around the same time of 9/11 combined with my fathers harshness he became turned of and lil hesitant ....11yrs later 2kids....im still in a relationship with him...we r not married....my faith and my fathers words lie deep in my chest.....and i heard my calling to return to islam a few years back...and im am slowly making the progress towards it.....but im stumped...i want to get married but i refuse to unless he is muslim.....i know this is stupid...i want to have more kids but i refuse to have more out of wedlock..as he asks me to have more all the time......and worse this man has cheated on me repeatedly.....and everytime i confront him he gets aggressive.....i cannot leave...im am stupid and am paying for all my wrong doings i know...i ask and pray to Allah to forgive me...and guide me back to islam to strengthen my iman....and bring me and my kids back to rightousness.......what do i do.......i dnt want to wait for him to decide to become muslim....do u think leaving him if possible...another man could love me...i am confused a lil and need direction....thank you for your time

    • Sarah,

      You need to log in and submit your question as a separate post. But in short, I think you know that leaving this man is the right thing. If you stay with him, he will always stay the same too. Take a bold step, leave him and tell him you are doing so:
      - firstly, because he is not Muslim and you want to turn back to Allah
      - and secondly because he has repeatedly cheated on you and has been aggressive.

      Yes, upon hearing these things, he may cry and beg for you to stay and say that he'll change. But he will not change overnight. If he does change, it will take time, effort, will and sincerity on his part.

      And if you truly want to see a positive change in your life, you will ignore his pleas and leave all the same.

      You have wasted enough of your life. You have played enough slavery to Allah's creation. Its time for you to show your servitude to Allah and do the right thing. And some time away from this unIslamic environment you have found yourself in will do you good. You need time to heal, to re-find your faith and yourself - before you start thinking of finding a new man.

      Do it now before you find yourself standing infront of Allah to be taken account of.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  18. I have been married for almost 10 years now. I have two children. The man I am married to has been very neglectful to me. He has not had sexual relations with me for the last 5 years or so. He does not come home until 3 or 4 in the morning. He says he is at work. He has no involvement with me or my children. Sometimes weeks go by and we have no verbal contact even despite the fact we live in the same house. He has never said he loves me nor has he ever kissed me. He accuses me of almost everything that goes wrong. He is always talking ill of me to his family members that they also hate me. He says I am mentally crazy and tells everyone this as well. When I went to the psychiatrist with him, the doctor said I was fine and just lonely because my husband was neglecting me. Even still he didnt change and made one excuse or the other as to why he did not want to be part of a family. A friend of his one day contacted me for a benign reason. One thing lead to another and I became emotionally involved with him. He made me laugh, told me I was beautiful and showed interest in every aspect of my life, even my kids! I continued to talk to him over the phone and over the computer. We became very free with one another that we started to discuss sex and private topics with eachother. We even made scenarios in which we were both the participants. It is very embarassing to discuss for me actually. But the point is we had this type of inapproporiate relationship that was restricted to the internet. My husband somehow intercepted these emails and now he is accusing me of sleeping with this man. Although I have not been physical with this man, I still feel guilty for the conversations I've had with him. My husband has since given me divorce papers. When I try to explain why I did what I did he does not listen and insists I had sex with this man. I am very upset because I have suffered for so many years first at his neglect and now this disgrace. I don't really want a divorce because I know my children will suffer. I want my husband to understand that I love him and only him and I regret what I did but I need him to love me back. It is a two-way street. I am only human. I need love. Please help me. I am so upset.

    • Sister, please log in and write your question as a separate post and we'll try to advise you, Insha'Allah. I'll give you a very brief answer which is that clearly your husband does not love you or care about you, and there's no way to change that. We cannot control how anyone else feels or behaves. I suggest that you accept this divorce, make tawbah for your behavior, and try to find someone more loving and caring in the future, Insha'Allah (NOT the man you were having the inappropriate conversations with - I have a very low opinion of his character and integrity).

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. I'm married nearly 13 years with one child.
    (Question deleted by Editor)

    • Farzana,

      I apologise for deleting your question but you need to log in and submit your question as a separate post. It will be answered in turn insha'Allah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  20. Salaam to all friends..
    My story is also simlilar.I got married with a man who was known to me for couple of years than we had one kid and after 5 /6 years of marrige problems came into my life (remainder of the comment has been deleted by the Editor)

    • Wa Alaikum as Salam,

      Please login and submit your question separately. We will answer you in turn in sha Allah.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response