Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has betrayed me; should I confront or stay put?

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Assalam u Alaikum

I am 29 years old and got married 6 years back.It was a love arranged marriage.I have 2 sons MashaAllah. Before getting married i thought of my fiancee as a very religious and steadfast person.Because he used to pray in mosque and was somewhat nice to me.Though he had a temper problem and even back then he was very moody,when he was in mood he will laugh with you and make all kind of jokes.But if its the opposite,he would talk in a loud tone,say bad things and abuse verbally.At that time he used to say sorry(which he never says now).almost three years into our marriage,i was pregnant with the second child at that time,i remained in hospital due to illness(I had two babies in 2-1/2 years time and i was not well during my pregnancy and had two c-sections)So when i came home from hospital,i  found out that he watches porn..i thought how can a person do such a thing when his wife is in hospital giving birth to his child

.I trusted him blindly before that and would never spy on him.But when i came to know about porn thing,i felt so bad.i didn't talk to him first.But kept checking history.He would stay up till late at night and would say i am searching for jobs.And when i checked history,he had been on all kinds of  porn sites. i was afraid to confront him,but i did.He got really mad at first.Denied it.Then he just said,oh u were in hospital so i got carried away..and those were pop ups.I asked him to promise me that he will not do that again but  he did not and asked me to stay away from his private stuff.From that day till now i don't trust him,whenever he is on internet,i get all the ill feelings of what he might be doing and i was right.He was watching pictures of semi nude girls.

To add more to it,Yesterday, he left his facebook id open.I read his messages and his friend sent him picture of his ex beloved.He said to his friend that he is unable to forget her.I am devastated by this.He is with me but his heart is somewhere else.He spends most of the time on internet when he is at home.I fight with him over it because both of my sons are young and i get tired with them.I also need someone to talk to.Most of the time i sit with him.But he doesn't talk to me much and he still has the same mood problem also.He will get angry at anything.He is supporting us good financially but money cant b substitute of a man's love n caring words.

I have become more inclined towards religion after all this.I want my children to be good Muslims. I want us to be a good Muslim family.We don't have TV and my husband has long beard,plus he prays in mosque and he does know a lot about deen.I make him listen to Islamic lectures in car. But knowing all this about him,i see him as a hypocrite.I don't know what to do.Is it my fault that i got sick in pregnancy.Inst it from Allah?Should i confront him again or stay quite.if i do stay quite,it will kill me from inside.

Please help me

Muslimah813.


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7 Responses »

  1. Hey there.

    Damn, that's so comman these days. I think that you should sit down with him at the right time and really talk to him about the situation. Try to find out whether there is a reason behind it - because I think that's quite abnormal for a married man who has children to do such a thing - who also is very religious. it does not make sense.

    I don't think you should keep it to yourself. That's not fair. You do NOT deserve to suffer because of someone's wrong actions. I think you should just have a mature conversation about it - maybe be understanding so you can find out the reason behind what's going on. Because there is always a reason. Or maybe it's just a phase he is going through. I will not sit here and say "what if" just talk to him and see what's going on.

    Hope it all goes well, but please do NOT suffer in silence. You do not deserve that.

    Xx

    • Asslamu Alaikum
      Thanks all for your replies...since the day i posted it,i did not talk to my husband about anything.i remained quite and tried to be really nice with my him..i dressed and adorned myself to the fullest...thinking maybe this can make a change... i really can't get what does he want..because as a wife he wants me to cover my face n all other stuff(n i do it as a religious duty),so if a person wants his wife to be covered then how could he look at other semi naked women.i thought he likes "Hayadar" woman.
      i have come to the conclusion,that it is the past company that had a great impact on him..because his university friends were not good muslims at all..since then he has changed alot but this thing is deep rooted in him.Now i don't leave him alone on internet.i sit with him.But do you think this will make him stop..What should i do more to save him from this thing?..I love him and don't want the father of my children to do such acts of filth.i mean how can i talk to him so that he doesn't get angry or he doesn't feel that i am being nosy..because he has warned me before to stay away from his privacy.

      • Assalamualaikum

        Mashallah you are smart and figured a few things out on your own even before someone pointed it out. Most of the time the habit of porn is formed before someone becomes religious, and after that person starts making efforts to become a better muslim, the memories are still there. Those things are still imprinted in his head and in the moment of weakness one does go astray.

        For example, I used to listen a little bit of music before I grew my beard and started praying regularly and trying to become a better muslim. Those songs and those tunes are still in my head, the lyrics are still with me, and sometimes when I am stressed out I do go give in to my desire and listen to the song but most of the time the desire to listen to the music is not there.

        You sound like a very smart sister, and you should realize that as husband and wife its your duty towards each other to become better muslims and help each other succeed in this life and hereafter. You should not have the feeling that he betrayed you, he is human after all and he has his weaknesses no matter how good a muslim he becomes.

        I would suggest the following and I will explain why these will be useful.

        1. Husband want companionship from their wives as well as physical intimacy. Sex is not always on their mind, try to be a friend to him as well. You should be his closest friend to whom he can tell everything without fear of being judged. Its so common that wives end up passing judgement about their husbands and the husband just shuts off. This was one of the rare qualities of Hazrat Khadijah RA due to which Prophets SAW missed her so much.

        2. Get him to open up about his desires, don't get offended at all when he is opening up to you. Unless he repeatedly talks about something prohibited by Shariah, in that case politely remind him once in a while. Furthermore, educate yourself with what is permitted in Shariah, what is not and what is makruh. It will just help you out.

        3. Don't assume about his likes and dislikes, talk to him about what he likes and doesn't like. Contrary to popular belief, men don't want to see their wives all dolled up all the time.

        4. Its also very important to let him know what you really like (you skip your dislikes because he will want to focus on your likes).

        5. Once in a while be the one to initiate physical intimacy because this will boost his confidence and will make you so much more desirable. (the lack of this aspects frustrates a lot of husbands and pushes some of them into Haram acts).

        Communication about likes and dislikes is the key and most husbands want to see their wives happy, but they can't do that unless they are happy and satisfied themselves. In most cases the wives possess all the necessary tools to help their husbands get over the porn issue.

        May Allah help your resolve this issue.

  2. as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb ukhti..

    It's quite odd that your husband is using the internet in a bad way considering he's a practicing Muslim he should know better.

    Anyhow that aside It may be that you're unable to give your husband enough time and attention due to taking care of your kids? Or perhaps you don't make much of an effort in your appearance?

    whatever the case, I believe the solution is for you to communicate with him without that you won't know what his problem is and he won't know yours.

    Yes, you should confront him but in a calm manner, you need to have a civilized conversation with him and share your concerns with him.. you need to ask him to put himself in your shoes and try understanding what you're going through..

    Also, try educating him in terms of what rights a wife has through lectures etc.. that might knock some sense in to him..

    I really do hope things get better for you ukhti.. but just to divert your attention and to save yourself from running in to depression I strongly suggest you pick up a course or pick up a sport.. swimming.. anything! Anything that makes you happy.. that'll keep you fresh or you'll find yourself thinking and complaining too often

  3. Salaams Dear Sister,

    I am sorry to hear your troubles and as Samiaa stated this is all too common these days. Your husband's outward appearance doesn't reflect his true inner self. By sporting the beard and being seen praying in the masjid for the benefit of others instead of for Allah? I know it's too late in the day but his 'hot temper' as you put it is no excuse and conflicting with the image he portrays and should have triggered alarm bells. There are many wolves in sheep's clothing.

    I'm sorry that is not much of a comfort to you but maybe you could show him an article I stumbled across about rectifying the heart;

    http://www.tasawwuf.org/writings/sermons/khutbat_fivev1.htm

    If he has any sincerity then he should take heed. Otherwise, if he doesn't see the error of his ways, in the long run this will have a detrimental affect on you and your children, so you will have to think about a future without him.

    Also have him read this with regards to his lewd internet activities.

    http://www.henrymakow.com/001421.html

    Insha'Allah you will attain peace and patiently persevere in whatever road lies ahead.

    Take care

  4. Salaams Sister,

    I would issue your husband an ultimatum to clean up his act and sincerely repent or clear off, as this disgusting behaviour will have a detrimental effect on you and your kids. Ask him who is he serving, Allah Most High or the community who he is keen to impress with his outward appearance. As he is making a mockery and providing mud to sling to the enemies of Islam.

    'Woe to those who deal in fraud' 83:1 Al Mutaffifin

    Insha'Allah may Allah guide you rightly and make you patiently persevere in whatever path you take.

    Re the links I inserted;

    Firstly, the one about rectifying the heart. I researched the site more thoroughly and found it to belong to sufi culture which I have no connection with as it is a deviation. I had been searching for a hadith which talks about Allah not judging us on our appearance or wealth but our hearts and deeds when I came across it. There are aspects which make good points however.

    Allah has provided us with intellect in order to enable us to make choices in life and how individuals interpret matters. Allah gave us his Holy Book, the Sunnah of The Prophet Muhammad SAW and finally our own ability to reason. Only Allah knows best.

    The reason I thought the points the article made were sound because logically speaking it makes sense that if a person willingly and repeatedly engages in sin, their hearts do harden. After all you say your husband can't even say sorry anymore.

    I can't find the source but I'm sure Allah SWT says in His Glorious Qur'an that there will be many with great knowledge of Islam but pay no heed to it themselves. There are many who mechanically go through the motions of prayer and have beards or niqabs just as show for others. Or to appear superior.

    Secondly, I added a link to an article entitled 'All porn is gay' which on review may have been unsuitable for general reading as there are kids aged 10 submitting posts.

  5. My husband did the same thing before we married. Now our marriage is in trouble because of his betrayal.

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