Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband having an affair with a married woman

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I am a married woman and have two kids. My husband loves me a lot. but recently I came to know that he is involved with another married woman in his office who has a daughter.

It seems they are not physically involved. They exchange love messages and speak on the phone. Now I came to know that she will take a divorce from her husband and my husband will take her in as a second wife.  What does Islam say about such relations and how should I behave on this?

I just want to leave my husband and go away, but I feel it would be difficult as I love him very much and I see he loves me too and my kids... please advise!!!


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19 Responses »

  1. salaam alkium siis

    how sure r u that ur hubii iz having an afear with another women u hav 2 hav an avadince 4 it soo that u dont break ur marrige .som tymes us women we think more fuather about our husband n if wat u saying iz ture then face him talk 2 him but in quit n were therez noo kidz siis tell him that wat he iz doing iz haraam remind him of alah n his panishment in dis lyf n in here after n inshlah everything will be ok

  2. Salaam my Sister,

    I am sorry for the heartache that you are experiencing. In Islam a man is permitted to have more than one wife if he feels he can do justice to all of them.

    I would categorise your husband's conduct with this woman as having an emotional affair - the love and feelings are there, but there is no physical contact. This is still cheating and crossing the Islamic boundaries -however he does appear to have honourable intentions, intending to take her as a second wife (not leave you, abandon you, or have a sexual relationship with someone else outside of marriage). Naturally this will feel very painful for you indeed, and you will have feelings of betrayal, deep hurt and pain. There are two options available for you, accept it or don't accept it - either way, you're relationship has now changed, your home is now changed, the nature of your relationship is now changed, and your children's lives have all changed. There will be a tough adjustment period no matter what you do, so I would advise that you do not react in a flurry of emotion, but rather sit down and think about whether you are willing to try to live in polygamy or not. Polygamy can be a successful situation for spouses who agree, and it can also be a disaster - it all revolves around the attitudes involved.

    I would advise that you speak with your husband about this before you take any actions at all, so that you can get an understanding of what is going on and what his motivations are - how he intends to support the two of you and spend time with the two of you. If you are considering polygamy, it may be worth contacting the other woman to find out if you can live with this or no. You must discuss with him what he is doing and planning, and he needs to explain to you how he sees this working for the future.

    If you feel in yourself that you are able to accept this, or that you can work towards accepting this then do so. If you feel you cannot, then leave - there is no point forcing yourself through a lifestyle that causes you depression, agony and stress for the rest of your life: that will not be good for the children, for your or for your husband. If you leave, do so in a controlled manner and try to leave in peace so that you may reach a positive agreement regarding how your children will be raised, how to will be taken care of, finance and other necessities for the future.

    Peace,
    L

  3. Assalamu Aleikum

    Dear sister Fehneez, I'm really sorry about what you are going through and I sincerely hope Allah will help you get through this trial, and I'm sure He will inshaAllah.

    First of all, before even thinking about marrying this woman, your husband should ask a Faqeeh about wether she is halal to him or not, because, let's face it, what he and this woman are doing is very haram. This woman is married for God's sakes ! She "belongs" to another man. A man cannot go after a married woman, even if their relationship is only emotional and platonic. That is forbidden in Islam. He shouldn't even look at her with desire, let alone be talking to her about marriage and being together.

    But anyway, I agree with sister Leyla, and I think that if he means that much to you, the best way to deal with this problem is to talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel about this whole situation. Tell him also to stop and think about what he's doing for a minute. Tell him the doors of Tawbah are always open and that he has to repent.

    But let's say, the faqeeh gives him a fatwa that he can marry this woman after her divorce, that their marriage would be halal. I say : good for him ! But, ask yourself: are you ready to be in a polygamous marriage ? Do you love him enough for that ? If you feel it's going to be too painful or too hard, walk away.

    Know that I'm praying for you, sister. May Allah guide you and help you do the right thing for you and your children inshaAllah.

    Wa Salam.

  4. What can i do if my husband is cheating on me with another woman who goes around gossiping about how they do there sex.?

  5. Walaikum as salaam to all !!!

    Thank you for ur reply . i want to add here i am not just doubting at my husband i have seen more than 600 loves messages in his mobile and through these messages i have come to knw that they were physical too....probably not sex , but hugging kissing and touching around ...and wen i confronted my husband he too agreed on it and has no reason to give. He yet talks to her on fone and still in touch with her. he just admits that he is wrong and needs time to make everything rite. i am confused and donno i should continue living with such husband. i did tell him what he and she is doing is rong in eye of Allah. but as per to him this all happened by Allah's will otherwise it wouldn't have happened at first place. it seems feeling comes by itself no 1 create such feelings purposely.They never wanted to be dishonest to their spouses. Well .....we had lot of argument on it and he does not regret his action. but in so many fites he just started to say ' i knw its wrong but i need time'. he doesn't want to dissolve the marriage and wants to work on it.
    I just pray to Allah to show me the right path as i am pregnant again with third child.
    The problem with me is i cannot forgive and forget what my husband has done to me.Specially wen he is still with her.

    • Salaams,

      I am very sorry for your pain. Anybody reading these posts are going something similar. In the blessed month of ramadan, make dua and pray earnestly to allah to make everything better. Your husband is wrong. He should read sura tawbah and ask Allah for forgiveness. Whether he committed a sexual act or not, he got intimate with another female who is not his wife and he's responsible for the breakup of her marriage. This is a terrible sin. How can he destroy someone's marriage so he can take a second wife? Where in islam is this permissable? This other woman is having an affair with a married man too....I don't even think a potential second marriage is legitimate under these circumstances. Shame on your husband for twisting islam around so he can satisfy his desires. He should repent.

      • Dear All,

        It's a torturing situation what's happening now a days. Married man in relation to a married woman. HARAM! Regardless she or he, I blame a partner for being so weak againts evil, lust and desire. Married woman who desire a married man is a dirty person. It is indeed painful when your soulmate cheats on you. It's hard to separate from a man who you depend financially overall for your kids sustainance. Sisters, never be tempted to do the same in revenge, nag your husband or live a day of arguments instead focus on your kids life, collect money from him save it as much as you can. There is a day when you will be needing all the savings say energy, the prayers and just pretend you are o.k. for the sake of your kids until then you really ready for all your weapons. It is customary for a cheater to keep on cheating until he is caught between two troubles. Believe me, there is nothing more painful to absorbed than having to choose yourself, your children, living pretending to be love and trusting a cheater. It's real disaster and nightmare, you got to be strong for your children sake. Loosing your marriage is not o.k. most of the time because of our children but sometimes better off living alone with your kids, just needs a lot of prayer, it's taxing lving with a cheating husband everyday you gotto commit a sin by saying all the undesirable words and actions. Being a muslim wife takes a lot of effort many times you forget your happiness, sad to say our husbands understimate all the good stuff we have. But I believe patience and trust in Allah made a good wife a winner. If not in this world, here after. Difficult yes! It's burning, irritating and annoyed most of the time, you can really get over it when you have shared all your questions and prayers to the most high. Needless to say my anger reached to the point praying to my God that those guys will be punish as much as they hurt me.

  6. Salam, dear sister

    You did the right thing by confronting your husband and by telling him how much he's hurting you. I am sorry he doesn't seem to realise how wrong he is to behave the way he does. Obviously, the shaytan and this woman have got him blind and deaf. He can't possibly believe that Allah approves of what he's doing ! Everything happens by Allah's will, that doesn't make murder, or rape, or any other sin right ! I don't think he will be coming around any soon and Allah knows best.

    I have no right to tell you what to do but I know that if I were you, I would have left a long time ago.

    Have you thought about talking to an imam or a faqeeh ? I'm sure it would be very helpful. Keep praying for Allah's guidance.

    I'm praying and feel for you, sister.

    Your sister in Islam

    Wafa.

  7. Helo Fehneez.

    I am sorry about your troubles. Maybe I can offer some insight as I am one being sought out as a second wife. My circumstances are thankfully not like yours, but maybe I can help you.

    You seem to have good communication with your husband. Look into your marriage & try to see what he may feel is lacking. Is there passion? Do you seem to care about his job or activities? Do you engage him in conversation? Do you try to have fun with him? Do you give him time alone after work before asking him to do work at home? Do you experiment in bed & try new things? I know it is hard with 2 children & being pregnant, but men are quite needy and very receptive to women who pay attention to them and like them for who they are. It is possible he has gotten scared by the responsibility of family & children & is looking for an escape mechanism. You are his only wife right now. He has not yet married her. Talk to him. Let him know what your true intentions will be if he marries her. Ask him to wait at least 6 months before he marries (rosy glasses may fade by then). Talk to your family. Talk to his family. See how it will all work. If he truly cares about you & knows this will hurt you, he may rethink his choice.

    You have spied on his phone which is not good - but you have had reasonable cause to suspect infidelity, so he should not accuse you of being sneaky. This will be hard, but don't do that anymore. Do not try to "catch him." You already know whats going on. Your devotion of time to monitor his actions will set you up in a role of authority figure that he will try to sneak past. Instead, go about your business. Either ignore their phone calls or hang up the phone -don't just listen in whimpering to him. Be strong & don't let his actions turn you into a mess. If you decide to stay in the marriage, you will do your best to make it work. If you decide to divorce him, be sure he treats you well. Personally, if I loved my husband & I thought he loved me, I would start counselling asap.

    Peace be with you & I hope for the best

  8. I do agree with the sister, on all aspects. This is what I meant when I talked about differences in

    fitra- they need wives who are caring, understanding and lovers who share a passionate

    emotional and physical bonding with them. Very often, some men are ill in their hearts and

    exceed boundaries- but very often, there's a reason for a problem as a result of lack of

    communication between the two. Maybe you can save your marriage, he hasn't married the other

    women yet. In Surah 4 Aya 129 Allah says: You will never be able to treat all your wives equally-however

    much you try. In Surah Nisa( I think:) Allah allowed to marry up to 4 wives- taking into consideration

    the aspect of justice. But when we look at it more closely, Islam doesn't recommend polygamy. I've

    recently learned that the verse was revealed after the battle of Uhud- due to a shortage of men

    and high number of widows.

    Let's be honest: Is this necessary in the 21st century? In my opinion, we shouldn't take advantage

    of the laws of Allah for following our desires. Your husband met this woman at work and flirted

    with her, she's a non-mahram. Why would he marry her and even if he had the intention to

    take another wife, you can't reach halal by going through haram. And talking and flirting and looking

    with desire at a non-mahram is haram. In my opinion, save your marriage by communicating with

    him, but I wouldn't allow him to marry another wife. He's the man you love, fight for him and win

    his love back instead of accepting an unrecommended decision like divorce. Islam has given us so

    many guidelines for marriage- no man would ever think about taking second wife when they would

    be applied! When he has

    a wife he can rely on, who understands him etc. there's absolutely no need for a second wife.

    That's my personal opinion. Don't give up your love. This is your territory. :::)

  9. Why does everybody assume that the wife is responsible for the husband's infidelity? She may very well be a loving, caring wife who dotes on him. If he is sneaking around and about to mess up her life and affect the children, shouldn't she be prepared for what's ahead? She's only looking at his phone because he is giving her reason to.

  10. Dear all,

    I am also in a big problem and not getting the way to get out of it.i am 25 yr old educated female.its been 1 n half yrs to my marriage.
    m 9 month pregnant.its my love cum arrange marriage.i came to know that my husband is having an affair since 10 yrs with a married woman having three kids.they are having all cheapest relation.from phone to bed.
    I requestd my husband many times to end that but he says she is his first love n belief and he vll never leave her.they dont want to marry but want to keep this unofficial relation whole life.my husband loves me bt nt more than her and ready to leave me n kid but not her.
    Plz suggest me m tired with all effortd.i informed his family also but he make them believe that he vll leave her but to me he swear nything that he vll nvr end this and force me also to respect her..
    Plz suggest me what should i do.i m praying but donno why allah is upset with me n nt helping me at all

    • Dear Sara,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. When you have done this, let me know here and I will publish your question immediately.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. My Wife who I love, is in love with another married man! I have tried talking to her but she denies it! I came to know about it through her cell! they may not be involved sexually but they do meet up often and talk all night.
    My wife has never let me touched her! what should I do?

  12. ASSALAMO ALAKUM

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  13. Hello Again.

    What I have found, over the years, is that you can be the best wife, the best cook, the best mother, and yet if a man is predisposed to be a cheater (which usually also means he is a liar), he can be given a second chance but NEVER a third!

    He is a liar and thus not Halal and should be left to deal with his own issues. I have since broke off any relations with the man who pledged his undying love and promised to divorce and blah, blah, blah. ALthough I know he loved me, I found him to be a liar and secretive- and THAT was what I could not live with. My stomach was aching. I do not know the quote, but I recall the message that we should know what is right and it will feel right in our gut. If it upsets our gut, we know it is wrong. SO true. That feeling we get, that upsets up so much, needs to be addressed. Counselling with a professional or a close friend can help.

    And it is hard - so hard - but we have one life on this Earth. I feel it is a shame to be wasted with the wrong person. The right person can be our pride, our love, our shining joy, that brings us closer to our God. That is for both men and women. I am more at ease with the man who admits his failures, tries to make things easy and right, rather than lie and treat wives unequal. I have found a good man. He is divorced, but was divorced BEFORE I began a relationship with him. Like me, he would have rather been alone than be sick with the wrong person. He is not what I expected, but I opened my heart to him and my life is happy and my heart sings with joy. I wish you all the very same. I wish you bravery to find what you seek and also hope you are fair and kind along the way.
    Take Care & many blessings,
    Jenn

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