Husband hit me, did i do something wrong?
Praise be to Allaah
Salam.
I really need help to save my marriage and what really hurt is that i just feel fear and disappointment to my husband, i cant understand why someone will beat their own wife.
I am a 22 year old Muslim girl- born in Sweden. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years.
Yesterday my husband hit me so harshly that i got nose-bleeding and bruises over my body that even make me sick of pain, the reason why he hit me was because i said that i dont want have a child right now when i had a lot of studies to finish at collage and that family planning could wait a year/ couple of year. He screamed that Islam says that women are supposed to look up to the man's needs and never say no from what husband wishes. That made me prickly so i told him to grow up and stop make himself to a king in the relationship! Then ..it didnt take seconds to watch him lose his anger and he really got mad at me! He screamed back and said- useless p*ssy! Then he hit me until I screamed in panic and pain, but no one heard me and he could not stop himself.
He hit so hard that i still feel the pain today all way into my heart.
Because of this bothersome situation I have become afraid of him. I feel resentment towards my husband which is causing more pain. I dont know who i should talk to and what i should do.. I just feel worthless feelings to do something and have been keeping myself in the guest room all day because i am afraid. Afraid to see him again.
MinaZaimili
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Aoa sister. I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation and i pray for you. First of all your husbands behaviour is absurd and he should not have raised his hands on you. Was this a one time thing or does he have a history of hitting you ? Did he feel sorry afterwards and apologise? My advise is to get out of there and get yourself to safety as soon as possible.Get away from a man who is physically abusive and has anger management issues. He needs help and therapy and he has to be willing to change himself to get you back if you want to make things work with him. If this is a ongoing thing then get away from him even faster please.He has to know this is not acceptable. If you let things stay as they are he might get worse and he might assume its ok to be violent. And i would suggest you report this to the police and get a restraining order if need be. If you have family discuss it with them or get in touch with the local masjid or muslim community.
The Qur'an and Sunnah provide clear instructions on what procedures a husband must use in conflict situations where the husband is innocent and the wife is rebellious and at fault( not that im saying you are rebellious). The first step is a peaceful discussion between the two of them about the problem and solutions. This is intended to soften hearts and eliminate misunderstandings. If this doesn't work, the next step is for the husband to tell his wife his expectations in a firm, decisive manner. If the rebelliousness and disobedience continues, the husband is supposed to leave the bed, which is really a punishment for both of them for not being able to resolve their differences. If that fails to solve the problem, representatives of both sides meet to try and arbitrate.
Asalamu alaikum,
No man should ever lay his hands on a woman. Now you are scared living in fear. I suggest you tell your parents and let them know. If he does it again call the police. Dont ever suffer in silence.
If he lost his temper just because you said you not ready i wonder what he would do if it was regarding him. Because women bear the child men will never understand the hardship they go through, thinking its so easy telling them have the baby now.
So tell your parents, cos you cant keep sleeping in the guest room. No matter which way i see it, he had no valid reason to beat you like that. He beat you as tho you stole something.
peace..
I agree with ahmed. It is morally and Islamically unacceptable for your husband to beat you like this, under any circumstances, for any reason. The husband will always try to blame the wife - "You made me do it..." But in reality it's never about the wife. It's merely an excuse for the husband to vent his anger. No woman should have to live in fear of her husband.
So to answer your question: No, you did nothing wrong. It is your husband who was 100% wrong.
If he did it once, I guarantee you he will do it again. Next time your injuries may be more serious, even requiring hospitalization.
Do not spend another day in that house. Leave immediately, and do not return unless he completes an anger-management program.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yaa ALLAHU HVE PITY ON WE THE WOMEN THIS IS AWUFUL my dear sist ...TAKE HEART I WILL ADVICE YU WEN EVER YU HVE THIS FEELINGS OF Fear for your husband. Recite a short QURAN VERSES
sister
dont take things fastly...I think you should wait...n talk to him politely....saying to your parents will not help either..if it is first time he is doing it in this entire 2 tr you shud definitely wait,,,it is easy to break relationship easily but not so keeping it together..yotu should keep the matters within you...for some time...if parents came to know about ths the relationship become worse....so keep patience...I am not saying that you shud do ths everytime...
any ways he shudnt have beaten you...dat was really bad.....but the reason you said why he became angry////dat you cud reconsider....the family life is most important dan your studies...you shud really think about it...pray to Allah ...pray istihara...seeking Allahs help fro decision....n speak to him politely.....dont jump into any decision
Asalam waleikum,
I have to disagree with Hisham. There is no reason for a husband to become a threat to your life (and if he has issues with anger and has beaten you than he is a threat. Even if he hits you by accident, not being able to control is anger, we do not want you to be the subject of a permanent accident) I don't want to alarm you sister but please be careful and of course pray to Allah for protection, and safety and I pray for you too. Inshallah you will find safety from your husband.
I do agree that if and when you speak to him you should be polite. However you know that someone who becomes easily angry will become angry over anything.. or nothing, and someone who controls their anger very well will not give in to anger when being provoked..
If you leave him it would be best to have somewhere safe to go to that he does not know of, and to not confront him. Leave in secret. You do not owe him anything as he has become a danger and I think at the time of separation there could be a higher level of risk for you (I just have to mention this truth because I did not see anyone write about it). May Allah protect you. Amen
As for disputes about when to have children. You also need to be happy with the decision of when and if to have children. If you are not on board with the decision than you might feel resentment (towards your husband or maybe your life) as it can be a great deal of sacrifice to have and raise children. I think you already knew that. I wouldn't explain this to your husband. I would leave him, taking all necessary precautions to protect yourself. If afterwards he attends anger management and makes a drastic change than maybe you can consider talking to him if you want.
Asalam Waleikum
in what Jane you disagree with me I didnt get...
Hashim,
There recently was a case where a young couple had been married a few years and the husband died. During this time, the wife migrated to a Western country and while abroad with her husband, she didn't know how to drive or speak the local language because of her time was consumed with serving him. After his death, she was not only facing a huge loss of not having her husband, but now was at the mercy of others due to her lack of education. In efforts to back-peddle time, she enrolled in language and driving classes whilst grieving the loss of her husband and regretted why she didn't do these things while he was alive. There can be many good reasons for why a woman wants to have an education and women shouldn't have to do this prior to marriage always either. After a woman has a child, it is very difficult, but not impossible, to study. For a man to not listen to his wife and resort to physical abuse is 100% absurd and uncalled for.
Hashim,
Family is important - but what sane person would bring a child into a home where the husband beats the wife and she aches for days? What will he do to a child that angers him? It is not rare for men who beat their wives to abuse their children. Some men who think they are little Kings over women can are beyond belief in what they feel entitled to do - remember Fayhan al-Ghamdi, the media preacher in Saudi who raped and then murdered his own five year old daughter because he "doubted her virginity?" And the courts, composed of men who also apparently think they are little Kings wanted to free him after a very short sentence?
Jane: remember Fayhan al-Ghamdi, the media preacher in Saudi who raped and then murdered his own five year old daughter because he "doubted her virginity?" And the courts, composed of men who also apparently think they are little Kings wanted to free him after a very short sentence?
In Islamic court this guy got a short sentence because he paid blood money to the mother of 5 year old girl. In many cases of honor killings men go free because some relative forgives them and settle with blood money acceptable under Islamic laws.
Sad thing is this guy is a Saudi preacher who raped and killed his won 5 year old daughter. He may kill some one again. How could some one doubt a 5 year old girl's virginity? He should have been given a life sentence and lashed frequently.
I never said that what the man had done is right......but I feel if woman studying is the problem, then it could be avoided.....there should be balance betwen everything , otherwise it will not move on....he had asked for having a child....what is wrong in it....that was the reason quoted for the beating....so she should have avoided it and he also should have avoided it.... beating women is not permitted in Islam....having wish to have a child is not forbidden in islam...dat is my point...if it can save a family life it is better.....no king no queen...Allah is the king.....
Your underlying message, no matter how you twist the words, is that this girl played a part in her husband beating her and, given a good reason, a man could resort to that. A man with such thinking isn't ready for a relationship like marriage and needs psychological help.
So your saying it's all right to beat your wife because she wants to study??! What is wrong with you??!
Just because you demand a child and beat her because she said no then it makes it right. I tried to be polite before but your pushing my buttons. Like I said in my initial comment it was not wrong for him to ask for a child but to react like an animal and then beat her that was wrong. They could have talked about it but he chose to get angry! Men like that don't deserve a wife. How would he like it if a woman criticised him for something he was not listening to?
I'm not saying she should just give up but him becoming that violent raises a red flag she needs to be careful of the decision she makes for her future. She does not want her children to be in a violent environment.
So your saying it's all right to beat your wife because she wants to study??! What is wrong with you??!....when did I said like that please quote.....its ramdan....I dont want to make any issue....i said my views....Allah knows best....give her advice ....she could accept it what she wills and what Allah wills.....I think there is no good in fighting among ourselves....and if my comments hurt someone please forgive...and if my comments was not appropriate i pray Allah to forgive...may be what I intend to say is not understand by you people....pray for her to have a happy life......pray for me...pray for All......
Hashim
I think you need to read your comment to yourself to understand what you are saying. Regardless of whether her husband is asking for a child or not he violently attacked her. Allah has made him her protector but he has betrayed this position by making her feel vulnerable and in fear of her life. Also a man ordering a child is very easy but it is the woman who bears 9 months of physical change so I think to give the woman that much respect to have an opinion if she is ready to take this step is not asking for much. It's not always about what the man wants but about what both agree to do so there is no resentment. And yes there was no wrong him asking for a child but this situation sounds like he was demanding this.
but the reason she gave for this was her studies???"because i said that i dont want have a child right now when i had a lot of studies to finish at collage and that family planning could wait a year/ couple of year." that is what I am referring...to reconsider it for the sake of marriage and she want the marriage to go on as she says "I really need help to save my marriage ".......forcing to do something is forbidden so husband had done wrong....i accept...
in what world are all of you people living. my friend, if you live in sweden thats great. contact the police and i would say keep a weapon for your own safety in case you might need it. if you are living in a sharia law country, i would say i am sorry i dont know what advice to give.
no man or woman should beat his wife or her husband, it is not religion that needs to be discussed here. its safety. she did not say or do anything provocative enough to deserve this. call the police, file a case against him. get a divorce. get a good lawyer and screw him up for the rest of his life.
hope you are safe, take care my friend.
As-salam alaikum,
This man is disgusting and psychotic. The insult he gave you is filthy and low class and is a clear indicator of someone with a degenerate mindset. The fact that he viciously attacked you because you said you wanted to postpone motherhood shows he is just a brute savage with no intellect. Why is he incapable of a rational discussion?
How awful that you were in pain for days. You did not say what happened in the aftermath of this attack, as like the one of the comments above which asks if he showed any remorse for his actions. Even so, this behaviour is totally inexcusable.
I find myself more often than not recommending to OPs on this site to leave their troubled marriages and seek divorce but it really depends on the overall situation and what you want out of life. You could obey your neanderthal husband like a Stepford wife and then just harbour resentment because your dreams were cut dead.
An educated mother is what a decent man should want for his child. Woman are wives and mothers but also have the right to stand as an individual. I am no feminist as that is western devilism. As long as the pursuit of your own education and ambitions do not conflict with Islam, then there is no reason for a woman to limit herself in such a manner.
Children and wealth are but trials and it is our Islamic duty to procreate but some people don't realise that a woman makes a huge sacrifice to have a child. Not only physically and in the basic care for the child but also having the primary responsibility of how that child is guided. A good education would be a solid foundation in that case.
I recommend that you inform your family and take refuge there. In some cases a trial separation can work and make the aggressor see the errors of their ways. You need to outweigh the pros and cons of your marriage. However you should not act passively and certainly not blame yourself as that is the nature of every woman who is domestically abused.
In difficult times call upon Allah as your ultimate guide and strengthen your worship of Allah as this will give you confidence and reassurance in whatever decision you take.
All the best
As salamu alaikum.
The only thing I would like to add: he wants children but he beats his wife.
Do u really want ur children 2 grow up around someone like this?
Once u have children u can'tleave as easily.
You will have to have contact 2 him til ur kids are teenagers.
Now u still can get out.
Once u have a kid its different.
Leave him and don't look back.
Save ur future children from abuse
Get divorced as soon as possible. He will abuse you as many times he wants. In Islam, there is no way a man should hit a woman. I was married too when I was 19 and he hit me too. I left him because he became like a devil. Nobody deserves to be abused.
As I see it is like a cultural problem; I think that he really think that what you are doing is unnaceptable, he surely think that the husband must have the right to decide when his wife will have children. I think he could be thinking that you are prioritizing your studies over your role as a wife. Maybe he even dont want that you continue studing because he think it is not for the benefit of the marriage. I wonder why you marry him if it was going difficult to accept be limited. Anyway, you should try to understand which are his desires and try to negotiate to see what can you get without compromise much his interests.
Other point is that he looks as acceptable hit you to force you to make what he thinks is the correct, so, you need to know that if you cotinue married with him, I think you would need to accept that he will hit you if you dont obey him.
Your Husband should be arrested and thrown in jail as he is a despicable person (I would hold back on calling him a "Human Being" as by hitting you, a Lady, just because you disagree with his wishes, he has lost the right to BE considered a Human Being in MY opinion!).
I am a person born into the Christian faith, although I do not "actively" practise ANY Religion whatsoever. I know... simply KNOW as a matter of absolute fact, that there is no need...NONE WHATSOEVER...for any person to ever practise and/or follow ANY Religion at all...in order to become and remain...a wonderful...caring... kind...considerate...helpful and gentle Human Being.
As far as the Quran is concerned...IT IS 100% TOTALLY WRONG in its "ruling" that Women are subservient to men and that men have the "right" to HIT Women, if they ever feel it is needed in order to chastise the Woman and force HER to do THEIR bidding.
Because of this fact ALONE, the Quran is an outdated...ancient and basically prehistoric scripture that should have been rejected as such...long, LONG ago!
If anybody reading what I have written here (in DEFENCE of this poor Woman!!!) disagrees with me, then by all means leave a reply. But please consider accepting the fact, that I am RIGHT and YOU are WRONG!!!
Having SAID that... I am still willing to read what you may wish to say. All I ask is that you make your comments relevant, constructive and intelligently composed.
Regards: DANIEL.
Daniel, your comment is insulting and unhelpful. Do you think that, instead of advising the woman sincerely, you are helping by attacking her holy book? You did not defend the woman as you claimed. You merely attacked her religion, which is just another kind of arrogance and oppression.
The Quran does not give men the right to hit women. Though some have interpreted it this way, they are mistaken. See my post, Wife Beating.
Take your atheist agenda somewhere else.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hello Daniel,
I'll try to answer your question. First though, your goal to become a good human being is admirable but it should also include giving thanks to God and offering worship. God created man so that man could worship God. God would like to see gratitude for things like eyesight, water, housing and food and so forth. So if you say you're going to be a good person but deny God then that's like being a good neighbor that denies his landlord and doesn't pay up. Just like the landlord would evict you, God would be justified in placing you in hell. This fulfills my job in warning you and until you can figure out how to avoid death I would take the warning of eternal burning, hunger, and thirst very seriously. On a positive note though, if you do worship and are grateful then God has prepared the best residence where you can have what you ask for.
Moving on, this girl's husband isn't authorized in Islam to do what he did. This verse indicates that what is due to wives is similar than what is expected of them:
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https://quran.com/2/228
Divorced women remain in waiting for three periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.
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Islam does say that men are the maintainers an protectors of women in:
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https://quran.com/4/34
Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.
*******
Now, someone in charge of protection and maintenance must be given the authority to have obedience. If you hire a babysitter and tell your kids that they don't have to obey her, then you would be to blame if they got injured from a car when they ran into the road and didn't listen to her. So the responsibility of protection must also come with the right of authority.
To establish authority, Islam offers 3 tools as written above. First you use reasoning and usually this is enough, next you use psychological abuse as a deterrent when you leave their beds. And finally when neither works then you use physical abuse as a deterrent. Now things should not progress this far for the majority of adults. Reasoning is usually enough. And taking into account the other verse, marriage is not the equivalent of slavery in Islam, women have the same rights as what is expected of them. If you ask your wife to be obedient and give a massage then it's your turn to pay up and give her one too. And you can't ask things that are unreasonable such as asking for a massage when she's sick. She's your wife you have to care about her and fulfill her needs, the whole reason why you were given authority in the first place.
Now if you think this system is unfair then I'm going to say that it makes such logical sense that it's implemented outside of religion everywhere. And where it is not implemented there are serious consequences. Example:
Police protect the community: They use reasoning first, verbal threats next, and then physical force.
If you were to say that physical force is barbaric and outdated Police would lose their authority and their ability to protect people from themselves. Keep in mind that we are not slaves to the Police but they are our protectors in the community and are armed to keep authority.
I hope this helps you.
Daniel,
I responded to your recent comment but it didn't get approved. Good luck to you in your life. Salam.
I am facing abuse in my marriage life. My husband hits me whilst holding the baby, it's a disgrace how a baby is witnessing violehce. I spoke to him about missing salah and he compare's with my missed salah (when I was on my menstral cycle). I grew hate for him and I want to run a mile. My head is in pain and my jaws. No one has beaten me in my life. I have forgave him in the past events. Now I want to run a mile and never want a marriage life..