Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband ignoring me sexually and I need options

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A sexless marriage

Salam,

I am a 24yr old married woman who have been married for 4 yrs with my husband. Together we have a 15 mth  old son. My husband has been ignoring me sexually. Even before my pregnancy our sex life had been not so great. When I was pregnant we couldn't do anything because of pregnancy complications so of course he turned to porn. Even before pregnancy I have had this problem with him.  He always denies it... since the birth of our baby we have had sex like about 4 times and he is 15 mths now. I tried talking to him, telling him my feelings and confronting him about porn, and he always says that he will change and that he won't look at porn anymore and that was last year.

Since then he still looks at porn every chance he gets and masturbate rather than coming to me. Many times I catch him in the act and this always ends up in a big fight then he would tell me he won't do it again. I am so frustrated. I tried talking to him, asking if the problem is me and what can I do?  He goes on like nothing is wrong with you. He is blaming his bad habit on the absence of me due to pregnancy and says he will try to change, but to be honest he is not even trying. I really don't know what to do. Because of that I  learned how to ignore it and now I don't want to even have sex with  him ...(not that he ever approached me).

So my questions are:  Is masturbation bad since I get no sex at all for months?  Are sex toys bad? What are my options and how can I resolve my sexually frustrated life?

Thanks,

- anisagaf02


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58 Responses »

  1. Salam sister
    Pleaase don't masturbate as masturbation is haram in islam. Also the viewing of porngraphy is haram as well and these both are disgusting acts. As islam teaches us to lower our gaze and remain chastity, but only to your husband and wife you may have the sexual pleasure. You must tell your husband that what he is doing is haram and disgusting and he has a wife that can give him pleasure of sex and you have a husband that can give you the pleasure of sex. You mus tell him that this is haram and a sin.

    Showing that pornography is haram
    "Surely God enjoins justice, kindness and the doing of good, to kith and kin; and He forbids all that is shameful, indecent, evil, rebellious and oppressive." (Quran 16:90)

    God is Against Pornography (Fuhsha) whether Open or Hidden
    "Tell them (O Muhammad): 'My Lord has only forbidden indecent acts, whether overt or hidden"
    innama haram rabbial fawahisha ma zahar aminha wma batan.. (Quran 7:33).

    "Enjoin believing men to restrain their gaze and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Surely Allah is well aware of all what they do.

    And enjoin believing women to restrain their gaze and guard their private parts and additionally not to reveal their adornment except that which is revealed of itself." Quran 24:30-31

    Therefore, watching pornography or other indecent acts in the privacy of the home or on the internet is also forbidden.

    Showing the masturbation is haram
    "And those who guard their private parts except from their wives or from those whom they own; are not to be blamed. However, those who seek (sexual pleasure) beyond that are the transgressors."

    Seven (people) whom Allah will not look at on The Day of Resurrection nor will He purify them nor will he assemble them with the doers (of good) and He will make them the first to enter into the fire except if they repent and whoever repents Allah will accept his repentance:

    1. The one who masturbates.
    2. The one who engages in anal sex.
    3. The one who allows anal sex to be done to him.
    4. The who constantly consumes alcohol.
    5. The one who beats his parents until the scream for help.
    6. The one who harms his neighbours till they curse him.
    7. The one who has sexual intercourse with his neighbour’s wife.

    masturbation and pornography is not allowed and you shouldn't use sex toys as well. it becomes really sinful to masturbate when you have a husband and your husband as you to give sexual pleasure. You must talk to him on what his doing is haram and should start following you deen by praying 5 times, fasting, giving charity and doing righteous deeds and asking Allah for help. If your husband doesn't listen then see a marriage counselor to find out your problems with each other and he may open up on why is doing this.

    • Muslimboy, you are right of course about pornography, but I don't believe that the verse you quoted is a clear prohibition of masturbation at all. I know that Imam Malik interpreted it that way. But I think the sensible explanation is that it is a prohibition of fornication and adultery. Seeking pleasure beyond the bounds of marriage would refer to seeking unlawful relations with someone else.

      Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal regarded semen as an excretion of the body like other excretions, and permitted its expulsion the same way blood letting is permitted. Ibn Hazm holds the same view. However, the Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry.

      And Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi feels that Imam Ahmad's opinion is stronger.

      Also, you mentioned seven people who will be the first to enter the fire, but I have never seen that narration before. Where is it from?

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • MuslimBoy, can you please provide a reference for "Seven (people) whom Allah will not look at on The Day of Resurrection" comment? I dont think any such thing is there but I might be wrong. There are ahaadith about 3 types of people but not seven but I might be wrong. Thanks!

  2. it is permitted to masturbate with the hand of one’s wife’.

  3. Salaams,

    Based on the information you gave about your husband's activities, it sounds very possible that he is suffering from a sexual addiction to pornography. Usually with any type of addiction, just knowing that it is "wrong" or having a desire to "change" is not enough to overcome the power of the addiction. He may have been struggling with this for many years, even before he married you.

    Your husband is going to have to enlist the support of many resources if he is going to be successful in overcoming this problem. He will benefit from trying to stay consistent in his ibadah, and if he can find a shaykh to help him increase his spiritual inclinations this will also benefit him. In addition, a certified therapist who treats non-chemical addictions and compulsions can help him work on changing his behaviors, as well as attendance in support groups like sex addicts anonymous.

    As for yourself and dealing with your own physical needs, it is not adviseable to indulge in masturbation if you can at all help it (lest you find yourself with a habit that is difficult to break). However, some schools of thought allow it in cases where doing so on a minimal basis will help you to avoid greater temptations, such as that of adultery.

  4. As-Salamu Alaikum
    I went through a similar situation as you did, early in my marriage. From my experience (and some people's which I've read) men masturbate (excessively) when they feel stressed, not loved, and have a lack of confidence. Addiction comes through these feelings. In the beginning of our marriage my husband would prefer masturbation over sex (for almost three years). He would fulfill my desires but mostly when I approached him. I felt that dealing with him kindly, gently, and not making a huge fuss changed him completely, Alhumdulillah. Be patient sister, but I advise you to stop telling him that pornography is haram, because he already knows that, and telling him will push him further into it. Make yourself extremely happy in his presence and when he does something (major) that you dislike, then let him feel that you are unhappy. All men want their wives to be happy, so keep a happy, joyous attitude around him, and when he sees you frown and unhappy he will try to change to see you happy. I hope, inshaAllah, both of you find in each other the best friend and spouse. :)

  5. thank everyone for your inputs... till now i am still trying and hoping that everything will be ok .
    Salaam

    • there are different ways to satisfy each others needs even when your pregnant and have complications or if your are sick one can use the hand to satisfy the partner beautiful clothing sweet talking nice fragrance cuddling touching kissing..... eventually the man will mustarbate unless he has a serious problem.sex does not take long and is not difficult and it does not cause illness one simply satisfies the other to protect him from haraam then its all over like nothing happened.

  6. Hi,

    I am also married to a Muslim man and I started thinking just like you, girl. Masturbation brings no real pleasure and, in the end, you feel very very sad after it. It's all in your mind and in the end you are alone in bed, with yourself. This is why I don't do it any more, as the after-feeling is very sad. So, I don' advise it.

    If your man neglects you, try to find out the reason - maybe he is afraid he is not good in bed. Maybe he is too tired to engage in making love to you. Maybe love is gone? It would be interesting to know how he treats you in your general life - is he attentive to you, does he listen to you, is he involved in the family life? Hopefully he is.

    Haram is also when one of the partners doesn't satisfy the other partner. Probably he should be reminded that. Nonetheless, you should not pressure him and you should try to find out his reasons as gently as possible (don't bring the topic about immediately, like you would assault him or so). Most men are very very sensitive when it comes to sex and their performance in bed. So this topic should be handled with delicacy, otherwise you will scare them off.

    Just an opinion.

  7. Salam. I ended up on this page while looking for something else and thought to share my views. Not sure if it is okay to post a reply now since last post was a while back but I'll go ahead and write my experience and thoughts anyways maybe it helps someone else

    Background: I am Muslim, married to the girl I loved since my childhood, and have 3 kids, AlhamdoLillah.

    Reason why I wanted to write: I used to watch porn, a lot of porn ... even after marriage ... to a point I would hate myself. I knew it was haram but could not stop it. May Allah SWT forgive me and make me stand firm now. Aamin.

    I guess the problem of husband watching porn, going to prostitutes, etc. really start at home and I'll try to explain

    Muslim women in general dont know how to look beautiful to their husband (I say this blaming individuals not the religion; Islam is in fact very open about sex but that is another topic).

    There is a line between hijab for society and openness in private life for the husband. Every married woman must know these two worlds very well AND be able to switch between the two worlds several times a day ...

    It really starts with the parents and the society from childhood. Muslim girls are not exposed to what makes them attractive except white skin, nail polish and a lipstick. Wearing clothes that cover them from head to toe and staying home with parents for 20 years before marriage in somehow controlled environment makes them forget who they are and what they need to be for their husbands after marriage. Please dont get me wrong; I do want my daughter to wear Islamic dress and be modest but it is parents job to teach their kids real life problems so read on ...

    The guys happen to have better exposure of the outside world. Chances are they have seen TV or film actresses with thin waist and big man-made silicon breasts. They might have even seen wild sex in porn so the expectations are really high for their spouses to be how she will look like and be like in the bed. But what happens after marriage? Muslim girls dont even know if they can have sex with clothes or without any clothes, with lights on or off, touch private parts of their husband or not ... list goes on and on and forums are full of these types of questions. Unbelievable! Isn't it? Guys ... 'private life' is so private that even religion respects it and did not get into minor details leaving it on to you and me to figure out what works for you in the bed

    Anyway, living with a typical Pakistani wife for 14 years ... I can tell she was shy, afraid of sex, cold in bed, and without a Barbie girl type of body I happened to see on porn websites (by the way all porn lovers: these are all modified bodies with surgeries, and special lights and camers and angles ... get over it). I was living with a wife loved me .. a lot ... but was not loving the sex with me. It says everything I guess. I have hard time believing majority of other women from Islamic world are different. Now compare that to the girls who have been with dozens of guys, wear tiny clothes, are wild in bed and the result is like a Pakistani guy who said to me when I landed in this country: “Never spend a night with any western girl – she will ruin your marriage” (he had divorced his Pakistani wife and was regretfully living with a non Mulsim woman in New Jersey)

    Guys have high sex drive everyone knows this. I am not saying person starting the thread is not attractive but do you know what makes a girl attractive? Have you tried wearing dress exposing your curves? Do you know there are lingerie stores where you can get in like a thick unattractive woman and come out as very eye catching attractive lady? Did you try taking shower and putting nice fragrance before going to bed? Do you drink enough water to smell good? Did you buy slippery satin bed-sheets, do you know there is nuru gel which is slipper as hell? list goes on and on … Took me a long time ... very long time … to finally get to a point where my wife said to me very recently that she has now started enjoying sex. That was the happiest day of my life! That is when my porn went down … I am still not where I would not masturbate but from once a week to three times a week is big progress. I am more satisfied and our love has gone 10 fold. It was not easy. I would get upset and frustrated, even left my house once to go and see some prostitute but Allah SWT brought me back without reaching there... AlhamdoLillah.

    At the end let me say one thing no one can disagree: It is thousand times EASIER for a woman to bring a guy to the bed regardless of who he is and how you look like … Complaining about someone who watches porn and masturbates not having sex with a woman? Come on! The guy is already into sex and has high sex drive … All you need to do is make yourself attractive … I can assure he will come to you. Search for lingerie and shapers on ebay, look for open bust items, quarter bras, shelf bras, … lol … now I sound like having a PhD in woman clothing but that is how much it took me to spice up my sex life … this is much ignored subject that is why I was forced to write this all … The problem is women today are not delivering what their men want and men might very well be asking for too much but he is your husband and Allah SWT made sex important part of our lives why not let it go and enjoy it?. Think about it and work on it; I am sure it will get better.

    By the way some comments to hubbies too after the rage against women :-) When you hug your wife in the kitchen she is working on preparing food for kids, when you sit on the computer till midnight and want to do it waking her up from sleep remember she needs to wake-up early in the morning for fajar and prepare food for kids, when you come home from work at 8pm at night you need to understand she is tired from cleaning the house and handling kids all day long ... women are complicated yet most beautiful creature of Allah SWT … admire them, be nice to them, and please give them time ... quality time … alone… it will be worth it ... well worth it ...

    Good luck!

    • Was not sure about forum's policies so I did not write these details in first post in case it is not approved by moderators. Needed to ask this question from married women do you really know what types of fantasies your husband has? Have you ever spoken to him about how he wants you to be dressed up in bed? what positions he likes? Let me go a step further and ask do you know what is an orgasm and if you do what is the difference between clitoral orgasm and vaginal orgasm? Do you know anything about A Spot, G Spot and U Spot in vagina? I bet you dont know your own body ...

      Above are very important things to know for healthy sexual life. Girls appearing in porn videos are the ones you are competing against I am sorry to say, and they know what makes a man feel good. Pornstars, Webcams, Social Media, Dating Websites, ever increasing nudity in society,etc is what you are competing against (it is only going to get worst by the way - wait till Google Glass comes out of virtual reality gets closed to the real world when they will be able to have sex with a virtual girl they create in 3D).

      When husbands step out of the house they see and experience lot more than wives can imagine. I live in the US and have not been to Pakistan for over 10 years so cannot say how it is out there now but I can bet opportunities for extra marital affairs will be in abundance. In the US I have been invited to have sex on several occasions ... in the parking lots, stores, on the streets ... and remember I was NOT looking for it.

      Again there is big and mighty attractive world outside your home ... You need to make your little world more attractive ... so attractive that it is like a magnet. This is much more than cooking tasty food and raising kids ... it requires lots of things and moves and every woman needs to understand this.

      PS: Women might think how can they compete against beautiful attractive ladies out there. Please get over this complex. It is mostly in your head. Knowing what pleases your husband in bed is the most important thing. A highly attractive woman laying down nude on the bed waiting for husband to do everything is much worst than a 200 pounds unattractive lady who knows how to sew/buy clothing to put around her tummy and chest making her attractive and get engaged in sexual activity full of excitement and energy. I know it is hard for a woman to ask what pleases her husband but you'll get a chance to ask sooner or later ... when it happens please ask did he like it or not and remember it next time Lots of times women might want to do certain thing or acts but hold it back thinking 'what my husband will think of me if I am not modest' ... Please get over this feeling. You are married living under same roof sharing bodies ... do whatever you desire just keep in mind whatever happens in bed sticks to the bedroom and is never shared outside. I promise it you make bedroom a really exciting experience hubbies will keep begging for more ...

      PSS: Reading my post again it seems like it is all women fault. No. I did not want to give that impression. I respect women a lot. Only writing this from a husband's perspective what they expect from their wives ... well ... maybe not all husbands expect this but atleast I did :D

      Good luck!

      • seriously, what an insult to muslim women, porn stars out competition ??? wow!!! the man that watches porn has obviosly got black in his heart and is suffering from a very dangerous disease , he needs to look deeply into his nafs and correct them, and build up his iman, how dare you ever even think this dirty women are even near to a believing woman, Allah has ordered you to lower your gaze , alot of men also dont have a clue on how to make a woman happy in bed, he is ignorant of her needs, and unsure how to keep her satisfied, either way turning to porn or any haram is the wrong way in any case , rather they should be honest with each other and seek further knowledge, a muslim woman should never take a non believer as an example nor learn from haram/zina, we have perfect ways to please our husband and our religion is complete and it is all there, fear Allah brother and sisters, when it comes to mayor sins, look at the ummah, muslims are getting butchered in burma, syria , gaza,,,,,muslim blood has become cheap,,,,, look how our men are talking,,,,,how can they even defend the woman and kids,,,when they are to busy in the alluring world of shaytan

        • I just showed you all women the reality your men face everyday. They are the ones who go out on the street and streets are full of attractive women trying to get out of their clothes. When they are on the computer sooner or later something shows up where they end up clicking and spending the night watching girls in bikinis. That is the reality. The point I am trying to make is husbands will continue to have opportunities to commit sin and it is getting harder and harder for them everyday to stay away from sin related to sex. If wives could play a better role and fulfill the desires of their men they will be less prone to all what is out there ... Need to understand male and connection between how often he fulfills the desired at home vs. going out and committing sin. Less attraction at home means more sins on the computer and on the street ... it is as simple as that so women also need to play better role than cursing their men. God Bless!

          • Lurker,

            Are you muslim?

            Yes the world is full of desire, be it sexual, beauty, wealth, power, men women etc. We all desire things we cannot have or are not allowed to have according to islam. I love jewellery my parents have given me some nice jewellery but when I check out the online shiops and shopping malls and tv adverts their are more dazzling gold and diamonds shinning in my eyes. I cant take my eyes off them. I want them! I cant get away from these diamonds there everywhere!! so now I am not happy with the jewellry I have at home and my parents are not multimillionairs to buy me the most preetiest diamond so do I give into temptation and steal???!!!
            And then blame it on my parents for being poor and not being me the diamonds advertised everywhere???

            No!. I thank Allah for what I have and value the diamond I have at home. Don't you think every husband should value his wife like a precouse diamond??

            Life is not just about sex. Women have not been sent as sex objects to stop men sinning. If women can stop men from sinning by being porn stars at home then Allah would not have asked us to lower our gaze!! Its about obediance to Allah so if Allah told you to lower your gaze then you should lower your gaze! and stop looking at dirty stuff on the internet. The shaytan is out their you have to fight the shaytan!

            I asked my cheating ex husband one day why he cheated on me? what was it that I wasn't giving him. He said he was happy with me but there are millions of women in this world some women have beatiful eyes, some have beatiful lips, hair, body etc so why stick to one. No one women posses all the beauty. Every women has phisical flaws because Alah made us this way! I cant be the preetiest women in the world as much as my husband wants me to be! He wanted to explore and didnt care that it was a sin!! so its none of the reasons you explained above. If you fear Allah you will stay on the halal path and help your wife to help you. Thats the way it should be.

            Men just need to control their nafs and be happy with what they have at home or improve it by talking openly to their wives about their desires, and same goes for the wife! Its as simple as that!!

          • Well clearly the evil legacy of your porn viewing days has left a permanent scar on your brain. Absolutely disgusting.

            It is a shame, shame indeed no man has counter-acted what you have said. Why should a Muslim woman feel the need to compete with a satanic porn actress, who allows herself to be so utterly degraded? Although some are drugged and coerced to behave in this manner.

            I can't imagine you actually respect your wife for the human being that she is and she has just had to lower herself in a 'can't beat 'em join 'em' approach. Read back what you have written and you said you have a daughter. Astaghfirullah.

            Lawful intercourse between spouses still needs to have a sense of modesty and respect. Please sisters do not listen to such evil advice, do not imitate the kuffar. Even that alias Lurker, 'the sneaking jinn whisperer' comes to mind.

            As another sister said, Muslims should not behave in a hedonistic way. Porn dehumanizes man and leads to all manner of perversions. Boundaries are important and human beings need to restrain themselves somewhat. I honestly feel sick!

            If a man desires a woman in this filthy way then he is only physically a man with the heart of a devil.

            Yes look attractive, but connect more emotionally and work at the actual relationship rather than sleaziness between the sheets.

            At this rate, I look forward to the day when technology implodes!

          • Sister Sumaira and Rashida,

            I am a Muslim AlhamdoLillah and a humble request to read all my previous messages before coming up to a conclusion that I am trying to curse or undermine importance of Muslim women.

            Also, try to understand we are in an online forum so the term "Lurker" needs to be seen in proper context (biblical meaning might be different but alias refers to Internet use of the word Lurker explained as following by Wikipedia: "In Internet culture, a lurker is typically a member of an online community who observes, but does not actively participate" (hope you wont accuse me of having changed it on Wikipedia ... :-)

            See, expecting Muslim men to be pious staying away from all sins is really good thing all Muslim men MUST do so because they are required do so ... The reality, however, is that Allah SWT has made men with (sexual) desires as very powerful part of their DNA. All I am saying is dont deny this fact, and ask your men to be pious alone when you know men are going to be offered higher reward than the martyrs (when they get the opportunity to commit zina but don't because of the fear of Allah SWT) so this must ve VERY hard thing for your men to do ... You cannot leave it just on to husbands and their imaan is what I am trying to say and showing you the realities how hard it is to protect ourselves from sins. A wife cannot control his man from going out and walking on the street ... But can take great care of his desires at home that he is not feeling horny or aroused when walking out or sitting in front of the computer alone (sorry I could not find better way to say this so had to be this explicit). Believe me, it is VERY hard for a man to protect his imaan when they are not taken care of their desires for a while and an opportunity arrives ... You still dont get the point that men are not looking for opportunity but society gives them sooner or later and once they cross the line it is even harder to come back because house wives have no clue how wicked those women are (I have not been to, AlhamdoLillah, but the confessions I have already made about porn have told me enough)

            Again, all I am saying is Muslim women need to keep in mind that there are a LOT more opportunities for their men that they can even think of and it is only going to get worst with holograms (see my other link of CNN below) so be enlightened and work on making yourselves and your homes attractive. I have used the words competition with pornstars in that context. That's all.

            See, the problem with women is that they dont listen the whole story or refuse to understand .. and pick things in bits and pieces ... oops! I just flared up things again lol ... But hey my intentions are not bad but I do have a weird sense of humor so could not stop from saying this ;-)

            God Bless!

    • Salaams,

      Brother I personally feel you comments only apply to certain groups of women, even though you've generalized them to any Muslim woman. While what you may be saying is true for females with certain cultural backgrounds, there are plenty of muslim women who grew up in the west and look forward to occasions where they can be "sexy". Not only that, but many women converts still have a very strong personal sexual identity that often shows itself in the privacy of their own homes and marriages.

      In addition to that, you conclude that this idea will solve the husband's masturbation problems. While this may have happened in your case, there are countless couples who aren't even muslim facing this same issue. There are couples who are steeped in dunya, where the wife is heartily sexually adventurous, and her man is still rejecting her.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Should not have generalized but when I think more there are 1.6 billion Muslims in the world out of which 1 billion are in South/South-East, 0.3 billion in Middle-East and 0.25 billion in Africa. This leaves very little population outside the cultures I was referring to (half of Muslim population is in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Iran alone; link).

        One can argue internet penetration is higher in remaining segment but when we look at Internet users by country (link), countries like India, Iran, Nigeria, and Pakistan are among top Internet using countries in the world ... so I still feel standing behind my argument because majority of posts on Muslim message boards should be from the societies I mentioned

        PS: Not sure if we can compare issues inside Muslim households to the issues among Non-Muslims; there are way too many variables and they are on the other extreme side where masturbation has no relative significance compared to us Muslims. Yes there are psychological issues and bunch of sick minded people are out there but again we are not talking about exceptions here.

        Thanks and God Bless!

        • Wow! reading ur comments made me feel like i were reading an encyclopedia on SEX.
          Although i agree that there r a lot of women out there who r completely unaware of their sexuality but noone can really blame them. Coz the exposure to sex for a practicing muslim would only come after marriage.
          the reason y i said practicing is not just in terms of premarital relations but also other habits like masturbation and entertaining sexual fantacies. if u r from a practicing background then u r taught to avoid certain habits since they r haram anyway so tell me how exactly can a woman tell a difference between the 2 orgasms when she hasnt even experienced one?. and even for those who r in a monogamous relationship or for a long time with one partner(muslims who r married and the non muslims) wouldnt b able to tell how the experience may vary unless they went out of the way to have a different encounter for a sexual adventure. its not so much about being raised in the west or somewhere else on the globe to b able to b sexually smart. its about devoting some extra effort and thought into making it spicy and a practicing woman will only try that after her marriage. too bad if the husband doesnt appreciate her coyness since her inexperience in this particular job at the time of marriage should only be seen as a merrit and the man should consider himself very lucky and not otherwise. i have always found myself appreciating women who take interest to make themselves glamorous and interesting for their husbands but putting them under unnecessary pressure by saying ur competing with those pornstars so buckup is a bit too much for a muslimah. simpky coz i can watch my weight and work at a gym to tone myself up after having a baby but i still cant have a silicon surgery or a lipposuction or a tummy tuck. so cant really b like one of those virtual barbies that men r exposed to on the internet. i can buy myself a few good sets of lingeries from the all womens store but i cant just go on ordering from victoria's secret every month coz i also have to watch his wallet after all we have a house to run its not just my bed. or i just cant walk into a sex toys shop in my abaya and let ppl look at me like ohh ho look who is here ? i personally even find hard to wander into the lingerie section of
          the mall and go through the horror of placing them on the male cashier's table for
          billing. now the list can go on. the bottom line is that it wont b too hard to compete with those women for us coz all we will have to do is just devote our lives for just one thing SEX! Let my husband become bankrupt, let my children starve for basic meals ill just spread some silky bedsheet and lie on it in my expensive bra and make a pose and lie there all day thinking about what games to play when he gets back. what else do i need to? oh yeah! watch porn too and try to discover different orgasms myself and learn about different spots from A to Z. who has time to pray or do zikr or clean up or do the kid's homework and dive them to different classes and then ofcourse cook for the sex addict husband? its ridiculous to even put a muslimah on the same page with a pornstar just because you have chosen a haram life style. muslim men r turning into hedonists. this is horrifying. Marital sex can b made beautiful not by just one partner but by mutual love and understanding, patience and appreciation, acceptance and devotion. that is the way one can have a beautiful marriage not by just objectifying ur spouse or comparing him or her with the plastic ppl who have devoted their lives to spreading fitnah in the world.

          if this is how u r going to advice ppl it wont b too long for sone stupid men who r anyway stuck into this habit to feel free of any guilt and put the blame on their wives for their vices. How easy will it b for them to tell their women " be like that pornstar or ill watch porn or ill masturbate or even worse, head out to meet a prostitute. dont forget that since the technology has advanced i have many options and thus u have to compete with these sluts" SICK!

          now read this carefully
          1. sex is sadqa and its a man's duty to satisfy his woman and woman's duty to satisfy her man. so do whatever u can to spice up ur relationship within the halal ways. which includes beautification, consideration, appreciation etc.

          2. be careful about the fitnah around. it was always there and will worsen with every era. you, learn to lower ur gaze. trials will come ur way. prostitutes existed even back then and they will continue to. they have called men for haram deeds and they will continue to so just LOWER YOUR GAZE.

          3. dont get use to haram habits. masturbation, entertaining sexual thoughts etc kick the habit b4 it consumes u.

          4. Dont think like a hedonist. this life is not about enjoyment alone. if u start believing that enjoyment is ur right so u should get it as often as u please u will have little regard for other's feelings and convenience. A muslim is not a selfish hedonist.

          5. sabr. how many times have u read about sabr in quran? there r people who have no eyes some have no limbs. if u cant get get steamy sex and it frustrates u then think of the other things Allah could have tested u with. Allah s.w.t has repeated it several times to stress upon sabr and he hasnt done it just for fun. ponder over that thought. if u feel unsatisfied or feel like u arent as compatible with ur spouse sexually but her or his other qualities r good then adjust with the lukewarm sex. dont go out for the steamy one will burn u forever. Do u know how many women do not experience orgasm? leave the different kinds alone. im taking about married women. go make a quick search and find out urself. do u know how many men suffer from ED and PE? check that too. coz that will give u a rough estimate on the number of sexually frustrated women in the world. so what should keep ur emaan in place? sabr. sabr is for all of us. every1 who aims for jannah. its not for free. its about a lot of hard work and sacrifices.

          6. never blame ur spouse for ur bad deeds. though ur spouse is ur half deen but that is coz a pious spouse encourages piety in the other plus sees his or her pleasure as his service to God, but he will not b answerable for what u do on the day of judgement. if u cannot adjust u know u have an option but b careful about how u blame ppl to feel guiltless.

          May Allah give us all taqwa coz most of the problems arise when man starts looking for heaven on earth.

          • @ apple green: My posts were intended to bring awareness to sisters. That's all. You dont have to try to convince me what I said is wrong and I dont have to reply to you saying what you said does not make sense. Whatever I said is the reality you dont seem to agree with or understand, and whatever you said might be a reality but I wont understand it either ... This is because our genders and DNA are different Allah SWT made us this way ...

            Sharing thoughts in open manner, however, brings awareness and it is first step towards correcting a problem. What I still believe is reality (that I shared) sounds harsh to you but that is the reality from a male's perspective. We are living in a very different world unfortunately. Wait for 5 more years till technology brings real-looking (virtual) human bodies in front of you via holograms. It is going to get really bad (for all of us) I am sorry to say that. I called it competition which seemed to have offended you and I am sorry for using that word but that is what it really is or going to be I am sorry to say it again ... Desire is such a thing, and Allah SWT has put it in to humans ...

            Thanks and God Bless!

          • No brother i dont intend to argue with u anymore than what i already have and i since i have explained myself enough but this line caught my attention..
            "Wait for 5 more years till technology brings real-looking (virtual) human bodies in front of you via holograms. It is going to get really bad (for all of us) i am sorry to say that." Yes perhaps, shouldnt that remind us of the certain arrival of the worst fitnah in human history? The fitnah of Dajjal. He will show us his so called vitual very real looking heaven to us.

            It will worsen everyday brother, however nothing but strong eman will save us. let us practice it and encourage others to do the same. That will b our only shield against him. Whatever our DNA profiles or gender may be,eman is the key.

            May Allah save our ummah from confusion. Ameen.

          • I am surprised it started happening much before I thought so sharing the link how CNN's correspondent who was not there physically was pictured in front of Wolf B.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thOxW19vsTg

            This was clone of a real person ... Next level will be completely virtual bodies in studios and finally in our homes ... This world is going to be very nasty place. May Allah SWT save us and our coming generations from all the fitnas. Aamin.

            PS: You have a very good point; maybe Dajjal does so using holograms. Thanks for enlightening me ...

    • salam brother, i very much see your point but i also have a different opinion, am a revert to islam, and my sex drive is very high, i wear very attractive clothing, mcha Allah am very pretty, my husband does not even sleep on the same bed as me, and is very neglectful of my needs in intimacy because work is and has always been his priority ,its not just about sex its also about how you are with each other in general, so sometimes, its not the man and its not the woman, its lack of understanding and communication and compromising and knowing one another boundaries,
      it is lack in knowledge in religion, because islam is very much complete and all aspects are covered, knowing how to treat and please your spouse has been thought in islam, and if quran and sunnah is followed properly problems are solved, every marriage has issues, no one can deny this,
      i ask Allah to help this ummah and bring us back to tauheed and back to the pious mumin muslimin,

    • Lurker :D mashaAllah akhi fillah u made ma day d way u explained everything in your post to reply to d sister above n infact u inspired me to spicy up ma marriage life
      barakaAllah fiik

  8. Sometimes I am also neglected from sex. I have some questions please help me answer them.

    I was reading somewhere that if a women say no to her husband when he wants sex, God is not pleased and angles curse her for the whole night. Narrarted Abu Huraira

    Allah's Apostle (Pbuh) said, " If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relations) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning." (Sahih Al-Bukhari Vol. 4 Hadith No. 460 & Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3368)

    Narrated Abu Huraira

    The Messenger of Allah (swt) said: By him in whose hand is my life, when a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond, the One Who is in the heaven is displeased with her untill he (her husband) is pleased with her. (Sahih Muslim Vol. 2 Hadith No. 3367)

    Now the question is, what is the husband says no to sex is he going to get the same punishment as i mentioned above. because the husband can lead his wife to commit a sin for her pleasure. and if he says no and it has been more then a year that they had sex does it brake the NIKKAH!?!?!?!???

    Is sex important to keep a marriage alive??? and what do women have as rights to sex? Does ALLAH hate that man who doesn't please his wife??? ANNA

    • Salaams,

      Women have the same sexual rights over their husbands as the husbands have over them. I don't know what their punishment is if they neglect it though.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • women have great rights to intercourse ,,,,,infact most scholars agree that it is the greatest right she has over the man,,,,because she can get food/clothes/shelter by erself....family .... but her sexual needs only from him,,,,,,it is also important that you are very open about your needs,,,,,some men lack in this and dont pay enough attention to his wife in bed,,,,,

  9. Assalam.

    I would like to ask for an advice which i think related to the dicussion here- beautifying oneself for a husband. As it is a very important topic for me personally. (Hijabi sisters only, please).

    When I was a non-Hijabi my hairstyle would stay the same all day long, once I style it in the morning.
    I still do a stylish haircut under the Hijab (shoulder length style with short bangs), but it is becoming more challenging. Since I have to do ponytails under the scarf, when I get home take my Hijab off, take ponytail down, the style is gone and my hair is totally disfigured- hair would be totally flat attached to the head  . This bothers me a lot….
    So to correct it and be beautiful again, it seems I have to wash it and style it all over, which honestly I don’t find time and energy to do so after long hours of work. And evenings are the times when your husband comes home and wants to see you beautiful, right?
    Would you give an advice for a new Hijabi sister on how to keep your hair stylish and be beautiful to your husband?

    JazakAllah Khayran.

    • salam sister, i think if the hair is shoulder length you wont need to put it in pony tail, with konger hair you can buy a hair clip and use that to hold your hair, and dont do your hijjab so tight, but in the evening if you cant be bothered to wash your hair, you can put your head down and brush it out and than put a small scarf/bandana around the front bit/forehead and then put your head up,,, if that makes sense ,,,,than wen hubby get home just take scarf off n shake ur hair out,,,,,or brush it again while head downwards n give it acshake with hands,,,,,,but u know men suppose to make efford 4 us also ,,,,,xx

  10. alot of the time men get put off if they see the woman, acting manly, again we should increase our knowledge to learn how to make our men happy and everyman has different desires and different likes and wants, just get to know your man, and teach him what you like/dont like,,,,,

  11. Salam Aalyiekum,

    i have 10 years of marriage and suffering this problem from 9 years (remainder of post deleted by editor)

    • Salaams,

      You may feel free to submit your question as a separate post so it can receive it's own set of responses. However, please be advised that there are already several posts about your issue on this site, and browsing through them may give you enough information on how to manage your situation.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. salam brothers and sisters
    after reading these comments i am really embarassed. i am a 16 year old muslim boy and i masturbate everyday but now i think that its highly dangerous for me and i wish to end it but again i do masturbate so please help me by advicing how to stop it. Though i dont want to be from those who are abundant from the mercy and kindness of Al Mighty God..please help me as fast as you see this comment

    • Waleed!
      Sorry to hear that you are struggling but it's normal as you are a teenager; at that age hormones are all over the place. Everyone goes through that phase; there have been a lot of posts on this subject. You should search our archive and iA you will find the answer or sign in and write your question as a separate post and it will be answered on it's turn iA.

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  13. thanks but is it alright??? muhammad 1982

    • Waleed,
      There are different opinions about masturbation such as haram, permissible (if one fears falling into zina) but Makruh. So, you have to search this forum or others to find the answer that suits you however I agree that it should be avoided as much as possible and if one is of marriageable age and can afford it then should get married. For further help please refer to other similar posts or write a separate post which will be answered on it's turn iA. Any more comments from this point onward will be instantly deleted.

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  14. Please forgive me but I feel ike ppl on this site and even admin seem more "interested" towards topics related towards this nature?

    Y is it that wen sumones in a really sad depressed state of mind know one really cares? OR maybe only a few will answer? But wen it comes to topics abt sexuality, masturbation, a husband & wifes sex life, pregnancy, ppl r so involved.

    Its sad to see how ppl are involved. We should take part and help everyone that may have issues, if time permits.

    As for this girl thats having problems, well maybe u need marriage counseling and seriously talk to ur husband abt this. If this was an arranged marriage I really wish u luck sorry to say

    • We are not more interested in this subject than any other. We get a lot of questions on these topics because many Muslims have nowhere else to go for answers on sexual matters. And I would point out that you are commenting here as well.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @wael

        I'm only commenting b/c I didn't want this girl to be put on the spot.
        I understand that Muslims can't go elsewhere got sexual advice but what about those helpless Muslims that art write their posts, and are hardly answered? Plz don't deny that most ppl do take interest in such topics more, it's pretty obvious.

        • If ur telling me Muslims have no where to go for sexual advice well we need to step up and help those in need regardless of there situation. A Muslims job is to help those as best he can in his ability. I just think it's disappointing and I really wish ur site Wud take this more seriously.

          • Now that is really interesting noor ... complain about something and then recommend the same :-)

            Like admin said people are not open to discussing such issues. Other types of issues one can easily go to imam and ask face to face but when it comes to personal matters privacy is the most important thing. Just think about if your wife has a question about her private life with you or you have a question would you guys go to counselors? It is very hard to do my friend ... Hence this forum

            By the way why think negative? More traffic suggests there are more and more people having these types of issues as no one is coming here for fun. They end up here as part of their search for something (unless subscribed that only a few are). Also, there are far more places for that on the Internet for fun why would someone come to forums? Think positively my friend. Thanks and God Bless!

          • Ok well we ALSO need to understand other important problems in the world.
            And I was speaking generally.

            As far as ppl that are depressed, suicidal, have trouble getting married, no one really finds there convos that interesting whereas these topics will go on forever.

            I myself am suffering from depression, and sumtimes I feel like that ppl will only answer things that one time and thats abt it? We shud be supportive to one another. I understand this sexual thing is concerning too but where are ppl supposed to go wen there tired and frustrated. Yes therapy and seeing a Dr. can only help so much.

            Im sorry but my support is always going to be towards those that are facing this degree of hardship. Sex isnt everything if ur having problems well then see a sex therapist. I guess once sumone experiences sumthing thats wen they know how it feels.

  15. I agree with Muhammad1982 on masturbation. There are different opinions on masturbation. The first post says that Allah will not look at one who masturbates. Where did this fact come from? There is nothing regarding masturbation in Islam that I have ever read and this fact has nothing to back it up. If masturbation isn't allowed then a person could be led into zina. Pornography is no doubt haraam but I can not agree with muslimboys post.

  16. Salam brothers and sisters

  17. Salam brother

    I will have to write on here basically I had a love marriage and been married for 7 years .i have two boys and after my second son was born my husband started working at a shisha place where he started coming home at 6 in the morning even at 8 . Well then he started sleeping in a separate bed and said he didn't feel to sleep with me no more . Then I got a phone call from a chines girl saying she's been sleeping with my husband for two years now since all this problem began . He still sleeps in the separte bed in another room .he gets ready after work and spends time out drinking and sleeping with other girls and has made my life hell .im still living with him because he was my first love and I'm very depressed I cry my self to sleep think he might change. I need help and ..! I tryed to look nice a bit more and cook good food and etc but I doesn't work he even pushed me away then I tried sleeping in the same bed with him he said he don't love me any more :(

  18. My husband still talks to her on the phone and meets up with her and come back home 6 morning that's like three times a week my sister husband even seen them kissing at one point behind where he works :(we haven't sleeped together for two years now and it's very hard . I just keep praying to be abit stronger but I'm not any more .

  19. I'm not getting any replys on here :(

  20. Sister sam,

    This is utterly disgracefull what your husband is doing! Astagfirrullah! But why are you praying to be strong? For what? To keep tolerating this abuse? Do you still want to have a relationship with him after he is openly refusing that he is not ibterested in you and do you want to risk catching aids? Hiv etc?

    He clearly wants to continue his sin. Men like that rearly change. You have to decide wheather you want to live with an adulterous husband or seek divorce from him and pray to Allah for a pius and loving husband.

    You can try getting family involved and naming and shaming him and giving him an ultimatum. If that doesn't work then the last resort is divorce.

    I totally understand how you feel sister. I have been through the same. These are also the measures i took before finally wanting out. You can't change someone unless THEY WANT to change themselves.

    So sorry sister, may Allah take away your pain and give you happiness.

    • Thank u sister sumaira
      I have told my family and iv gave him a altimatum but still that's not working . Iv asked him many times to move out but he didn't .
      Your very right about divorce

      Can I ask u if your happy with your life after what you have been throw ?

      • Sister Sam,

        Yes i was a total wreck after the divorce and was going insane, but Alhamdullilah i feel much better now. I do feel lonely sometimes especially wen kids r at school or in the night as i just have no adult in the house to talk to or cuddle up to. But then i think about what my hubby done to me and I know its better to be single then live with a monster!

        I wouldn't even enjoy talking to him anyway. It will just be arguements all day long! Then whats the point! At least now I only worry about me and my kids and I don't have a grown man to worry about!

        I feel at peace after a long time. But of course the experience has definitly shattered my faith in men. I don't think i could marry again. Or if i did i would be afraid to fall in love.

        Sister I am not telling you to divorce, the decision is yours. But I have learnt that no matter what you do or how hard you try if a person doesn not want to change you can't change him. Some women spend their whole life with an abusive husband hoping that oneday he will change.

        • Salam sister
          I feel like your situation was exactly the same as mine :(
          Was your a love marriage ? And how old r u now sister hope u don't mind me asking ?

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