Husband is never at home
Asalamu aleikum!
I have a problem with my husband. As im writing this its 22:00 and he's not at home. I know he is the head of the household, I shouldn't question him about it but I can't take it anymore. I hardly get to see him.
When he is out he spends time with his friends from dhuhr to 22:00-23:00. If I'm lucky he gets home at 21:30. This is making me very lonely. I asked him about it and he dismissed me by saying that if I want to spend time with him I can do it when he comes home at night.
But when he comes home I'm too tired to talk because it's late. We also have a soon to be three month old child. The thing is I don't go out during the day because we live on the third floor and I can't get out without his help because the baby carrier is too heavy for me to carry down the stairs by myself.
This situation has made me very depressed. He thinks I'm crazy for feeling like this. For feeling lonely despite being married. I feel like a single parent. Some things he said to me when I tried to talk to him were:
- "Is it the time of the month?"
-"your crazy"
- "your trying to ruin our marriage" etc etc.
Right now he's angry with me because I brought it up. I also have to add that he does not work so whenever he is out during the day and night it's not work related.
We also don't sleep in the same bedroom because according to him our baby's nightlight disturbs his sleep. I don't know what to do 🙁 As I'm writing this I feel tears running down my cheeks. I feel truly hopeless.
Can I get some advise on how I should handle this situation islamically?
LonelySis
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hmm.Well if he is a scholor understandable.If he is involved with tabligh ok but that doesnt mean he should neglect you. He has responsiblities as a muslim.When yor Iman is weak as a male speaking you go through stages like menopause.Guys go through moods too.So write a letter tell how you feel and be patient because the first few years you go through a very big test and some couples dont make it because there at eachothers throats so pray do zikr take up a hobby like knitting or something that you might know .Also make friends have sisters visit you.But most of all let him know and be patient and read quran daily .That will give you the peace of mind and tranquility and to solve problems through dua..but dont miss salah!!!
Why does your baby need a night light at age 3 months?
It has to be his idea to change, but women should be clever enough (and have sabr and tawqa of course) to facilitate the change without being too verbal about it. He's taken you for granted and since you're already married then it's easy to fix because you have some time. Just stop your world from revolving around his. You don't need him to take the baby carrier down, ask a neighbor or carry your baby in a sling. Get a hobby, like damco said or get some friends. It'll be hard at first, but it'll be beneficial for you. Part of your anxiety is that you're waiting at home more than half the day for him and when you wait intentionally then it seems like an eternity. Keep yourself busy and the time flies.
For example, I got into a fight with someone I am supposed to marry because he was always out after isha and it bothered me. We would get into it because "I'm telling him what to do" or "finding small things to argue about". He would be with other Muslims but it was always social and never beneficial in my perspective.
But he stopped doing that on his own when I started having a life of my own. I'd go with his sister or by myself and he started to notice. When I was spending time with his friend's wife he got really upset about it and confronted me. We had a big fight and he totally lost his temper and that made him realize he was being irrational and he told me he was going to tabligh for 40 days. Ma Sha Allah. He called me to ask me if I still wanted to marry him and asked me about any problems I had that we could fix.
What about the time between Fajr and dhuhr? What's going on during this time? Do you spend time together? Does he pray Fajr at the masjid? Why don't you make a plan to go out with him in advanced? Like to the park or the market or mall? Maybe just for ice cream?
The best thing you can do is true ALLAH and In Sha ALLAH everything will be alright. You should have patient and pray all the namaz
Sister
I think you should ask your father to talk to your husband and tell him about his responsibilities to you. Or maybe a local imam if you think that is better. It is the right of a wife to have mediation if her husband is not fulfilling his duty in marriage. Your husband should be made to see the errors of his ways. A husband should be a garment to his wife. He should fulfill her needs for intimacy. He should help around the house. The Prophet did chores in the house, he played with his wives and spent time with them. He also told us that the best men are those that are the best to their wives. It seems like your husband needs to be reminded about this. So my advice is have your wali or an imam speak to your husband.
May Allah bless your marriage.