Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband keeps cheating on me, how can I forgive him?

LIpstick mark on shirt.

Asalaam'alaikum, I married when I was 18 and now me and my husband have been married for four years. Just before our wedding, my husband physically cheated on me, he apologized, said it was stress due to his mothers alcoholism so I forgave him. However, throughout our marriage, whenever I went on a holiday to see my parents, I found that he spoke to women online etc, but I have forgiven him every time (4 times till now).

A year ago he got a job in Medina ( Saudi Arabia) and I have been with my parents waiting for my visa ever since. 2 months ago we went on a holiday to meet up and had an amazing time. When I came back, I found out he made another account and a dating web page where hes stated single etc. If that was not bad enough I found that he had been talking to girls on the phone for hours everyday when he would hardly call me or text me under the pretense of being very busy.

I spoke to this one girl who told me they have told each other they love one another, they have had web cam sex..an emotional affair for 2 months. After I confronted my husband, he apologised, told me he didn't love her and that the only reason he said he did was to initiate a sex conversation. He did this throughout Ramadhaan. I have forgiven him for the sake of Allah but I just cannot get over it this time.

I still don't live with him as we have visa issues and he expects me to forgive and forget and to carry on. At times I'm ok with him but my anger and thoughts resurface and I don't know what to do. Islamicaly is there such a thing as depression since he has repeated this and its been a pattern every time I go away..how can I forgive him and make him realize that he cannot run away from his reponsibilities anymore?

He doesnt go home to sleep because he feels lonely, he sleeps at work, or at a friends place. I love him..I have been with him since I was 14 but it was only after I married that I started practicing.

Please help!


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9 Responses »

  1. Walaikum salaam,,

    You want the bad news or the worse news? Because what I am going to say isn't going to be pretty.

    When he cheated on you before marriage, that should have been a huge warning sign. Not just because of what he did, but because of the way he excused it and blamed it on stress and his mother. It would have been easier for him to wait for nikkah or move up the date of your nikkah and share your love and intimacy. When he didn't do that, essentially he was saying, "I'm a selfish human being."

    The fact that he was using other women for webcam sex, when he had you is further proof that he was being selfish and disregarding you as a means to halal intimacy. When he lists himself as single, let's be honest, he's seeking sex from someone else. Webcam sex, phone sex or physical sex with someone else is the same thing, because it doesn't involve you, his wife. The fact that he did it through Ramadan also shows that he has little regard for the All Knowing.

    I'm not going into it too much, but the pattern is there of a man who puts his selfish lower desires above your rights as a wife. While instead he could have been with you: nurturing your relationship, having sexual intimacy and having a lot of fun. Imagine how strong your marriage would be if he had done that.

    So you have a choice to make and it comes down to this:

    You need to decide what you want from your marriage. You need to decide if you can accept what has happened, but there's another catch to it. You need to know if you can accept it happening again. Yes, that's the hardest part: realizing based on his pattern of behavior that he may do this to you again. That's the decision before you.

    You also have to decide if you can forgive him. This is your marriage, you know yourself better than me and you must seek guidance from Allah (swt). If you do decide this, you need to involve yourselves into some type of marriage counseling. He definitely has an avenue to fulfill his needs with you as his wife, so there's something else inside of himself that he needs to confront. This is up to you both.

    Some people may recommend a second marriage for him, but I don't believe that it will do anything to quell his lust. Right now, I think enjoys being unfaithful, to be honest.

    Value yourself, consider what you need and want, and most importantly what you will not tolerate anymore.

    In my experience, until you assess what you truly desire and demand from him without exceptions, this marriage will continue this way.

    • taking a second wife will not solve anything he can't even keep his first wife happy how is it going to help if he takes a second it might cause more problems in the marriage he needs to learn to control his lustful desires and take marriage more seriously!

  2. AA;

    As Professor X mentioned this is no easy situation. But I can hear that you love him, and you want to work things out. It also seems like he is trying to do things to stay away from his wrong doing which inshallah a good sign too. All in all, you two need more than just confrontations, and apologies. Counseling, planning, serious talk, etc. I hope you move in with him soon so you can start working together on these issues.

    May ALLAH guide you, grant you patience and shower you with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.

    AA

  3. you should ask him to get tested he could have an STI!

  4. (AN_NUR 24:03) The fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist, and none marries her except a fornicator or a polytheist, and that has been made unlawful to the believers.

    Many people from many cultures tend to encourage to have subr on such matter. well, this is not according to islam teaching because patience has its place NOT on every issue. Patience should be practiced on matters that are above our control for example your husband is ill, he does not have enough money, he can not have kids etc. BUt Subr on this matter is not right, your doing dhulma on your nafs. Because he is truely, evidently not a practice muslim by faith or ibadah. By keep eccepting this, there are probabilities you can destroy the khulq of your children. They will one day discover this and follow this role model.
    He is dirty and can not live with beliver untill he change. Live for the sake of Allah, there is NO such thing as stay for the sake of allah.

    Amna

    • i am in exactly the same situation and much worse.

      (I have deleted the rest of your very long comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

      • please le me see the non deleated version so that i can make a fresh post
        that was what i was trying to do when i was the deleted status
        it is not possible for me to re-write the horrendous story again
        i can copy paste it though.

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