Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband loves his best friend more than me

best friends puppies %photo

Question:

asalaam o alaikum

my husband gives me hard time. problem is that he has a very close friend. He likes him lot and tries to provide him every thing. All the time he thinking about him he says me to take care of him and cook food for him when I say no then he fight with me.

He tells a lie lot he likes to spend much time with him. He tries to send me to my parents home or my cousions home to find some time to spend with him. I dont understand what kind of relation is this.

whenever I say some thing he say my friend is more important than all relations. He says if you dont like then you will go. He says do not ask any thing about my friend. I will give u divorce.

plz tell me what can I do my brain is blasting.

- hina

Wael's Answer:

Dear Hina, wa alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,

Your question raises more questions, and without answers it's hard for me to know what's going on.

One important question I have is, why are you hostile toward your husband's friend? Has he behaved improperly with you? Has he insulted you, or put his hands on you? Is he a bad influence on your husband? Does he bring alcohol or drugs to the house?

If any of these things are true then I understand your hostility toward him. But if not, then maybe you are being unreasonable. Everyone needs friends.

For example, I have a lifelong friend, I'll call him Jafar. He has been my friend since we were in secondary school many years ago. He's a good man, religious and humble, and he really stuck by me when I went through some difficult times. Friends like that are hard to find. Now suppose I get married and my wife is jealous of my friendships, and she says things like, "Don't bring him Jafar the house, if you bring him to dinner I won't cook. Why do you need to spend time with him?"

In that case I might tell my wife, "He's been my friend for thirty years and I'm not going to stop my friendship with him. If you don't like it then why don't you leave the house when he comes and go to your mother or sister's house for a few hours." Or maybe instead of bringing him to the house I would go out to dinner or a coffee shop, or the masjid, or something like that. But really, I would find it very awkward and strange not to be able to invite my best friend to my home.

Another question is, how many days per week does your husband see his friend? If it's one or two days then I see no problem. Three days is on the borderline. More than that is unreasonable for a family man.

So if the friend wants to come visit a couple of nights a week, let him. Be gracious to him, cook food as your husband asks you to. That way there is no need to fight, and no need to leave the house.

However...

If you are kind and gracious with your husband's friend and your husband still insists that you leave the house and don't ask questions, then there is something strange going on and your husband is keeping a secret. Here are some possibilities that I see:

  • Your husband and his friend are drinking or using drugs together.
  • Your husband and his friend have a homosexual relationship of some kind.

There's no way for me to know. You must observe your husband's behavior after he has spent time with his friend, and be wary for any signs of strange behavior.

I know that I have given you more questions than answers. You will have to consider everything I have said here and try to determine whether you are the one who needs to change, or your husband, or both of you.

Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor


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10 Responses »

  1. Dear sister

    Simple solution u to pretend to love his friend more than him this could create some difference between them

    Sorry if im wrong

    • And then he will think she's cheating with him, and the marriage and the friendship will all be destroyed. May I ask how old you are? Because you have been giving some bizarre suggestions on this website.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalam u alikum Hina,

    Life is a bestowed gift if everything you assumed actually happen in reality. But it rarely does so. I can understand gravity of your situation because i had similar kind of experience. May be this is more about the confinment your husband feels in his friend and he is not yet ready to share that special bondage with you. If you are newly married this would have been really hard on you. What you can do is to ofcourse Pray at first place secondly you can share with him some materials regarding husband wife relationship. it can be a good movie, a good walk down the road just to observe elderly couple that how they treat eachother or you can start idealizing some happily married couple in your family infront of him. This all may not be helpful yet you will be giving him no choice to actually tell you why this husband -friend relationship is more imp than husband -wife relationship or if he is a sensible man he will comeback to you as a good life partner. This will help you in getting to right decision for your future life.

  3. I SEE.... but i wonder if you do see that too? its pretty obvious to me just reading from your post that your husband is a GAY.... ! he told you he will divorce you and even says you to leave co'z he does not care. Do u really want to stay with this man? someone who has no respect and in my view no love for you? Face the reality.... and leave him .. get out. this is abuse, he is abusing you and probably using you as an image to say he's straight to the world, yet you know he is not.
    Women needs to be desired and treated like a lady..... and if your man is not doing that.... Get out...save yourself and don't wait for some miracle to happen. its not your fault, these type of people never change. they have perfected the art of abuse and choice is yours... actualy. wether you want to say as a victim or take up a stand for your life.
    HAVE COURAGE... AND FAITH. BE STRONG.

  4. Salams,

    first of all, we don't have the right to call anybody gay here, that's tohmat, we need 4 witnesses to prove

    that. And secondly, I think it is natural that your husband wants to spend time with a friend. Maybe they

    could have some friend's evening for themselves, my husband calls it guys-evening, where they sit, talk

    and discuss problems. It is important that we socialize and have friends. However, there could be friends

    who have some bad influence on us- I admit that. But you need proof for this. Your husband doesn't have

    the right to throw you out of the home-no. If he wants to spend time with his friend, he doesn't have the

    right to throw his wife out. Or send her somewhere else. This is your home and he has to treat you with

    dignity and respect. If he has a homosexual affair, he would go to a hotel or hide it from you. This way

    you would become suspicious- it would be too obvious. Sorry, I personally think they share a secret-

    but not a sexual one. Moreover, I believe that in Islam, nobody in Islam should be closer to you than your

    spouse. I respect the fact that some people are obsessed with friends. But if there is anybody out there

    who is closer to you than your spouse- there's something wrong in the relationship.

    Wasalam

  5. Salaam Hina,
    I'm sorry but I think u already suspect the truth. I
    Your husbands relationship with his friend sounds very suspicious. If u r his wife, u r his partner and should come first. For another man to fill this position in ur husbands life is unfair and not normal. Perhaps u should suggest leaving ur husband if this is what he feels, because if he really is gay, he may try to offer u a solution.

    Have u blatantly asked him if he is gay? Maybe discuss with him your suspicions.

    Yes, everyone needs friend but this is very strange. People who say it sounds normal may have the same feelings as your husband.

    Good luck to you. Allahs blessings be upon you.

  6. salaam be upon you.

    what a strange situation.

    FIRST OF ALL, why does your husband bring a friend into the house where his women [wife&daughters] are staying in, for so long that it botheres you?

    i mean the prophet[saww] used to bring his companions into his house, but they would only stay for a meal or so and would not wait while its cooking, nor wait to chat after they finish as ordered in suurah Ahzaab.
    they would come for a meal along with the prophet[saww] and leave after the meal straight away, WITHOUT seeing any of the wives.

    inform your husband that his way is not the sunnah and that it is bothering you.

  7. i married my husband out of 14years of friendship, when we married he was in company of white friends. after talking to him and convincing him he left him. i didnot like this friend as he sniffed cocaine and when my husband opened up he mentioned he used to also do it with him(sniff)
    whenever we had an argument at home my husband would leave and phone this white friend, he used to come and take him with him. he used to stay with him after 3weeks come back. this used to go on all the time. his family never wanted him, he smokes dagga. my kids from my previous marriage was almost taken away from me as he used to get violent, break doors and windows to come into the house.
    problems went on all the time until a month ago he stood to stab my son, we fought as usual he ran away to white friend. he phnd me to ask for maaf and wanted his marriage again.
    my family was totally against him and wanted me to leave him, i just could not as im so much in love with him. him living in pretoria and me in lenasia how is this marriage going to work. eid we spent together, wen he phoned i asked him to come take us for a weekend as i and kids misssed him, then realised what am i doing hes living with his friend, the friend that was always a problem in our marriage i then refused to go with him. i phoned and asked him r you coming to us for good as i dnt want tohear of this friend he refused to come saying he dnt have aplace to sleep, it was then i insisted your friend or me decide or give me a divorce, he came all the way with this friend went ton enemy woman, made her sign as witness for talaaq and divorced me. this tore me apart as i truly loved him. next day he wants marriage to work even if it means converting his friend to muslim i must marry him, sleep next to him on the same bed and his friend must talaaq me for me to remarry him.
    im totally hurt, disgusted, as when he tries to phn me all i remember is the hurt, pain, disgrace and breaking my trust, above all he talaaqd me for a nasara.................

  8. Hello my name is CoonG and Im a newly wed. A couple months ago my husband had went out with his friend witch is a girl that i am not to fond about. WELL this is how it started. I was at work when he told me he was going out so i was fine with it. By the time i got off he was not home i called him and he stated to me he was still out i asked him with who and he told me with the girl so of course i gotten mad. I asked when is he coming home and he told me in the next hour he didnt sound very clear to me so i asked if hes been drinking and he said yea so i got mad at that too. an hour passed he still didnt come home yet so it was about 1:00am. so cut the story short my husband did not come home until 10:00am the next morning. his response to me that night he was gone was we are too drunk too drive home but yet your friend drove you too her brother house and this happend 3 time in the row. i need some advice please. did my husband cheat on me?

    • CoonG

      You need to log in and submit your question as a separate post. But in short, your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. Is he cheating? We cannot answer that for you when we are not aware of all the details, however you on the other hand have the situation in front of you and so should be better able to assess.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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