Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband masturbates, can I divorce him?

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Asslamu o'alaikum,

I am both a newlywed and a recent convert. I am married to a muslim man who is 9 years older than myself. He has a long history of sexual frustration and finding his release in masturbation - cybersex, phone sex, images, videos, even from comic books and cartoon images.

Before we married, he would hesitate to ask for my hand because he wanted to talk with other women, maybe even get a chance to kiss them or receive oral sex from them. This he never actually managed, because he is unable to attract western, American women.

I agreed to marry him because I thought I had him promise me he would stop this behavior. Although he has stopped actively flirting with women online and mentally attacking my physical appearance and dress, he has not controlled his masturbation problem.

He will, when I am not at home, sleeping or just in a different room search for pornographic images online. I just came to learn that he has even masturbated to women's pictures on Facebook. This last fact is so oppressive that I find myself crying on a daily basis. Although I confronted him on the subject, he only admits that it is wrong to masturbate to facebook pictures because it is disrespectful to the women and it is sheer objectification.

He does not see it as a transgression to his wife. In fact, he feels entitled to his feelings of attraction because it is biology. He always tells me, "This and that are different and it is not a competition." He also argues that has he known how strongly I felt about the subject, he would not have done it, but I remember weeping countless times over the subject before we even married.

In fact, I now wear hijab, so how can he not see what my values are? I told him that I was thinking of divorce. He was upset and basically guilted me and bullied me into not taking any action, and swore to stop his habit. He also added that he is unable to stop anything "cold-turkey," and that it is my job to try and help him, not become angry with him because that is unislamic.

I am at a loss and do not know what to do? What should a good muslim wife do? I don't believe that he will ever stop, and he is unwilling to get professional help. This isn't something he does once in a while, but frequently, compulsively. I pray that my disgust and resentment will be taken away, but I can't see this man as a good husband. Do I have grounds for divorce? I feel that I was given an entirely different image before marriage, that I was promised that this behavior and sin would end. Please help me.

- meepbeep


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49 Responses »

  1. I feel for you sis been on that place, I am sorry don't have any comment as I also would like to know the answer

    Hug
    may Allah SWT makes ease and guide the heart

    • oh! sis may ALLAH forgive him and show him the right bath, and may ALLAH give him a wide knwoledge so that he can totally change his bihervier and (PRAY FOR HIM) each and every time

    • assalamu alaikum Sister,
      I am also a convert alhamdulallah and trust me when I say that I KNOW what your feeling! I am (have been going through this and more. I am now married eleven years to my current husband and he married me with false information, after our marriage I discovered he was married and with daughter in his homeland. I specifically stated that poligamy was not my cup of tea and asked for divorice and told him to go back to his wife and daughter. He said no and he would divorice her and once she knew he married me she would divorice.
      I was prviously married before him and so when I went looking for another husband(muslim) because my family r all christian and could not help me, I found him religous and honest and everything a women would want.Just to discover AFTER marriage about the other wife (I did not know until after we were married).
      So, long story short, he swore to never marry on me, take care of me,never to lie etc.......
      Now throughthe years he has cheated(canot prove it cause he always lies ) but womens emails,phone numbers, porno in camera,porno on dvd's,his computer is a secret and his mobile forbidden to look at(always in his pocket) found a picture of him and a women(he says working with photoshop) he always outside never home, always travels alone (not with me or kids) mind u we have four children(all unplanned except for the first) and yes I was on the pill! Allah chose this. used to wear a beard and now keeps it shaved,clothes missing and many more details (you figure it out?)
      In the last two years he was 7 monhts in jail(big story) got out went to marocco 1 month,came back we had no contact,last year we only slept togwether twice, I have fought for a divorice and told him I dont believe him because he always lies, doent keep his promises or his word,he does not give me my rights as a wife etc......
      YES....I take care of my house,cook,clean,work, and every night shower and make-up waiting him to show up at any late hour of the night just to watch aljazeera or sit on computer and tell me its work!! I am tired of work as an excuse he is self centered and I have become a very angry person with him and our relationship is violant.
      The problem.....I no longer live in America, I moved with him here in europe and I have no legal residents, I am waiting a right to live here and he will not let me take my children home, he uses them as a weapon(knows I wont leave without them) he took passports of my children from me, every two days he says he going to the market for the shop(hello??) when he comes home he doesnt even say assalamu alaikum, doesnt take care of himself around me at home, but cleans up when going outside??
      I have called a sheik and asked for divorice and currently waiting him to call my husband and tell him. I do not know what I can do if he wont divorice me because I am in great need of companionship and emotional security and physical affection.
      But I feel this way, it is better for me to go through my second divorice then for my children to live with a mother who is always crying or angry(yes my second marriage) I have 8 children between the two(four oldest r adults) I am 38 years old and married twice to muslim men one from Palestine and the other now is from Tunisa(and he is threatening to take my children there to live(and in Tunisia the children can only leave with the fathers permission) so, I am also alone in europe with no mother,father, brother or sisters, four of my children live in america because when I came to europe they could not study here without a legal papers.
      So, I have been patient and kept forgiving him and trying to start white pages, but he has damaged my life and I have become weaker in my deen instead of stronger and this marriage is NOT worth going to hell fire, enshallah I pray for Paradise!
      I pray enshallah that Allah(SWT) give you strength and peace and you know what is best for you, but as the man has his rights ,so do we as wives!

      • Sister,l am living the same kind of nightmare; too complicated to tell the whole story and would consume too much of my power. Married 7 years civilly, then he divorced me through the courts and refused to divorce me Islamically. Don't get me wrong, the only reason things are so complicated is because I love this man. Almost 10 months ago, while we were reconcilling to get back together for our sake and the sake of our two girls 8 & 5, he secretly married a woman from Egypt and after 2 days of calling her the babysitter, he slept with her in a bed under my girls bunkbed. I called DYFS they did nothing! My kids are in couselling for 7 months now and I am in counselling and suffered great depression. I tried at least 10 different Sheiks for help and get nowhere. So much more I could say, but I'm tired of reliving this nightmare. I wonder where it will all end.

        • Kim,

          I am very sorry for what you are going through at the hands of your husband. A woman can also divorce her husband, there is a system to follow, but I would advise you to seek a good qualified Imam to help you through this. They will cover all angles of mediation, contact, counselling etc. May Allah relieve your pain and grant you and your daughters with peace, happiness and eemaan and forgive your husband for his behaviour.

          If you have any questions, please log in and submit them as a separate post.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Subhanallah sister you're very strong person may allah bless you with happiness you deserve it

  2. Salamu Aleikum Sister,

    I can understand your desperation and how you feel at the moment. As women, we need to feel

    confirmed by our husbands and should do our best to look attractive. The husband, in return, has to

    lower his gaze and should only have eyes for his wife, the one and only. Objectively, there are

    always people out there who may look more"attractive", but those looks and feelings must

    be saved for the holy institution of marriage. Therefore, Islam encourages early marriage in order

    to avoid sexual frustration. I got married at 16 and I think many parents make the mistake and don't

    allow their children to get married at an early age. The consequence: A generation of sexually frustrated

    people, especially men. Your husband, I'm sorry sister, is a fasigh. He has access to a wife, he chose u

    from what you have written, he insulted your looks( this is a reason for divorce). Why did he marry you

    if he didn't like your looks or why does he limit the value of women to their physical appearance?

    He , as your husband, has to conceal your faults, accept your shortcomings and he's not allowed to

    offend you. Masturbation is a sin, even for an unmarried person.

    Sister, think or your future and the future of your children. There has to be an Islamic fundament in a

    relationship. If your husband transgresses the Shariah, where is the fundament? Is a masturbating

    family father who downloads pictures from the Internet and has insulted your looks a good

    father for your children? The only valid criterion for marriage in Islam is faith and you, my sister,

    haven't chosen your husband for faith. Sexual frustration may exist before the marriage, but not

    in the marriage. Sister, ask yourself the question: Do I sleep with him? Do I fulfil his desires? Do I look

    after myself? If the answer to those questions is yes, then divorce him, not only for the sake of your

    future, but also for the sake of your children. No married man who has sex with his wife is allowed

    to talk about frustration...... That's ridiculous. Sister, flirting with non-mahrams, astaghfirullah!!!!!!!!!

    Has he gone mad? Or did you go mad when you married him? Flirting with the opposite sex is haram

    haram haram!!!! He didn't have success with American women? He should only have success with

    his own wife!!!! The prophet said: Look at the person you want to marry. For if he or she has a trait you

    may dislike before marriage, they are not gonna lose it after the marriage. If we follow the Sunnah

    appropriately, we will have the most successful marriages on this planet. Sister, file for divorce and

    just do it.Don't discuss with this masturbating fasigh!!!! Do it and choose a husband with Islamic

    marriage criteria.......... I wish you good luck you are young , Insha allah your gonna find a man who

    treats you the way you deserve it!!!!!

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    hey how are you? hope you are doin well. i would also like to welcome you to the path of islam. ok sis after readin this i can understand how you feel. how could a man masturbate over an image on the net when he has a wife at his side. i personally think you should divorce him.

    sis if you wanna help him i suggest you put a parental lock on the internet so he cant browse filthy sites.
    that can be the first step, also does he pray all his salaah? how bout read quran? if not you could help him
    to come close to his deen. inshallah

    in islam if the man aint givin his wife rights, then its permissable to seek divorce. if he truly loved you, he would have never brought tears to your eyes.

    sis theres plenty of good brothers out there who will take care of you.

    hope things workout for you...........

    ma salama

  4. Salaams Sister,

    You made a wondeful life changing decision and became a Muslim Masha'Allah. I recommend however that you divorce your deviant husband. He is consumed with his own perverted desires and distorting things to excuse his own filthy behaviour and expecting you to tolerate it. It is rather disturbing that someone can be that blatent and not feel an ounce of shame. instead he has the audacity to make you feel that you are being wrong in not understanding him. He is not entitled to behave in this disgusting manner!

    I hope you don't have children together, just get out of this awful relationship. The unfortunate thing is that you were given a hint of his perverse nature before you were married to him. How can a person hold off a proposal in order to play around?

    There is lots of advice on this site in response to various questions regarding the correct criteria for choosing a suitable spouse. You can start again Insha'Allah.

    Take care,

    Hopeful

  5. Salaam my sister,

    I am sorry that you are having to deal with this terrible burden of a lecherous husband.

    Much of what I would say has already been said, so I shan't repeat it - however, I need to be strong and firm on one certain point which is: do not get confused about what you know is right and what you know is wrong.

    A lot of people, when they do something wrong - use religious or some other guilt to quash your reaction, and make you behave in a different way - accept something you cannot accept, be quiet when you want to speak and so on and so forth and this will lead you to confusion. It is true that one must strive to be a good wife, but you cannot obey a deviant husband - and you cannot balance obedience with disgust in harmony.

    What he is doing is unIslamic, unacceptable and he is being very ignorant about his actions. It is not wrong of you to dislike it, be disgusted with it, press for change or leave him as a result of it.

    Habits which are not defeated only get stronger and more powerful. He must accept responsibility and admit he has a problem and he must get help for it. Otherwise, his self control levels will simply deteriorate over time.

    Men are people, just like women are. Yes, they have different bodies and they may even have different needs - but they still have a brain, a decision making process, a set of morals and a way of being. Their bodies do not control them and they are highly capable of being good people so don't ever accept that he does this "because he is a man and that is how men are". No. To think this is actually a massive disrespect to men and their abilities - because it is reducing them to mere testosterone when historically, there have been many good men, many pious men, men who can control themselves, men who lead wars, men who change history. The foundations of our very religion was built by good men.

    Do not ever question yourself when what you can see and hear is as true as true gets and resist being manipulated into behaving in any other way than what is appropriate. Do not take responsibility for his actions - his actions are the result of him and the way that he is and it doesn't matter how good looking, intelligent, good or bad you are: he will be this way with any woman because he has a problem.

    You don't need this kind of heartache and pain in your life my sister. There are good men in this world.

    You have ample grounds for divorce. I recommend that you go for it.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • sister Leyla its a good point I get it now as I have had in her place and been on crazy mind.
      I am waiting for your response at my email sis :-)

  6. Does he recognize that what he is doing is sinful? This is the first step, to make him realize that what he is doing is displeasing to Allah. Whether you do it yourself, or get a suitable Muslim counsellor involved, it should emphasized that what he is doing is displeasing to Allah (as opposed to emphaszing that it is displeasing to you). If he understands this and wants to change, there is hope.

  7. Salam Sister

    Congratulations on choosing the rightful path in life and as everyone else I strongly recommend to get a divorce and get it now before you have children and things can get more complicated. My ex had the same problem but this problem was not the sole problem and it was indeed an indication to other problems in his personality which later in marriage I discovered. To start with he lives in a fanstasy world he is not really there with you, you mentioned he "bullied you" and he seems to be slowly brain washing you to believe what he wants you to believe. He seems like a very controlling man with high sense of entitlement and no empathy. Very common charasteristics for abusive men, specially abusive narccissts. You might be saying but he never lay a finger on me..well abuse take many forms, emotional, spiritual, verbal, financial and physical. If physcial abuse is not present yet I could clearly see from your e-mail that this will eventually happen if you give in to all his requests and he weakens you to the point that you will loose yourself and self worth. I could see many red flags in your letter and I strongly advise you to read some books on escaping an emotionally abusive relationships, as with such a man civil negotiation over divorce will never be an option as it might escalate and you might find yourself in a position that you would not like to be in. A good website is http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com I bought a book called "strategies For Escaping Emotional Abuse" which I found extremely good and I always recommend to people going through such circumstances.

    I have left my husband three months ago, I have two children and it was extremely hard as it was a love marriage. Now and with every new sunrise I just discovered that life is so great without him and I am living the best days of my life and I am catching up with the 9 lost years of my life. Divorce even though is not favoured in Islam, somtimes it is the best option and is the most merciful one and I think this applies to your case as well as mine. The children are dearly missing their dad but he decided not to have any contact with them and this is a payback for me leaving him and maybe an attempt to force me back. I hope you don't have children with him as this is the hardest thing to deal with and they get punished for immature adult behaviours.

    PACK YOUR BAGS AND RUN..RUN AWAY GIRL..RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER EVER LOOK BACK HE IS NOT WORTH IT!

    My heart goes to you, I will pray for Allah to protect you and guide you to the right path.

    Peace

  8. Salaam All,

    I want to thank you all for your responses. Unfortunately, I was unable to respond sooner. I must say, I was able to have my husband admit his wrongdoings. It took my standing at the door with packed bags and days of discussions and crying. He has begun to change, force himself to control his impulses and his addictive behavior.

    There are still some problems, and I am still at a loss as to the stability of my marriage. I agree that I should not have children as of yet, but I do not want to give up on my husband. I feel that if I were to leave him he would never be able to lift his problems and sins.

    I can not say that my husband has stopped masterbating, but he has stopped looking at pornographic images and videos. I worry sometimes that he may be doing it secretly, but I don't let it change how I act with him. The thing is, he hardly has any sex with me. We average once a month. I know that it is partly because he is a (please forgive my frankness) pre-mature ejaculator, and feels too much pressure. But I do not know what I am doing wrong: I place no pressure. I never complain, I never make a face, I always smile and just enjoy the closeness. Whenever he mentions his feelings of inadequacy, I only encourage him. Sex is new, how can we both be masters?

    It has gotten to the point where I am too afraid to even initiate an intimate moment because I am always rejected. I do not even feel satisfied with his kisses. I feel sexually frustrated. I'm starting to imagine that I am experiences what he went through in the past. In order to keep myself from being too focused on my sexual needs I have begun working out. It helps.

    I feel like he is showing me his displeasure at me. I was open to him about my unhappiness, about my displeasure at his behavior - maybe this is spite, albeit sunbonciously. He says that he cannot lay in bed with someone who does not share their feelings with him. I don't understad how he can say that. He sees the displeasure in my face sometimes and I guess that has gotten to him. But how can I be happy when he refuses to wake up at a decent time and work, stays up until 6 am randomly online, reads comic books at age 32 and has his entire family frustrated at his failures. While my husband may be an aspiring actor, he does not believe that he needs a day job, even knowing that his family home is under foreclosure. He says that he cannot work a job. I believe it. I think he needs professional help. I can't get him to see a therapist.

    I am now having this problem: I don't know how much is okay for me to give and sacrifice. I want to help him, but it is getting to the point where it is hurting me and I am afraid that now that I have begun working on myself, that he will only become a burden. I do not have a husband who supports me financially, really his mother does. He won't work, he just waits around for that magically acting job to come. I, however, finally have a job interview this Friday, and inshallah will be able to provide for his mother financially in return for all her love and kindness. What do I do?

    • Hello
      Wow you seem very determined to fix things up. Tell you the truth most muslims would have given up on him by now. I think so anyways but well-done:).,.. good for you your still trying like some married couples do. I think if you feel comfortable to set him straight talk to him and let it all out so he knows how you feel and if you dont like his reaction I think it still depends on your feelings....:((( true? only because it seems your the one sacraficing so it'll be u hurt again more then him, its like that with everyone:((( .... I think tell him your plans and what you'll do if he's still the same in 2 days that way he'll be like , what da hell? it might snap him out from few things... if his not religious even if he is muslim he wont care what you say bout the religion, its like any other religions...e.g christian buddhist..et.c.. some are religious and some are not so much even if they follow some ways of it some still dont follow all the way so it wont really matter to him if your approaching him with a religious point of view. Seriously from what I read his not very religious, but hey Im not so religious too ... He might even find it irritating if your constantly talking to him bout the religion but all these questions should be answered by you. How do you feel about everything. Will he be a good father role model for your kids? Don't let him ruin it for you. Search things up yourself and come to a logical answer for yourself. Don't let others translate things for you and kinda force you to make the wrong choice.... It'll be you whos sorry at the end. WIshing you best of luck

      Star

      • I've been there, done that and insisted for 9 years to fix my problems, the feeling of insecurity with the marriage destroyed me. I had lots of advise but I never listened I was so much in love with my ex that I didn't want to let go. Now I feel like I wasted 9 years of my life, after seeing him yesterday in a mediation session I went back home and told my brother how rigid and difficult this person was and I admired myself for putting up with him for that long, my brother replied back and said "he has always been like that but only now you started to see what everyone else is seeing". May Allah be with you and open your heart and eyes and guide you to the right path. Look around you and see how people have healthy relationships and live reality not your dreams of fixing things. Divorce is tough and I would not recommended unless it is the last choice. It has been 5 mpnths since my divorce and Allah is blessing me day after day elhamdolelah. My advise is do not have children, kids don't deserve to be brought up in destructive houses and they deserve a good father and a stable life.

        Best wished.

    • Assalam-o-Alaikum,
      Sister "meepbeep", reading your post reminded me of this aayah,

      "It has been made permissible for you the night preceding fasting to go to your wives [for sexual relations]. They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them. Allah knows that you used to deceive yourselves, so He accepted your repentance and forgave you. So now, have relations with them and seek that which Allah has decreed for you. And eat and drink until the white thread of dawn becomes distinct to you from the black thread [of night]. Then complete the fast until the sunset. And do not have relations with them as long as you are staying for worship in the mosques. These are the limits [set by] Allah , so do not approach them. Thus does Allah make clear His ordinances to the people that they may become righteous." Quran[2:187]

      May Allah guide us all.

      regards,

    • PLEASE STOP EXPOSING YOUR HUSBAND!
      MashAllah you have tried and you are trying.
      InshAllah you will be rewarded.
      This blog is wrong and haram.
      You are not guarding your husband. Divorse should be the last resort, you should be working with your husband. you exposing him as you have done is very wrong. What do you think
      Would happen if he saw this blog. You'd break his heart. Please control yourself and help him control himself. I don't mean to be harsh but what your doing its near enough as bad.
      I was searching to see if masturbation was haram and somehow I've reached this page and started reading. NOW CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE SEARCHES THE NET FOR SOMETHING SIMILAR BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS TO CHANGE AND SEES THIS. ITS VERY WRONG.
      INSHALLAH YOU WILL BE REWARDED FOR YOUR EFFORT. PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED. I AM SORRY YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE. BUT PLEASE STOP EXPOSING YOUR HUSBAND. Please forgive me if I have offended you. I mean no harm. InshAllah things work out for you. I'll not see this blog ahas yin. Asalamualiakum
      BE VERY HONEST WITH HIM.
      YOU ARE HIS WEAKNESS BECOME HIS STRENGTH.
      BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN.

  9. Selam sister

    Your such a patient person - but one thing I must say its a mans responsibility to provide for woman

    Are you crazy to work and provide for him?

    ITs his bloody role to provide for you !!!

    Womans job to look after the children - I honeslty think he is holding on to false hopes - and to be honest I honestly dont think he cares about you - he cries so what? if he really gave a toss he would get out actively search for a job - nobody likes to work but thats just tough its life

    Now if he cant even do that then to be honest I still cant work out why your with him - this isnt good for your future with children - honestly at the moment as it stands do not have children with him!!!!! Because if he does not change i.e. his displeasure etc then you and your children will suffer - I say divorce him and go get yourself another decent brother who will look after you -

    You can support him as a friend but I think your crazy for even still being with him - you are a good muslim sister your values you know but he doesnt seem to understand values - why are you still with him?

    ITs his responsibility to look after his mom not yours - what he is doing is against islam - your just being silly if your working when clearly islam says man must provide for woman even if woman is rich and man is poor its still mans job to work....and finally it comes down to fulfulling each others needs now if he cant even be happy when having sex with you - then what does that tell you about him exactly? Yeah am sure you can guess - why are you wasting away precious tear away? You should divorce and go get a good husband - if you had done this by now am sure you would have been way happier - but I respect your patience

    but at the same time - just because he starts to cry when your about to walk out the door - dont let his crying that he will change esp when he doesnt - make you come back to him - its an act of emotional manipulation in some ways i guess - he should be crying and dying to have sex with you!!!! - but to be honest I think your just wasting your time on this guy and if you continue your going to suffer unnecessary - think to yourself - its like choosing to walk into a dark room when there is clearly the choice to walk through the room with light!!!

    I feel that he doesnt understand your values - and if he was really islamic then I dont think you would have any problems - it annoys me how he doesnt even appreciate your values that makes me so angry sister i feel that he just taking the piss out of you no offence to you - your so respectable and good yet he is just a I just wanna swear but i cant obv - i would divorce him if i was you - why you letting him disrespect your values emotionally? He aint going to understand untill you leave him and move on - sometimes divorce is a mercy in disguise from Allah (S.A.W) some people change after divorce - and to be honest sister on the day of judgement your going to be asked alone from Allah S.A.W not your husband with you or not he with you etc so i know you care but if you think he is going to provide and continue masterbation esp when he married i think yoru going to suffer for no damn reason - and i think you should too and dont listen to ""oh i will stop!!!" - he needs to get advice from counsellor - but sitting around waiting for an acting job? holding on to false hopes here esp when he aint actively looking and isnt acting altogether haram? this depends though- are you crazy to be with someone like this? How on earth he going to provide for your children? if he doesnt work and your working thats dangerous and totally against islam.....and dont listen to his patter of oh im a man etc so what? your a woman and you have rights and needs!!! and he is committing a sin by not pleasing you sexually , financially etc if he doesnt realise this then thats so wrong - and I think you shouldnt be holding onto false hopes yourself and prepare to move on if he persists - think about your future and children - he can masterbate but cant work? I knwo you wanna help him but help yourself first!!!!!!! Pleas think about your future and children....which i would not have at all with this man.....wake up please....before its too late....

    Now make a choice and dont look back if he doesnt change -do you want to walk in to the dark room - or you want to change your life get rid of him and walk through the light room where you can see?

  10. Seduce you husband and enjoy halal sex with him. That's many of us Muslims are violent because of sexual frustration, yet these selfish Muslimahs will never understand, sex is the only solution to this problem. I don't mean sex once a month, I mean sex every single day. Learn to enjoy sex with one you are married to and it's halal to love it when you're married.

    • You definitely need to get married, bro. However, I do not agree that lack of sex is an excuse for violence. There are halal outlets for that energy, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I wish my parents & people around me would understand me when it comes to sexual frustration. I don't have a job that's why alot of Muslim fathers wouldn't lend their daughter to me. I'm a 21 yr old university student, who's always been sexually frustrated ever since I've come to the west. I hate it when people around me esp. even both my muslim or non-muslim friends have beautiful girlfriends/wives. Which makes me want to resort to listen to violent music and watch violent movies as a stress reliever, because I want to avoid masturbation, pornography, and romantic music(since it makes me want to wish for woman too much). I've been through alot of shit in my life and want to question Allah, where were you when I needed you. I wish Allah never put those sexual hormones within me that erupt like a bloody volcano. I've been beaten up by kids in school because I'm physically weak, and I've been ignored by women because I'm not rich enough or don't have the looks that they go for. I don't know if Allah's blessing is upon me or Allah's curse. I want help but offcourse todays Muslims are selfish. They won't help you unless you give them money. They give advice to fast, but fasting didn't help me avoiding watching some porn and masturbate. Ask any Muslim man with a good looking daughter and good iman daughter now, would he give his daughter to me for marriage? Offcourse the answer is no. During the great Prophets time, poor Muslim men go to marry rich Muslima women. But now all poor Muslim men are nothing but oppressed with loneliness and sexual frustration. Why Allah? Why is your lainat upon me?

        • As salamu alaykum Mujahid,

          Be sure men around you, understands you, they had, have and will have the same needs and impulses you have. You are not different from the others, you are a 21 years old university student, dealing with lots of energy (anger, frustration, ....) that needs to be focused, insha´Allah.

          I understand the intensity of your feelings and you need tools right now to improve your quality of life.

          First of all, you need to accept yourself, and that means accept, respect and love who you are(poor and weak were your words, let me tell you something about this, you are studying at the University, do you realized how fortunate you are just for the fact of being studying? and related to your shape, that can be changed, everytime you need to complain about anything instead choose to walk for 40 minutes or do some stretching and after some weight lift), you may need to put your pride on a side and ask Allah(swt) for help and guidance, yes He is for you even when you cannot appreciate it, alhamdulillah.

          ´Fast when you have to, but the rest of the time eat following a timetable if you can, and eat healthy meals to improve the quality of your blood. Eating well and exercising will give you the quality of blood you need to improve your thoughts and your life. This will make a difference for you and for everybody around you. Keep taking care of yourself everyday, you need to be conscious that you can make a change in your Life, and it is your choice to do it, alhamdulillah.

          Related to masturbation, that is energy of life, creative energy, you need to move that energy in other direction until you are ready to get married, have you ever thought about learning martial arts, they will teach you to breath from your belly and to direct all that energy, ... I will give you a couple of ideas, building, drawing, writing,... anything that brings a smile to your Heart.

          Wael answered a question related to weight yesterday, he gives good advices and a couple of pages where you can watch some exercises.

          I am going to tell you something that you should listen carefully if you want, a man worth what his Heart value, be the man your woman would dream of and that means be your best, be the one that you were called to be in this world, build yourself as the man full of values that you may turn your head to watch pass by, study the Prophets´s(pbuh) life, gain in respect for you and for the others, then everything will come along at the right time, insha´Allah.

          I see the diamond inside of yourself, you are seeing the carbon, it is in your hand to give it shape until you become the diamond you are called to be, insha´Allah.

          When someone shouts the way you have done to be listened talks about an extremely sensitive vulnerable Heart, may Allah(swt) guide your steps to the Straight Path where you will find Peace, Respect, Forgiveness, Compasion, and all the Love you need to heal your Heart, insha´Allah.

          Remember something, the richest of the men will be those who are the most loved and respected, which Hearts shines as suns, and everybody wants to be close to them, do you want to be one of them? if you want, may Allah(swt) guide your steps to the excellence you are called to be, insha´Allah.

          Baraka Allah feek.

          All my Unconditional Respect and Support,

          María

          • Thanks for the advice Muslima Sister Maria. Alot of people say to me why am this or that, why am I so violent, if they only knew the blood, sweat, tears, that I've been through, they would know who I am what I am. I don't want be desperate when it comes to having a women in my life. But I've been put down so much by this hostile western world for being a inexperience single loner, that it's hard not to think about wanting to have a beautiful women in my life. Even though I'm only supposed to fear Allah, but being beaten brutally by other people, has made it hard for to just fear Allah. I don't walk outside a single day out of my home without feeling threatened. People like the Virginia Tech Killer Cho Sueng Hui had many things similar to what many violent minded Muslim loner teens do, which ends up in nothing but chaos. Not only I'm financially unstable and emotionally unstable, but I'm also educationally unstable as well, My grades are going downhill just like everything. May Allah save or take away my life soon, for I'm tired of living a life of suffering.

          • As salamu alaykum Mujahid,

            I see your wounds, thank you very much for sharing, but believe me after this you are not a loner anymore, ...this two prayers has helped me a lot, and I believe they can be good for you if you want to give it a try.

            This one I said it three times before going out:

            "Bismillahi alladhi la yadurru ma`a ismihi shay’un fi al-ardi wa la fi as-sama’i wa huwa as-sami`u al-`alim"
            (In the name of Allah; with His name, nothing whatsoever on earth or heaven can inflict any harm; He is All-Hearing and All-Knowing).

            And when feeling specially down:

            Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said,

            "Allahumma innee AAabduk, ibnu AAabdik, ibnu ama tik, nasiyatee biyadik, madin fiyya hukmuk, AAadlun fiyya qa da-ok, as-aluka bikulli ismin huwa lak, sammayta bihi nafsak, aw anzaltahu fee kit abik, aw AAallamtahu a hadan min khalqik awis- ta/tharta bihi fee AAindak an tajAAalal -Qurana rabeeA Aa qalbee, wanoora sadree, wajal aa huznee wa thahaba hammee."

            “If any servant of Allah afflicted with distress or grief makes this supplication, his supplication will be accepted: ‘O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of your maidservant. My forehead is in Your hand. Your command conceming me prevails, and Your decision concerning me is just. I call upon You by every one of the beautiful names by which You have described Yourself, or which You have revealed in Your book, or have taught anyone of Your creatures, or which You have chosen to keep in the knowledge of the unseen with You, to make the Qur’an the delight of my heart, the light of my breast, and remover of my griefs, sorrows, and afflictions‘.” A supplication in these words will be answered. Allah will remove one’s affliction .
            Source: Reported by Ahmad and Ibn Hibban

            Do your best day by day, hour by hour, and maybe somedays will be minute by minute, but you´ll get it, insha´Allah.

            May Allah(swt) protect and guide you every step of your way, insha´Allah.

            All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

            María

        • Assalam-Alekum,

          I think I'll agree to the point that its really tough for a migrant single muslim man away from his family, to be out there. Unless you have got an 'amazing job' and really amazing money you do not stand a chance of getting married in this world. And parents out there will only give their daughter's hand to a person, whose career is completely planned out.

          Brother you are saying that you have nothing, but you are lucky enough to come to the west to study and further your career. Compare yourself to your friends and colleagues who are back home. You are much better than them since you are getting better education, better career opportunities, better standard of life.

          The problem is now once you have come over here you are seeing many more things what life has to offer. And once you start comparing yourself with your muslim/non-muslim friends with money/wives while you don't have them it makes you ungrateful towards what you have. But don't be ungrateful, think of the opportunities that Allah has bestowed upon you till now, take them as a sign that he is giving you and inshaAllah he'll give you more.

          I can only say that given you are 21 years old. InshaAllah you'll graduate in one or 2 years right?....get a job after that and get married inshaAllah ASAP. Its just a matter of one or 2 years.
          I think this is a HUGE problem of the muslim parents, that they won't let their children get married in young age. They think that since they got married at say 30 or whatever age their children can also get married late in their lives. But the problem is they never had so much 'fitna' around them.

          Was music so prevalent in their times? No
          Were they continuously bombarded with naked magazines in grocery aisles? No.
          Was there Internet which is perhaps the prime cause of prevalence of music/porn/movies was there? No.
          There are many many more things which I can list here...
          [This reminds me of this lecture:
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysq-5P8F0gg
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Or83o9tsaUw
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPy5HtNexqI
          ]

          Point is parents never had these problems, and therefore they can never understand what young muslims are going through. Only after talking with them younger generations can explain their problems. I'll recommend talking to your father and mother about your problem. Two things can happen, either they might not comprehend your problem or they will understand it and will help you solve it. You also need to understand is that Allah has bestowed upon you with much more than your friends back home and inshaAllah he'll give you more. Its just one/two more years and after that you'll be graduating and getting a job inshaAllah and getting married inshaAllah.

          As far as listening to violent music is concerned don't listen to it. i can tell you from my experience that I used to listen to a lot of music though not violent but still music is music and its haram. I started to change it gradually though I have not completely get rid of it but its a gradual process. Listen to nasheeds, Native Deen is awesome :-). But we cannot always listen to nasheeds. try adding natural sounds, sounds of oceans and birds in your iPod. I know someone who used to listen to Translation of quran while traveling to and from work. Once you are going to sleep, change the track to some beautiful recitation of Quran.

          Brother think positive, its not Allah's curse on you, its just that you are going through some tough time. Remember he does not put more burden on us than what we can handle. Allah knows you can handle this and you can straighten your life. I know that you can handle this and straighten your life. Why do I know? Because it takes a man to see right into these problems, and what you are doing is admitting them and trying to solve them.

          I hope I am able to help you and take care of yourself.

          regards,

          • concerned, these are all excellent suggestions. I love your suggestion to add nature sounds to the iPod, I don't know why I never thought of that. I'm going to do that right now Insha'Allah.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Thanks for the advice concerned. I'll try my best to make changes.

    • Bro, how shallow and what a big cop out to say many Muslim men are violent because of sexual frustration. You are blaming your lack of self control and anger problems on women. Seriously dude(!)

      I shall say no more.

      • A wife can also be blamed for this if she is not doing what she is supposed to do by Allah and his Messenger,

        But if she is Obedient to her husband, pleases him, not make him angry and he continues such an act then he is Deffently to be blamed alone.

        So sisters please read more about the life of the Prophit's (SAAW) Wives and learn the secret to your husbands hearts

        • Aisha,
          I have deleted your comment for obvious reasons. Please refrain from using such insulting, bad language in future. If you have something to say express it respectfully or not at all.

          Sara
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Salams Sister ,

    I think now that you have described the situation in detail , it is clear that your husband suffers from

    pre-mature ejaculation and is ashamed of sharing a sexual relationship with you. Once a month

    is rare, and you are suppressing your desires by working out. On the short-term, this may help.

    On the long-term, it's not going to solve anything. Suffering from this is not easy, and comparable

    to e.g. the female being extremely overweight, or other "flaws" that make you sexually inhibited. This is no

    excuse for aggression, insulting the partner, or masturbating. But it explains it. We must understand

    that he has a problem from which he's suffering, which lowers his self-esteem and makes him feel

    less desirable than other men. He is too shy to approach you- and therefore masturbates, looks at

    pictures and "gets " it in a situation in which he cannot lose his face in front of other females, doesn't

    have to be ashamed and: nobody laughs at him. My dear sister, even if you tell him over and over

    again that you love him, are happy with him and desire him the way he is- he feels and senses that

    he can't give you everything and it's eating him up. I don't want to justify his behaviour- but this is not

    a gender issue, it rather requires the patience , the sabr, that our holy prophet made obligatory for his

    followers. Look, there are methods to delay ejaculation....and it's a question of practice.

    1.) Do it more often, don't wait until he approaches you. Throw out the internet, block it, don't let him

    hide in his world of self-pity. Practice every day, as long as you don't have children. He's not an animal,

    but he has desires he fulfils unlawfully, whereas yours are being neglected completely - this is wrong

    2) Foreplay: Long and passionate foreplay can help you get to know each other's bodies in a better way.

    Find his erogenous zones, let him find yours. Before you have "normal sex", try out other options(

    fellatio etc.) to reach the climax. Tell him to think of something very ugly and awful, an unpleasant

    situation, before he's about to come. That makes it easier for him to delay the act. A woman doesn't normally

    reach a climax with normal sex. In order to meet your desires, fellatio would be sufficient and his

    pre-mature ejaculation doesn't serve as an excuse

    3) Whisper words of love and passion into his ear. This is not only about sex, but also about emotions. Don't

    tell him it's fine the way it is- tell him it's going to become better and you'll support him.

    4) Be endlessly patient, this premature ejaculation is a greater problem for him than for you. Kiss him so

    much it takes his breath away, don't allow him to go into another room or read magazines or spend

    too much time somewhere else

    5) Maybe a sex therapist could help at the end if nothing works.

    Sorry for explaining things in detail, but my German non-Muslim grandmother always says: If it's not

    working in the bedroom, it's not working anywhere.

    It would be sad if this relationship ends up in divorce because of this issue. Insha allah your problem

    will be solved soon.

    But: There is absolutely no excuse for cursing, insulting, and looking at non-mahrams because he

    is ashamed of his problem. Re-educating him or at least making an attempt is your job now- before

    you think of divorce, which is always the last resort.

    Jazakallah my dear Sister

  12. Oh and I forgot to mention: He has to provide for you financially. I have the impression he escapes

    responsibilites- and wants to chose the easiest option. You don't have any financial responsibility-

    he is the one who has to earn the money for your living expenses.

  13. You can NEVER change anybody. People (and men in general) only change their ways if they WANT to change and if they are ABLE to change. And wanting is not always equal to ability, ok?

    However the two of you had conflicts (that were serious to you) even before marriage! Those were the conflicts that you shouldn't have ignored. And then you thought that marrying the guy would solve everything.

    Girl, you need to be smarter than that. This has nothing to with being a "good muslim wife" because I am sure that you are an exceptional wife as is.

    This guy was damaged from the beginning. He has problems with his sexuality (which is a BIG thing for a married couple) and you two just don't share the same values which is REALLY important.
    I want you to understand how IMPORTANT it is to at least share important key values with your partner!

    My parents got married because of demands from their society. They spent 15 forced and MISERABLE years together before they finally divorced and now they are very happy with partners that they have much more in common with.

    PLEASE, dear you, do NOT let 15-20 years pass with this man. Take action , DIVORCE him while you can!!!
    And if you have kids with him, still divorce him because staying together just because of kids is also a miserable state. DO NOT STAY WITH HIM BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD FOR HIM!!

    You are clearly unhappy and you deserve MUCH better.

    And HE might be better off with somebody who is more like him. There is no reason for you to walk on eggshells for any man regardless of how much you love him. Always love and value yourself.

  14. Bismillah

    It's very disheartening to read such issues, unfortunately you are not alone. The world we live in is saturated with sexual ideas, everything, even a can of coke is turned into something sexual of nature by having a model drink it.............no point ..anyway...

    I want to suggest that you dirvorce him because the way I see it, he's displaying behaviour of an adolencent. However, my heart of heart is telling me that there's one more step you can attempt to take. You must know that you've used up all options before resolving to divorce. I do believe that you two should try counselling. He suffers from an unhealthy percecption of sexual intimacy which I believe many, many people do these days. Again that goes back to our overly sexually saturated society.

    You defintely have a lot of love, and seem to be a very sincere sister MashaAllah. A man with the nature of your husband is man that may only react when the pressure is on and often takes advantage of such loving/giving nature. That being said when the pressure cools down things to back to "normal". I believe you have to change a little bit in your nature and by that, set an expectation. I'm thinking your husband is a "talker" someone that uses words to get out of things or get what he wants. Pay no attention to it. Set your standard, set your goals, and have a counsellor mediate between you two. A counsellor will provide proactive solutions and avenues for him to combat his internal ills. If still after trying, I'd say 6 months is enough to know the sincerity, then do istikhara and make your decision. Always keep supplicating to Allah subhanu wa tala, your duas are never in vain. You have put a lot of time already into this relationship, which proves a great amount of patience on your part, MashaAllah. If you are able to muster up the strength I strongly suggest a marriage counsellor as your last rope.

    May Allah subhana hu wa tala protect us all from the evils of shaytaan, man, jinn and ourselves..Ameen.

    Shaytaan is an open enemy to us all, remember to keep seeking refuge in Allah subhanahu wa tala from Shaytaan the acursed.

    Take care of your spirit my dear sister in Islam!

  15. salaam....
    It is always difficult to win a mans heart....but if you ever win it then he will live a life to satisfy your likes and guard himself against your dislikes......let him know that you love him so truely than any one in this world...even if you dont also....but its not easy as you think....a man always respects the words of a woman who always talks less...moreover while talking to him make it a habit of talking in sweet, soft and tender voice and slowly convey him that as a wife you have your own views about how your life partner should be.........and tell him how aching it is to see a person whom we love dearly is intrested in other women......dont talk too much... and atlast say him that you think that he will do it for you if his love is true for you.......wear a smile on ur face whenever you see him....coz smile is a key to love.....dont give a smile which he will think that you are criticising him....i hope u understood what i told....be confident always and that is the best way to attract a mans heart....dress for him and gives him surprises whenever he comes home.....man loves surprises....prepare dishes according to his likes......and an important thing is try to make him enjoy while having sex with him.....always try to bring a variety in sex and make him satisfied....ask him what you want to do for him...otherwise he will go for other woman to satisfy his needs....let him too be a little jelousy about you........dress well and stand in front of the mirror while going out.....let him too have a fear of losing you....but dont tell anything that will hurt him........without speaking itself you should be able to make him jelousy........dont go on asking him why you are going on doing such things...it will make them angry and will prompt them to overdo things......also give him a space....allow him to go out....and never ever go on asking where he is going all the time....if its an urgent ask him sweetly....if he doesnt answer dont go on asking him......if u give him sweet memories then he will think about you when u are not near to him........and for sure he will miss u.....and will feel guilty if he have contacts with other woman......and he himself will stop from this......nothing is impossibleif u try.......im sure if u try this he will surely live a life for you........
    MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU....PRAY TO GOD....THE ALMIGHTY WONT LEAVE YOUR HAND........

  16. Why I watch porn is because my freakin wife would not let me have sex. Its been more than three months since I have had sex and she just does not want sex. forget sex she even does not allow me to kiss her. not even cuddling is allowed. Oral sex is a big no from the beginning. I am so stuck in my freakin life and with this crazy woman that i dont know what to do. so now if i watch porn and masturbate to it is it okay or not??

    • As salamu alaykum, brother Kamran,

      Masturbation and watch porn is not an option, it will make you more miserable, face your problems and find solutions, Insha´Allah. Ask her about the reasons not to have sex with you, an option is counselling if she agrees, and depending on the reasons you can see which options you have to solve the situation. Please log in and submit your question to be able to help you in the best way possible. Strengthen your bond to Allah(swt) this will be the root of any option.

      All my Unconditional Respect,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Dear Ms. Maria

    I have asked my wife regarding not having sex. Actually she is pregnant and when she found out that she is pregnant she told me that she will not have sex with me for the coming one year. Then she told me that she does not want another child soon after having one. She wants to have a time period of almost five years in between having another baby. I told her that I have no objection to that. The interesting thing is that she told me that i cannot have sex with her for five years cozx this can result in her getting pregnant. I told her about the contraceptives and I also told her that I will use condoms but she thinks that condoms are not 100 % guarantee. And she does not want to use any medicines as she thinks it is unislamic.
    So if there is any other solution that you ladies/sisters have let me know. How to convince her to have sex during her pregnancy. And how to have sex in the next five years.
    coz I am now losing my mind and that is the reason I watch porn and masturbate. Atleast porn does not makes you dependent upon someone.

    • As salamu alaykum, Brother Kamran,

      Please log in and submit your question. Congratulations on your pregancy. Try to convince her about going to marriage counselling or to the doctor, they will tell her that the risk with condoms to get pregnant is very low and if her pregnancy is without risk, you can have sex until the time the doctor prescribes it. Islamically speaking, one of the duties of a wife is to have sexual intercourse with her husband. Be sweet, soft and kind, you have the duty to melt her Heart to listen to you, don´t pressure but insist. She shouldn´t ignore your rights. Save your energies to seduce her, masturbation is a waste of energy and it kills the marriage, it is like rotten energy, you don´t want that. To watch porn is like virtual cheating, lower your gaze, Insha´Allah. Increase communication and foreplays with her, pregancy and the first year after it, is a test, please be patience.
      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • kamran, I do have advice for you, but you need to log in and write your question as a separate post. thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  18. divorce him now, he will never get over this, TRUST ME! divorce before children are brought into the equation. ull regret it if u stay with him, he will not change. the fact he said it was ur duty to stop him is disgusting. he will just continue to bully you. please get out b4 its too late

  19. Assalaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you brave sisters for sharing your incredibly sad stories. They are filled with a level of pain and sorrow that I cannot imagine or comprehend. I pray that Allah shows you a way out, ameen.

    I first and only instinct is that there is absolutely no reason why any of you cannot divorce your respective husbands. Because they have failed you in the utmost. It is adultery and without doubt a great sin and a great breach of trust. From my knowledge, in Islam, the PRIMARY purpose of marriage is to achieve a sense of "sakina" or tranquility. If you do not have this in your marriage, that the main purpose of marriage has been lost! And Islam does not prevent you from divorce. There are steps to take, so follow them closely, and InshAllah, God will show you the path. Just remember, this deen is a middle way. We are not like the Catholics who cannot divorce under any circumstance. Do not let anyone persuade you into thinking it is wrong for you to do. You must do what is best for your life and the lives of your children, since the situations you describe are indeed dire.

    I hope Allah blesses all of you with relief from this great calamity. Ameen.

    Allah Hafiz

  20. Salam to all Muslim sisters and brothers

    Please need advice I want to find out if I have done wrong I hope ALLAH forgive me.

    I ate my sahree in Ramadan and in the morning I red fajar namaz and I kept my roza about in the late morning around 11 am. I felt that I need my wife but I did nothing but I asked her to use her hand on me while I was in roza and then I felt relaxed.

    Please tell me someone have I done this wrong.

    May ALLAH bless you and your family

    • Ali, what you have done is haram and it breaks your fast. You must make kaffara and make up your fast. If you need more information, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  21. Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,
    Im very sorry that you are going through this. But Im more sorry that no one is giving the right advice.
    I think I will try to give you. Im a man and husband. I've been through this aswell. Although I did not cheat or touched any women. Anyway, the thing that you are describing is a pervert mind. But one good thing I see that he is at least being honest with you.
    Finding out the problem is 99% solution. So what is happening? It is perversion.
    Everybody has it to some extent. What is perversion? It is to cross the normal allowed boundaries or morality according to islam. Note the reason i say in Islam, because Islam brought the highest morality on this earth.

    Now how to cure it?
    Simply, install fear of Allah in him. How to do that fast?
    Find Tabligh brothers in the masjid or talk to their wife. Do not give detail of what is going on.
    "Just say it is very important for your husband to visit my husband."
    They will take him out on a righteous journey. He may find a lot differences but that is ok. Inshallah this one problem will be fixed.
    Jazzak Allah Khair
    Your Brother in Islam
    NoName

  22. Salam sister... I know it's a couple of years later. But I was wondering what happened in your situation? Are you two still married? Did you work it out?

  23. as a guy and unmarried, i have so much guilt and frustration regarding masturbation, but i hope to stop one day with the help of my wife inshallah!

  24. i had been depressed for long time while doing masturbation, mainly because i m unmarried. I was actually quite happy doing it for a long time and until i tried going cold turkey. Hopefully i will get married soon and i don't have to masturbate and i have already quit porn but i do watch girls videos and pictures but no sex etc. I really hope to stop this habit. Reading comments here make me realize that i m not alone in this world who is facing similar problems and we can give one another support. But what amazes me is that i was actually so much happy doing it until i tried to stop and thats when the guilt started.

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