My husband says I’m annoying, but I just want him to appreciate me.
As Salaam Alaikum Wa Rahmatuallahi Wa Baraakatahu
My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. He hardly ever spends time with me. He never wants to take me out to dinner or the movies or do anything together as husband and wife. Now when I text him and asks "what are you doing? " "when are you coming home?" Etc he says I'm annoying and I'm getting on his nerves.
I've read advice to other brothers and sisters and try to take heed and use it in my marriage. I send him links so he can read them as well, but now he thinks I'm pointing out his faults. He said I'm acting like I'm perfect. I try to do my best to be a good wife to him. I take the advice as well he just never takes notice.
I'm starting to feel unappreciated and unwanted. I just want my husband to show me he loves and appreciates what I do. Nothing ever seems good enough. What can I do?
MuslimahApr28
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Sister I hear you, I have been there myself as well.
What helps when there is a fight is to show that you appreciate him. This might sound opposite of what you want. But trust me. If he likes a certain food, cook it. Etc. give him a hug when he comes home and smile. Just be happy and do lil nice things for. How can someone not like their spouse of they are good to them?
If that doesn't work and you have been trying for a while, then there might be more serious matters. Talk to him about what is going on and how you are feeling.
I like to tell my husband when he gets into his weird modes...."I love you, I miss you. You are home, but it feels like you are not with me. I am here to listen and ready when you are to tell me why you are unhappy. I want you to be happy, and I need you to communicate withe so I understand why you aren't. "
Etc. hope that helps. Some people just don't know how to express their feelings and they shut down..like our spouses it seems. But give them some space of a day or two and then start to gently nudge them to air out the issues in the relationship...and ofcourse your issues too.
And sister, most of all. Make lots of dua. remember that Allah hears our prayers and he is the one who is capable of helping you and bringing you as a couple back together.
Salaams,
If your husband is especially sensitive to criticism, even you best attempts to reach out to him or try to bridge the gap may be taken the wrong way. He might see your concerns as a personal slight against him, even though you don't mean it to be. It can be very difficult to live with someone who misinterprets your good intentions and attempts to improve the marriage.
Often the only way to resolve such a dynamic is to involve a third party. See if he's willing to go to marital counseling with you, where a therapist can referee the way you both communicate and analyze how he is taking things. A skilled therapist can help both of you understand one another better and guide you how to effectively communicate so that everyone's needs are met. If he's not willing to see a counselor, see if he would at least be willing to sit with you an a trusted relative or imam in the interest of letting your thoughts be heard. You can even say something like, "I think I might be misunderstanding some of the ways our marriage is going. I might even be overlooking the ways you try to show me you care about me. Would it be ok if we talk to (insert person here) together so that you can explain what you want me to understand, and they can help me get what I might be missing?"
If even these attempts fail, and nothing seems to break the cycle, it may be that your husband may not be as committed to the relationship as you are. If you find yourself coming to that conclusion, then it will be necessary to re-evaluate the pro's and con's of the relationship continuing or not.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't want to be rude but I don't have much tolerance for the emotion driven conversations that women like either. So I think you just need to stop nagging and wait. Whether he opens up or not as long as he loves you, you are happy, right?
Marriage is not just about loving each other but a commitment of a life time. If women can tolerate and accept the flaws of the husband for the sake of heaven in Jannah, don't take advantage out of it. We are human and women are more emotional then men and our hearts are softer, we were born that way. I don't think women like to engage in a too emotional conversations or being pampered or being said 'I love you' from the husband all the time, what we need is the husband to remember why they married us on the first place. We are not perfect, neither the men, but why are we being told always that we are annoying when we voice out anything? We don't expect the men to love us the way we do, everyone has different ways but don't expect us to be like a man because we are not. If the man doesn't love or feel that the wife is important anymore, do say so, don't keep us hanging like some sort of criminal that you punish and mentally abuse any time you want just because in Islam, we have to obey the husbands and put them first.
I have a feeling both you and your husband have psychological issues. How long have you been married? Why do you fight all the time?
I do not think you are doing anything wrong ukhtee. Everyone on this post is telling you to put up with someone who does not appreciate you. What you are doing is not wrong, nor is it annoying, he is the one who is annoying. I am sure before you were his wife he was a different person. He needs to be the person you fell in love with. Sure you can cook him what he wants, or do the things he likes, but what about your needs? As women we need to feel loved, we need to feel romance, we need to feel wanted. If you do all that for him but he does not take the time to appreciate you as his wife that's his problem not yours. If he wants to call himself a Muslim tell him to read about our prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and how he treated any of his wives. Your husband needs to realize that you text him or ask him questions bc you care. If you did not care about him you would not ask. My advice is ask him how he would feel if you treated him the way he treats you. If he is ok with it then I'm sorry to say but there is something more going on. If he changes hemdilla. But there is no reason someone you love, married, gave your life to, and do everything for should not make you feel the same. There are no excuses. You are not the problem, in our religion men do not understand that just as they can look elsewhere for their needs we can to, you need to make him understand your worth not keep kissing up to him while he treats you badly. yes we are suppose to be patient, but patience only goes so far. You are a wife not a slave, you need to loved and wanted, not feel like a burden. We are a new generation and as Muslim women standing up for what we want in our home, career, and love life is crucial.
Jay, watch the language please. I had to edit your post slightly to remove some words.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am sorry Wael,
Thank you for letting me know I think I got carried away and was talking how I would with my own sister lol. It will not happen again
is posting pictures of cartoons and other human pictures halal in Islam and by this website?
Assalaamualaikam
Different people and different scholars have different views on this. Rather than entering into a debate here, you're welcome to submit a question for publication on this issue, which can be published and answered in turn. Bear in mind, though, that we are not scholars and this is an advice website rather than an academic forum. If you are disturbed or offended by any images, your internet service provider should have a tool which allows you to block unwanted content.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor