My husband may be sleeping with his ex-wife
I am so confused and would appreciate some advice.
Background in brief; I'm a european divorcee with adult children. I remarried a muslim man 12yrs my junior (an Arab) who had no children and and who said it did not matter that I could not bear anymore children. He said our love was enough. I converted to Islam when we married. We have been married 5 yrs. We live in the UK.
Last year I found out he had married another european (non-muslim) woman a year earlier and that she was now pregnant (she emailed me and 'let the cat out of the bag). In her email she said dreadful things such as my husband was dangerous, he had threatened to kill her, raped her, she feared for her children... (they had only met up for a total of about 30 days over that year). I was/still am devestated about it all (I have no ill feeling toward the baby whatsoever and want him to be a father to his daughter), its all the lies, deceipt and and lack of trust that I have 'issues' with.
My husband admitted it was true but said he had divorced her 3 times on the phone after she emailed me. He did not see or speak to her during her pregnancy (over 7-8months) and only recently got in contact folowing the birth. DNA has confirmed he is the father. She appears to be emotionally unstable, screaming or crying at him one moment, declaring love or hate the next, asking him to move in with her then saying she wants nothing to do with him... She lives 6 hr train journey from us and has 2 elder children.
He admits to 'stringing her along' allowing her to believe that they may have a future together because he wants contact with the baby. She buys him gifts all the time including sexy underwear. He too buys her gifts - usually external clothing.
She is believed/known to have had numerous boyfriends during the pregnancy and posted sexual comments/cartoons on a social networking site to another man.
He said he divorced her 3 times over the phone (after she informed me of their relationship) and he definately did not have any contact with her for 7-8months (only via letters from his Solicitor requesing pregnancy/birth details) until after the birth of his daughter, therefore completing her iddah.
He brought me to Islam and he speaks like a devout (sunni) muslim.
We are not wealthy and struggle to cope financially as it is.
Now for my questions, fears, concerns etc.
- He visits the baby 2 times per month but stays overnight in her house - haram?
- He said he sleeps on the sofa and that there is no quilt or blanket for him to use to keep warm however when he returns home, his clothes are neat and obviously not been slept in?
- He rings her twice daily and chats on MSN in the evening most days for 2-8 hours - allegedly talking about general things???
- She sends him pictures of her and the baby, including ones of her breast feeding - haram?
- He has pictures of him and the baby taken with him on a bed?
- He says repeatedly that I make his life hell by continually asking questions about this ongoing situaltion and will not give me a straight yes/no answer to my questions - such as are they sexually intimate? Is it not haram to do the things he does regarding her? or he gets angry if I quote the Quran and remind him of guidance set out regarding marriage.
- She has pictures of him and her all round the house on the walls.
- Both of them 'play games' (emotional), he had told her during their marriage for example that he and I were not intimate and that we lived seperate lives within our house - lies.
- She too is a proven liar - of which I have seen for myself.
- He does not allow me to see what he says to her but I did once read his comment of "nice boob" when she sent a picture of her breastfeeding. He said this was only a joke?!
- I have severe depression as a result of this and frequently think about death but is only my religion and family that prevent me from acting upon my thoughts. I am under my doctor and am on anti-depressants ( I also have ongoing health problems in addition).
- He swore by Allah when he got back in contact with her that he would not touch her but the 'evidence' seems to indicate that maybe he has broken this - or am I being paranoid and should have more trust?
- He has sworn by Allah he loves me and will never leave me.
- He won't discuss/talk about this situation even though he knows it is making me ill - he says I should be patient and that its non of my business. If I push the issue he says he will return to his home country. He has also started using foul language to me when he is angry - calling me a "F**king B**ch, telling me to "F**k off". This is not the quiet gentle man I married. He has also threatened to 'use his hand' on me if I do/say certain things - like when I said to him to not be stupid when he said I had the brain of a child (I'm a qualified and well educated person!!).
- He says he does not shower etc down there and does not 'catch up' with his prayers when he returns
- All I want is for him to stop giving her false hope (or am I the one whose being lied to?) and be honest with me, is he having sex or an intimate relationship with her? Did he really divorce her? What about his religion if so? Does he share a bed with her but is not intimate?
- He barely talks to me when hes is home, we used to watch films together and cuddle up, used to laugh and play etc. Our intimate relationship is a 10 minute affair and he seems no longer concerned if I am unfulfilled...
What do I do? I love him so very much but my self-esteem is getting lower and lower, I have no friends and I fear for my future. I pray to Allah for patience, to stop my jealously, to forgive me and him if we are doing wrong, to guide us on the right path and for us all (including his ex?-wife & her family) to find peace and happiness.
This situation is now testing my faith and I too some days have begun missing some/all of the 5 daily prayers because I sometimes feel the whole situation is hopeless. By the same token, I have been reading more and more about Islam, Hadiths, Dua's... in some ways my faith is stronger and in other ways is weaker.
The problem I have is that I thought I had married a devout muslim who would set a good example for me but the more I read and understand, the more I realise that he is probably committing more sins than ever before and that makes me feel unsafe within my marriage and about the future of my marriage.
Am I paranoid?
Should I pursue him for answers?
If he is having intercourse with her, and she has/has had sex with other men, then I could be at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection... I've said this to him and asked that he wear a condom if he is being intimate with her but he just says "condom what".
I've even considered requesting a divorce, but I know Allah hates this and I love him so very much. I desperately want to believe him and pray that we have a long loving and happy marriage together.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm desperate for someone elses thoughts or ideas
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