Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has tried to suffocate me with a pillow.

Assalamalaikum

I am a 30 year lady and been married for 3 years.
Let me add that I got married to a muslim man of my choice who is younger than me  2 years. Initially my parents objected to his marriage when they found out that he use to drink alcohol. But since i knew or at least I thought he had stopped drinking, i begged my parents to let me marry him.  He comes from a really nice family so my family finally agreed and we got married.

Initially the first few months (read 2-3) our marriage was okay. since we knew each other from before, out comfort level was good.
Then one fine day I saw him looking at pics of half naked ladies on the internet while i was at home. I got very angry and told him he shoudn´t be doing that, he said what is the big deal, he is not doing anything just looking.  But I just didn´t understand why he had to do so. He got angry and start pushing me down, pulling my hair,abusing verbally my family and me. I was shocked at his behaviour. He called me all kinds of wrong words which I can´t use in this forum. I cried all night but later he said sorry and I forgave him.

After that incident, within a few months, he wanted to buy a second hand car and like any good wife i gave him my opinion and told him that its not a good car and it will be wasting money. Let me also add that he can be easily influenced by anything. So when his friend showed him this 2nd hand car, he just wanted it.  When I told him calmly there is no point, he hit me on my face. and again started all his abusing.  At that point, i was just lost. I didn´t realise what happened and why !! I started moving towards depression and pretending everything is fine.

Since i did really love him, i forgave him and time moved on; but of all this trauma our physical relation had come down to nill. i didn´t feel any attraction towards him and didn´t like him touching me.

Let me also add that he smokes wrong things and this I found out after marriage.  He only makes friends with ppl.

He sometimes goes out with friends and doesn´t come back home till 4-5 am in the morning. He doesn´t take my call when i call him.

Once on such incident when he was out all night, I got really upset with him and had a fight. His reaction was horrible, he tried to suffocate me with a pillow and when that didn´t work, he put his hand on my face and try to suffocate me. Allahamdullilah, by the grace of allah nothing happened to me and I survived.  After that incident, I couldn´t keep quite and called his and my parents. His parents came over and try to calm things.

After his parents got involved, he was still  angry on things but never abused physically or verbally till last week.We went for marriage counselling for 2-3 months which helped initially but things are going back to how it was before.

Now after almost 8-9 months since his parents got involved, we had a fight over something silly and he did the same things again, he pushed me on wall, threw water at my face,slapped my hand, press my neck, all this happened while we were on vacation.

Finally when I came back, I decided to take some time and make a final decision about what I want to do.

Just a day had passed since that incident and he got angry on something else and threw a glass at me but allahdullilah the glass just hit my cheek bone.  I know I wana leave him since I have a feeling he is never going to change.

In between all this, I have found out that he NEVER wants to have children and his smoking illegal things will not stop either.

My parents are mashaallah very religious and respectable people, I am worried if I decide to divorce my husband how will it affect them ?   but how long can I stand all this? I fear for my life. I can´t remember the last time I was genuinely happy about anything.

Someone please tell me what should I do? I imagine killing myself all the time, but because of fear of allah and knowing its haram, I know I will never do it.

Am I wrong in wanting to leave this man. Even if i believe that he will never abuse me, then too he doesn´t want to live an islamic life or wants to have kids.
Please help.


Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

13 Responses »

  1. Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

    I am lost as to why you are still living with a man who is a threat to your life. His behaviour is disgusting and not from Islam at all. It 'may' be that his animal like behaviour is a result of him being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, but I doubt this is the sole reason. Whatever the reason behind this, you should not be sitting there waiting for him to throw his next punch. You are very fortunate that the two times he actually tried to strangle and suffocate you, you walked away with your life. What makes you think the next time, he will not actually finish you off?

    It is simple. Islam is a peaceful and sensible religion and completely forbids such disgusting behaviour as your husband is showing. You have absolutely no reason not to leave this man. Infact, by leaving him, you will be protecting the precious life Allah has gifted to you. If you stay with him, you are saying his behaviour is acceptable. If your parents are truly 'very religious and respectable people' as you say, then they will support you in escaping this tyrant poor excuse for a man. No 'normal' parent wants to see their daughter abused by her husband. I feel that you are using your parents as an excuse for not leaving this man though and in fact all you need is some will power and encouragement.

    You have tried the counselling and it hasnt worked. You can hold your head up high and know that you tried. Now don't waste anymore of your life and do not contemplate suicide for a single moment. That would be eternal misery for you. Furthermore, while you continue living with this man, you are not living in a marriage, you are living in prison awaiting a painful execution, which from what you have said, the execution does not seem to be far off.

    You said you wanted to make a decision didnt you? So this is it. A life of abuse and death at the hands of this sick man. Or a life of peace and serenity? I think you know the answer Sis. Give yourself the chance of living a happy life with a loving caring husband and beautiful children - you deserve it.

    I'll make it even more simple for you: What would you advise your Sister or Best Friend to do were they in your shoes (God Forbid)? Your answer to that will be the solution to your problem.

    I would tell my sister to GET OUT immediately, because her life is in danger. No 'ifs', no 'buts', no 'wait' - its NOW.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • the answer is obvious what to do dear. first off it breaks my heart to hear that and make sure you keep in touch with me, those are very difficult things to have to go through. for one thing if you have good parents they are your most important allies hear. you have to tell them. it will help you, the depression and thoughts of killing yourself are because you've bottled what's going on in, and haven't opened up about it to anybody. but forget that for now, RUN. Please sister get out of that relationship. please sister just run. get out. RUN! as far as your parents go, they would be terrible parents that you don't need in your life if they would encourage to stay in a relationship like that and it would be better if they weren't in your life anyways. but they will probably accept you but who cares about that for now, just get out get out of that relationship please sister

  2. PS: If you can safely leave now, take some money and go to your parent's house, a sibling's, another family member, or good female friend. If you need immediate help, call the Police. The rest can be dealt with when you are in a safe place with safe people.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    im jus lost of words. he tryed suffocating you, yet you still with him? also i dont think its gonna affect your family cos you have a really good reason.

    why didnt you call the police? if you value your life and your well being then leave sister. since you dont have any children it will be more easier.

    also sis dont think about killing yourself, we all are destined to die so why rush to your death? sis you said , " I am worried if I decide to divorce my husband how will it affect them? " have you thought about how they will feel if you killed yourself? im sure they will be in more pain than what people say.

    im a parent and if my child commited suicide i will go insane. so plz sis never look at suiced as a resolve, get that out of your mind.

    ma salama

  4. Asalamoalaikum sister,
    I was shocked after reading your post. You already know what you need to do for your own sake and survival purposes. You must leave him asap, he is dangerous to your well being and I doubt he will change if you have been through counseling and things still have not changed.

    I am shocked that he tried to suffocate you and threw glass which hit your cheek bone. Like sisterZ has said, this is not entirely due to alcohol and drugs but also due to other factors such his temperament, personality, etc.

    Again, like sisterZ has said that if your family is that religious they will know the speculations to when a woman can ask for khula (divorce). Allah swt has put this forth for a reason such as when a woman is being mistreated as in your case. You have all rights to seek divorce and rightfully so. Stay strong and remain persistent with your decision.

    InshAllah with time when you heal you will find yourself a suitable partner. Right now though, you must think of all ways to escape from this person. He is a danger to your well-being!

  5. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister!

    I completely agree with the advice offered here -so will not reiterate except that you need to leave ASAP. Alhumdulilah that he has not yet killed you - don't wait around for that to happen. May Allah protect you.

    Divorce is allowed in Islam if marriages are failing and is certainly recommended in this case, so do not worry about that - your parents should be happy you are leaving such a husband. If they are not for some weird reason, stand by your decision to leave it is the right thing to do. I assume you can get accomadation with relatives? If not, then there are organisations which can sort out some for you, depending on your country. Also if you need a female editor to contact your privately sister, just let us know on here and we can arrange it. May Allah protect you. Ameen

    I wanted to add that for safety reasons, it may be best to not disclose your plans to leave to your husband and possibly leave at a time when he is not around if you can. That said I also dont think you should stick around for days waiting for him to leave the house. Be careful, make plans to quickly get out and dont hesitate to call the police if he becomes violent!

    May Allah swt help you through this and protect you.
    Ameen

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  6. Sister

    Your letter is sooo sad, it makes me cry. But I am only going to reiterate the adivce others have given you.
    Please leave him.
    My best freind was once married to a man, who violently abused her just after she had given birth, whilst he abused her she was on the phone to me asking me to tell her what to do? I know everyone needs guidance but there are somethings sister you must act upon straight away. She told me her husband was trying to strangle her. The advice i give you now is what i told her. Phone the police if he abuses you, stop him, if not for you then for his own sake. Pack you bag and leave. don't look back. don't regret

    Violent men need to be locked up. They need to be helped.

    My friend is mashallah happily married with three children. Her ex did time- i think he's a better man for it.

    Please don't be afriad about what people will think. who cares??? they are not living in your hell. do this for yourself, for you future. you deserve better- you've given the chances, you've worked on the marriage- now please
    walk away.
    Good luck.

  7. As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sasha,

    You are important to all of us, please listen to the advice everyone has given to you, insha´Allah.

    Put all of them together and move on, insha´Allah.

    Think about yourself and save your life.

    Your life is a blessed gift given by Allah(swt) to you, care for your life, nobody has the right to abuse you.

    Look for support and don´t doubt about going to counselling after you have left this man.

    He needs professional help, if you leave him maybe he will react that he needs help, insha´Allah.

    Please don´t look back once you get out of there. Your life is precious and unique.

    Go back with your family or someone that really cares about you. You need support now.

    Your life is important to all of us, please do it, and give yourself the opportunity to find a good pious man to be your spouse and to have beautiful and loving children, insha´Allah. You have a life waiting for you, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. salaam'alayk

    sister, the BIGGEST reason why you HAVE to leave him without a shadow of a doubt is the fact that he does NOT pray to Allaah [saw], thats the biggest reason.

    the second biggest reason is the fact that he uses alcohol and drugs, this will infect your iimaan,

    also, if he is beating you in a way which could END your life, then this is another reason to get away from him.
    because staying with him is suicide.
    it is HARAAM for a man to beat his wife in a way which may kill her.

    please get away a.s.a.p, and this is easy as you dont have any kids with him to worry about.
    your mission to walk out of his house this moment is easy.

    Allaah ma'ak ukht!

  9. Dear Friend

    I went threw a simlar experience as you,it was very traumatic for me at the time.I also felt that I had to stick with my husband no matter what. A wife can forgive many things,but when your husband makes an attempt on your life,the marrage isnt healthy anymore and if they try it once and dont succeed,they are very likely to try again.

    Your life is the most precious gift that you will ever have and nobody has the right to take it from you. Forget about material things they can always be replaced,but your life cant.

    I left my husband,glad to come out of the experience alive.It was the hardest dicission,I ever had to make,but do believe that I made the correct choice,I trust in our creator and he has provided for me every day since I left.
    All I can say is leave and dont look back and be glad that you are still alive ............and Allah will take care of the rest.

  10. Leave this man, better yet file a police report and make sure this man never does this to another woman.

  11. I am so sorry to know that this is happening to you. It has been a while since your post but hopefully you have left your husband since then. I myself am not Muslim but I am married to a Muslim man, we fell in love almost immediately and have now been together happily for 15 years and have two children. My husband has never raised his hand to me and neither should yours, you deserve better than what you have been getting. I understand Muslim culture, and the difficulty you may have in leaving your husband due to shame for yourself and family. But what greater shame you will have spending the rest of your life with a man that is physically and emotionally abusing you. He is taking everything away from you including your self worth, independence and the right for you to have children. If you think he is going to stop, you are so wrong. You need to pack your bags and leave now. If your family do not support you being safe, shame on them. And even though it may hurt now you need to be selfish and think of yourself. It will be their loss not to have you in their lives. You have a long life a head of you and I bet you did not imagine a life being treated like this. Or you can start again and hope you will find a wonderful muslim man who will treat you as you should be treated and make you feel safe and loved. Do not think suicide, life is too precious. I know you are a wonderful person who deserves happiness in your life so give yourself a chance. I have seen this first hand from watching the way my brother in law treated his wife, similar to what you are experiencing. They are both Muslim and eventually she had the courage to leave and never looked back. It was hard at first for her but she knows she made the right decision. She is alive and happy and in love, so please do not give up. Please tell us where you are at now, hopefully in a better place in your life.

Leave a Response