Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants to marry his ex hindu girlfriend who is still married to another man

hindu women praying in river %photo

Hindu devotees offer prayers on the occasion of the festival of Chhat, dedicated to the worship of the Sun God, as they stand in the River Ganges in Allahabad, India

Assalamu Alaikum!

I have been married for the past 11 years. Alhamdullillah, Allah has blessed me with two great kids. I love my husband a lot despite many of his short comings.

Before marrying me, he was in love with a hindu girl who was ready to convert and who had struggled for 5 years to marry him. My husband was in the US while she was to leave from India, join him and get married. Her parents found out and didn't let her go. She then agreed to marry a guy just to get out of the house and use him to go to US. After marriage, she continued going out with my husband in her husband's absence. Since my husband did not have money at that time to file for her divorce, the girl finally departed. She did the maximum damage she could to him by saying that she would never forget him and never regret loving him. Even after 1+ year of separation, when my husband called to convey the message that he was going to get married, she had cried so much.

All this left him wounded. In fact what she said and did after her marriage, made him think more about her and become adament not to let go of her.

He agreed to marry me after being convinced by everyone. I wouldn't say we have had a smooth sail in marriage, my life with him was very tough. I loved him unconditionally even when he subconsciously denied me my rights as a wife. I was always upset about the way life has been, but I never thought of divorcing him as I can never love anyone as much as I love him.

By Allah's grace, after about 9 years, he has realized my love for him. He has finally opened himself upto me and told me everything that he hid about his past.

He is currently away from me doing his masters degree in another city since 2008. His behaviour after a year of separation from me changed so much that he completely ignored kids and visiting his family. I even suspected him of cheating me. Then one day, not being able to put up with all this, I gave him permission to marry another woman as I thought it would be better for him to do what is halal than haram. Although I said this once, just like any other woman who is possessive about her husband, I took back my word.

He has been pestering me ever since then to allow him to marry his ex. He has now told me that he would never be able to forget her as she has suffered so much for him and wants her back in his life. Moreover their affair was also very physical. He says he doesnt want her to feel guilty for marrying another man while still in love with him and die as a nonbeliever and a woman who committed zinna. He also admits that he loves me dearly and will see to that I would never get upset in life ever again.

I dont know what to do. I am really confused. I really cant bear my husband thinking of another woman. Moreover, even if I give him permission to marry her, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. I dont want him to sin by thinking of a woman who is not halal to him. As she is presently married with two kids, he says that once I grant him the permission he will ask her to divorce her husband, convert to islam and then marry him. Is this right on his part? I laid down a condition if I were to agree to his plans, that he ask this girl only once in my presence. Should she decline his wish, he should then promise that he will (try) and forget her.

If its not right, what can I do to make him forget her and realize his mistakes. I have also spoken to this girl who clearly said that she will not come into my life as she has two kids to think about. Should I trust this girl? By letting them talk with each other, two outcomes are possible. One, where she would refuse and he would forget her. Other, she converts and marries him. By letting them talk, will I be initiating them to sin?

My husband is now angry with me for contacting the girl. He thinks that I have betrayed him by making him open up and then going against him. Honestly, I didn't mean any harm. Although I thought I could live with him marrying a second wife, now I find it so hard to digest. He threw me away. He said I will never get to see him anymore and will not be coming for Eid. Someone please advice.


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6 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

    You are in a very difficult situation and I feel for you. You feel jealous at the thought of your husband taking another wife - this is absolutely normal. At the same time, you do not want your husband to incur sin by thinking of non-mahram woman in a sexual way - this is very compassionate and caring of you under such difficult circumstances. You have considered allowing him to marry another woman for his betterment but are now finding it difficult to contemplate now - this is also normal.

    ***

    A man is allowed to take more than one wife and infact he does not need to seek the permission of his first wife. Although, it would be better and more courteous for him to discuss this with you, right? He is allowed to take a second wife for the same reasons that any man would want to take a first wife, so he may love this second woman's character, beauty, piety etc. Bottom line is, the reasons for a man taking a second wife do not have to be because there is something lacking in his first wife.

    No woman wants her husband to take another wife, including you - of course you will feel jealous and upset, BUT the fact is that if your husband wishes to take another wife who is Muslim, Jewish or Christian - you cannot stop him. You cannot stop him from exercising a God given right. Although I understand that you do have the right to ask for divorce through the normal procedures (please clarify with an Imam). NB: Furthermore, please clarify the following, as I understand that if in the pre-nuptial agreement, the wife has requested the right to divorce her husband upon him taking a second wife, she can pronounce divorce as the man can do - without having to go through the court procedures. I heard this on a talk regarding Polygamy by Dr Abu Ameenah Bilal Philips.

    If your husband takes another wife and you accept her, this will no doubt be difficult for you, but if you manage to do it, think of the blessings you will receive from Allah. If this woman reverts, you may be helping her come towards Islam and maybe saving your husband and this woman from sinning - although you are not to blame if they continue sinning. They are adult and are accountable for their own wrong doings.

    ***

    Your husband should not turn the tables on you and make you feel guilty about anything. He may not know his own religion, but he does not have to ask you to take a second wife. As far as this other woman goes, she is not a believer of the 'Book', so she is not eligible to be married to him. If she sincerely accepts Islam, she can marry your husband. But until then, she is committing a great sin by cheating on her husand and your husband is committing a great sin by having extra marital relations - be they physical or emotional.

    I know it would take a lot of courage on your behalf, but I guess you could convey this to your husband and let him sort it out in his own way - by doing this, you are educating your husband on matters that are affecting his deen. Remind him also that he will have to treat you both equally as he will be held accountable for this on the Day of Judgement. After this dear Sister, do not feel burdened as you are not committing any sin. If she accepts Islam and marries him, maybe this is Allah's way of testing you and perhaps Allah is also giving you the chance to earn good deeds as you will also be helping the woman come to Islam.

    May Allah make your path easy, Aameen

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalamu Aleikum dear Sister,

    althougth polygamy is allowed in Islam( under certain conditions) and I know that people have different

    opinions on this issue, it is not a game you play when you are unhappy or just on a whim because you're

    a man. Since he went to do his MA, he neglected you and stopped visiting you and your kids( this is one

    of your rights). How is he going to treat 2 women equally when he's not able to treat 1 woman with dignity?

    This woman, at least now, is a Hindu and doesn't fall into the category of Ahlul Kitab. If she converts just

    to get married out of lust or attraction, i don't think it's from the heart. Finding to Islam or Allah is a long

    process, you do it for yourself and not for a spouse. It has to be cemented in your heart. I have the

    impression he just wants to make her Muslim to marry her, which I consider to be wrong.

    I wont repeat it over and over again, but love can be defined in different ways. Feeling attracted to a

    non-Muslim, then marry someone else, having children, then again feeling attracted to the non -Muslim....

    sounds very tragic and like a movie, but it's actually not reasonable. He certainly doesn't love her for her

    great qualities as a Muslim, because she isn't. Loving her for beauty ( as she's non-mahram) isn't ok, in my

    opinion. He has to fulfil his duties in terms of his 1st marriage perfectly, before he goes and marries

    someone else. I only approve of polygamy when there's a real economic necessity( war, crisis, lack of

    men, high number of women), but that isn't relevant now. I would actually talk to him and tell him that he has

    a responsibility as a family father. The other woman is married, too, I don't care why she did it. Her husband

    has rights and feelings as well; divorcing your husband because you feel attracted to your early love?

    Even if children aren't involved, this is cruel and irresponsible. Tell your husband and his first love that

    love and attraction is not a game you play. I think you are very generous with him and ( this is my opinion)

    too "submissive". As a Muslim wife, be a safe haven, give tranquillity, but don't let him do whatever he wants.

    As a married man, it's a taboo for him to contact or think of a non-mahram, that's what she is. Even if he

    had serious intentions to get married, he can't reach halal by walking through haram. ( contacting, missing

    her). Also you mentioned he was physical with her before marriage. That is zina, and marrying someone

    you already committed zina with is like inviting the Shaitaan into your new life. ( my opinion). Seeking

    tawbah is fine, but to me it sounds as if he doesn't treat you well and has the audacity to want even more.

    Sister, respect you husband, as long as he respects you. How would he react if you told him : I will file for

    divorce , still in love with my early love, bye bye. If you don't want something to happen to yourself, don't

    spoil the broom for others.

    Sister, I would probably tell my husband don't take a second wife, let us be happy and live together, forget

    her..... I wouldn't like to live in a polygamous relationship. The majority of women wouldn't tolerate a second

    wife next to themselves; I want to be honest here. We don't live in a time of war, famine, battle etc. There

    are plenty of single men out there, I absolutely don't see the necessity for that.

    But many Muslims do it, with the consent of the Ulama. So you have to decide that for yourself, in your

    case, I would probably leave my husband( if he marries the other woman) or convince him to follow

    his duties as a family father.

    Jazakallah( it's just my opinion, I'm not a scholar and that's what I would do:)

  3. I agree with Jannah, in that your husband hasnt been fair with you at all and has been cheating on you. At the same time you seem to be a very loving and kind woman. You have some options:

    1) Explain the situation to your husband, tell him he is committing great sins and he can only take another wife if she is a true believer of the Book, but you do not want him to take another wife. You can express your feelings but can't stop him. But you can fight to retain your marriage.

    2) If he takes the other wife; you have the option of leaving him or of staying with him - you are free to choose.

    May Allah make your path clearer for you, aameen.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Dear Sister Uncertain,

    "My husband is now angry with me for contacting the girl. He thinks that I have betrayed him by making him open up and then going against him. Honestly, I didn't mean any harm. Although I thought I could live with him marrying a second wife, now I find it so hard to digest. He threw me away. He said I will never get to see him anymore and will not be coming for Eid. Someone please advice."

    Even though a husband has a right to marry a second wife, I think you should have the right to know the woman who might be the potential second wife. Did he expect to keep you in the closet about this whole incident?

    I'm sorry, maybe my attitude toward polygamy is well... anti-polygamy. Islam was sent down to limit polygamy in a time when people had several wives and concubines. If he cannot treat one equally, then he should NOT marry a second.. and this is a challenge from Allah (SWT). Secondly, she is a Hindu. Even if she was Christian or a Jew, it is not (based on some of the 3ulema and shayukh speeches I have listened to) recommended for a Muslim man to marry her because her current home is the United States -- marriage from Ahl-Al-Kitab is allowed if the higher authority follows Sharia Law/ in a predominantly Muslim nation, because she will have to adhere to Islamic Law and Muslim [social] norm.

    He says he loves you dearly and will never let you be upset again. Well, if he loves you dearly, then he would not put his desires before yours' or of Allah (SWT)'s, to be quite frank. He has neglected you and your children, and his children have the most right upon him as far as human beings are concerned.

    I would not allow them to talk, because their talk is obviously not of anything halal. He is not her husband, yet her pursues her! I cannot remember, but there is a saying (cannot recall whether religious or not) it goes like: a man should not water on another man's flower. She is a married woman, with children.. he has children of his own. Why should his children be punished? He needs to mature, and ignore the feelings of his past in order to make a future for his children and be a stable, committed father.

    This is my opinion, but the best opinion and advice is from Allah (SWT). Pray Salatul Istikhara, and insha'Allah you will be guided to the best decision for you and your family, or your husband may repent.. Allahuma Amiin.

    Love,

    Anonymous

  5. Salaams,

    I think the polygamy issue here is secondary to the fact that the ex-girlfriend is still married at this time. Bottom line is, she's off limits to him. Regardless of how you, your husband, or the ex-girlfriend feels about anything else, nothing can happen unless the ex-girlfriend divorces her husband.

    I believe this issue should be dealt with by a 'hands off' attitude by all involved until that situation changes. Your husband should tell his ex, "come talk to me when you are divorced". You should be telling your husband, "come talk to me once she's divorced". The only one who has the power right now to make anything go in any direction would be the ex-girlfriend...by getting a divorce from her present husband or not getting one.

    If she does divorce him, then a healthy discussion of whether or not he should take her as a second wife can be entertained. But until then, it's a futile topic. If the husband doesn't want to treat it that way, and wants to make something that's black and white into shades of gray, he's hurting not only himself and the ladies involved, but the children of both marriages as well. He is totally wrong for trying to get you to agree to a polygamous situation first....and THEN going to ask his ex-girlfriend to divorce her present husband. Under NO circumstances does any man have the right to ask a married woman to divorce her spouse. If the ex-girlfriend cares about him as much as she claims, she will come to her own determination of what's best for her and her children with no outside pressure. So yes, until she is divorced (by her own free will not coercion on his part), he needs to leave her alone.

  6. salam dear sister, i feel yr anguish and my tears fall 4u. I want to be v honest wih my feelings n experience, i lost my 1st love, i had 2 kds with him, now am wth my second, dnt hav kids wth him(he has frm his first) wat a mess life is. , but let me tell u something, honestly I wud do anything to get bak my 1st love, but hes married wth 3 kids n dznt want me. Listen sista dont lie to yr soul, dnt beliv or think ur in control of him, u are only in control of yr own actions, (sory, but i honestly believe u dnt really cr if he sins its mor abt u gettin wat u want) but i dnt blam u, love does cruel things to us n makes us becom ppl we dnt recognise, sista u sound like a good person dnt wait for ths guy, leave him do wat he likes, dnt question hm or her, they r not worth yr minute, sista leave them do watevr just get out of ths triangle, build yrself in worthwhile things, allow yr husband to realis wat his missing, allow him to hav a chanc to decid wat he really needs or wants, sista stay awy frm him, dnt mak it ezy for him, he tks u for granted n u certainly dnt think mch of yrslf or u wudnt b here, i wsh u luck, my prayers with u n this poem-IF U LOVE HIM LET HIM FREE< IF HES YOURS HE WILL COME BACK TO YOU IF HE DOES NOT< HE NEVER WAS YOURS FROM THE START, love n peace ws

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