How to handle husband watching pornography?
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
I am a 26 year old Muslim girl, and I'm married to a 28 year old Muslim man. We have been married for 11 months, and I would say have a very healthy and happy marriage Alhamdulillah. We knew each other for around 6 months before getting married, and after that we took the step towards marriage. He is a very good natured, nice and loving husband; and also a good person as a brother, son, and friend.
However, just 2 days ago I got to see in his smartphone that he has been watching porn and nude videos of women and hiding it from me. It's been happening for quite a long time. After seeing this I was shattered, heart-broken and feeling very much depressed. I used to trust him so much, and I had great faith in him. I wouldn’t say he ever cheated on me, nor have I seen any problem in him related to girls because we work in the same place and we are together 24/7.
However, it is impossible for me to bear with the fact that he has been watching these kinds of videos whenever he was alone, and I caught him seeing them suddenly. I am again saying he has no other problems within him, as he is a very caring and loving husband and person. But I don’t know how to act in this situation. He has promised me that he won't ever do it again. Please kindly advise me what should be done in this scenario, as I am feeling very hurt.
Thanks in advance to all of you for your kind cooperation and suggestions.
-sisterhood
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Porn is an addiction for guys, and sometimes it's hard for them to give it up. Give him so some time, have him pray, tell him how you felt about him watching porn. And mostly importantly give him what want, ask him what's the reason he watches porn? Inchallah everything will work out for you.
Assalaamualaikam
It's understandable that you feel hurt and let down by your husband's actions, but from what you've written it sounds like your husband has been a good spouse apart from this, and that you both want to stay together. So, it's important that the two of you find a way to work through this.
Alhamdulillah, he has already stated he will not repeat his actions. So, the two of you can work on that - think about how you can be reassured that he is not doing it any more, and work out a way that he can start to earn your trust again. For example, if there is a computer at home, you could temporarily move it into a public room of the house and put on parental locks to which only you would have the password (or to which neither of you have the password); he could use a standard mobile instead of a smartphone for a while; he could leave his phone unlocked at home...
The temptation is to push an issue like this to one side and hope it goes away, but it's usually best to address it early, rather than letting it grow into something bigger. When the two of you are feeling calmer, have a discussion about what prompted him to look at pornography, what role pornography had in his life, and how you can help him overcome this, as well as how he can prove to you that he is not going to do this again. Also, make it clear to him and to yourself that you do not intend to hold this against him, and that while he does need to work to rebuild the trust between you both, you will also work on trusting him and you will support him in resolving this.
Don't let this spoil your marriage, as he sounds like a great husband in other respects. Discuss the issue, express your feelings in a calm way, work together to address the problem. And remember to make time for the good things in your relationship - spend time doing activities you can both enjoy, like watching (appropriate) movies, going to the mosque, going for walks, getting involved in community projects... InshaAllah the two of you can move on from this.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum,
In addition to Sr. Midnightmoon's advice, I would suggest that he consider counselling because this may be an addiction problem. If that is the case, no matter what you do, the cure will not lie in your actions, but rather the cure will lie in his sincere efforts towards stopping this behaviour.
While you should continue to be a loving and supporting wife, make sure that you do not own his problem--as you have stated, he promised to not do this again--at the very least, he realizes and acknowledges that what he is doing is wrong. Inn shaa Allah, he can change this horrible habit.
Breaking the chains of Pornography by chanting "Astaghfirullah"
Salams,
Shaitan is devouring souls through a tool called pornography and he is taking captives by millions each day in the chains of porn, it is probably his greatest tool.
Most of us do not need any more reminders than we have already had on the dangers of watching porn, but the fact of the matter is majority of us men are finding it difficult to stay away from porn.
With pornfree streaks of 73 and 60+ days behind me,bad relapses after Ramadan, made it clear to me that the reason each time I relapsed was because the strong urges got better of me. To have attraction towards opposite sex is normal for guys, but to deal with a constant stream of excessive sexual thoughts, the need to stare and drool over girls/women's bodies on and off screen, need to fantasize sexual encounters regularly, edging with or without fantasy is far from normal.
Approx two and half months ago with unanswered questions like why someone is inundated with hypersexual thoughts I came across this site http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/sexual-thoughts
According to them the primary reason for abnormal sexual behaviour and excessive sexual thoughts is because of the influence of the devil(Satan) in the persons life and one of the remedy is chanting/reciting our creators (God) name repeatedly daily as per your religious beliefs.
This was making complete sense to me and it was like I found the missing pieces of a puzzle.
Now, Shaitan hates it when believers ask for forgiveness from Allah,as it neutralises Shaitan and his armies efforts and their grand plan of taking people to hell along with them on judgement day.
So, I started reciting 100-200 times "Astaghfirullah"(I ask forgiveness from Allah) after each fard salat everyday. Immediately I could feel the difference, the urges were diminished and in the following two months I did not feel the need to watch porn or even a nude image on any day, even the ideal felt gross,also stopped objectifying real females whenever I saw them.
Unfortunately, I became complacent and stopped the practice of reciting "Astaghfirullah"daily by the end of Ramadan and post Ramadan, the urges to masturbate & watch porn were back with a bang and I relapsed.
Past 2-3 weeks have been very difficult for me , I have tried almost everything to stop the urges like cold showers, exercise, running, yoga,doing something else, limiting food consumption etc etc, but nothing seemed to help.
Then, Allah had mercy on me,I remembered I have stopped the practice of chanting "Astaghfirullah" daily and forgot the purpose of the amal.
So after Zuhar salat day before yesterday,I recited "Astaghfirullah" for straight one hour and did it again yesterday. Alhamdulillah, the strong urges almost making me insane after Ramadan are all gone as if they have been crushed by a big rock boulder and I am feeling like a free man just out of prison. I feel like a man from whose head a huge weight has just been taken off. Insha-Allah I'll continue doing it like I did previously, chanting it 100-200 times or more after salat daily.
The lesson to learn is if some amal ( in my case its reciting Astaghfirullah daily) works for you to stay away from a vice like porn, then be regular and relentless at doing that amal, as our enemy Shaitan is also relentless and prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour
Note: Like all other dhikrs(remembrance of Allah) ,"Astaghfirullah" can be recited anytime during day and night, even when you are not in state of wudu' (ablution)[http://islamqa.info/en/8828].
Thank you for sharing your story. It is nice to hear from a male point of view , someone who went trough that faze. Inshallah may Allah swt keep you strong and overcome this situation. May allah swt forgive and have mercy upon you. I hope others take your advice.
Assalamualaikum sister,
1. Do not feel bad. Its natural for the wife to feel inadequate if she finds out that her husband has been watching porn. In almost all cases its not the wife's fault but as you will read on you will realize that you have an important role to play in helping him get over it.
The first thing you need to realize is that he like so many others started watching it in his teens and not after marriage. Once he got married he realized that marriage is not like porn and since he had gotten used to the things shown in porn he craved those. Some of the things shown in porn are haram and some are not haram. But normally wife's are not open to trying those things.
2. You need to have a open discussion with him and ask him what he likes and what he doesn't like and what you can do to help him overcome his addiction. Just this open conversation will be very much appreciated by him. Generally wives are disgusted by the thought of porn but keep your disgust aside as he probably started watching at a young age and got addicted to it. If you try to shame him into leaving it then he will just continue watching it behind your back. Initially you can set some ground rules related when he can watch and when he cannot watch. His addiction will go away slowly and will not go away immediately.
3. He is a young man with lots of energy, don't let that energy accumulate in him. Often times wive's wait for the husband to approach them but one of the recurring theme's of porn is that the female approaches the male. So in marriage when the wive's do not approach their husband on regular basis this often creates a desire to revert back to porn. Generally wive's have the attitude that whenever their husband wants it then he should just come to them, but in practice the husband needs to first court the wife and this is sometimes mentally exhausting for the husband. So if your husband hasn't approached you in 3 days then take the initiative and go to him. Even if you can't offer yourself to him then offer your hand to him.
In the end these are just suggestions, if he is a good practicing muslim and prays regularly (if not then your job is simple get him to pray regularly and by the virtue of his prayers his porn habit will drastically decrease.)
I am going to repeat myself here that if your husband started watching porn at young age then you are not the problem. He has just developed liking for sexual acts being shown in the porn videos. Now you need to be a bit adventurous and help him out in things which are halal but you might not find them tasteful. Inshallah when he sees your adventurous side he will get over his desires for the haram acts and by praying regularly inshallah his desires for porn will decrease and will eventually go away.
Finally, you are not the only one with this problem. Its a very common problem because in modern times porn is so easily accessible.
My last piece of advice to anyone who is trying to help someone get over a bad habit is to never be judgmental, and not try to shame the person into giving up the habit as that technique is rarely productive.
I have a pretty face..I'm thin
But not that sexy naked...perhaps after giving birth to 3 boys I now have stretch marks on my tummy and butt...so my husband doesn't find me attractive anymore...we are married for 21 years...he did it before...and promised to stop...but again I caught him watching porn...and as usual he forgot to delete history on Google...I've noted down all the days and times he was on, watching porn.Mornings when I would go back to bed after preparing his breakfast...he would sit in the lounge waiting for his transport to pick him up for work.8.am his busy watching porn...during his lunch break..i'll be waiting to call him because of zohr salaah little did I know that he was watching porn...some days I would call him on whatsapp and the call wouldn't go through...than I would say to myself shame my baby don't have data...but lol..he had enough data for porn...and those sites take alot of data..13.30pm...yes when I'm reading zohr his busy entertaining himself...and guess what recently he visited the doctor cardiac doctor...my husband was coughing non stop...the GP said to go for a check up...the cardiac did few test and said my husband has heart failure...only 15 % of his heart is functioning...and he now needs a pace maker...days and nights I've been breaking my head to find a solution ..because medical aid doesn't want to pay...I've been submitting documents of his test reports to who knows where...I've cried and read so much nafl salaah and quraan...and prayed to Allah for his health Allah to give him back his health...but little did I know that while I was praying he was busy watching porn ...I'm so broken up...I don't know how I'm ever gonna live a normal life with him...I can't even look into his eyes any more...all I see is his disgusting nature..other Muslim women can forgive and forget but I can't...perhaps because my husband doesn't do meaning financially he doesn't do for me...every month I get 5000rands from my dad to cover for my expenses..that's 60 000 for the year...how much can I eat..or buy personal stuff or clothing for myself..half of that goes into school fees...so can anyone tell me what am I still doing being married to a man who also doesn't satisfy me...lol with all the porn his watching at least he would be an expert in love making...well he is a zero..alot of times he would ask me did you enjoy..and I would like and say yes I did..just so I don't hurt his feelings...but I stayed married to him for 21 years....beside him watching porn he also has a bad temper..his not a good son in law ..he hardly ever comes to my parents home for dinner on a Saturday..oh yes now I know why "porn" obviously ,from the time I leave the house with my kids at 4 till 23.00pm his busy enjoying watching a man with such a big penis massive in size no lie,I happened to open one of the site he googled which he forgot to delete...and I thought to myself ..after my husband watched this did he not feel embarrassed at his own size being so small ...no wonder I don't enjoy with him ...maaf if I'm being to open and rude I can't help it.. at least here I can talk openly about what is happening to my feelings..I can't go to my mom or my sister not even his sister's I think they will die for them their brother is an angel,they don't know half of what happens in my home......just this morning I told him that I can't .. won't be able to carry on living a life with him...all he just said is that his sorry...and that his so sick and I'm blabbering all this to him now...it's been few nights now that I'm sleeping in my son's room.. luckily his out with friends...I can't even lay next to my husband anymore...I've lost.. there's no turning back..I'm not strong enough like other women to forgive and forget...I've been through hell with this man..I told him to pack up an leave ..I gave him 3 choices.. No1...he carries on watchin porn and uses his hand...No 2 ...if I continue living with him..I will just be his maid and an unpaid prostitute when he wants I must just open my legs..meantime my heart is shattered...No 3 he can go and sleep with other women and set me free by giving me a talaak..and I'm still waiting for his reply...I'm no longer and will not ever be happy...if I stay I will be miserable ...imagine going on holiday with him..and that too to suncity where all the white women are in bikini's..with perfect bodies...whats the first thing that will go through my mind..I'm sure you all know the answer to that ...please if this was offensive to any one...forgive me...
dont worry just tell him to pray to allah and read dua
ASSALAM-O-ALIKUM
I am five time prayer man and give tablig also but in free and alone time i watch porn x video .After this i feel bad and beat myself and promise to Allah never do this again .But after short or long time i do this again .I am 21 year old every one called me good man of Allah and gave me respect .i am ( Bs IT) student my study and work all on computer /laptop Internet online work when i am alone i do this in my university i have no girl friend .I have an other problem i watch english action movies.Please pray for me ............i am in tension .i known i am doing bad.but i do......................................................
If a Sister did this and her husband discovered this on her phone, I'm sure the reaction would be different and she would immediately be divorced.... Sorry but it is disgusting
I agree with you leya.
I caught my husband watching pornography 15 months after our wedding. At first, I used to be suspicious given his habit of staying up till late at a night with his laptop. Some months ago, I finally saw him watching pornography and masturbating. I feel disgusted as I write this word. I also feel betrayed and shaken to my core. And the hurt. The pain is indescribable.
It took me 3 months of crying and crying and torment and agony to merely accept what I saw. Then one day after work, I mustered my courage, said Bismillah and asked him with all the love and care I could gather if he watched porn. I didn't tell him that I saw him one night. He was resistant at first, but then he started telling me about how he came to watch from the age of 13 when he was alone at home. He is now 29. So its been 16 years! He is a very practicing Muslim and quite intelligent and a good, caring person in general. He is very respected by family members.
I quietly listened to everything he had to say. Then I asked him: what if it was me? What if I were addicted to porn? He immediately replied that he would never accept any such thing. His words cut like a knife to my heart. But I didn't cry or get upset or get angry or reject him. Instead I showered him with all the love and care I could gather. I gave him all intimacy he wanted even if I felt suffocated. I always looked at him with a smile and kept our house and myself the best I could. I am very good cook all thanks to Allah, and I made him the best of everything so he wouldnt feel rejected. I made sure he never felt belittled. I helped him with Wazifas and tasbih. I prayed for him all the time.
He has been to Hajj before our wedding and I asked him if we could go to Umrah together this year (2016). He agreed. This made me very happy. Our life was going great. I often asked him very gently if he still struggles with porn temptation and he said it was over. He didnt watch porn anymore. I was very happy and my trust and faith in him was coming back. We started planning for a baby (he wanted a baby from day 1 of our marriage). And then, around a month ago, I realized what an utter fool I have been. I had given my everything, a second time, to a man who never valued it the first time.
Alhamdullilah, I have been a brillant student at school. I have worked in top prestigious companies/multinationals. My husband is also a brillant person with a successful career, even at this young age. When we decided to start a family, I left my top-notch job so I could be a full time, stay-at-home mum for his kids. I am a very observant person by nature and I am able to notice even the slightest of things around me. Sadly, my husband doesnt realize this after knowing me for five years. He thought he could go behind my back without me noticing the changes. And he did. He went behind my back all along.
He had been lying to my face about not watching porn anymore. The truth is he is still very into porn and erotica. Only he doesnt do watch at night now. He watches in the morning when I am busy making breakfast and preparing his sandwich and other food for work.
I now realize that no amount of love or care or du'a or wazifas can help him unless he decides he wants to stop. In the meantime, I feel betrayed, dirty, ugly, suffocated. I have become slightly depressive and I have had many panic attacks and anxiety attacks lately. If my health deteriorates, I will need to see a psychiatrist and take anti-depressants. To top it all, since last week I havent been feeling well, and I think I might be pregnant. Its too early for a test. But I will take a test next week or so. Though I have a feeling I am pregnant already.
He is very happy at the notion that I might be pregnant. He has high hopes it will be a positive result. And he has no idea that I know his porn habits never stopped. He only told me what I wanted to hear. He has no idea I have been observing him and I know.
By the grace of Allah, as a couple, we have been granted everything. Great loving families, good education, good jobs, good life, a lovely house, a good looking and capable spouse. We have it all. And instead of being grateful to his Creator, he is blowing off all of it. He thinks he is very intelligent because he convinced me and he is doing as he pleases without me knowing.
If only I could make him see what he is doing to me, to our marriage. I might be pregnant, and I feel no happiness about it. I am rather afraid, insecure, unhappy. We both have always been complimented for being good looking. But today, no amount of dressing up can make me feel beautiful. I look at myself and see ugliness and sadness and loneliness. I pray and ask Allah for courage. Its all I can do. Allah is all I have. I left my parents, my world, my job for my husband's pleasure. I have never dated anyone. I have loved him from the first day and I gave him my everything. He took it all and then smashed it against my face.
This is what porn addiction does to a loving caring couple. It destroys the sacredness of a nikah. It destroys all good things and leaves you empty and shallow.
Please excuse the length of my reply. I pray Allah protects you as an individual and as a couple. For me, pornography addiction is not shaitaan influencing a man/woman. It is a man/woman giving in to his/her nafs (wordly desires). I dont know for how long I will be able to hold myself together.
So what did u do? I'm in the same situation now. Please help. I'm terribly upset.. I'm swinging between depression and anger..
My husband says everyone does it so I should just accept it, which I can't seem to do..
Things are a bit better cuz I have more time for husband and son, earlier I was studying for an exam and was terribly stressed. I never got n answer of why he does it and why he started etc I asked
Many times without being aggressive and accusatory (with the intention of understanding). I even discovered that he was chatting to random ladies on these erotica websites. It's nothing personal eg saying ur hot, I'll make u wet, we can have some fun if u drop me ur no(I'm sorry for the crude language). Personally things between us were never bad. I never refused him intimacy in the 10years of my marriage. But I still have no answers. But I can't leave him yet because he was/is my first love. If you have had any success let me know my email is *******.
Salam im going through the same thing plz can we contact so I can msg u, what happened then? What did u do about it?
We do not allow the exchange or private contact info, sorry.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Please do not post your private contact information on a public forum. We do not allow it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Im in the same situation im having a baby soon in like a few weeks and A while ago when I discussed it with him he promised me he’s gna change and will never do it again after that I saw it on his phone again n confronted him but he denied it saying oh they r just popup ads when watching movies etc he said im just always looking for an excuse to start a fight y can’t u just believe me and trust me? So i said ok im heavily pregnant and tired of fighting. And now I recently saw on his phone again in the history I haven’t confronted him im tired of it, I just want to wait and see how many times he does it and then confront him in a few months maybe. I feel hurt, betrayed that y promise me then and go back to it? I can’t go on like this always thinking about it and not being able to trust him sometimes i feel like leaving but I stay for the baby. Otherwise he is good to me but this thing is always in the back of my mind everytime i look at him that’s what i think of and anytime we do things together and it really hurts inside if only he knew. I dropped everything for him left my home country, my family my good job for him and on top of this i feel lonely here in a different country. I don’t know what to do anymore this is our first child and the excitement is going. I feel sick that he gets pleasure out of seeing other naked girls and sometimes I really want to leave and go back to my family and friends in my home country. Plz someone advise me what could i do ?
Hi your situation is almost exactly like mine. Perhaps we could get in touch to talk and support one another.
Me too, id like to get in touch. I lost my faith. Please help.
Salaam.
Im in the same situation. I am 21 and my husband in 28 we got married last year and although we have a great intimate life and I always offer myself to him as much as possible he still watches porn. Despite me begging and pleading with him to stop many times before he just lies and hides it. He calls me a control freak and a spy because now I feel like I have to check his phone at any oppurtunity to see if hes been at it again. Its killing me inside, ive been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder since this started. I also left my job, my family and my old lifestyle for him and he shows no appreciation of that. I find it difficult too as Im a revert, i dont have any muslim family to advise me apart from his and i would never disrespect him to his family. I just feel so lost, degraded and lonely.
sha why don't you take him on face n tell you know what he is doing ?Tell him you cant continue life with virtual zaani
Salam Alikum Ladies...
It seems there are many of us in the same boat. I feel your pain and I pray for us all... I personally have been trying to decide what to do about all this for the past 6 months. I am mostly between livid and numb. It is simply not a way to live. I am torn between wanting to support my husband and see him through for our family, for our kids -- and between wanting freedom from being in any way associated with this disgusting habit.
Unfortunately, now I know...just like any addiction, the urges never really go away. I have a lot of empathy for him and can forgive him as a fellow human who sins (we all sin) but I believe the level of sinning is different and sometimes just because we forgive doesn't mean we should continue to give more chances because in a way that is enabling the behavior. In my case, I have forgiven over and over again. Every time he says it will be different and I believed him. Life gets busy and raising kids is not easy so we get distracted and i always trust that it goes away. Now I realize i was quite naive. The first time I found out...was like many of you...a year or two into my marriage. At the time we had a baby together and I honestly didn't know the nature of the problem. I didn't even know it had a name or it even existed. I thought it was just pictures of women just like in a magazine. Over the following years I would also find out randomly either via pop ups or address bars and I thought they were just spam...I didn't know that they memorize your computer once you start visiting those sites. Subhan Allah I think there is truth in that the third time is usually the cut off because this time when I found out (6 months ago), it was different. In our arguments I found out there was live videos and masturbation involved. Basically that my husband has been enjoying sex without me...for 15 years...which was a huge betrayal...like someone stabbed me in the heart. Something that is supposed to be sacred and beautiful and intimate was violated. My marriage was disgraced. The person whom I thought was honest, caring and kind was suddenly deceptive and disguising. I have a lot of mawada and rahma for my husband. I always forgave him because I know he didn't have an easy childhood, and that he is trying his best to be a good man. But I almost wish I could go back and kick myself because I really never knew the reality of this sickness. I will never know how many times he did this, when, how, and where I was all along...and I am not getting any younger...meaning the chances for relapse are higher as we get older. I feel I forgave him enough times...eventhough he says now hes older (near 40) and is more mature -- I am tempted to fall for that excuse as I so want to keep our family intact but it is so heavy on my heart. I have no self respect or courage or will to go on. I too left my family, my career and gave up having any financial security just to be with him...because I loved him and had high hopes for him. I struggled through his financial problems, mental health problems, eating disorders, and other issues but unfortunately he let me down. Yet still here I am always thinking maybe this time he will change...maybe its an age issue. But honestly I am just exhausted. It is so hard to be intimate when you are thinking in the back of your head you're just a tool...and can be easily replaced. That you're nothing special...and making love is no longer special...it is just a biological need. I honestly don't know what to say. I know so many men are falling prey to this...but just like we are expected to be good pious women...we expect the same from our husbands. Truly we have no one but Allah to put our trust in. And perhaps that is the lesson..but I still need to make a decision...whether I should invest any more of my life with this person. I wish Allah would just tell me the answer because if Allah put me in his path to support him, I don't want to let Allah down. But Allah also doesn't like oppression and I have forgiven him many times. He is not my responsibility. Allah is the one who guides and only he knows whats best for us. May God make things easier on us and guide us towards the right path in this life and grant us jannah...ameen.
Another piece of advice is to seek counselling. I am a private person and never told anyone and this was a big mistake. I needed help and still do. It is emotionally damaging. It will even lead you to do things out of character...(I started talking to a gentleman online for support because i felt so vulnerable and worthless and this was a big mistake and alhamdulilah I stopped eventhough it was so hard) so be careful of the further damage that this hurt may cause. Ultimately it is a test from God for us too as everything is from Allah. Make sure that this doesn't ruin you and your relationship with Allah because nothing is worth losing Allah over...not even our marriage, social status and kids.
I would like to share a duaa that I recently learned of...that I'm hoping will help me make this decision and take me through to better days...
Allahuma idkhilny madkhal sedq wa ikhrijny makhraj sidq we ijaal lee men ladonka soltana mansoora....
Its being three months my husband has not intercourse with me and its a routine.We do hardly four to five times in a year.he is a v good practicing muslim but don't know why he is not interested in making love which makes me hurt.I am ten years younger from him.We have four kids but we do not share love for each other.
Assalamu Alaeykum Leyla sister! Please stop blaming your husband!! It is easy to say easily get rid of that habit, in real it quite difficult! You are not your huband! You dont know what is going on in his brain so. Let me try explain what could actually happen when he wants watch porn or like that! How this situation begins ? How it feels? It is like something powerful manipulator comes to your brain and forces to watch por n or think about it! It keeps forcimg everywhere in bath, bad or alone! Manipulator is here Shaitan or Evil ! They never leave you alone untill it is done ! Which is why your husband still has such a negative habit because he is too weak to withstand it! I think it takes time to stop this action Inshaallah!
Almost everything is similar olur my situation. Good looking, good jobs, good Careers..etc. it has been two years since we got married.I try everything for him but he doesn't want to stop watching them.I really want to have a child but still dont have because of his addiction.I really dont know what to do. Divorce is the only solution for me .or i will probably die because of my sadness.plz dua for me.
Fromturkey,
How is your situation now? If it is the same, then may Allah resolve you of this difficulty as soon as possible in a way that you could not have imagined, Ameen.
Hugs,
Nor
IslamicAnswers
Leave now please before having children. It will never get better, I wasted 20 years of my life, my youth in a miserable fake marriage. Only stayed for my children but feel trapped. It’s not worth it. I wish I left the moment I knew. Don’t believe in anyone who hasn’t been in this situation, they would never know.
Hi seemingly your is the same problem as mine done hate yourself! But we cant be angles! Shaitan seeks only pure people in order to spoil them! My profession is also IT. In my free time or as soon as I am alone I start to watch porn becuase I am addicted! I have tried thousand times but no luck! Though I havent lost my hope and I believe one day I am gonna get rid of it forever! Keep praying dont hate yourself! You are not actually the only one who prays and jerks off! It is our weakness! But at least we are not thief, drunkard or something the only weakness is jerking off and watching porn!
I totally understand what you went through for I experienced the exact situation. Allahul musta'an. This post was published 3 years ago but here I am, stumbling upon your post for a reason. Most importantly, get back on your feet, pray and seek Allah's Forgiveness for all of our past sins. Confide to Allah and perform the night prayer. InsyaAllah you will feel better and stronger.
It is tough but living in this temporary Dunya is never meant to be easy for us believers who strives for His Pleasure each day.
Take care.
Asalamu alaykum sister.
It seems these replies are all one sided. Let me offer an explanation from a male point of. Having been a victim myself, it is very difficult to give up. What you must remember is that it is an addiction.
Men are very aroused from the visual stimuli of t he female form, (hence lowering the gaze, and covering the awra). In His wisdom Allah has made the awra of women from head toe, and many other things like singing,make up, perfume etc.
I understand you will be hurt, but let me assure you the problem is not that your husband doesn't love you.recognising there is an issue and tackling straight on. If he says he will never do it again, he is most likely not telling the truth. This is the nature of men, there is so much testosterone in our bodies it spills over.
Ask him when he started and why he began. DO NOT use an accusatory tone as that will make him retreat back into his shell and put up a defensive wall.
You must remember the impact living in the West has on our young men.
Spend some more time with him romantically if you don't already. Grant him his bedroom right, even if u do not feel like it, even if that is twice a day plus!
He won't even have any more time on his hands to commit these heinous acts .
Finally remind him that it is a MAJOR SIN and he must repent before it is too late.
Get him to spend more time in ibada, going to the masjid, what he saw before as arousing will pale in comparison. Don't be sad sister, insha Allah it will all. Work out ok.
M: Let me offer an explanation from a male point of. Having been a victim myself, it is very difficult to give up. What you must remember is that it is an addiction. Men are very aroused from the visual stimuli of t he female form, (hence lowering the gaze, and covering the awra). In His wisdom Allah has made the awra of women from head toe, and many other things like singing,make up, perfume etc.
Are you married and have normal sex life with your wife?
Salam o Aleikum brothers sisters :
I am a convert Muslim from no muslim country. I got married with pakistani in my country 11 months ago. Made Nikka Alhamdulillah and perform salaat as with him 5 times everyday. My husband the same ignoring me at bed giving me his back qnd watching wathsapp all the time and also porn movies. I am a pretty lady caring lovable and patience with him. I treat him like king but seems no enough for him he isnt interest in having intercouse with me and i feel hes jyst living his fantasies on net. I work just and care the kids clean the house and cook for him I helped him for nacionality here in Usa marrying him. I really love him. I satisfy all desires of him according to needs and following Islam as well but now my heart is broken. I sleep like i wanna die he cannot touch me or respond to my needs. But everyday he watching erotic videos but never providing to me despite im tender and beautiful as Allah made me. I m thinking in commiting suicide feeling anxiety and sadness cos i married for forever and feeling much hurt. I think shaytan rounding my home cos he Allows it. I need help I seek refuge in my prayings but now I feel he doesnt need me no more. I dont know what to do. My husband is nice person but doing very bad things and doing haraam here there and hurting me so bad. I already talked to him but he just say no bother me or You are brainless. I wanna scape or ask my Allah pick me and bring me far from here. Salaam o Aleikum
Zara Gujjar: I am a convert Muslim from no muslim country. I got married with pakistani in my country 11 months agoay. My husband the same ignoring me at bed giving me his back qnd watching wathsapp all the time and also porn movies. I am a pretty lady caring lovable and patience with him. I treat him like king but seems no enough for him he isnt interest in having intercourse with me ....... I work just and care the kids clean the house and cook for him I helped him for nationality here in USA marrying him........ I sleep like i wanna die he cannot touch me or respond to my needs......... I m thinking in committing suicide feeling anxiety and sadness cos i married for forever and feeling much hurt. I think shaytan rounding my home cos he Allows it. I need help I seek refuge in my praying but now I feel he doesn't need me no more......... . I already talked to him but he just say no bother me or You are brainless. I wanna escape or ask my Allah pick me
Why you want to die? If you husband has no sexual interest in you, you need to go for sex therapy with him. You already got him citizenship. If sex therapy does not help you can divorce him and find another man. He has no right to insult you by calling you brainless.
Salam sister,
Allhamdulillah your husband promised to stop an apologized, masya Allah. And I am amazed at the brother journey as a recovering porn addict. May Allah stregthen his imaan which I think is the key on why some people cant control themselves and resort to watching these things in the internet.
I am a mother of two girls...age 2 and 4 and recently discovered that my husband was watching all these things on YouTube while borrowing his phone last night, the second night of Ramadan.I felt sad as this has happened before and we already talked about it and he promised he is not going to watch it again in order to be a good husband and an exemplary father .
I didnt confrnt him as it was late but he noticed I wasn't happy with him. When I told him the reason why I am upset, he got really angry and defensive. He even blame me that I havent been a good wife and were just prioritizing the kids. As a result in order not to go into a bigger fight...I had to apologize and promise to treat him better.
I did mention that everyone is responsible for their action, and we have to answer for ourselves iin the day of judgement. Sometime, I am really tired with having a husband who blames me for everything even for his own mistakes. I remind myself to be patience and am only in this marriage for the sake of Allah..
May Allah give us patience ....and may Allah show us the right path...and I really hope by being patience, Allah will be kind to us...
I love your reply because it reminds us to be patient but I'm struggling because Allah also wants us to take proper actions and make proper decisions. I cannot just pray to God for sustenance I must go work.. similarly God expects us to do the work in our marriage. We must set boundaries for ourselves or we will become emotionally traumatized and this is not the goal of marriage. Why are we being passive about such a huge problem...especially if it is persisting. You have to set a limit and be clear that this behavior will not be tolerated. Otherwise it will never go away and you will be miserable. Allah doesn't want us to be miserable and that's why he allowed divorce.
I am in the same position EXCEPT my husband said that he will not stop and he will do it again. He also yelled at me because I was looking through his stuff. He BLAMED ME for watching pornography. It disgusted me I have chest pain, I cannot eat, I feel sick to my stomach. I am heart broken. He pays for everything for me. I lost my family because I am a convert, I live in the south where people are racist, I cannot work with hijab. I was already divorced once by a man who abused and used me..... and he uses that against me.
I don't know what to do... Someone help me! I prayed to Allah and made istaqara. My only goal in this life is to make it to Janna, is a pious and loving husband too much to ask for??
I am with all of you ladies in this...I have been married for the last 10 years almost...and the same story...my husband started watching porn at a young age and he is going to be 40 soon and still he cannot quit it...we did umrah but he didnt even stop after umrah...we just came back from Hajj and to my surprise, right few weeks after Hajj, he is again watching porn (though this time he said, he is watching soft porn)...i dont know what should i do with this man...i have talked to him a million times and every time he said, he will stop but all in vain
i have been so supportive to him throughout...i am trying my best to be better every single day but he lets me down...i am the one who is earning 3x times salary as compared to my husband and i support almost 80% of the finances of our house and my husband gives me very small amount and remaining he sends back home to his parents...i compromised on this thing too...i urged myself to be patient and ask only Allaah swt for the reward...i make a lot of duaas for him that he quit this bad habit but nothing is really working...i thought that after hajj, he might change but actually i was totally wrong..in my heart, i am so sad and hurt...and i have given up on him...what makes me more sad is that he watches porn in his office during the day and then he comes to me at night...and when he is with me, i can still feel as if he is reliving what he saw...so he is actually not with me but imagining the situations/women he saw while watching porn...
i dont know how long i can keep up to this...i have 3 kids and now after hajj, i am feeling strongly that i should get divorce from him...may Allaah have mercy on us all and may Allaah be pleased with us and forgive us for our sins...Ameen
Salamu alaykum, I hope your all doing well
Look beautiful ladies and gentlemen there's no excuse what so ever don't blame the devil for your evil ways. So please don't start with that because your hold accountable. The devil is promised Hell but why are you setting yourself for failure and trying to throw yourself in there
Your the only one to blame with all my respect what's haram (forbidden) is haram (forbidden), is that not true? No doubt there's no reason to do it. What Allah has made Haram is for your own benefit. Are you not afraid? You should be a shame of yourself. No matter how much times you delete your history file or try and hide it Allah is watching you stop being so weak be a man. Be a gentlemen with good character and conduct.
It's filf dirty Discusting makes one sick. Did you know that a man looses value and respect for his mother sisters.
Actually now I have lost all respect, trust in my husband right now. If you don't stop today like right now. Very soon maliki moout the Angel of death will come and take your soul. Brother please don't tell me you want to die on that sin? For your sake Astakfilallah.
For those who are married what a shame that's so sad to hear your destroying your own relationship with your own hands. What feeling do you expect your wife have for you? Believe me she feels sick looking at you lit alone think about it! What will you say to Allah? ALLAHU AKBAR it makes me sad no we are not perfect but realize what your doing is damaging
On a lighter note you will get threw it with the help of Allah inshallah especially if you do Tawbah and don't go back on that road. Stay away from it and never look back unless you want the images to haunt you.
Now listen to your soul for a moment.. is it seeking Allahs anger and punishment or Allah's forgiveness
May Allah guide us to the right path, protect our family and forgive us for your sins and shortcoming, Ameen
May Allah's peace and blessings be upon us
Assalamu alaikum waramatullahi warabakatuhu my dear sister in Islam.
I am suffering from the same fate alhamdullilah. It has been extremely hard for me also, I feel like I a being cheated on constantly and cannot find it I myself to trust him anymore.
We have a small daughter 18 months old and have been married for 3 years, our marriage has been so bad lately and especially after I have found out what he has been doing.
He makes up excuses and treats me terribly.
I haven’t spoken to anybody about it and it is tearing me apart in side.
I have been making serious dhikr and trying to get close to allah again as my depression steared me away from my duties as a Muslim. I have been trying so hard to please my husband, making extra efforts to please him by cooking his favourite meals complimenting him and doing other permissible things. But it is not enough for him.
I’m stuck in a hard place and don’t know what to do. I’ve been asking allah to help me, and stear me in the right direction. And if allah wills he will guide my thoughts and anger.
I wish you all the best sister. I don’t really have much advice, but I don’t think we are alone in this matter.
Sisterhood xx
Assalamu alikum Sister.
Yours is the most recent post I have found. And your background story sounds somewhat similar to mine. Are you interested in getting in touch so we can wade through this storm together?
Assalaamualaikum
I'm sorry, but we do not allow the exchange of personal contact information via this website.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Please add me too we are sailing in the same boat..
Assalamu alikum
Sisters, I am in the same boat as all of you and need help.
I have read in the comments that some of you sisters have formed a support group. Please add me too. I want to discuss strategies of how to open this conversation with the husband and proceed.
Jazakallah khair
Salam. I just found out the same a couple of days ago. I'm full of anger. Disappointed. I'm thinking of divorce. What's the point to live a life with someone who has dirty fantasies? I'm not deserving this, I have done everything for him.
I feel your hurt sister. I'm so sorry this had to happen in Ramadan too. It is betrayal, injustice and opression. Know that you certainly don't deserve this and that God also knows how hurt you are. In this fragile time ask yourself how you can best take care of yourself. What can you do to feel better. Maybe it's going away or staying with family for a few days or weeks to process. Maybe its having some alone time to pray and ask for guidance. Maybe go get a mani pedi and totally spoil yourself. Maybe get together with some friends and tell them you're having s hard time (you dont have to tell them specifically). You need to set boundaries to protect your hurt heart. Go see a counselor to talk if needed. You are at risk yourself of falling into depression or anxiety so I can't stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself. Know that it does get easier and that this was never your fault. Your husband has fallen into sin and violated your trust and the sanctuary of your marriage Take time to heal before you think of what to do next. Take advantage that its Ramadan and cry out to God. He is all powerful and can fully restore what's been broken.
Salam sisters and brothers,
I'm going through the same thing. I found my husband watching porn when I was 4 months pregnant, in 2016. He promised that he will never watch it again. He admitted his mistake but would never talk about it.
Off and on, I would ask him but he said he has left the bad habit and he promises me seriously.
Yesterday while borrowing his phone, I stumbled upon some more porn. I was just crashed.
I mean, I've gone though A LOT for him. My first baby was lost at 5.5 months, then I had two other miscarriages. He lost his job in October and has been jobless ever since. He has no source of income. But he's spending on me with his savings and I chip in as well.
He doesn't really speak much (other than meaningless chatters and gossips about his friends) and doesn't really involve himself in the marriage. I do everything. He knows that and he's quite content. He tells me that lying is wrong, (e.g. If I tell him don't say so and so it may hurt that person's feelings...) but he has been lying to me ALL the while!!!! Not just that, when I found out, he kept saying that's not porn, It's just sitcoms. Then when I digged his phone further I found all the videos and he just kept quiet.
I told him I'm feeling sick, I feel that this marriage institution is not respected by him. He didn't respond to anything I say, just kept quiet. When I asked him why did he lie, he said 'you know the answer, I'm embarrassed.'
I explained to him that don't be surprised why so many barakah in our life departs like his job and our unborn babies? Because of the haram things he is doing.
Also my husband isn't the most bright person, he's constantly in a daze and lack of focus. I read yesterday that watching porn makes you have lack of focus. It's sad.
I don't know if it's worth staying anymore.
Salaam sister I’m also in the same situation finding it very hard to cope with husbands disgusting habits. Please add me on any group to get support in this matter. Jazzakallah Khair.
Hello girls. Plz add me up in the support group as well. Going through the same. Have so much to share and open my heart to some one.
Husband promised me he wouldn't do it again last year. He said it was friends sending him stuff, and in his Netflix history disgusting stuff came up - he argued it wasn't porn because Netflix doesn't have porn. This year has been important for us as we made umrah and we're in better jobs, and I felt I was trusting him more and that we were closer and enjoying each other's company more.
The other day he asked me to shut down his laptop after some folders had finished transferring to a hard drive. I went to shut it down after work but there was a dialog box saying that a file couldn't transfer because the filename was too long, I close it and another appears but this time the name is gross. I found sick porn that he had downloaded and hidden in another folder.
I sent him photos from the videos so he can't deny it and tell me I'm making it up, I deleted that folder, I let some of my disgust and hurt out in insulting him via text messages. I'm glad he's been away working since I found that but I don't want to see or talk to him at the moment and I'm not looking forward to when he returns.
Why does my marriage have such an impact on my faith? How do I detach my marriage from my faith? I don't want to pray and I don't want to make dua. I'm just making dhikr to distract my mind and hold me back from chucking his beloved laptop out the window.
I feel like everything that happens influence your faith. When my husband cheated I put my hijab on because I couldn't hold it off anymore, but my Iman became weaker (
Sister, I am in the same boat. Sometimes I am just wondering if there are any men left who does not watch stuff like that? Hubs saying he is going to do whatever he is doing, no change. And also protects his phone with his life because saying I am controling him even though leaving it out for me as a show. Every time I say hey stop watching it he is just trying to turn it on me how I mess up everything with my concerns. I love him so much but so on the edge.....
Salam sisters,
I’ve found a way to block all of it from even coming up. It depends on which internet company you have. I live in the UK and I have sky so you go onto the website and log into your account and there is a setting that you press and it says which mode you want it in (if it’s got porn then it’s 18+) or if you want you can just press options
Inshaa Allah they will stop just still make dua’a as it’s a good reflection of your kind nature
Its an addiction which must have been there before you entering his life. Its very difficult to leave it unless one gets professional help for completely getting over with this deadly addiction . Make constant dua sister and ask him to make constant taubah. I know of a person .who started exactly like you and even after 7 years it was just something going in circles. I completely understand your situation. If your husband just leaves it to make you happy, then dear gis urge to watch will attack again. How can u expect an addict to carry the pleasure drug in his pocket and not use it for his satisfaction.
He can only leave if he starts fearing Allah and makes true repentance . I pray for your strength and happiness dear. But dont feel depressed. Its not because of you.
Salaam
My situation is the same as many sisters above, married to someone who outwardly is very religious but has this disgusting habit. We have been married for nearly 9 years and i found out about this about 18 months into the marriage. I have been previously divorced and have tried so hard to make this marriage work but almost every 6-12 months i discover he is still watching porn and he also has inappropriate messages to and from other women. I have always been the main earner as i have 2 children from the previous marriage husband just gives minimum and some months nothing. I get up at half 6 weekdays go to work at 8am finish work at 4.30 cook, clean do all housework. He works 3 days a week fridays, saturdays and sundays doesnt help out with housework this can take me till around 8 at night even though he is home all day. I feel I'm not a wife but a servant. When i complain about this he says i should be patient as he is my jannah and i will be rewarded in the next life, he also says i dont have enough sexwith him that i should dress in kinky clothes which is why he watches porn. I have do dress in the clothes he likes but sometimes im just so tired and fall asleep.i have tried so many times to explain to him if he helped out i would have more time for us but he doesnt do it. I feel like he uses it as an excuse few years back it was because i had gained weight so i worked hard and lost weight now he says im always tired i have said to him im not superwoman and if he worked more days i would work less
Yesterday discovered hestill talks to other women and watches porn, im so heartbroken every time he promises he will stop then he does it i do t want to be with someone who hurts me all the time but i cant see this situation changing i have prayed to Allah to help me make the right decision. My family will all say we told you so and my heart breaks for my kids as their biological father doesnt see them or keep intouch with them. And they have grown close tomy husband Dont know what to do but i feel my love for him is disappearing
My situation is the same as many of you sisters, and I was feeling so depressed until I read all your responses. I'm still very much upset/heartbroken/disgusted, but a teeny tiny part of me is feeling relieved that I'm not the only one sailing this boat.
Same story: caught him watching it and masturbating to it almost a year into the marriage (with a baby in my arms). He apologized, I forgave him, but then again after 2 years caught him doing the same disgusting thing. This time we had a very serious fight in which I threatened to leave him, and he begged me not to go. He realized how mistake, acknowledged his addiction to it, and asked for forgiveness. I again forgave him.
But now, 6 years and 3 children later, here I am again in the same boat. And I'm really sick of it now. Don't want to look at him or talk to him or have any sort of relation with this disgusting person who isn't content with his wife. I've never rejected him, and I've even initiated intimacy many times as well. True, I may not be available 24/7 due to looking after the house and kids, but even though I'm physically exhausted I've always been open to intimacy. Many times he has told me to rest instead, since he knows all the physical work I do all day. But him resorting to porn? That is just wrong. I've given up my pleasures in exchange is raising up our kids, looking after him, cooking/cleaning, everything! And he wants to pleasure himself by looking at other women. It's heart breaking on so many levels, I can't even express. I hate him for doing this to me. I know that he feels bad for what he's done, but I'm afraid that this will never go away. He travels a lot because of his work, so what if he this porn addiction leads to something more while I'm not around? I feel like I've wasted my youth on someone who likes to watch other women.
I'm feeling a strong urge to leave him for good. I know it's anger, but I know that I deserve someone who is for me exclusively, just like how I would be to him
I'm in the same boat.. please help.. if any of you have created any group or are in contact with each other.. please tell me as well.. i really need someone to talk about it.. I'm really really depressed.. I'm not sure if i should continue with this marriage or get divorce.. please someone help.
Please help I'm in the same boat. It's only been a year since we've been married and we haven't had intercourse yet.. it's because my husband is addicted to porn and he doesn't finds me arousing.. it's porn that he finds arousing but other than that he's all good.. caring...a practicing Muslim..
But still i don't understand what is it that i should do.. after reading all the comments it's obvious that it is an addiction and won't go away that easily wether i confront him about it or not. Please someone help me.. should i keep being in this marriage or should I divorce him.. if anyone of you have created any group or any means to stay in contact with eachother to get through this, i request you please please add me as well.. i really need some good advice.. I'm really depressed.
Salam, how is your situation now?
Not sure.. i confronted him about it and he apologized but now I'm not sure whether he has stopped or he's still secretly watching it
Hi, I am going through this situation and could do with someone or a group to talk to. I am first time visiting this website. Please help?
Mugs, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we'll publish it, inshaAllah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor