I am in love with a married man, is it wrong to encourage him to leave his wife?
Dear Brothers and Sisters
I am a sister in my late 20's and have fallen in love with a married man. We are both muslims.
I met this brother through work and he never mentioned that he is married and has four kids. He was my superior. I always had a lot of respect for his intelligence, even though he would on the odd occasion flirt with me. Im quite practising and did not flirt back and ignored any comments. Apart from this one flaw, he is very kind, caring, intelligent, funny and has a lot of the qualities that i would look for in a potential spouse. However, I would always maintain a distance as I am rather reserved in nature and also I had a suspicion that he might be married as I am weary of new people especially older men. Our professional relationship blossomed and we developed alot of mutual respect and trust via business dealings...because of these qualities I began to fall for him unknowingly ( i have known him for 5 months at this point). I thought he must be single as no-one has ever mentioned a wife and kids.... The attraction grew very strong and i think he knew that i was falling for him... eyes can give away alot of emotions...a conversation followed which he prompted...and he expained that he was married and has four kids...i was shocked to say the least as there had been no clues whatsoever even though i was suspicious in the beginning i had felt 100 per cent assured by this point that he was single...he then went on to explain that he had strong feelings for me and if he was single he would have asked for my hand in marriage by now due to my qualities... he said that he could take me potentially as a second wife but that i do not deserve to be treated as a part time wife...and he insists he wants to meet my father and congratulate him for raising a good daughter.
Im so confused as he has said that he is not happy with his wife and that he has already pronounced talak to her twice, prior to meeting me but she begged and emotionally blackmailed him not to divorce her the third time. She has also given him permission to marry again as a compromise for them to stay together. He is quite wealthy but i dont know what her motives are ...as he has said that they are like chalk and cheese.
The above is not acceptable to me I would never be a second wife and have told him this, he is upset and hurt that we cant be together... and agrees that he does not want to take me as a second wife... i have explained that we cant work together any more because we will be at risk of zina... the feelings are too strong now.
Is it ISLAMICALLY permissable to encourage this man to leave his wife for me given that their marriage is dead in the water and he tells me that he is only their for the kids to prevent a bigger sin? ...so far i have remained neutral...I have left work even though I loved my job...but he still initiates contact with me, sometimes for trivial reasons which is an excuse to talk to me.. and he keeps asking me what i want to do... Sometimes i think its better for two people to be happy instead of three being miserable..I sincerely ask the brothers and sisters for objective advice , as i do not want to ruin this life and the next ...I do believe this man to be my soul mate and sincerely adore him with all my heart. I am in constant torture, turmoil and fear of falling into zina...
Another thing that troubles me is that he never told me about his wife and kids...I have concerns for the future if we ever did end up together what if he does the same to me? His argument is that he is a private person and he never asks ppl in the workplace about their personal lives...and he only told me his marital status when it concerned me...
-Good intentions
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Salaam sister.
Sister there are a lot of complicated untruths that seem to be shown in this story. Please read it again with an open mind so InshaAllah you will see. First of all by him admitting feelings to you while he is married says a lot about his character. This is disrespect to his wife dear sister and will ultimately mean disrespect to another wife as well. Of course if we followed Islamic guidelines and avoided such free mixing we wouldnt be in such situations, however sometimes feelings to arise between you and someone you work/study with. I have been there dear sister so I know how awkward it is to have feelings for someone who you can't avoid. But the minute someone goes and says 'I like you' you've crossed a very dangerous line. Alhumdulilah that never happened with me but dear sister there is still a way to get out of this mess even though you have crossed that line.
Stay away from him
Change your contact details - to prevent him from contacting you.
Dear sister, he is married, and it doesnt matter if he has a 'bad' marriage, he is still married. He has four children! And usually it is a typical lie men say to convince women into zina. Please wake up sister and don't fall into this trap!
"he then went on to explain that he had strong feelings for me and if he was single he would have asked for my hand in marriage by now due to my qualities... he said that he could take me potentially as a second wife but that i do not deserve to be treated as a part time wife...and he insists he wants to meet my father and congratulate him for raising a good daughter."
This is pure charm. If he had good intentions he would:
- Not been flirting around with you.
- Certainly not had approached you directly. If he would have he would have asked for your fathers number.
- Not be disrespecting his wife this way by slandering/backbiting about her.
OK so if you were his wife now and you and him were having a bad marriage and he was behaving the same with another girl the way he is with you, would this be acceptable?
Dear sister dont let 'lust' and 'love' cloud your logic. The concept of a soulmate doesnt exist if its someone who is married.
"I'm so confused as he has said that he is not happy with his wife and that he has already pronounced talak to her twice, prior to meeting me but she begged and emotionally blackmailed him not to divorce her the third time. She has also given him permission to marry again as a compromise for them to stay together. He is quite wealthy but i dont know what her motives are ...as he has said that they are like chalk and cheese."
Why are you confused? It is simple, these are downright lies and they're common ones married men use when they are trying to convince someone to stay. He will not leave his wife, and I doubt very much that they are having problems. This is just an excuse for him to stay married and also have a woman on the side. (I know you have not Alhumdulilah committed zina but these things slowly lead to it). Also I doubt a woman would be so happy to freely agree to polygamy like that. She is probably unsuspecting of anything.
"Another thing that troubles me is that he never told me about his wife and kids...I have concerns for the future if we ever did end up together what if he does the same to me?"
There is a real likelihood of this. May Allah swt save you from this.
I am sorry if my post was harsh I just hope that you can see more clearly now. You did the right thing by leaving you job, no matter how difficult it was.
"Sometimes i think its better for two people to be happy instead of three being miserable."
Be aware that you are only seeing one angle of the story. You know only what he has told you. Just because you are honest, doesnt mean others are. You should be questioning his motives and not hers. Chances are 1 person is unaware, 1 is lying and another has believed the lies.
You deserve so much more than this guy dear sister. You are free single and trying to do the right thing. Don't throw that away. Don't interfere in his marriage. Find someone in the Islamic way who is single, and who will be respectful towards women and in his manner of approaching you. A man like this will InshaAllah bring you closer to Islam, and will love and cherish you rather than going behind your back. So change your contact details, be strong and don't fall into the soulmate trap. Save yourself from the lure of this guy before its too late.
Sara
iSLAMICANSwers.caom Editor
Although reading it like after four years. but i strongly support your points. stronglyyy!! i have had the very same issue. and i am gonna do the very same thing as you have mentioned above.
Me too. This is spot on advice. My husband used the same tactic - lied about me and told the other woman he was divorced in order to have a fling, and carried on behaving normally with me too. Typical behaviour of a corrupt husband, just like the man the sister has described! Hope she took the advice and ran a million miles from him!
N/B pls am using my mobile phone to send this advice, so there would be no paragraph what so ever on this post.. . . . . . . . Firstly, it would be wrong for you to deceive or tell him to divorce his wife in other to marry you.. If both of you really have the feelings for each other, why not marry him as a second wife? What's wrong with that? Alot of men (i know of) have 2, 3 or 4 spouses and they are leaving pretty well and in peace. It all depend on him sister, whether he is man enough to handle two wives or not. Whether he would maintain justice between the wives or not.. These are the main issues that need to be tackled. You know, if he's wealthy enough, he can house you in a seperate apartment in a different area/city from the first wife, give you all what you need, love you and take care of you as a husband should do to his wife, you won't even have the feelings or the acknowledgement that you are shearing your husband with someone else.. You Know, you are in your late twenties and time is not by your side now,, you really dont have to miss-use the upportunity you are having now. Because if you miss this, you dont know when again you may grasp such upportunity again -{i mean upportunity of having a marrigeable man with such good qualities you listed and always ready to get married to you}.. Since you are in your late 20s and a very conservative muslimah who maintains her moral values and never commit zina, i sincerely assume that you know how hard it is to find a potential partner as a spouse.. Looking at good muslimah like you, idealy its not your wish that you are still unmarried at this age of yours. I know you ve been patiently and seriously searching for the right man for years now. So sister, think critically with you mature mind before taking any decision. . . . . . Your brother in islam.
I agree with bro Mohd that marriage is important. But even if you are in your late twenties, you still want to marry the right brother. There is no use worrying about time and jumping into marriage with someone not suitable. Yes it's much better option then risking zina, but honestly do you think you want to marry someone like him. It's your choice ultimately but I advise you to run far away from this man. He may be bluffing, as some men say they want to marry you to get you to trust them - and make excuses so you slowly move towards zina. If you do decide to marry him as second wife and he agrees, do everything the proper way. Don't be alone with him - encourage him to consult with his wife etc. But it will probably cause a big headache and distress to his children so beware.
Sara
Islamicanswers.com Editor
I doubt you or he started working in the same place inorder to meet each other... I doubt the Messenger of Allah started working with our mother Khadijah with the intention of marrying her.
But when you work closely with people you begin to learn about them and you see qualities in them that are admirable. No one is an angel - no one is perfect.
The feelings have grown...
I dont think its right that men and women work together where thet mix freely - but that is the norm in the west, so thats that.
Anyway, if his wife really has given him the go ahead to marry again - the what are you waiting for?
Marry him and be his second wife - if you truly believe that you like him as a person - love my dear is rare and often we think we are in love when its something else a void in our relational needs possibly security, passion etc...
so clarify in you what it really is...
Polygamy is a sure answer to most of the issues of society we must accept this - the ummah is definitly a sleeping giant and will arise oneday in all its glory - and polygamy will play a major role in that...mark my words..
I have had two posts come into my inbox - and as far as im concerned both are easily solved through polygamy/polygyny, so we either jump on the train of the islamic revival - that icludes everything in the quran and not selecting those parts that suit us like the jews- or watch the train leave without us.
your options...
a. stay well away from him and have no more contact and ask your family to find you someone asap.
b. stay away from him and have a mahram contact him and find out exactly what his situation is, if he can really manage two wives and be supported by both wives then you marry him and share him and help him maintain his first family - And Allah will reward you with good in this world and the next ameen...
(often people think if a man is man enough he can manage, well our beloved prophet had issues managing his wives, until Allah interceded and gave the wives an ultimatum after which they fully supported him).
c. Or you lure him into marrying you and steal another woman and children's security -
(which by the way has become common practice - still another reason to support polygamy, women outnumber men by 4:1 in the west and of those men some are gay and most are non muslim and too many are bad mannered - so a good man is definitly a rare breed - you find one you keep a hold of it with all you got - or you allow someone to share with you -- or someone steals him away from you.)
Thank you for your advice Bro, I did sincerely think of the bigger picture when contemplating polygamy and wanted to be part of the islamic revival and do my bit for the ummah...
However, its a shame when muslims make it near impossible for me to hold on to my imaan ....their tools of the shaytaan and achieve what the shaytaan cant achieve by himself. This married man really shook my faith, something the shaitan could not even do.
He deceived me about his situation if you see my update below, if he had been honest i would have been his second wife by now.
Salaam sister! Run as fast as you can! He will never leave his wife! He would have left her if you were that special to him. Why be a second wife? Ask for his wife's number so you can hear it from her about giving him permission to take in second wife n see what kind of excuses he'll give you about giving you her number. Lol...There are other fishes in the sea. Insha allah, may Allah SWT give you the strength to move forward with your life. Ameen.
Safiya... I can conclude that you are one of this three, either you are already a mother and married to a husband and thus your mind is at rest, or you are just a teenager or in your early 20s and thus you dont know what it looks like for a conservative muslimah seriously searching for the right man for so many years (since marriage is not your priority now).. 2ndly it's not the right thing for the man to divorce his 1st wife just because he wanna marry the woman in question- he can take her as a 2nd wife if he really loves her. This way the 1st wife would not be hurt (since she's already given him permission to take a 2nd wife) and there would be justice btw the wives.. And lastly, this woman calling the 1st wife to question her etc would sound immature, let the man himself meet the 1st wife and settle everything himself.... My advice for 'good intention' is, if you finally agree to be his 2nd wife, make sure your apartment is far from whear the 1st wife leaves- if not in different areas or cities,, the reason for this is to aviod curels, jealousy, fighting, exchanging bad words etc. If he threat you well this way, you won't have the feelings that you shearing him with someone
you see your only looking at it from a male perspective if he was a good Muslim man he wouldn't of flirted with her its just disgusting and disrespectful to the first wife. I mean how would you feel if your wife did that to you?And he didn't even mention that he had a wife and kids to her until she fell for him.
you are not in the brothers position so you can't say that he shouldn't have a divorce!
Assalamualaikum ,
Dearest Good Intentions,
Firstly I pray that you find the strEngth to make the correct decision. I can understand your words and your feelings. I will go with Sister Sara. May Allah (s.w.t) give her reward and more wisdom to help others.
What I understand from this situation is this is only the one side of the story . You are not sure if the situation is the same as this man says. I think you are really Mashallah wise enough to take the correct decision . You deserve someone who is only yours. I feel this will bring loads of heartache to both the parties more and more with time . As we are all humans and all those feelings are inevitable . Then again of you wish to do so then make it all public and understand the situation perfectly before you marry him.
Forgive me if I hurted you by my words . I'll pray for your happiness , Imaan and health.
Masalaam
Muslim
Salaam Brothers and Sisters
Thank you for your sincere advice, may Allah bless you all.
I submitted this question three months ago, alot has changed since then. Let me say that as a muslim woman growing up in the west from a liberal family, the fact that i was even considering polygamy was a revelation even to myself! I think muslin men often forget that polygamy is a safeguard for women more so than men. The Prophet (pbuh) married muslimahs that he didnt find attractive but to preserve the dignity of the ummah. In today's society its not used for noble causes but to satisfy lust and carnal desires.
I sincerely loved this man and it was not lust from my part, he is average looking it was his personality and his personal qualities. It dawned on me that I loved this man when one day he was upset about somebody double crossing him on a deal and it broke my heart to see him upset, that's when I knew.
I considered polygamy at the time I thought he is being honest about his situation and on some level even restored my faith in muslims again due to his lack of greed in business dealings and honesty. Also, it is a sunnah so as a 'good catch' i was contemplating to forego my own ego and embrace his 1st wife as a sister in islam and his children. Inshallah i will receive reward for my sacrifice by way of intention. By the grace of Allah (swt) i never told him this and waited till I was 100% sure as my family would never willingly agree to this, esp as I receive proposals from single muslims.
After I left work he continued to pursue me and proposed several times and wanted to meet all my family, esp my dad to formalise the proposal, I do not doubt that he wanted to marry me and he was against meeting in private. He told his mum, wife and sister, I started to receive cryptic abusive messages from his sister. He dismissed this and in my mind i thought is this man really strong enough to handle polygamy if he dismisses his sister's behaviour?
During this difficult period I received a proposal from a family friend in Holland, I felt guilty and it is the sunnah to contemplate one proposal at a time and not double deal. So I told him straight away that this is the situation, again he was really hurt and I think he knew that my father would not willingly agree to him and together with his sister's interference and coupled with my serious doubts if he could handle polygamy(this was the main reason), we left it on Allah (swt). Ever since I have known him I have always encouraged him to try and make it work with his wife, the attention and the energy that he directed towards me to give it to her, as she has rights over him not me and that polygamy is not ideal.
I decided to not pursue the proposal in Holland as he was not practising, the married man kept contacting me on a daily basis under the pretence of asking for business advice. I asked him to delete my number and leave me alone on a few occasions, the message finally got through and we were no longer in touch for a couple of weeks which felt like an eternity. There was not a day that did not go by that I did not think about him or pray for him every few minutes. Maashallah Allah has made me a strong woman in control of my nafs and I thank Allah (swt) from the bottom of my heart for this blessing. I wished him and his wife the best and i had no ill feelings and overall I felt more positive about the experience as I felt that I grew as a person and my heart is big enough to accept another woman.... and I value Allah's law over my ego. Also i still had respect for him as everything that he told me was the truth, his mum told me that he only married his wife as it was his dad's dying wish for him to settle down before he died..
However, Allah(swt) works in mysterious ways.... and reveals what people try to conceal. I was speaking to a mutual ex work colleague and she mentioned out of the blue that he had recently had a baby and had 6 kids not 4! I was shocked, hurt and angry at the sheer deception, this man that i admired and respected had been deceiving me all along and was treating me like some business deal, making himself look more presentable and attractive. He denied his own flesh and blood for me! I have nothing but disgust for him. I rang him and told him what I knew, and asked him why he showed me no mercy with all his ploys...he said that he did not want to hurt my feelings, how could he tell the woman that he loves he is having a baby with a woman who is his wife in name only, he confessed that he met me when his wife had just got pregnant. He apologized but the damage is done.
It did not wash with me and all I see now is a weak man and I have had a lucky escape, Allah showed me this... I think cos i was feeling guilty about moving on or even having relations with my future husband. Allah (swt) knows best.
Salaam sister,
I am sorry to hear what you have been through. Its horrible to be betrayed by someone you love, whatever your situation. Admittedly I am slightly biased and maybe this man isn't the typical evil man after a girl to get her to do zina. Maybe he hasnt got very bad intentions. But regardless of intentions there are gold standards which should be followed and lines which should not be crossed. It was wrong of him to confess his love, speak to you in such a way, and whether true or not he should not have told you such intimate details of his marriage. So even if he sincerely loved you and had good intentions it was the wrong way to go about it and it shows lack of good character. One slip up is one thing but persistently chasing a woman while married is wrong. Period.
I am sorry to be harsh but it is important not to sympathise with him. There is nothing to feel guilty about by saying no to avoid displeasing Allah swt. In fact we should be proud and realise Allah has saved us and thank Allah.
Anyway dear sister I am digressing.. Alhumdulilah that you have been strong and even kept your feelings in check.
"It did not wash with me and all I see now is a weak man and I have had a lucky escape, Allah showed me this... I think cos i was feeling guilty about moving on or even having relations with my future husband. Allah (swt) knows best."
You did have a lucky escape Alhumdulilah Allah saved you. I pray Allah swt eases your pain, and replaces your loss with a pious loving husband who will honour and love you and many things which are much better. Try not to let this affect your future marriage. It's not worth it.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you sister Sara
Your words have brought tears to my eyes, and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for advising me. Allah sends his mercy via ppl, a kind word and sincere advice, so thank you.
I dont want to paint a misaccurate picture, he never said that he loved me outright but he said that he wanted to marry me and what did i think of this? (his wife had given him permission to marry again). I dont want to make out he was some monster or he was just after physical relations, he never wanted to meet with me in private and i admired him so much for this quality. I really do believe he lacked that companionship that he so desperately wanted, men have emotional needs too.
It was not the fact that he hid his youngest from me it was the deceit and ommission of the truth that hurt like knives to my heart and the abuse from his sister when i was already depressed. I can no longer trust him, so I have no future with him. I dont even hate him, I feel pity that he has made a mess of this situation too now and he has no real peace. Mashallah he has a new addition to his family and he should not deny his child to anyone, that baby needed him more than i did and is a blessing and mercy in his home.
I pray that you too and all the brothers and sisters on this page who advised me with sincere intentions attain the best in this world and the next. Ameen.
onething im sure of, is that the prophet [saww] CURSED on many occasions, the person who comes inj between a husband and wife, who splits them up.
Dear Brother Abu Az-Zubayr
The thought did cross my mind.... I am only human... he said he was only in the marriage for his kids and was deeply unhappy... it doesn't make sense to me to stay in a marriage if you are at risk of commiting zina. Do you fear ppl or your creator?? Shirk is unforgiveable.... divorce is disliked by Allah but it is not a sin, whereas zina is.
If you read my post back you will realise that I actually tried to go down the polygamy route and tried my best to help his 1st marriage, but now i feel sorry for his 1st wife and no longer trust him.
divorce is liked by Allaah on some occasions, like if a man has a disobedient wife, who is stuborn, divorce is an obligation on the husband if he has a wife who doesnt pray, who drinks, doesnt wear hijab etc.
divorce is hated by Allaah when it is done by the husband out of impatience, or for minor other reasons whilst he has an obedient believing wife..
why do muslims keep saying devorce is hated by Allaah.
that is a weak narration as 'Allaamah Muhammad bin Naasir Al-Albaani [ may A l l a a h have mercy on him] has mentioned.
i would advice you to say hasbi-Allaah and leave the man.
Allaah is sufficient for you.
Also he misrepresented himself as a single man for 5 mths, i fell for him assured that he was single, he has caused me so much unnecessary pain, i pray to god that no one has to go through this. All i was trying to do was fulfil half my iman as my parents are open minded enough to accept my choice of partner.
Does that mean he invalidated his nikah by not announcing it in the public domain?? One of the conditions of nikah is that you must announce it?
Assalamualaikum ,
Dear Sister good intentions ,
I am so sorry and felt so much pain in my heart seeing your feelings and what you went through. I don't know about the Islamic point of view of this nikah thing but I just wanted to say don't feel stressed. Many of us have suffered the some what same thing . But Mashallah you are the lucky one to realize that Allah (s.w.t) made you escape him and he protected you. And Mashallah it made you Imaan grow.
I do feel so much of the pain and yes Sister Sara is right . You shouldn't sympathize so much with him. I did this mistake too and regretted it. It brought so much heart ache to me.
Mashallah you are strong to recognize all the signs and do the right thing. Just take good care of yourself , keeP your Imaan and connection with Allah (s.w.t) strong . Take care of your health . And may Allah (s.w.t) give you happiness and a pious husband InshaAllah .
Masalaam
Thank you sister Muslim for your reply, may Allah (swt) bless you and I hope that it all worked out for you now?
I am over the situation. I only updated in the hope my story would act as a deterrent. It would make me happy if anyone can learn a lesson in my story, be it a brother or a sister inshallah.
If brothers do want to enter into polygamy then always be honest with the sister, breaking a sister's heart or robbing her of her trusting nature is no laughing matter, a lie may take care of the present but it has no future. One day you may have a daughter, imagine how you would feel wiping away her tears, it would break you in half.
For any sisters who may find themselves in my position do your homework, make sure the 1st wife is on board, ask the brother why he wants to enter into polygamy, if you suspect it is lust then stay well away, such a man is still emotionally stunted and does not appreciate what love is and more than likely when you marry he will have satisfied his lust and looking for wife number 3.
Assalamualaikum Dear Sister good intentions,
I'm happy to hear that you are out and over your situation Mashallah . My Situation was a bit different . It was monogamous and was finished after the guy's marriage according to him which he did for his dying father's sake and then just before having a baby he started emailing me for being with him either way just like that or a second wife an denying that there's a baby at there home whom he has adopted . Allhamdullilah I didn't talk or reply him but just like you I was terrified and thanks Allah (s.w.t) for Saving me from someone who can deny his own flesh and blood.
Allhamdullilah by Allah(s.w.t) will and the editors of this site and my family I got over it. Now I most of the time make my connection with Allah (s.w.t) more strOng. I feel it was because I emotionally depended on him too much but now I understand that the most important emotional bonding should be with Allah (s.w.t).
If we are strong in our faith and Imaan and always rely on Allah (s.w.t) we will succeed. No matter how much we suffer in this world our hereafter will be beautiful inshallah .
I too feel good and healed talking to others on this site.
I hope you too are more strong , Wise and in the best state of Imaan now. Mashallah Allah saved you and me and may He save all the Muslim ummah . Ameen
Take good care,
Masalaam
Assalamualaikum ,
Dearest editors of this site I'm so sorry for bothering you but could you please delete my name in the end from my comment and Sister good intention's reply.
I wrote it accidently and i'm afraid of someboby knowing my identity .
It was my fault. I'm so sorry and will take care next time.
Hope you do the editing soon inshallah .
JazakAllah .
Masalaam
sister you have been through a lot that man that was leading you on should be ashamed of himself for being so disrespectful inshallah I pray that you find a good single man.
Salam. Just wondering whats so wrong about marrying for lust? Men and women have different natures. Men are lustful. They go on attraction. If that is not true then why do women have to cover up and not men? Women are more in control of their lust. Women on the other hand in nature prefer security. Which is perfectly fine. I just don't see a problem if a brother is lustful and wants to marry another wife to satisfy his desires in a rightful manner whilst gIving his wives their complete rights. And because men in their nature are lustful does not make them bad.
I'm glad the sister is happy with her decision and I'm sure she will be rewarded with a better proposition inshallah for her patience. It's very admirable what you have done and how you have handled the situation. It's not easy to control our nafs in today's society. Esp when there are hundreds of obstacles to just get married.
You honestly think marriages based on lust will be successful? A God fearing person would control his lust rather looking at women other than his wife.
Would you like it if your sisters and daughters were the object of a married man's lustful gaze? Can they be second, third or forth wives of married men who want a cure for their lustful desires?
i am in a relationship with a married man but his wife lives in a different country to where we both live what shall i do shall i continue with this relationship yes or no??? and he claims that he loves me a lot and wants to married me but i dont want to be a second thing. he also claims that he doesnt like his wife the one that lives in a different country comparing to us two. is this wrong continuing being in a relationship with a married man. is this allowed in Islam?
It is Islamic law
Unmarred woman can love a married man and get married ,to save from haram
I don't think Islam encourages single Muslim women to fall in love with married men. It is not an Islamic law.
hi, i am in relationship with married muslim man as well. we are already planning to get married without his wife's knowledge. he is working in a different country outside from where his wife and kids are living but every year he will come home to them for a vacation. he said he doesnt love his wife but he still sleeps with her whenever he is home. it hurts so much knowing he is still touching her. he said he doesnt have a choice he has an obligation to her because she is still his wife. i know i dnt have the right to complain about it but it breaks my heart. i am really not sure if i will be able live in situation like this that i will have to share him with another woman.
Sister please don't marry him your life will be a miserable plzzz you still have time you deserve someone better then him for your sake don't
Even after reading this seven years
IAM stuck in this kind of situation as well, I knew him from 2013 and he got married in 2016 he didn't told me I loved him from the beginning, and when I came to know this through his wife when she saw my msg and told me that he's married and IAM his wife I was shocked and that was the worst time of my life I didn't knew what to say, then he texted me and abused me that you talk to my family and told things about us I said I didn't said anything your wife abused me he denied and said she's not my wife she's my cousin she crazy this that....
Now when I came to know everything that he's married he had a son I promised his wife that you shouldn't be worried from my side now because IAM not going to ruin your family or talk with your husband.
But his husband didn't stop talking to me he said I love you and I can't leave you I told him several times that plzz don't do this but he said I will marry you and I will love you this that ...
As I still love him alot I love his son and I repect his wife IAM taking a step and trying to off all my contacts because otherwise I will not stop talking to him because I loved him before his marriage
Why man do that. (Plz don't come up with a answer ' why you get involve with him then' IAM not asking for any help or anything I only ask help from Allah just telling other girls plz beware don't rush in if a guy even say that he will marry you and made you his second wife your life will be a miserable!
Asssalamualaikum sister.
I read about your story...
Your story is about a man and two women...
U said about your feeling and your love side....
What about the other women....
In your whole story you may be right...
That man may be right.... But may be... And the only one who is right is his wife.... Who is staying with her husband and kids.... Giving him repeated chances to improve...
For a Muslim women to take a divorce and move out with the 4 kids is not simple....
No man wants to marry a divorce women with four kids.... That women can leave her husband because he love you but not her children... Bcoz you love only her husband not his children... The major drawback is we never accept the truth...
The truth in your story is that the man cheated you..... And his wife.... And spoiled both women life.... How much he is guilty to you double he should guilty to his wife
Marriage is much beyond love... Like and lust....
It has its own importance...
Every couple has problems in their marital life.... They fight ...patch up...but it does not mean that they should have extra marital affair....
If your love is true.... Asked that man to confessed in front of his family and his wife family and married you with all respect and rights that you deserved....if can't do this he deserved nothing.... You will not get happiness in some one tears....
Asalamu alaikum..
dear brothers and sisters, i am that guy on the flip side. How do i even start, i have been married for about 4 and a half years now, i am self employed and it has been good and bad and my wife has stood with me thru it all. before getting into that, i was not forced into marriage however i was around 27 and i felt at that time i will never find true love so when i met her, i did like her a lot but it was mostly as a person, when it came to the attraction i was not 100 percent, i always felt like something is missing. in saying all this i just ignored love and from day 1 in my marriage, when it came to intimacy i felt like running away. This has affected me as i ended up doing some wrong which i sincerely hate and ask for maaf, i wont go down that road but my point is i just could not feel anything when we are intimate. She is 1 of the best people i have ever came across and i know she will do anything to make me happy and i feel horrible about what i am about to disclose. About 6 to 7 months ago, i was on a flight and i saw someone that really took my breath away, i ended up approaching her and giving her my business card which she reluctantly took, however after a while she did text me to ask what i wanted and was cheeky about it. During this time, my life was just normal which is not bad, just work and back etc etc..my marriage is fine but its like there isnt anything more, my wife wanted children since day 1 however i just felt i didnt. so coming back to the new person, i told her everything about me excluding the fact that i am married which was eating me up and it started affecting me for not speaking the truth and building someones hope, i took it lightly at first but within a short while, i couldnt stop talking to her or wanting to be near her. Then Allah made her find out the truth on her own and she asked me if there is something i wanted to tell her, i just knew in my heart that she found out and i said yes and i am sorry co i didnt know how to tell her, yes i lied from the start, its my fault and i take full responsibility. however by this time, we both have fallen for each other like little kids. i have been telling my wife that our intimacy is affecting me and how i feel, its easy to say lust which every man feels in general but the closeness of 2 people when you should be married and having these moments should be priceless. my wife does not want to listen to anything, she feels its just a phase, now i am totally in love with this other person and i am being unfair to everyone, i do not know what to do. i feel like jumping off a cliff. yes it was wrong for me to walk up to a girl and do what i did, how can one explain an emotion only until you experience it, you will understand. this new girl is so broken and shes tried to walk away, her entire family knows about me, her mom told me to please leave her alone coz it is affecting her so much and i felt so hear broken. even though we both tried many times to just stay away, we end up back in contact. it has affected my work, my stability and all my emotions. i do not have children, but i have respect and what will people think of me, if i walk away from my marriage, how do i explain this to her family? i cannot be with your daughter coz we do not have intimacy ? i cannot walk away by also breaking her heart with that reason she will be destroyed for life. she will never accept another woman in my life nor would this girl want to marry me if i am married. yes i was wrong and everyone will want to kill me here or be vulgar but trust me, its better to just be alone and not hurt anyone than be in this situation. i am afraid of walking away from my wife based on the fact that she will not just leave and the fact that it seems like its not a good enough reason to walk away. my marriage is more of a good friendship than anything else. i did speak to her and tell her how i feel and maybe we should take some time off to decide what is best, the roof came down... i just had to change the whole thing and keep quiet. I Love this other girl, we have such a deep connection, i cannot even explain, shes also been through so much with this and i just feel stuck. if i tell my wife i met someone else, i am afraid she will hurt herself coz she said she would just by talking about how i feel. yes you get blinded and you just do things without thinking, after all that i am here and i want to spend my life with this new person but i am feeling so hurt about hurting my wife. i dont knw what do.
Salam all,
I am a non practicing Muslim woman. Once I used to pray 5 times. Now I am trying to do it again. My problem is, I met someone over Facebook. I am a divorcee with 2 kids. He is a married man. He respects his wife and loves too. But we chat over Facebook day and night. He is in a very respectable position. He never said anything bad to me. Due to his strong character started liking him. Initially I took him as a friend. But i know he too likes me and loves me. But he doesn't say it clearly. Only once he said it. Then he said "I cannot do anything right for you. But i will be there". Now he does not admit it. But he shows his jealousy and affection. Am in so much pain. May Allah forgive me. We only met once for dinner. We don't even talk over phone. He told me that if we meet we cannot return home. He will leave his home. So avoids meeting me. He has a strong character which I respect most. O Allah what can I do? I am in so much pain. I love him. But i cannot be his 2nd wife or he too cannot do it.
Is there any solution that he can be mine?
Salam alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu. Presently I’m going through the same situation . I am 27 years and so confused . I met this man when I went for an interview to work for a company and he happened to be one of the people who would interview me .He engaged in a conversation with and told me he would like to match make me with a brother if I don’t mind , he never hid the fact that he was married from day one . He gave the brother my contact and called me to tell me he has given the brother my contact . He calls me to check up on me and all and sometimes we talk for a bit about work and other things (not intimate) then he stopped asking me about the brother that he tried to match make with me (I wasn’t even connecting or interested in the brother) he started calling me everyday and I got to know him better ,then I started liking him so much that I wasn’t given any other person a chance . He finally said he would like me to be his second wife but he doesn’t tell me anything about the first wife . Recently she gave birth to their second child (he never told me for once that she was pregnant with their second child ) he just called me and told me Allah just blessed my family with a baby girl and I was shocked . His excuse what’s that the pregnancy was her personal business and he doesn’t think he should’ve told me . I have two other suitors , one has been really persistent and on my case, doing everything he can but I just don’t feel anything and not interested, the other suitor is a widower who lost his wife during child birth . (I have also shown this brother I’m not interested because of the obvious , I’m in love with this married man and I don’t even think he is financially capable to handle two wife’s for now . Severally he has told me he can’t wait to Marry me and be with me forever . I’m getting pressured from my family and friends . Suitors are coming and I’m rejecting them . I don’t even know why or what I’m waiting for . I’ve done my istikahar several times .
It might be hard for a female to get herself over with the feelings of a man she loves. So you love this guy and I respect that. But I don't think he seems to be the man with whom you could live an ideal life. First of all, he would hide the marriage from his first wife. Initially, you might be fine with it but over time, you would start feeling jealous of your co-wife because he might be spending more time with her, or you might be agitated at the simple fact that he is caring for her. Now, that's his duty. He has to do it. Secondly, the second marriage would also be an issue for his wife and his children when they come to know of it. They would think of you as a home-wrecker. Remember in this patriarchal society, no one puts the blame on men; all fingers are pointed at the devilish shenanigans of corrupt women. You wouldn't want to be addressed like that in the future. It is also unethical to do a secret marriage.
So, my advice would be to adhere to Islamic rulings which state that a man and a woman, who are unrelated to each other, should not talk until or unless it's an emergency. Look where this free opposite gender interaction has landed you. You are in a spot of bother. But don't worry, you'll come out of it once you start thinking dispassionately. While you are infatuating with this man, think of the consequences. I can certainly say that physical attraction dies out in the marriage pretty soon. In all likelihood, you wont be happy with him because of the problems. Cut your contact with him and do not talk to him as it's also unIslamic and a sin. You can consider other suitors (other than these two) and ask your parents, friends and family to find someone for you.
Also, never compromise on your love and feelings. If you don't like someone or do not feel physically attracted to them, never ever marry him. It's unfortunate that this guy whom you have started developing feelings for is already married with kids, and is seeking a hidden marriage. If you enter into a marital union with him, the chances are it's going to be slippery slope. The relationship might slip any time after the 'honeymoon' period.
The most important takeaway from this entire episode for you is to be watchful of the dangers of interacting with non-mahram men even if you aren't talking anything bad with them. Feelings are blind but they eventually make their way into our hearts. Make a strong intention to abide by Islamic rules in the future and if God blesses you with children, inculcate true Islamic values in them. Prayers!