Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am married to an addict

Salam

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I need some good islamic advice regarding my marriage. This is my story;

I have been married for a few years and have one daughter. Soon after the marriage discovered husband was a cocaine addict. Living with an addict is like being tortured slowly, I knew that he desperately needed help and he also genuinely wanted help as he did not actually enjoy the addiction (he had side effects of psychosis & hallucinations when he used). He went to rehab and then relapsed after 3 months.

Then last year he went to rehab again. Everything was going well, alhamdullilah, until: part of his recovery programme is to complete the 12 step programme. This is basically going through each step with honesty. Step 4 consists of writing about sexual experiences that have harmed other people.

By the grace of god I was doing something and his book just opened on a page which had my name on it, so obviously I read it. I then discovered last year before he went into rehab he had been sleeping around. I had no idea, because despite his addiction I always thought he was a faithful husband (I know naive).

So I confronted him & eventually he admitted it. Later on the same day he took drugs, after 9 months of doing so well. He was also away on business at the time. He has denied using obviously, but I just know. He still wants help and is willing to work the programme. He prays most of the time and turns to Allah (swt) to guide him onto the right path.

I do believe that his addiction is a disease that he trying to overcome and I obviously am very hurt about his cheating ways.

I just do not know what I feel anymore or what I should do. Can i forgive him for the unfaithfulness?? Can i carry on standing by him through his recovery, despite his relapse? He does also have very good characteristics despite all these flaws. We are both in very good professional careers.

Please my brothers and sisters in islam think very carefully about this one, insha'Allah any wise/comforting words will be much appreciated and will be a solace through this hardship.

-Mariya


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  1. As salamu alaykum, sister Mariya,

    Thank you very much for sharing with us, this is my personal opinion about your situation, please take it with a pinch of salt.

    Your situation is delicate, it seems to me after reading your words that you had gone through so much suffering that now you are like dormant, you need to wake up but slowly because all the pain, anger, ....you had suffered will come out eventually and maybe in an explosive way, and you don´t want that, specially having a child.

    When we develope proffesional skills, we work outside and we have other life apart from our marriage, we tend to detached from our feelings and rationalize them to be able to keep going, this is good to a point, but if you fill too much your cup, you won´t be able to stand the pressure, you are still in a point where you control, let´s take advantage of this.

    You have to face how you feel towards all this situation, once you have done this, talk to him, see if he wants to fight for real and make an agreement where he has to be truthful to what he promise to you. Get in contact with people that has survived to drugs addiction, see where is the root of the addiction, is in his bussiness, is any place he likes to go, is he willing to abandone the habits that makes him closer to the addiction, is he willing to keep improving, he must know he can lose you and your daughter, that might scare him, and bring him back to track, insha´Allah.

    Are you willing to stand close to him when all the healing process begins, are you willing to see all his miseries and be there for him, ... this will be a healing process for both of you, he won´t be the same man but you arenot the same woman anymore, then will be good for both of you to stay together and seal a pact of love to overcome this obstacle, insha´Allah.

    Try your best, sister, but remember that if he fails won´t be your fault and that maybe he needs to be by himself for a while to appreciate your presence in his life, nothing wrong with this either, only Allah(swt) knows wich will be the best ways for both of you.

    I acknowledge your suffering and your love towards him, being you I will give a try to the marriage, because I see what you see, he is under an addiction but he is willing to fight against it, Alhamdulillah, and you are already married and have a daughter to fight for together, insha´Allah.

    Decide what you decide, forgiveness is not under question, forgiveness will help you to heal and will bring Light to your life, and he needs to ask for forgiveness and forgive himself too.

    I know that when you wake up you will cry a lot, but see those tears as healing ones, cry but get out of it full of Peace, knowing you are doing the right thing to do. You will feel a inner reassurance of doing the right thing everytime you move on the right direction, insha´Allah.

    Try to walk 40 minutes a day, enjoy and laugh with your daughter and see if your husband gets involved in family life, do activities together as a family, as husband and wife, treasure good memories, create the life you want to live, but not by yourself, make a dream when you two are together and when all of you are together, create dreams, some unbelievable and other ones real, laugh and learn to enjoy being alive and to appreciate all the blessings around.

    See if you can have your family involved in reading, reciting and writing the Quran, everyday a little bit, insha´Allah. Your husband should consider to give zakah to make his path towards healing easier, the money he is investing in drugs could be helping others life, insha´Allah.

    You need to laugh, to be positive, to shine, I advice you to stay and be, but in a healthy way, don´t let him be dependant on you, you have to see him working on the same direction you are working, you are giving him and your marriage an opportunity and he must know he has to do and be his best, insha´Allah. You are a team, but each member of the team has personal duties and to fulfill the goals of the team everyone has to do their best, insha´Allah.

    I trust whatever you decide, will be the best decision, Alhamdulillah.

    Is there anything you love to do or to learn? languages, painting, gardening, photography, ...go for it and have fun, insha´Allah. The same for him, you can learn something and share it.

    Allah(swt) knows best.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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