Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don´t connect with my husband emotionally at all, I still want a divorce.

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Assalamu Alaikom,

I would first like to say that I regret what I have done (cheating on my husband) and I repented to Allah. Here is my story, I am in my early 20's and I got married at the age of 19. My husband is 33 and he is a great guy but we are so different. I don't even know why I married him in the first place. I never ever thought of marrying him (he is my first cousin) but my mom pushed him on me saying that he was a great guy...and we actually thought he was younger. Before we got married I got to know him better but I was so sucked into a trap that I felt like I couldn't get out of the relationship. I actually thought that getting married would help the relationship and bring us together more...but I was lying to myself. All in all, we had a lot of trouble getting along, especially emotionally...I do not love him and the only thing I feel for him is respect. He loves me to death, but I have nothing for him except sympathy because I'm such a horrible person. Did I mention that I am going to dentistry school and I have a lot on my plate, plus a kid.

After only a few months of marriage my husband forced me to take out my birth control and try having a baby, we had a baby just a month after our anniversary. He never supported me and I never felt a connection to him emotionally or physically or even sexually. I've wanted a divorce 4 months after I married him, but didn't have the heart to and convinced myself that I can make it work.

After I got into dentistry school, I met this amazing Muslim guy who was my perfect match...we were amazing friends at first and things escalated and we became intimate, but no sex (intercourse), just other stuff. I know, I have sinned and I am sooooooooooooooo ashamed of what I did. However, I have repented to Allah and I hope he forgives me. I have returned to Allah more than ever. But, I do not want to stay with my husband. I hate when he touches me and everything about him. We are currently in counseling but I don't think it is helping anything because I cannot get myself to tell the truth about my feelings...I do not want to hurt him even more. Yet, I know he would want to know if I don't love him. My mom and I are also afraid of him going on a rage and tell my father (who doesn't know about any of this) and that would be the end of me. The only people that know are me, my husband,  and my mom. I need help. What should I do? I feel so bad that I want this, I've been trying to change my feelings for the past 3 years but with no change.

The bigger thing is I know what it's supposed to be like between lovers...I need love to maintain a marriage. I have a lot to offer a man but I need to have feelings for them. I do not want to be repulsed by my husbands touch. I do not want to want another man, which I still have great feelings towards the man I cheated with, and I want to marry him. I am so confused and depressed with my situation and with what I have done. Please give me some guidance on how to approach my problem. He wants to stay with me because he says he loves me soooooo much and that he couldn't live without me...but I do not feel the same. I am afraid of myself again and what I could do, I do not want to have another relationship with another man just because I am stuck with him and I want out. Should I ask for a divorce? Should I stick with him and help him get better then break his heart later on? I need help ASAP, I'm on the edge of my breaking point with the insults and the sadness. I left a lot of information out which may be of help, if you need clarification I can give more details.
Jazzakum Allahu Khairan
-jk2009


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25 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaikom,

    Dear friend I am really very happy to see you post as you have stated your situation and you are really very intelligent that you asked to people and didn't do anything wrong even the situation is worse, i am facing similar situation like you but a little far away where you are as you are saying that you like a guy whom you like as a friend and emotionally connected but did not state that now are you in contact with him or not ??
    I have a good suggestion for you that stay in your marriage life and there are a lot of mistake that you never see in your personality try to cover them and love your husband don't do a single wrong step either that will destroy your whole life and you will be regretful throughout your life after leaving him, you mom did a good decision for you and don't let her down on her decision .. try to focus in your life and be grateful to Allah that he gives you a sincere husband and loves you a lot which is the excellent gift for a woman nowadays... whenever you feel that you will be happy with someone else just divert your mind forcefully towards your husband goodness and try to communicate to your husband in a positive manner as much as possible .. cook some good food and plan outing with him and try to enjoy with your own self you are in early twenties and your are not emotionally connected is only the wrong thought and don't give space in your mind of stuff like this..

    I am also in twenties and facing almost similar situation like you but some more things are happen in my life is that i have betrayed my husband very poorly and after this i talk to my friend from last five months and not get my husband to know about this but at last i have planed to divorce with my husband and marry to my emotionally attached friend but U know when i told to my husband that i am betrayed you from last five month he was almost died after my conversation i plan with my friend to go abroad to get higher education together because he is not much educated and my family has supported me on this decision because i showed my self that my husband is not treating me properly so then they are my parent always took my side but i came to know that i am wrong when my loving husband told me that you can go with you wishes but i loved you a lot and i am sincere with you always busy in work never did anything wrong ..
    when i disconnected myself with my husband try to live a happy life with my new boyfriend i feel bored in just 10 to 15 day and after that all the previous memories coming back in my mind and i am deadly missing my husband i want to go to back toward my husband , as he and his family is very disappointed with my behaviours so i will not move forward to do second marriage as my boyfriend loved me a lot but i am not satisfied with myself how can i make him happy for the whole life then i decided to go back and arrange the previous relation build again and build up and fix problems inside me .. its geting to much hard for me but i am satisied my husband didnt divorced me and i am making convence him to fogive me on my sin and thing will be better very soon inshAllah i think like this..

    • i would just like to say that i am absolutely flabbergasted by what you are exposing of yourself.

      that the prophet[saww] said the worst of all people are the one whom Allaah has concieled their sins from the people, but they disclose it to the people" [saheeh muslim]

      and the prophet[saww] said ""All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those who disclose their sins to the people"

      [Bukhari :: Volume 8 ::Book 73 :: Hadith 95]

      sister, why on earth would you write on a public doc that you commited some of the most disgracefull/humiliating acts possible in the sight of Allaah.
      why dont you keep it between yourself and Allaah???

      same to the sister jk2009, sister you donot ever tell any human things like you cheated.'iyaathanbillaah.
      and you told like every one already knew.
      pleeeaaaase hide your sins whatever they are.

      • Assalamu Alaikom...This is exactly what i was thinking when i read this...The truth is I even feel bad for reading. I thought it was going to be just a simple question on a broad topic...not your entire life story and sins. Please understand the severity of NOT disclosing your sins for future purposes.

        In regard to your situtation there are a couple things you must consider. First did you tell this "other" guy that you were married...if so, then do you honestly want to be with someone who has such disregard for marriage...it does not matter how much he "thinks" he likes you the bottom line is that you are a married women (happy or not is not an excuse). If you do decide to leave your husband for this "other" guy...who's to say he will not have the same kind of disregard for your marriage (and possibly cheat on you). If he did know he has committed a sin as great as yours...astaghfurallah!!!

        Okay, for the sake of argument let us say he did not know you were married (which i do not think is the case here because you mentioned you and him are "GREAT" friends). Anyway, do you really think he would want to be with someone who not only cheated on her husband...but who also lies...he like to touch you and kiss you now and you may want to marry him, but would he want to marry you and take on the responsbility of another man's child? The main question he should be asking himself is...if she cheated on her husband now...who's to say she will not do the same to me. Sticky situation.

        I would like to touch upon a subject you mentioned (stating that you and this "guy" are great friends)...Seriously...I'm sure you know that men and women should not be intermingling if they are not each other's Mahrams. At this point you may be thinking..."Oh, well that was the old way of think...this is the 21st century...this person must be old school". Well I am not and it doesn't matter if this is the 61st century...I am actually an American convert (born and raised in America...so believe I know all about intermingling...within a few months of converting I decided to cut of communication with all male friends...knowing it was not good for me and to avoid situtations like yours). Anytime two people are left alone (male and female) the third one always present is Shaitaan...why would you choose to put yourself in the presense of Shaitaan? Anyway...I am just trying to show to you that it is possible to stay away from non-mahram men. Please try and do so...if you are still friends with the "other" guy, please cut off all communication for the sake of your hereafter!!!!

        Moving on...honestly I think you should stay with your husband. You should be thanking Allah (swt) for giving you such a merciful husband (staying with a wife who has committed adultery...WOW)! Even if you are not happy...do not do this for yourself or even for your husband...do it for Allah (SWT)...as we should strive and do everything in our lives for our creator. Any discomfort, illness, sickness, or pain we feel in this life is only helping wash away our sins for judgement day...Just pray (please make sure you are performing your five daily salats..if now I just found the source of all your problems...even the "unhappiness" in your marriage).

        Anyway please do not take any of my comments in a bad way...I simply think it is important to understand that this life is not about living in glamour or comfort...it is just about pleasing and serving our maker. Simply make dua that Allah give you patience, guidance and strength to endure any situation. Allah wants to forgive us, so please do not think you are on a path of no return, simply repent sincerely. May Allah guide you to the straight path

  2. As salamu alaykum, sister jk,

    This is my personal opinion about your situation, please take it with a pinch of salt.

    You are in love with other man, you have broken the barriers of a married woman and now you closed the doors and windows of your heart to your husband, if it was hard to love him before, now it has turned impossible because you love other one.

    I want you to think seriously about the way you have idealized the man that you cheated with. A man that gets involved with a married woman, he knew you were commited, maybe he just had a bit of fun and that was enough, he wouldn´t approach if you weren´t open to receive him, then I would think about this.

    Related to your marriage, you are not willing to work on your marriage, you don´t love him and you will break your marriage now or later, then I think sooner the best, this way your relationship with your husband won´t rotten till the point of hating each other.

    He won´t understand that you don´t love him, if you have the opportunity to talk to the counselor alone, ask how to approach your husband to tell him you want to end your marriage.

    You can pray Istikhara to look for Allah(swt) guidance. you have a link on top of the page.

    May Allah(swt) guide us in everystep we take. Ameen.

    From Heart to Heart,
    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. You should just leave and put the poor guy out of his misery insha'Allah he will find a women deserving of his love the sooner he realise it the better, i think you married way to young and it was very immature of you having the chance to get to no each other not getting on and still marrying him, even though it is strange him being your first cousin and your parents not knowing his age??? but the age different effected you to i think, its just a shame that you have a little one who is innocent in all this, marriage is very hard and when its one sided its even worst, insha'Allah i hope you find what you are looking for.

    • Marriage is not hard, it is the people who makes it hard.

      • Brother that makes no sense at all, nothing and i mean nothing in life worth having is easy.

        • i disagree, i think marriage can't be characterized as hard or easy, following sunnah is as easy or hard as a person makes it.

          "nothing in life worth having is easy" That's not true. My new cell phone extended battery was $20 and was as easy as snapping the battery in. It was completely worth having.

          • When iam talking about some thing worth having material things are not what iam talking about if anything they are completely worthless, To learn the Quran, and the sunnah is hard but satisfying, to learn life lessons, teaching your children prefecting your salat fasting, having patients in a marriage all hard but worth it. thats the things iam talking about not some crappy little mobile phone from china, does not mean anything to Allahamdulilaah.

  4. Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH has said, "I have never seen such a horrible thing like hell ever before and I have seen a lot of women there". People and companions asked, "O Prophet PBUH! Why it is so".  He replied, "That is due to (ungrateful) heathenism". Companions asked, "Whether heathenism from Allah!" Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH has said, "No! Heathenism (ungrateful) from husband, i.e. ungratefulness and not accepting his favors".

    Woman is such that if a man does favor upon her the whole life and if any thing from man happens that is disliked by them then they say, "I have never seen any favor of you (Bukhari). Hazrat Soubaan R.A narrated that Holy Prophet Hazrat Muhammad PBUH has said, "The smell of paradise will not reach to that woman who asked divorce from his husband with out any valid reason" (Ibn-Maaja, Abu Dawood, Ahmed, Tirmizi, and Darmi).

    • A women is like a rib bone and if you try to straighten her she will break. men dont ever force your will on a women because Allah (swt) gave you the upper hand you will be the true losers in the end.

      • thank you your words mean so much to me, and the same to you

      • Narrated by Abu Huraria (ra) ALLAHS Apostle (sas) said,The women is like a rib, if you try to straighten her she will break, so if you want to get benefit from her do so while she still has crookedness. Bukhari Vol. 7 : No. 113. look it you "(muslim)" men

      • No it mean's we all answer to Allah (swt) and Allah is the only judge. its good to see you corrected your highly disrespectful statement from before, not that this one is any less insulting.

        • Allahamdulilaah iam i MUSLIM women and feel like Allah (swt) has given me special rights in ever field from Motherhood and the honour that brings to the Hijab. like i said to you on another post, i will make dua for you to bring respect in your heart towards women.

        • I will also make dua to bring moral enlightenment to you .

  5. Wasalam sister jk2009,
    I just wanted to add that sister, very next thing you should do after reading all these posts is to file a divorce. Yes, that's right sister divorce. If it was me; I would have never entered such a relationship in the first place but most of the guys don't realise that love should come naturally; you can't force a woman to love you and accept you as a husband even if you are the best guy out their; it doesn't in real life. What is marriage without love and emotional attachment where you have sex instead of making love. Is that a healthy relationship? I am so saddened that it breaks my heart; my faith in sacred institute of marriage is getting weaker and weaker as I read posts here (one of your's and other similar ones). How selfish that you are staying in this marriage for only your personal reasons, you don't care for the man who you married; like he has no feelings at all. Whether you stay or go, it won't matter honestly because you have had someone else in your life (I consider it cheating even if it wasn't physical). You couldn't do a graceful thing to stand up and tell your parents and husband that I want out of this marriage; he is a nice guy, provides everything; respects and loves me but we don't connect as husband and wife (Was it a big deal? No but it does require courage, honesty, conviction and determination which you lag a big deal sister) It's saddens me to see that how parents force their children into arranged marriages with the spouses who they don't have anything in common and even more heart breaking is the fact that those children let their parents take their Allah gifted rights away and accept that marriage. You see sister, no relationship is perfect and there are problems in every relationship but the way you handled it (cheating on your husband with that other guy) is utterly childish and not a mature approach (tell me sister that there wasn't any problem between your parents while you were growing up in that house?). There is a saying that "You can learn a lot by just observing". I don't know how did you and your family not know about his age even being cousin?
    I really don't sympathise with guys/girls who don't stand up for their rights and later on they and their partners suffer in the relationship. Oh and please don't tell me that my father or mother is sick or other problems in family; we as a Muslims believe in Qadr/decree; whatever happens; that happens by the will of Allah. No one dies before their time is up or not a single leaf drops without HIS (swt) permission or knowledge.
    I am not going to say that stay in this marriage as you have made up your mind and it's not possible to live a life with someone you don't connect. It's just waste of time for both sides. Please file a divorce and free him of this dis-functional, unhappy relationship so that he can find someone who will appreciate him Insha Allah. How strange that most of the Muslim women long for such individuals whole their life but end up with men who are abusive, rude, disrespectful and don't fulfil their rights and on the other hand their are sisters like you who don't have a any idea what they have in their hands until they loose that precious someone.
    My comments may come as harsh sister but it's reality; however, I didn't mean to be rude or dis-respectful. May Allah (swt) have his mercy upon you and help your husband find someone who will really appreciate him for the kind of person he is. (Amin)

    Wasalam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  6. Dear Jk

    First of all cheating or even speaking to this other man while you are a married woman is Haram and you must stop immediately. You your self said you respect your husband and he loves you soo much, then how can you condone speaking to another man? Where is the respect to your husband and to yourself ?
    So long as you are still married, kindly respect the covenant & sanctity of the marriage and tell this man that you cannot speak to him. If you get divorced then this man must approach your family the right way....This is IF he will commit to marrying you, because you never know.

    Your age and lack of experience and i'm assuming general lack of taqwa ( I apologize if i'm wrong) is the culprit of why you feel the way you feel towards your husband.
    You haven't mentioned that your husband is bad or mistreated you. Sadly both men and women assume that the other is boring when the truth may be that they're just too kind and available, a trait that sadly gets the husband or wife taken for granted.

    Consider the following

    -You get divorced and this man wont marry you.
    - He marries you but wont respect or trust you
    - He marries you and things arent as amazing as you think they would be, or worse, you find that your husband was way better a man than this man is.
    -You may be feeling this way because its forbidden fruit - greener grass, do you think that you not being able to stand your husbands company isnt made worse because of this other mans presence? Maybe because shaitan is making you see this man as more enticing and its blocking your feelings to blossom for your husband.

    The fact that you have another man in the wings is making you reject your marriage and i really cant respect this man whom disrespects another mans wife and has an affair with her.

    A real man would respect another mans wife , this is respecting her. I hope you can see that and see this man for what he is and see your husband for what he is too before its too late.

    Just read the first response you got, this woman is an example to you, in fact she is a mirror. She left her husband for a 'boyfriend' and regretted it and began to want her husband back.
    Wake up before its too late be awear that things may not be what meets the eye. Love yourself first and you will love your husband too. This is advice from a sister.

    • I agree with 'I submit to Allah.' The sister has mentioned important points and questions that I wanted to raise.

      Think very deeply about the points she has given you to consider. Please.

      You really need to appreciate a man who loves you -as you say yourself - "sooooooooooooooooo much. "
      Many women work tirelessly, day and night to earn their husbands love and a little attention. You have been more than blessed to have a husband who "loves you to death". Remember, you are always better off living with a person who loves you than to live with someone you love. Of course it is ideal that the love is mutual but if I had to choose between the two, I would choose someone who loves me, as he would keep me happy.

      This other man is a great boyfriend to you right now - that does not mean he will be a great husband, especially one who will love you like your husband does after all these years.

      Your love for this other man is what is blocking you from even giving your husband a chance or any chance of any feelings developing for your husband in your heart.
      I sincerely believe if you wrong someone, you cant live happily. If you wrong your husband any more than you have already done so, you really will regret it big time. Look at the sister Rabiq who has replied you first....you want that to be your future?

      Was salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

      • Faith can you imagine what this man is saying to her?

        I'm sure she has told him that her husband loves her and treats her well, that she respects her husband and yet this person continued stealing from her and her husband and her baby, everything that is not his WITHOUT even a reason!

        And yet she describes him as a good muslim man, if he was good and knows your husband is good as a decent man he would tell you to go back to your husband.

        i'm sorry i see nothing good in him and you are allowing yourself to do THULM (transgression) towards not just your husband but your son and Allah.

        He is disrespecting you and challenging God and shame on him. I wont say shame on you because there is subconscious guilt between your lines. But im also disappointed in your mother not being firmer with you.
        FYI your husbands age is 33, this is not old, this is the exact age of ahal al jannah, and with good reason, because it is when you are physically and mentally fit and mature.

        Marriage is not just about making yourself happy, its about making your spouse happy, herein lies a happiness that not alot of people understand.
        Its akin to the joy of giving charity as opposed to taking and owning.

        One day you may regret your choices and no one will make you feel better, not your guy or your mother or anyone.

  7. Salam...dear sister in Islam...
    think again of your decision...please do not make any wrong step again... if you have made the wrong decision of marrying the guy who is your husband now, please do not make another wrong decision which would hurt a lot of your loved ones around you.... look at your childs's face, would the guy you love would treat him / her nicely and love him / her dearly like your husband does.... man would always change after marriage...., i know my husband 13 years b4 we got married but he is not like what i expected all this while b4 we got married. I thought i would love this guy until the end of my life, ( we were very much in love then but we rarely see each other, once a year or twice a year ) but after 1 year of marriage I started to ask myself why did I marry this guy... we never share the same ideas, opinions, views about everything.. we don't even stay together.. I stay with my mom and he stays with his mom... he would come once or twice a week to visit me and the children... yeah even though we do't stay together, Allah blessed us with two beautiful princess, we used to fight a lot, and he called me names... I used to cry alot, I used to be unhappy and very upset, he doesn't regularly give me nafqah, he could not support the family... Every expenses of the family is on me...i have to work to support myself, the kids and my parents, I have always thought of divorce..but when i look at my children's face, i just do't have the heart to do that... what would happen to them...their future...i've seen a lot of cases where children become the victim of their selfish parents... i don't want my children to be one of them... there are times i think about a guy who came to me right before i was engaged to my husband...he was very much in love with me.....he tried to challenged my husband to get me.... but my husband quickly grabbed me by marrying me....he is still a bachelor now after 4 years... but i won't make any wrong decision again which would hurt all the loved ones around me, as long as i am a wife to a man, i would close my heart to anyone, and besides, men are always good actors, they were different b4 marriage, the true colours would only appear after he gets you...so do you think the guy you love will never be like that ... would he remains the same even after the marriage? would he still respects or trusts you as a wife when he already knows that you have cheated your first husband b4 you got married to each other? What if after you divorce and hurt everyone around you, marrry the guy you love, then after some time you are not happy with him, are you going to ask for a divorce again? Hmmm..I married the man i love for thirteen years but still we are not happy together... so pray to Allah, let Him gives you the best decision... pray hard...Allah will always help you dear... i respect whatever your decision is but try not to hurt our loved ones too much....ilal liqa'

  8. Hello,
    I feel you because I am going through the same with my husband.

    (Remainder of comment deleted by Editor. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  9. i m a married woman.actually u cant say
    (Remainder of question/comment deleted by Editor - IslamicAnswers.com)

    • Samina,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. In the meantime, just consider this hadith of Rasul(sws):

      Abdullah Ibn Masoud (رضي الله عنه) related, ‘A man came to the Prophet and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah! I have mingled with a woman in the far side of al-Medina, and I fulfilled my desire short of actually having sexual intercourse with her. So, here am I, judge me according to what you decide.’ Umar Ibn al-Khattab (رضي الله عنه) then said: ‘Allah had kept your secret, why did not you keep your secret?’ [Sharh Muslim] Similarly, if one becomes aware of somebody else’s sin, he should keep it a secret.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. I agree with everybody comments, I believe you love your husband in some ways, but the thing is this other man is messing you up big time, please fouce on your marrige and your baby forget the other man I believe he is using you, once you leave your husband he will leave you too. Make things work before you mess up your marrige, insallah Allah help you get threw this because you don't want any selfish man mess up your marrige for his pleasure must of them are like that these days. So good luck.

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