I don´t connect with my husband emotionally at all, I still want a divorce.
I would first like to say that I regret what I have done (cheating on my husband) and I repented to Allah. Here is my story, I am in my early 20's and I got married at the age of 19. My husband is 33 and he is a great guy but we are so different. I don't even know why I married him in the first place. I never ever thought of marrying him (he is my first cousin) but my mom pushed him on me saying that he was a great guy...and we actually thought he was younger. Before we got married I got to know him better but I was so sucked into a trap that I felt like I couldn't get out of the relationship. I actually thought that getting married would help the relationship and bring us together more...but I was lying to myself. All in all, we had a lot of trouble getting along, especially emotionally...I do not love him and the only thing I feel for him is respect. He loves me to death, but I have nothing for him except sympathy because I'm such a horrible person. Did I mention that I am going to dentistry school and I have a lot on my plate, plus a kid.
After only a few months of marriage my husband forced me to take out my birth control and try having a baby, we had a baby just a month after our anniversary. He never supported me and I never felt a connection to him emotionally or physically or even sexually. I've wanted a divorce 4 months after I married him, but didn't have the heart to and convinced myself that I can make it work.
After I got into dentistry school, I met this amazing Muslim guy who was my perfect match...we were amazing friends at first and things escalated and we became intimate, but no sex (intercourse), just other stuff. I know, I have sinned and I am sooooooooooooooo ashamed of what I did. However, I have repented to Allah and I hope he forgives me. I have returned to Allah more than ever. But, I do not want to stay with my husband. I hate when he touches me and everything about him. We are currently in counseling but I don't think it is helping anything because I cannot get myself to tell the truth about my feelings...I do not want to hurt him even more. Yet, I know he would want to know if I don't love him. My mom and I are also afraid of him going on a rage and tell my father (who doesn't know about any of this) and that would be the end of me. The only people that know are me, my husband, and my mom. I need help. What should I do? I feel so bad that I want this, I've been trying to change my feelings for the past 3 years but with no change.
The bigger thing is I know what it's supposed to be like between lovers...I need love to maintain a marriage. I have a lot to offer a man but I need to have feelings for them. I do not want to be repulsed by my husbands touch. I do not want to want another man, which I still have great feelings towards the man I cheated with, and I want to marry him. I am so confused and depressed with my situation and with what I have done. Please give me some guidance on how to approach my problem. He wants to stay with me because he says he loves me soooooo much and that he couldn't live without me...but I do not feel the same. I am afraid of myself again and what I could do, I do not want to have another relationship with another man just because I am stuck with him and I want out. Should I ask for a divorce? Should I stick with him and help him get better then break his heart later on? I need help ASAP, I'm on the edge of my breaking point with the insults and the sadness. I left a lot of information out which may be of help, if you need clarification I can give more details.
Jazzakum Allahu Khairan
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