I don’t love him the way he loves me
Assalam alaikum Everyone,
Please bear with me as I will be writing a long post.
I have been married to my husband for 2 months and he is an amazing person but I am still not happy. He loves me, cares about me, and anything that a good muslim husband should be but I am still not satisfied.
I was very depressed before meeting him. I was depressed for 3 long years because I was in a relationship with a guy who turn out to be a cheater, liar, drinker, and whatnot. I still regret it cuz it was a haram relationship but I did not do anything haram with him (only held hands which I know I shouldn't have and I still regret it).
Anyway, back to my husband; Everything about him is great but I don't love him the way he loves me. Maybe I don't like the fact that all of his brothers are so educated and successful and make much more money than him. Maybe the fact that he is not witty enough. maybe the fact that he doesn't have friends and is kind of a loser because of his work schedule.
Please guys don't hate on me but I can't keep it inside anymore. It's killing me inside. Is it the same old depression that's haunting me? I feel like killing myself. I wish I did not marry him. I can't break off this marriage either because I am Desi and my parents and brothers will disown me 🙁
I am so depressed these days and there are times when I misbehave with him but he is still so nice to me and it makes me feel really guilty. I even went through counselling sessions but it did not help me at all so I stopped going. please sisters and brothers, help me.
mona09
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Love doesn't come overnight. These are western ideologies. After all you did not have a love marriage from the sounds of it, but an arranged one. Give it time and make dua. Don't be hasty to end a marriage and let a good man go. Finding a religious man who prays 5x and has good character is so hard.
Him not making money or not being educated are minor problems. You can encourage him to pursue his dreams if he's got others ... A man can always go back to school especially in the west. Here you can become a dr at the age of 60! If you don't live in the west maybe it's something you guys can consider....you can encourage him to become more educated kindly.
You want him to be more social...do what my cousin did....go make girlfriends who have husbands and have dinner parties and invite husband wife.
You're only 2 months in. You still got 7 years to go to be truly comfortable in a marriage!
Human nature is nvr to be grateful for good things we hve too. Sister, be grateful for what you have. Girls only wish for a good -hearted loving husband.
Sister appreciate what you have. Be grateful that you have a husband who loves you. Perhaps that's the problem he loves you too much and you prefer a bit of a challenge and chase? I'm not sure.
Either way your married to him and I can't see any major problems in your marriage or any obvious flaws in your husband. Give him a chance. So what if his brothers earn more than him, money isn't everything.
Be romantic with him, tell him the kinds of things you like. Talk to him on a deeper level and connect with him. Maybe he is witty but he hasn't had the chance to open up to you completely yet. Perhaps he can sense that you don't love him as much as he loves you which would effect how he is around you.
You will never find everything in one person, so what if he isn't witty enough at least he's good to you, what if you ended up with someone who was witty yet he lied and cheated on you.
Focus on his qualities, love grows with time, it's a possibility that your guarded because of your past relationship. Clear your mind, pray five times a day and make Dua, ask for protection against the Devil.
May Allah swt put love and warmth in your heart towards your husband, and bless you with a very happy and successful marriage,
Ameen
I agree with the 2 advices above be grateful you have a loving husband and he really loves you, looks after YOU and does all to keep you happy. Be very grateful he isn't the cause of your depression or abuses you. I really think the problems you have are more deeper than emotional. You really need to get out of this and work on your marriage it takes years before you really realise how lucky you really are. Give it time and be patience.
If I met you in real life I would hug you and reassure you its okay really would support you because I know how difficult this must be for you and your not on your own. I really hope you make this work inshAllah give it time.
Assalam alaikum,
We tend to be ungrateful humans. You, me, many of us. It is, unfortunately, more natural than being grateful.
Gratefulness requires hard work at time and it comes from gaining perspective first hand.
I suggest that you do some volunteer work with single Muslim mothers that are either widowed or divorced. It doesn't have to be extensive, but a few hours that you can spare. Or even other volunteer work that you would be interested in. Sometimes we need to see the struggles of those on the other side of where we tend to look. Yes, the grass is greener on the other side, but it is also less green on another side...you are just in the middle of that spectrum so you have to look all around, not just the greener side.
May Allah swt fill your heart with love for your husband and help you towards making a successful marriage, Ameen.
Assalaamu Alaykum,
You mentioned having chronic depression before you married, for a number of years. It doesn't sound like your depression was in treatment when you married, nor now. I think that it's easy to underestimate the significant effect untreated depression can have on almost every area of life, but particularly in relationships.
The truth is, if your lackluster feelings are originated or even being contributed to by your depression, ending this relationship or even him changing into a completely different person won't affect much. A lot of people with chronic depression or other mental illness go making significant changes in their lives only to find out later that it was their chemical imbalance all along.
My suggestion is you get into treatment for the depression. You said you've been to counseling, but counseling will only be effective if the chemical imbalance is being addressed as well. For that you will most likely need to start a medication regimen, one that will need to be sustained for a few months before you start seeing some meaningful changes.
Some people need to take medication for depression for their entire life, but many don't. Many have been able to wean off the medication and live satisfying lives after a few years. Don't assume that because you're depressed now, that you will always be. However, please be aware that the chances of you having depression longer increase the longer you leave it untreated.
In shaa Allah if you can get a better balance in this area of your inner being, you will find yourself warming to your husband and the marriage Allah gave you. But until you work on that, I don't advise you to take any steps of ending the marriage but rather work on it as others have suggested.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
in rural areas of Pakistan Punjab, Sindh etc, they marry off the girl to the boy without them knowing each other and having a good understanding. this is cruel
U think ur husband is looser.....well wht u r....u have said that u was in haram relationship.... U should be thank to Allah that u have got such a good husband.... U known wht u don't deserve him.....he us not looser.....u r looser....
What you said can kill her you know. You easily saying that underestimating what can depression do to people. Depression is illness, need help, medication and treatment. She can't help what she's thinking. It can't escape her mind and stuck to her and your comments is very insensitive and ignorant.
Simply i 'll suggest that u guys need some time ... you will realize his love soon... if he really cares and loves you than he will win you all as you want... Give some time and try not to be rude to him... As in Islam you should respect and try to love your Husband