I don’t love my husband! I am thinking of divorce
Salaam my dear Muslim brothers and sisters,
I'm a 28 year old woman. I'm married for 5 years now, without any kids.
My husband and I have problems with sexual intimacy since day one. In the beginning i was mentally blocked, which caused me not to feel anything physically. After 1.5 years lots of "practicing." I finally got rid of the mental blockage. So now you would think the problem is solved right?
NOT! Because after that, everytime my husband tries to get near me in a sexual way, I always push him back, because I get disgusted by it. Just a normal hug is ok, but right at the moment when he wants to touch me at a more sensitive part, I cover myself by putting my own hands on those parts so he can't touch it. This problem is never solved.
A few other facts are:
- I never told him "I love you" and really mean it. Actually, I never even told him I love you at all. Even when he asks me "Do you love me"? I can't say that I do. I do love him as a person, especially because of his beautiful personality; the reason I married him! He's also a very good looking man, but I just don't have the feelings that I should have for him as a spouse.
In the past years i asked him a few times wether he feels like I love him, and the answer has always been "no".
- I'm totally not sexually satisfied!! And I also don't feel sexually attracted to him. We do have "sex" but it's pretty frustrating when you can't say that you "make love" once in a while. I can remember about 2 or 3 times we "made love" and may be about 6 or 7 other times the "sex" was pretty ok, but the rest was horrible!!! In 5 years!!! Please tell me that this is NOT normal!!? Of course I understand that after a few years the lovemaking and/or sex becomes a bit less satisfying(?) because the couple isn't in love anymore like in the beginning. But in our marriage it's like this from the beginning!
- In all those years i have been thinking, and thinking over and over again!! Like: "I can feel there's something wrong, but I don't really know what it is".
-Further there's a whole story i can tell you about how we went through the 5 years (like financially and stuff) but i'm almost 100 percent sure that it's not the cause of me not loving him.
So since we don't have any kids (btw; we tried to get pregnant for almost a year) I'm thinking about getting divorced. I'm not happy like this, and he's also not happy. If I go on with this marriage may be I will be "thinking" my whole life.
I asked a few questions on another website; and they kept on saying it may be "black magic" and that i should think about healing with roqiya (healing with quranic recitation).
I prayed salaat Istikhara a few times, and it's like everything became more clear after I asked Allah several times for guidance.
Now my questions for you are:
-Don't you also feel that there must be something really wrong when having so less lovemaking in your marriage?
-The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?
-Is there anything you think i should consider before making a decision?
-What do you think I should do?
Thanx for helping me!!
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