Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel ill because a man kissed my wife

This problem is driving my mind crazy. A few months ago me and my wife were visiting one of my childhood friends who i knew for over 20 years. On leaving from his town my friend and his brother came up to my car and were saying their goodbyes, upon this my friend said good bye to my wife and he kissed her on the forehead two times. His brother was watching this, after this he said to my wife if she needs any help he is her brother and is here. I was shocked and couldn't speak or say anything to him regarding this matter, maybe i was a coward. He was smiling and came to me and said bye to me and kissed me and they both went away.

After that i drove away and we discussed this issue and i said to my wife i want to go to this friends older brother and mention this act, but she said that, "Theres no point because he will not admit any illness in his heart and will say it was from his innocent intention." She asked me why i didnt say anything i replied i was shocked thats why (i feel i dont have any integrity in my wifes eyes from that day).

After that day i fell ill, my heart was aching, went to the doctors who gave me anti depressants and sleeping tablets. In my mind i thought maybe Allah will ask him on the day of judgement, and if i had reacted then me and my wife could have got more harm, this situation plays in my mind every day and i think i have no self respect. i dont know what to do, i said to my wife I want Allah to punish him if he is wrong, why does he deserve a life of peace and I have to live with this all my life. I have cut ties with him since that incident and its been a year now. the only thing i think is that he did this out of his jelousey and lust. I am in pain, hope you can help.

30 Responses »

  1. dear brother, salam 1st and for most

    i myself went threw an insadent like yours but wors..nd i wont get in to that,
    but i dont think you should of took it that far. i understnd you myt be hurt or confused or ect, but dont wish harm on any1 that u dont wnt wishing harm apon you. u and your wife are togther inshlah and could be happy if you yourself let htis go. this is a test from allah and you need to pass it. dont assume and dont live your life to the incadent that happned. i am telling you from past experinc ..dont let this ruin your marige or ur self asteem or ect, brother. pleas pray to allah that he will ease your mind and heart and let you move on. forgive and forget. its goin to be hard but dont think about it. always keep yourself moving dont turn back. we are only here for a short period of time. "we are travlers". repent do good deeds and make sure you have a close bond to allah so he may help you in the end, inshlah. i will keep you in my prayer inshlah,

    and rmeber that allah loves those who forgive, who are you not to forgive,and in return allah will forgiv you..inshlah.

    salam...and take care hope i helpd

    • dear brother,
      I am very sad and very angry, my wife had walk sessions with another student while she was in hostel for exam preparations (girl n boys hostel are separate, no girls allowed in boys hostel and the no boys allowed in girls hostel), she said that they just had friendship a simple friend, they used to walk in the night from 09:00 pm to 10:00 pm, in the begining she didn't tell me about the kissing, but later on i insisted too much, then she told me the fact that they had lip kissed and that guy has also touched her breasts but not under that. she said that they have only kissed and nothing else. She has taken the Quran and she swear on the heads of our two kids in this regard, she wants to be with me forever, she has assured that she will not do it again, i gave her my pistol to prove her loyalty, i told her to shoot her leg but before that without letting her know, i took out the bullets. At the first try she was afraid, then i was shocked she fired, then she cried.
      What should i do please tell me whether i need to kill that bastard? who messed with my wife and ruined our lives. Please tell me. thanks

      • As salamu alaykum, brother Jabbar,

        I understand and acknowledge your suffering, but killing someone won´t release your suffering, it will increase your suffering and the suffering of everyone around you, you have two children, who is going to take care of them if you let those instincts be strong in you?

        Allah(swt) will show you a healthy way to solve all this struggles, stay away from that man, he will have to answer for his actions sooner or later, don´t put yourself as the judge on this situation, stay on a side and let Allah(swt) do His work.

        Related to your wife, please, she is scared of you now, and she will always have the image of herself shooting her leg. She must repent and do tawbah, but you too, where your children looking you two doing this?

        If they were, ask for forgiveness and be your best from now on, ask her if she wants to be with you in a healthy relationship, and work together to get it. You are a family and I understand perfectly your feelings but I see too that you love your family that is why you wrote here, Alhamdulillah.

        Why do you give this man the power to ruin your life? He doesn´t have that power and I don´t think you should give him this power, you are a rational human being and you can ask Allah(swt) to help you to forgive, you have a lot to lose if you don´t, you have a lot to gain if you do, insha´ Allah. Be clear to your wife and tell her to stop any contact with this man, to divorce is better than to kill if this goes further, what I hope this is not the case, insha´Allah.

        I will have you and your family in my prayers, insha´Allah.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Why don't u divorce your wife , if ur so hurt by here action , if that what u want or u wanna make ur marriage work

        Either be with here or leave her

        • I want to ask how easy is to divorce ur spouse bcoz of adultery and move on ?

          it is better to be with a cheater or divorce and move on
          Just curious

        • Thanks TrueBlood, you said it so easily... divorce your wife... if i divorce my wife then i will not only punish my wife but i will also punish both of my kids, i am going through a very hard time, i will punish my kids and wife but what about that bastard? he is still there, enjoying his life, ruining my family, ruined our four peoples lives and he is enjoying.... it is better to kill that son of bitch and then divorce my wife, then it will be equal.

          • Actually u don't have to divorce ur wife coz once u kill that **** u will be taken to jail then to the court and then to the prison where ull spent for about 15 to 20 years( more or less depending on ur state )

            Secondly , u will not only ruin ur life ( if u still care for ur wife ) , ull also ruin ur child life( I don't know the age ) But if ur ready to be away from here( child ) for 10 to 20 years than its upto u

            Lastly , I'm harsh in the comment but I told u the reality as per the laws of the state otherwise if ur powerful that u can get out easily by just killing a person but only in this world but in the day of judgement ull have to answer y u took a man's life .

          • I am sorry brother Jabbar, but your language (son of a bitch/bastard), rage and misogyny, give Islam a bad name. Manipulating your wife into shooting her leg is an absolutely repulsive act, She may have sinned against you and Allah, but this is unacceptable. I pray to Allah, that you resolve your rage and resentment issues.

          • Brother Asif,

            Amin!

            AmericanMuslim
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Yuo should have avoided shooting dramas

  2. As Salaamu Alaikum Brother,

    I think risk32 gave you excellent advice. I just think you might have taken it to the extreme to want someone to burn in the hellfire simply because the person kissed your wife on the forehead. When I intially read the title of the article, "I feel Ill Because Man Kissed My Wife," I the man had had "french kissed", slobbed her down and had his tongue down her throat. Forgive me for being graphic. But come on...He kissed your wife and you on your foreheads before saying goodbye.

    Insha Allah, do pray hard for Allah to relieve your pain and let you put the incident behind you. Thank Allah that what happened was the extent of it. Read the article here about the mother who has a child without arms and think how blessed you are that you have the problem you have and nothing far worst. GET OVER IT!
    Salaam

  3. Hi. I think you're acting like an idiot over this matter, and should stop reacting the way you are. It's her forehead. If you caught them in bed together, different story. It's her forehead.

    Forehead!

  4. what norm said is correct...
    although forehead also not allowed also but it was just a forhead.....

    and u r now no more meeting that friend......GET IT OVER.......PLEASE ...GET IT OVER....

    READ QURAN AND TRUST IN GOD.....if his intention was wrong.....God definitly punish him......
    but agian it was just forehead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Assalamu Alaikum brother,

    I undestand where you are coming from....and it is quite normal for you to be angry at this guy....I agree wt this guy did was wrong regardless of what his intentions were....However, what I dont agree with is you torturing yourself!Also, it seems that you are upset cuz you didnt react when this incident happened. Since you dont speak to this guy unfortunately you cant do anything...but, If you ever see this guy then you could perhaps tell him how you feel....and confront him....

    What you can do now is to speak to your wife instead of making assumptions what your wife thinks of you! And you will realize that it is all in your head....Brother please dont let this affect you. why are you ruining your life ?Think about your wife....Leave everything on Allah(SWT)....and let Allah decide what to do with this man....

    Now, its in your hands either you can carry on thinking about this and make yourself ill or you could leave everything on Allah(SWT) as Iv previously mentioned.

    Brother you cant change your past but you can change your future!

  6. Salaams,

    I can appreciate that this action by your erstwhile friend was certainly not appropriate, however you are making a massive deal out of it.

    I think you are more angry at yourself for not reprimanding him. The action itself as I said was inappropriate somewhat, then again if he declared that your wife should regard him as a brother, maybe that was a brother term of affection by his standards.

    I think you should just forget about it. I too, when reading the title expected to hear of some lurid tale of adultery.

    I would hate to think how you would handle a worse situation than that if you are still desparing about it after a year.

  7. I can understand how you are feeling. But dont' let it become the sole event that defines your relationship with your wife and yourself and Allah.

    I dont' think your wife thinks little of you, becasue something like this is so unexpected. Muslims men just don't go round kissing other men's wives (even if it is on the forehead), or even shaking hands with them. What he did was super inappropriate.

    But thats probably why you don't have any reflexes against such a thing, I mean how could you or your wife have seen that coming. Everyones deeds are written and the everyone will have to answer for himself on the day of judgement. You don't have to keep every wrong committed against you fresh in your mind until then.

    It's been a year now and its time to get over it.

  8. confront your wife, always the best way

  9. If you agree with this, then my borthers you are seriously ill in the head!!

    It is suppose to be a sarcastic comment. PLEASE do NOT kill anyone!!!

    Allah will deal with this matter, you do not need to dirty your own hands. It was a kiss on the forehead, the bigger and better man should be the forgiving one, afterall.. we have all made mistakes in life for which we seek forgivness from Allah (swt).

    You dont need anti-depresants, you are obviously not reading your salah, my brother read your namaz with a clear mind and see how your life will change. you will forget about this, this is minor. Look at the state of dunia (world), married and unmarried women are having unlawful sex, i think thats a much bigger problem than someone kissing your wife on the forehead, especially if your wife didnt encourage it and/or ask for more.

    You need to calm down.

  10. I have a question, why did this happen to me????? what does Allah Subhan Wa Taalah want from me? why Allah SWT brought me to this? if he brought me to this, does he want me to kill a person??? means that persons life is in my hands? if he knew that I can not bear such a big burden then why did he put this burden on me?

    • My brother, my comment was directed at you (Jabbar), not the topic starter.
      Life is a test, what is life with no test? Allah (SWT) wants you to show your loyalty to him.
      DO NOT kill anyone. If Allah wanted him dead, he has many ways to strike him himself.

  11. To Wael

    Its a grey area, if you confront it there and then you seem to overreact, if you dont then you wonder why you didnt. Its one of those situation, no one wins, i think you did the right thing in getting this person out of your life, well done.

    But you must forgive him for his shortcomings, even if you dont have anything to do with him, just forgive him in your heart for your own sake, that is your challenge...

    About the other guy wanting to shoot that guy, it takes two to tango, your life cannot be ruined unless you allow it yourself.

    Your wife has said it wont happen again, it will take a long time to trust her, only you can decide to stay or leave and choose your families destyiny, i urge you to stay try and make it work.

  12. Assalamu 3leiku wa r7mat Allahi wa barakatu,

    Are you having a laugh? You ought to have listened to your wife and trusted her judgment. She was the recipient of the act, and therefore in a far better place to judge the situation as it stood; as opposed to your own reaction, which seems, in the circumstances, more about injured pride and a sense of powerlessness over what is, effectively, nothing at all.

    You mentioned nothing of any previous interactions that might suggest infidelity on the part of your wife or the friend you'd had for 20 years. If you had trust and respect for your wife or yourself, you'd realise that an expression like that might just be what it was: one of respect and appreciation; rather that the lascivious implications that your mind seems to be reaching for.

    Bit sad that others are consigning folks to hell - w'Allah y5rab bythum!
    Bottom line: 5d byodak fieedak ya 3m wa 3sh 7yatak!

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Never should any faithful Muslim consider kissing a friend's wife to show respect or appreciation. In fact, to do so would be a show of massive disrespect and humiliation. It's an act of cuckoldry, showing domination and arrogance over another man and woman. It is more than just 'nothing.' For every act of disobedience we are held accountable, small and large. Though I am certain that this issue is not a small one because it shows that this "friend" has little faith or regard for the laws of Allah (swt).

      • Haha! Ana 2lt ra2yi wa bass. Keman inta meen 3shan ti2ooli inani ma3ndeesh iman wala 3lm qanoon rabbina ya 'Professor'? Kunt batkallim 3la el-mushkila wa 7ata wana ghaltan fiha, malaksh dawa3 inta ti2ul il-7agat kida illi min 3lm Allah, mish min 3limak inta, ya 'ustaz'. Bsara7a ana mitgawwiz wa low kida 7salit mish 73mil el-reaction dawat, leh? Asl fih far2 kbir beyn bosa 3la ras wa el-cuckoldry inta bitkallim fih. Huwa da issabab 2lt in irragil dawat lazim y5ud byudu fi eedu wa si22a fi nafsu - wadi7 min kalmu innu ragil d2eef, zayy m5ak winta ta5ud el-h2 illi katabtu fo2. 'Friend'? Mish sa7bak ya 3m - wala sa7ib ay 7d biltkabbur da.
        Just incase you don't speak Arabic - how about you leave the judgements about the extent of my faith to Allah, surely that would reflect far greater deference to His power and His might than your own forked-tongued judgements of certainty, 'friend'. And by the way, to sharpen your English - a 'cuckold' is the husband of an adulteress, which, had you actually understood the original issue, does not apply here because adultery was not committed.
        Ya rab, hn3mil ey m3 in-nas iggahla di?
        Balf salama ya toka.

        • My Brother

          I am not here to judge you, that is, of course, left to Allah. But please consider this:

          You response sounds sharp and angry. It almost sounds like you are protesting because you might do this. Please consider whether or not this is you talking or shaytan. Consider that the friend in question may spend eternity in hell fire with his lips burning the hottest because they touched the forehead of the wife of another man.

          - American Muslim

  13. Ya a5ee,

    Thank you for your response - you could well be right on all counts. You've given me something to think about.

    M3 issalama.

  14. Why don't you take the gun , brother, and shoot urself?? Just joking... Listen, brother, having a gun

    at home is unislamic, it is violent. And forcing your wife to shoot herself into the leg is, even in

    that situation, not so appropriate. I wouldn't file for divorce, but confront my wife honestly. Why

    did she do it and why did she feel attracted to someone else? You should have a serious word with

    her why she felt she has to do it- instead of beating her or shooting her into the leg.

    • Sister Jannah, you're certainly right that it's wrong (and totally crazy) for the brother to shoot his wife in the leg. However, owning a gun is not un-Islamic. All the Sahabah owned swords or bows and arrows. As long as a weapon is used only for self-defense, there's nothing wrong with it.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. It was my personal opinion, respected brother Wael. I only said that because I'm pacifist and

    we shouldn't forget the Sahaba owned guns and swords, bows and arrows because Hijaz

    was in a constant war situation at that time. Nowadays, I don't see a war situation in the Western

    culture and owning a gun for self-defence is in my opinion not necessary, children could get it

    and play with it. Trigger the bullet involuntarily, it is simply too risky for a family with two children

    involved. Also I think being Muslim means being pacifist and negotiate peacefully before you

    take your weapons and shoot. But its rather my personal opinion than a law and I don't disagree

    with your historical references

    Jannah

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