I feel like a loser – CLOSED
Life isn't easy for me and my husband. We are still living with parents after 4 years of my husband immigrating to the US. He just got citizenship. If I didn't have mental illness, I would be working a respectable job like other sisters, but I'm only working as a substitute teacher's aide in the school 3 days a week at $14 an hour. My husband is still working the same retail job he's been working since he immigrated here. I feel so disappointed that my life isn't where I want it to be.
I pray to Allah all the time to help my husband get a better job and to cure my mental illness so that I can be a career woman and balance children, but seems like Allah isn't answering my prayers. I feel like I will never live the life I want to live. I've applied for affordable housing, but there's no guarantee that will come through. I feel frustrated that everyone seems to have kids and their own home, while I'm nearly 33, married, and unable to afford to move out because me and my husband's combined income is considered low.
I really don't think Allah will ever answer my prayers. I always pray to Allah to help me and my husband improve our finances and bless us with children, but I feel like it will never happen. My mental illness will always be permanent and my husband will always think so low of himself, and never try to apply for a better job. I will always have fertility issues. When I look at other people and see how they are living the American Dream, and I look at my pathetic life, I feel like a loser. I know some of you will say that it could always be worse, and I know that, but this isn't the life I dreamed for myself. I'm grateful that I have food and shelter and that my parents are allowing me and my husband to stay with them, but it's not the ideal life I envisioned for myself.
Sometimes I struggle to pray five times a day because I have mental illness and I'm so stressed out all the time. A lot of times when I pray, I start to lose my mind and feel like I'm delusional. It's not easy to maintain my five daily prayers. I feel so stressed trying to balance five daily prayers and the part time job, which wouldn't be stressful at all for most people. I feel like I will always be poor and struggling. I only ask Allah for a simple house in a nice neighborhood and one or two kids. If He even gave me one, I would be happy. As well as to handle stress better and cure my mental illness so that I can earn more money and support my husband since I see a lot of sisters working and doing things and I feel like such a loser compared to them.
I'm not happy with my life and I think my situation will never change. I wish I was like other people who are living the American Dream, with a home and kids and financial stability. I feel it will never happen for me and sometimes I feel like why bother praying if Allah doesn't care to answer duas. When I see other muslims and non-muslims so financially well off, I don't understand why Allah can't help me too. I hate my life and I don't know why Allah is making me go through all of this suffering.
islamicgirl28
Entries(RSS)
Asallamualkium Sister,
You are not a loser.
First thing is to put your firm trust in Allah, only then can things start to get better and brighter. Allah is capable of any and everything 🙂 When Allah does not give you what you think is good for you may be because in actually it may be bad for you. So your prayers and relationship with Allah have to be the priority.
Second, have you gone to a doctor or therapy about what can be done about your condition? Do not beat up on yourself or put yourself down, this makes it worst.
Third, it's easy to see others and want what they have but really you do not know what they are doing to keep that life. Having money, stuff and etc.... May actually be hurting their relationship with Allah because it distracts us from the real goal/prize...... pleasing our Lord and going to our real home..Jennah.
Take it day by day and always think positive of Allah, when He gives a believer tests good or bad its always Alhamduliah. I will make dua things get better for you inshallah. Keep your head up sis.
Assalaamu Alaykum,
If you do have a chronic, debilitating mental illness, you may qualify for disability. Have you tried exploring that option? That could definitely ease your financial situation if you could get approved. Also, what are you doing to manage your mental illness? Are you seeing a therapist who helps you with the thoughts you get or struggles you have with ibadah?
On the same note, what is the nature of your infertility issue? There are lots of treatment for infertility, depending on what your situation is. You can't assume that your infertility will be a permanent thing unless a doctor has told you so (and even then, they've been proven wrong!)
Your husband should try to do some things to better his employment options. He's working in retail, and he's an immigrant. It's vital for him to get some training or a degree in a a sector that could boost his earning power. That could offset the concerns you have about your employability.
You are 33. In 5 or 10 years, things could look vastly different, depending on the steps you take now. But one thing I caution you about, is that the "american dream" is not all it's cracked up to be. Speaking for myself, I felt and thought many of the same things you did not too many years ago. I have been a homeowner for 2 years now, and have 4 kids. However, my house is a bif of a burden with leaking pipes, teens punching holes in walls, and dirt everywhere that I can't even keep on top of.
One of my children is severely mentally ill (something you risk passing on to any children you do have, and could increase your stress), and the two teenagers are very challenging. My oldest has had some significant struggles this past year, and it's immensely difficult. Trying to deal with them, while caring for a baby (my youngest) is NO JOKE. You never know what tests or burdens or pains Allah is sparing you, in what He withholds from you, just remember that.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam sister,
allah always answers our duas, not on our timing but when he knows it is best for us. children are a very big responsibilty, and require constant attention and care. you say you feel you are struggling with just a part time job and prayers, how would you cope if on top of that you had a baby to look after? maby allah is not answering your dua as you first need to get yourself strong, positive, and in a good frame of mind where you feel you can balance work/prayers and life before being giving the responsibilty of anouther human.
as for your job and husbands. keep doing dua. having faith means you also have to put in efforts? are you both applying for jobs consistently? have your tried job centres? fix up your CV, and apply maximum effort. have faith allah will reward your patience and the right job will present itself.
never give up hope on allahs power and mercy. his timing is always perfect
Sister, you only have one problem.
It's the comparing disease. Never compare yourself to anyone else.
Don't think that having a home or children will make you happy. If you are not happy now, you won't be happy later. I will repeat it....if you are not happy with your life now, you will never ever be happy because people will have something better...alway! Someone will have a better job, a better home, better behaved kids, more money, etc etc etc.
You have a home, equals more expenses and responsibilities. You have kids, MORE stress, a lot mote stress.
Find peace now, find joy now, find happiness with your life at this moment and things will work out.
Ofcourse make dua for better things, but be at peace with where you are.
And please erase this American dream fantasy out of your head, many people look happy on the outside by having a home and having kids, but each person has their own struggle.
Take care of yourself, find joy everyday. Also volunteer, keep busy be part of the masjid and don't let these ideas in the media get into your head about what your life should be like. Just have a life purpose, do good and inshallah you will get what Allah has willed to happen fir you.
My husband refuses to go for training or take a course or apply for a better job. We fight all the time. Then, on top of that I am on disability and only make 730 dollars a month on top of my teacher's aide job which is only 14 dollars an hour, 3 days a week, an extra 700 a month. To keep my disability, I can't make over 1000 dollars a month. I am not in the condition to get a full time job, and my husband only makes 10 dollars an hour, 40 hours a week. It's not enough to get an apartment anywhere, and affordable housing isn't easy to get, though I've applied for it.
I am grateful I have my parents and shelter and food, but I know they will not be around forever. Whenever I try to pray to Allah five times a day and read Quran inthe morning, I see the Shaytan trying to kill me so I stop praying out of fear. I don't know what Allah expects from me since I truly want to pray and read Quran but become delusional and stressed when I do.
I want to be able to handle stress better and hold down a job full time and have kids and a house. The reality is I've never been able to handle stress well and even had a nervous breakdown in college when I was 19. I was on disability at 20 and have been on it for 13 years and haven't really improved.
I don't menstruate any more and am overweight because of meds. I have been to the infertility doctor and he told me to take medication to help me menstruate otherwise I would develop more problems, like uterine cancer. My husband has barely had sex with me for the five years we have been married, which also makes me depressed. He isn't much of a husband, but I try to be patient. He is also very verbally abusive, but my parents don't say anything to him about his behavior. My mom cooks him good food and doesn't say anything to him about why he refuses to get a better job.
Don't know what to do and feel things will be like this for a long time. Please help me!
Assalaamu Alaykum,
So you're saying that between you and your husband you are bringing in around $3000/month, but can't afford rent? Sister, unless you are living in New York or CA etc, that is a quite affordable income for rent in most US cities. A modest one bedroom apartment is well within your budget. In addition, organizations like NACA can assist with home purchase. I got mine through working with them. A $36,000 a year income is not the worst, even though it's still considered "low income". Many newlywed couples are not even that well off.
If you are on disability this means the state covers all your health expenses, so any infertility or other medical issues should be covered in full. Going on meds to have cycles may or may not be enough, and of course it all depends on what type of meds you take for that. Birth control will regulate your cycle but it won't help in getting pregnant, obviously. And needless to say, not being sexual doesn't help either.
Medicaid should also cover counseling, which I definitely think you need between the chronic mental illness, pessimism, and hallucinations/delusions when you are praying. I realize you are taking meds, but I wonder if they are the right doses or kinds. It doesn't seem like all your symptoms are being properly managed.
I think your bigger issue is you're not really happy in your marriage. You said your husband is verbally abusive and apparently unmotivated to better himself. I think that alone causes you to resent him. It doesn't make sense to look at making big commitments like a home purchase or having kids when your marriage isn't even in a secure place. I understand that you both are living with your parents, but it isn't really their responsibility to address your husband's behavior. You need to talk to him directly and try to work toward solving your marital issues together, and if you reach an impasse then you can ask your parents to help moderate discussions if needed.
In a nutshell you're looking for solutions to come from outside you, but even with a mental illness you have to find a will and way to help better your situation. That can become easier if you have a support network and treatment team helping you balance your symptoms against the realities of your circumstances. Outside of that, I suspect you will continue to feel dissatisfied and out of control.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Do not be disappointed and do SABR - and Shukar - I am also undergoing through the same issue somehow. go to google, and try to write 'HOW TO OVERCOME DEPRESSION ISLAMICALLY" You will find good answers there.
I pray for you sister and you pray for me.
regards,
Arshed
I live in NJ, and making 3000 a month isn't enough anywhere, except the ghetto, which will give me more anxiety and depression on top of what I'm dealing with now.
Sister Amy, I do have medicaid and medicare and see a psychiatrist and therapist to manage my symptoms. Ramadan has been hard for me, because I get very agitated and upset easily and my brain hurts a lot, so I had to break my fast twice this month. After eating, my symptoms went away.
I don't know why I saw the shaytan after praying five times and reading Quran? Why would Allah allow this to happen. Even on meds, this happened to me. When I stopped praying and reading Quran, I no longer saw him. Now, all I do is listen to islamic lectures on youtube and listen to nasheeds to relax me and make me feel better because praying and reading Quran make me crazy and delusional.
I have tried to have a talk with my husband, but he won't listen when it comes to finding a better job. He refuses sex all the time, is verbally abusive and emotionally unsupportive, and I think my parents should say something to him because he isn't listening to me.
I have tried to hold onto Islam, but my faith is slowly slipping away day by day. I see people who are anti-Islam with happy and successful lives, while mine is filled with nothing but suffering. Don't understand all of this, causing me to lose faith. Don't know what to do.
Also, my mother has been treating me very badly and tries to put me down whenever she can. When I needed her to pick me up from the hospital, where I am seeing my psychiatrist and therapist, she brought a relative along so that everyone knows I am going for mental health treatment. I don't want any of my relatives to know because they would put me down even more. My mother has made my life hell and living with her isn't easy. I've been hospitalized in 2012 because of her ill treatment. I've said bad language to her because I felt like I was cornered into a wall the way she has been bullying me and treating me so bad. I try to respect her, but it isn't easy. All I'm grateful for is shelter and food, that's it. She isn't a supportive mother at all and sometimes I find that I hate her though I try to stifle those feelings since we are told in Islam that jannah lies under the mother's feet, but I'm only human and can't help hating her the way she treats me.
By the way, she doesn't treat my older sister or my two younger brothers like this. Only me. She also doesn't want me to succeed. I know you will tell me that isn't true, but it is. She always wants to know what I'm doing so that she can tell my aunt and then she can put me down. I just ignore her and hide things from her. Living with her and being married, is nothing but hell as she tries to turn my husband against me and insults me in front of him at the dinner table, making my husband verbally abuse me even more.
I can't help hating her so much that's especially why I want to leave my parents' house, but my husband doesn't listen. I stay in my room most of the time, but my mother always wants to bother me to make my life hell. I'm sorry, I try so hard to respect her, but she corners me always and I sometimes find that she compels me to use bad language to her, but then I repent to Allah in my mind (I don't pray to Him because of the delusions).
But with all the hell I'm going through, day by day I'm slowly losing faith in Islam.
Your situation is difficult. But Islam did not cause your problems, so why lose faith in it?
Amy has given you excellent advice. Please go back and re-read her comments. Instead of making excuses why things cannot change, look for ways to make them change. Make a plan for real change and follow it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I did read her advice Wael, and don't know why you don't understand that I've turned to Islam, only to become delusional. You always write negative things against me, so I could care less what you have to say to me. I know what I'm going through.
Things won't change if my illness doesn't improve and my husband doesn't get a better job. I've been crying to Allah for years to make things better, but they never do. If you haven't been through what I've been through, you should be the last to be talking.
Assalaamualaikam
One thing I've found over the years is that people can quite often find that, if they have delusional symptoms, these can involve their faith in some way. When we're desperate and seeking answers, we turn to faith - so when a person's mind is at its most vulnerable, illness can create symptoms around the very things we're turning to for support. Then, once a person has those symptoms, it can be hard to break the connections.
What might help, inshaAllah, would be to approach your faith in a different way, to forge new connections that don't trigger those delusional symptoms.
Maybe start by reading a book about something from Islam that you've found comforting or inspiring in the past - maybe a biography of The Prophet (peace be upon him) or an account of the lives of his wives (may Allah be pleased with them), or something about Islamic culture? Take your time, enjoy it, and inshaAllah you may find that you then want to read more about that part of Islam, and then about other parts as well... Listening to lectures and nasheeds is a good idea as well, so keep doing that. You could then try listening to recitations of the Quran as well?
You mention that you're fasting, so it's important as well to consider how fasting can affect your health. Remember that people may be excused from fasting if it would jeopardise their health - have you checked with your doctor that you're well enough to fast? If you're on medication, are you still taking it at the right times - even a change of a couple of hours can be enough to exacerbate symptoms if someone is also under stress?
It can sometimes help as well to try psychological techniques and tips to help look at things in a different light.
For example, you could try a "negative thought fast" - where you decide that for a certain period of time, you aren't going to allow yourself to dwell on negative thoughts, and if one comes up, you put it aside and reassure yourself that you can think about it once you've finished your fast. At first, try with short periods of time - maybe even start with 5 or 10 minutes - and build up from there. This can, inshaAllah, help you learn to tolerate having a negative thought without it becoming overwhelming, and to put negative thoughts aside and do other things instead.
You could also try listing things that make you glad or that you found comforting - maybe keep a diary and try to come up with something on as many days as you can. It could be something big or something small (even things like "the sun was shining" or "I saw a guy hold a door open for an old lady"), but inshaAllah you'll find something that reminds you that the world doesn't completely suck - then on the days when you feel that it does, you can look back in your diary and see that things haven't always been this bad.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Midnightmoon, your response is very helpful unlike Wael. He is always mean and negative in his replys when I am seriously having problems.
I really don't know why I am becoming delusional after praying and reading Quran, but I hope I can get my faith back by listening to your advice. I'll try what you said. I also hope my financial situation improves with time. Keep me in your prayers!
Is it still hard to find a job in 2015? I hear the economy is picking up. Still, even if it's hard that doesn't excuse my husband for not even trying to find something better. I can understand if you tried, and can't find anything, but not trying at all is inexcusable. Also, my mother wants to kick us out of the house. Don't know what to do....feel scared to be in the streets.
sister, everyone has given good advice, but your comments towards brother wael are abit harsh. no one is trying to offend you, rather we are here to support and help you. he was only trying to offer advice.
firstly alhamdulillah, you say you earn 3000 a month? sister that is more than affordable for a small place of your own, i know couples who are earning much less than that and have thier own place where you say you are from. it seems you are stuck in your own negative mindset. you are placing far to much focus on all the negatives and not on the positves. you cant have everything perfect and sometimes we have to make sacrifces. if you cannot afford your own place, complaining and comparing yourself to ppl who do is not a solution and will not achieve anything. it seems you are listing reasons why it cant happen rather than actively take steps to make it happen. go out and actively look for accommodation within your budget. if you feel that your budget is low (personally i feel its not as its more than enough) then start to save until you can put down a deposit for a place you feel is suitable. it may not be ideal living with your parents, but as you say money is tight, having your own place right now will be a bigger burden will entail a bigger financial responsibility.
secondly it sounds like you are unhappy in your marriage. brining a child into this marriage should not even be a focus for you right now regardless of your desire to have a baby. that would be unwise and not fair on the child. i feel u would not be able to give the baby the love and attention it would need when you struggling to cope and look after urself. .you need to work on your relationship with your husband first and foremost. 5 years without intamcy is too long. there seems to be deeper issues here. only once you and your husband have a good level of love and understand, would i consider starting a family.
you ask if it is difficult to find a job in 2015? if your husband is not looking have your tried asking him his reasons? you could sit and help him look, and show him he has your support rather than putting pressure which men tend to see as nagging. you keep saying " i cant work full time i get stressed". sister, you say u r living with parents, are they paying for your bills food?do they ask for rent?it is your husbands duty to islamicaaly provide, why are you working at the moment and where does your money go? i think the first and most important thing is for you to break this cycle of i am a victim/ i have a mental illlness and i get stressed. sister yes you may have an illness but everyone goes through stresses day to day, its how u handle it. your priority shoudl not be money/children but first and foremost try and overcome your mental issues. quit your job, and focus on your health. everyday try and wake up positive. be happpy and look for things to be thankfull for. if you feel working is to much of a burden, maby its not wise for you to be working at all. let your husband take the strain of providing.
you say your parents want to kick you out and you will be on streets. sister, i really hipe it doesnt come to that but what is your husband doing to ensure he is proviidng for you? it doesnt real seem he wants to be in this marriage. do you have any relatives or froends that you could stay with untill you and your husband get on your feet? allah always provides for a beleiver, and i know you say you get "delusional" when you pray but you urself are letting the sahitan win, you say you pray and you get thoughs so you stop. as hard as it is, keep praying. if these thoughtd come, ward them off bit by bit, but whatever u do do not miss a prayer. read quran after each namaz but start of reading one page. no matter how hard how sressed you get push yourself in sha allah it will get easier.
how do you expect to ever get better or to break free from these thoughts if you give up and let shaitan win each and every time and say..i get stressed. sister life is tough. i know your sistuation must be hard but honestly i know ppl right now in much worse.
you are your own victim here.
please take steps to turn your life around and not let the excuse of stress continue this cycle. do you want the next 5 years spent this way? only you can change your future.
you can either feel sorry foryoursef/make excuses and focus on all the negatives or you can start to make a better future.
i hope nothing has offended you. i really do hope you take the steps to make change in your life
His reasons are that he doesn't want more responsibilities that come with a better job. I also don't know why he is never interested in intimacy, but he says he's tired. He's been saying that since we've been married. I told him to see a doctor, but he doesn't have insurance, and now is trying to apply for state health insurance.
I don't know why you are thinking I'm feeling sorry for myself and making excuses? I have tried everything to be proactive and I'm struggling. Just because people may have worse than me, doesn't make my struggles any less.
I always feel Brother Wael is rude to me and unhelpful in his responses. That's my feeling.
In terms of avoiding praying, I've tried to ease into it, but it isn't easy. I tend to get very delusional when I try to pray five times a day consistently. I won't give up though.
In NJ, 3000 a month won't get you far. I think we can afford maximum 800 a month apartment and that will get you in the ghetto, which I am afraid to live there. I don't know how the people you know are affording an apartment less than our income in NJ, but it may be in a less than desirable area.
I don't know why you are saying I am making excuses and feeling sorry for myself when I have been very proactive. Just because you know some people with worse situations, doesn't make my struggles somehow less.
Dear Sister.
Assalam alykum,
Can you please elaborate on the mental illness you have, so that we could help you better.
Thanks.
May Allah make it easy for you.
I have depression and anxiety. Because I saw the shaytan a couple of times during prayer, the doctor diagnosed me as schizoaffective disorder, but several sisters have told me that some people can see the shaytan, but a lot of muslims wouldn't believe it because they are westernized. I know several imams who perform exorcisms, as jinns and shaytan are real phenomenon.
Ok. I understand your situation and what you are going through, it must be a very hard time for you riight now.
It is. That's why I don't understand why Wael is trying to minimize my difficulties.
You seem to have fixated on my comment. Did you notice that the first thing I said is, "Your situation is difficult." I am not minimizing your problems.
On the other hand, I see you minimizing your own blessings, your abilities and your opportunities.
In any situation we can blame others, blame fate, blame God, and look for reasons why things cannot change; or we can take responsibility for our own lives and look for ways - however difficult - to change our lives for the better.
There's more I could say, but you're not in a state of mind to hear my words right now.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am trying to be proactive, but I guess if you haven't been through my difficulties you wouldn't understand.
Salaam sister,
I think your right, no one can truly understand the difficulties that your facing because their not going through it themselves. But sister honestly everyone on here including brother wael are defintly trying to help you, although perhaps you don't like their style of giving advice.
With re: to your mental health problems, are you taking any medication? Have you been for therapy etc? Also speak to your husband and ask him why he doesn't want extra responsibility? With any job the higher up you go, the more the responsibility - it's not easy at the top, but also the rewards are greater. Ultimately, your husband needs to understand that he's the man of the house, he needs to step up to the responsibility regardless of how hard it might be.
What's your relationship like with your husband in general ? Is he quite understanding, can you talk to him about how you feel etc. I think having a good relationship with your spouse is vital in helping to improve your mental health.
With re: to living, perhaps ask your parents to help you? Could they possibly lend you some money to buy a small modest place to live, and you can repay them little by little?
It's such a blessed month, keep praying to Allah swt. One of the conditions for your dua becoming accepted is that you don't give up hope in Allah swt. Keep praying. Also recite the surah Fatiha, ayatul Qursi and the three quls as often as possible. Keep in wudu as much as you can. Ask Allah swt to protect you and bring you closer to Him, and to engulf you in His mercy.
I pray Allah swt eases your troubles, and answers your duas the way you want them to be answered. Ameen.
Also, do you have any hobbies. Exercise can help to improve the natural balance of chemicals in the brain which help with mental well being too. Also, keeping your brain active by doing other things like reading, painting, etc etc will help to keep you distracted from thoughts of anxiety and depression.
I guess I don't like the way Wael writes when he addresses me. It seems very mean and offensive. Maybe he doesn't mean to, but it gets me upset because it feels like he is being condescending to me.
Anyway, in regards to your many questions, yes, I do go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and therapist for treatment. I have tried to nicely explain to my husband that he is the man in the relationship and has to be able to provide, but it goes through deaf ears. I've pretty much given up saying anything to him, because when I try to nicely tell him this, he gets defensive. He even told me that I have to go out and be the breadwinner since he feels my education is more extensive than his. Oh, and in regards to applying for better jobs, he just says he can't handle the stress. He even got promoted as assistant manager in his retail position, but turned it down because he told me it would be more work that he couldn't handle. I don't know what to say to him...
In terms of our relationship, he isn't very emotional supportive. I tend to not share my feelings with him because he always doesn't understand and gets upset. So, I just don't tell him anything. I mainly talk to my therapist and psychiatrist about my feelings.
I don't think I can ask my parents for help. My dad pretty much said that he will give all his possessions to the government because he feels like no one cares about him. I have tried to talk to him and be close with him in his old age, but he's always angry, so I get scared and say maybe a few words to him. I also can't ask my parents because they said they paid for my college and given me shelter and food for so long, and now it's time for me and my husband to stand up on our own. I do agree with them. My husband really isn't trying anything at all. I don't want to take advantage of my parents. I don't even want to ask them for a car or anything because my mother said I'm too much a burden to her, when I've been nothing but helpful to her. I've always lent her money and helped her in the convenience business and cooked and cleaned, but she clearly doesn't like me at all and treats me so badly compared to my other siblings. I can't ask her and my father to help me out.
It is definitely a blessed month, but I haven't prayed consistently for fear of seeing the shaytan again. I saw him in 2012 and it was very traumatic. I always thought the gates of hell are closed during Ramadan and the shaytan can't get you, but I guess that's not the case. I'm thinking to consult an imam who knows about these things. There are people that can see jinns and shaytan. I think some imams even perform exorcisms. Dr. Yasir Qadhi even confirms that these things are real, but a lot of muslims wouldn't believe it since only few can see these things. Don't know why I am one of them....
I am trying to exercise, but I feel it takes quite an effort. I suffer from low energy and can't really seem to stick with it. I've joined gyms, and exercised in my room to aerobic exercise you tube videos, but can't seem to continue with it due to extreme fatigue. I know.. you will say that's another excuse, but I'm seriously. I've been to doctors to check my iron levels because I thought I was anemic, but they didn't find anything.
I do like to read and write a lot. I have a subscription to an Islamic magazine that has all kinds of inspiring articles regarding Islamic issues, and it keeps me trying to fight my problems with prayer and reading Quran.
Thanks for writing in such a nice way. If Wael did that, it would definitely be more helpful instead of that harsh, scolding tone of writing he always has.
Salaam sister,
First of all I can see that your quite affected by Waels comments. Sister as far as my understanding goes if it wasn't for wael this site probably wouldn't have existed, so despite the fact that your upset with him, try to also see that he's opened up a channel for you to seek advice. I'm sure he meant well, but if his comments have upset you try to forgive, forget and let go. I'm sure he's also starting to feel a little offended/hurt by you constantly referring back to him. And before you say I'm taking sides, I'm not, just saying let it go.
With regards to your situation, sister I don't think it's just your mental health that's effecting things. It's clear that there are A lot of other complications.
I don't want to say too much regarding your husband because I don't want to add to your troubles, but he sounds very irresponsible. He's a burden. He's not providing you with emotional, financial support and on top of that he's denying intimacy. He's not giving you Hardly any of your rights. Was this an arranged marriage ? Why is he so reluctant to fulfil his role as the husband. He's wrong about you being the breadwinner! It doesn't matter if you have had more eduction, it's his responsibility and in fact what you said about Allah not answering your duas about your husband not finding a good job, well that's not the case. It's not Allah, the problem is your husband. Allah blessed him with an opportunity for a higher ranking job but he declined out of sheer laziness. That's ungrateful!
To be honest, I don't even think the main problem is with you. Yes I understand you have mental health issues and seriously seeing the shaytaan, I can't imagine how frightening that must be but honey stop being so hard on yourself, your trying your best, but things aren't made easy for you at home, there's only so much you can do by yourself.
Your right about not taking advantage of your parents, and to be honest now that you've elaborated a little more about your husband I don't think that would be wise. I really do feel that you need to change your dua. You need to ask Allah swt to guide your husband and place iman in his heart. I understand that your trying to improve your deen, but also try to encourage your husband to do the same. Start going to the masjid on a regular basis and take your husband with you. Start meeting couples perhaps who are of a good background, good morals etc so that your husband can be positively influenced. Also, can your parents perhaps Advise your husband about his role as a husband? Obviously I don't want you to ruin your marriage, and I don't want you to openly start criticising your husband because he'll start getting defensive but he is a big part of the problem. In a way not having any children yet is a blessing in disguise.
With re: to shaytaan - I know that jinn/black magic do exist. I know that your experience of actually seeing the devil was frightening, just thinking about it is scaring me. But sister, we should only fear Allah swt. You have had a frightening experience during salaah but that's one of the tricks of the shaytaan to take you away from prayers and to distance you from Allah swt. Please fight this. You mentioned being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder - do you have any other hallucinations/symptoms? Were you taking medication when you last saw the shaytaan?
I think your right about speaking to an imam, try to also find someone reliable who can perform ruqyah. But if there are jinns/shaytaan involved it's important that you keep up with at least your five daily prayers, and read verses from the Quran like i mentioned earlier, blow ayatul Qursi and the three quls on yourself and ask your husband to do the same.
Overall, I think you shouldn't Be so hard on yourself. Allah is listening to you, He hears your duas, and I'm sure you will be rewarded for your patience. Have faith in yourself, and remember that for your duas to come true you need your husband on board too, he needs to want to change his situation for your duas to become reality.
I think just for the time being, try to block out eveyrhing and anyone else and just focus on yourself. Get the treatment necessary, both medical and Islamic to get your mental health and iman back on track. Once your stronger and happier within yourself, then focus on everyone and everything else.
I'm really sorry if i have offended you at all, just trying to advise as best as I can.
Oh and I forgot to mention that either pray or just play surah bakhara in your house every three days - that's supposed to keep the Devils out of the house. Also say your daily prayers - eg when you wake up, sleep, enter or leave the bathroom, seek refuge from the shaytaan and ask other family members to do the same when you enter the house. There are lots of little duas and zikr etc that you should say for different things throughout the day which will help to keep the devil at bay.
I pray sincerely that Allah swt makes things easy for you and blesses you with happiness and success both in this world and the hereafter, Ameen.
Also try listening to these links:
http://youtu.be/dnUNrigSzg4
http://youtu.be/veujylk-1yY
There was another lecture by shaikh tawfique where he was talking about how Allah is what we think of Him, it was a beautiful lecture but I can't find the link.
Just wondered why my comment was awaiting moderation ? Is it because of the you tube links?
Also wondering the same about my comments. Why is it awaiting moderation?
Assalaamualaikam
Posts with several links in are often held for moderation - that way we can check that the links are safe. It's part of the anti-spam protection we have, so don't worry about it, it happens in most cases where several links are posted.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Thank you so much for you kind advice. You've been very understanding and helpful. I'm sorry I hurt Wael's feelings by constantly referring to him in a negative way. I've just been through so much and although he may not have meant it, I felt he wasn't taking my issues seriously. I am very grateful to him for making this website. I didn't know he played a major part in its creation. If that is true, I am very thankful to him and may Allah bless him for helping out his Muslim brothers and sisters who are facing so many issues and don't know where to turn to. This anonymous forum gives them the chance to open up and not feel afraid of being exposed, like hotlines or counseling, though those are also good resources as well. I will let it go and forgive him. Since he is the creator of this website, I guess he didn't mean to be offensive. Sorry Brother Wael!
In regards to my husband, my mother introduced me to him through a relative and then I started talking to him on Skype. He was working in Kuwait at the time and showed me that he could provide and everything and I was very impressed, so I agreed to the marriage. So, since we did talk and I consented to it, I guess it's not technically a traditional arranged marriage, where both partners do not even talk or anything before marriage. However, since he immigrated here to the US, I've realized that he's misled me big time. He has sex with me once every five months, watches tv all the time when he could use his free time to look for a better job, and just isn't emotionally supportive. I've been dealing with this for five long years and I'm losing patience.
Thank you for understanding my struggles with my marriage. I think I posted previously before on here about my husband and I got so frustrated that I called him a loser because his behavior isn't that of a winner, but Brother Wael (I know you don't want me to refer to him), automatically came to my husband's defense saying that a wife needs to lift her husband up, but he didn't even hear me out how my husband has been denying me since marriage, and how much I've tried to be patient and supportive. Other sisters would have left this marriage long ago, not staying for five years like I have. I do agree with you. I could be having mental health problems because of my circumstances. Anyone would break down under these conditions.
I've tried to encourage my husband to go to mosque with me and Islamic events. He does go to the mosque, but doesn't like me to go with him. He hates that I wear hijab and wants me to wear my hair out with saris and shalwar kameez. He is also very much into all things Bollywood. There's a new drama on tv called Veera on starplus and he watches it all the time and also spends a lot of time watching other channels, instead of looking for better jobs. My parents are afraid to say anything to him. A lot of times he yells at me for no reason, and my mother automatically defends him. They are enabling his behavior.
I've even tried to call his family, but they only took his side and blamed me because I am a woman. My husband is also very manipulative. I've given him money many times to support him, and he takes from me and sends it back home to his older brother who is building a 6 floor apartment. He also doesn't save money with me. I saved all the money and he used it to buy a used car. He didn't contribute a penny!
I know Allah cannot help us if my husband refuses to take his help. I don't blame Allah. He has presented many opportunities for me and my husband, but he refuses it. So you can't blame Allah if you don't take his help. I am worried at this rate, I may never have children if he doesn't change. He's been making excuses about jobs and intimacy for five years and I'm getter older and older! All he does when he is home is watch tv and call his relatives and go on vacation to Canada, New York, and Michigan with the little money he earns instead of saving it for a security deposit for an apartment and looking for a better job. He also told me he wants to go back home when he hasn't even established himself at all in the US! On Eid, he wants to visit his sister and brother-in-law in Michigan, instead of spending it with me.
I tried to play Surah Bakarah, and then the ambulance took me to the hospital. When I was in the ER, I saw the Shaytan through the nurses and doctors, and he was trying to kill me on Ramadan in 2012. I will definitely seek help through an imam. Maybe they can do Ruqyah since black magic is a real force.
Again, thank you for your support and may Allah bless you and Wael for making this website. Hope to hear from you soon!
Thanks for your apology, and I too apologize if it seemed like I was minimizing your difficulties or criticizing you personally.
Yes, I am the founder and administrator of this website. I created it 17 years ago, in 1998, and there has hardly been a day in all those years that I have not worked on it. In that time our team has answered almost 6,000 questions. I give credit for that to our excellent editorial staff, and to Allah who makes all things possible.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam sister,
Does the devil appear at other times or only during prayer? Perhaps the Meds need to be changed to help control your symptoms but equally important is that you quickly find a ruqyah who can help to determine if there is jinn involvement and advise you how to overcome it.
With regards to your husband I haven't read your previous post, but he really does sound irresponsible. From what I can see he's been spoilt, everything has literally been handed to him on a plate. Why would he put the effect in to work if he doesn't need to. Your parents are housing him and supporting his bad habits. Your lending him money when he needs it etc etc. He's like a child, he needs boundaries and your parents really do need to support you with this. They need to take away the comforts and throw him straight into the deep end so that it forces him to man up and understand his responsibilities. You also need to stop giving him money! Go and invest your money somewhere so that even if he asks for it you won't have any to give to him ! Tell him that if he's going away on holiday you want to go with him, that's the whole point of marriage. Sister it would be so difficult to raise children with this man. At this point I'm not sure how to advise you regarding your husband, it just doesn't seem like Much of a marriage - if the foundation is weak, it'll make it difficult for you to achieve the rest of your dreams eg children, financial stability, nice house etc. Perhaps your husband should go with you for couples counselling, if there is a Muslim counsellor/imam etc - he needs to understand where he is going wrong, or if he has self esteem issues or other problems they need to come out to the surface.
Still, at the moment, I think you should try to put aside these other feelings and only focus on yourself. Try real hard to get your mental wellbeing back to normal. Only once your stable and strong will you be able to effectively deal with the other situations.
I know I keep posting links on here but this is a good book, when I feel hopeless I read it and it reminds me of how powerful dua is and Allah's mercy - it's called golden stories of accepted prayers by malik mujahid.
Oh, and yes I was taking medication when I saw the Shaytan during prayers.
You mentioned you have schizophrenia, that may have to do with why you are seeing the devil, its more likely an hallucination, or an illusion but it seems like reality.
Have you mentioned this to a doctor? You should read this article, it gives a full walkthrough relating to what you have mentioned
http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Hallucinations.html
-Another thing , seeing the devil may not actually have anything to do with a persons religion but more likely the right side of their brain. A schizophrenic mind is a lot more creative and spontaneous then any average mind meaning it relies a lot more on the right hemisphere of the brain.
Just noticed that you mentioned it was in 2012, I wonder if it had anything to do with the nonsense that the world was going to end.
I was on medication in 2012 when I saw the Shaytan. Why would I see him if my medications were properly managed? I really doubt it is schizoaffective disorder because the shaytan only comes out when I am praying and reading Quran. Seems like he doesn't want me to go to jannah. Black magic is very real according to many Islamic scholars like Dr. Yasir Qadhi and Muhammad Tim Humble. I knew there would be muslims on here who would not believe it and attribute it to mental illness. It's because few people can see this phenomenon. There are many imams who perform exorcisms, but I know there will be people on here that will just dismiss it as mental illness.
As for my husband, I only gave him money a few times to be supportive, but he took advantage of my kindness. I wasn't enabling him like my mother clearly has by paying for channels he wants on tv and making really good food constantly for him and refusing to have a family meeting with him. No one seems to want to say anything to him, so he gets very comfortable where he is and doesn't want to change.
I have an appointment next week with a muslim counselor. Hopefully, it might help for my husband to know what his responsibilities are. I have taken him to non-muslim counselors, but he didn't want to listen to them. Don't know if seeing a muslim counselor will help him see the light.
You're right. There is no real foundation in this marriage and it seems like it's not really a marriage, but I'm trying to be patient and hope the muslim counselor or someone will make my husband understand.
Thank you Wael for this wonderful website and may Allah bless you with jannah for helping the muslim community. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this resource for support. I really appreciate it!
Ameen to your dua and may Allah swt reward you for your patience.
I think Muslim counsellors are probably better than non Muslim - simply because they have a better understanding of the patients cultural and religious background and can advise accordingly. I pray Allah swt helps your husband to acknowledge and act upon his responsibilities.
Your taking all the right steps sis, keep up the good work - counsellors/imam/raqi/prayers/medication/psychiatrist - your heading in the right direction but your probably going to tested along the way, especially if there is jinn involvement.
May Allah swt make it easy for you, Ameen. please also keep me in your prayers.
Oh and I doubt it had something to do with the world coming to an end in 2012. I did see dajjal though...don't know if there's a correlation....
Last night, I tried to put my arm around his waist as a sign of affection, and my husband yelled at me, rather screamed at me, and called me a bloody bastard. Then, he said his life is suffering because of me and he would move to Michigan to be with his brother-in-law and older sister and nephew. After I helped him with getting citizenship and taught him how to drive!
He also screamed at me and called me a stupid f- word because my smart phone was breaking up and I couldn't hear the person who called me on the other end. I asked the person I would call them back and he proceeded to say you are a dumb idiot f- word because my phone wasn't working. Screaming at me like this for something so minor!
He also told me that all his family support him, even my parents support him and that he will leave me. I said to him that they don't know your reality, only what you tell them. Everyone seems to be enabling him when he isn't acting right. Now, I'm doubting muslim counseling will work because he is very manipulative. No one wants to call him out on his behavior and when I tell them what he does, they turn the other cheek and support him. This is just so ridiculous. I am mad at my parents for not putting him in his place for acting this way in their house....they take his side all the time and don't say a word to him.
What's the reason for this behaviour ? It's abusive and vile ? Did he change once he got the citizenship ? Has anything happened to cause so much resentment? I hope this counselling helps, and prayers too - you really should seek out a raqi and try to rule out any jinn involvement.
But also, Find comfort in the fact that nothing happens without Allahs will. So keep asking Allah for his mercy - wake up at tahajud time and cry to Him in your prayers, be hopeful that He will answer your prayers.
The best advice I can think of at the moment is don't deal with Too many things in one go. Focus mainly on yourself. It doesn't matter what your parents or husband say or do, as hard as it is block it out and focus on improving your mindset. Also as things start to improve try to move forward career wise too, save up money, but keep it to yourself. Even if, Your husband doesn't want to improve and leaves you, you'll be in a better position both financially, and emotionally. As he is at the moment, what difference would it make whether he was with you or leaves you. He's like a hologram - he's not doing very much.
I have limitations when it comes to employment. I am only working part time as a teacher's aide and get disability, 730 dollars a month. I only make 1500 a month. That's not enough to get an apartment anywhere in NJ. Maybe I can get a room? Those tend to be cheaper. Section 8 is closed everywhere. I've applied for disability housing, but those are waiting lists.
I don't know why his behavior is so vile. He seems to have gained both my family's support and his family's support. I believe he took advantage of my kindness. He has been verbally abusive from day 1....now I'm regretting I helped him so much. I was trying to earn my credits to jannah, but even I have reacted to his ill behavior by getting upset. I'm not perfect, but I tried my best to be a good wife.
If I divorce him, the whole community will blame me because I am a woman. Even if the man was a criminal, he seems to get support from the community and the woman is told she is the reason he left her. Like women are all evil and there are no good women in this world! Don't understand why the community is like this. He will just lie to everyone and say I was a bad woman to his family and everyone back home and they will happily find him another wife. I will be talked down to for getting divorced. That's really the only reason I'm staying.
Oh, and my husband is a handsome man so the counselors who are usually female, tend to listen to him even though he is lying. One even told me to leave the room because they said I was getting upset and they needed to listen to my husband. After I came back, she told me how lucky I was to get such a good man! He even tricked the counselors into thinking he is an ideal husband, when he hasn't been anything like that at all. I'm afraid he will do the same with the muslim counselor. No one wants to call him out on his behavior. Everyone has turned against me and I feel so alone. My husband just told me now that he bought a GreyHound ticket to go to Michigan to see his family there without me. He plans to stay there and never come back to NJ. He says his family will be looking for another wife for him. I guess he used me for citizenship and driver's license...I wonder do men get held accountable on the day of judgement for such vile, criminal, deceitful behavior with their wives? Or do women get punished for standing up against it? He also built a six story building back home with the money I gave to him out of the kindness of my heart....I didn't realize he would take advantage of my kindness. I thought he would appreciate it.
I tried so hard to be a good wife. Even after marriage when he was working in Kuwait, I sent him a gift basket full of goodies for his birthday and always gave him thoughtful anniversary gifts. I sent him nice shirts from Guess when he was in Kuwait, only to be taken advantage of! Now I don't give him anything any more because he doesn't appreciate my kindness. He takes advantage of it. Everyone warned me he was using me for citizenship and this marriage is a mistake. Even my brother warned me, but I thought if I was loving and supportive that wouldn't happen. Now I'm really wishing I could go back in time and never agreed to this marriage. If only Allah showed me the future! I would have said no to this miserable marriage. Now I'm stuck and don't know what to do....except have patience and turn to Allah for guidance.
Stop trying to hard to be a good wife! You've tried and it didn't work. Divorce happened in the prophets pbuh's time, in fact all except for One of the prophets wives were either widows or divorcees. only people with poor morals will start putting you down for divorcing him - why would you even want to associate with them? I'm not advocating divorce because that's your decision, but the bottom line is who really cares what the community thinks ? I understand your dilemma, divorce has a taboo attached to it, I myself am going through marital breakdown and when I go through moments of low self esteem which is natural I think negative thoughts too. But you need to have trust in Allah swt, Allah has given you rights as a wife and a human, and your husband isn't fulfilling them. Why are you letting him treat you this way?
My husband is extremely handsome too, softly spoken and unbelievably manipulative! He turned my own brother against me. My brother who is highly educated with amazing morals and the most just and generous person I've ever known. My husband managed to turn him against me! But I didn't care. I knew I was right, instead of arguing with my brother I stopped talking to him. I'm not sure if I did the right thing, but I didn't think confronting my brother would make any difference instead I let him be. But alhamdulillah, after months of my husband torturing me and putting me down in front of my family and his, he got exposed himself and very badly! He was exposed for Zina - yes it hurt but I feel like the only reason he was exposed despite me trusting him blindly and not looking for any clues is because he was unjust with me and Allah gave me justice.
So sister, please don't worry about the community or what your family might think. Allah has given you free will, and knowledge, use it to do what's best for yourself.
If your really worried about your husband manipulating a woman counseller book in with a male instead. Keep calm and collected during the sessions, let him speak and then u say your bit. Don't get upset or emotional.
Despite my husband being handsome etc and whatever he's done to me, sister, I still tried to value myself and that's what you need to do. I still believe I have the upper hand. My husband is good looking and can lie and manipulate but that's literally all he has. Despite him putting me down I still maintained myself, and tried to look good - he knows I look good but still puts me down because it makes him feel better. I struggled but managed to finish my training, although I was so Close to losing ten years of hard work, and now I'm mashallah financially stable, have a good job, and have a positive future ahead of me. He has none of this. He's stuck at home with his mum because like your husband he's too coward and irresponsible to take on a proper job and build his future.
Anyway. I know this isn't about me, and I'm not trying to put my husband down, but I'm putting things into perspective. I know it's hard, but you really need to put aside what your husband, family and community think of you. It doesn't matter. You need to build your relationship with Allah swt and ask Him to lift you up and engulf you in His mercy. He will make ways for you.
You need to work towards becoming independent and feeling better. Think only about yourself, not your husband and not your family. Just you. You don't have to verbalise any of this. Just make a firm decision in your mind that your going to get better, your going to take care of yourself and look good and feel good. You need to make yourself go into a place both spiritually and in terms of worldly matters that even if your husband was to leave you it really wouldn't matter, because you would be just fine and in fact even better without him and who knows you may actually find an even better husband. You need to detach yourself from your current situation and move forward mentally and physically.start working towards happiness and success rather than negativity and pessimism. You don't need your husband to excel - if he is treating you badly you move forward without him, slap him on the face with your happiness and success. Let him go get himself a second wife, but show him that he'll be leaving behind an amazing woman.
I know all his is easier said than done, it's taken me a long time to rebuild my self esteem but in the process I never gave up on myself I still worked towards success both spiritual and worldly whilst I continued to hurt over my husband. I didn't sacrifice my dreams and future for a man.
Ps sister, my job wasn't easy - it was tough and very pressurising, long hours, hard work - lots of mental energy was needed, but I still put in all the hours and somehow managed to get through despite being really depressed and anxious. Obviously I didn't have the same problems as you but believe me when I say was really depressed but I actually found work quite therapeutic it would distract me and help me feel better, but that didn't make it any easier. I would often cry in the toilets or when I had a moment to myself, on a few occasions by colleagues walked in on me crying and it was embarrassing but they supported me. And alhamdulillah I got through. I'm still not happy but I still find that work actually helps. Perhaps in your case too, increase your working hours, find other hobbies, study to a higher degree - whatever it takes to keep you both distracted but also satisfied that your doing something productive with your life. Where there's a will there's a way. It won't be easy but without a struggle you'll never get to the top. You don't necessarily need your husband to achieve all of your dreams - children yes, but financial stability, nice home etc - you can do that all by yourself but to get there you'll need to be strong and work very hard.
Sister Buck ,
You says your husband is handsome .I have some observation about handsome people .Their expectation will be too high in terms of beauty and attraction . They can get lot of other women and continue all sorts of relationship ..Also for vice versa
Just wondering during the whole process of your marriage you have rejected many ordinary looking men ? Rejected bearded men ? I had one very decent colleague who was getting rejected by girls because of his beard ..
I used to tell him you are lucky because already a beard is acting like a filter or anti virus and non islamic girls are automatically getting filtered without your efforts ..
Also i have seen many smart guys getting beautiful girls easily
for romance ans sex but when they gets married it will be a different game ball together..
I think it is always better for sisters to look for a person who is not only religious from inside but also looks religious from appearance with simple clothes ,beard and life style but most of girls reject them and go for bad guys who are expert to take them to bed..
Logical, I didn't reject guys based on looks at all. On the contrary I was rejected many times because of my hijab. Guys would come to meet me at my parents house, get to know me a little but would insist that they would let the marriage proceed if I agreed to get rid of my hijab. Obviously that would infuriate me, and then I'd be the one rejecting them.
A lot of other proposals I rejected because although they were good looking decent guys, I just didn't like their personalities and couldn't see myself connecting with them so I didn't drag things out just politely declined.
With some guys I just wasn't attracted. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that, you need to be attracted to the person your going to marry.
With regards to my husband specifically, yes he is good looking but this wasn't why I married him. We were both attracted to each other, I'm good looking too. He was clearly interested in me. On top of that he told me that he would not have married me if I didn't wear the hijab, so I thought I'd hit the jackpot! Not only was he good looking, he seemed gentle, softly spoken, seemed to have good etiquette and good character. And what's more is that the first time I met him he was returning from an Islamic study circle, had an Islamic book in his hand. He had been for hajj and was going again. Volunteering in charities, spoke about various different Islamic lectures. He was perfect for me. And sister this was literally all i liked about him, his deen. I was really happy. He seemed to have a good balance. He told me the Only thing he wanted from me after marriage was for me to help him develop his imaan and nothing else. Other than his deen, he literally had nothing else to offer - no house, I didn't even ask him about his finances which was stupid, he wasn't as educated as me. On the contrary I was highly educated, doing well financially, had a few big investments and had saved up to buy a nice big house with whoever I was going to marry, and I was young and good looking - I didn't need to marry him, I could've married someone with better looks and higher status! I chose him simply because I felt he had good faith, a good heart and good character. I felt if he had all of those things I couldn't go wrong - money wise, I have enough for the both of us, but obviously I wanted him to realise his responsibility I didn't just want to hand him my money. I even did istkhara before and after I'd met him, and I got a really good feeling. The whole process of marriage was very smooth, it flowed and things started happening very fast but it didn't feel wrong. My family loved him too. His family seemed interested as well. There were no red flags whatsoever.
But sister logical - obviously when I married him unless I did something to completely change him, I realised that that was all a complete facade. He said and did whatever he needed to to get me to marry him. He impressed me, and my family until the nikkah and then his true colours began to show. His family changed, he changed, and he started doing things which were really selfish. He didn't even acknowledge my Islamic rights as a wife.
So in essence I don't agree with what you have said at all. You don't need to marry someone who looks or acts religious, I'm very much against marrying someone just because they look or act a certain way. Somehow you need to really assess a persons character. See the types of people they hang out with. Assess their family dynamics. And sometimes you do all of that but like they say life's a gamble, and sometimes you lose. Unfortunately i lost too, I tried to desperately hold on but nothing worked. And to be honest I personally have no interest in someone who is religious. I would want someone with good morals and a good character, and as long as he sticks to the basics of Islam and wants to progress further I seriously wouldn't care if he had a beard or not.
Ps I found out after the marriage that he wore make up to cover up some flaws and had had cosmetic surgery to fix his nose. Obviously I saw him first thing in the morning after marriage along with the rest of his flaws which I won't mention on here but that didn't stop me loving him. He was mine, I loved him even more after marriage regardless of his flaws. It really wasn't about looks - for me I looked for some who I felt had good character and deen. I prayed to Allah that bring me and my husband together with imaan, and guide us Both to you. And to bless us with pious children. But I still ended up picking the wrong guy. But only Allah knows the purpose of me marrying him, I'm sure there must be some good In it.
I have some friends who are expert in talking .Keeps telling Allah Allah but also ready to do nasty stuff . I am sorry to say probably you ended up in getting such a guy who was kind of attractive and showing himself as religious ..
Also i have different type of friends who are really devoted Muslims but many of our educated sisters won't find them attractive because of their simple and ordinary style ,personality ,interest ,clothing,beard deen ,deen,deen etc etc ..
Overall ,yes it was a gambling but going for first type of people is having bigger risk ..
Logical what are you talking about ? That we should go for less attractive men because their safer ? Just to get the facts straight - I have plenty men in my family including siblings who are handsome, women ready to marry them, not only handsome but very successful, good morals etc - and they have not cheated on anyone nor have they been involved in any other nasty habits.
I still completely disagree with your logic. I know plenty of 'simple, religiously dressed bearded brothers or hijabis' who talk the talk but can't walk the walk. How many times especially at university did I catch them kissing a member of the opposite sex or sitting in their laps!!
Please don't judge someone based on their appearance.
You are catching exception from both cases and not the majority ..
I have seen educated sisters rejecting bearded and simple muslim men as they need hollywood type and end up in mess ...
The reverse case is also t true in there is beautiful woman involved ..Beauty is some sort of power and it has its own pros and cons ..
You can always find exception in all cases ..But when people talk about religious ,taqwa but not ready to marry bearded and simple people it looks strange to me.. You never knows what is happening behind the happy couples lives which you have mentioned .. .. Anyway , better to stop this as it is out of topic here ..
logical, your analysis and perspective is very unusual. What is a 'Hollywood type'? I am educated and I have no idea what that means. Do you mean that educated muslim girls prefer guys who are movie stars?
let me tell you something. I was rejected because of my looks many many times by so-called simple religious men who wanted fair, slim and beautiful girls. When I was 25.5, I was rejected because a guy wanted someone who was 25.0. Weird stuff like that.
So I really think your comments about girls, hollywood and bearded suitors are misplaced.
Br. Logical,
The drift of your message seems to be that good-looking people are more prone to haram? Strange comments indeed.
Sister Precious Star,
I have told in my earlier comment that Vice versa . i mean when genders are reversed 🙂
Sister Saba ,
I know my comment might be looking Weird .
You can't generalize but if you analyse , good looking males/females have high chances of getting new partners compare to less good looking ..
Also probability of sinning more due to easy availability for good looking people .But again i am saying you can't generalize it ..
But my point was when brothers/sisters search for a marriage their attraction is not exactly towards the religious personality but towards some particular look with some religious flavor as some added advantage ..
I see lot of girls rejecting bearded men and many men rejecting hijab wearing girls . So just put a point here 🙂
I m not against some one looking for good looks but i suggest them to be realistic also ..
I think we need to stop it as it is deviating from main topic .
Despite your illness, you are well educated and you are quite articulate. You obviously know how to use a computer, and it seems pretty obvious to me that you have been proactive in regards to getting medical attention and therapy.
Sister, there are some things in life that will never change. Don't wait for a miracle to fall from the sky that will change your life situation. You are yearning for something better, and that is completely normal and understandable. You just have to figure out what that "better" is. Start with discarding your fantasies of the white picket fence life.
Make a chart. In one column, list all the things that probably won't change much. The reality is, people don't change. Your family is a bit dysfunctional, and I'm sorry to tell you that they are who they are. Similarly, your husband is lazy, unmotivated and uninterested in you as a woman and life partner. Is been 5 years and you guys have not even been able to establish a regular sex life.
In another column, list all the things that CAN change. I would say your financial situation, your weight, and your outlook In Life are three possibilities. I'm sure there are more. Then, in another column, brainstorm ideas that will lead you to make those changes. For example, try to increase your monthly savings if you haven't already done so. Start by putting away $15 a week. Over time, you might find yourself with a little nest egg that you can use towards an apartment. You may want to put divorce as one of the ways you can change your marriage. Sister, your marriage is not serving a purpose for you, I'm sorry to say. I'm sure your therapist can help you with this chart, or list, or whatever you want to call it.
You may have to live your life independently of your parents and husband. You are 33, it's time to create a better living situation for yourself. I'm just wondering if your mother's put-downs along with your husband's behaviour is contributing to your symptoms.
Remember that Allah only changes people if they try to change themselves. You can't change your husband or parents, or your relatives, but you can change yourself.
I truly hope things turn around for you. It will take time and hard work, but the end result may not be a nice house in the burbs with a couple of kids. You gave to be open to different outcomes, as we don't always get what we want in life.
I will try my best to become financially independent so that. After seeing the muslim counselor, and if it doesn't work, I will try to make plans to improve my mental and physical health and try to pursue higher education so I can get a good job and be self sufficient. I'm afraid my ability to handle stress will be a problem, but I will pray to Allah for help. Maybe with the income I have now, I can rent a room and leave my parents' house if this marriage doesn't turn out well.
I will keep you in my prayers and please keep me in yours. It sounds like you've been through a similar situation as me with your ex husband. I hope Allah guides both of us to a happier life.....Ameen.
So that I can stand on my own feet.
I've saved 5000 dollars in a box from my disability money and my earnings as teacher's aide. However, making only 1500 a month, I can only afford an apartment for 450 dollars a month. Unless I move to south Jersey, that will be very hard to find something in that price range in NJ, only the ghetto. It isn't safe for a single woman to live in the ghetto. Higher chances of rape.
Yes, you are right. My family won't change nor might my husband. I am working with the disability office to go back to school, but I don't think I can stay in my parents' house anymore, especially at 33. I wonder if I could work with a social worker to find housing for myself. I will make a list and determine what it is I can change and what I can't in regards to my situation.
Yeah, life doesn't always turn out how we want it to. It's time to do what needs to be done to get out of an unhappy situation. I guess I have a lot of work to do!
You cannot get a decent apartment for $450, but you could rent a room in a flat with roommates. Maybe with some Muslim college students or single Muslim woman. And your idea of working with a social worker is good.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I wonder, how will I find other single muslim women to be roommates with in my situation? I wouldn't even know how to find roommates like this....I also don't really feel comfortable living with other people, but I guess I don't have much of a choice. I will try to call a muslim social worker to help me. Maybe they can find something suitable for me. Section 8 and affordable housing are pretty much waiting lists or closed. I don't think I can stay in my parents' house for much longer.
I hope Allah cures my disability and finds a way for me to stand on my own feet and make more money. That's really the only way for me. I don't know what else to do.
I couldn't live with muslim college students...it would be hard living with people much younger than you. I would much prefer to live on my own, but I guess I don't have a choice right now. Hopefully, I can find muslim women in the same situation as me to live with who are around my age. That's really the only thing I can think of. Of course, I do feel scared they may judge me because I am taking psychiatric medications and am on disability. They probably would look down on me since there is a big mental illness stigma in the muslims community, and pretty much all communities...don't know what to do.
muslim not muslims
I think being treated badly by family and my husband is contributing to mental health symptoms. It would be best to try to move to a better place.
Of course it will be a challenge trying to work more hours when I have limitations. Only Allah can find a way for me... without Him, I really don't know what I will do. I am trying to work towards going back to school, but I'm afraid the stress will be too much for me. I did have a nervous breakdown when I was in college. I've been out of school for 9 years. I would like to do the schooling online, part time, but after I try to leave this house. I don't want to live with non-muslim roommates since their lifestyle is very different. Living with muslim roommates will also be hard because I am on medication and may be judged negatively....don't know what to do.
Also, I did do a google search for muslim social workers, but doesn't seem like there are a lot of them in NJ. I think a lot of sisters, especially South Asian sisters, end up becoming doctors or pharmacists....typically South Asian careers. Very few of them are in counseling or social work. Don't know what to do!
May Allah swt ease your difficulties and grant you patience in this difficult time. May Allah swt bless you abundantly and give you health and prosperity. May The Merciful of the merciful be with you and solve all your worries and cater to all your needs as He desires. Ameen.
Thank you so much. Really, Allah is my only hope. I don't have anyone else to turn to. Hopefully, he will find a way for me. Please everyone, keep me in your duas.
If He is the only one you have you have everything, He is sufficient 🙂
And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (65:3)
I need to remember that, especially in this difficult time. Allah is the only one who can save me. I know I've suffered a lot of trials. Hopefully, Allah will see me through. Ameen.
I really don't know how I can leave my husband....I can't afford to live on my own with only 1500 a month. I have no choice but to stay with him. I really don't want to live with roommates and being in the ghetto is very scary for a single female. Unless Allah cures my illness so that I can work more hours or finds a way to open up section 8 in my area, I don't see how I can get out of this situation. I guess I will have to be patient and go to the muslim counselor and pray my husband will see the light....that's really the only way. If he doesn't see the light, I guess I will just have to live a miserable life. By continuing to be a good person to him despite his behavior, I hope Allah will reward me with jannah and take me to a better place. I don't see any other solution.
Maybe this is my trial....to endure this suffering with patience, in order to make it to jannah.
Maybe my duniya will not be good, but perhaps I will live a happier life in the akhirah.
In terms of handling stress well, Allah hasn't changed the situation since college. I've tried to be patient and ask Him to change the situation, but it never does.
How will I hold down a full time job and pay rent and bills when I am stressed now working a part time job and praying five times a day and leaving rent free with parents? I don't know what to do....seems like I am doomed.
I don't think Sister Bucks and me are on the same level in terms of mental health and physical well being. Because she doesn't have stress and mental health issues, she is able to be self sufficient and leave her husband. But unfortunately, Allah has given me a weak system that can't handle stress well. All I can do is pray to Allah...that's all. If He doesn't change the situation, then I am really in trouble.
Our stories are different for sure. But I went through hell and I hate saying this but if you want read my story on here and see how mentally unwell I actually became. I did for a short while leave work, went back but it was difficult it really was. What I'm saying is that despite how unwell I felt I still someone struggled through whatever I needed to to get to where I am now. It wasn't easy. And I almost gave up completely. I didn't become self sufficient over night, it took a lot of hard work, effort, sleepless nights, it was painful but I made it - almost! I'm still not where I should be because I'm still very unhappy and anxious but I'm still pushing myself to keep progressing.
Sister ,
You are fighting bigger challenges and difficulties .If life is difficult then questions on Akhirat will be simple . There will be reward for the patience and difficulties you will face in this world .
As others suggested you having a room and staying with some muslin female group might help you .I think it will divert your mind . you can just try it ..Try to be socially active
Your husband is behaving irresponsible way and i think you need to take some call in future ..
living not leaving
I guess what I can do is work with my disability counselor to make slow steps to becoming more self sufficient. They helped me to get my part time job as a teacher's aide and basically advised me to not jump into full time since I haven't really held a full time job in my life. They told me that if I could handle working as an aide part-time for six months that the next step would be maybe helping me pay for school. They would give me a career assessment test to determine what field would be appropriate for me. Once they determine that, they will assess whether I can handle the stress and then fund paying for school.
I hope they can help me become self sufficient, but it won't happen overnight with my mental health and stress issues. It will take baby steps to get there. Once I get to a point I can live on my own and if my husband still doesn't change by then, maybe I can consider being on my own and leaving him.
Sister Bucks, I will check out your story. I think you are a strong woman to be able to support yourself and leave a bad husband. If I didn't have my challenges, I would aspire to do what you did. Given, my conditions, it would be wise to take baby steps. Only then, can I win. If I jump into too soon, and fail, I will just end up getting discouraged and give up and stay in this miserable life. I have to hope the counselling with a muslim perspective will work out. If after everything I tries fails, then I can think of the next step.
But what if the muslim women judge me for my mental health and stress issues? There is big stigma against mental illness in the muslim community. I'm lucky my husband even married me. What if I am unhappy living with other sisters? Since my life has always been difficult, I'm afraid living with my husband is going to be as good as it gets. Also, divorced and being 33 as well as having mental health and stress issues and being overweight due to my meds, puts me out in terms of being married again. I do have a very beautiful face though, but I have gained weight from meds. Many men want thin women. I used to be thin, but that's not the case now due to meds. I tried everything to lose weight, but it won't happen due to a slow metabolism caused by the meds.
A lot of times, I just wish Allah will take me out of the duniya so that I can live in peace in jannah. They say Allah doesn't burden one with more than they can handle, but I feel I can't deal with all of this. It's too much for me to handle both physically and mentally.
There are a lot of "what ifs". you don't know the answers. You can either let that hold you back, or take the risk and move forward. I'm wondering if you really do want to change your situation, since you keep coming up with reasons why you will fail. So what if other women judge you? Life is harsh sister, not everyone will want to be your friend. You need a roommate to share living expenses, that's all. And you are jumping ahead of yourself with thoughts of re-marriage. That should not be your priority right now.
I am not as strong physically and mentally like Sister Bucks. She also seems like she can handle stress well and function on less sleep. I have to sleep 8-9 hours a night, and lose my mind and become crazy and psychotic when I don't. Why Allah made me so weak physically and mentally, makes me so frustrated with my life.
Believe me I'm not strong - I just got on with it, because I didn't want to ruin my future , and I guess that worked.
I've tried having strong will power and working hard, but my mental, physical, and inability to handle more stress, has made that hard for me. I have limitations. Unless Allah makes me stronger in these areas, I have little hope I can make it on my own. I have no choice but to try to make this marriage work. If it doesn't and my health doesn't improve, I guess I will just have to join the ranks of unhappily married women who can't leave their husbands because they can't financially support themselves. Unfortunately, that is the case for many women, both muslim and non-muslim. I will just find my own happiness in this marriage by doing things I enjoy and devoting myself to trying to better my deen. One day, Allah will give me a better life, whether it is in this duniya or the akirah. I will patiently wait for that day.
In Shaa Allah you find this helpful:
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive to do that which will benefit you and seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say ‘If only I had done (such and such), then such and such would have happened,’ rather say: ‘Allah has decreed and what He wills He does,’ for ‘if only’ opens the door to the work of the shaytaan.” Narrated by Muslim (2664).
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.come Editor
Sister logical,
I don't know if your actually going to see this post, but your not really making any sense.
Good looking, bearded or not, whoever a person decides to marry is there choice. Like I said before a bearded brother or a hijabi sister does not mean that that person is religious or that he will be a good spouse. Like I said to you before I've seen plenty of people in that category who were hypocrites. once again pls stop judging people based on their appearances.
I don't think we should talk any further about this as we're going off topic.
That is a very helpful hadith sister Amy. I will keep my faith strong in Allah, and what He decrees for my life, He and only He knows the wisdom behind it. I will keep holding on to the hope that one day I will be cured, and will become stronger both physically and mentally. I will trust Allah that He will help me to handle more stress. I will put my faith that Allah will make my husband understand he is in the wrong, by praying to Allah that the Muslim counselling works. By being strong in my faith, whatever happens, whether calamity or success, I will hold firm that Allah does what He wills, and what He does, must be for the best. Inshallah, may Allah find a way for me to find my happiness one day, if not in the duniya, then hopefully in the akirah. Ameen.
The Shaytan even appeared to the prophet and told him what his evil intentions are to humanity. He loves to lead the pious astray, and hates to see a devout muslim. He wants to lead all mankind away from Islam because he knows that if they turn from Allah, the hellfire awaits him, and this makes him happy because he hates humanity. He told the prophet that he can appear to anyone in any form, whether human or anything else, to move them away from Islam.
So why a lot of muslims disbelieve in these citings and attribute it to mental illness, shows their lack of belief in the words of the Quran of these encounters. Obviously, they don't really believe in Islam because black magic, is very real and happened even during the prophet's time.
I had to shorten my commet due to me running out of characters. My phone can only do so much lol.
You say that you have mental problems, well so do i but mine is caused my sihr. They make me talk to myself every single day like a mad person and at times i laugh out of the blue & casing ppl stir at me like is she crazy. I suffer from extreme body fatigue, restlessness, depression, panic attacks, mind confusion, social disorder (as in i don't know how to behave or react to ppl socially as they control how ppl behave towards me & how i behave toward them), extreme waswasa, marine spirits jinns also after me, sometimes they will give me the illusion that there is this huge black lion with develish marks around its eyes following me everywhere i go), all my family members hv rejected me & my father is always threatning to disown me! I hv tried everything to help myself but to no avail they are too stubborn & are refusing to let me go. Theyll manipulate anybodies mind that want to help me & torture their lives.
Sade, you need to see a doctor. It is not sihr. You have some type of mental illness, and it may well be treatable with the right medication.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I really don't want to live with other muslim women who will put me down. I'd rather be alone than deal with that. Hopefully, Allah will cure me and find a way for me.
Sister Allah won't just Perform a miracle and cure everything and make things better you need to put the effort into it and want to make a change.
It's not going to be easy for me. I had to break my fast today because I was getting very agitated and developing mental health symptoms. I want to become a speech therapist, but fear it would be too hard for me. If that doesn't work, I've thought about nursing, but it's a really mentally and physically demanding job. Don't think I could handle either. Both of them have really demanding schooling requirements, but I plan to take a class at a time and maybe shadow both fields as well. Also, considered occupational therapy. Fear of having another nervous breakdown has held me back.
I'm so confused what I should do now. I have a weak body and really can't lift people for both nursing and occupational therapy. I've thought about speech but worry about job prospects in my area. People go on and on about how there are so many jobs in speech, but I've talked to people that have said they can't find a job. Don't know what I'll do...please someone help me and give me an answer.
I really feel speech would be a good field for me since it isn't physically demanding. I believe it isn't that stressful and something I can handle. Plus, it seems like a very rewarding field. Just worried about job prospects in NJ. I hear over and over that it is hard to find a job in NJ and you would have to be willing to relocate, which I'm not. Please someone help me. Don't know what to do.
Assalam alaikum,
Make a list of the following:
what kind of student you were
what subjects did you like
which subjects did you excel in
what interests you the most
what do you consider yourself to be very good at
Make a profile of the skills that you have and/or the skills that you believe that you can acquire with relative ease.
If you are very good at typing and organizing, consider becoming a secretary...or you could do bookkeeping...these are things that are not high stress and you may already have the credentials for. As you start here, you could then work towards other things.
If you want to write here some of what I have asked above, feel free and I could give you some ideas.
Take it easy sister.
One day at a time
One moment at a time
It is hard. I know. I have been stuck and you could say that I am stuck right now in my own way. Take it one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself.
Sister Saba, I am good at psychology, but did horribly in sciences. Got a lot of Cs for science classes when I was pre-med. I had to drop out of that and ended up majoring in psychology. Speech therapy has quite a lot of sciences, but I hope if I work hard, I can do well in the prerequisite classes.
I am a very fast typist (70+ wpm), but maybe not so much in organizing. I don't have any experience with bookkeeping. Anyway, a bachelor's in psychology doesn't get you far. Also, a lot of the jobs don't come with medical benefits so I worry how I will get my medication to stabilize.
If you have any other ideas what I could do for a Master's that might be easier for me and less stressful, I will be very happy to hear your suggestions. Hope to hear from you soon.
I also worry about job prospects, especially in NJ. So if you know of Master's level fields with good job prospects in NJ, I can't wait to hear from you.
If you are a very fast at typing with accuracy, you could consider becoming a court reporter--they are the people who type during a court proceeding. Court proceedings can take place in the court but also in a lawyer's office during the discovery process. This is one idea.
If you are good at computers and feel comfortable with word and microsoft office--how about consider taking a short secretary course to get you started. it wouldn't be a stressful job, you would learn a lot and meanwhile, you could also explore other avenues of work.
Also, in being a teacher's aid, which I think you mentioned before, you could also be an exam proctor or help students who need accommodations during exam at different levels of education.
Try to avoid nursing and speech pathology for now because it seems those are stressing you out--you don't have to avoid it altogether, but just for now. Speed pathology requires a masters and I know it is stressful as i have a few friends who have become speech pathologists--their families were very ver supportive of them.
Stop worrying about the medical expenses and if they would get paid by your work--first get your foot in the door and then that will come in time, inn shaa Allah.
Your job isn't figuring out the entire future right now Sister...your job is getting your foot in the door FIRST.
These are good ideas. I don't want to delay getting a master's because I am 33. If I delay too long, I will be 40 and I just want to take advantage of my youth. I know speech is stressful, but not as much as nursing. It seems like something I might enjoy. Maybe even social work, but I worry about the low pay. You're right though. I should focus on just getting my foot in the door. Court reporter and secretary sound like good ideas.
Inn shaa Allah, you can do it.
Start with a little change in how you think/talk/write.
For now, try a little exercise. Remove the phrase "I worry a lot about...." and Replace it with "I know how...." or "I can do the following....." Start focusing all of your attention on your abilities/capabilities and detract from focusing from things you worry about.
A lot of what you worry about is either not present in your life anyways or *might be* a potential problem. All of these things that could be problems aren't worth worrying about and they are draining your energy. So, with one thought at a time, or with one phrase at a time, start training yourself for a better future, inn shaa Allah.
I will try to retrain my thoughts from negative to positive. Hopefully, that will help me in moving toward a career that is the best fit for me.
Salaam sister,
Don't panic. You don't have to make a decision straightaway. Do your research - if you can, speak to people in those fields and see what they suggest re: jobs.
With re: to heavy lifting - nursing certainly involves A lot of that and the job can be pretty demanding especially with long working hours, you may be required to do night shifts etc - but I'm not sure how the training works in the states as I don't live there. With regards to heavy lifting - to be honest your usually trained to lift safely and effectively, and it's usually a pair of nurses lifting a patient together and assistance with special equipment if the patient is particularly heavy - there are usually lots of health and safety measures in place to make things safe for both you and the patient.
Occupational therapy is a good option, and as far as I know I don't think it involves too much heavy lifting.
Speech therapy is a good alternative, especially if your worried about lifting. Again I can't comment on the jobs market but perhaps if you can speak to people who are involved in the above fields and find out what they suggest about the jobs available.
Also before you make a decision why don't you do a bit of shadowing in all of the above three specialities and see which one is the most appropriate for you ?
Do your research, don't rush, make a decision with a cool calm mind, and pray istkhara if you can. I'm sure whatever decision you decide to take Allah swt will make it easy for you and open doors for you to lead you to a brighter future. Ameen.
Thanks Sister Bucks. I have shadowed for occupational therapy and I saw that in certain settings the therapist lifted patients with no help and transferred them from the bed to wheelchair. This was in a skilled nursing facility. I'm also very scared to go back to school because I am afraid to do presentations. I fear public speaking and worry about making a fool of myself in front of classmates. I often go blank. I tried to recite over and over one surah in the Quran concerning prophet Musa and how he went to Allah and told him that he couldn't speak to the people and needed help with his speech. However, I still have anxiety and am scared.
I thought of speech because there are online programs and I could bypass class presentations. I am now a teacher's aide so I think this field fits me perfectly. I do worry about job availability though and have asked one speech therapist and she told me that in NJ it is pretty hard to find work. She even told me to go into another field like Marriage and Family therapist!
I have also thought about being a school psychologist, but also worry about job prospects.
I have major fears about taking out student loans. I had a full scholarship in high school to go to undergrad, so I didn't have any loans when I graduated. Grad school is very expensive, and if I can't find a job, I will be stuck with loans and no way to pay them back. Then I would have to get off of disability (losing my medical benefits) and take any job I can to pay them back. I would lose all my medicaid and medicare health benefits and would not be able to get my medication.
I feel very stuck and don't know what the future holds. The disability office did tell me they can help pay for school, but there's no guarantee.
Sister Bucks, please pray for me. I feel so scared and lost.
I also have good news. My husband got a job interview offer to be a bank teller. It pays slightly more than his retail job. It's still not a lot of money, but hopefully he will go up in the position. He hasn't been actively looking for a job, but he did apply for a few here and there. I guess Allah is finally answering my prayers during Lailatul Qadr. Still, there are issues with intimacy and emotional support. I will still pray to Allah things will improve. Maybe Allah will bless me if I continue being patient. However, it's not easy when my husband is very difficult.
In the states do you have a job centre type of place where they can help you find the most suitable Job for you, or specific advisors that can work with you to help you identify what kind of career would suit you the most and the qualifications needed?
Yes, there is a job center. It is the disability office I'm currently seeing and I'm working with a vocational rehabilitation counselor. She said if I can hold down the teacher's aide position for at least 6 months, she would help me to find a suitable career and if further schooling is needed, the disability office may pay for it, though there is no guarantee.
Sister Bucks, my husband is still very verbally abusive and emotionally unsupportive. He keeps yelling all the time for minor things. It is really affecting my mental health. He also tries to turn my family against me. I've done nothing but help him get to where he is in this marriage, and this is how he treats me. I've helped him with his resume and that's why he even got the interview for bank teller.
I feel very unhappy with him, and I tried calling the muslim counselor but they weren't accomodating. My husband also refuses counseling. I don't know what to do about this marriage and I feel like I am stuck in this situation because of finances.
When things seem to be looking good with my husband, he then changes the next day. Over and over I've nicely told him to stop yelling at me and being verbally abusive, but he says to be that's his love. I don't know what kind of love that is. He nicely talks to all his family members but doesn't treat me well. He keeps telling me that his family hates me and feel sorry for him that he is suffering in this marriage, when in actuality, it is him treating me badly and making me suffer. He has a narcissistic personality and thinks he is always right, and everything is my fault when it is really him that is a bad person.
I don't know how to get out of this....until I get on my feet it looks like I won't. I really wish I never met him. I keep regretting my mistake.
to me not to be
Oh, and we haven't been intimate in five months because he keeps yelling at me. He doesn't like any kind of affection and he's been doing this for the past five years.
Salaam sister,
I feel your pain, it's not easy living with an emotionally abusive spouse. It seems to me that your not ready to leave him and want to try to make your marriage work. I would suggest focussing on one thing at a time, and start off with yourself. Stop trying to change your husband, you can't - he needs to do that by himself. You have already told him that you don't want him yelling at you, next time he yells, go into the other room and leave him be until he calms down. Like with a child, you need to set boundaries for him as well, you need to make him realise that his behaviour is wrong and your not going to tolerate it. You don't need to scream and shout for him to realise this. Just simply walk away snd ignore him, let him calm down by himself - when he gets no reaction from you hopefully he will eventually stop. Don't beg him to treat you right, he should be the one apologising to you. I do realise how frustrating all of this must be for you, especially the lack of intimacy but do not lose value for yourself. Why are the Muslim marriage counsellers not accommodating? Also do you know why he doesn't want to be intimate? What was he like when you first got married?
Ultimately, the main focus right now is you. Concentrate on yourself, start building up your confidence and self esteem alongside your career. Really try to keep your mind active and become a positive role model for your husband. The way your describing him, I'm not sure there's much to hold on to - he's really not providing you with any of your marriage rights, your really just living the life of a single woman with a husband by name. But if you want to make this marriage work it will take a lot of patience but there is still no guarantee that he will change.
I don't really know much about jobs and schooling etc in the states but sister Saba has made some suggestions too. Don't overwhelm yourself - focus only on you and making yourself happy. Once you achieve your goals and inner peace, everything else will fall into place. Right now your vulnerable and seeking validation from your husband. When your stronger, happier and more successful, your mind will be clearer and allow you to make the right decisions regarding your marriage.
Your husband seems to be thinking only about himself, why don't you do the same? Just think about you, take baby steps to a brighter happier future.
I try to ignore him, but that make him yell even more. I have even left the room, but when I have to come back, he continues yelling. He tells me he is sorry, but does it again the next day.
Yes, it really does feel like I am a single woman who just has the title of marriage. In all areas, he is lacking. I still think financially he is lacking because bank teller doesn't pay much, but he tells me that's the best he can do and I just have to accept that. Well, at least he got an interview for a job that pays slightly better than what he has now. Maybe he will move up in the bank and make more money.
I try hard to focus on myself, but my husband needs my help for everything. If I tell him he needs to learn how to fill out forms himself and be more independent, he only gets angry. So, then to make him stop yelling, I help him. He tells me I have to help him all the time because that is my duty. It feels like taking care of a child. Feel so frustrated he can't seem to do anything independently.
I will try to brainstorm good careers for me to pursue. Once I am stronger, than maybe I can handle this situation better, but I know my husband won't make my life easier because he hates seeing me read or studying.
Why he isn't interested in intimacy, is because he says I am always angry with him and that if he yells at me he wants me to be patient like the Indian actresses he watches on starplus dramas! I told him that is just fiction and he's asking something from me that is impossible to do. He also is tired a lot from his retail job, where he works less than 40 hours a week.
You seem stronger than you think you are. You seem to be dealing with a lot and have come quite far, and you still have your motivation intact. Keep focussing on yourself, and let eveyrhjng else fall into place inshaAllah.
I meant then not than.
I will try my best sister Bucks. Please pray for me that I become more independent and try to get a job of my own. I will have to start focusing on getting a career going because depending on my husband is really getting me nowhere.
May Allah swt make things easy for you and grant you all your wishes, Ameen.
As-salamu alaykum. This post has received many excellent comments and good advice, and is now closed to further comments.
Jazakum Allah khayr everyone who shared their thoughts and wisdom here.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor