I have a small deformity, do I have to tell a potential spouse?
Question:
Assalaamualaikum Wa Rahmatullah,
I am a young muslimah looking to get married. However, I have a personal situation that I would like to clarify before I proceed with anything. I would like to start off by saying that Allah creates everything with perfection and beauty, and He has Knowledge over all things.
My situation is this: I have a physical deformity that is not visible from the outside (I have something called "tuberous breast deformity"). This deformity is a very mild case (it is only one of my breasts) and does not cause any health issues. It does not restrict me from breast feeding, either.
My question is, do I have to tell a potential spouse about this? This is really bothering me because I know that hiding deformities or mental illnesses from a potential spouse can allow for a divorce Islamically (which I do not want).
If I do have to tell, how should I go about doing this? My own mother does not even know. I am a very shy person and wear both hijab and abaya, so I do not know how this would work...
This is a very embarrassing situation and I pray that Allah rewards me for dealing with this with sabr. Other than this one fault, Alhamdulillah I am "pretty" (according to people!).
I really hope for a response because this is a situation that has been confusing me for some time...
Jazakum Allah Khair,
Muslimah2010
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Dear Muslimah2010, Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I have read a bit on this deformity. In your case, as it is mild and does not affect your ability to breastfeed, it is something that needs to be considered but I don't think you have anything to worry about.
If you are seeking a spouse, you should be having your guardian, your wali, interview young men before you even get involved. This protects you from developing an attraction for a man who may turn out to not be an appropriate match for you due to some deficiency in his religious commitment or other area. So your issue should not even come up until the initial vetting has been done and you have considered a particular man as a serious prospect.
I have seen some medical photos of what this deformity looks like, and since you describe the case as mild, I think what a husband would see would fall well within what is considered "normal" for breast appearance. Women's breasts comes in all shapes and sizes, and even without a deformity being present, breasts are sometimes uneven, unlevel, and less than uniform. Obviously, as a modest woman you have not checked into the look of other women's breasts, but I think that if you look at yourself in the mirror and see only a mild issue, then it is not necessary to mention it to a prospective spouse.
Allah has created us all different, and all sorts of people, men and women, have issues with their bodies. Breast size, stubby toes, double-jointed fingers, long earlobes... we all have unique attributes, and not all are immediately visible. I think that in the context of you as a whole person, this is a very small thing, and should not be an impediment to marriage. And Allah knows best.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
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asalamu alaikum,
oh i see, sis i think you should tell him, you rather be honest then lie im sure he will find out eventually.
sis jus tell him how you told us, i know its embarassing but you gotta be mature about this situation.
whats the worst that can happen? if he cant accept the fact of your problem then theres not much you can do, but atleast you wont be branded as a liar.
but i think he will understand, hope things workout.
ma salama
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I have read a bit on this deformity. In your case, as it is mild and does not affect your ability to breastfeed, it is something that needs to be considered but I don't think you have anything to worry about.
If you are seeking a spouse, you should be having your guardian, your wali, interview young men before you even get involved. This protects you from developing an attraction for a man who may turn out to not be an appropriate match for you due to some deficiency in his religious commitment or other area. So your issue should not even come up until the initial vetting has been done and you have considered a particular man as a serious prospect.
I have seen some medical photos of what this deformity looks like, and since you describe the case as mild, I think what a husband would see would fall well within what is considered "normal" for breast appearance. Women's breasts comes in all shapes and sizes, and even without a deformity being present, breasts are sometimes uneven, unlevel, and less than uniform. Obviously, as a modest woman you have not checked into the look of other women's breasts, but I think that if you look at yourself in the mirror and see only a mild issue, then it is not necessary to mention it to a prospective spouse.
Allah has created us all different, and all sorts of people, men and women, have issues with their bodies. Breast size, stubby toes, double-jointed fingers, long earlobes... we all have unique attributes, and not all are immediately visible. I think that in the context of you as a whole person, this is a very small thing, and should not be an impediment to marriage. And Allah knows best.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
If you think that your future husband would notice this deformity on his own later on when you two are married, then yes you should tell him about it before you get married and indicate that it is only a minor deformity. However, if you think that it is so minor that your future husband will most likely not even notice it or see that there is a deformity, then perhaps it might be better not to tell him if he won't even notice it later on. Either way, consult with your parents, and Allah knows best.