I have been having an affair with my cousins husband and I don’t know what to do!
Hi I am a college student in UK and I'm doing great. However, I have a major secret in my life. I have been having an affair with my cousin's husband since I was 12. I had no feelings for him at the age of 12 but slowly as we came close I started to develop feelings for him and now I really love him.
I have had sexual relations with him but that's because I really have strong feelings for him. I did get pregnant with his baby last year too but I lost my child as I had a miscarriage after 5 months. Maybe Allah was punishing me for my wrong doings. I am still with him though and I really love him and we both want to be together and even marry but I am scared as he has a family with my cousin too and I don't want to break his family apart.
I don't know what to do so please can someone help me. I am not a 'strict' Muslim and nor is he, but I do believe in Allah and I am feeling guilty for what I am doing and have done.
Please will someone help me.
~Angel
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Asalaamualaykum,
Angel, you say you have been having an affair with your cousin's husband since the age of 12. This is extremely serious and dangerous. I am concerned that this man has been taking advantage of your innocence and naiivity since your childhood. What you have described is the 'sexual abuse of a minor' and this is not only an offence under UK criminal law, but also a major sin in Allah's Law.
Difficult as it may be for you, I urge you to stop your relationship with this man immediately. I do want to help you Angel, but in order to advise you better, I need to know how old you are now? Can you tell me this here? Or would you prefer to speak to one of my female colleague editors by email? If you choose to do this, your conversations will be private and confidential.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi SisterZ i am 16 years old.
Asalaamualaykum my dear Sister Sanaa,
I am so glad you have written back. Sanaa, would you prefer for us to speak privately by email?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
hi sisterZ
Thank you so much for all of your advice it makes me feel like as if someone cares for me and is it ok if i could talk to you in private through email. I really do appreciate what you have and are doing for me thanks.
My dear sister Sanaa,
We are here to help you insha'Allah. I want you to know that you are not alone and that you are very brave for writing here. I will email you tonight insha'Allah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Furthermore to the reply from SisterZ, this is a very big crime and many get put in jail for it, at age of 12 your mind is not developed at all, and you can be easily manipulated, and this carrys on through the years.
This man is sick and vile, and believe me its not love but shaytans lust. i would say refrain from him and please regain your mind and believe in yourself, it seems he controls everything and you have been sadly preyed upon.
I am not a 'strict' Muslim
In the old days this would mean you would miss a namaaz or two, in this age well it has changed alot, and you must realise that death can come at anytime, take your head out the pillow and take in the air, is it seriously right what your doing, you are a victim of manipulation, and to survive or refrain is to become vastly strict.
Start praying and understanding your deen, start controlling your mind and yourself, i give you a example, when one watches porn it causes arousal and hence naturally your mind leads you to masturbation. BUT if you actually think about what your doing, and calm down, you feel wrong and stupid almost, your mind can be controlled by you, but not without Allah in your heart, and control of your brain. you see your relationship with this man is similar, if you stop, calm down and think about it you will feel wrong and almost cold, why because its wrong but in arousal it seems so right.
I studied psychology and if you want can help you see things better, and use techniques to regain yourself, because from what i see you are lost in your mind, and dont know whats right or wrong, and i can help you with that, you made the first step in coming and posting your question, the 2nd is to make a commitment to change.
The baby, well did you want the child or was it by coincidence, yet another example of arousal controlled thinking, and weakness on your part, but it can be changed, and even though it may sound superficial but is actually correct.
Sister you must make a commitment, you dont need anything but commitment on your part, and this can be solved, i feel sorry for you, and i see this situation for what it is, and am willing to help you more if you wish,
May Allah help and guide you.
Insha'Allah.
thanks for the advice I really appreciate it and I am going to try to be strong and stand up and get rid of this
Salam sister
I agree with both advice above and here I just want to add a little bit. Having affair is like a "Hide and Seek" game which both of you try your best to hide it from all people. It is like a challenge for both of you with "excitement" inside and you help each other to cover it. He doesn't have responsibility to you like financial or husband tasks but just getting the pleasure fulfilling his carnal desire.
Now, If you marry him, do you think he will be the same person? before he just get "sweets" from you and if it comes his turn serve "sweets" for you, will he be the same person? Sometimes a man changes when it comes to responsibility.
Your feeling guilty insha Allah a sign that you want to be a better muslim. Amin
Salam
All I have to say what has happen to must Muslims these days. Let him go he is your cousin husband don't let him do this he has a family think about that. Insallah there must be someone else you can marry, I know is hard to let go.
having an affair with your cousin husband is just wrong....I have been with my Husband since I was 15 I had a feelin 2 years ago about my husband and his cousin I found out that they have been having an affair for years I am heart broken. It has destoryed my feelings go outside the family it just wrong.
First and foremost how can you trust him WHO HIMSELF DECEIVED HIS OWN WIFE ,your cousin .do you think he will be faithfull to you ? Please sister get out of the trap pleasee..
May allah ease your way ameen
Imane,
Can you kindly type in lower case instead of CAPS, jazaakhaAllahkhayr.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Imane,
I appreciate that you are have an opinion and you think you are helping the sister, but all you are really doing is blasting the young girl in every one of your comments. She has come here sincerely asking for help and help her is what I intend to do insha'Allah.
You are always welcome to write here but my main concern is for the author of this post. So I have deleted two of your comments and will delete any further comments that I feel are unhelpful and judgemental. Insha'Allah you will take care to be sensitive with your words in future.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam
Sister you are in a serious problem.guys like him just take advantage of young girls like you believe me my frnds hav been through this .once you stop giving thm what they want they will look for other young girls in relatives.they are really sick just give it a try stop this for a while and you will know.
Its time to becm a serious muslim sis.nothing is more important than deen,islam..
Dear Sister,
Run before its too late. Please. I urge you. I have been approached by older men when I was very very young and they all seemed to forget to mention an important fact - they were married with a family. Sometimes even when such men used to mention being married, they would just appear to not care at all. As if Allah's rules, bindings mean nothing to them. May Allah help them see the reality.
And like you even though I was 16 I actually came out of it. But it took me years as I did really love him and he was divorced. However he did not tell me that he had a child and was married before so in a way it was deceiving me and I honestly wanted to get married to him and start a family. Some men just want to use woman. Marriage does not simply let a man use a woman for their desires, but they have to become a woman's better half, her soulmate her companion and her carer. Like her father who took care of her and supported her financially before marriage it is his duty to treat his wife honourably. Is your friend giving your cousin who is his lawful wife that honour? If he is not how do you know he will show you that honour?
Love is not so easy. Lust is. I am this concerned about you because now at the age of 22 I every day regret the fact that I ever let a man manipulate me in such a way. I do not want you to have regrets. Therefore turn your back no matter how hard dear sister. Its fazr waqt as I type this and I dont even know you but I will make a prayer for you, I pray that Allah gets you out of this. As for falling pregnant, cannot begin to tell you how wrong this would be because what if he would not pay for the child? How would you bring up the child? Could you ensure the child has a safe future and if you could not because you are under age yourself, what is the child's fault? If you bring a life into this world you are responsible for it. Thats why marriage is necessary.
Please sister, I cannot beg you enough. Just get out of it. The longer you stay with him, the deeper scars he puts on you and it may harm your chances with another good Muslim man who really would intend to marry you. Believe me it is not too late. If you were brave enough to come ask this question, please please be brave enough to understand what we are saying. Please sister get out of it. I know how hard it is for you because you may feel like you ar meant to be with him forever. But you dont see him for what he really is.
Asalaam aliakum,
Some of the above responses do not realize that the poster indicates she was the victim of a sexually abusive relationship at the age of 12 and came into her current feelings by this predatory relationship in which she was the victim. From a young age, her sexuality has been exploited by an older man, who used her as a sexual object and outlet of abuse while not once considering her feelings, mental state or the criminal activity he was committing against her. Her whole mentality has been shaped by his 'grooming,' a technique used by older sexual predators on their young victims to detach them from their feelings and their family.
The mental, physically sexual and emotional damage he has done to her has resulted in "Stockholm Syndrome," in which she has identified with her attacker and has emotional attachment to him. Her state is very serious and has been warped to the point where she feels that having children is actually a good thing, not to mention she believes that she loves him, while not being aware that she has been abused to feel this way. She is in a very dire circumstance and needs help, counseling and protection.
It's important to note that what she has done is not her fault. An adult who was older, mature and fully aware of the sin and crime he was committing abused her and is still exploiting her. Her whole mindset has been influenced by sexual abuse that she never understood and was too immature to appreciate. This is signified by her not being able to feel any emotion towards her abuser during their first encounters. And is further evidenced by her lack of empathy towards her cousin in her post while wanting to continue with her abuser.
It's important that we all realize that this young woman is in trouble and our responses that blame her will only cause her to either revert back to her abuser as she feels rejected by the world or will cause her to enter a possible depression and perhaps dire state. She is in a very delicate position right now and we all need to pray for her safety and deliverance from this abuser.
Dear Sr.Angel, please talk to the editors and get in contact with them. You are very susceptible and vulnerable right now. Your upbringing has been marked by the theft of your sexuality, your youth and your love by someone who never treated you as a sweet, innocent child. There was no respect or true love for you despite what his words may say. He led you to this point and is infatuated with you only so that he can continue to abuse you. He is sick and he is a criminal. Dear Sister Angel, you need help.
Please, reach out to the good Sister Editors here and speak to them. They will listen and will do their best to help you. The rest of us will pray for you and will do what we can from here.
May Allah (swt) shelter you in His refuge.
JazaakhAllahkhayr ProfessorX.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
May Allah (swt) help us to rescue this poor sister and may Allah (swt) reward you in turn, SisterZ.
I thought this link may be appropriate for the situation.
http://muslimmatters.org/2009/02/16/sex-the-ummah-child-molestation-in-the-muslim-world-myth-or-reality-part-i/
Insha'Allah azawajal
Hi professor X
I don't know if what you said is true or not but after reading what you have witten it has helped me and it does make sense. I don't know if I have Stockholm Syndrome but thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Please could you let me know how to get over everything as it feels impossible to do.
Walaikum salaam Sister Sanaa,
More than likely, you will have to find a counselor or therapist who can help you personally. That is going to be one of the fundamental steps you can take to pull yourself away from the emotional and psychological hole that this abuser has dragged you into. It's very important that you do this, so perhaps you can find a counselor within your school who can help you, if just to get started talking to someone.
You should also know that you have to stop seeing this abuser in any capacity. You must take every step necessary to remove him from your life. This will be hard because he is going to try to manipulate you by telling you that he loves you and wants to marry you. Yet, you need to keep in mind that he is sexually abusing you and has done so for many years. He knows exactly the crime he has committed against you, but he values his own selfishness more than your life and your well being. So keep that in mind.
It's also entirely possible that he is sexually abusing or has abused another young girl who may be another cousin, niece, family friend or a stranger.
So this begs the question: what is your relationship with your mother and father like? Can you confide in them and trust that they will help you? You may come to the point of sitting your parents down and saying, "My cousin's husband has been sexually abusing me since I was 12 years old." This will take so much emotion and courage on your part, but until that time comes, please find someone that can help you. SisterZ and Sister Amy, another editor, may be able to do more for you than any of us, so please stay in contact with them.
Another reason why it's hard to get over this, is because your abuser has taken one of the most precious things in your life and tore it apart before you knew how to protect it and cherish it. He has stripped away your virginity and he never had that right to do so. In twisting your sexuality for his own criminal lusts, he took the emotional part of you that you were not ready to share or should have shared with any abuser. This isn't your fault of course, but it's how he hurt you to feel so distraught now.
One of the problems that you probably went through was being confused as to why your body would react to this man. This is a very delicate subject, but there was probably a time you felt shame and guilt during the criminal sexual acts, so he assured you that everything was fine, though you knew something was wrong. He may have tried to convince you that since your body reacted to the sexual assault that it meant you enjoyed it. This is not true!
Many rape victims, both women and men, have testified and said that one of the biggest obstacles they faced is that their body reacted when they did not want it to. This is a very powerful betrayal of ourselves, but it's not our fault nor our bodies' fault. The fault is on the abuser. In long term abuse cases, what happens is that this man, has "groomed" you to accept his abuse, to use your bodily reactions to force you to accept it and thus, is able to control you emotionally with words that disguise his malice.
Since you did not have the maturity of what a honest intimate relationship is supposed to be, you could not realize this during these years. This is why you claim to "love him." Dear Sister, you really don't know what love is right now, but let me say, that love never hides, lies or hurts. Real love never makes you feel shame, guilt or causes the betrayal of others. This man does not love you. He only loves the sins that he is doing to you and he loves to continue the crimes against you, thus he only loves his own depravity.
Please understand that your abuser took you down a long path, and for you to recover, you will back out step by step, day by day and tears by tears. Let me tell you something though: you are worth it. You are worth saving, you are worth God's love and you can journey on the path to His Heaven one day. How do you know this? In a small way, you know this because we are here for you. Who put us in this place? Allah (swt), of course. It is Him that brings us to you, to pray for you and to help you. We are all His creations answering your plea, and thus, answering Him by listening to you.
Please read the article I gave in the link above, as well. It will help you see what has been happening to you and you may find a lot of the points reflected in your own life.
If you need someone to talk to right away who will listen and won't judge, please give the Muslim Youth Hotline a call, as well.
http://www.myh.org.uk/services.php?id=2
Hey thanks for taking time out for me and writing that for me I do appreciate it and I am going to try to be stong and stand up for myself
Salaams Sanaa
Please leave this man is using you and abusing you. Sister you have to leave this man what he has done and still doing to you is haraam. This isn't your fault but at 12 just goes to show how sick he is and doesn't care he is married or married to your cousin. Please sister dont break someone's marriage up for this man or the pleasure of knowing his sweet words your his, once it is all known you will get all the bad name think about your izsaat/respect. Sister i urge you to realise you are worth more than this, and it is not your fault leave him dont let him mess you around anymore. May allah give you the imaan to move forward and bring you to be strong for yourself ameen.
Dear sister,
I agree with sister Z this guy is really taking advantage of you sister he knows that your young ,innocent and naive. My advice to you sister is just focus on your college work and just remember no matter what happens stay sincerely committed to the deen and ask for Allah's forgiveness continuously.
Moreover sister forget about this man and try and move on with your life. How can you possibly trust a man who goes behind his own wife's back and has intimate relations with another woman? How can you trust yourself? (after committing such an unlawful) Do you realise the damage its gonna have. Just imagine how your parents would feel once they find out! I imagine in these types of situations things could get violent.
P.S. real love is based on trust,loyalty ,happiness and compatibility what you've got with this man is most likely not love
Also instead of coming face to face with your cousin explain to her via a letter that
a man older then you has been abusing you since the age of 12.
You were on unaware at the time that it was abuse and that now you realise as you've matured that he has been abusing you.
Then tell her that it was her husband that was taking advantage of you since then.
you were too afraid to speak up because you were so young and you didn't realise what was happening to you was wrong.
sallam
i was abused as a child. you feel that your inlove with the person, becuase its a survival technique, our brain doups us into thinkin we are as we are already being damaged sexually by that person and the safest thing is to give in a convince yourself its love. Honey its not! have faith in God and let Islam impower you, that how i got over the abuse!
the people on this site are great and incredibly helpful, i joined yesterday i was struggling to pray and since coming on here ive started to pray again! surround yourself with good people and inshallah youll do well!
Allah hafiz