I look like a good Muslim girl but I behave badly
Confused
I am confused please help me before my family kick me out of the house.
To cut a long story short: I got married to an old man who was 65yrs, at the time I was 17yrs old, I have been with him for two years.
Since then, I have changed completely. I started going out (I mean night club but not everyday) , wearing trousers, have hair extensions, have s** with one then five boyfriends... I can't mention everything.
I pray and I fast..I look like a good Muslim girl but deep down I have a problem.
I don't believe in love and I don't want to get married.
My family have stopped interacting with me.
please help me
- helpb4 its 2 late
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Assalamu alaikum Sister,
Insha Allah we can help you get your life back on track. First off I applaud you for seeking advice. You clearly understand that you have a problem.
You mentioned that you were married at age 17 to a 65 year old man. How did this marriage come about? Were you forced into it and are you still married to him?
What it sounds like to me is that you are rebelling. Maybe you were forced into this marriage and this is your way of showing your dissatisfaction. It's obvious that there may have been other thing's going on in your life that have affected how you feel and think and it's unfortunate.
This is my observation. You have turned to the Dunya as a way of releasing your anger and frustration. To some that lifestyle is easy with no pressures so they think. It's a way of forgetting about your problems. In reality you still have to face them. Your just putting it off for a while. It may seem like fun in the beginning but eventually it all catches up to you.
I wasn't always a Muslim. Before I came to Islam I was the Dunya. If you looked dunya up in the dictionary you would see my face there. I am not going to confess what I did, that is between me and Allah but I will say that at one time what I was doing was not good. At the time I was young like you. At the end of the day I was only hurting myself and family. You may not think your family care's about you, but if something serious ever happened they would be in pain. What I want you to understand is that you are only heading towards destruction. Nothing good will come from the path you are going down.
So here is what I would do. If you really want help, I would ask Allah(swt) for forgivness, make Tawbah and really mean it. You know that you have been living in sin. Next you need to do a self evaluation of yourself and decide what you want out of life. You know that the lifestyle you are living is not what you want. You wouldn't be looking for advice if you didn't want to change. You will need some help. Find some sister's in the masjid who can help you stay on track. You don't have to tell them what you have been engaging in, your just looking for someone who is taking their life in a positive direction. These are the people you want to associate with. You will also have to stay away from those friends who were engaging in the same negative lifestyle as yourself. That is important. The people you associate with is usually a good way for one to determine what type of person you are.
You have a lot of work to do but you can do it. Make sure you are reading Quran and staying engaged with people in the masjid. You need to learn as much about Islam as possible. That will help you stay on track when you are feeling week. Once you begin to make these personal changes in yourself, the people around you will take notice and you will begin to feel much better about yourself also.
Sister do this for yourself . Your family will come around when they see a change in you. Insha Allah, one day you will learn to love again.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaamalaikum .
I need help im very young i've done sins and i've tried 2 try again but i keep messing up.
and my mum thinks im acting weird and i will go back 2 my bad self. She does'nt beleive in me and its also putting me down. Alots happend and i need help please help if u need 2 know more i'd ask u to email me .. Im in love with Islam now but i just dont know where to start Please help me FAST
Walakum salaam
Dear young sister in Islam, Walaykumsalaam,
What is your age?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister im so sorrii i hvent replied since a long time Im 14yrs old
Walikumsalaam
Salaam Sister im so sorrii i hvent replied since a long time Im 14yrs old
Walikumsalaam Plz help
sorry i just realised the post is aimed at someone else, well inshAllah I hope the post may still benefit you inshALlah, have a looik at teh bottom for my posts to you inshAllah. Keep doing your islamic studies inshAllah regardless of your sins, dont let the shaytaan put you down and make you abandon your islamic studies.
May Allah forgive your sins and put you in jannah. We are all struggling with sins btw, most important is taht you love islam, you love ALlah and his messenger and thats the most important thing., PLease look below to see my responses to you inshAllah
Salaam alaikum !!!
THANKYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU SOOOOO MUCH for you advice its helping me so much i cant describe it all of u please try ur best to keep in touch although u have thousands of people posting theit problems Insha'llah with ur help we will make progress
Walikumsalaam x
Salaamalaikum .
I need help im very young i've done sins and i've tried 2 try again but i keep messing up.
and my mum thinks im acting weird and i will go back 2 my bad self. She does'nt beleive in me and its also putting me down. Alots happend and i need help please help if u need 2 know more i'd ask u to email me .. Im in love with Islam now but i just dont know where to start Please help me FAST
Walakum salaam, I REALI NEED HELP AS MY BROTHER IN ISLAM AND THE REPLIES U HAVE GIVEN INSPIRE ME THAT YOU CAN HELP PLEASE REPLY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE
THANK YOUUU SOO MUCH !! WalikumSalaam x
Dear young Writer,
You've done the right thing maashaAllah, as you are seeking help Alhumdulillah. Its ok, inshaAllah we will try our best to help you ok :O).
Log in and submit your question as a separate post and then let me know here and I will publish it right away. Are you ok with that? Are you male or female?
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thankyoyuuuuuu Masha'llah
We'll If u look at sumfin ur not suppose to and well u cant stop doin i've repented but i've done it again i pray before i go to sleep and do dua but it still kindah happens i am female and i've always wanted 2 be a Aalima but i do THIS how can i be sure that i will finally be ready to move on and be a proper muslim ??? and if ur parents dont know about this but think ur'll never stick to islam Sister Z u are my only Please help
x
My dear little Sister,
Log in and submit your post and I will reply to you in detail there. The reason being that there may be other young brothers and sisters in the same situation and so the advice we give here will help them too insha'Allah.
You are not a bad person - ok. But we can all do with some help and reminders from time to time and insha'Allah we will help you.
Let me know here when you've submitted your post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaamalaikum
Ever since u have even started giving me the advice things are looking up My dear brothers and Sister i will never be able to Thankyou may Allah SWT Give u ALL a place in Jannah Give massive Massive Thankyouu to Brother DB xx
And Sister z U have built my confidence already THANKYOUUU
Ok but im not a member and the register page is nowhere 2 be seen ??
The link to register is on the right side of the home page, under the heading, "Log in Or Register".
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister Z i've submitted my question as a seperate post
Salaam sister
My heart goes out to you. I want you to know that i'll be praying for you. Don't do anything rash. The above poster is right. The key is to get right with God.
I don't know what you were doing marrying a 65 yr old man, perhaps you did it out of love and trust for your parents, but this was clearly not right (because now your sleeping around).
You need to talk to you husband and your parents, perhaps they will have mercy and he will divorce you. Repent, try your hardest to turn your life around (one day at a time) and then pray to Allah. Remember everything you do (repenting, praying) should be for Allah, not for anyone else. This is advice I and every Muslim need to follow, so in a sense nothing has changed for you because of what you have done. Remember, Allah is Merciful. He is aware of all circumstances
May God have Mercy on you and may your parents understand.
My dear sister,
I agree with Br Abdul Wali. You have obviously been through a very difficult time during your youth. But Alhumdulillah, whatever you have been through you are still praying and fasting and you are feeling 'guilt' for the wrongs you are indulging in. So sister, let go of whatever is bothering you. Listen to what you are feeling deep inside. If your instincts are telling you that you are doing wrong by having boyfriends, sexual relations outside of marriage, clubbing and dressing innappropriately; why are you ignoring this? It is long overdue for you to let go of all this rebelling and time to turn back to Allah.
We do not know if we are going to be alive tomorrow, or even the next second. Allah has appointed a time for our death and He(swt) will most definitely take our soul whether we have finished our tasks or not. We will all die one day, that includes you too. Death is the only thing that is guaranteed 100% in our lives, yet it is the one thing we are least prepared for. My uncle had been planning a grand occasion for his son's wedding; but he died 5 days before the big day. All his planning, shopping of gold jewellery and clothes were of no use to him when the angel of death came to him, because death waits for no-one. It won't wait for you either; so what are YOU waiting for?
Do not let the past difficult events of your life kill your soul and do not let the bitterness harden your heart anymore. You are damaging no-one but yourself as sinning leads to hell. But it is not too late for you to change. You are fortunate, because you wrote here seeking help - that means you still have eemaan in your heart. Build on this my dear sister. Do not think for even a second that you are not worthy of being forgiven. Allah promises us in several places in the Quran that He(swt) will forgive us our sins if we stop sinning and repent sincerely.
Make an effort to change inside and inshaAllah this will naturally begin to reflect your external appearance aswell. When your heart becomes more concerned with seeking forgiveness from Allah and praying salaah sincerely, you will begin to dislike clubbing, having boyfriends etc and you will eventually want to dress in a more modest manner. How do you make that change? Leave whatever influences you to sin, seek repentance, ponder over ayahs of the Quran, attend Islamic classes, mix with kind Muslims sisters, remind yourself that Allah will reward you for every ounce of effort you make to turn to Him(swt). I know this is all easier said than done when you must be feeling so lost; but your effort will go along way for you inshaAllah. So please try...
Sister, arrange for some counselling for yourself as hopefully a counsellor will be able to help you regain confidence and self esteem. You can become a strong woman. When you start re-connecting with Allah(swt), you will notice an improvement in your relationship with your family too.
I do not know if you were forced into your marriage, but when you are emotionally stronger, you will also realise that not every marriage is a bad marriage and not all men are out to use and abuse. Marriage is a beautiful institution gifted to is by Allah to give us protection, security, companionship and happiness.
So work on bettering yourself by re-connecting with Allah. This is your key.
Best Wishes,
SisterZ
IslamicAdvice.com, Editor
Salaam my sister,
I agree with the others who have written here, and so I won't repeat what they have said.
What I will say is that we all know what is right and what is wrong - but you speak about your way-of-being as something that is out of your control.
It's in your control. You are in control of your actions. Self control is an art-form, it's a skill that we practice and practice until one day inshaAllah we can be masters of it. Its a daily rehearsal of exercise until it becomes an automatic part of you.
What happens to a lot of people is that they feel their actions and their thought process are an automatic process - like robots, but the truth is that you are driving yourself all of the time and you can steer your direction and your actions whenever you choose. Its psychology.
You have to first of all understand what is self-control and decisions, but thinking about your actions as you are doing them. The next time you are running a bath, or making a cup of tea, or chewing a piece of food - become very aware of the conscious nature of the actions you are taking and how you are choosing everything that you do. Notice, how every movement you make, comes from an instruction or intention inside of you.
Next, practice actual control over your action. If you are eating dinner for example, and you want rice - try to refuse the rice. Notice, again, how you can actually have a power over what is happening. Notice how - even though you want something - you still have the power to be without it and decide not to have it.
As you practice this on small things, you practice a connection start to build between your will and your deeds. Try tea with no sugar (if you take sugar), and notice how you can still drink it - and make your body do things upon your instruction, or try hoovering the house when you are feeling very very lazy and really don't want to. As you begin to see yourself in this view of body-driver, you will learn to rehearse that "thinking space" between thought and action and learn that you can start or end an action at your own command. Once you have identified and connected with that thinking space - you can then practice using that ability in more testing situations like saying no to bad deeds, like staying in when you want to go out.
Gradually, and with time, you should begin to feel the strength grow within you and you will be able to exercise that strength most of the time. As you begin to learn that you can control your actions, that you can decide what you do and what you don't do - the next step is to access the truth that you are hiding inside of you, and deal with the emotions that you are hiding from yourself.
My sister, no matter how bad your deeds, your thoughts or your intentions - you must believe that inside of you is a good person who wants to come out and express her goodness in healthy ways. It is never too late to begin our lives, and as with everything else - things come one step at a time. So don't set yourself the goal of being perfect straight away. Gently, one-step-at-a-time, with practice: you can eliminate one negative aspect at a time. If you have not prayed in a while, start with one prayer a day and build up and up from there. If you have not fasted in a while, try to fast for one day and then go from there. Set small, realistic goals that can be achieved.
There is no miracle cure for any emotional or life ailment - everything we are and everything we do is a result of work and dedication. No one wakes up one day in a state of perfection. You too, will not magically awake with new behaviours overnight.
But if you introduce the practice, slowly and gently inshaAllah, you will see yourself start to change - and what starts, continues, what continues grows and inshaAllah that tiny seed of faith that brings you here today will grow into a powerful and fruitful tree one day if you water it with practice, and tend to it every day.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salam Sister,
I hope you are very well. From what you have read, I have the impression that you were raised in a
cultural Muslim family in which the traditions of our faith aren't taken so seriously. It is natural that
you rebel , especially because your husband is much older than you are and you don't sound
like someone who got married out of her own choice.
The fact that you go out, make yourself attractive for the outside world and want other men to feel
attracted to you shows that you don't feel confirmed. Having sex with other men is of course a sin,
but if you haven't chosen this man, it doesn't fall into the category of adultery.
Seeking lust and pleasure outside of marriage is only a crime if you had access to the man you love
and felt respected within that marriage. Maybe you don't get the physical attention you need, you
look for someone who is younger, better looking and of your generation...............
The problem is that promiscuity and changing partners is something we get used to if we once
started, like alcolhol, domestic violence etc. I would therefore advise you to learn more about your
religion, improve your understanding of Islam and also to seek the help of an Islamic therapist, someone
who can help you from a religious as well as a psychological perspective.
Maybe you never felt loved by your own parents, often girls who have promiscuous relationships
are looking for a father, it is a father-replacement...
So you can only find out about the root of your problem if you consult the help of a therapist and of
course Allah Subhanahu va Taala.
Your family may not be happy about a divorce, even if it is going to happen due to a religious motivation.
This is not because of Islam, but in many partriarchalic society structures they don't approve of the
liberation of women. The fact that they turned their back on you shows that you can't rely on them and
disappointed or not, if someone is drowning, you have to help him get out of the sea, or at least send
a rescue boat. If the rescue boat can't be your family, let it be Islam by giving you comfort and the
best shoulder to lean on is Allah Subhanahu va Taala. Don't have a guilty conscience when you leave
your husband and marry the man of your choice. It is your life and your freedom to marry the man you
love. Preserve good family ties with your relatives and try to approach them by explaining to them
that it is Allah who helped you out of this difficult situation.
Maybe they will break off their ties with you, maybe they won't . Have a good akhlagh with them, their
reaction will depend on their culture and education. Insha allah you'll be guided on the right path.
Have in mind that Allah is more important than culture and family traditions.
Good luck
Sabrina Zahra,
You said: "Having sex with other men is of course a sin, but if you haven't chosen this man, it doesn't fall into the category of adultery. Seeking lust and pleasure outside of marriage is only a crime if you had access to the man you love and felt respected within that marriage."
How can you say this?
Seeking lust and sexual pleasure outside of wedlock is a sin and crime full-stop; regardless of whether one is in a happy marriage or not. Islam permits sexual relations only between married men and women, anything else is zina. This is a one of the most basic and well known laws set by Allah. So your statement goes completely against Islamic belief.
You have advised the sister to learn more about her religion, I think you need to do the same thing. Please learn and read from authentic sources before making such baseless statements in the name of Islam.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
I agree with nearly everything that has been said.
I would not take advice simply from reading a post but here is my opinion. In the end you are the captain of your ship. Do you really have faith in god? If there is no convictions it does you no good to build an identity that is baseless. I would urge you to think more analytically about what it means to be good in your life's context. What goals do you have for yourself? Who do you love and who loves you back?
I am not a religious person but you don't have to be religious to be good or happy. If you do have faith--I hope it is based on love and compassion.
ur not the only one in this situatiion and its not that u r not normal its just the hurt people cause u can lead u to do many things im not saying what u did is right but at the time u were foolish and well just did what u did out of foolishness but hey ALLAH forgives those who did bad stuff out of foolishness i read that in d quraan thats if they ask for forgiveness so ask forgiveness and try to stop doing the bad u doing then ull c light coming into ur life ALLAH says something to this effect seek help in patience and salaat.u stil marid to this old guy? wer u forced?
Dear Sister-Z,
I have never written that it is not a crime to commit adultery. You should have read my comment properly
and your aggressive reaction just shows that you may not feel confident as a person. Islam is the religion
of compassion and love and patience. When you see that your brother or sister makes a mistake,
try to advise them with patience and love, not aggression. However, catfights between females
don't have any religious motivation.
I haven't spread wrong information in the name of Islam. There is a jurisprudential verdict from Imam Ali
alayi salam that influenced my opinion:
When Imam Ali was khalifa, there were 4 cases of adultery that he had to decide upon.
1) In the first case,
a married woman who was poor asked for food and money for her children from an influential person in the
islamic state. He refused to give her the money, unless she would sleep with him.
Imam Ali, one of the four rigthly guided khalifas, released her, with the argumentation that she was forced
to sleep with the man in order to feed her children and therefore this wasn't considered to be adultery.
2) A married man who had access to his wife and wasn't forced to marry her or obliged to do something
against his own will committed zina and slept with another woman; verdict: Adultery Punishment: Stoning
3) A Christian( who enjoyed the status of dhimmi in an Islamic state) slept with a marrried Muslim woman
Verdict: Beheading as he was protected under the laws of the Islamic state, enjoyed privileges
as he was even allowed to drink alcohol or follow the customs of his deen and therefore took advantage of
his status
4) A handicapped or mentally disabled person had sex out of wedlock; He is not able to control his
actions, therefore Imam Ali released him
If the sister didn't choose this man, she still committed adultery, but it has to be taken into account
that she wasn't happy in that marriage, her self-confidence was affected negatively and she may
not have been treated the way she wished to be treated. So her punishment wouldn't be stoning and
it wouldn't be a case of adultery. I know that this wasn't debated here in this discussion, but this is what
I meant. At the end of the day, Allah subhanahu va taala is the concealer of our faults and he's
forgiving. By the way, I'm intending to get my MA in Islamic studies, so you don't have to worry my darling,
I'm still going to learn a lot more about my faith.
And in terms of her family, it is a fact that in many male-dominated societes, many customs and traditions
aren't islamic and oppress the female and that it is difficult for many women to turn to Allah because
their families give them a hard time.
Walking around without hijab and attracting males is not right, but only love and compassion and a high
understanding of your deen can guide a person on the right path, not aggression, no reproaches , just
understanding. Of course, everyone is responsible for his or her actions, but the psychological well-being
and the family background have to be taken into account as well. And therefore she needs a therapist
who is religious and can help her understand why she's behaving like this, very often, families fail to
give their children a good Islamic upbringing and aren't understanding.
I think that's enough, and again, we live in a free world, don't attack people only because they may
have a different viewpoint. I talked about a forced marriage and unhappiness resulting from it, not about
unhappiness in general.
Salams
Sabrina,
I do not see at all how my response to you has a reflection on my self-confidence. I felt that you made a strong statement that was not in line with Islam, so I simply replied to the comment. I was not trying to exert my 'female catty' side at all.
I read your comment again just now and to me, it still does not sound in line with Islam.
You said: "Having sex with other men is of course a sin, but if you haven't chosen this man, it doesn't fall into the category of adultery. Seeking lust and pleasure outside of marriage is only a crime if you had access to the man you love and felt respected within that marriage."
From reading your second post, I know understand that you had initially meant that if someone has committed adultery as a result of being in an unhappy and forced marriage, they have still committed zina and sinned, but due to the influencing circumstances, the punishment of stoning may not apply. I too agree with and understand this.
***
However, you did not explain yourself at all well in your first post. You first comment alone without any explanation is dangerous to someone who does not know Islam and can be highly misunderstood. If you are studying an MA in Islamic Studies, Alhumdulillah; may you inshaAllah prosper in this field. If you are maashAllah learned, then you would also know that you carry an extra degree of responsibility to explain your statements well.
I agree with you, when you say that 'love and compassion and a high understanding of deen can guide a person on the right path, not aggression, no reproaches'. If you read my above reply to this sister and replies to other people, you will notice that my approach has been one of compassion and understanding.
JazakhaAllah,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
Sabrina Zahra, As-salamu alaykum. There is no need for defensiveness or condescension ("catfights", "you may not feel confident as a person", etc.).
SisterZ did not attack you personally. She simply disagreed with your statement and wanted to clarify the Islamic viewpoint on adultery, and I fully agree with her.
There is a huge difference between a woman being forced to commit zinaa so she can feed her starving children, and doing it out of lust and desire because one is stuck in an unhappy (or forced) marriage. It's not the same at all. The exception of "daroora" or necessity applies to all Islamic laws, but the underlying principles of the laws remain the same. Zinaa is haram, period.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael, JazakhAllah for explaining my thoughts so simply and clearly:
There is a huge difference between a woman being forced to commit zinaa so she can feed her starving children, and doing it out of lust and desire because one is stuck in an unhappy (or forced) marriage. It's not the same at all. The exception of "daroora" or necessity applies to all Islamic laws, but the underlying principles of the laws remain the same. Zinaa is haram, period.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
Salams to all of you,
I didn't feel offended, at the end of the day, I don't accuse people of a lack of knowledge in islam and
sometimes the way we talk to others says a lot about how we perceive others, that's all. Not the
comment in general reveals traits of your personality, but the way you convey it to other people.
Telling me to learn more about my faith(as the sister put it) was indeed aggressive. However, now
the misconception has been removed. I never said zina is not haram, just that the circumstances
that lead to zina have to play a role and influence the verdict. In many societies, women can't file
for divorce as the legal system makes it impossible or the Shariah is applied in a wrong and injust
way. Many women can't file for divorce although they try, their husbands cheat on them or beat them etc...
I think it's unnecessary to discuss all of this. Did I ever say Zina is halal question mark???
I never did, so Brother, I agree with you....And sorry, but a woman who was forced into a marriage
doesn't have sex out of lust and pleasure, in this case, desperation and mental distress or simply
a non-Islamic upbringing play a role as well in the verdict of zina, not the phenomenon of zina.
Zina is zina and it's haram and because of you I have talked so much about it that I'll probably
dream of it tonight:))))
Let's agree that we all mean the same, and that ishtihad is not the interest of all Muslims
And I was only talking about the verdict of stoning which is not relevant here in Europe
I never accused anyone of not giving loving or compassionate comments to this woman.
Keep up the good work and thanks for taking me so seriously:) , i didn't think that my post was
so interesting, just tried to give some piece of advice and didn't want this girl to feel bad
Dear Brother Wael, thanks for supporting your colleague, but the fitra of women and their tendencies
and reactions differ from a man's reaction........
Jazakallah
Sabrina,
I read your second comment and tried to understand what you had actually 'meant' and I explained this to you.
You clearly have a fair amount of knowledge, so your further contribution on this website could prove to be of value. However, although I will refrain from highlighting specific comments you have made in your last post, your further implying of condescending remarks is really quite unnecessary.
SisterZ
Sister Z,
Sorry for offending you. I thought ur comment at the beginning was condescending as well.
Keep up the good work
Jazakallah
Dear Sister,
Salaam. Many people have given very good advice here to you - I hope you take it to heart.
All I can offer is that you said that you've been constantly faithful to your prayers and your fasts. That shows a strong faith, as well as strength of willpower and the ability to adhere to strict rules. You also felt this way of life was wrong and are here asking for advice - this also shows your good core. So I applaud you for this - many people in your position might have left their prayers and fasts altogether. So I feel as if you are a very good person inside, and you have gone down this wrong path out of frustration and perhaps repressed anger. You have to believe in yourself - you do have the ability to change, and Allah SWT is All Merciful, All Forgiving. All of us have done bad things in our lives - don't become consumed with guilt because of your mistakes. Would it be possible for you to do Umrah or Haj? Perhaps that would soothe your heart and bring you even closer to Allah. Best of luck - and I'm positive you can do this.
your imaan cannot be strong if you're consciously doing something wrong - entering nightclubs having sex with many different men. so i don't know how you can pray then do that too because you know in your head its wrong yet you love allah enough to pray yet can't stop committing other sins? baffles the mind
Asalaamoualaikoum sisters and brothers,
My name is Benazeer and I'm a 13 year old. I have comitted sins but sometimes when I remember back in those sins, I cry and start to hate myself even more. I ask ALLAH (SWT) for forgiveness but somtimes I don't feel like I deserve to be forgiven. My parents show me into the right path but sometimes I lead myself into the wrong path. Living in England changed my ways of living. I'm becoming more like them than a proper Muslim girl. Whenever I set my heart to being a good muslim, there is always something that stops me and change my mind. My friends all help me to become a good muslim but I just don't like it when they call me a bad muslim. I had a boyfriend and hey hated me for it. I broke up eith the boy and said it's for the sake of my friends. I didn't want to lose good friends like them. I realised my mistake but I don't always learn from it. I will always go back to it. I don't want to be a bad muslim. I just want to be a good enough muslim so ALLAH (SWT) would love me and forgive me for all my sins.
So please if you have any suggestion for me on how to become a good muslim girl, please send me a message through my email ........... Please please please help me. And please don't hate me and critise me. I just want to be a proper muslim. I was raised in a good muslim family but living in England just completely change me.
thank you and salaam.
(Email address deleted by Editor)
My Dear little Sister Benazeer,
Alhumdulillah you want to turn back to Allah. In life we are all tested, so sometimes forbidden things seem appealing to us. If you have been sinning, you can stop and you can become a good Muslim. When we sin, we feel guilty and it makes us become miserable and upset. If you want to turn back to Allah, this is a good thing. But if you find that you keep falling back to your old ways, then you need to assess what you are doing in your life that is influencing you badly.
First of all, make the intention that you want to change and be a good Muslimah - I think you have already done this. Next, learn what please and displeases Allah(swt). If you know this, you can base your life around it. Knowledge is Power. In the meantime, pray your Salaah and make dua asking Allah to make this journey easier for you. If you sacrifice for the sake of Allah, He(swt) reward you. Make positive changes in your life, so you could consider things like:
1) Dressing in a manner pleasing to Allah and wear hijaab.
2) Keep good company as are influenced by the people we hang out with. Avoid mixing with boys unless necessary. Do not meet boys in private, or talk with them unless you need to. If you speak to them because you are in the same class or school, remember that Allah is watching and speak only that which you would feel happy to say in public.
3) Lower your gaze.
4) Avoid listening to Music as it influences your emotions.
5) Remember that Allah(swt) has promised that there will be seven groups of people whom He(swt) will shade of the Day of Judgement, when there will be no shade but His. One of those groups of people will be the youth who spent their youth in His(swt) worship.
6) Pray your Salaah, recite Quran and read about Islam. Learn about how the Prophet(sws) lived his life and read about the Muslim role models, for example: Aisha(ra).
InshaAllah, when you improve your relationship with Allah, He(swt) will help you and make this easier for you. Then your relations with your friends will improve too. There are lots of Muslims living in England who maintain their deen despite the temptations. It is possible my dear, if you have the will. It will take some effort on your part. There are lots of Islamic talks and circles on going on in England, so if you tell us where in England you are, I can give you some details of events inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As Salaam:
1. Do not be despaired of Lord's Mercy. If one sincerely seeks Him; He will overlook any faults (except shirk/kufr); and even this thought of seeking Him comes out of His Infinite Bounty. We have no credit to us; all credit goes to our Lord.
2. What's done has been done; one cannot reverse the clock. The Glorious Lord wants to excel you; and this desperation of yours is attracting His Mercy towards you.
3. So; sing His Praises; Thank Him ceaselessly; and endeavour to lead a life in accordance of His commands. We must make every effort to inculcate His fear within ourselves; and make endless duas to ask Him to protect us from disobedience.
May Rabb Ta'ala make us all practice what we preach; and bless us with Taqwa ...
Was Salaam!
Humans are the highest creatures; because they ask for Allahu Ta'ala's forgiveness. And nothing is more dearer to Rabb ta'ala; than His slaves seeking His Forgiveness ...
Salim, very nice comment, jazak Allah khayr.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dearest sister,
All of us are sinners.Allah tells us that he forgives all things accept associating partners with him.So do not lose hope of his mercy nor forgiveness.No one is better then the other,but saying this does not give you a free liscence to keep going,and stopping for you probably at this point is not going to be easy,but not impossible.
Sins are an addiction.So you must look at your sins as an addict would.Do you think addicts can get better on their own ? No way!
You need a Doctor,and i dont mean a psychologist nor a medical physician.Although a pschologist and a counselor would help you to some degree at this point.
But the kind of Doctor you need is a spiritual Doctor.You need a spiritual shaykh who can work with you on your nafs.All of us have nafs.Some are sick more then others.Allah tells us that there are 3 types of nafs ( self) 1 is nafs ammarah 2 is nafs lawwamah and 3 is nafs mutma'innah.
Nafs ammarah is the unruly self and is not being obedient and is the animalistic self. Nafs lawwamah is the self that has developed God conscious and still make mistakes but repents for them.Nafs mutma'innah is the state of peaceful self.
You need to find a spiritual shaykh (Doctor) who can help you and guide you through these states of spiritual growth.Depending on your locality will you know what kind of shaykh is close to you.
Those of you who love islam but are engaged in sin, you must know that you are good people with imaan and love of Islam in your heart. If you make a thousand sins then repent a thousand times, Allah never gets tired of forgiving people as long as they acknowledging they are doing wrong and wish theycould stop the sin.
Learn about the conditions of repentance and how to repent properly to Allah. Also leaving your environment may help inshAllah also. Even someone with a lot of imaan still had desires that they must fight against and we are weak as human beings. whatever happens, dont give up, keep attebnding islamic talks and dawah events and being invovled in islam and being around good muslims and inshAllah you will get yourself straight eventually with the help of Allah. be sincere and pour your heart out to Allah.
If you are forced into marriages and other unislamic things, then this shoudl be a reminder to everyone of the harm our elders are doing by enforcing these kinds of ignorant and backwards unislamic practices, they are harming our beloved Islam.
You must figure out a way out of that marriage inshAllah, you should marry a good righteous muslim man whom you are pleased with physically and religiously and in terms of his character, this is a right Allah has bestowed on you and noone has the right to force you into a marraige.
Im a muslim convert in britain and love Islam and think it is the most promising movement for mankind but I abhor what some people have done to Islam from within our own ranks. we must change this inshAllah by the will o fAllah and return to Islam in its original and unadalterated form inshAllah t'ala
benazeer, everyone who asks for forgiveness sincerely to Allah deserves it. you are a beautiful and sincere person and should never dispair and Allahs mercy. keep fighting those sins and always make tawbah (repentance) and inshAllah you will start to make improvements and be forgiven for your slips. the amount of times Allah can forgive you has no limits, one of shaytaan stricks is to tell you you dont deserve forgiveness but Allah has promised that he has limitless mercy for those who repent and remorse their sins
Also your friends need to be more understanding and I dont agree with their reaction. its very difficult being a muslim in the west and you clearly love islam and regret your sins and thats more than many people so dont let them be hard on you. perhaps show them some hadeeths on how to behave towards a sinful but sincere friend as there are many hadeeths, like the prophet told us to give our brother or sister 70 excuses when we see them commit a sin
also, to clarify, sex outside of marriage is always a sin. If your husband didnt love you properly or give you your rights, this is a sin on his part and a cause for divorce even, but still doesnt justify adultery or make it not a sin (I dont think the sister meant taht though).
Also, concerning stoning to death, this publishment is largely symbolic in islam in order to highlight the severity of adultery. The reason I say this, is because, while it is a real punishment that muslim governments should implement, the condition of four people witnessing the actual penetration is too unlikely to every really occur. And a confession is actually discouraged in Islam and if one does confess they are asked for three days to take back their confession and if they run from the stoning they must be set free. This is because in a hadeeth a companion confessed adultery 4 times to the prophet and each time, he turned away from the companion but the companion was so remorseful taht he continued to incist on stoning so the prophet ordered his stoning. When the muslims stoned him, he attempted to run and they still killed him. the prophet became angry and said "why did you still kill him? Perhaps his repentence would have been accepted by Allah". Also a women confessed and the prophet kept sending her away, saying she was pregnant, then saying she must breast feed for 2 years, but each time she kept coming bac k so eventually he ordered her stoning and afterwards said he repentence was so sincere that the whole of madinah was forgiven.
So if anyone comitted adultery you must keep it to yourself and repent and make changes in your life but know that the sin was severe but can be forgiven if you pour out your heart to Allah and change your ways in life inshAllah.
May Allah bless you all and may we all work hard for our beloved religion and may it bring peace and hapiness to its adherents. Ameen
Brother Dawud,
Thanks for sharing and your reply added to my knowledge.
May Allah swt bless you with happiness in this life and hereafter.
However, in regards to adultary (tawbah) , what happens when a wife of a man becomes pregnant from another man-basically not her husband. I mean, the child have the right to know who his/her real father is. So how would this life scenario be resolved?
Wa alaykum salaam
the short answer is that if a woman is married and commits zina, the child must be raised as the child of her husband. the person who committed zina with her has no rights whatsoever. whilst this may be tough on the child, the child is not to know that he was born of zina, because the harms outweight the good and it is better that the child be raised to a loving and religiously committed father and that the family remain in tact. the women must keep her sin to herself and make tawbah and stay with the husband and break all contact with the man she comitted zina with.
Alhamdulillah im glad you took some benefit from my post, may Allah bless you and may we all be humble and make tawbah for our sins and may Allah acceot our repentence and make us of the righteous and not of the arrogant ones. If you have anything furtehr you need to ask, feel free and inshAllah ill try my best to respond to whatever im aware of. jazak allahu khair
here is an article clarifying the main points:
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/85043/zina%20real%20father
Attribution of an illegitimate child and rulings that result from that
Thirty-two years ago an illegitimate child was born to a foreign kitaabi woman (i.e. Jewish or Christian woman). He is a young man of very good character and with a good heart. When he reached the age of 25, he started to look for his parents. He found his mother, and he found me, the father, a week ago. It has been proven by DNA testing that I am the father. I got married 31 years ago to a Muslim woman, and I have a daughter and two sons from her, and I have 4 grandchildren. Praise be to Allaah Who guided me, I came back to fear of Allaah and I am religiously-committed: I pray and give zakaah, and I did Hajj and ‘Umrah 3 years ago, my wife and I. I ask Allaah to guide me always and help me to repent.
I hope that you can advise me: is he a mahram for my wife and daughter? Is he a brother to my children? Should I regard him as one of the family? I hope that you can explain everything that has to do with the matter.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
We ask Allaah to pardon us and you, and to help us to repent properly and turn to Him, and to bless us with good and righteous offspring by His grace and bounty.
Remember that repentance and guidance are the best things that a person may be blessed with in this world; they are the greatest blessings that Allaah can bestow upon us. So we must be grateful to Allaah for them, and strive to renew them. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to pray to Allaah for forgiveness and repent to him one hundred times every day, as was narrated by Muslim (2702).
Secondly:
With regard to the attribution of illegitimate children, the fuqaha’ have discussed this issue in detail and they said that one of two scenarios must apply to the woman with whom zina is committed:
1 – Either she is married, in which case any child who is born to her is to be attributed to the husband and not to anyone else, even if she is certain that he is the child of the one with whom she committed zina, unless the husband disowns the child by means of li’aan, in which case the child is not attributed to the husband, rather he is to be attributed to his mother and not to the zaani (adulterer).
2 – Or she is not married. If an unmarried woman has a child, the scholars differed as to whether the child should be attributed to his father, the zaani, or to his mother. There are two opinions, which have been discussed and the evidence for them quoted, in the answer to question no. 33591. See also the answers to questions no. 117, 2103 and 3625. There it says that the correct view is that this attribution is not valid, so it is not permissible to attribute the illegitimate child to the zaani, rather he should be attributed to his mother, even if there is certainty that this child was fathered by this zaani.
It says in Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (20/387):
The correct scholarly view is that the child is not to be attributed to the man who had intercourse with the woman, unless intercourse took place within the framework of a valid or invalid marriage or something that may be taken as a marriage contract or concubinage or something that may be taken as concubinage. In such cases, the child may be attributed to the man who had intercourse with the woman, and they may inherit from one another. But if it was a case of zina then the child cannot be attributed to the zaani. Based on that, he cannot inherit from him. End quote.
It also says in Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (22/34):
With regard to the illegitimate child, he is to be attributed to his mother, and he comes under the same rulings as any other Muslim if his mother is a Muslim. He is not to be blamed or put to shame for his mother’s crime or the crime of the one who committed zina with her, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And no bearer of burdens shall bear another’s burden”
[Faatir 35:18]
End quote.
Thirdly:
It is well known that attribution of lineage affects many rulings such as rulings on breastfeeding, custody, guardianship, maintenance, inheritance, qasaas, the hadd punishment for stealing, slander, testimony etc. Because the more correct view is that the illegitimate child cannot be attributed to the zaani, none of the rulings mentioned above can be proven to apply to the father of the illegitimate child, rather many of them apply to the mother.
But the illegitimate father (the zaani) is still affected by the rulings forbidding marriage. According to the majority of scholars, the rulings forbidding marriage still apply between the illegitimate child and his father and his father’s relatives.
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is haraam for a man to marry his illegitimate daughter, or his illegitimate sister, or his (illegitimate) son’s daughter, or his daughter’s daughter, or his brother’s daughter, or his sister who is illegitimate. This is the view of most of the fuqaha’. End quote.
Al-Mughni (7/485).
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about an illegitimate daughter –can she marry her father?
He replied:
Praise be to Allaah. The view of the majority of scholars is that it is not permissible to marry her. This is definitely the correct view. End quote.
Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (32/134).
It says in al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (36/210):
It is haraam for a man to marry his illegitimate daughter, because of the clear meaning of the verse (interpretation of the meaning):
“Forbidden to you (for marriage) are: your mothers, your daughters…”
[al-Nisa’ 4:23]
because she is his daughter in a real sense and in linguistic terms and she was created from his water (i.e. sperm), so the illegitimate son is forbidden (in marriage) to his mother.
This is the view of the Hanafis and of the Maalikis and Hanbalis. End quote.
Fourthly:
Based on the above, it is not permissible for this illegitimate son of yours to marry your daughters, so they are his like sisters. The same applies to your wife.
But that does not mean that he is a mahram for them in the sense that they may be alone with him and take off their hijab in his presence. Prohibition of marriage does not always mean that one is a mahram in the sense that it is permissible to be alone with the person etc. This is an additional ruling which applies only to the shar’i mahrams, so attention must be paid to that.
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Zina means that a person is forbidden in marriage, but it does not make the person a mahram or make it permissible to look (at a member of the opposite sex). End quote.
Al-Mughni (7/482).
This does not mean that you should not treat this young man kindly and strive to bring him to Islam and make him a member of the family, but he should not be attributed to his illegitimate father, and the issue of the daughters of the family observing hijab in front of him should not be taken lightly. We ask Allaah to bless you and guide you.
And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
Help786 I receievd your response via email bgut it hasnt shown up on the message board yet for some reason, but in response, jazak Allahu khair alhamdulillah I am very happy that you have benefitted from some of my posts. It is great that you are in love with Islam, I feel the same, and no matter what sins we commit we should always hold firm to taht love of Islam and always stay involved in the dawah and hang around with righteous people inshAllah and attend events and talks and do what we can for islam, it is so great on the scale of good deeds taht inshAllah it will overweigh our sins on the scales inshAllah. Also we must sincerely pour our heart out to Allah and repent so that our sins may be turned into good deeds inshAllah. Stay firm and try your best and slowly inshAlllah you will get stronger in your practice of Islam and never give up hope no matter how many sins you commit because Allah's name All merciful doesnt mean he will forgive everyone and that its ok to sin, it means that while me or you will have limited patience and after being asked a certain amount of times we will say no, with Allah, it doesnt matter how many times you sin, if you repent ALlah never says "you have committed to many sins now and repentence is closed for you" but its very important to perform tawbah inshallah and learn how to perform it properly and what its conditions are etc, I did a quick search on well known shaikhs and found a lecture on tawbah taht may benefit you inshallah: http://www.halaltube.com/yasir-qadhi-the-power-of-repentance I havent heard it myself so cant say for sure if it contains everything you need to know but hopefully it will inshallah. I recommend to sit with a pen and paper and listen and write down all the key points so you can keep a small collection of points with you to remind you on tawbah inshAllah. Seeking knowledge is very important, try to attend circles and lectures if you can inshAllah.
Sorry to hear your family is not being understanding, I think we have some major problems in the muslim community at the moment and especially the youth who are raised in western countries where our will power is destroyed and we are bombarded with things to make our desires get too strong, its very difficult to avoid some sins living here and now its sadly reached the muslim lands too. The elder generation sadly do not understand the problems and are not aware of the drastic situation facing the youth. Many of them are not bothered, that is why I am happy you are concerned with your sins and care about and love islam and that is why you give me hope and I believe it to be important that people think this way even if they are struggling with some sins.
In Islam we must hide our sins and your family may not understand so best to hide your sins, show your parents you are serious about islam by reading boks, attending circles and being with religious friends, attend religious activities and events inshAllah, whatever your sins are, hide them from everyone else so that only you and Allah know, and then slowly work on decreasing your sins and increasing your good deeds and repent from the sins inshAllah. Depending on the nature of the sins there are many good online articles detailing how to try and avoid them. If you post an anonymous post enquiring about how to avoid certain types of sins I will try and find the articles that will help you to battle them inshAllah as there are some tactics to use that will decrease those sins. Same goes to anyone else, if you need help battling some sins, post an annoymous post and inshALlah we will try to help each other and deal with each other with mercy and kindness and pray for each other without judging each other as Allah will judge us, we are brothers and sisters and only want good for each otehr inshAllah and feel each others pain and difficulties and should be understanding of each otehrs problems, especially those who are sincere believers who love Islam, how great and valuable search a heart is, regardless of the sins committed, a heart that loves islam is surely a great and pure heart.
a few hadeeths id like to share:
Narated By Anas : A man asked the Prophet about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, "When will the Hour be?" The Prophet said, "What have you prepared for it?" The man said, "Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Apostle." The Prophet said, "You will be with those whom you love." We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet (i.e., "You will be with those whom you love.") Therefore, I love the Prophet, Abu Bakr and 'Umar, and I hope that I will be with them because of my love for them though my deeds are not similar to theirs.
Reference
►Bukhari Volume 005, Book 057, Hadith Number 037.
secondly, in the shariah law, if you are publicly caught drinking, you will receive lashes. while this is difficult for the heart, the idea of lashing, when you see the disasterour state of western society due to alchol, you know that in reality it is a law of compassion on society because alcohol is a grave sin that causes much corruption. yet how must our hearts be towards though who PUBLICLY drink alchohol (if you sin privately and hide your sin there is no punishment as noone knew about your sin and you kept yourself from harming of effecting anyone else so the sin is between you and Allah). Here is an important hadeeth on this issue, in this case the man was even REPEATEDLY FOUND DRUNK:
Narrated 'Umar bin Al-Khattab: During the lifetime of the Prophet there was a man called 'Abdullah whose nickname was Donkey, and he used to make Allah's Apostle laugh. The Prophet lashed him because of drinking (alcohol). And one-day he was brought to the Prophet on the same charge and was lashed. On that, a man among the people said, "O Allah, curse him ! How frequently he has been brought (to the Prophet on such a charge)!" The Prophet said, "Do not curse him, for by Allah, I know for he loves Allah and His Apostle."
Reference
► Volume 8, Book 81, Number 771:(Sahih Bukhari)
so its very important to understand the great difference between a sincere person who is struggling with some sins and an evil corrupt person who has no care for his lord or religion.
Here is also the link to a good article on a particular type of sin that is common amongst muslims today. Its a slightly uncomfortable subject to discuss so I will just leave an article because no subject must be ignored because of discomfort, especially when its affecting so many muslims now. its the issue of pornography. Our minds are bombarded with sex from ayoung age and our will power has been destroyed, many sincere and righteous muslims are struggling with pornography addictions now that the intrenet has ben unleashed on the world with no concern for moderation or sensorship of harmful things. when your desires can be so easily fulfilled its incredibly hard not to, when every where you look are naked women now. so here ius a nice article on how to deal with pornography addictions to anyone who may benefit inshAllah. its a very practical article with tips on how to battle it:
http://muslimmatters.org/2007/08/19/pornogrpahy-addiction-among-muslims-stories-tips/
Hope it benefits everyone inshAllah
I apologise for anything wrong ive said and all errors are mine and shaytaans, anything good was from Allah. Wallahu a'lam
Salaamalaikum masha'llah ur reply has shown 🙂 Could u plz email me ITS URGENT !!!!!!!!
Dear Sister,
We do not allow the exchange of email addresses here. But I am still waiting for your post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
asslam sister ask forgiveness right away this is not good what your dooing your been called a muslim but rom heart no leave all these foollish stuff and know wha your doing Jazak ALLAH
Salaam Brothers & Sisters.
I am a normal 17 year old girl. However, I am deaf in both ears and wear hearing aids. I am worried that when I am older I won't be able to get a proposal of marriage from a man because of my disability. I know that i am to young to be worrying about this but its true isn't it? I am also apprehensive of the very idea of marrying a total stranger when and if the time comes.
Please help me.
Allah-Fiz
Assalaam
i am not interested in marriage it is (Question deleted, please log in and submit your question as a separate post. Thank you, IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
ASSALAMUALAIKUM..... well obviously you have committed many sins, from what i have read i can tell you that you are not a good muslim, but i'm not someone to judge you, but Allah SWA can. and you should repent to Allah, and never do the same mistakes, because if you make the same mistake then is a decition. you better repent to Allah after something else happened. and since now on you should be a good muslim, respect your husband, read the quran and all those things. Again.... i'm not someone that can judge.
I am fifteen and my father made me marry a Lebanese man who is in his 60s.
Emily, As-salamu alaykum. I have published your question as a separate post here:
15 and forced to marry a 60 year old man
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I always see bad things in my phone like naked people
I also always make a fight