I married the wrong woman
I feel like I chose the wrong woman to marry... I lost the love of my life.
AoA everyone,
I am a 37 year old Muslim man, and I am in need of your prayers and good advice.
14 years back, I was in love with a woman. She is Hindu. She was the friend of my friend’s fiancée.
I was attending job training in a big city where she and my friend’s fiancée was attending medical college. My friend used to go meet his fiancée, and I accompanied him one day, when I was introduced to this woman. I was instantly drawn towards her decent attitude, intelligent talks, and calm demeanor. My training ended and I moved back to my home town, but could not forget her. We kept in touch through emails. Please, brothers and sisters, no judgement here for online relation and zina and hellfire. After a year of communicating, we both realized we love each other. I also met her two more times in that one year. She told me her family wanted her to do Master’s and once she is done with her studies, she will be in a better position to talk to her family about me. I also decided that this gives me another two years to concentrate on my career.
She understood that she would have to revert to Islam, if we wanted any future for us. She didn’t commit anything, but she expressed her interest in knowing more about my religion. I know she was studying books on Islam, read the Holy Quran in English, and was genuinely interested in my religion. I don’t know what I was thinking, I wanted to marry her, as I felt peace, and love and happiness with her, but I also knew that it would be very difficult to convince my parents. There was an interfaith marriage in my family before which didn’t go well.
Around the time she was studying for Master’s, she learnt about Islam’s views on haram relation, and she told me to reduce our contact as much as possible. She was interested in marrying me, and wanted to wait for that. She also started working as a doctor at a remote village. There was a gap of almost two years when we didn’t meet and only spoke occasionally.
When I told my family about her, they got very upset, and started looking for girls for my marriage. In a few days, they brought an alliance for me from a family we knew. The girl was also my friend’s sister, and there was a rumor that she was the reason for her elder sister’s divorce. I was tired of fighting with my parents, and decided to meet the girl, and reject later on the ground of the rumor. When I met her, Masha Allah, she was so beautiful. I could not believe my luck that such a beautiful girl would want to be my wife. We met in mahram way, and her beauty just overwhelmed me. My girlfriend was good looking too, but nothing compared to my wife.
Our marriage was fixed in 6 month time. All these times, I kept thinking about my Hindu girlfriend, but did not know what to say to her. I knew she was waiting for me, but now I was in love with this beautiful girl, who comes from my culture and religion, and marrying her would make my life less complicated. I also openly told my fiancée about my previous relationship, and she was ok with that. My job was made easy, when one day my girlfriend called on my cell. My phone was lying on the table, and my fiancée picked the phone. My girlfriend left a message for me that her father was hospitalized, and she was travelling to be with her family. But my fiancée (not sure for what reason) told her that I do not care what happens to her father as I am already married. I was shocked at her behavior, but didn’t know how to react. My girlfriend didn’t say anything. A month later, I told her that I’m engaged to be married to the girl she spoke on phone the other day. My girlfriend was quiet for a long time, and then wished me good luck. She said she would try to go abroad for higher studies so that we never come in front of each other even by chance.
I married my fiancée immediately after that. We have been married for 9 years, and have a beautiful son. Immediately after my marriage, I realized that my wife is only beautiful from outside. She was very bad tempered, ill-behavior and selfish. She doesn’t know how to speak, and behaves badly with anybody, be her own family members or mine. She used to dis-respect my parents and family members to such a degree that my parents asked me to live separately with her. I also ignored my own career so that she can do her higher studies, and paid for her education. My wife also had affairs with other men, which I ignored. She never understood me, and if I ever tried to share anything with her, I don’t know in what way she would react (mostly badly). I am a very good father, and everyday I try to be a good husband. I provide for my wife very well, and even shower her with all the luxuries (real estates, jewelries) because that way she feels that she is better than her sisters and friends. I am very unhappy in my marriage and personal life, but I do not want to divorce her as she is the mother of my child.
I guess I accepted this as my life, and Allah’s wish. Few months back, my friend and his wife (who was my girlfriend’s friend) was in town. I went to meet with them (without my wife, because she misbehaved with them before, and they don’t want to meet with her anymore). Here I came to know that my wife had been continuously emailing the Hindu woman for the last few years, her last emails were just a few months back. My friend’s wife showed me a few emails, which her friend forwarded to her, and I must say that I am ashamed to see the language my wife used in those emails. My wife called the woman bitch, slut and other unmentionable things, and blamed her for having an extra marital affair with me. My friend’s wife told me that her friend replied to first few emails to convince her that we haven’t met or spoken in last 10 years, but my wife would only reply back with more bad words. So she stopped replying to my wife.
Brothers and sisters, I wrote this long story about my life so that you understand and give me proper advice. I would not deny that in my married life, I never thought of my girlfriend. I craved for the companionship I had with her, the feeling of being loved and respected, her mature way of dealing with life. But I always brushed away my memories of her. Since I heard about how my wife has been treating her, I can’t stop thinking of her for a moment. I now realize that I let myself get carried away by external beauty, and got confused with the idea of marrying a muslimah and make my parents happy, and in the process gave away the pious woman Allah had sent for me. I cannot stop thinking about all this time how I hurt this woman, who just loved me unconditionally and wanted nothing in return. I wish I could speak to her, ask for her forgiveness, but I know that is not done. I now dream of a future that I would meet her in my next life, and if I do, I promise I will do everything to make her happy.
I know I probably haven’t carried myself like a proper Muslim man. I need your prayers to find peace, and I need your prayers for this woman who had been hurt (and I know still hurting) for no mistake of hers.
Jazak Allah Khair
broken123
19 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Hello,
You may have ditched your hindu girlfriend and did wrong to her, but its not like you committed zina and did not marry her than etc. I think it was wrong of you to break your promise of marrying your hindu girlfriend, but many people get engaged and break their engagements. At the same time like you mention it was a complicated situation. Marrying a revert woman and bringing her into your family is a challenging task.
I think where you went wrong is when you fell for your wife beauty, and not checking her deen, character.
Lastly your wife is crazy, why is she still sending your ex abusive email. You need to make her stop doing that and apologize to your ex.
Well, you certainly deserved this because you shamefully confessed that you married your present wofe because of her beauty. You know nothing about love, because love is about contentment which you dont have a bit. If you wife waa good you wouks forget about your hindu girlfriend.
Well, i think you should forget everything and try conduct a meeting of your wife and hindu lady in presence of everyone to sort this once and for all. Go for hajj and amend yourself and work on your wife. Remember ahe certainly has some good as well so dont just bad mouth ur wife.
Jazak Allah Khair brother Nawabzada for replying.
Yes, I confessed my mistake, brother, i thought that was the honest thing to do here, instead of saying I was forced into a marriage.
As I said, I am not in touch with my ex, and not planning to contact her. She also still lives abroad (as far as I guess). In this case, do not you think contacting her and bringing my wife and her face to face would bring more complications. And what do you mean by "in presence of everybody"? My parents are no more, and I don't think others care.
Jazak Allah Khair brother for reading my story and replying. You understood my problem in essence.
My wife still doesn't know that I know of her abusive emails to my ex. I am afraid if I confront her, she would suspect that I am in touch with my ex (which I am not) and go more paranoid, and in return hurt my ex more. She is unreasonable.
Thank you.
Dear Brother
Assalamualikum
No need to talk about ur girlfriend with your wife. She may get angry nd will be more suspicious. I think your wife definitely love you alot otherwise she never mail ur ex girlfriend. May b she feel insecure. Give her more love, pray for her coz she is your wife, mother of your child. Brother all human being is not same. My husband was an addict. I have spent a horrible life which u never be imagine... I have a daughter. But i had the faith on my almighty Allah.. In each paryer i Prayed for him.. Still now praying.. I just say allah " Please help him to leave this addiction"... Yes Allah heard my prayer. Now he leave his addiction life. So brother please pray to allah nd try to make more nd more well behave with ur wife.. In sha allah she will change... Nothing is impossible.
Another thing ..please don't think about ur girl friend. You can pray for her nd ask forgiveness to Allah....
Jazak Allah Khair
Dear Sister, Thank you for reading and replying. Your advices were really helpful. In my current situation (which has worsened since I posed this letter) has refrained me from seeing the positives. I am praying, but I did not know what to ask in Du'a after the prayers. You showed me the way.
I am also very impressed at how you dealt with your own problems and marriage. Truly inspiring.
Jazak Allah Khair and wish you all the best in your way to happiness.
Assalama aleikum,
There are two things to your case dear brother.
1. The current state of your marriage. You have listed many problems. No one will know the true extent of these problems and how they have one about etc. this is something you will personally have to workiut with your wife.
2. A fantasy that should have died a long time ago but that you feel you need to carry in your head because of reason 1.
I think you need to sit down with your wife and work through your problems. Seek marital counselling if you fail to communicate effectively. Look at her good sides; is she a good mother... Even that is a start. Go back and look at the right and responsibilities of the husband and wife in Islam. Examine yourself- how is your deen and relationship with Allah swt? Can you do more ibaadah, ask Allah swt to Help you through this. This is going to take time, patience and perseverance. But you have a 9 year marriage and it is worth trying to work out your problems first.
You need to forget this fantasy about the Hindu girl from 10 years back. It is completely unacceptable that you're even entertaining the idea of communicating with her. You have a family and a wife. What happened 10 years ago- you're still carrying it. Repent sincerely to Allah swt for it and let go. This lady has probably moved on and married and has her own life. She's not the girl from yesterday you may have wanted to marry. It was never in you Khadr to marry her. Also your family friends should stop giving you reports on her status and emails. You should also address this issue with your wife and bring her back to reality which is today not what went on 10 years ago.perhaps your wife feels threatened by your friendship with this couple who have a connection with your past. Perhaps she is imagining that you're still thinking of this girl from 10 years back- and to be honest you are. It doesn't excuse your wife's behaviour but it is still unacceptable.
I really think you are seeking a way out and you feel that rectifying a situation that does not need rectifying nor does it exist, will magically make things ok again. I think as human being we do this when our relationship is failing - concentrate instead on the reality and work on it.
Firstly stop daydreaming and take charge to change your life.
Good luck brother. May Allah swt make things easy for you.
Jazak Allah Khair sister Hopefulsis for replying.
I apologize if I, in my post, gave the impression that I am entertaining the idea of communicating with my ex. I would never do that in this life. As you said, I don't know her situation in life, and yes, you are right, she is no more the same girl. But, I also believe, a person's character, demeanor doesn't change much over time.
You pointed me towards a very important issue, that my wife is threatened with my contact with my family friends. I met them for the first time in 7-8 years, they also live abroad. And no, they do not "give me reports", and neither do I ask. But I understand your point, that my wife might suspect the same, even though the situation being opposite. The situation at home is so that I am only allowed to meet her relatives and friends, and lost contact with my side of friends. I was trying to break through that. But as you said, sister, this was not in my Qadr.
Salam
Salaam brother,
You cannot meet her in next life. Because next life will be akhira. And since you are not married with her, you will not be with her in Jannah.
About the issues in your relationship, I think you have to change your attitude towards your wife and learn about Marriage 2.0, you seem to be a very good guy and your wife is taking advantage of you.
Please read " Married Man Sex Life Primer " , it'll show you some tips on how to take control of your marriage and what to do if you can't take control.
I would like to thank you and also I appreciate your responses to other peoples posts. Most questioners just post the question and don't engage with the people who answer their questions.
Jazakallah Khairan.
Thank you brother Asif for replying.
The first first para of your post scares and depresses me, but it reminds me the reality. So thanks. Like the other sister mentioned, I'm probably daydreaming. Thanks to all of you for bringing me back to reality.
I didn't understand what you meant by Marriage 2.0, kindly explain. I'll definitely read the book suggested by you.
Jazak Allah Khair.
Dear brother,
Very nice to have a conversation with a well educated man who is trying his best to improve himself to improve the situation he is in.
It's hard to find people these days who try and learn how to become a better person in order to face the challenges of life. So kudos to you.
The definition of Marriage 2.0 is described by the author in the book I mentioned. It's actually trying to handle a marriage according to todays society. We can't expect women to be like the wives of the past who are obedient to their husbands and rarely fight back or ask anything in return. Todays women are more demanding and have a different attitude towards marriage. We have to equip ourselves to deal with that.
If you need more self help books, I'm happy to suggest you. But I don't want to overwhelm you. Let's take this step by step.
Also, please stop showering her with expensive gifts. You are just wasting your hard earned wealth. A good woman will be happy even if you give her a decent present. She needs just enough to know you love her. You will find more about this in the books,
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
The Book of Pook.
All the best.
Thank you brother Asif. We are all trying our best to improve our situation here, in our own way. Thank to people like you who takes interest in reading our posts and advising.
Jazak Allah Khair.
Brother, which city are you from. Just curious.
Brother Asif, I genuinely appreciate your curiosity, But this site asks people to refrain from providing self identifying information. So, I would just say I live in India.
Thanks for your reply brother. And I respect your decision to remain anonymous.
I live in Hyd by the way.
Hello brother,
Just relax. What happened with you was your destiny. Allah made pair for each one of us and so is yours.
Yes you made a mistake for not marrying your Hindu girlfriend. But obeying your parents is a good deed. She was hurt and the best way is to ask forgiveness to the one who is hurt.
Make tawbah to Allah for the mistake you made as Allah is the most merciful. He knows all about you.
Contact her personally and ask for forgiveness. InshaAllah she will forgive you.
About your wife - be kind towards her. Rasulullah (s.a.w.) told us to be kind towards women. She is your wife . And you both are made for each other. Your ex was your past and she is your present. Do taleem in your house , read hadith and ask your wife to sit with you. Pray for her and make her trust strong on you. Brother it happens with everyone when we don't like our partner or we have a fight we think we would have married someone else.
Go for a vacation with your wife and your kid and your family together. Keep some positivity. Ward off the negativity.
All the best. And relax do not exaggerate. Everything will be OK.
Shaan
Brother thanks for sharing,
I think there are a lot of issues here,
I am going to talk on the illicit behaviors mentioned brother, because this is forum where Islam is discussed and given your story it is very relevant.
Starting with the ex girlfriend, you should leave alone the fantasy of what could have been, you don't know, since you were never married, these thoughts are inappropriate and from the shaytaan.
You describe your ex girlfriend as 'decent' and pious, yet I am unsure of what 'decent' or pious women continues to contact a married man/engaged man?
she definitely was overstepping her boundaries here, and her behaviour was anything but decent,
why would you be surprised when your wife acts in a volatile manner towards your ex girlfriend who insists on contacting you?
why were you not ashamed before your wife/fiance that an ex girlfriend was contacting you? you were the blameworthy one here brother, you should have told the Ex to do one, and to stop disrespecting you and your wife by making contact.
You said your ex is aware of what is lawful in regards to relationships with the opposite sex, if she really were 'pious' she would have utilized what she has learnt, sorry brother you seem to have rose tinted glasses on this women's behavior does not demonstrate piety.
In regards to the wife,
you should not just 'ignore' your wife's adultery, this is not fair on you brother and you need to protect yourself, and your honor, BUT you need to stop being lax in Allah's laws in order to have a leg to stand on,
you have explained that you are partial to free mixing with other people wives, and to conversing with other women, this needs to stop, it does not constitute a good Muslim husband, and its completely Haram, in order to be able to take action against your wife's adultery, you need to stop committing zina yourself,
Short of that brother, i'm sorry but you deserve each other.
If you read his post properly, you would know that he never told his girlfriend about meeting this new girl who is his wife now or getting engaged. His girlfriend never contacted him once she heard about the new girl, and left the country and this man.
Meetings with friends (both men and women) happens in secular world.
I know that I'm late in this response but in my opinion you did marry the wrong person. I strongly believe that you marry someone of good moral character. God provided mates for us but sometimes we marry the wrong person because we do have free will. This Hindu girl appears to have accepted Islam as part of her faith years ago and probably would have been more Muslim than your wife that came from a Muslim family but does not adhere to Islamic principles. I disagree with most of the comments here since the first Muslims in the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) time were once disbelievers thus the Hindu girl was on her way to adhering more to the imaan and converting just like the first Muslims. Honestly, as a servant of God you deserve better than the relationship you're in. Your son deserves to be raised with proper morals and character as well cuz he's innocent. Your parents forced you to marry someone who is clearly not a true believer and in marriage the spouse completes half of your Deen. For every action there are consequences. Do good and good will follow...do bad and bad will follow. We all have choices in this dunya and should strive to do good deeds. Personally if I were in your situation I would leave the marriage given the negative traits. Integrity and character counts a lot in one's imaan and that makes one a true believer.