I need advice on my dysfunctional marriage…
Assalaamu 'Alaikum
Hi everyone I am new to Islam by only a few months and recently I just got married to my husband of about a year.
Me and my Husband before we had gotten married have had a lot of problems in our relationship as far as infidelity from both of us. Although mine wasn't as severe as his - I talked to people, while he had sexual relations with people. He says he only did it because he felt that I was doing the same thing.
I've told him more about my past than anyone I know but half of my past that he does know he "found out" about then I just told him the rest... I've told him stuff I am so ashamed of, that I know I shouldn't have told him but he forced me to, saying that he needed to know everything about my past.
He has blamed me for sleeping with people even though I haven't and tried to force me to say I was sleeping with people. After that he tried to get family members to attack me but they didn't and ever since then me and his family haven't gotten along. I haven't even met his mother because he says that she won't let me in her house with my hijab on. She is a church-going person so I can but can't understand that, but the more I mention it to him the more he gets mad.
Now we are at a point where neither one of us trusts each other and I can trust him to certain extent but he cannot trust me unless I'm with him physically. I feel like he watches me and I can't even go into my phone without him just staring. I do the same thing to him only because he still has the contacts of his "ex's" stored into his phone but forced me to delete every number of a guy that I've had in my phone unless it was family.
I don't have friends anymore or anyone I can talk to and when I do want to hang out he'll want to be on the phone the whole time and thats awkward to me. So now I just sit in the house until he comes and picks me up to take a ride around the the city and nearly half that time we are arguing because he has had his phone in silent mode and I've called him over 10 times...
I suffer from depression, anger problems so I do have a lot of outburst on him and sometimes I do complain only about things that I know he can change. But when I do he's just like it's always something I don't do and that makes me feel bad.
What's bad now is I think we are expecting and I don't want to have a child right now. I'm young and in college but I don't know if we should have one because of how much we are going through and I don't want to him to get tired and leave me and I'll be a single mother. I would love to have a child but we aren't stable enough - sad to say in a marriage where I feel as though we'll even last.
I am a smart person with a strong personality and in a way I feel like I'm being treated wrong and I dont know if I still want this as much as I did - I fought for this relationship hard.... But I just need some kind of advice. I cry almost day and whenever I talk to him about this he never has a response and acts like he has an attitude when I open my mouth. Again sad to say I feel like he's controlling me and I dont have a right to defend myself without him saying "this is not Islam, that's not Islam". I'm new to Islam and I'm trying to learn everyday. I'm just terribly stressed and I don't know what to do.
sarah1007
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Salam sister welcome to islam 🙂 is your husband Muslim too ?
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties your facing in your marriage but I can't help but say that their a result of wrong doing by both yourself and your husband. There is never an excuse for infidelity, and it shatters a relationship by destroying the trust and respect between the couple.
Having said that if you want your marriage to work then you both will have to put a lot of work and effort into it. It'll be a long journey which will require tonnes of patience. First thing would be to develop your relstionhip with each other, perhaps start off by having a nice long hearty chat with your husband and express your regret for past mistakes, hopefully he will acknowledge his too. Make it clear that you want the marriage to work and are willing to put the effort into it, but for it to work he must also have similar feelings and motivation.
Both of you need to change your numbers, and stop any kind of communication with ex's!!! Delete their numbers completely. You need to rebuild that trust by giving open access to your email accounts, phones etc etc. Communicate to each other about things that are going well in the relationship and things that you would like to improve on.
Furthermore I think counselling will definitely help to aid the process. Couples counselling as well as individual counselling to help you overcome your depression and emotional outbursts.
If you are both Muslim which you should be (Muslim women can only marry Muslim men) then pray together, pray for yourself and for each other. Be mindful of Allah, repent for the past and look for ways to move forward.
I think the fact that you may be bringing a new life into the world is great motivation both for u and ur husband. You would want your child to grow up in a loving caring environment.
Anyway, hope this helps and may Allah swt bless your marriage and protect you both from satan. Ameen.
asalam alikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh..
dear sister, i really do not know what advice to give as i am pretty much in the same boat as you, but for a decade of this now. well, not with the ex-lovers,but really, i don't know for sure. all i can say is this from my own experience. if you don't like how you are treated, remember this is your number 1 right is to be treated kindly or released kindly. i'm really trying to follow my own advice that being Muslim doesn't mean you have start taking crap especially from other Muslims, even your husband. and trust me, i know if you go talk about this to the ulama, that their only advice is for the wife to be patient, not to investigate the situation and then force the husband to put up or shut up. because it is not fair to play with sister's lives like that. first ask yourself these things....is my husband even trying to make an effort, does he pray, does he go to masjid ever other than seeking financial assistance. look at all the qualities about your husband, does he provide for you properly. part of your maintenance is for husband to make sure you learn for yourself about this Deen. if he is sincerely trying, you will know by his actions. if not, then you don't have to waste you life and youth on him. if he is trying and you want to give him a chance you should, if not, you don't have to deal with this treatment. the best defense for you is to arm yourself with knowledge and know your rights, but if he's not being forthcoming to make sure you know your own rights in Islam, then he may not be the one. i mean a good muslim man will make sure you know about Islam and especially your rights, even if Islam is speaking against him about it, he will want you to be aware of every Islam knowledge you can get and he wouldn't just be telling you that you don't know about Islam when you try to defend yourself. i'm not saying leave or stay that is solely your decision, just like for me. i'm just saying if you choose to stay with a husband who's not good for your deen, you need to arm yourself with knowledge. but whatever you do, hold on to Allah. i promise you, if you sit back and be patient and ask from Allah, He will make a way for you...a way to out or a way to stay. inshaAllah, you will be in my duas. may Allah make it easy for you, sweetheart. ameen.
salam sis, i really feel for u, u need to add up extra wheel to overcome d situation. All u need is to read much and research on ur religion, islam is a religion that covers all aspect of life. U'll find solution along d way.. And u need to be havn time for dua. It really helps. May Allah be with u.. And make ur husband understandable.
Please do not abort your child. Your child isn't the blame here. You and your husband is. One advise i can give you is either work on rebuilding your marriage or go your separate ways. Your child you both created doesn't need to be brought up in an unstable home it needs love, guidance and support. Whatever you do keep your baby you are blessed within time you will see this inshAllah.
Dear sister,
I am almost with the same situation as yours and what I am just doing is praying and making dua hoping that everything will change, divorce is permissible to Islam if it is the only thing that left to do and if it will both make you a good person but as much as you can just try to fix your relationship..