I want him to change
"he smokes, drinks and goes out clubbing..."
Question:
Asalam Alaikum,
I wanted to ask you about a personal problem that i have. I am a 23 year old girl and needed advice on marriage. I have known a boy for about 3 years and we wanted to get married. (we didn't meet and do haraam things, but only spoke on the phone, to get to know each other). I also know his family and they know that he wants to get married to me.
But he smokes, drinks and goes out clubbing and I don't. I do love him and want to be with him, however I want him to change. When i told him that i wasn’t happy with it, he said that this is him, which means that i should accept him the way he is. I believe that he loves me too and wants to be with me, but he is stubborn and feels ashamed to do as I say.
I sometimes think that someone has done witchcraft on us, because there are many people outside of our families that don't want us to be together, because they are jealous. So I don't know what to do. I have also rejected many proposals because I want to be with him. I pray for him so Allah shows him the right way, and takes Shaytaan away from him, and I pray he changes so we can be together.
I don’t know if Allah is angry with me. I will be grateful for your help. Please remember me in your duahs.
Thank you and Regards
- Jamila
Sister Z's Answer:
Walaikumsalaam Jamila,
Sister, you can't make anyone change. If you want a married life with Islam as its focal point, it seems you have chosen the wrong person. You can't pick the bad apple and expect it to be good for you. And if you do expect it to be good for you, you're living in delusion.
This guy has made it clear to you that he doesnt want to change. If he's too 'ashamed' to do as you say; that says alot about his personality. He's quite clearly lead by his pride and ego, and taking good advice from a woman is below him.
I am not saying this person is 'bad', but from what you say, his priorities are not driven by Islam and he is induling in things that lead only to destruction.
Your query is the age old one where you think you're 'in love', but you want to change the guy as deep down you know that he's not quite marriage material - but you still want to marry him. What is your idea of 'love'? What do you love about this guy? It seems that what you feel for him is more of a habit of being with him and receiving his attention. Ask yourself what positive contribution he has made to your life? Do you love your deen? Will he be the type of husband who will share your learning and developing in deen, or will he just tell you that he loves you for your deen and leaves you to get on with it while he goes out clubbing etc?
I suppose firstly you need to ask yourself what your priorities in life are?
Secondly, I suggest you give him a final ultimatum, tell him what is important to you in a husband and that there are some things with which you will not compromise.
If he doesnt show any willingness to change positively - then its up to you to choose what type of life you want to lead.
If he does show willingness to change, the sensible thing would be for you to take some time out to see if he really does change or not.
As for the 'Witchcraft' - sister come on. You said 'there are many people outside of our families that don't want us to be together, because they are jealous'. This is hardly reason for you to think witchcraft has been done on him.
Of course you can do dua to Allah, but that does not mean you will get what you want. This is because Allah knows what is best for you sister.
Sister - you are young and besotted with a guy whom you think you are in love with. You want him to change - this is your indirect admittance that he is not really marriage material. Be strong and listen to your instincts. Stick to your five daily salaah and learn about the traits of Muhammed (saw). Check out my comments on the following question (click on the link and scroll down), there is some detailed information about the character of our beloved Prophet(saw). He was truly a person to be loved...
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/teased-because-i-have-a-girly-personality/
And remember, we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves.
Sister Z
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Walaikumsalaam Jamila,
Sister, you can't make anyone change. If you want a married life with Islam as its focal point, it seems you have chosen the wrong person. You can't pick the bad apple and expect it to be good for you. And if you do expect it to be good for you, you're living in delusion.
This guy has made it clear to you that he doesnt want to change. If he's too 'ashamed' to do as you say; that says alot about his personality. He's quite clearly lead by his pride and ego, and taking good advice from a woman is below him.
I am not saying this person is 'bad', but from what you say, his priorities are not driven by Islam and he is induling in things that lead only to destruction.
Your query is the age old one where you think you're 'in love', but you want to change the guy as deep down you know that he's not quite marriage material - but you still want to marry him. What is your idea of 'love'? What do you love about this guy? It seems that what you feel for him is more of a habit of being with him and receiving his attention. Ask yourself what positive contribution he has made to your life? Do you love your deen? Will he be the type of husband who will share your learning and developing in deen, or will he just tell you that he loves you for your deen and leaves you to get on with it while he goes out clubbing etc?
I suppose firstly you need to ask yourself what your priorities in life are?
Secondly, I suggest you give him a final ultimatum, tell him what is important to you in a husband and that there are some things with which you will not compromise.
If he doesnt show any willingness to change positively - then its up to you to choose what type of life you want to lead.
If he does show willingness to change, the sensible thing would be for you to take some time out to see if he really does change or not.
As for the 'Witchcraft' - sister come on. You said 'there are many people outside of our families that don't want us to be together, because they are jealous'. This is hardly reason for you to think witchcraft has been done on him.
Of course you can do dua to Allah, but that does not mean you will get what you want. This is because Allah knows what is best for you sister.
Sister - you are young and besotted with a guy whom you think you are in love with. You want him to change - this is your indirect admittance that he is not really marriage material. Be strong and listen to your instincts. Stick to your five daily salaah and learn about the traits of Muhammed (saw). Check out my comments on the following question, there is some detailed information about the character of our beloved Prophet(saw). He was truly a person to be loved...
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/teased-because-i-have-a-girly-personality/
And remember, we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves.
Assalamualaikum,
What Sister Z said was true...i suffered the same..trying to change the bad habit of my "husband" (already)...
Since you are not married yet, try to think of it...the one who will change is because he is afraid of his deen and not because of anybody else..even you...how much you nag him about this,,,maybe it will not be way as u want it to be...
most of the time we are deceived by what we so called "LOVE"....sometimes we love the person and we will accept whatever he may be..and we will be regreting at the end...
as for my experience...make istikhara and ask ALLAH what is best for you and for him...we may not have what we want, because sometimes ALLAH is not giving us what we want,,,because he had somthing in stored for us..here... or in the hereafter... LOVE IS DECEIVING..be wise..coz you will be the one will bear the consequences after..as what is happening to me now...i'm into this marriage thing already with all the vices my husband have excluding drinking alcohol only....and Sister Z told me also before that you cannot change any person......
Let him find his way....and ask Allah to give both of you the wisdom.
the WORLD IS DECEIVING...shaytan he explored a lot of haram things in this world...because he knows his time is coming...and he wants all of us to be with him......
just pray that he will inshaallah leave these things...and ask repentance...
for Allah is the Most Giving..Most Merciful...
masalam
All people change over time - some for the good and some for the bad. But really, as you are approaching marriage and thinking of marriage...when you are that stage, there should be no problems.
Problems are thinks that arise through no fault of our own and that we have to find a way to cope with - not something we contemplate marrying and bringing into our future.
Release yourself from this burden,
Peace,
Leyla
All people change over time - some for the good and some for the bad. But really, as you are approaching marriage and thinking of marriage...when you are that stage, there should be no problems.
Problems are things that arise through no fault of our own and that we have to find a way to cope with - not something we contemplate marrying and bringing into our future.
Release yourself from this burden,
Peace,
Leyla
ok girl, you not married yet, and you already fighting so much! the future is worse! don't marry this guy!
Sister u shouldn't of gotten involved with a man that does such hideous acts, drinking, smoking, clubbing!!! What next, sleeping with another grl while he's drunk! And later say he's sorry. If he haven't done so already. And u will pray to Allah to forgive him for tat too and set him to a rite path. He should b praying for himself. Clearly he doesn't care. U should b smart and let him go. fnd someone else, u fell for tis guy, fall for someone tat deserves u.