I want to marry my girlfriend, but my father made me promise not to speak with her
I swore on the Quran... what happens if I break my promise?
Salaam alaikum,
I'm a sunni muslim 16 years old, I have a girlfriend who is 18(Shia), my father caught me chatting with her and made me promise on Quran that I will not do it again as it includes in Zinah. I love her a lot, I want to marry her in the near future. What happens if I break the promise? Can I compromise..I mean keep 3 fasts and give charity ? Will I be still punished if I break it after marrying her ?? I would love to settle down with her asap and turn her into sunni too. But I don't know what to do right now. Please help me out.
Thanks and Regards
Allah hafiz.
islammylife
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Salaams,
I generally don't agree with someone coercing another to make oaths to Allah or swear on Quran that they will or will not do something. Oaths such as those are very serious, and humans are weak and can easily break them. They should never be forced on someone else.
That being said, you are still a young man in your father's home. Whether you swore or not, you must obey his directive to cease contact with her. When you are older and out on your own, you can make your own choices for which you will be responsible. I don't suggest looking at it like a "compromise", as that's a mindset that will lead one to justify many sinful behaviors. Expiations such as the one you are referencing were strictly given for people to have a way to repent of a sincere mistake, not as a loophole to fulfill one's nafsani desires. It's not worth risking the punishment, so the best thing to do is to stick to what's right and follow what your father has asked of you.
By the way, it's not wise to assume you can change someone from one belief to another and make that a justification in pursuing marriage. Choosing a spouse should always be based on whether you can accept the person as the are now, not how you might like them to be IF they change.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikam
Pre-marital relationships such as boyfriend-girlfriend relationships aren't considered acceptable in Islam; we are warned not to approach zina. So, your father's view that you should not be engaging in such a relationship is entirely sensible and appropriate - it is his responsibility to ensure his children are guided to stay on the straight path. Right now it may well feel like things are being horrendously unfair, but when you look back at this, inshaAllah you will appreciate and be grateful for his actions - one day, inshaAllah, you may be a father yourself, and then have the responsibility of keeping your own children on the straight path.
When thinking about marriage, we are told to prioritise deen and character. If you feel that you and the girl you like would be compatible spouses (not just liking/desiring each other, but in terms of values, priorities, goals, character), then you and your family could discuss this and consider whether it would be appropriate to approach her family with a marriage proposal. If you and she wish to marry, then it's important that this matter is approached in a halal way. If both families are in favour, then Alhamdulillah, the two of you can inshaAllah marry and have a halal relationship; if you are not able to marry (for example, if her wali declines the proposal), then you can be thankful that you have ended a haraam relationship and trust that Allah has a plan for you, that will be better for you in this life and the next.
Expiations such as fasting or giving to charity aren't a "Get out of jail free" card. We are all accountable for our actions, and a conscious decision to ignore Islamic guidance is very different from being unsuccessful in doing so despite our best efforts. No person alive today is perfect, and there will be times when we all fall short; Alhamdulillah Islam is the perfect religion, the perfect way of life, and guides us to what we should do in such circumstances.
You mention that you want to change the girl you like from Shia to Sunni. Don't enter into a relationship with the intention of changing someone - only marry someone who you can accept and live with as who they are, rather than who you want them to be.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Read carefully,
Well I insist be careful. She will not turn to be what you are thinking of her. I will not say anything in that regard. But I can say your falling in a trap of "no return".
Oh! Allaah! Save him!
Allaah Knows the Best!