I want to marry my online love?
Assalamu Alaikum,
I am 20 years old and passing my days in depression and fear nowadys. I am from bangladesh and last year i met a boy in facebook who is from india. We know each other for almost 1 year and we both love each other. I never wanted to be in relation because i always used to fear of the later consequence, because my dad will never accept my relation and it is haraam. I never used to talk to boys too before.
Suddenly, I dont know why and what happened to me that i started liking him. He loves me a lot and i think i can never get anyone who will love me like him. He accepted me with my every faults, i get angry so easily and trying to control insha Allah and for that we had many fights. But no matter how much i hurt him, he loves me and last day i found out that really he is the one for me.
I feel like Allah sent him for me. Once, when we were friends, he went away for a reason of him. I started feeling so low without him when i just know him for few days!!..i started praying to Allah to help me and either to bring him back or to make me forget that i had a friend. Later Alhamdulillah, Allah brought him back and i feel that he came back because Allah made him for me!!??? We met in an islamic page too so many thoughts together just killing me!!!
Everything was going good but for 2/3 months, I am just fearing about our future and the sins we have done. Thus, spending my days in tension. One of my friend asked me to break up because this is not good but i just was not able to think what should i do. Now, she is angry with me and does not even talk. I know she was right and feeling guilty of why I did not listen to her before. I fear that my parents will never agree, they are so strict and again we are from 2 different countries and met on internet. This is the main problem. So, I was telling him to end our relation here because if we stop here, we wont do those sins and my father will not agree, so it will be better to stop from now itself.
We both have done sins and both want to repent truly and asked for forgiveness from Allah but don't know how should we do? I told him many times about breaking up our relation. I broke too but again i could not go away from him. He also fears of the sins but not ready to leave. Previously, we used to skype but I asked him not to come because we are doing sins, now we do not see each other too just remain in contact through facebook and little on phone. We are just like normal friends now; did many sins before but Alhamdulillah by the grace of Allah, we stopped those. We dont want to do anymore sins but its not good to talk too, right??
NOW, my question is, can we be together but we will be like friends or we should end here?? And we have decided that,we will listen to our parents, will not go against them insha Allah and now will be just like friends. Can we do this or we should stop talking to each other? That would be very difficult for us. I dont know why feel like, if we break up then it will be like cheating with him because I loved him and now throwing him away. I also fear that later if i get married to some other person (insha Allah no) then what should I tell him? I can't hide my past and if I tell him, our marriage will be in danger.
Again, my boyfriend said, he will not marry anyone except me and I keep thinking about what will he do if I go away? I feel guilty for all of these. Now what should I do?? We are still studying, so he can't come with my proposal to my parents now. He will come in my country after 3 years insha Allah, will find a job here and then he will send proposal by his parents insha Allah.
Insha Allah my parents will agree, if they don't then also we will listen to our parents decision. This is what we have thought. So, what can we do now???? Again, I promised him that no matter what happens, even if we can not get married, I will be always with him as a friend. But, if we break up, after that it will be very difficult for us to stay as friends because our feelings may become more stronger and again we can get in relation. And if I had to marry another person (insha Allah never) because of my parents and then my husband does not let to be friend with him, then? If it happens then I cannot fulfill my promise as I will have to listen to my husband. What can I do now?
Should I offer istikhara prayer? I asked Allah in my prayers to give me some sign so that I can understand Allah's decision. Then I felt like I should end our relation here because of the above reasons and then again I felt like being with him and try at least. I can't understand what Allah wants. Many love marriages became successful too, ours can be too insha Allah, this is what we think. I'm really confused!! For these months, I keep thinking a about these all the time and become restless and if we break up then also, it will be the same.
I don't know what to do!!! Help me please!!
~Sanjida
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aslamualqium sister.,i think first you must tell him to come to your country and ask your parents for your hand .,& you must also try to tell your parents that you are friends & want to move ahead in your relation.,no matter he is from another country .,borders dont matter.,they are there just on maps & shouldnt exsist at all.,& if your parents pemitted you can be with him forever.,& if they dont then leave it upon Allah because whatever Allah does is for our good.,i hope inshallah your parents will agree.,
but sis,my dad is not that kind of person.If i tell dad,he will break every relation with me which i don't want. I can leave my boyfriend but not my parents. They believe me a lot,i am ashamed and cry when i think that i could do all these !!
Sister, it seems like the online guy is not ready to ask for your hand now, purly because he wants to get his studies out of his way and doesn't want any complication. Three years wait is a long wait!!! Please don't waste three years of your precious life/feelings with a non mahram and in Islam, the opposite genders are not allowed to be friends so let alone boyfriends and girlfriends. Premartial relationship is major sin in ISLAM. Sister, but if he is willing to marry you NOW then you both MUST involve your respected parents NOW. But if either of you fear involving your families, then my dear sister you need to break all contacts/communication with this guy by sending him one final message telling him you are breaking this unlaw transactions with him because it is a great SIN. Please do not contact me ever again. Most likely he may contact you again but you have to stay firm with your decision and never respond to him.
Sister you need to repent sincerely to Allah (swt) for your sins committed and NEVER go back to it again.
For now learn about Islam and the rulings of Islamic marriages. in this life get close to nothing but Allah (swt) and the sunnah of prophet Muhammed (saw). If you are not wearing hijab, then observ the beautiful hijab. look after your feminity side.
Furthermore, concentrate and complete your studies and inshaAllah earn a decent job for your own security in this life. For a couple of years take break from social networking- msn, yahoo msnger, facebook, basically whatever mode that breaks your contact with this online guy. If the guy tries to come back to you then you will just have to avoid/ignore him. This is indeed going to be a difficult task for you but this is one of the things you have to do to protect your FAITH in Allah (swt). Become friends with good practising Muslimahs. Start to attend Islamic circles, this will not only benefit you now but also inshaAllah, your future children.
may Allah (swt) guide you to the straight path- aameen.
You sister,
Parveen
i wear hijab and don't talk with boys too...just sometimes when i meet cousins,i have to..after coming in facebook,everything changed...I am thinkng of not talking to boys in facebook insha Allah...and sis,when i posted this question,that time situation was different...now my boyfriend doesn't love me at all..i never thought this person can change this much!! he keeps avoiding me now...when i asked him,he said if we can't be together later than i will break down,so he is making me strong in this way???!!! i have completely understood that he doesn't love me,don't want to be with me so may be he is trying to move on but not telling me!! i told him to tl me his final decision soon..I asked him if he can wait for me for three years without contacting me...he did't tell anything and said he'll think on that and tell me...i am afraid sis that he will tell no,how will i control myself i don't know..I am staying in hostel so feel very lonely,no one is here.How can i bear all these being alone.Tell me what should i do!! and if he says that he will wait for me and come after three years,than should i believe him?? because he doesn't love me now...
another thing which is troubling me is that i PROMISED him that no matter what happens,i will always be his friend...but howz that possible now?if he leave me and still we keep sending messages i can never forget him..and after my marriage my husband will never allow..i want to follow islamic way of life from now on totally insha Allah,so for that i can't contact him because he is a boy...what about my Promise then?? i can't break promise too and don't want to keep contact with him too..What should i do now??Will Allah forgive for breaking promise?can promise be taken back? and if promise gets broken then what should people do??
i have faith in Allah insha Allah..i know HIS plans are best for me..i try to be strong and not cry..but this thoughts always keep coming in my mind and i am alone...What prayers and duas should i read daily to become a good muslim and to gain Allah's pleasure and so that Allah forgives me??
aslamualiqum sister.,well i think u must forget that boy & move ahead in life ., in life because in life you can get any good boy but you wont get ua parents again.,& well wen the guy has changed ,.so how can u trust him .,?& yah u have promised to be his frend .,so u can be .,...but just tell me r frends only those with whom u talk ???cant u be frend of sm1 by heart ., care for ua frend .,pray for him butt onli & onli as a frend & yah dont talk 2 him .,trust on ua fate & be simply on reserve for the one who deserves u ., i hope i have answered sm of ua questions ., if there wil be sm more feel free 2 ask .,i will always feel pleasured 2 help u .,& yes dont feel alone because Allah is always dere .,share ua feelings .,thoughts with Allah .,Inshallah he will help u out.,
that question never came in my mind!!i used to think of how can i keep my promise of being a friend after getting away from him??yeah i know i have hurt him and he had too so many times but one thing is i can never hate him and yeah i do and will always pray for him in sha Allah..but sis, u r sure na if i just pray for him but don't talk to him,that will be ok ??i mean no breaking of promise,right??
you know what,he is not telling anything surely..he said he will wait too and will try his best to come for my hand but it does not seem that he loves me a bit..i asked him about this but he did not tell anything..i am confused..i am thinking of praying salatul istikhara soon to decide should i wait for him because he may change one day or should forget him totally..Do you think i can offer this prayer for this reason?
and thank you for your reply. :).i have never thought that we ca b friends in that way too..i will think in sha Allah and will do too in sha Allah...may ALLAH fulfill all your prayers and please pray for me too..
sister i am damm sure itz okk if u care for him by heart & dontt talk 2 him.,be friendz by heart not by talk.,if he truely does luv u den he wil ask for hand 2 ua parents but till den be on reserve & if u would be made for each other dan none can stop u from being his but i think itz better 2 leave it on fate .,..& trust Allah.,thnx & may Allah fulfil ua prayers & ua hearty desirs .,Ameen !!
hmm..thank you again..i don't have any contact with him now..but sis,i can pray to Allah na for him?what if Allah accepts my prayers?we should not be hopeless in any situation,right?we know that we should pray to Allah even if that seems impossible for us ( i am not talking about some strange and impossible stuffs).and our marriage is not impossible too,if Allah wants,it can happen and Allah can chnage his heart too,right? i am trying but can't remove him from my mind ...and i don't understand istikhara prayer.what if we get 2 different feelings 2 days??
As-Salamu 'Alaykum, Sanjida Apu! ... 🙂
Though this is a late response, if u r reading this, then know that i have a elder sister, who had a WORLD of problems regarding her Marriage. And the End turned out to be GOOD, she got Married, happily. She had the same problem of choice you're facing. And my Sister and Me, both, said the istikhara for her situation, Alhamdulillah. And you know, the answer somewhat came from the "Consequences" rather than a dream (that's also possible). So, don't frown if you are still confused.
My Sincere Advice (Plz read it completely):
(1) Have PURE HOPE IN ALLAH ALONE, that whatever will happen will bring the best results of your Life.
(2) Don't ever STOP making Du'a. That's your ONLY way out!
(3) You should be aware that in the state you are in, there's only TWO possible ways:
A. Marry Your BF: Here's some practical advice:
-First, Know What Marriage REALLY is: It’s not child play like chatting online! It’s one of the GREATEST RESPONSIBILITIES you will ever face. It’s a responsibility till your Death! Yes, I know what you feel right now…after marriage it’s gonna be so Awesome, you get to talk to him, share your feelings, he’ll be there every time you are in trouble and all … TRUST ME: There’s more than that in Marriage. You’ll not be with the same person you used to know (if you marry your BF). You’ll see a part of him that’s way out of your imagination right now! Here love itself is NEVER enough. The energetic love, you’re experiencing now, is merely a Piece of the Puzzle to lead you to the higher dimensions of Love. In Marriage, it’s all about Mercy, Self-Sacrifice, Unselfishness, Understanding, Patience, Perseverance, being Responsible, Having Fun (!) etc and of course, Love itself. It’s just totally another world. Not to forget, Quarrels are always there – even among the best couples. You should learn to overlook the quarrels and his mistakes/inabilities as petty issues. So, YOU really are making a HUGE decision while choosing the person you’ll be with. You’re going to decide your Partner in Jannah, sister! And only a very few people find such partners…May Allah (swt) make us among those, Ameen!
-What you should look for: A husband who is “intellectually mature” and very “responsible” and “caring” and “enough confident to take care of you and Love you for the rest of your lives”. He should be someone who has dedicated his life to Allah’s Pleasure. And he wants to marry you for Allah’s sake, not ONLY because he loves you and has a very good character etc.
-If you finally think (after making duas and salats) that your BF is the One, then:
>Try A PLOT: If you have siblings/goodfriends, then try to make them convince your parents (or your mom, at least) that you REALLY need to get married by using Plot some Tactical ways (e.g. EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, :D) to convince them like (your friend/sibling can say), " Aunty/Ammu, what has happened to Sanjida? She's always so quiet blah blah." [then your mom is tensed. she might start worrying about you, "how can we save her from this, blah blah"] and then that friend says"I think you should marry her off!" [Your mom becomes silent/she thinks positive 🙂 inshaAllah!] then "I think you should ask her if she likes someone or not?" - You get it, right? A plot. This was just a dummy plot. You should think through your parents’ thoughts and situations and accordingly think of something. You should take help from at least ONE person in your family (good friends=family too). You shouldn't face this all by yourself! JUST TRY YOUR BEST TO GET MARRIED TO HIM. DON'T FORGET, ALLAH'S HELP IS NEAR THE CORNER. [NB: If your Dad is too strict then try very Hard to convince your mother about this. She’s the most trustworthy ladder to your Dad]
-More advice pending 🙂 … sorry! However I’ll try my best to get better solutions, InshaAllah!
B. Marry Someone Else and Cut Off ALL RELATIONS with your BF:
-But if you think your BF is not the right one and by chance you get married to someone else, then NEVER TELL YOUR NEW HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR (DARK) PAST SECRETS, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, NEVER DISCLOSE THESE THINGS...PLEASE! JUST DIGEST YOUR PAST! It will turn out HORRIBLE (illaa MashaAllah), I’m warning you!
-Once you set your life with the New Person, from then, that person “Deserves Everything From You” as your husband. It becomes your Religious Duty to literally LOVE him. At that point your BF DESERVES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from you. No “Friendly” love – Nothing. He’s your past and your Husband is your Present and Future. So, be careful. Don’t follow the tricks of Shaytan like, “O, we r just friends, nothing that bad” or anything. If you keep your relation with your BF at that point, bugs like “Suspicion”, “Mistrust”, “Dangerous Quarrels”, “Unrest”, “No Peace!” will start haunting your Life and Afterlife! It’s a complete chaos and full of misery and depression. So, sister, build up your mind that way! Don’t play with your life anymore, behave like an adult and think like one and dedicate your daily actions and decisions to Allah’s Pleasure.
By the way, DON'T forget advice no. 1 and 2, those are the MOST IMPORTANT ONES.
And Allah Knows Best.
In the End, it’s all upon Allah’s Decision, have full faith in Him. He IS the power of our Faith, Confidence and Courage. He IS the Reason for which I am writing this.
Was-Salam
Raufoon, your comment is good but I removed your email address. Please do not post your personal contact info on this forum, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister sanjida,
I know this is kind of old posts and I am sure you moved your life in right path and made some good decision. Hope you doing well sister. I was born in Canada but my parents are from Bangladesh so in one sence I am also from bd.
Please please please for sake if yourself do not get involve in internet relation please do not trust them.
I hope you not waiting for this person. If no then alhumdullilah move your life get married tell your parents to find partner for you the way you explained your father I think he will find perfect partner for you. And if your answer is yes then I will suggest you to break up and move forward. He said he will com to bd and look for job??? It is very high risk because your parents or you won't be able to find what he did in his country! It dose not mean all are same but now days it's common sister.
Sister "trust" or "marriage" or "promises" all are these is like fragile, you need to handle it carefully once it broken it's not possible to make is like before you can join but it won't be strong like before. 🙂