Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was raped as a child, so am not a virgin. Which Muslim man will ever want to marry me?

depression

I am a muslim girl. Today I am 25. I have lost my virginity when I was a kid because I got raped but nobody knows that. I got a boyfriend who used me and no body will believe if I tell them how that man used me because I was stupid. I believed him, I know everything is my fault.

I was in relation with my boyfriend. I was not in love with him. I just felt sorry for him because he liked me, so I wanted to make him happy by being with him. But I felt disgusting and kept everything in myself, because whole life I felt that no body cared for me so I wanted to care for someone. I felt like nobody in my life will want me so I gave myself, being used. I know it is wrong.....what to do?

But I feel like no man will accept me because I don't have my virginity and that feeling that girls feel when they lose their virginity. I really miss that. I never got that feeling, during my childhood I was thinking that I will nevet get marry because I was not virgin.  Whole my life that is issue following me. I tried to commit suicide but I was not so strong to kill myself. What to do people any solution.

I can't get over it, I study hard keep myself busy. I try to never lie. I have even thought to get an operation to restore my hymen so I can get that feeling being clean or something I did not did that, it is just mentally satisfaction. I was thinking of telling me people what is to do. I afraid tooo much. Just help and say something, thanks for your time.

I really have to die. I always pray that to Allah since I was kid but inside I want to live and have a life with and be happy. But I feel like I don't have right to live...what should I do?

~ hadija_1234


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68 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,

    Why you saying it's rape? You gave yourself to him right? Then I don't think it call rape! Anyways you did wrong repent to Allah make tawba and start pray read quaran read hadits. Ramadan is coming get yourself ready to perform lots of dua and pray to Allah.

    • Nrh

      Read thé post again. Thé sister saïd she was raped in childhood.

      SisterZ

      • SisterZ. Yes I did read her post again but she said her bf used her isn't that mean she did with her bf? And said she let her use him .Sorry if I am missing any point. Sorry for my comment then.

        • Nrh,

          I've just ré read thé post and I think you may be right. Its not clear if the sister was raped in childhood and then had a boyfriend, or if the sister believes her bf raped her, even though she gavé herself to him. If its the latter, that is not rape.

          SisterZ
          Islamicanswers.com Editor

          • Assalamoalikum
            Sister Z
            I want to marry Khadija,If she is still unmarried.
            If you can provide me her e.mail address or other contact information I shall be very thankful.
            If this is not possible send my e.mail address to her.
            Dr Zubair Khan
            Age 29 Years

          • zubair, We are not a matchmaking service, and we do not allow exchange of private contact information, sorry.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Dear Sister,

        If you were raped when you were a kid then you were innocent and there is no sin on your part. You and me and all of us must make tawbah for sins committed after reaching adulthood. After tawbah you are then pure in the eyes of Allah and that's most important. Do not worry about your broken hymen. If it broke cuz you were raped as a child or after you became an adult, it is as good as it broke during an accident and that's common. Do not listen to the whispers of shaitan and attempt suicide or even think of it for fear that you will not enter jannat. Life in this world is temporary and is extremely short. Make good deeds and aim to enter jannat. Do not fear people more than you fear Allah. Take care sister.

        • Dear Brother ,

          just a general question you talked about adulthood in your comment , when would you consider someone to be an adult ?

          Thanks for your time

          • @mimi1698 over 18 years old is when someone is an adult

          • Islam teaches that female puberty begins when the menses is started. From Bukhari, volume 3, Book of Witnesses, chapter 18, page 513: "The boy attaining the age of puberty and the validity of their witness and the Statement of Allah: "And when the children among you attain the age of puberty, then let them also ask for permission (to enter)." Quran 24:59. I think then you consider as adult.

    • She was raped as a child,then later she got a boyfriend, got that??

    • When ever I read a judgmental response I always wonder when Allah appointed them to sit at his side to judge,just curious

  2. Sister,
    Please don't ever think of killing yourself, it is one of the far greater sins. ((Indeed, whoever (intentionally) kills himself, then certainly he will be punished in the Fire of Hell, wherein he shall dwell forever)), [Bukhaaree (5778) and Muslim (109 and 110)].
    Asides from that why do u feel tha no man would marry you ? Trust me, there are tons of men like me who wold want a sincere devoted wife~ but we don't alwayalways what we want right.life is a beautiful thing don't thnk of givingt up
    An extra day alive is that much longer to work good deeds to distance oneself from the eternal torment of Hell-fire and a golden opportunity to win a better place in Paradise. 
    And if r worried about marriage then rest be assured there are tons of brothers out there who would not think twice about this topic

    Now smile:)

  3. salam sister keep your self faith in allah, don't say that you don't have the right to live because that is part of your destiny, a challenge for you to be more stronger in faith, there is more worse than what you have experience, there is a big chance for you to make repent, allah knows best...

  4. My dear sister,

    Please never consider suicide it is a far greater sin. Life is a test, it will not be easy , perfect or smooth but we must try our best never less.
    Yes you committed a sin, yes you did something wrong, but don't we all? Forgive yourself repent ask god for forgiveness forget about it past is past you cant change it so move on , learn from your mistakes and forget. Like brother Amir said , not all brothers will be focusing on virginity , if you are a good pure Muslim women in your soul then ALLAH will guide you to someone who deserves you. You are living for a reason don't destroy your life over a stupid teenage/kid mistake. Please take care of yourself

    Lots of love,
    your sister

  5. Sister hadija,

    It is NOT true that no man would ever want you! A real man is compassionate, understanding, and a slave of Allah. He trusts in Allah to find the right wife for him. He will value his wife and her heart more than money or gold or power, because she is a blessing that Allah has granted him.

    Do not despair! Allah has a plan for you. It will include such a man. He will seek and follow His will. This man is doing this now, on his path to Jannah.

    You also need to do your part. Seek and follow His will. Pray. Pray again. Allah will bring you together according to His plan at the time and in the manner of His choosing. Be ready. Be pious. Keep on the halaal path. Use all of the gifts and blessings Allah has granted you to their fullest.

    AmericanMuslim
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. sallam

    my story is the saem as yours exactly! one thing which i dont agree with is you said that your not strong enough to kill yourslef. sister your strong that why you didnt kill yourself! one thing that gets me through the hard days is the though that if no ones loves me and i dont even love myself that God loves me! its really hard to love yourself after what you went through! but you need to know that God created you! you came on the earth alone and you will leave alone! you dont need to marry till your ready and when its your time God will make things easy for you inshallah.

    I know its hard going through what you went through! thinkin your nothing, you dont have a soul, no one lvoes you and you dont have value! i think these thing about myself alot! however you know these moments do pass and i think, If im not important and im not valuble then why am i on this planet? why on the Day pof judgement i will have to answer for myself, why are all my deeds being recorded? in itself isnt that prrof your important! you are important!!!

    inshallah things will be easier for you !!

    Allah hafiz

  7. Sister hadija, we need you to clarify some things for us. Are these two separate incidents or time frames you are talking about? You were raped as a child, and then later you had a boyfriend?

    Or are you saying that the sex you had with your boyfriend was the equivalent of rape? Or that your boyfriend raped you?

    No matter what, you must know that Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. Repent to him and He will forgive you. Do your salat, fast in Ramadan, follow all the teachings of Islam, and do not repeat the past behavior with your boyfriend.

    Forget about these thoughts of death. That is not the way of Islam. The way of Islam is tawbah, and life. We Muslims choose to live and to do good deeds in order to make up for the wrong we did. That is the way to Jannah.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. dear sister,

    there r lots of women who lose their virginity to rape ,therefore i would advise u to go ahead and do the surgery to make u a virgin again and do not feel guilty! THEN GET MARRIED!

  9. sister u said that u was raped but u r post says that u gave up to u r boyfriend sister dont think about hymen if u were raped then i will b the frist person to marry u bcoz its not u r fault i being muslim obeys allah its not u r fault of being raped but u told that u gave up to u r boyfriend then u r right no muslim men whats his wife who had already sex with some one with her wish

    • Brother Mohammad Imran,

      Saying "no Nuslim man wants a woman who had already sex with some one" is not true. We are all slaves of Allah, and if it is His will that two be married, then is will happen. Is she repents, resolves not to repeat, Allah will make it as if she never did it.

      American Muslim
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I agree with American Muslim , your comment was a little harsh. Everyone makes mistakes , its human nature just because a women has had sex before marriage doesn't mean that no Muslim man will want to marry her, as long as she repents and never repeats it , then it becomes part of her past. You dont judge people by their bodies and past mistakes but by the person they are now.

      Wasalam

  10. Dear Beautiful Sister,
    You've lied to us that you aren't strong. YOU ARE STRONG, Wallahi your post brought me to tears. I've never been raped, but before I reverted to Islam, I had a boyfriend. I let him kiss me and touch me, but I refused to let him have sex with me becoz I was afraid of sex, he tried to force me but I refused to let him even touch me. Because of that, he dumped me. Wallahi I felt so dirty and useless, I got depressed, I wanted to commit suicide but I didn't, becoz Allah has made me strong. So Allah led me to Islam. I reverted on 18th July last year, and I've never looked back. I'm new today. And so are you My dear. Many men do not understand the damage they cause when they rape women or girls. You were raped, so you still had your virginity. It cannot be taken away from you by force, u have to give it away. My dear, virginity is not just the hymen. It is purity and innocence. The hymen is just a protective membrane. Sometimes, esp. Here in Africa we break the hymen when we act like tomboys by climbing trees and riding bycicles for exercise. It doesn't mean we broke our virginity!! When you gave yourself to your boyfriend, you did it because you loved him for loving you. You felt it was the only way to thank him for loving you when others didn't. But forgive yourself, you did it out of pain. I've sometimes felt that, I know. And forgive all these people here, judging you, they have no right, and you don't deserve it. I'm proud of you for letting it out dear siz. Its the 1st step towards healing. If you can, seek counselling from a proffessional. They don't judge, they are not like the rest of us. Judging will only make you feel worse. Seek Allah's grace, love and forgiveness. Forget that boyfriend who was taking advantage of your pain. Beautify yourself with Fear of Allah, hijab, grace and Taqwa. You are important, thats why we are spending precious time, words, emotions and money commenting on your post. Even those who are harsh are doing it out of hidden love 4 a Muslim siz, so that u won't go wrong again. Allah will give you a loving husband if you trust in Him and do what is right. You are an inspiration, a Queen of Islam, so tell suicide to go 2 hell, coz the world needs you. If u ever need to talk, just to vent it out, Allah is there. Cry, Shout, scream, or just sigh. Allah knows it all.
    May Allah make you stronger and bless you siz.
    I don't know you but I love you for Allah's sake.
    Allah Hafiz!

    • thank you very much for reply...every ur word made me cry...i wish everything was like u said...may allah be with u make u succesfull in ur life....stay safe and happy...i love u too and may allah remebers u my friend....

  11. thank you very much for answearing my question and story...every ur single word my sister and brother i remember may allah remembers u and forgive ur sins...wish u all to get an easy and happy life....
    ws.

  12. As salam alaikee My Sister in Islam, May Allah heal you from the mental scars of rape. There are many things that happen to the body and mind due to rape at any age but especially when you are young and if it is not handled correctly.

    Sister what happen to you with the BF is common. When a person has experienced a tramatic event in their life, they often go to extreme lengths to help and protect others from having the same feelings of hurt and rejection and sometimes they will sacrfice themselves. This can be a big tool for Shaytain. He will use 80 doors of good to bring you to one door of haraam.

    Due to the mental changes that happens to a person (women or man) when they have been raped or even experience molestations or even sexulazation through the media(such as in the west) it alters ones ability to make the best choice concerning their body and relationships.

    Scholars of Islam are well aware of this condition and so are doctors. Do not feel ashamed to speak with a scholar to help releave yourself from the guilt of what the rapist did to you. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT and do not ever let Shatian whisper to you to make you believe it was. Shaitian will tell you that you are not worthy of love from any man or from Allah .... it's just a trick! Shaitian will whisper word that make you feel like you are not loved until you reach for anyone to hold you and comfort you even if you know in your heart they do not love you. Please know it is a trick.

    Sister, please make much dhikr, recite the last 3 surah of the quran and ayatul Kursi every day. This will help keep shatain away and the sad and lonely feelings. make the dua'a before leaving the house and shaytian can not touch to you outside of your home. If you have the need to help others volunteer as a charity and work children like orphans who need lots of love and some one to care for them. Think about those who have less then you. Let your bad experience bring you many blessings.

    Sister, be patient you will find the right person for you and he will be understanding but be careful that you do not look for a man who is weak or wants to come to you without a wali or mahram there will never be any good from that. By the way there are plenty of men who marry you just trust in Allah

  13. sister take care of your self and make tawakkal with allah subhanotaala and read hikayat of our sahabiat

  14. @Amna, please do not share your that kind of things. ask help from ALLAH. its much better if any sin remains secret between you and ALLAH. do not spread it. ALLAH will help you.

    regards,
    shoaib

  15. I want to thank u all one more time....i do tawbah...isnahllah i will get stronger and i will be able to move.................u sister ...... first of all do tawbah and as u did not know about those stuff allah will forgive u....but if ur husband have to see ur virginity as other people say me go and make operation...i dont know i think i will might do it too if i got chance and i will never ever tell about my past to anybody.....

    • Do not do the operation. It should not be allowed because its decieving someone. you havent answered and ignored brother wael' question:

      Sister hadija, we need you to clarify some things for us. Are these two separate incidents or time frames you are talking about? You were raped as a child, and then later you had a boyfriend?Or are you saying that the sex you had with your boyfriend was the equivalent of rape? Or that your boyfriend raped you?

  16. Dear sister, Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. You have had a very bad and unfortunate experience. You were raped, that was no fault of yours. if you committed the sin of having a non marital sexual relationship sincerely repent to Allah. He is the most forgiving. Do not despair. keep up with your fard ibaadaat and beg for his mercy and ask him to make your future better and bright. Remember, despair and suicide are totally haraam in islam. Have faith in the almighty and he will make things better for you. Remember, after every hardship,there is ease. You must be patient and dont let shaitaan drive you away from the almighty. Also, when a muslim man marries a woman, as long as she is not unfaithfull after marrying him, in islam, he has no right to question her past because many people have a past. Also, please take councelling as I feel it will help you to banish your demons to some extent. May Allah bless you with every happiness for the reast of your life and may he resolve all of your problems. Ameen.

  17. Assalam Alkum,

    My friend just confessed that he was molested as a child by a driver, he fears that he will go to Jehanam because of him not fending off the man (he said he trusted the person more then his father, and that he was sodomized by finger), the man told him that he needs to sodomize him for medical reasons.

    What is you're take on this. Thank you

    I think it isn't haram, may Allah help him.

    • Ahmed, your friend was a victim and is innocent. He did not commit any sin and he has nothing to fear. It is the one who victimized him who is responsible and committed a grave sin.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalamo alikum

        I am in desperate need of authentic advice i have left a post of a seperate question but it hasnt been published yet .
        My question is that how can i get rid of thoughts of my past relationship as it was my first one and i had a lot of pleasurable moments.
        my family wants me to get married to someone else but i think i would be cheating if i still have the thoughts of my pas relationship plz plz plz do guide me as i dont have much ti,me should i refuse to marry or should i keep suffering all my life ???

        thanks

        • Archees, wa alaykum as-salam. I don't see any post under this username or email address. In any case, I'll give you a brief answer here. If you are madly in love with someone else, that's one thing. If that's the case, then you should not get married yet, as if would not be fair to any woman. The intensity of feeling will not last forever, don't worry. Get involved in other activities: go to the masjid, spend time with your friends, practice a sport, study, work... in time the feelings will fade and you will be ready for marriage. On the other hand, if it's only a case of remembering someone else fondly, then don't worry about it. Such fond remembrances may always be with you, but it's not a hindrance to marrying someone else.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Assalaamualaikam,

      There is no sin on your friend - he is innocent. The guilt lies solely with the perpetrator of such an evil deed. If your friend wishes support and counselling to address the trauma, there are national and local resources available - if there is a doctor's surgery or family planning center nearby they may have contact details for local organisations.

      Your friend may be feeling quite vulnerable now that he has told someone else about what happened; reassure him that you are there for him and that it was not his fault. InshaAllah he will be able to heal and move past this.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  18. Hi..

    I shared the same sentiment.. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 21.. he understood that I wanted to keep myself till marriage..but half a year in the relationship..the unexpected happened..what I never thought would happened had happened..a week before my 22nd birthday,my boyfriend forced sex on me..i was pushing him away with all my will,i was begging for him to stop..I cried..it was too painful,physically mentally and emotionally..I was in pain throughout his desire fulfillment...even then I was still trying to defend my virginity even though I knew it's gone..I was in pain for weeks..feeling dirty feeling disgusted with myself..This continued from September 2012 till January 2013..within few months he's forced more than 20 times on me..and til date every time he push in and penetrate it hurts..and I'll still cry and fight for my life..i know i should have left..but it's never easy for any women to leave when she's been done this way..there's fear..there's confusion..feeling of lost..low self esteem..thinking that no one can accept her or love her genuinely..

    I like any women who went through this needs assurance..that there could be someone who would accept her as though she is still a virgin..because i still regard myself as a virgin..i didnt give anything to him..i was fighting for my amanah my life..every time he force I'll fight for my life..but I'll always get abused with words and abused physically..

    Am i wrong to still tell myself I am a virgin still? Should I tell my future mate about this?or do I hide it forever?

    • Melissa,

      You have literally been raped by this ignorant beast (I am sorry for saying this). You should have left, and should leave immediately. If he forces you, you should call the cops on him. He does not deserve your goodness.

      I suppose you have understood that this is a result of Haraam relationships, a lesson for anyone who reads your story.

      And you need not worry about who would accept you and who wouldn't. It is Allah Who Decides and afterall, it is to Him that we all shall return, in order to see His Justice.

      Repent for the mistakes you may have made, and get as far as possible from this man. Never see him, nor let him see you. Practice Hijaab and worship Allah as He should be Worshipped.

      And do not worry, you will find a man you deserve. Make your deen better and start practicing it fully and wholeheartedly. And you do not have to reveal what has happened with you, to anyone whosoever, except if you fear that this evil man will try to ruin your potential marriage (perhaps you will receive advise from others on this issue - in sha Allah).

      And to protect yourself, if it is possible, move to a different place. It maybe difficult, but trust me, very effective. May Allah Forgive your sins and Guide you to His Straight Path, and May He get you the perfect spouse you deserve.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • He was a man who knows alot about islam..practice it very well..that is why i never expected that to happen..we met each others parents already and was talking about planing a nikah..that is why it didn't crossed my thoughts..we never go to secluded places..we would sit with a gap between us..
        I have left him..but little fear and the bitterness of it still haunts..

        In other words,I should just hide the fact to my future potential husband?Lie to him that I am still untouched?I understand that I am not wrong to lie about it especially if it is my aib and that I have seek forgiveness and seek refuge in Allah..

        Correct me if I'm wrong..

        Melissa

        • I want to say that you should inform your parents at-least your mother what happened . I am saying this because it's called raped what he done to you. In future if he tries to blackmail you or make your life hell at-least someone will raise voice and can protect you. If I were you honestly I would have inform police make GD and at-least my mother. That guy should be behind the bars.

        • I dont understand how did u give him soo many chances to 'rape' u?? 20 times you said.. People usually ran away from that person and report them to the police!!

          Im sorry but i dont buy these stories.. You cant put all the blame on the guys. The girls are as much responsible for these sins because they continued with the relationships and keep going back to enjoy themselves then when guilt settle in they call it rape!

        • "He practice Islam very well" ? Surely you havn't seen his true colors. Pre-marital relationship is a time where a person will do his/her best to impress the other and portray themselves as 'good' person and then acheive their evil agenda when your heart fall out to him. To me, there is a difference between 'rape' and 'forced sex', surely you weren't 'raped' because if you were, then you wouldn't be near or around the aggressor but you said he had sex with you 20 TIMES, 20 times ?? You said, you 'NEVER' go to secluded places, then where did all this happen ? Why did you stay in this relationship after the first incident ? Why didn't you inform the cops because thats a huge crime deserving a capital punishment ? I'm sorry but its hard to belive this story. He may have taken advantage of you but it can't be 'rape', surely you are to be blamed and no I believe that you cannot consider yourself as virgin anymore. Very sorry. Were you aware that pre-marital relationship is forbidden in Islam ? Furthermore, NO you must not lie to your potential partner that you are 'untouched', thats a grave lie. You may not tell him about your past, but don't lie if asked. Our Prophet said that who ever lie/deceive/cheat is not from the ummah.

          Whatever it is now, Obey and fear Allah, follow his commands, observe the hijab and repent repent repent. May Allah forgive you and guide you.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            I feel I need to respond to this post as it is very concerning to read such a comment, especially when directed at a vulnerable person who has come seeking advice and support.

            Legally, rape is defined as sexual intercourse without consent. It doesn't matter if this is a person you know or a stranger - if you do not give consent then it is rape. If you initially give consent and then withdraw it, the other party must stop.

            The argument that it was not rape because the poster still has contact with the man is also flawed. We do not know the details of the relationship dynamics, but people around the world stay in abusive and unhealthy relationships for various reasons - fear, promises of change, simply not knowing how to get out... Most sexual assaults are carried out by people known to the victim, and it is not always possible to escape these people - many people have to face their abuser regularly; this does not mean their abuse was less valid or they are to blame.

            Nobody is to blame for being raped - the guilt lies solely with the perpetrator. Unfortunately, many people still judge the victim harshly. It is sensible to look at events and consider steps that could be taken to avoid such things happening, but to tell someone who has undergone such a trauma that they are to blame is, quite frankly, cruel.

            Melissa, I hope that you can find comfort and support in coming to terms with what happened, and that you are able to tell your mother and father, who will be able to help you in removing this man from your life. If you feel able to, and it is safe to do so, I would urge you to report his crimes, in order to protect other girls from experiencing this. There are many excellent organisations that help people who have experienced sexual assault - if you can, get in touch with them - and your GP should also be able to arrange counselling for you.

            Midnight moon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

  19. I was raped as a kid and the bf raped me too (it is so shamefull to tell i failed as always),,,,,,,,,,,allah will never ever forgive me....i did have the bf by my own wish not because i was in love with him, i felt sorry for him and did not want to make someone upset so i let it go......

  20. Hadija : The best thing is to go for counselling sessions .... trust me... the psychologists are really good at that... you need to visit someone like that...

  21. Assalamialaikum..

    With regards to Melissa.. We cannot blame her solely because she let him repeatedly abuse her.. we have to understand,psychologically she's disturbed..the peace of the mental is shaken..We are no one to judge her unless we ourselves have been through what had happened to her..can i ask,who here who's been raped?not all of us here are speaking from a point of view of a victim..unless we are all victims of raped only then we would feel how she feel..

    Obviously there is fear..obviously there will be mental torment that we don't see and feel..see,the human mind is such a way that when something so violence and violating happened it triggers many things..from esteem to confuse and so on..just like how the opening of a vagina works,of it is faced with hurt it develops itself to tightened or close completely and this is a medical term called vaginismus..same goes for the mental state..it works somewhat that way..it built a defend mechanism but sometimes the pain and hurt caused is even deeper than the physical ones..

    What I would suggest is for melissa to see a psychiatric..if the issue in her mind are not resolved she can never be strong enough to stand up for herself and stop letting the man take advantage of her..

    Honestly..NOT ALL OF US HERE ARE RAPED..so we really don't know how it feels mentally emotionally psychologically..we really don't until we experience and face it ourselves..

    True we have to seek Allah..but Islam has also taught us science..and it is all related..

    To all,don't judge and start assuming..we don't want this to happened to us or our daughters because WE don't know how we'll be..May Allah bless us all..

    To dear Melissa..please seek medical help..And be strong in heart..In sha allah you'll get well soon..

  22. Wa'alaykumsalam sis 'midnightmoon',

    I understand what you are trying to say. I didn't say it was not raped rather I thought it was 'forced' meaning that she was forced to have and she had, I said there was difference because 20 times is unimaginable for being 'raped' at least to me, with that she said she was never in a secluded place?. To me, there obviously is a difference and suspicion with regards to the explanation given by her.
    Secondly, I don't believe that we all should share the same view point/opinion regarding a matter/situation, we have our way of seeing things differently. So I see no problem with that. 'freedom of speech and thought' 🙂 . So I'm not sure if you are trying to say that she is blameless, but I believe that she is to be blamed as well as her 'bf'. Well, Islamically and technically no doubt she is also wrong isn't it sis ? Assuming a situation, lets say if a person is 'raped' once and that person left, then that person connot be blamed, for one I would show utmost sympathy, but if that person remains in relationship for whatever reason and if the unfortunate happens over and over again for around 20 times, then I can't think that the person is blameless. Furthermore, if that person wishes to lie to her potential partner that she is 'untouched', then surely something is wrong. So therefore, I just wanna make sure that she is aware that she is also at fault. Saying that she is blameless will only give her the confidence to deceive herself and her potential partner which I think is a grave mistake to be done.

    • I just came across this site..I have been working with a lot of rape victims who come to the masjid to seek refuge..as for sister Melissa case..what I can tell you is..although she stayed longer than she should have,we don't know what she must be going through..HAVE YOU BEEN RAPED? no..WOULD YOU KNOW HOW OR WHAT SHE WAS GOING THROUGH? no..one ustazah who studies human psychology and is leading the team to help rape victim in my community,once told me,we are no where to judge whether a woman is to be blame for the subsequent rape..because 1) a rape woman is violated.. take example you..your house have been broken in to..and you were taken away without your will,for some reason of survival,you submit.. it is the same.. a raped survivor are usually mentally disturbed and unstable,in fear and in shock.. the level of trauma any rape woman goes through is never the same as what normal human feel from being robbed.. 2) we are not Allah to decide if her staying and letting the subsequent incident to happen is all her fault..we were not there when it happens..we did not feel what she must be feeling..it was not us fighting for our lives..it is her..and Allah knows what is in her heart..Allah hear her cries..Allah sees her fights..

      These women are tested differently from us..to a mind like you who have not gone through rape,you will accused that it is her fault for the subsequent incident,because you,have not been through rape..to a person who doesn't go through rape,getting away is as easy as buying a new bag after your bag was robbed..But rape is not as easy as that..rape causes deeper wounds..

      I know this very well..Because I myself is a rape survivor..I was raped by my very own step brother..for years I suffered in silence..it destroyed me..I didn't tell anyone because I was threatened..fear,shame and self disgust was instilled in me..i was made to feel that I am dirty and if I tell anyone I'd be killed..I'd be hated. No one would believed me.. these little things that the rapist does to control the victim is a deep destroyer..

      After 4 years..and after I finally ran away from home..I met with this ustazah who helps rape victims to go back into the community..I learnt alot from her..i used to blame myself for not running away after the first rape..i used to feel that everything was my fault..I disgust myself..i hated myself.. but Alhamdulillah..Allah planned everything so well..I met her after 4 years of ordeal..and Allah gave me a role in helping other rape victims to be strong again..

      In conclusion,rape and rape victims,are not as simple as getting back up when a robber robs you and injured you..so please..have an empathy with an open mind to learn about rape and it's consequences before you start saying anything..yes..i truly understand "freedom of speech".. but Allah gave us a heart to feel,Allah gave us a brain to think and learn..And our heart and brain are supposed to work together..

      Jazakallah..

  23. Sister have faith in Allah and no one should ever think of suiciding.... I also had the same feelings before I'm from Afghanistan I'm in 15 raised in USA and I was raped in age of 5 or 6 no one knows by who but I tried to suicide but I didn't have the guts to take away my life I was afraid of the consequence and when life puts you in a hard situation don't say why me say try me..

  24. Hello brothers and sisters
    i need advice plz !! i was raped some years ago
    But now i have my muslim bf we both love each other and our families get along we want to get married so i decide to tell my bf about me being raped he was very upset that a bad man rape me and sad he couldnt stop this from happening ,
    And say he'l tell his father he take my virginity before we get married ,
    will we still be able to marry even though i havent had intamacy with my bf ??

    • Assalam O Alaikum sister Maraim,
      Sorry to hear about your trials, your boyfriend doesn't have the right to be mad at something that happened in the past and that even without consent. You don't carry the sin of rape rather your are the victim and the person who did this will be punished. However, also you need to get out of this haram relationship and save your akhirah, you sure will be punished because Islam doesn't allow relationships out of marriage. If you guys are serious then involve parents and get married asap. Also, do not reveal your past to anyone, perhaps this is why Allah (swt) doesn't want us to reveal them to anyone because humans are weak and they will through it in your face anytime they are angry or frustrated or have and argument. Ultimately, log-in and write your question as separate post and it will be answered on it's turn iA. Also read through the advice already offered under similar/same posts.

      Muhammad1982,
      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  25. Asalamualikum wa rahmathullahi wa barakathuhu

    my dear sister, Allah is merciful he will surely forgive you. just do tawba (repentence) sincerely from your heart and just start living as Islam taught us to live

    Annas reported that Rasulallah said:
    “I have left among you two things you will never go astray as long as you hold fast to them: the Book of Allah and my Sunnah.
    (Haakim)

    so just follow the path of our beloved Rasulla SAW and surely you will find great happiness .
    my dear sister Allah loves his servents he is so merciful he is so kind I know you have commited a sin now you have to correct it not by commitin suicide but by getting closer to Allah and about your marriage In Shaa Allah you will surely get a great and loving husband 🙂

    may Allah Subhanataallah guide evry ummathi Muhammad on the straight path Ameen ya Allah

  26. hey sis plz dn't lose your heart everyone will accept you your parents loves you not your virginty and the boy who loves u dn't care about that kind of stuff...

    leave every matter on life .....

    everything gonna be okay (y)......

    Belive in Allah

  27. ive got some what of a same question, searced this on google and this was the first link however not the same question :

    in Islam, will my future husband forgive me if i was raped without any of my own concent?

    • Assalaamualaikam

      In the Quran, we are told the importance of maintaining chastity, so for a man to force himself upon a woman would go against his obligation to maintain his chastity. Sexual assault is a form of oppression, and in Al-Baqara we are told on several occasions that oppression can be considered to be worse than murder (2:191 and 2:217, I think - if I'm wrong, hopefully someone can correct me, inshaAllah); so there are already clear reasons why it is not acceptable for a man to force himself upon a woman.

      It is also written in An-Noor (24:33, I think - if these references are wrong, I apologise), that if a woman is forced into sexual intercourse when she desires chastity, then they can have faith that Allah will extend His mercy to them for these events.

      Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful, so have faith that He will not judge you unjustly; practice your faith and repent for any sins you have committed, but don't feel that an event that took place without your consent will be held against you.

      As for men and women in this life, though, we are not perfect, and so you may come across people who have negative attitudes regarding rape, just as you may meet people who are prejudiced against skin colour, language, etc. That doesn't mean you are in the wrong, so don't let these people bring you down. When looking for a husband, look for a man who is kind-hearted and of good character; inshaAllah he will therefore be gentle and supportive of you.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • That's an excellent response, mashaAllah. And if I am not wrong, I think the Ayahs you quoted are correct, mashaAllah - keep it up.

        "...Oppression is more serious than murder..." (Al-Baqara 2:191)

        "...And persecution is more serious than killing..." (Al-Baqara 2:217)

        "...And do not compel your girls (daughters) to prostitution, seeking the materials of this life, if they desire to remain chaste. Should anyone compel them—after their compulsion, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful." (An-Noor 24:33)

        • Assalaamualaikam

          JazakAllah khair. I was worried I might have made a mistake with the references as I was relying on my rather sleep-deprived memory. Thank you for providing the ayahs themselves.

          Midnightmoon
          IslamicAnswers.com editor

  28. can a man accpt a grl who is not a virgin coz o child rape will he accpt her ater knowing all this?????

  29. Hi after all the trauma I have been in my life I have finally met someone that Im getting married to who thinks I'm a virgin. I lost my vaginity when I was drugged with sleeping pills by my father and elder brother in some milk that my dad made for me, which I was not aware of then and they raped me after that. This was going on for sometime and I wasn't aware until one day I woke up in the night and they were just there raping me. They Had given me sleeping pills so many times that my body became immune to the dosage and i woke up one night. This was the worst thing that ever happened to me I trusted my father and brother I couldn't believe the perverts did this to me. I have never slept with any bidy in my life and never kept boyfriends, because I believe in sex after marriage I feel sick when I think of what happen to me and would like to put the past behind me plus if I mention this to anyone including my fiancé my inlaws will not let the wedding go ahead plz help me how can I pretend I'm a virgin.

    • Mariyam: I lost my vaginity when I was drugged with sleeping pills by my father and elder brother in some milk that my dad made for me, which I was not aware of then and they raped me after that......... plz help me how can I pretend I'm a virgin.

      Just search "pretend virgin" on the Internet. Are you sure you were "penetrated" during the rape? How long ago it happened?

      • Ask Allah for forgiveness !

      • its irrelevant and she doesn't need forgiveness! They are meant to protect you and instead they treated you badly.

        The decision you need to make is if you want to tell your spouse you were raped, and if so, if you want to say it was your dad. If you are still in contact with your family then this must be very difficult for you. I hope you have someone to talk to. Either way keep speaking to allah

    • Mariyam: I have finally met someone that Im getting married to who thinks I'm a virgin. I lost my virginity when I was drugged with sleeping pills by my father and elder brother in some milk that my dad made for me, which I was not aware of then and they raped me after that. This was going on for sometime and I wasn't aware until one day I woke up in the night and they were just there raping me.

      Are you married now? Where was your mother when your dad and brother were raping you?

  30. Sis please dony be sad

  31. I am shocked at a lot of these replies. Firstly, she has come here for support. I know this was a few years ago, but other people in similar situations will come on to this thread. Secondly she was abused as a child, and even if she was abused as an adult it is a horrible thing to go through. A lot of people are saying she is to blame.

    The fact she is with someone who treats her badly is not unusual, victims often feel devalued and think differently to how they may have otherwise. They stay with their attacker sometimes because they have an association to them.

    Do'tt have an operation to restore hymen unless you really have to! It's not a nice operation, and a lot of women have broken hymens before marriage anyways. Secondly, men will accept you, but you need to accept yourself first. You need to go to Allah - and speak to allah. If you feel guilty ask for forgiveness, but some things are out of your control. Then when you are ready repent and move forwards. Keep talking to Allah, an accept what happened. This does not define you, this is a part of your past and where it sits. You do not need it as part of your future.

    iA - Allah will bless you with someone and should you wish to tell him you can, and he will have the character required.

    Keep going, stay strong

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