Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m Pakistani and she is Bengali and our families will not let us marry

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Pakistan and Bangladesh used to be one country before they split. Nevertheless, there are cultural and linguistic differences.

I am confused. My girlfriend is Bengali and I'm Pakistani and we are very close and want to get married in a couple of years, but her parents want her to get married to a Bengali at the age of 19 as her family do not like Pakistanis.

Why is this? As we are both Muslim so what is the problem with this? Why can't we get married? What does Islam say about this?

I want to get married when I am 22, when I have finished all my studies. She doesn't mind, but her parents say they want her married when she is 19 to a Bengali only.


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112 Responses »

  1. Salam brother,
    I am a Pakistani and I know why Bengalis hate "West Pakistanis" after all that fuss of 1972.It is definitely allowed in Islam that we could marry any muslim regardless of his or her culture.But you know that our people are far from Islamic principles.They choose to live in their narrow mindedness while Islam has given us such a broad view of life.Anyways It is not easy to solve this problem if your and her parents are not broad minded to understand and accept the situation.Your marriage in this country with a Bengali could only work if both your and her parents had agreed and accepted.If they dont then it is useless to marry her and ruin your her life.

    may Allah guide you.

    • "after all that fuss of 1972"....for your information it's "1971". Sister A, how can you give proper Islamic advise when you can't get historical facts right? And it's because people from your country killed Bengali Pakistanis when both Pakistans were united...YES the West Pakistani killed fellow Bengali Muslim brethren in East Pakistan..I'm guessing the girl's family went through genocide perhaps that's why they will not accept the Pakistan son-in-law.

      I'm a Bengali male, and I'm allowed to marry a Pakistani girl by my parents; we have Pakistani family friends, but my parents told me it will be hard because of the language barrier.

      Sister A, you apparently showed no respect of what Bengalis went through, the memories of genocide of Bengalis still lives on in our hearts and minds because our parents went through running way and hiding from West Pakistani soldiers. My uncle was murdered by Pakistani soldiers, and even though my parents will welcome a Pakistani daughter-in-law, my relatives will not.

      And for the Pakistani brother, go and try to reason with the Bengali girl's family, the past history should not stop you, since both of you are Muslims. However, please consider that it will be hard with relatives and you have to show and overwhelming amount of respect to her parents because of what happened in 1971.

      • hi i'm pakistani but also have bengali friends i know why somtimes bengali people don't like pakistani it depend s the way you are some your religousness some pakistani don't wear a headscarf at home which is cumpolsry and neither do they wear it out side when our prophet (pbuh) required all womens to cover their hear and body it is also said about this in the qur'aan in surah an nur -verse:31 and go out he also said if uou are taking allah's name in the house and have just read a du'aa but not got a dupatta on your head your du'aa is not accepted. it is also said brothers and sister that you can marry any muslims from any culture so if the girls parents don't agree ask them why and also say there is no hadith or any where in the qur'aan that we are not allowed to get married to any other culture as long as it is muslim.

        • Shazia,

          It is not compulsory to wear the headscarf at home. It is only compulsory to wear the headscarf infront of a non-mahram.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • yeh i men to sa dat but it iz also said dat if u dnt war it at home or never even outsid den ur du'aa are never accepted think about it why would allah acept sum1s du'aa wen dat person is not following the order of his and muhammad..... but ur right sis

      • Azim, I think you need to wake up. its almost 2012!! Your mentality is almost like someones' from back home. 'show and overwhelming amount of respect to her parents because of what happened in 1971'.. Was the pakistani brother responsible for other pakistanis' actions in the war??? The Prophet (saw) eliminated all wrong superiority's: territorial, tribal, linguistic, racial. He (saw), declared: aNo Arab is superior over an non-Arab, no non-Arab is superior over an Arab. No white is superior over a black, no black is superior over a white. All these superiority's are man-made. Only superiority is that of piety, human conduct and moral behaviour.' (Bukhari)

        Sister A- well said! You hit the nail on the head! I appreciate what you wrote. It is true, our people are far from islamic principles, they care too much about what 'others think'!! We will never move foward in life with the likes of Azim. I dont think sister A meant to get the year wrong?! We all sin, make mistakes and ask allah for forgiveness in our prayers. What happened to your uncle in the war, im not excusing. But you need to put the past behind you and move on. Forgive and forget. Because if you cant, then how is allah going to forgive us for our sins when we die?!

        Unfortunately, there are asian people that live in todays society that have such an old fashioned mentality. Its embarrasing and makes hate the asian culture even more!

        • You are right, the past is the past. And NO, the Pakistani brother is not responsible for the crimes done back then, and he should not be blamed for them. And for the record, I am NOT against marriage between Bengalis and Pakistanis. But our parents, who survived it, remember the tragedy and some have not gotten over it. It's a sensitive topic and some moved forward and some still holds on to the past. The reason being is our parents, even to this day, as they live in the West, are not open minded because they grew up in villages. They have reached an age where they do not want to listen so that's a challenge.

          My point being was, that it's a sensitive topic and to approach the topic in a cautious manner.

          • I am a Bangladeshi male myself and I doubt very much if it is indeed a sensitive issue. It has been 41 years since Bangladesh was born and any father who has a 25 years old child now could probably be 10 -12 years old in 1971. It is unlikely that he endured much, let alone remember it. Then again, while there was indeed killings in 1971, typically such killings are overblown in media propaganda in Bangladesh. Nevertheless, I can see if it is about an uneducated or politically hyperactive parent who can behave this way. Other than that, for most educated Bengali family, there will not be any issue at all, at least not from this perspective. For the most part, many Bengali family will be wary of Urdu culture which is viewed as overly possessive but this is not an unsurmountable barrier. This concern applies equally with Indian Muslims as well. I know of several Bengali-Pakistani marriages that are working great.

            By the way, Bengalis are indeed somewhat narrow minded when it come to marital relations. It is not very uncommon for them to even discriminate against people (especially girls are often tagged with derogatory labels) from districts other than their own or select few of Bangladesh itself.

            As long as it is about a Muslim boy and Muslim girl - Alhamdulillah!

      • im pakistani n i want 2 marry a bengali guy n m parents r happ so iz his pareents az they think children happiness is importansas long as patents r happy n im alrd engaged

      • My husband is bengali im Pakistani we have 2 children it is possible but you must do it respectfully my life could be better now alhumdulila . SITdown with both families with an imam and talk it through garanteedu will b fine

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    hi how are you? hope you are doing well, after reading your question i can understand the situation you are in. i know a bengali guy who got married to a pakistani women so i know not eveery bengali familys are like that, their are some pakistani familys who cant accept bengali family i guess it works both ways, i suggest you ask the girls family why they dont like you, have patience inshallah things may work out.

    ma salama

  3. to confused.com.

    try learning Bengali phrases and about the Bengali culture..you would surprised how well it works with Bengalis...even though we listen to Hindi and Urdu music, our language "Bangla" is very important to us...it's important to me even though I'm American raised.

  4. O mankind! We created you from a single soul, male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, so that you may come to know one another. Truly, the most honored of you in God's sight is the greatest of you in piety. God is All-Knowing, All Aware (49:13)

    The Prophet (saw) eliminated all wrong superiority's: territorial, tribal, linguistic, racial. He (saw), declared: aNo Arab is superior over an non-Arab, no non-Arab is superior over an Arab. No white is superior over a black, no black is superior over a white. All these superiority's are man-made. Only superiority is that of piety, human conduct and moral behaviour.' (Bukhari)

    People from the East Bengal whom majority are Muslims and People of the region called Pakistan whom majority are Muslims under Islam can marry one another.

    Lets put this into perspective:
    Islam does not promote neither does it allow what occurred between Muslims from 1947-1971. This was the era of the cold war between USA and USSR and also as in all times in the modern era in the subcontinent and elsewhere a time of dirty elitist politics and it is the story of the post world war two world.

    Bangladesh/ Pakistan issue is not singular, there have been many instances in world history.
    For example; The 'Whites' of America enslaved 'Black' people as an economic policy and tradition not promoted by their faith. Yet today you have few examples of inter racial marriages and you have the first 'Black' President.

    Time heals all wounds and frankly politics and going away from the tenets of Islam destroy brotherhood, unity and human respect. Nationalism is the disease of this world after the 19th century.
    Armies are told what to do by their commanders and commanders are the new pharaohs of the world with their military regalia. Yes defence of the home is important but why defend if what we live in today is broken brotherhoods and secular realms which have corrupted the leaders, the public and every aspects of our life

    For the argument, a perspective of a people: People tend to be racist and oppressive not because of religion but because of traditional feudal caste systems and lack of education in Islam and of life.
    To this day: animosity between Bangalis and Pakistanis exist whether it be because of 1971 or because of not being open minded and having dialogue not between armies and leaders but between brothers and brothers and sisters and sisters of both nations.
    Language is NO barrier! Islam is an Arabic lingustic religion and yet it cannot be comprehended by several Arabs themselves, and those who call themselves Muslims yet hurt the innocent and strive for power.

    I do not deny that the West Pakistani's ill-treated and suppressed East Pakistani's but when you have a difference of over 1000 miles between the two it is hard to keep it together and united with India in the middle and we know the animosity between India and Pakistan which is uncalled for. Remember The British ruled with a theory after 1857 called "Divide and Rule", Nationalism came to the fore in subcontinent after 1850's and it has ruined the ethnically diverse subcontinent.

    The real history needs to be told and countries like Pakistan and Bangladesh should recognize their differences and strive for a future in which they work as brothers. However, the secular and racist leaders, intellectuals and common propaganda will not allow unity to occur.
    When the country's establishments are far away from Islam the country's people are thus left to suffer.

    It is not the fault of the new generations of what occurred 40+ Years ago. You have conflicts between India and Pakistan but it does not prevent people from both nations sharing and having an intellectual dialogue of mutual respect and acknowledgement.

    Gandhi called for a unified India in which Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs would live as brothers. Jinnah strove for Pakistan after seeing the dirty politics and the would be marginalization of Muslims.

    Fact remains: India has over 100 Million Muslims. Pakistan has over 180 Million. Bangladesh has over 140 Million.

    Islam is peace and unity not separation and hate. Let us not fall in to the perils of nationalism and hate each other because of our skin colors, languages, looks. We are all commonly bound by Islam. We worship God not country. Let us all work for a better future and hope that Islam comes back into the hearts of the leaders of nations and the people of nations so we can strive for the unified brotherhood that is so desperately needed around the world.

    Other places such as the Arab regions, the Balkans, North East Africans are still experiencing conflicts and suffering from nationalist doctrines. Let us not be victims of these doctrines and experience such events such as 1924 (breakup of declining Ottoman Sultanate) 1947 (Partition of India), 1948 (Formation of Israel by The Zionists, British and US) 1955 (Bengali Movement suppressed), 1971(Bangla/ Pak civil war), 1979 (Siege of Makkah), 1970's-2009 (Iraq-Iran war, recognition of Israel by Egypt, Gulf war, Afghanistan invasion by USSR, Palestinian issue, Sunni-Shia (Islam is a Muslim religion not a sunni or shia) crisis, Sudan, Somalia, Western China, Balkan regions, and so on.

    • Very comprehensive post, thank you. I totally agree with your call to avoid the perils of nationalism and remain united upon Islam.

    • Islam has no boundaries, I am pro intermixing between different Muslims of different backgrounds but because of the past, one must approach this issue in a cautious manner. It's not a Bengali/Pakistani issue, there is also Turkish/Kurdish, Lebanon/Syrian issues as well as those Muslim countries killed the people of the other.

  5. I am suffering from the same problem u have but its a bit different. Of course, nationalism is haram in Islam. You and she should get married, not your family, right? How can you tolerate when u will hear she will marry some other guy? It isn't fair. If you both can understand each other and don't mind your culture and race, then I dont think anything is going wrong. I know about parents, so I wont advice you to convince parents. But its also true without parents blessings, u both too wont remain happy. If both of your parents love you and her, then they have to sacrifice, for there is nothing wonderful or special for parents except their childs happiness. I am a Bangladeshi who wants to marry a Paki guy. As far as I know about guys, u can do those things which girls usually find difficult, like doing daring things, waiting for love, going outside. Try to understand her problem too. If you and she love each other, then you shouldn't stay quiet like this. Don't do any act, for which u both will suffer in future. Islam allowed us to marry a person of our own choice. Parents sometimes don't allow because its normal. Both of your parents wants your spouse to be of their own race. Don't leave each other like this. I know convincing parents can be difficult, so pray to Allah so that He can open their eyes & forget about nationalism. First of all, have faith and depend on Allah. I have no other alternative to tell you except to rely on Allah. Nobody or nothing can overcome this situation which you are suffering from. Only Allah Alone can help u. Don't lose hope. I am doing the same thing. The question which u post in this website proved that how tensed & serious you are and how much u love her. So if you are that kind of serious then devote yourself to Allah as much as u can. This is only the way. Allah don't return people empty handed. Believe me. And Inshallah I will pray for u so that you acquire your love without any obstacles.
    Jazakallah Khayr.

    • Dear Sister,

      I am in the same boat as you. I have recently met a pakistani boy and we want to keep our relationship 100% halal and have the aspiration to marry eachother. we have only known eachother properly for a few weeks and he has spoken to his family about me who have accepted me. However, I cannot speak to mine because a love marriage of different cultures happened in my family before against my parents wishes and ended in divorce since then my parents have not entirely accepted my sister with their hearts nor her children even though they have returned to them 10 years ago. I cannot see the pain again which they went through and i cannot do that to them. However, i feel as if i have found my soulmate.

      Please advise me on what to do

      • Hi

        I am in a similar situation :(

        Has yours had any developments?

        I am bengali and my guy is MIxed race. We are both practicing Muslims and he is a 2month old revert Alhamdulillah.

        My mum doesnt know but I fear to tell her as she will disown me from previous immediate family history... to a white guy they had a child but the guy is still not truly accepted and neither is my sister

        I dont know what to do :(

        He just wants me to tell my mum but i am at uni and i just dont think the time is right :/......

    • u'r right :). have u got married with that guy from pakistan?

  6. i can completly understand what your goin through aswell, im a pakistani girl, and my ex-boyfriend was a bengali boy, we both wanted to get married too, but unfortunatly fate wasnt on our side, we loved each other and we still do, but unfortunatly his parents will never accept me.
    weve fought for so long, and finally ive given up, because its come to the point where his parents have said that if he wants to be with me then hes going to have to leave their home, and i am agains that. i am willing to do anything for him, and if i had the chance i would ask my parents to allow me to marry him and to accept him as a son, but his parents have made the decision for both of us, and i havent even had the chance to ask mine about it.
    lifes difficult, but sometimes everything happens for a reason, i used to always have hope, but no matter what his parents ahve said, no matter what they think about me, at the end of the day they are his parents, i wouldnt expect him to leave them for me, as i would never leave mine for him.,
    the problem with asians is that they put their culture before everything, and this is haram, as u are not meant to see other fellow muslims as being either above or below you, we are all equal. we all pray to the same Allah, and follow the same things in life, but their mindset is soo backwards they cant see past their country.
    i would have never given up, but ive been fighting for so long that ive just become weak, and now the way i see it is , that if Allah wishes for us to get married, then nothing and none in the world can stop us, but if Allah wishes for us not to get married, then no matter what we do, no matter how much we fight, we wont win, it is all the will of Allah, maybe he has something better in store for you?

    • Im in the exact same boat as u. His parents wont even see me or meet my family becoz we r pakistani. They told him to get out the house.

    • Hw do u deal with it. Are u two still in contact

      • hey sorry about the late reply. yh were still in contact which doesnt really help things at all, but weve tried to break up on many occasions and it doesnt happen. r u still in contact with ur ex?

        • I stopped all contact a few days ago. I find it difficult but my pushin was drivin me away. I no u love him. As i love my ex but really they need to make choices themselvs. If u read uks comments below mine further down. I think ther helpful. I too feel like no one can replace him. But shorty these boys they carry on thinkin theyr able to be ther own man but there families are so culture bound n so r they. How long wer u tgether?

          • yh ur right. it is hard, hes stopped fighting a while ago now. i feel that as they are men they shud put their foot down and say this is the girl i want to be with, and they should push their families to accept it.

            we were together pretty much 3 and half years on and off, were still talkin now aswell, and its been nrly 4 years. long. what bout urself? x

        • I was with him four n half yrs. N knew him a yr b4 that.Ys they are men n should be able to put ther foot down. Read my post. Its under pakistani bengali marriage.its very hard. Si so hard. Iv bern thru EVERY emotion trust me. But im numb. Read my post if u like.

        • Yeh they came to see me. Not at home tho. They just randomly turned up at wrk n told me to pray for the best n that its too difficult for them. N that they wd think bout it n let me no ther decision. Which was a no bout two months after that. Tbh i think leave ur bf to it hes made his choice as has mine. Let them reap the consequences n live with the guilt. We hav to answer to allah but they will also hav to do that plus deal with the guilt of broken promises and live with another woman they wont love n they one day will hav to account for ur feelings if u dont forgiv them. Oh out of interest. Wat did ur ex do to try n persuade them n how long did his tryin last?

        • hey, r u still in conract?

    • Hi

      Hi i just sent this to the person above i felt i could send it to you also...

      I am in a similar situation :(

      Has yours had any developments?

      I am bengali and my guy is MIxed race. We are both practicing Muslims and he is a 2month old revert Alhamdulillah.

      My mum doesnt know but I fear to tell her as she will disown me from previous immediate family history... to a white guy they had a child but the guy is still not truly accepted and neither is my sister

      I dont know what to do :(

      He just wants me to tell my mum but i am at uni and i just dont think the time is right :/......

      You said you would do anything for him... But would you get married to another...

      Of course everything is indeed Allah's swt will. yOu say you have tried so hard. but you havent told your parents. you say his parents have spoken and made upi minds for you both buh what if your parents were to agree? they could help with your guys parents no?

      i dont know. I understand you dont want him to lose his family buh if you love him and want ot make him your family who is to stop you as you said...

      I am just really worried. I know its selfish buh I know my mum will be teribly disappointed and very likely to disown me buh I would like to make him my family, we need to live our lives now do you know?... :/

      Its the most complex thing ever. I have never shed so many tears as Im sure you haven't or anyone else in these situations.

      • i know how hard it is, trust me.

        i honestly dont think i will ever be able to marry another, no one can replace him, ever. and im not comfortable with allowing anyone to replace him.

        theres not mch more i can do, because he has now given up on us, he cant fight anymore, or doesnt have the wil to.

        i feel so selfish too, cuz i want him to stay and to fight for me, but at the same time hes gonna get so much crap from his parents because of it, the worst thing is, he doesnt even get along with his parents.

        i dont know what to do anymore..... hes given up, and me fighting is just driving him away.

  7. salamo aliakum brothers im a pakistani male and cuurently in loive with a british bengali girl and now i am worried wether her parents wil agree or not i spoke to my family they asked onli if shi is a gud muslimah den marry dnt worry abt wethre they aree benagli pakistani .ISLAM says marry outside your cast country coz it will bring two family from different countries together and mashallah we all muslims so i pray it should be any problem .plz guys pray that wat ALLAH think is gud will happen to all of us inshallah and make all muslims unite again ameen

    • Salaam brothers and sisters

      I have read every single post on this thread, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. This nationalism, which is not accepted in Islam is a terrible thing to have over your heads when deciding your future in marriage. The dicotomy begins however with the fact that though Islam permits cross-cultural marriage (within the laws of Islamic marriage), Islam also portrays the importance of blessings from ones parents in marriage. 

      I know this feeling, as i am of Bangladeshi heritage, seeking to marry a pious and sincere man of Afghan heritage. 

      I do not know that it is the history of the south east asian countries, or war and conflict, or simply the nature of collectivist and sectarian traditions which these communities are used to, and thrive on. Its this sectarianism and replication of traditions in morals, values, food, language, clothing and all other aspects which give each community their own distinction which could be the main reason. Each community wants to preserve this, and cross-cultural marriages undoubtedly diminishes the transmission of this replication. My opinion is also that in many families, it is of the elders within the community/family setting who know no better than what these very sectarian views have instilled: that cross-cultural marriage is wrong; without ever realistically thinking about whether there is real risk or potential harm. In my opinion it is simply put down to discrimination through lack of knowledge in the Islamic teachings, and the application of these teachings to old cultural practices. 

      However having said all this, for those of you who have given a strong Islamic perspective, it is advised that we all, have faith in Allah first and foremost, for He is Al-Wakeelu, your trustee. Let Allah decide what will be for you, and do your level best to not commit Zina, or any haraam actions. The further you can distance yourself from the one you loce, the closer you shall become to the One who loves you, insha'Allah. 

      Allahu'3alum, what will be. Please keep me posted, I pray that Allah will bless you with whatever is the best for you, for Allah has all the best plans. 

      Wasalaam 

  8. hi i am a bangladeshi boy my girl friend is a pakistani,we love each other since 8years, i went to her father for our marriage but he doesnt agree !!now what we both can do?as we can not leave each other!!!

  9. Response to Shorty, Allah is testing us all who have fallen in this situation, perhaps he would want us to unite in this way regardless of what family want and wants us to break away from the norm and bring us muslims together through inter-cultural marriages?

    • i agree. i have nothing against other cultures, and i think it would be great to mix with other cultures, and honestly speaking i dont think my parents would have a problem with it. the problems on his side, and his family. if Allah wishes it to happen, then it will happen. Insha'Allah

  10. Some of the feedback here is excellent in expressing knowledge and different perspectives mashAllah.
    Islam has no boundaries in marriage when it comes to a different nationality, all that is expected is that the person you are marrying as a muslim is also a muslim period.

    Allah hates those who oppress others even when parents force their children to make such hard decisions it is wrong as it is not they who will have to live the rest of their lives with the new son/daughter.

    One thing to consider would be how hard it must be for parents to find out that you are dating before marriage as this is also forbidden in Islam, many people these days feels that it is okay to do this as when they are getting married it will become halal, but we must remember our intentions.
    Allah helps those who stay in the right path and what is in out destiny is controlled only by Allah, so brothers n sisters please try to remember to not always object to what our parents think, as they are only concerned with out well-being, and yes they may seem harsh - but it is also a big step for them in accepting because they are just not used to the kind of mentality us as the younger generation are used to.
    They fear of us being left hurt and find it hard to trust, forget pakistan and bangladesh, it could be any country or culture, it is scary since problems do tend to happen in marriages whereby you need parents and family to sometimes be concerned, and if there is a communication barrier things can be difficult. I for one can see everyones point of view here, however, what must be done is what is only right by Islam.

    It is not wrong to marry another culture or nationality, and it may be wise to convince the objective parents, or somehow win their faith and trust which is probably the best advice I can directly give, alternatively, one other thing to keep in mind is, that not everyone is always on the same wavelength of thinking.
    Some may be more advanced than others, regardless of older generation or new generation, we may feel that because Islam does Not prohibit marrying other cultures that we are doing the right thing, but we must also ask ourselves, ARE we LIVING islamically? and how many people do we know in the world that ARE living islamically and not half of this and half of that.
    In an ideal world, if everyone lived in a proper islamic way then there wouldnt be such problems when it comes to marriage, but it is also wrong to pick and choose islam whenever you feel to use its principles.
    A man can marry anyone he chooses too (forgive me as i cannot quite remember which hadith it was implemented from), and a man does not need his parents permission to marry. it is in our Islamic Right to marry as we are completing half our deen.

    I dont think worrying so much about our parents not blessing the marriage is important, as all marriages and relationships have its ups and downs and divorces DO happen, it is not the fault of not obtaining our parents blessings or someone else being unhappy, again this is a very cultural mentality and if you are trying to come away from that then this is not the way to think. YES we do want to keep our parents happy but our parents also have a duty to fulfill towards us REMEMBER THAT.
    Allah is the ultimate planner and he is the all-knowing, live your lives in the halal path and you will always get the answers you are looking for.
    inshAllah i hope my comments have given some kind of help, i pray for the both of you and any of you who are facing similar problems.
    it is best to leave it to Allah but also remember - that you must too make it happen in order to obtain Allah's help not just stop doing anything about it. we have also a duty towards one another as muslim brothers and sisters and that is to teach and guide others in the way of Islam, this also includes our parents. If our parents are doing wrong in the eyes of Islam then it is too up to us to guide them and help them and inshAllah we will be rewarded.

    jazakallah

    • Saleh,

      You have touched on some very good points here, especially that we shouldnt be picking and choosing which parts of faith we want to follow to suit our desires. Very often on this site, people write in complaining that their parents are oppressing them by not allowing to marry someone of their choice, however do not realise that they are oppressing themselves more by engaging in haraam relationships.

      Just wanted to correct one thing, Muslim men are only allowed to marry Muslim women or women of the book, meaning Jewish or Christian women (with certain conditions).

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

  11. i have a problem in the house where a Pakistani wants to marry a Bengali i hope to receive some advice the girls family is totally against this marriage partially because of the different cultures in the family such as language and food and how she will not be able to fit in and how the children will be brought up as what language will they speak , Urdu or bangla. Secondly there will be a lot of defame in the neighborhood as well as with the relatives .I know that we both have the same religion but its not the same the lifestyle is completely different .the girl is adamant to get married to the boy , do you think the family should let them get married.

  12. Having read through all the comments it's easy to see that this 'I'm in love with a Pakistani/ Bengali' dilemma is a ubiquitous one. Marriage as a whole is never easy and when it's a situation like this it's almost ten times as hard to overcome. That isn't to say that one should give up, especially if you are certain the person you wish to be with is the one that Allah has destined you for. However, engaging in illicit "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationships will bring you little success as Allah guides those on the straight and righteous path. Thus, if you really want to be with someone then the only sensible solution is to make it halal via marriage as soon as possible. Islam is not against two people of the same faith marrying. 

    Unfortunately, wanting to get married to someone (of a different cultural background) seems to be the easy part - it's trying to get families to agree which poses the biggest problem. There isn't a quick-fix to this because ignorance is a determined parasite which always seems to rear it's ugly head and almost always seems to thrive amongst the host Pakistani and Bengali community with equal persistence.  I guess using religion as an argument in support of your decision to marry outside  the fold of tradition would be pointless against parents whose mindset is governed by blinding bewilderment but in the end, as Muslims first and foremost you need to realise a few things: 

    1. It is your right AND your obligation as a Muslim to marry and this is something Allah has prescribed for you [O you men! surely We have created you of a male and a female, and made you tribes and families that you may know each other; surely the most honorable of you with Allah is the one among you most careful (of his duty); surely Allah is Knowing, Aware. (Holy Qur'an 49:13)]

    2. The Prophet (saw) said, “Nikah (marriage) is my Sunna. He who shuns my Sunna is not of me.” (Muslim)

    3. The Prophet said that Muslims should "marry far and wide" (paraphrased as I do not have the quote to hand), which refers not only to distance but it also means to embrace diversity within other nations.

    4. You have to consider your needs just as much as your parents'. No child willingly desires to disobey the wishes of his/her parents nor do they want to disappoint them but should not your happiness be the main issue here?? There is no way of knowing that marrying someone of the same cultural background is going to promise you a better and happier life. Yes, it may mean less obstacles in terms of cultural barriers but there will always be other struggles. The same goes for marrying someone of your own choice - things could still go wrong. The only difference  between the two is 'choice'. It is better to go into a marriage with someone you choose to be with rather than a stranger whom you may find yourself forcing to care for. 

    Decisions need to be made rationally and Allah's guidance should be sought. Muslims are advised to perform Salatul Istikhara (prayer for guidance) and for those who are more resolute in their decision can always perform Salatul Haja (prayer of need). It's an overused cliche I know but nevertheless it will still be said that if something is meant to be then it will be. But dua if the believer is a powerful tool and can change the course of your life so easily by the will of Allah: "Verily, His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, "Be!" and it is! [36:82].

    Allah will answer the dua of those who are sincere iA so stay strong, make your choices for the sake of Allah and trust Him; “and remember Me: I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and do not reject faith.” [2:152].

    5. And pray for those who don't know any better. Wisdom doesn't always come with age.There is no harm in trying to educate ones parents.  Engage  them in intelligent dialogue and challenge any opinions you think are wrong but do it reasonably and with understanding. 

    Inshallah it works out for you all. I know how hard it is...just persevere 

  13. hey ppl..... :'( im in same situation i pakistani and hez begali and his mum knows but hates me and has knwn 4 2 years but still doesnt say out im even learnin their language coz she says language is a barrier wat do i do i love this guy 2 much

  14. My advice is just listen to parents and make them happy.

    I'm a Pakistani, My three year hidden relationship with a Bangladeshi girl ended when I could not stand further against my parents. Her family would have accepted our marriage, but my parents were not willing to even think about it. I was given the threat of either being kicked out of the family and other negativity. I used Islam to back my intentions but to no avail. I went to Umrah and made extra prayers for something positive to happen. My parents in the end got the best of me and I gave in.

    After promising a girl and telling her do not worry I had become the traitor and betrayer. Once again, the Bengali fears of Paki's being traitors, and betrayers had become true in the sight of this Bengali family. I always thought of myself as a Muslim first, but the traditions of modern nationalist and culture societies are too strong and poisonous. quotes such as, "listening to parents, is listening to God" are used to justify positions.

    Family honor and family prestige is what families tend to look at, even when zina is involved, or other relationship forms. I told my parents I tried to fix this by marrying only her! but they gave me the negative even on that point. Going outside the family is another point that was used by parents, they said we keep everything within our social sphere, i.e. Clan, bradery, caste.

    We never planned on running away, or doing court marriages, but to do it through both parties approvals. In the end it did not pan out and left two hearts broken. One still broken and in agony (Bengali girl) and for me the Pakistani, about to be married to a Pakistani woman of my parents picking.

    Life is weird, and I am content now but have sadness in the fact I committed zina, and also left a woman in heartbreak. I will always have respect for Bangladeshi people. As do I also have respect for all of humanity.

    Islam in this day and age cannot change cultures, and it cannot unite people. But that does not mean I have lost faith in God, it only means that society is corrupt, and always in conflict with one another.

    I do wish that I had never played the game of love, and should of realized the perils of it all but I do pray for all those who are undergoing such situations. Please never do anything before marriage because it will live with you for the rest of your lives and akhira. See your family situations and see if your family will accept it, if not it is best to let each other know that if the families are not happy then do not continue. InshaAllah, for some it will be easy and for some it will be difficult. Just have faith, intentions, and always think of unity, not racial, ethnic, national, or sectarian politics.

    Love will always exist, but do it within the sanctified marriage that God has allowed us to express love through.

    If the family is not happy, then the long term will be a struggle. That is not to say do not try, but be careful.

    Asalamu Alykum.

    • I am in the same position but as a pakistani girl on the receivin end of bengali prejudice. I agree that u shud never get involvd in a haraam relationship but to be honest if it happens then i think parents need to soften towards there kids. N understand wer there happiness lies. My ex cannot imagine marryin anyone but me.he is still arguin n they see his upset. N he will always liv with guilt fr the broken promises to me n hes still tryin to no avail. Its one of the worst hurts iv had to suffer n parents ought to assess the situation. If there kids are involvd they shud allow it.and urge them to be family orientated and repent. Y make them marry others? Its hardly fair. Im happy u hv found happiness after her. I think my ex has a long tym to get to that n he will always bear a grudge in a way.

    • Honestly do you think you have really found happiness in your parents decision. would you believe that its 100 percent true. think about it..your in a position where you have broken all these promises and vows to a girl you have picked on ur own on the other hand having to commit to someone else's whose faults are something you have to deal with for the rest of your life. don't forget your not even sure if you will be compatible to the person. ask yourself the question if your making the right move or not..it involves three lives and three families. its better to be true to yourself and to everyone then keep on trying to avoid the truth that lies in front of you. Love is forbidden in Islam its the moves you make that are.

      • Uks i assume ur talkin to the poster above me whos now married but obv me bein in the same position from the other end as the girl let me tell u summat. My ex who is still fightin to marry me obv isnt in peace. I think ur comment is 100 per cent ryt. In my eyes my ex shouldnt hv made that decision to listen to his parents outright cz wats the point? Its an unislamic reason y he cant marry me he nos it n he isnt happy. But its the choice a person makes n maybe it will destroy three families. Well its destroyd me. Has it destroyd my ex? Fr now it has but his family dont care there willin to wait forever for him to get over me. Anyway i dont think we should ask the above poster bout his happiness hes married to sumone else now n we shudnt urge him to bring his happiness into the duscussion. I was temptd to ask him this myself specially about how can u liv with all those broken promises but refrained!! Everythin happns fr a reason. However at the point of the decision bein made to leave a girl in this situation i wud say these points u raised shud really be thowt of. Im in turmoil n iv been treated with prejudice. N in my eyes my ex should hav dun it he tried every method. Im positiv they wud hav acceptd it in the end. But maybe he'l marry another n his life will move on. N itl be like we never hapond. A big fat secret.

        • In my opinion, if the guy does not stand up to his family when his suppose to in order to marry the girl that he loves, he will never learn to stand up for anyone else. The guy starts losing voice esp. since he was defeated when he had to stand up for someone that is very close. If the couple did not keep the relationship strictly halal it means they should try even harder get married in order to repent for their sins. However, what we think may not be the case in this world. These days people can lie easily or even hide someone from their family with no respect to the other person's feelings or honor. One's actions at these moments should be acted upon carefully, because on one hand you have the family and the other your love..however, if the family truly loves you and knows where your happiness lies, they should give in. The true value of the love is tested by Allah, some fail and looses the person and then always asks to themselves "what if?" , while others fights and wins and has a strong relationship bond which every husband and wife should have. I know the guy messed up in your case and I believe you should really stop talking to him and tell him to move on because his putting you at a state of confusion. When he had the chance he did not fight, so what is the point trying to make things work out now?

          • Uks im not in confusion. Its over. We arent speaking. Hes the one whos confused thinkin he can salvage all this.by threatenin to leav his family or leavin them fr a while. Which wont wrk cz the way they are theyl just say go! Hes stupid. I dno y he says hes still tryin maybe its cz he likes to make out he loved me so strongly wen really that cant be true. Im afraid i hvnt seen any strength of character from him. I even wonder if hes lying bout these things he will do just to portray himself better Its ryt that u should try ur all in these situations. Only i no how betrayd im feeling.n i cant understand how ppl who break ther promises can liv with themselves. Knowin there weaknesses hav caused so much pain.

    • I guess the bottom line is if the couple really love each other and trust one another than they should get married and explain to their parents, who one day will accept it. plus which marriage doesn't have problems..you rather marry someone you pick and are comfortable with than someone that your parents have chosen to fit their criteria. however, in the case where the guy or girl can't stand up or handle the situation when needed, they aren't strong enough to ever handle a situation like this then it wasn't meant to be. When it comes to Islam, i might not know everything or even anything at all but broken hearts and promises is a sin. Your not suppose to mislead others and feed them lies. You should know what your family wants, what you are certain about and then take the next step instead of rushing into a relationship in which you have doubts. When it comes to the relationship and its haram doings, respect yourself because you might think no one is watching but Allah is. save all the passion for after marriage so there are no regrets. The reason why Allah has all these rules is so we can keep our dignity and respect as human beings. He knows everything and wouldn't want us to get hurt or hurt others with our wrong doings. As for fk...I might not be the right person telling you this but you can take the easy way out from all your troubles but the problems just don't end there. Your ultimately tested every time, its up to you to make the right choice. Aliya sometimes you just need to a be a bit selfish in this world in order to get ahead..if he can do and the say the things he is..his not kool at all. His problems shouldn't give you pain because he did it to himself. you tried your best and live knowing that.

      • I agree. But wat du mean sayin the things he is. Ie still sayin he wil fight?

        • Oh n uks. U said bout ppl like this taking the easy way out but always havin to face obstacles in the future with ther mothers choice? Well wat if that person has been bought up thinkin u r just to obey ur mother n father n they train themselves to be happy based on parents happiness. So wat if u break sumones heart? If ur mums happy? Maybe thats the bottom line in these ppls heads. Its like they chose the lesser of two evils to them. Oh n yh our relationship was haraam for which i do tauba but yes breakin a promise a word watever in my eyes is bad. Specially wen ur adult n hv chose this urself. Absolutely ridiculus. If u read my post ul see how his parents treatd my family. N they call themselves good muslims doing dawah but cdnt hv a fellow muslim in ther house.

    • Salaam. I don't mean to sound rude, but how can you leave her after what you took from her. I understand the zina is something which you both engaged in, but to leave her in that situation, that is wrong. You are a guy and culturally it's not that big a deal, but for her! she's a girl and her life is over, because you ended it. I'm not trying to be mean, but if you made the decision to do zina then how dare you leave her even when her parents are fine with it. You need to face the consequences of you decision and not just quit. You can't have everything you want and you need to stop being selfish and think of her situation too. You are wrong buddy.

      After you did that zina you know you did a big mistake and i know it was a bad one to make and you regret it, but it's done now. You should live with your decision and make a committment to her. I don't think i could live with myself personally

  15. the truth of the matter is it has to be commitment from both sides or it will never work out..bec at the end someone will break the other person's heart. if both are pretty sure about there feelings and have vowed to be by each other's side no matter what..its best to explain to each side and show that you take full responsibility and tie the knot... its better to keep it halal in all ways

  16. I see my last entry was deleted, why?

    I only gave my reasons which were based on actual facts,

    to put it blunt, most bangladeshi families will not except paki's and vice versa,

    I have yet to find a successful bangla/paki relationship where both families were completely happy,

    so anyone who is in the same boat as the poster of this thread might as well just call it quits and just save yourself the hassle,

    I've noticed that people are quoting things from the quran, yes it does say muslims are all equal, however it also says that you should listen to your parents and respect them,

    so if your parents dont except the relationship should not as a good muslim, as these people claim to be obey, post haste?

    focus on your studies and leave all this boyfriend girlfriend issue's alone,

    • j, in your last entry (which I deleted) you wrote about one person you know who had a bad experience with a Pakistani girl and therefore you concluded that all Pakistani people are liars and cheats. That's your idea of "actual facts"? That is nothing more than blatant bigotry. I will not allow such racist statements on this website.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael brother i totally agree. N u no wat j i hav so many friends who hav opened ther minds to this cross cultural marriage. N mashaalah are well settled n have common opinions on how to live n raise ther kids. I pray god forgives me for the haraam relationship i had. But theres no need to say these things can not work. We arent god. N i feel sorry for ppl with such prejudice. Seein sumone close to me die shows we are all made the same. N we all return to the same one and only creater.

  17. Fair enough about what I said regarding that pakistani girl, however,

    when I meant facts, I meant what had happend durring the 70's between pakistan and bangladesh,

    anyone with half a brain, would realise going with someone from a different race would be highly unlikely to even make Fruition,

    so why waste your time and effort, most bangladeshi people still harbour the pain suffered durring the 70's
    alot of people lost the families, this is the one of main reasons why bangla/paki relationships are frowned
    upon,

    you can quote the quran as much as you want, but at the end of the day we're animals, and what do animals do? go to whats familier, and natural,

    I mean what would you call and bangla/paki child? a Banglastani?

    yes the child would be a muslim, but what language will it speak, what culture would it follow, and I know that in the pakistani cultures, that you guys have casts, whereas in the bangladeshi culture they dont tend to,

    just save yourself the headache, You cant honestly tell me that the thought of two different races shacking up, and that your parents objecting to it, never entered your mind,

    if you had any sence, that would have been the first thing that poped into your head, myabe I shouldn't casue my parents any grief, is what you should have told yourselves,

    too many bollywood films, people think that their scenario's will play out like a bollywood love story, and have a happy endding,

    life isn't that kind I assure you,

    • Its funny that the bengali boy i was with was thinkin his parents werent so prejudiced. Turns out they were.and ur comments are BLATANTLY racist. So nowadays u need a name to call ur kids according to backgrounds do u? U cant be muslim. Big shame on u. People who want there kids to retain there so called culture shouldnt venture abroad. Coz the culture will get diluted that is a fact. Its fine to reap the benefits of the west isnt it. But not understand wen ur kids are born here there british. Or american. And muslim.

    • Ignore this guys comments!!! You are so old fashioned and your comments were very rude and offensive. I know of many bengali females who are married to pakistani men, and their families are okay with them. And yes there may have been some obsticles at the beginning, but in the end, most families come round to it. 'banglastarni' is very offensive!! Who cares about what language the children will speak! A muslim first, not a nationalist! Ive met half bengali and pakistani people, and some speak english, some speak one of the other language. The war was a long time ago, and yes there were tradegies but times have changed. You need to learn the concept 'forgive and forget'. We all sin, and when we die, we will be asking allah swt for forgiveness.

      I am a british born bengali women, and like myself, know many bengali women who would never choose to marry a bengali male out of choice!! Infact, I know toomany bengali females that have married outside their nationality. People Like J are so old fashioned and we will never move foward in life. I cannot stand bengali culture and would never dream to marry a bengali. And for the records, not every bengali person is racist and has a problem with pakistanis. People like J are just animals!!! And should really live back home!!!

      Mixed races will be world domination in years to come. What about muslim reverts, mixed marriages?? Language should not be a barrier. J, clearly your a muslim, and yes we must obey our parents, but my understanding is that you are against inter-racial and mixed nationlity marriages. Your just very typical, narrow minded and need to educate yourself in islam and other cultures. Have you ever travelled???

    • Just to clarify, a child that is half Pakistani and half Bengali can simply be called... half Pakistani and half Bengali! I don't see there being an issue, as a matter of fact, rather nice to see the slight differences in traditions and getting the best of both worlds.
      I myself am half and half, my father is from Pakistan and mother from Bangladesh.
      I do not feel that I have in any way missed out on anything, and what we must remember is that Islam is a way of life - the most important factor here. Not culture. We speak english at home as I am British born and I see no problem in that.
      This whole idea that we should marry 'our own kind' is beyond ridiculous, 'our own kind' counts for every single muslim brother or sister. It is because of this backward mentality that I am having great difficulties marrying, simply because I am 'half Pakistani' and not full bengali. One can only hope that this way of thinking will shift. Sooner rather than later.

      As for your 'animals' reference - Yes, we find similarities in each other that we feel we can relate to - islam. Islam is ultimately what shapes how we live our lives. What does it matter whether you eat rice or chapattis?? Wear a saree or salwar kameez?? It just doesn't matter.

      • Very True Siama.

        Allah says in Surah Hujurat 49, Ayah 13: "O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)."

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Well said Saima! I am sorry to hear that being mixed nationalities is affecting your chances of marrying into a bengali/ pakistani family. The asian cultutre will always be very backwards, we can never move foward in life with the likes of people like J.

  18. Salam to all,

    Am bengali married to a pakistani and have two beautiful boys, Alhumdullilah. We have been married 6 years alhumdulillah and inshallah only death will do us apart.

    In my case, my in laws were ok with the marriage and my family were having the same thoughts like any other bengali family, yet with an open mind. Once they met my husband and his family they agreed to the marriage.

    I always thought my in laws were open minded as their two daughters are married to white men. But through time i found my inlaws always think they are superior to me, and even started making comments about my family and my self, of course with the help on their daughter they really started to hate me. Long story short i had/still go through bullying from them. Although we have moved out but when they do come to visit no one speaks to me or replies back to my salam. My little boy who is now one yr old, they didnt see him till 2 months old, and then olny met him 3 times over the year. They make no effort with my children yet their daughter's child...well his the apple of their eye. I wear a hijab and their dress style is more western, so really i dont blend in with them.

    My husband is supportive of me and he sees all the effort i make with them, invite for dinner,iftar. They eat in my house my food and dont speak to me. Thats how rude thery are.

    My husband is fully accepted by my family and he is treated like a son/brother. Shame about his family.He says his parents are ashamed by his sisters. Yes am muslim, we had a normal wedding/reception so why the probelm with me? But i have sabr and inshallah hope they will make the effort to try and get to know me. They just hate me with blind eye.

    • its a shame his parents treat u in such an ill manner, and to be brutally honest, considering what happened in 71 between BD and PK, if anything, it should be your parents treating him so rudely. not the other way around. his parents should have welcomed you with open arms.
      but mashllah its nice to hear your marriage sounds like it is going well.

  19. hi..i am pakistani and the girl is bangladeshi. we both love each other from last four years. there is no difference between us. in the beginng when her parents came to know abt me n her they forcefully took her to bangladesh and tried to get her marry but she fought wit each n everyone dere. her father hates me. her mom has agreed for me but shes scared the father will never agree. so nw next year when i will be 21 i will go to bangladesh and have a marriage dere front of kazi with the mom blessing only..can someone tell me the requirements for all dis.the girl age will be 19 and me 21. i know its too early but her dad is nt leaving us wit any option. once i marry her than legally i cn bring her to me and i am sure her dad will agree later. i will make him agree. i want their blessings..my family is supprtng me..

  20. hi i am not a bengali nor am i pakistani and im also not muslim.Surprisingly i am a trinidadian christain girl feeling like im stuck with a bengali boy for one year two months now and we feel ready for marraige but i don't know whats holding us back.He promised that he will marry me in like two years from now and acts so obsessed with me and the thing is he comes to my house and hangs out with my family and he buys me ridiculously expensive gifts all the time.I met everyone of his family members and even hung out with them except the two most important ppl in his life,his parents.Now i feel like im daydreaming and i cant move ,im drowned in stress.We have a partial language barrier but i cant understand why we love each other soooo much.I really have alot more thinking to do about this situation and i really cannot suffer like one of you who wrote above me that eight years now you are stuck in the problem.I think the best thing to do is to both work hard as possible and start a joint account geared towards your marraige and stand strong together and move on with your lives.I think the parents will never accept no matter what because even i have christian family who condems me because of my bengali bf.I have researched my life out on the internet to find at least one trini and bengali couple who got married and i never saw it in my whole life.Together we have been saving so far but im soooo worried cause honestly i dont want any conflict between him and the parents but i know that his parents will still keep in contact with him regardless of his choice but im not sure if they would even look at my face and ever think that maybey this girl is good.Its a hard situation but whatever happens someone will end up losing.If this bengali man and i get married im planning to publish a new book so that everyone out there could see that just maybey all hope is not in vain.May god bless all ,the whole world every living thing i think deserves to be happy and to my fellow bengalis and pakis at least think for a while that at least you could find at least one paki and bengali couple that got married but can you show me at least one trini and bengali who got married?

  21. Asalaamualaikum,

    Ok, so ive read the long list of replies with interest. I know many people in a similar situation and to be quite frank (cos it seems no one else is!) it seems most of you are commiting a (major) sin by having relations with a person outside of marriage. How is it that you expect Allah (swt) to give you barakah in that which is HARAAM from the outset?!

    It is the WILL of Allah (swt) as to whether a marriage happens or not - so perhaps the hardship youre facing is a consequence of the relations you started to begin with?? My adivce to you all is to cease complete contact (its not that hard if you seek the help of Allah, believe me) with the other half and sincerely ask Allah for forgiveness for the sin you have commited. There can be no blessing if the start is haraam. Its like expecting a riba-based business to blessed with lots of profits. Aint gonna happen..sorry.

    But know that Allah loves to forgive. So turn to Him in sincere repentance and make being the best Muslim your priority.

    wAllahu musta'an.

    Wasalaamualaikum

  22. I agree with Itaqallah above.

    What's wrong with all of you virtually promoting this kuffar type behaviour? We are not allowed boyfriends or girlfriends. Your sense of love is misdirected.

  23. Hii...
    im in a very similar situation. im lebanese and my boyfreinds bengali. I love him alot and reallly dont see myself with anyone but him. We love each other very much and talk about getting married but my parents arent going to agree. I dont even know if his parents would agree.
    idkk what to do. I always think about it. At the end if i dont get him then i wont go for any guy

    • you could learn more about each others culture and language so that your parents know your serious about each other and there's less of a barrier.

  24. Asalamwalekum..brothers and sisters.

    I am a hindu girl.. who is going to convert to islam. I really love a bengali boy and want to marry him. we cannot live without each other. He lives with his mum who is 65 and he has 7 sisters who are all married. they are all traditional bengalis. He has spoken to them about me and they said they dont care about his happiness and they wont let him marry me.

    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

    • Ameera,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. In the meantime, if you truly want to accept Islam, do so inshaAllah and begin to lead your life by Allah's way.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  25. Sorry about the above comment
    Buy no one says anything about pakistan or pakistanis

    • Truebloood and Ahmed,

      I deleted your offensive comments towards 'other nationalities' - I will not mention which. We do not tolerate rascism on this website. I don't care if you are Pakistani, Bengali, English or Arab or whatever, I was disgusted by both your immature comments. Hajj has only just passed, where millions of Muslims of all backgrounds and nationalities lived and prayed together, that is real Islam - one with no racial discrimination. Please both of you, go and read the Prophet(sws)'s last Sermon.

      And if you want to write here, remember to bring your manners with you, otherwise stay away.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Truebloood: 'no one says anything about pakistan or pakistanis'

      If you felt this way about people of all nationalities - that would be great. There is nothing elite or special about being Pakistani or any other nationality. Our nationalities and ethnic origins are nothing but the places and communities that Allah decided to bring us into.

      Allah says in Surah 49, Ayah 13: "O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things)."

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  26. Sorry sister z for writing that , I was not going to but if u have read that comment of a anonymous person writing that

    " I m a bengali boy , I haven't met a decent *******************************"

    ************************

    The reason why I said coz was the comment was still in moderation and yet to be approved had it been trashed I would nt have said it , but I accept and apologies for what I said . Coz I have said it .

    • Truebloood,

      I've deleted most part of your comment as I dont want it to spark off a national feud between Pakistanis and Bengalis. That offensive comment written by Ahmed should never have been published in the first place, it must have been done by mistake.

      Truebloood, we cannot control what other people say, but we can control what 'we' say and how 'we' respond. Instead of becoming angry at people when they express their ignorance, think 'Alhumdulillah, Allah has given me understanding', then use that understanding to spread light and truth in a dignified way. It is not the Muslim way to retaliate or respond with offensive or abusive words. Nor is it Muslim behaviour to feel that your nationality or ethinicity is better than any other.

      Furthermore, we are taught to greet everyone respectfully including non-Muslims. Read this: “Consider his cry: ‘O my Lord! Surely they are a people who do not believe! So turn away from them and say ‘Salaam’ (Peace) for they shall soon come to know”. (Surah 43 Az-Zukhruf : Ayah 88-89)

      So if you see that your Muslim brother or sister is behaving ignorantly, should you not respond wisely to him/her too? "And servants of (Allah) the Most Gracious are those who walk on the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they say, Peace (Salaam)!” Also ponder over this: ”And when they hear ill speech, they turn away from it and say, ‘For us are our deeds and for you are your deeds, peace be upon you; we seek not the ignorant.”

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  27. Assalam. Guys...
    my uncle is bengali, however we r a bit diff. We r from old dhaka, spk urdu and most of our relatives r from afghanistan, pakistan or india. (anchestors).
    Or even turkish. Ppl who are 'shia' muslims are often from Iran (Sheraz).
    U will hardly find us in the UK or else where, cuz 'we' mostly live back home and live a diff. Life only few of us live abroad.

    However we consider ourselfs to be bengali. Bengalis dont even accept us thinkin that we are bihaaris or some other race who are residing in bangladesh. And often call pakistanis.
    We spk diff., and our culture is far diff from both, pak nd bngali..

    He really wants to get married to a proper bengali gurl bt he cnt coz it doesnt really work nd hardly ever did in our fam. If most of these ppl get married, they most likely end up divorcing each others, yrs ago ppl cudnt dvorce each other if dey were frm a diff race, they just luved seperated or their husband married another women or they tried to stick together.

    However, both of my parents are far diff from each.. My dad is a proper bangali and his dad was brought up in west bengal (india)..where my mum is an urdu spker from a pathan race living and born nd bred in Bangladesh.
    my parents have a good understanding and their marriage was love martiage. It was acceptable but both fam. Were not happy.
    My mum was hated very often in their family for spkn urdu better than bengali and for not looking bengali.

    My bro got married to a bngali woman and the fam still did not accept him.
    im married to a bngali and i really admit his fam. Is diff. They will blame u if ur look good and will always question ur beauty and my dad in law will often say: beauty isn'r everything cultural values r more important to us: wht dey actually mean is: a bengali cultured wife.

    However its not kind of not working between him and me. Because he will rather listen to his parents instead. He cnt stand up and thats bad! If he wasnt engaged to his family business and if he'd be more educated and on his own I may not go through all this.

    GURLS: no matter if bngali ot pak., make sure he has the anility to be on his own (a job,atleast)
    and do not marry any man in the absence of ur dad, because islam says not to marry anyone in the abscense of ur dad.
    please talk to both: a bngali and a Pak Sheikh or Imam. And ask thm to make ur parents understand!!

    • My family is of Pathan origin too, from Afghanistan area, and as you can guess other Bangladeshis look at me differently because I don't look like them. But I think if you show kindness and good character then people will accept you. Islam teaches us to show compassion and respect, and if you do that then you will be accepted no matter how different you are.

    • this is kind of off-topic for this page but...
      my family is from feni and we are mostly referred to as noakhailla and rarely feniwala. urdu was very much a part of our family but up to our grand parents. my parents' generation practiced urdu only because they lived in karachi when us and pakistanis were one nation. my parents knew a few native families in feni who were considered 'khandani' and used urdu as their mother tongue. i totally understand your situation. because people like you are neither mohajir (immigrants from elsewhere in the subcontinent) nor bengali-speaking. you guys are kind of in the middle. but few people (the primarily bengali-speaking type in BD) realize that there are a lot of 'urdu speaking bengalis' who are mistaken for muhajir or bihari

  28. Assalam...
    True!! I agree with sister afreen!!

    make sure he is on his own or sth! And date someone who's at least a few years older than u!
    And The idea of talking to atleast one or more pakistani and bangali sheiks and imams sounds very good!
    We can proof our parents by doin that :-)

    May Allah swa. Help us and forgive us all. Never blame Allah. Allah knows whats best for us and remember Allah loves those, who he makes suffer the most.. Its a test and by doing so; Allah will test your beliefs.
    May Allah swa. Forgive me if, what ever i wrote about 'Him' is wrong.

    Allahafis

  29. My girlfriend is Bengali and I'm Pakistani and i love
    (Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

  30. Lalimar
    November 16, 2011 • 12:57 am
    Salaam brothers and sisters

    I have read every single post on this thread, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. This nationalism, which is not accepted in Islam is a terrible thing to have over your heads when deciding your future in marriage. The dicotomy begins however with the fact that though Islam permits cross-cultural marriage (within the laws of Islamic marriage), Islam also portrays the importance of blessings from ones parents in marriage. 

    I know this feeling, as i am of Bangladeshi heritage, seeking to marry a pious and sincere man of Afghan heritage. 

    I do not know that it is the history of the south east asian countries, or war and conflict, or simply the nature of collectivist and sectarian traditions which these communities are used to, and thrive on. Its this sectarianism and replication of traditions in morals, values, food, language, clothing and all other aspects which give each community their own distinction which could be the main reason. Each community wants to preserve this, and cross-cultural marriages undoubtedly diminishes the transmission of this replication. My opinion is also that in many families, it is of the elders within the community/family setting who know no better than what these very sectarian views have instilled: that cross-cultural marriage is wrong; without ever realistically thinking about whether there is real risk or potential harm. In my opinion it is simply put down to discrimination through lack of knowledge in the Islamic teachings, and the application of these teachings to old cultural practices. 

    However having said all this, for those of you who have given a strong Islamic perspective, it is advised that we all, have faith in Allah first and foremost, for He is Al-Wakeelu, your trustee. Let Allah decide what will be for you, and do your level best to not commit Zina, or any haraam actions. The further you can distance yourself from the one you love, the closer you shall become to the One who loves you, insha'Allah. 

    Allahu'3alum, what will be. Please keep me posted, I pray that Allah will bless you with whatever is the best for you, for Allah has all the best plans. 

    Wasalaam 

    Reply

  31. what's first ?are you muslim first or pakistani or bangladeshi or urdo-speaker or bangla-speaker first ? if you want to a good practicing kitaabi muslim , you would have to muslim first. it's matter of fact you don't get so much well-islami-educated people.most of the muslim treat it as their family tradition like language,food,cloth,name.but untill people get islami education you can't say anything beacause they are much more nationalist than muslim.

  32. we need a islami nation . we need proper islami educatoin. be united.you should keep in mind a islami nation. don't be so worried about marrige. it's a responsibility to muslim.the bengali-pakistani story is neglected to a moomin-muslim bacause what's going on them before marrige?a muslim woman can't marry anybody without her muslim-family permission.if she marry without her muslim-family permission ,that's not be counted as islami marrige.you can love your non-muslim parents but don't forget islam is your first priority.marrige is farz(essential) to muslim.you can marry your choosen person.but before all of them you should follow what qur'an or hadith said.you have responsibility to your parents.you can't give up your parents only for marry .you know, a woman rejected marrige proposal from hajrat mohammad(sallalahu alaihi wa sallam).he is rasuul.he proposed to the woman.and the woman rejected the proposal !!!!!!!! why? she said to rasuul mohammad(sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)that she would to be happy if she become his wife ,but she didn't want her children were always crying near nabi mohammad(peace be upon him).she was an widow and she had children from her husband.then mohammad(pbuh) appritiated her.look she rejectrd mohammad(pbuh)'s proposal .she treated marrige as responsibility.who the better man than mohammad(pbuh).he is the rasuul.so ,don't give up your parents,family only for marrige.

    • Mahdi,

      - As Muslims, we do not need the permission of the 'family' to get married;
      - And it is not fard for everyone to marry. It is Fard on some, due to certain situations, otherwise recommended.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  33. sisterZ,
    in marrige woman need to get permission from her legally guirdian. guirdian ;- [ may be her father or brother or family or legally person or institution (orphanage or government) ] is needed for marrige.the permission is important. without talking about what qur'an-hadith said ,a logic is important, you know ,a husband is responsible for his family expence but not the wife .so that , most of the wife don't earn (it's not mean she can't earn ,in islamic family ,she is permitted to earn and use that in own way. to use her money to her husband's family is her own choice .nobody can force her to use the money to her husband's family).most woman work at home(although they are permitted to work anywhere like man with equity system and hijab).if she seperates [or separated] from her husband's family who will who take the responsibility of her ? yes ,that's her father ,brother or family.so ,why they take the responsibility of her when there is no need of permission of their ? in islami marrige there is need bridegroom's permission ,bride's permission, bride's guirdian's permission. you can't neglect any of them [yes,there is needed to follow some role and law also].marrige is not only the matter of man and woman ,it's also matter of family,society,state.

    thank you,for reply.

  34. 'Sharn',

    The problems you are having with your husband are NOT because of his ethincity. They are due to 'your' and 'his' personal issues, beliefs and personalities. Islam is completely against racial division, so please do not encourage such divsion. Instead, I encourage you to look in the mirror. Stand quietly and find your answer to these questions: 'Do you think that dating a man for 11 years was a good thing? Was it something that Allah(swt) is pleased with? After dating for 11 years, what blessings did you expect to have in your marriage?'

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  35. I'm in the same situation, my girlfriend is Pakistani and I'm Bengali & were both born and bred in the UK, with always kept our relationship halal as much as possible and with been together for 3 years. We planned to get married after Uni and when we told our parents they just straight up said no. I've suggested we ignore them but she doesn't want to lose contact with her parents. Both our parents want to pick our partners and we both said we wont marry anyone but each other. Now her parents are using the guilt trick saying if she doesn't marry the person they've chosen then they'll disown her.
    Every time we talk shes always upset and crying and that upsets me, I want her to leave her family as there not worth it but she refuses as she doesn't want to lose contact with her siblings and cousins.
    I'm scared she might end up doing something to herself the way shes been acting lately. It makes me feel angry towards our parents and I've not been talking to mine for 2 weeks now. Why cant they see that this is what will keep us happy! but all they care about is there reputations.

  36. Assalamualakum. I am a muslim girl from bangladesh and my boyfriend is also a muslim boy from india.

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  37. Romantic relations are Haram in Islam, Allah forbade us to have a contact with the opposite sex before marriage. You cannot have a girlfriend, you are man and you cannot have any contacts with a girl which is not even your wife. She is not your wife, and you committed a sin by making her your grilfriend. Dating is Haram. If you were a true Muslim, you would ask her hand in marriage to her father instead of dating with her in the back of him.

  38. Assalamu aliakum,

    Just want to say that I am a Bengali woman of 28 now, got married to a Pakistani, fought every stereotype intelligently, and used Islam the whole way. Every is ok about it, but my mother in law doesn’t like me, but then she has issues so I will pardon her.

  39. Assalamu alaikum,

    May Allah (SWT) forgive me if what I wright here is wrong in anyway.
    PRAY, PRAY, & PRAY for the marriage to happen.
    I forgot to say that I prayed a lot about it, because back then, fiancé didn't have much Islamic knowledge, he just wanted to marry me, and his family kept lying about the rules of Islam, and teaching him stereotypes, and all sorts of other derogatory things about me. I used my logical mind, and research abilities to find out what Islam really says; it's true that dating is haram, so either work on getting MARRIED ASAP or split up (I SUGGEST GET MARRIED. MOST PEOPLE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FIND ‘THE ONE’), either way REPENT, REPENT, REPENT to Allah (SWT).
    PRAY, PRAY, & PRAY for the marriage to happen.
    THE RULES
    The guy does not need his family’s permission to marry, BUT he should explain that it is his right to marry a Muslim woman of his choosing (this will fall on deaf ears most probably), however it is the truth. The guy should consult the Imam discreetly about his marriage intentions. I say discreetly because I think you should not involve other people into your own domestics, just ask him questions and let your intentions be known to a’ lover and fearer of Allah’.
    The girl/women however needs a male of her family to 'give her away', it has to be a male member of her family; the family of the girl/woman need to understand that the girl has the right to have a good husband to marry, whoever he may be (Muslim guy). The family should 'interrogate' him for a couple of hours maybe invite him over for short periods at a time over a period of a few days/weeks to assess if his intentions are true towards her, and to find out if he wants to marry and look after her truly as a good respected wife. The interrogation should involve such things like, ‘how do you intend to look after her’ etc. The family should keep asking him questions and also PRAY for guidance before they accept the marriage.
    PRAY, PRAY, & PRAY for the marriage to happen.
    If the guy, girl, and families are not ‘lover and fearers of Allah (SWT’) it won’t work very well. Just PRAY, PRAY, & PRAY for the marriage to happen.
    Allah forgive me if my advice is wrong. I hope the above makes you love and fear Allah (SWT) more. We don’t live in this world very long, i’m now 28, not perfect, but am becoming fearful that life is actually only several decades long.

  40. hi everyone, i was in the same situation as a few of the girls above.

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  41. I am a bengali girl and I have been in love with Pakistani guy for a while now. He's also Shi'ia and I'm sunni but the both of us consider ourselves just Muslims and not shi'ias and sunni's. Right now I'm in a situation where my parents will not accept anybody for me unless they choose the guy. They won't accept anyone who is not bengali and sunni. But my guy tells me not to give up. He says that we should try our best because we only have the best intentions and want to marry each other. I am so confused because it says that it is a girls right to marry whom ever she wills but it also says you can't marry without your parents permission. It also does say in the Quran that you can not discriminate based on culture ethnicity etc and you can't divide amongst yourself as shi'as and sunni's. We understand each other very well and we have also tried to look at this very practically. We have clear understanding of each other and always sit down to communicate about any thing that is bothering us therefore he says that even after marriage if there are any issues it us upto us to work it out and that the families should just be happy with our happiness. But I don't know what to do because not only do I have cultural differences we come from different sects in ISLAM as well.

    • Sister Z, I am in a similar situation. I am a Bengali women wanting to marry a Pakistani guy. But my family are not happy because my father wants to choose our partners and they MUST be Bengali. His family have accepted me because I am Muslim. But mine wont. My father doesn't know, and I want to tell him.. but my family are stopping me from telling him. I am soo desperate. They've tried to introduce future spouses for me but I have rejected all marriage proposals. I don't know what to do? And I've recently told my brother in law and he said it is ultimately about my life, not theirs. And he wants to sit down and speak with my dad. But I need to warn my sisters about this as I know they wont be happy. But unfortunately, South Asian culture is so backwards, our people care more about what people think rather than following Islam properly. I'm really scared. I've even prayed Istikhara.. And spoken with several imams. The biggest challenge is to convince my father to bless the marriage. My fear is that he might disown me. And i love my family, were very close. The Pakistani guy reckons I may lose my family and he is worried that this maybe the wrong decision to take. What do I do?

      • You shouldn't have a boy friend anyway because its against Islam that's my best solution to you.

        • Nobody said anything specifically about a boyfriend. In islam of course we are allowed to get to know some one with the presence of a relative or an elder...so no zinnah is involved. Which is something I have respected and done. And if he's trying marry me to make things "Halal" then I see nothing wrong with it.

      • Alhumdulilah Sister B I have found the answer to this after so much prayer and asking Allah s.w.t for Guidance..You are doing nothing wrong keep that in mind and if you don't mind I wish to share a link with you that really might clear your thoughts and help you as well because it really made my heart lighter and if you're father does understand and really wants to follow on the right paths of our deen then also make him and the rest of your family listen to this for it is truly heart touching..inshALLAH what is meant to be will happen. "Kun fa yakun" Allah s.w.t says "Be" and it will happen. Have faith in him inshALLAH. I was afraid that my father would disown me too but before has has that thought in his mind I want to him show me where I am wrong and for legitimate reason he would disown me. My guy was worried that I will lose my family but he said he has faith and that he will never let that happen inshALLAH. Once I got my sign I realized that I will hold my head up high and go up to my parents.. I know that they raised me and they feel that they have their rights over me and of course they do SubhanALLAH everything our parents go through for us but when it comes to this...THIS IS MY RIGHT and I will always stand up for it. I don't say this because I'm young and crazy in love I say this because I follow the Sunnah of my Rasool S.A.W he said when we marry we look for Deen first, Beauty, Wealth, and Status/ lineage. I know for sure that with the help of Allah s.w.t I have found the right man for me because I have looked at deen first. Although I do love him when I think of it all practically it's the respect that I have for him which makes me stand up for my right and the respect that he has for me keeps me stronger. Don't lost hope sister B inshALLAH if it's meant to be and things are good it will all be in your favor..

        Here's the link sister that truly brought tears to my eyes. Understand it and listen to it and share it with your family...

    • Sister, we have an Editor here by the name of SisterZ, so I prefer if you use a different username so as to prevent confusion on the part of the readers. Thank you, Jazaki Allah khayr.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  42. What u guys doing is sin. Love marriage is haram.

    marraige itself is not haraam

    how they got together (and if they crossed the limits in Islam) would be wrong/haraam

    liking someone and wanting to get married to them aint wrong

    dating/crossing the line etc is wrong

  43. Salam to all. I am also a pakistani and I was dating a bengali for a year and fell in love with him. He lived in new York and I lived In a different state. (remainder of the question deleted by the editor)

  44. Man I'm a not Pakistan, and I know this is a site for pakistan guy but i'm in the same situation and i can feel the pain of some of you. Im viet and I'm in love with this girl who is bengali but she is afraid her family won't accept me due to me not being bengali once and second is because im not islam but im willing to convert, she afraid her parent going to make her arrange marriage as she had been getting calls from people who want their son to marry her T_T im so sad....

    • @Andrew & other non muslims reading this..

      A muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non muslim man.

      Why don't you learn about Islam and revert to Islam because it is the truth rather than revert to Islam maybe for the sake of this girl.

      Did you know that we Muslims worship Allah - the only one GOD who created you and me and all that exists.

      Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

      “O mankind! Worship your Lord (Allaah), Who has created you and those before you so that you may become al-muttaqoon (the pious).” [al-Baqarah 2:21]
      __________________________
      We worship Allah.
      Allah- the GOD of Adam, Noah , Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammed (peace be upon them) and all.

      why did Jesus(peace be upon him) the son of Mary (may Allah be pleased with her) came to this earth?
      Jesus came to teach people about ALLAH. He came to teach people to worship none but ALLAH alone without associating any partners with HIM.

      Allah says
      “And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)”
      {Quran 51:56}
      _________________

      Allah alone deserves to be worshiped.
      HE has no father, mother, brother, sister or son.
      HE is not like us.
      There is no one like HIM.

      Allah says,

      Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
      "Allah-us-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks).
      He neither begets nor is born,
      "And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."

      (Quran 112: 1-4)
      __________________________

      what is the purpose of this life? just study, earn, marry, children and die or there is more to it?

      Do you know that this life is temporary?? and we will die and will be raised up again and there is going to be a day of judgement?

      Please Research about Islam. See how it makes sense inshaAllah.

      I want you to be saved from the hell fire and enter Heaven so I invite you to Islam.

      Here are some links for you where you can learn more about Islam inshaAllah
      -> quran(dot)come
      - > Invitation2Islaam(dot)wordpress(dot)com
      replace above (dot) by . and paste and search in your address bar
      __________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

    • Andrew
      I am a Bengali male myself. I am not sure where you are based in but it all will depend on her family and environ as well. If you are not a Muslim, then I am afraid that the barrier is probably an unsurmountable one. I see you are willing to convert and that might resolve a big part of the problem. However, such conversion is not really recommended. Perhaps you can study more of Islam before you revert so that it will be based on your conscious faith and not for a marriage. BTW, Muslims do not call it conversion but reversion. The understanding is that Islam is the natural religion and every human being is born Muslim but it is their upbringing that eventually takes different path. Anyway, if you can make it to Islam, I think the issue will be resolved. All what she would need is to be a little firm pointing to Islamic principle that forbids discrimination among human beings based on race, color or looks. Perhaps her Bengali friends and relations might be able to help as well. Let me know if I can be of any help in future at imhk at lavabit dot com.

  45. I am a Bangladeshi Muslim , live in Dhaka city . I have read this article . A Muslim girl can get married with a Muslim boy in anywhere of the world . In this case language , country , demography , past history etc. doesn't any factor . These are man made problem, but Islam made marriage very easy and simple .Many foreigners in Dhaka city , live in the area like Gulshan , banani , baridhara , etc. . There you will see many Bangladeshi people got married with foreigners including Pakistan , India also . And it is seen in other metropolitan areas and all over the Bangladesh .

    And yes , Bangladeshi Muslims have a good impression about Pakistan and other Muslim countries . It is not true at all that all Bangladeshi people hate Pakistan . But our people have upset about 1971 , it would be fair and better if Pakistan did apologize for 1971 .But , we should not blame Pakistan present generation for 1971 .

    Anyway , i wish you all the best my Pakistani Muslim brothers and sisters . May Allah forgive us all and give us Jannat in the after world . Inn Sha Allah , we Bangladeshi Muslims along with the Muslims of Arab , africa , india , Pakistan , Afghanistan , Malaysia , etc. shall meet together in Jannat .

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