My in-laws are making my life hell and my husband isn’t supporting me
Salaam Brothers and sisters,
I remember posting something close to Jan, when I was going through a tough time with my mother in law (MIL). I was really disturbed by her controlling nature. Everyone in her house praises her as if she is an angel and can't do anything wrong. At the moment my husband and I are not staying close or with my in laws but we have a lot of turmoil in our married life. Whenever I visit them I feel that I am being judged and my husband is constantly being told that I am not the way daughter in laws are supposed to be in our Pakistani culture.
Well things have gotten out of hand as, I do not like to keep ill feeling in my heart and since I was married they always had issues with everything. So i tried to clarify them with my husband but that did not go very well. Infact we have reached point where he refuses to hear anything. My MIL came to visit us last year, but she found fault in everything. She went back home and called up my mother and said, "what did they gain by going there?", 'they have nothing they would have been better off with us". I did not know but they were some serious issues they had. They did not want their son to go, i.e. leave them. Their whole family was blaming me that I took their son away from them etc, when it was my husband who wanted to move to a new place and start a new life. Well they have managed to emotionally blackmail him into coming back, even though we were so well settled.
But staying close to them is not my problem - it's the way sarcastic remarks are thrown at me in front of his younger siblings, etc whenever I visit. Before my husband just kept quiet, but this time when we went to visit he started yelling and screaming at me. Saying to his parents, 'see how she is, her parents are also like that'. My MIL also hated the fact that my husband helped me around the house, since I have two babies very close together. Like the once my husband decided to change my sons diaper, I accompanied him but so did MIL. She then threw a sarcastic comment at me saying looks like you hate changing nappies.Well, I flared up, because I am the one who always does it for both kids along with the household chores, so what if my husband helps every now and then? So I asked her if that is the reason she came to check on us, to see who was changing the diaper. She started screaming at me after that, and said that I am blaming her and that she came there to do some "work". At this point my brother in law was listening, and he started yelling at me saying "stop accusing my mother!", he then banged his fist in the wall and was going up to his room and said "I leaving the door open and listening'' trying to threaten me that if you say anything to my mom I'll show you.
In the midst of all this, my husband was quiet and agreed to his mom by saying that I should be the one changing nappies etc. and that its not his duty and after all I am not a princess. I could not believe their double standards, I spoke to my MIL so I was rude, but when brother in law (who's is 8 years younger than me) spoke and yelled at me the MIL just looked at him and said its ok my son relax its fine. I had a heated argument with my husband about all this in the car when we went out the next day, and he said "I divorce you" two times to me. All I asked for was the brother in law at least respect me to my face and this is what I got.
Well things cooled down after that but me and my husband were constantly quarrelling, so much that my in laws were hearing everything. They would then take their son for a drive and when he would come back he would be even more angry at me. He changed our return flight for a week without me knowing and paid $800 for it, which according to his parents is not a waste of money unless I of course spent it. When I wasn't happy about this he was like "I discussed it with my sister (she is 12 years younger to him, school going) and she had no problem with it so why do you". He kept saying "I hate where we stay ... this place is awesome ... I wish I never left my parents etc".
There have been a lot of issues between me and my inlaws since marriage, they did not even pay for my wedding dress. And every time I discuss the son gets protective about his mother and blames everything on me. I try to forget stuff and start again but then something else starts. And if I mention to my husband anything he starts saying I will divorce you and keep my kids. I feel that my husband wants me to be like his mother, in every way. My cooking for him is not good, my dressing, nothing about me, since I am constantly being compared to miss perfect. He is always like the whole family praises her, etc she can never be wrong.
Well we kind of got okay and we came back home, and then my inlaws called and I was being open to them about my son and I told them that he hurt himself by pulling a small saucer from a cupboard. And that was it my MIL started talking and saying we are very careless etc to me. I did not feel bad and then I finished talking I went to my room and when I came back they were both harping on the fact over and over to their son so I spoke and said I have childproofed everything and still he managed to get the saucer out. They thought I was very rude to tell them. They then secretly called my husband on his cell and told him things, he left the house. When he got back he was furious and said that I am rude and why did I have to clarify to them. I got very angry as everything that happens its always my fault and so I locked myself in the room. My husband thought that I was calling my parents so he called his mom and said to her that I am fighting and throwing tantrums etc. His mother just went on talking and talking against me, and then she shut th phone and called my parents. They complained about me to my father saying that I am rude and disrespectful and they told everything that had happened on the trip obviously according to their side of the story.
My parents couldn't believe as I had told them I had a good time there. They were so disheartened and broken. No one can really help me I was wondering if somebody could advise me as every time i even mention them its divorce for me, btw my husband has said that to me numerous times and he gets fatwa and says its ok we are still married, I don't know, am I divorced?.
He is okay now as we have moved back and I don't mention inlaws but he always wants me to call them and chat to them as if nothing happened and that is very hard for me as they too do not call anymore. I don't feel the same for him any longer and the only reason I'm sticking around is for the kids, because I can't believe that a man would say the divorce word over such petty issues. What should I do and what is the way forward as we are moving back close to them....Confused and hurt.
saaz
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Looks like every one is kind of immature, fighting for trivial things. What exactly is your question?
How long have you been married? It used to be 7-year itch, now couples get bored few months after marriage.
Sister,
Marriage is like one big roller coaster...some days are up and some days are down. It's hard enough when a couple are working on building their lives together however when other family members become involved or try to instigate problems, it creates a very difficult situation for everyone involved. I have witnessed in my lifetime several couples with families who thrive on creating a living hell for their daughter in law. In each case, the husband stood by...controlled by his family and did nor said nothing when an altercation arose. All of the men allowed their families to disrespect and talk to their wives in a manner that would shock many.
I was lucky...I had a mother in law who would not tolerate her son disrespecting me and she stood up for me if her son got out of line (may God rest her soul). For your husband to toss around the words, "I divorce you" as if he is ordering a Big Mac at McDonald's is absurd. Divorce is a serious matter and I imagine if it were me, I would get really tired of the empty threats. Actually as I think about it, it is really immature of any man to just blurt out "I divorce you" in anger over something trivial that can be worked out when things cool down.
It appears as if you are going through a very difficult time at home. Your husband is unwilling and unable to come to your defense in any given situation or help you in any way because he is blinded by his family. He simply cannot go against his mother. He will never change and you will have to learn to accept to live this way because it is how it is going to be.
You need to do some serious soul searching here and ask yourself what, if anything you can do to make this marriage work. If you indeed love him, suggest to him that you both go for marriage counseling. At least this way he can see that you are sincere in your desire to make your marriage work. Your biggest problem really isn't your husbands mother...it is your husband. He allows himself to be led by his nose and is unable and unwilling to make decisions on his own. He is a married man and needs to be diplomatic regarding you and his mother. It isn't easy but it is necessary. If your husband can and is willing to make an effort in how he treats you when his mother is present, you will actually have a very good chance at making your marriage work and possibly gaining the respect of your mother in law in the process.
Living in a situation such as this certainly must be draining. I will be praying for you and your family in the hopes that you might find peace and contentment and most of all the respect that you deserve.
Salam
Get out of there ASAP! Your in laws are NOT normal
OH MY LORD! I agree! Get out of that giant mess they call a family. They are the in laws from hell. Get your kids away from that psychological trama.
Assalaamualaikam
It doesn't sound like you are being treated with respect or granted your rights as a wife in Islam. Sometimes people can get so caught up in what their parents and siblings want, that they can end up ignoring the feelings of their spouse; I think you and your husband need to make a decision about your relationship without the involvement of your in-laws - the key people in your marriage are you, him and your children, so you are the people who should be able to make decisions rather than having them dictated by others.
Why not try to discuss the issue of marital counselling with your husband, and see how he reacts when he is asked to make a decision without his parents there? You don't need to be confrontational about it or give him an ultimatum; maybe say something like"I've been feeling that we haven't been getting along well recently, and I'd like to try to get professional help for it, for the sake of our family - I don't want divorce or separation, just to try to give our children a stable home". That would keep it quite neutral, not make it feel like anyone is particularly to blame, and his reaction could then guide you. If he agrees, then the two of you could go for counselling and see if your marriage can be repaired, inshaAllah. If he doesn't agree, then it may be that he isn't interested in fixing your relationship so much as in keeping you "in line", which isn't what a marriage should be about. In that case, it might be sensible to seek legal advice.
If you are concerned that your marriage may be nullified by the repeated "divorce" statements from your husband, it would be worth contacting an Islamic scholar or your local imam, who can inshaAllah advise whether your marriage remains valid. I'd recommend doing this yourself rather than relying on the advice given to your husband, as you don't know if your husband gave them all the relevant information.
I'm not sure which country you are in, but if you feel your relationship is heading towards divorce, I'd recommend you obtain legal advice in order to safeguard your rights should divorce occur - possessions and money can come and go, but it's important for you to ensure your children's wellbeing is prioritised and that you are able to maintain contact with them, as their mother.
If you or your children are at risk of physical violence or psychological abuse, it's important to remove yourselves from the situation and seek immediate professional help from the authorities.
May Allah watch over you and help you remain strong for your children.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Dear sister,
i suggest u stop arguing wid ur husband.try to make a healthy relationship with him.DO NOT EXPECT from anyone,any thing.just leave every thing to ALLAH.HE will pay u back.INSHALLAH.ignore ur in-laws.ur MIL is insecure, that u have taken his beloved son.this is typical Pakistani mother-in-law attitude(which is not justified).
I suggest u to put effort in not making ur husband against u.it will only make things more complicated. ignore ur mother in law and focuse on ur husband and children.
Regards.
Aslamualikum sister,
I hope after few months everything gone better in your life.
I read your all circumstances which you posted and just give you some more strength I want to tell you that I am going through same situation everyday.Even we are in 21st century and living in England where ways are open but still it doesn't work.
My English is not really good but probably I my word could give you more support.
I have been brought from Pakistan after marriage 10years ago (as a maid so call bahu).A week later I came here issues start arising started from here that some of my clothes from there side were given on wedding we're very thin and needed lining.They were asking me to wear them which I never then I just generally I spoke to my husband that these clothes needs lining and I can't wear them without it.without telling me in evening my husband spoke to his mum.Next day when my husband went to work she came in my room and start yelling at me that you are brain washing my son that he go against me.I got shocked what happened and what she is talking about.I just start crying couldn't understand and stop my self.She was saying I didn't make nice clothes for you.I tried so hard I didn't say that but she didn't stop.anyway my husband came home and he felt I am not making eye contact with him.He asked me in my room why u look upset and I explained him whole situation.He said ok i am going to speak to mum why did she do that but I grabbed his arm and stop him cause I didn't want my house atmosphere to be bad as it was just my first week after marriage.That was my first ever mistake which I made to stop him.Everyday my mother in law brings some hard situation for me and I was use to tell my husband this is what happened today."He just listened in half and went sleep.It started on and on"
The really bad thing is when my Mil was use to yell at me front my husband's siblings.In return they never gave me respect.One day my sister in law came in my room and start yelling at me saying "don't you feel any shame my mum is cooking on her on in kitchen you are in your room with your kid and she went in her room and listening music and stayed half a day.She was five years younger than me who was telling me to help her mother.
My husband earning is not much my father in law knew that so he start forcing me to go and find a job or do some course.That was my good luck.My English wasn't good to talk to someone or to find a job.But I done lots of courses and became nursery nurse.Now I am working part time but this time is only freedom for me away from house.I don't feel like to come home.I have two kids one 7 full time school and one18 months which stays with my mother in law when I go my work.when I got job my father in law start asking me money to pay bills.i was just earning £6 an hour and worked 16 hours per week.how could i pay him?
"One thing which I didn't mention is I never ever replied them back or answer them back whatever situation arrised and I am still doing the same.mostly I stay quiet but still they always find some issues and keeping my husband against me.many time I tried to commit suicide but when I thought of my own parents then I stopped.
I tried so hard to apply for council housing but firstly my husband didn't want to move out and secondly his parents didn't let him to move out.My husband complete mummy's boy.he never listens against her.when ever he needs anything he goes to his mum rather then me.She cooks by herself never lets me to and always complains to my husband.He never spends time with me.because she never let him,she sits where we sit even don't feel any shame to sit in middle of us,she interfere what we talk about.
I only hope with my Allah one day it will be my day in sha Allah.she is 56years old how many more she can make my life miserable or may be my time will come before hers.
I love my husband no matter what and my kids.I am doing my part sincerely in sha Allah will be rewarded one day.
I can't share with my mum because her medical health isn't good and my sisters are too young to understand.if I take any stand it will effect on my sisters marriages when they will.Crying everyday only front of Allah.worse thing is my Mil and my sister in law is after my kids now.she never lets them to watch TV or let them play indoors and outdoor.I am keep telling my kids off all the time.for the toddler she never moves things around(breakable or dangerous) which are accessible for him as he started walking and end of the day yelling at me that I am not a good mother I don't look after them properly.i don't teach them manners.i am so frustrated don't where to go and what to do.
Sister for your situation you decide you want to stay with your husband.I think it's not your husband s fault or neither mine.Its their mums who controlling them and In sha Allah one happy day will come for us.
sister if in laws cause issues small or big i should talk calmly.nicely to your hisband not ask him to make war with gamily member just explain i dony want to upset anyone as.i am your wife but if you sit down with love as a son or brother etc its more easy to listen and take positive action. that way husband doesn't see i as aggressive or a troublr causer but sees u as an respectful wife etc. but u get what i want a husband who stands up for u by having a ptivate word with individual plus the family will see hear he supports u and speaks up 4 u.x.b clever
Salam Sister,
I have been through similar things and worse. I know its one year later now but in case you read this here is my advice:
1) Go to counselling. Even if he refuses to go, you go yourself. They will give you strategies to deal with this.
2) Read the book: Toxic In-Laws. Read the book: Communication miracles for couples. Read the book: 5 love languages.
3) Train yourself to be STRONG. By this I mean DO NOT REACT to anything that they do or say. Even if your husband threatens divorce, dont react, dont argue. When you react, they have control over you. CALM CALM CALM. Dont react. I dont know what country you live in, but if its in a western country, simply saying I divorce you 3x does not count. Make yourself so strong that you dont even care about their words. I know its hard but you can do it. Out of everything that I advise you this is the MOST important thing. Dont REACT. Change the topic of conversation tactfully.
4) Train yourself to be an expert in communication. Learn strategies to deal with criticism. Read on the internet. Google: how to assertively deal with criticism centre for clinical interventions. Do the worksheets. Practice practice practice these skills. Your husband and in laws are going to criticize you all the time, so if you learn how to communicate with them in a non defensive manner you will see an improvement. Google how to respond to criticism effectively and also google non defensive communication. Also learn VALIDATION skills. This is key to learning how to deal with your husbands anger. Ask your counsellor to teach theses skills. Once you do them, at least you know you did your part.
Example: Husband says: why did you speak rudely to my parents when they were worried about our child getting hurt in the cupboard. Your response: I can understand that you would feel upset if you thought that I spoke rudely to your parents. OR Wow, Id be really upset too if I felt that someone close to me was not being cared for properly. ---Basically you need to VALIDATE a part of what they are saying in order to calm them down. Then you validate more and more and more and then you tactfully change the subject: Hey are you hungry? Did you see yesterdays basket ball game? You talk about how your feel LATER. When he is calm. In a specific way: When you (describe the behaviour without any blaming), I felt (describe feeling).
These skills take time and practice. they will make a difference.
Get help from a counsellor to learn these 3 things: VALIDATION skills, NON DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION, HOW TO DEAL WITH CRITICISM EFFECTIVELY. You need to become a MASTER of these skills.
5) Dont let what they say to you consume your mind. Focus on you, do what makes you happy.
6) When you speak to in laws on the phone, dont give them too much information they will use against you. Keep it very formal. Dont share valuable information. Dont react. Even if they make up lies about you, let them. Dont react. Even if your husband questions you, first VALIDATE: wow, id feel really upset too if someone told me that my spouse did _____. I know how upsetting that must be. I assure you I did not do that. Lets go get some dinner.
Dont react to anything they say. Eg if your MIL comes with you and ur husband to change the diaper. Dont ask her things like: did you just come here to see who was changing the diaper. Turn that situation around by ignoring any comments from her. Focus on you and your child and be happy. She is trying to get you to react with her comments. DONT let her win. Everytime you REACT she WINS. Let her comments ROLL OFF YOUR BACK. Its NOT WORTH IT.
Stop talking to your husband about issues from the past eg. how they didnt pay for your wedding dress. DONT MENTION THIS AGAIN. If they dont buy you things or treat you well, train yourself not to care. Buy yourself things. Treat YOURSELF well. Stop expecting things from these people. They will never meet your expectations so you need to get rid of your unrealistic expectations.
7) Do what you can to make it work. At the end of the day if you do your part, you will know you tried your best.
8) If your husband is not abusing you, then treat him well for many months, read 5 love languages the book, dont react to any bad comments from him, practice your communication skills, go yourself to counselling, and see if in a few months things change. Dont expect them to change right away, but keep doing your part.
I wish you the best of luck my dear sister. In marriage, we need to learn these skills above and it takes a very very strong person to do this.
I pray that everything works out for you.
S
Sister I just read your previous post from 2013 where you mentioned he hit you across the face.
If you are in a situation where you are being physically or mentally abused you need to get out. Seek legal advice prior to and make a plan for what you will do.
After reading your first post it sounds like your MIL has narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately your husband sees his parents as angels and most likely always will.
If your husband is not abusive, then follow my advice in my previous post, seek counselling and even legal advice would be good too just in case. Try to limit your interactions with your in laws.
Dont worry, Allah is always with you.
S
Salam sisters
[Editor's note: The first paragraph of your comment was removed due to use of potentially offensive language. Please avoid swear words and generalising statements which could be offensive to others.]
Ok not first things first since you know that this is a common pattern that means its like a chapter with step by step instructions on what to do how to do when and how much to and in front of whom to do kinda stuff practised by your inlaws and sibling inlaws. Observe that each one of them would have a certain character and a certain TASK to keep you occupied one woulf provoke you other would just stay silent one would try to be your balm applyer beware of this one as this one comes close to you when you are emotionally down and gets information from you and passes on so that they can plan the next step to torture you
so since now u know its a DELIBERATE ACT relax and NOW ITS UR TURN TO PLAY THE GAME . first from now on since u know they are staging a drama you start acting as well. dont take things to ur heart. Be firm this time set up a timetable for ur children education wise and outdoor time and time with u as well indoors as they wil try to keep ur kids away from you to control them as they do with between u and ur husband. Cook once a time a day and follow the rest of the day with UR SET TIMETABLE dont yell or scream just say ur doing it for ur children .
as for ur dear hubby after u have a timetable to spend ur day with ur kids and spending A SET TIME TO DO UR HOUSECHORES AND JUST DO WHAT U CAN FOR URSELF COOKING FOR INLAWS AND TRY TO KEEP URSELF BUSY WITH UR KIDS I KNOW it wil b tiring but better to b tired doing ur children work than theirs . And during this time if they provoke u in no matter what way answer them firmly BUT THE VERY NEXT SECOND COME BACK TO NORMAL TERMS AND KEEP THIS BEHAVIOR OR YOURS AS A STABLE BUT CONTINUOUS ONE as u are now setting your drama stage inorder for them to understand that you have a pattern of life. once hubby comes home dont show any emotion say hello have a smile that confuses him dont make eye contact show u care for him ask for food and stuff but try avoiding eye contact but body language shud be firm and UNCARING he will notice it if he doesnt dont worry about it bcuz if he really doesnt care that you aint making eye contact then why shud u care u care about him as much is a must . rest spend time with ur children.
serve him food ask how his day was talk to him normal dont complain about family and keep this pattern continuous when he finally asks about u not being affectionate say that u are losing interest and wud like to go visit ur friends rather than all the time visitng his family . here i wud strongly suggest that u find friends who come from educational backgrounds that ur husband may find interest as well coud be same sport likes, same food/restaurant or anything that hubby in interested in this wud help to divert his attention in spendng time with friends and reduce visits to his parents house
yes we cannot cut off completely but this wil help for sure but remember time wil heal as ur children get older their behaviour wil turn towards ur children and not u so prepare and train ur children before hand .
ALSO PLEASE POST THIS OR SUGGEST THIS TO ANYONE AND EVERYONE U KNOW GOING THRU THIS ABUSE TO GENERAL PUBLIC AS IT HAS BEEN ENOUGH NOW AS NO MORE OF ABUSE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS!
Allahu Akbar and fight for this right of living a respectful married life! ameen
It could be your ages. Your husband is probably hurt that his parents don't like you. I have had similar experience with my husband. We used to fight all the time in our 20s and now in our 30s we are happy. I hope you and your husband work it out. You talk a lot about what you are feeling try to see how he is feeling it will help. If you give him compassion he will give you the same back. And it's hard for a man when their parents don't like their wife they take it harder then a woman would. And make sure you give compassion but also ask for his respect. If he can't respect you and you can't respect him then leave him cause it's not good for kids to see parents fight.
I was also very disturbed when I read your email. Your MIL sounds jealous, your husband is so immature is alarming. These fits of anger sounds horrible and I would be concerned if it lead to physical harm. Your in laws want to control you and it sounds like they want to lower you so you appear meek. They are not accepting of you and they seem resentful of you. Your husband should stand up for you. I have heard your story before. One marriage ended in divorce and the wife remarried and was very happy. Another marriage involved the wife sticking it out for the kids but the in laws tried to taint her reputation and they continued to be difficult. in my opinion, your in laws sound dangerous. I would be concerned for your mental health and your children.