Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In love and confused. How can I understand that muslim man?

unhappy woman with laptop %photo

"When I told my mother about this man she sent me e-mail which depressed me deeply."

I fell in love with a muslim man. He came into my life when i even couldn't suppose it. I was in difficult situation that time because studing in foreign country- far away from my family and friends, so i was forced to trust only myself and people who didnt know at all.

I realized that after that time of my education will finish soon- 3 months after met him, everything will be normal again,I will come back to my country. So I believed that time was not good for emotionally engaging.

He lived in his country with his muslim family and working there. I met him during holidays, we was talking , i met some people from his family, he said that want to visit me, I said that I agree, but wanted he came to my homeland better where i have family and friends, because country where i stayed that time for studies was foreign for me and there I was concentrated only for my education.

It was very important for me to not disappointed my mother, who care about me and my future too. So when I told her about this man she sent me e-mail which depressed me deeply, she became despotic, wanted to manipulate of my feelings, she simply said that dont want to hear nothing about a Muslim man in my life, that she was carring about me all my life and dont want now i ruined all of this and all my life. Actually i am sure that she wasnt right, but that time it was the worst thing she could said and it broke my heart deeply. I was in doubt and in trouble, I felt myself too weak to resolve it.

I felt that I really like that man, we was talking by phone after our meeting then he tried get visa and after he get, came to visit me in country where I studied. We was talking about Islam, He wanted I convert to, but I explained him that I am Christian, my family is from this, i grow up in this culture and is not possible for me to change it from day to day. I had hope that he understand my decision and also I promised to read Koran, I was sure it let me to be more close to Himself and let us to understand each other. We was talking too about marriage, but he was sure that as muslim can't marry christian girl and I also didnt know that in Islam it is permitted. Our relation became closer (but no sex,he wanted it but I refused because I didnt want it before marriage).

He wanted to came to my family house. I felt I really love him and want to give him myself as a wife but I didnt feel safety, maybe didnt trust him at all. He hasnt told his family about going abroad for me, he just tried to convinced me to go with him to his country and left my studies. He is older 4 years that I am but his behavior sometimes seems to be not mature.

Anyway I felt that I found happiness, he was support and believeness for better life and hope. I think that for woman it is nothing more beautifull like can devote herself for family, have a good husband and children that can care about.I was able to take that big challenge which is create multiculture family, I could agree our children would be muslim too.

The time he must came back to his country was coming closer and I felt really depressed, I felt like he would leave me forever, whatever he was right and kind for me and talking about our future relationship.

Then he came back to his country, I came back to my country at last and I tried to move on with my life and forget him, because I believed it would be better for us and for our families, but I have never forget him. I was doing everything was right for my mother , i had finished next year of studies with the best marks so she was proud of myself. But I start to feel that I am not honest to myself because I feel realy lonely and still love this man and still want to be with him. So I have packed my bags, said my mother that I go for holidays. It wasn't spontaneous decision, I was planning it as I was missing him everyday.

I call him, and he asked if I want he came to meet me,but he wanted came during night so I told that is better next day. He came with his best friend that is very close with his family. But during this meeting he had ignored myself as I felt he played because this men who I didnt know before. I felt very sad and disapointed. All my hope has expired when he told that has engaged with muslim girl. It has happen two months after our previous meeting. He said that dont want this marriage but his family want.I respect his decision but I dont understant, for me marriage is not business, it should result from the need of heart.

I feel like with him I lost everything.I cant do more for us so I suffer. After that meeting he said that he dont want me to be sad and he is very happy that saw me.I feel really confused and disappointed.

I try to move on in my life again but it is not simple after that experience. The time I spent with this man it was the most beautifull time in my life. It is more difficult as I cant change what I feel. I believe that God will show us good way.

I want to know your point of view for that situation.

This page is very helpfull for me to know better islam culture.

Thank You for Your attention.

- anne


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9 Responses »

  1. Salaam Anne,

    I am sorry for this experience that you have had.

    You have been very innocent in all of this, and you were taken on a ride with a man who later, changed his mind and moved on with his life. You now feel heartbroken and you feel that you have lost something valuable and special and true, but what you need to realise is that all of these feelings have come from you and not as a result of this man that you met.

    When we have hopes and dreams and romantic visions, what we do is that we experience those things and we use other people as a tool to experience it with. What happened here is that you have this vision of a beautiful future, of deep love, of a family - and when this man came into your life, you saw him as your road to that happiness. Therefore what you loved was your own vision of a future - not this man specifically. To explain further: you are like a painter, and the people around you are like a canvass - you paint the image onto them of what you want to see, and you painted this man to be the ideal man, the true love, the road to a beautiful family. What you must do is recognise that all of that came from you - your paintbrush. Your emotions can happen again: with another person who will give you more than what this person has given you.

    Your mother reacted strongly to what you told her, because she was far away from you. If she had been close to you, she could have looked at your face, heard your voice, seen your behaviour, known what time you are getting home etc etc - but because she was far away she had to be very strong with you to keep you on the right road, and she did keep you on the right road - because it is never a good idea for a girl who has no family around her, or no one looking out for her to trust a man that she knows very little about and let him into her space.

    Islamically, a Muslim man may marry a Christian woman, although culturally parents usually prefer for people to stay within their religion, or their culture, and also many Muslim men would rather be with a woman who follows the Islamic guidelines in dress, behaviour and so on and so forth. Male and female should not touch at all before marriage.

    For you, I would first of all recognise that you have a beautiful capacity within you to love, and you will find a healthy avenue to release those feelings with a new person. For now, it's important that you allow yourself time to grieve over the future vision that you have lost, and get over it before you find another person. Relationships should be easy, you should feel very natural and comfortable around the person, there should be a great deal of trust between you and you should be able to imagine this person really really getting on with the characters in your family, and they should see the same in you. Relationships that blossom should not be a hard and arduous process that we have to exhaust ourselves with. Once you find such a person, then you can start thinking about moving it forwards.

    For now, you need to let this guy go and release yourself from the vision that you had of a future with him. Allow yourself to be upset, give yourself some time - and then move on in happiness and peace in your heart.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. Hi Anne

    I am sorry for the pain you have felt.
    Let this man go he's clearly moved on. You too should move on life is a test for everyone. Just be yourself concentrate on being you and you will find someone decent as the pain of your experience is healed. Forget the past move on with the present as things happen for a reason. Your mother was only doing what was right to keep you in the correct path and you concentrate on your studies to get good marks and not disappoint her. Your mom obviously loves you dearly and you are never alone because you have a strong relationship with your mum. Your trust has been broken but in time you will overcome this and be a stronger person.

    I wish you good luck and all the best for the future.

  3. Hi Anne,

    Because you rejected him and rejected his invitation for Islam for so long, despite he loves you he thought that he should no longer try this and he should marry someone else.

    He says that he does not want, but his family wants. This means he still loves you, but he is disappointed that you rejected his offer. And this also has caused him to engage another person, which makes the situation more difficult.

    Now he is engaged, but not married. So, he can still end that engagement and marry with you. But as he still unsure about your attitude, and as now he is engaged and ending it and explaining it to his family and other party is very difficult, he is hesitant. But as he loves you, he can't reject you determinately.

    If you accept Islam, practice it, and show a kind and reliable approach to him, he may again consider marrying you. Tell him that you will do this, and do it!

    Of course this is not good for the person he engaged, but ultimately besides you, he may feel also more happy with you.

    What I would suggest, accept Islam, practice it sincerely, show your commitment, Allah will help all of you inshallah!

    Lastly, I congratulate you for keeping your modesty and rejecting his offer for sex before marriage.
    And it is very sad that as a Muslim he offers this, it is a very big sin, and very immoral.
    I hope with your practicing of Islam much better then him will make him also repentful for that, and I hope Allah will reward you many times more!

    Best wishes..

  4. @ Replier how can you say he rejected Anne when he was after one thing!! I would run a mile and not have him anywhere near me or a guy like this type. He's not a decent guy more like a player. Anne do not give in count your blessings you been saved for a reason and I truly believe you should move on now he’s getting on with his life cos if he did have feelings for you like a decent guy would then he would have told his parents and made it official engagement marriage as in Islam sex before marriage is a major big deal it’s a big sin.

    I wish you good luck for the future Anne

  5. baby girl! never, never Give up God or ur roots unless you talk to God and that is what the lord wants you to do. Im sorry i cant agree w/ converting to islam becuz i too am dating a muslim and love him dearly. However, my relationship w/ the lord will not be touched nor my beliefs for any man! I am sound on who I serve have seeked His face and He has shown Himself real to me in just the way I am. I will not trade Him out our sell Him out for no man! If he clearly moved on so quick let it go! Blah his family crap! Im hispanic and have some spice to my blood.... Christian or not! But can u imagine some guy always being manipulated by family. Oviously he knew you meant bussisnes when u stepped out of ur house for him. So if love would of been their he would of stepped it up as a man. but some guys move quicker then others nothing to do w/ muslim that's just all men in general. and women too! seek God and give it all to Him and he will never disown you or manipulate you. His love is perfect, never ending and guess what you dont have to change religion he loves us just where we are w/out having to do nothing. love is love and changing for someone that would never make you happy.. wearing long clothes being something ur not. unless you get that revalation from God and confirmation to change to muslim dont play w/ fire. Sometimes, just sometimes moms are right! Be true to yourself! Sure he was a great guy and you had an awsome time together but w/out the consent of ur parents and their blessing it will be dumed to failure. the blessing is very imporant in Christianity and muslim too! Parents to them are prophets! Listen! Put this in Gods hands and remember if he loves you he will love you just the way you are just like Jesus does! i pray you find your answer but my your hope be found in God first.

  6. Anne,

    From what you told, I understand that this guy is not a player, and has really wanted to marry you. He even wanted to come to see your family. Maybe your rejection of this may caused him to think that you are not serious but a player.

    You show interest in him, he trusts you and wants to marry you, then you say you can't change your religion (despite you know that he can't marry a nonmuslim). So this causes him again to think that you are not serious, or not ready to take that level of commitment. You should either stayed away from the start, or your continuing interest may cause him to feel that you consider accepting Islam, just time and suitable environment is needed.

    Of course you probably thought that he may accept you without converting, and you continued your close attitude. And he interpreted your close attitude as you are ready to accept Islam. So probably there had been a mutual misunderstanding, which caused disappointments later on.

    In Islam, marriage with Christians and Jews is allowed, but it is still discouraged. Moreover Islamic societies today are strictly against this. (A further problem sometimes is that today many Christians today are not really Christians, fall into the category of not allowed.)

    The fact that this guy can demand sex before marriage (may Allah forgive him, and show him the right way) shows that rather than the Islamic ban on marrying nonmuslims, his rejection is more due to the expectations of his family and his environment.

    Moreover, he probably legitimized this sin in his mind thinking that he needs it in order to understand whether you are serious with him, or a player. (As you rejected accepting Islam, and rejected to introduce your family). I think he may even thought that he would just offer it and if you accept he would understand that you are really ready to marry with him, and then as it is a very big sin, he would not do it. He may just used it to understand your commitment. If this is the case then he is more innocent.

    On your part I understand your difficult situation. I appriciate your obedience to your parents, which is also very important in Islam. Regarding your mothers attitude, it could be much more positive if you could build her trust with the guy in a gradual manner. Otherwise, mothers want to protect their children from uncertain and dangerous threats, and can react when they can't feel safe. And they can usually "over"react, especially compared to fathers, (but when approached kindly they can accept more easily).

    Another psychological difficulty on your part is that women generally *feel shy *can't take big decisions just by themselves *and can't go strongly against their parents/husbands (which are basically good things). And in Islam, for example, it is recommended that for girls who are unmarried before, the boy and his family want her from their parents, her parents ask the girl about this, and if the girl keeps silence and not rejects it means she approves. This is a kind and modest way of approving.

    So here, it seems you find it difficult to go against your parents and accept his offer just by yourself, despite you would like to marry him. And your hesitant and rejecting manner, and not taking enough commitment makes him disappointed.

    In short, I think you both like each other, and want to get married and live a life together. And I hope you can achieve this.

    Anne, from what you say I feel that you can accept Islam, but have certain fears due to your family, environment etc. If you really don't think you can accept Islam, then your approach to him can create much bigger problems and disappointments.

    And from what he says it seems he still likes you, but broking his current engagement requires a very big commitment, and he wants to see your level of commitment. How can he know that he again approaches you but won't again reject Islam and his offer?

    What I would recommend you is that, (considering that you can accept Islam):

    * First, you should build trust. This requires sincerity and commitment. When you show this consistently, gradually you will gain his trust. And you also need to see whether he does the same. Whether he can again really be serious with you. To achive this, for example step-by-step (do it gradually so both of you can prepare yourself for the next and more difficult level of commitment):

    - (your visit to him was a good first step to show your interest in him, and showing your commitment)

    - say him that you consider accepting Islam, but you need his help. I think he will feel happy to hear this, he will start thinking going with you again, but feel difficult due to his current engagement, and will want to see whether you are really committed.

    (By the way, never fall into the trap of emotional backlashes, interpreting one of his actions negatively, and showing strong reaction. It can severely harm the process of building trust. Unless you really and really understand that he does not want, be patient and interpret everything positively.)

    - then start practicing compulsory aspects of Islam gradually. Stop drinking alcohol for example, and mention him later that you don't drink for three weeks etc. Start dressing more conservatively, if he can see your facebook profile. Practice fasting one day, and mention somewhere in your talk how was it etc. Ask him some questions about Islam. Ask him to suggest you how to learn praying. A few weeks later mention that you started praying and now do pray everyday etc. And during this process you can understand his approach.

    - mention him about other things that shows your care and commitment

    >> But both of you should increase your level of care and commitment gradually to prevent disappointments, and approach each other in an understanding manner in case of any problems

    * I don't know how in your case your relationship with your parents go, but you should find a way to make them feel confident about Islam, and feel that as Muslims you want to keep best relationship with them. Allow that guy also to gradually gain your parents trust. He can first contact and see your parents close friends or your relatives. They will mention about him to your parents. Then he can send a kind gift during a muslim festival for example. Then at another important time (maybe another ceremony, an illness etc) he may visit your parents.

    Anne, this could be the very nice way. But if your parents are still against Islam, and if you believe in Allah, you should not obey them but to Allah, as obedience to Allah comes before everything. It can be difficult, yes, but no doubt Allah will reward you much better. But of course, I hope even your parents accept Islam in time.

    In summary, I think with sincerity and commitment, in time you can achieve to save this nice friendship. I hope it goes for your whole life, and bring happiness to both of you.

    Please inform us what happens.

    -a person in a similar position-

  7. Thank You for all advice, understanding and kind words.
    I pray to God all the time and have hope in him. I want to make it clearly, I feel strongly connected with Christianity, practice and get a lot of support from it.
    I would rather expect from my future husband he accept me how I am, not want change me. Otherwise I would have to constantly prove that I am sufficiently good for him.
    Time goes by, there is no changes between us, that is difficult as we live in different countries and have no oportunities to meet each other in everyday life. I was talking to his friend by internet and he told that this man is already married. It is not compatible with what he said during our last meeting. The wedding should be about February next year. So I dont know what to think about it, someone is lying to me, maybe he only played with me. I feel too weak to fight for this feeling . I need more interest from him. to save relationship. I still have no sign from him , he didnt confirm his marital status.

    To Muslim: I dont drink alkohol and modest way of dressing is no problem for me, it is my everyday life.There are many stereotypes that show christian or west- culture woman in bad light. If we look for the world that way we sometimes would miss the true.

    • Salaam,

      Anne, this man is the classic example of a selfish and coward Muslim man who has his fun before marrying who his mother picks. I almost fell into that category too, but All Praise be to Allah, I was able to fight off the shaytaan and do the right thing.

      It's very easy to commit a sin like this, but what sickens me is that people do not feel any guilt doing it at all, some justify it with ridiculous excuses as well.

      As for marriage, usually in most Muslim countries and in most Muslim cultures the gap between engagements and weddings are minimal. In fact many people do both in a week or a fortnight where I'm from.

      You will find a good man, just don't fall for fools like this man.

  8. No intention to hurt any one's feelings, but there r many aspects to DEEN than religion, lifestyle, marriage, family, et al alone. Its obviously a matter of PERSONAL CHOICE in Islaam which advocates "no force/compusion in DEEN/religion", but suggestion/invitation is allowed anywhere feasible.

    So on this note, I'd advice all of u & others to "HONESTLY SEARCHING/SEEKING THE TRUTH" watch a few videos/debates/lectures (AVAILABLE on YOUTUBE) by various theological experts from different religious faiths (EG, Ahmad Deedat vs Swaggart, Zakir Naik vs Sri Sri Ravishankar, etc). THIS IS ONE OF THE LATEST EFFECTIVE & EFFICIENT PRACTICAL TRENDS FOR CLEARING common-human DOUBTS & OTHER ISSUES, CLEARING MISCONCEPTIONS, & APPLYING PRACTICAL REAL-LIFE CONSIDERATIONS FOR PEACEFUL NON-VIOLENT RELIGIOUS HUMANE CO-EXISTENCE IN THE MODERN WORLD.

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