Islamic marriage advice and family advice

In need of marriage advice

sad-man-and-rain

As-salam alaykum

I am a 30 year old man who has been married for 1 year 6 months and I am unhappy and in need of some advice.

I met my wife on an online marriage site. We got to know each other on the telephone (mainly) and seeing each other a few times. After about 6 months my mother fell ill with a terminal illness. Due to this I told her my mind was not in the right place to get to know someone but she said that she was willing to wait and stand by me during my time of need.

After a little time she asked for my details to pass on to her parents just to let them know that she had found someone and tell them about my situation and that she had to wait.

During this time we continued to get to know each other as we had before. She seemed like the person I wanted to marry. She was happy to live at home with my parents, she understood that my deem was not 100% and she seemed to be the right choice in getting married. She told me that she prayed and read the Quran and I saw this as a way to help me improve my Deen. She said that she was happy to look after my parents and to form a bond with my sisters. I have a close relationship with both so this was important.

My late mother and are were close so I told her that I had met someone and told her when she gets better she would see her son get married.

After about a year of my mothers illness my dad said he wanted to move the wedding talks forward and that he would like to met her parents.

I lost my mother shortly after this but the wedding went forward even though the families had some difficulty setting a date.

After we got married I saw the real her. She is miserable and has no drive. All the things she had said before we got married did not materialise.

She does not always look after my father, (does not want to ask if he wants breakfast in the morning), she is not praying her prays even when I ask her to, she has not once picked up her Quran, she is always unhappy and wants to go out all the time. I asked her to help me pay towards the Morgage which she refused ( I have taken a second job to do so). We are always arguing about money, her wanted to spend time together out side of the house, her unwillingness to do things around the house and her listening to my elder sister.

I have spoken to her mother about her issues once but nothing changed.

To give a fair picture, she does look after me; ironing my work clothes, making me lunch for work and making sure I am well (health wise) I am not a old fashioned man and do my fair bit at home cook cleaning etc.

I am unhappy with my marriage. I am trying so hard to make our marriage work. I agree to do things that she asks even if I say no at first, I do things she asks of me, I stick up for her to my family.

I am seriously unhappy, and do not know what to do to make our marriage a happy one. I am scared to start a family in this unhappy environment.

What I need is to Know is what can I do to make our marriage happy, where do I stand Islamicly with regards to my unhappiness. I am trying to avoid divorce as my late mother taught me this is haram and should be avoided. But I am at a point where I do not know if there is another option.

Please help me. I am willing to try everything.

sham786710

 


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5 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum, a few things: you cant make or ask her to contribute financially. Islamically shes within her rights to keep her money to herself so no, you can't ask that of her. It would be helpful if she did that, but its your role so you cant fault her for that its not her role. Its not haram to get a divorce but I don't think thats the answer here. Also whats wrong with her wanting to spend time with you outside the house? Sounds like she wants quality time without the family always around - take her out for a meal, have an overnight stay, talk and bond as a couple. I would say get counselling by a non biased professional also- when its family members or someone you know even if they try not to take sides - its natural they will. It sounds like you need a kind, honest talk. If shes doing a few things for your father accept that- a daughter in law has the right not to do anything for them if she doesnt want to, but it's wrong for her to say she would beforehand and then she doesn't. But pay attention - is she really doing nothing? Or is she doing some things ? You cant expect her to do it all, if its absolutely nothing then remind her thats what she was happy to do and talk to her in a non confrontational way. In sha Allah it works out for you

  2. Assalamu alaykum, it looks like you have a wrong understanding about how marriage works in Islam. Your wife should be the queen in the house and not your housemaid. How can you except her to look after your father and ask him what he wants for breakfast? Islamically she has no obligations towards your father or sister. It's your responsibility to take care of your father and your wife. So next time you ask your dad what he would like for breakfast Insh a Allah or ask your sister to take care of her father, it's also her responsibility not your wife's!!!! Islamically your wife doesn't have to listen to your sister or obey her in anything she says!!!

    You said she is not praying and not practicing. Do you pray yourself? Are you a good example? ?? You take morgage which is HARAM, you can't do haram yourself and except anything good!! You want your wife to pay towards your morgage which is Haram, you can't force her to do HARAM. Even if it wasn't HARAM Islamically it's your responsibility to take care of her financially, so not the other way around. If she choses to work her money is hers and she can decide how to spend it!!

    She wants to spend time outside the house, it's her right to spend quality time with her husband alone outside the house, nothing wrong with that!!! It looks like you have a wrong picture how a marriage should be. You need to inform yourself about your wife's rights in Islam and stop doing haraam (morgage ).

  3. Salam .. you sound like a dictator......who said her job was to cook clean 24/7 Islamically she has more rights then you ...maybe if you lived by example she would see the good in you..The prophet Muhammad was so kind and talked soft .He did housework too But he never criticized anyone about anything.....SHAITAN is the one who is the 3rd person between you...It is upto you how you make your home.....Women needs to be shown love and respect not just a slave. .you hAve to learn Islam the way prophet Muhammad has show us....Life becomes very hard when there is know gu dance such as prayon at the missue reading daily quran and sitting with wife and reading a few hadith collectively. We also must know if we are living in interest watching bad things doing bad things and eating doubtful food.All this has effect on individuals .Read manzil daily if you are both effected by jinn blk MAJIC etc.....Trust me it is very common with people today for they don't even know ..learn the etiquettes of reading manzil or just listening to it..

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  4. She is your wife, not your mother and not your daughter. She doesn't have to ask your father what he wants for breakfast. Why can't your sister do that? Or why can't you do that? It doesn't sound like she is disrespectful to your father or speaks harshly to him.

    Your wife does not need to obey your sister.

    If you wife promised before marriage to contribute financially toward the household, and has now refused, then you should have a discussion with her. If your wife did not so promise, then you may be stuck with the situation as is. However, why would she contribute to the mortgage when you have a father and a sister who can also contribute? She does not have to pay for their expenses.

    I think it is perfectly normal for her to want to go out with you in the evenings. She wants to spend time with you because you are her husband and she is married to YOU - not to your father or your sister.

    she should of course be nice and get along with the extended family since everyone is living together. But it does not seem like that is a problem.

    So I think you need to re-evaluate what it means to have a "wife" and what it means to be married. Once you do that, you may find that your happiness increases.

  5. Assalam alaikum brother..

    Let me tell you few things out of little knowledge of islam which i am perusing only bcs you said you were ready try anything. Tragedy is we never ask about our religious status when we are happy then Allah makes us unhappy and then we go to guidelines. I am not making you more depressed but trying to make u realise your mistakes. Brother it is major sin to engage in any pre-marriage relationship with strange women. When I say it is Haram, it also includes chatting through text or voice and meeting. It is haram and prohibited. For your information, it is a greater sin than divorce. First of all you shouldn't have gone through online to find your lifepartner and secondly you shouldn't have involved in pre-marriage relationship. Unfortunately i think you both had long time relationship before marriage. You should have asked some scholars before getting into such pre-marriage relation.

    However brother, now that sin is committed and you are in a big trouble. My suggestion is to stop thinking about divorce. Allah hates that. First repent to Allah for the major sin happened from your end. Feel guilty for the mistake before repentance. Then increase your good deeds brother and turn to Allah. Establish 5 times of salah daily without fail and Read quran. Very importantly recite this dua from Quran, " اَسْتَغْفِرُ اَللّهَ الْعَظِیْمَ" "Asthagfirullah Al Alheem". Also find a right time and tell your wife to recite the same. Need to recite this whenever you get free time (hope you will do this since you were ready to try everything). Pray Allah to give happiness in your marriage life. Insha Allah i promise you brother, go wherever possible, you will not get a better solution for your problem. Please let me know if you need further info on repentance and guidelines on that.

    Follow these guidlines of islam and insha Allah, Allah will give you satisfaction and happiness in marriage life. Keep your trust in Allah, believe in his power, Remorse for the sin committed and repent and go back to Allah. May Allah protect us brother.

    Pray for us

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