Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is divorce the answer for a newly married couple?

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Salaam everyone and to anyone who may read this

I thought i may share my story here on this forum .. we are all strangers but perhaps Allah will bless with me some knowledge and guidance I seem to be missing elsewhere with my problem. This is a long post so forgive me...

I have been married 9 months now and it's been difficult. I knew him for about 3 years before and we used to talk long distance for a while.. i told my parents of my intention to be with him from the very beginning because i didn't want to do the wrong thing - my intention was always to do the best although my actions didn't seem that way along the way...

My parents, particularly my mother didn't like this idea and was very critical of this - which in hindsight was fine because she was a concerned parent and didn't want me to get involved with someone we were not 100% sure of.  but the judgement of him never went away.

As he couldn't come to my country directly because he couldn't get a visa and we really tried as i would have wanted him to meet my family first and with me, I decided to meet him for the first time in 2012 after talking for 11 months with my sister in a diff country. I didn't tell my family as i figured they would immediately disapprove and i thought i knew best... to cut the long story short after we met, we applied for a visa once again for him to come here and he finally did 2014 september....

we got married march 2015... i did a lot of istikhara along the way and in the very beginning in 2012...i thought if we got this far it must be good right??

anyway within the first 3 months i had strange feelings and dreams that he was lying to me about something and subhanallah i found on his laptop because i knew his pw that he was talking to some woman in email and being flirty with her and she seemed to like him a lot and telling him to meet her in skype (she was not from overseas).. so i checked his skype and i found he was talking to her online late at night while i was in the other room - i had no idea... i also found he had a dating site account... i was horrified specifically because i made my boundary clear that this sort of stuff was not right.. anyway i left the house and i thought this would be the end for me and him... i told my mum everything and she obviously supported me and wanted me to leave him... so anyway he tried to explain himself and said it was all rubbish and he was just bored and doesn't care about her at all and he is so sorry and will do anything to fix it.. we went to an imam the one that married us. He told us to try work on it.. he said to move back in so 2 weeks later i did...

things seemed to get better.. but he was always still hiding things and always sleeping late and his attitude started to change.. i really tried to be patient and thought it will get better... but 3 months later i had a nightmare that he was cheating.. i opened his laptop again and i found him making times to meet with women ...this chatting was going on for a several months! so one day i took his phone and opened his messages and there it was... i found he met with 2 women.. and talking to another one from another country in a really sweet way telling her he likes her...

that was it for me i couldn't take it anymore... i kept this to myself for 3 weeks.. i checked his phone everyday and i found he had another dating app and was asking to meet some women i don't even know why there was no sexual conversation or any physical attractiveness per se... Anyway i tracked him for all that time and his behavior..

my dad could see i was looking depressed lately and one night i went to visit my family and i blurted it all out to them... my dad said u will go to your house now and take all of ur things and u will never go back...

i was so hurt i just accepted this...so my sister and mum went to my house while my husband was out and took all my things.. he returned home to an empty house and quickly came to my parents to find out what happened.. a big fight happened at my house my dad was telling him hes a fool and never to come back again i was soo sad i was arguing with him in front of everyone... he felt so ashamed and left the house

we didn't talk and i thought it was over and i thought he wanted that too.... but as soon as he saw i was serious and took divorce papers to him he wouldn't allow it.. i kept away from him for 1.5 months i didn't want to see him or talk to him... he said these girls meant nothing to him he was just being foolish .. he never thought i would be this angry or that he was doing something so wrong he said he used to have female friends before in his hometown and he just thought it was okay but didn't want me to get angry and that he was acting out because he was scared to accept marriage and losing his freedom that he panicked. he said he met those backpackers because they were here temporarily here and he just wanted to show them around the city (he used to work in tourism in his hometown and he did this for a living).....i truly believe he never had sexual intercourse with any of them.

sigh.. so we are now 3 months apart and everyday he will msg me asking me to forgive him and that this has scared him and he is absolutely lost without me. my father doesnt know we keep in touch.. he is telling me to divorce him... wallahi i dot know what to do. I made istikhara and i begged Allah to guide me... i feel my husband is foolish..a good person that did a foolish stupid thing...but i dont know what to believe.... how do i know if i should return to our marriage even after Istikhara? how do i know that Allah just wants me to leave him and not try? i know most people  say to leave your husband as soon as something like this happens but why do i get this feeling that maybe its not all completely lost and hopeless... maybe i am naive... i think this time apart was meant to happen to realise what we are both doing....

he wont leave he refuses no matter how many times ive ignored him or told him to leave me alone and i don't want to be with him anymore.. he comes to my window at night begging to see me.. subhanallah this is hard and i wish someone may have some guidance here.. I do still love him and i know he loves me but I feel if my destiny is that we are apart wallahi i can accept this as i know Allah knows the best for me..  but is divorce the answer??

Hopeful


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7 Responses »

  1. Welcome to the group...
    I left my husband three days ago because of the same...I've proof but he's denying it..I'll be doing an istekhara and asking my husband for a divorce also..he won't giv it..he'll react the exact way as ur husband..I've beenarrived 6months with a two months break cuz my father died.
    I still pray Allah gives hidayat to our husbands..uv given it a second shot so I think u shud take a decision now..I left on the first shot..he was lovely initially but then cuz of families things got rocky..but I've realised the more I do the more he's taking me for granted..but I'm done and moving on with my life..if he accepts the independent me who is now not submissive well and good as if not then I'm out..I still don't believe Allah gives a bad spouse and sometimes these situations lead to them feeling blessed and secure because of us and I prayed my entire life for a husband who would value me as a wife and I took this step with a blief that Allah created this situation for my dua to be fulfilled IN SHA ALLAH..recite ayat karima as much as possible..Allah give u peace in life..us peace in life..Ameen sum ameen..xx

    • If he had physical relationship with someone and won't change than you could get khula ... but if he has changed then don't divorce yet

  2. Asalaam Walaikum.

    You have to realise he was probably doing this well before yous got together ... think isnt it exactly the way yous two met??

    So if I were to guess its just become a habit for him now and its hard for people to change sometimes, its like an addiction he probably gets a buzz from it like some people do when they watch porn or do drugs. If you walk away from the marriage there will be no sin on you for leaving however if you give him another chance it will be very rewarding for trying to make the Marriage work.

    But theres something you need to make sure you do if you decide to give him another chance - ask for him to remove all social media and I mean ALL - Its all fitna and this is how these things start.

    But like I said its really hard for people to change whether this will be a wakeup call for him and he changes his life Allahu Alam. Normally people only change when they realise what they have been doing is wrong and start to fear Allah. This is vital because if he changes just for you when you leave him for a few weeks for work/fanily etc he will probably fall inti the trao again however if its because of Allah he changes he will know his creator is always watching. So if he doesnt pray Salah or read Quran then this needs to happen, and maybe yous can grow in deen together.

    Allahu Allam if my advice is any good and make sure you are 100% commited to whatever decsion you make. Like I said if you give him one more chance then make it one more ... If he doesnt change after this he will probably just cause you more heartache and trouble and probably will never change.

    May Allah SWT forgive me if I have given any bad advice and May Allah SWT guide your Husband to goodness, May Allah SWT guide you to the best outcome for your Akhirah and May Allah SWT bless you with a pious husband. .... Ameen.

  3. Dear sister,

    When I was reading your post, at each sentence I was saying to myself that you should leave him, he deserves a divorce! But after calming down, I think you should give him one final chance with greater precautions.

    The best thing is you have your respected family on your side - they seem caring people.

    May Allah swt guide your husband and make all testing matters easy, ameen.

    - Me

  4. Bail. knowing someone online is not the same as knowing them in real life. how long did u know him for real before u got married? and why did u get married? obviously this guy doesnt take marriage seriously, he kept on playing. give him a dead line. 28days. if u catch him playing just once, bail out. i think that constitutes reasonable grounds for divorce. guys like this will say anything, pour on the emotions, whatever they can get away with. i know cos i used to be one of them, until i found my wife and ive always been true and honest since. however one thing u should consider before divorce - is he very rich?if no kids yet, no significant financial interests, then there's not really much to lose at this present time (apart from hurt feelings).
    again, bail.

    good luck to you.

  5. Assalam Aleykoum Sister,

    In your situation where a husband is begging you for forgiveness and wants you back...Especially when you know there is no adultery (zinaa) involved? ThenNO! do NOT get a divorce. You have a million and one chances sister. Allah SWT is forgiving and merciful. You should forgive him too. At least he hasnt given up on you or this marriage.

    I am speaking from an experience of a divorced woman. I can share more about my experience but not just yet. InshaAllah I pray its not too late and I pray you can get back with him.

    May Allah SWT guide you to the right path and make it easy for you both. Ameen

    Sister Zahriya

  6. Assalama aleikum sister,

    I would advice you to try to work on your marriage. Don't take divorce as the immediate option.

    You did well in bringing him around to see the imam with you. You've also forgiven him once already. Unfortunately it seems your husband does have an addiction of chatting and meeting up with other women. But it is for him to take responsibility and acknowledge how really sick that is. He seems to still say that he didn't think you would find it a big deal. So then he must think this is an ok behaviour! Also his excuse of ' I find it difficult to settle in marriage' is an excuse many men use to get away with whatever befits them. I've heard it so many times before. ' I'm not ready, I do t know how to adjust...'. It's pathetic! This is very very serious and I would find it hard to believe what he says at this point.

    You need a programme of change for both of you. And that has to be rooted in Islam, in learning about the rights and responsibilities of marriage, of understanding what marriage is and how to value it and look after it. With that you need to ensure you both establish a home based on prayers together, dua and spending time together away from social media and phones. I'm not sure whether you should move back just yet, but perhaps let him make the effort to change first. I would also strongly advice you to seek couples counselling. You'll also have the challenge of re-integrating him back into your family as they will now hate him. He was never their choice and now they have all the more reason to dislike him. Your family wants what is best for you. But as a married woman you have to balance that with trying to work on your marriage. You are a married woman and you have the right to form your own opinion, you must do this. Don't hide the fact that you are talking to him, he is still your husband. Ask your parents to make dua for you and that you understand their point of view but that you need to make sure for yourself as only you will be held responsible for your choices and actions. Don't make it a personal thing, ie what they want versus your husbands wishes. Make it about Allah swt. What Pleases Him and divorce is the most hateful thing of that which is permitted to Allah swt. So be assertive but kind with your family.

    It's not going to be easy. In fact it is going to be every hard. There is no guarantee that 5 years down the line, after your first baby, he won't be chatting to another female again. This is what would scare me the most- because trust is something delicate. And he has lost your trust.

    Divorce is hard on the heart and soul. No matter how bad your ex spouse was it is a tough thing to go through. Yet it is an option, but a last resort. Try to look at the big picture, your future what you want. And see if your spouse has an ability to meet those, if even not now, in the near future with help and support. I have to re-iterate that he has to take responsibility for his actions and devise a plan with you for how you will overcome this. And I think that plan is in taqwa and emaan of Allah swt, for both of you.

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