Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it ok for a British born Pakistani man to date a white girl?

Secret relationships are a bad idea

Not that I'm in the habit of taking advice from church billboards, but in this case they have a point. Secret relationships are always a mistake.

Hi.

I am a 22 year old British, non-religious white girl and am dating a 23 year old British born Pakistani man. It's only been around a month but we really like each other and he has told me he wants to progress into a relationship. I asked if he would tell his parents about me or if they were 'strict' and he said they aren't that strict but I'd be a secret and wouldn't tell his parents (that he lives with) until it was 'more serious'.

I know it may be forbidden for him to date me and I know its difficult but I've told my parents and they accept that I am happy with him. I value his decisions and religion and respect his family also but I'm not sure if he values me enough to keep me secret?

I don't even think he values his own religion i.e not allowed to drink/smoke/take drugs or have sex before marriage. I however have an occasional drink and do not smoke or take drugs.

Would it be allowed if he just told them about me? Its not like they have to meet me or anything. I think only one of the parents is from Pakistan and I'm not sure about the other parent. I've had a previous relationship but he didn't treat me well at all and I really want to be with this guy. Please help me. Any advice.

michelle


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33 Responses »

  1. Asslamulaikum sister

    May Allah guide you to right path and bless u with happiness marriage.

    I have my cousin who married russian with permisssion of their parents. His parent were upset but when she become muslim and had 2 beautiful child . They were very happy.
    Which is so beautiful .

    I have my another cousin who has secretlymarried with jewish and had a child and later we found out that. His family and we were ahocked that was married and had 1 child.

    The reason why i told this so u can see differance.

    In islam it is not permissible for to have sex before marriage. It is forbidden to date in islam.

    My advice to you is that talk to him and tell him to talk to his parent about u kindly and i am sure they wil be happy and accept u inshallah. It is better that way than keplepin secrtly.

    my another advice to u sister is to read the holy book of quran and u will find all the answer on the quran which u would like to find out.

    I hope inshallah ypur problema wil be solved. 🙂

  2. You know I know some amazing white/ Pakistani mixed couples however if a Muslim man is really serious about you he would ask for your hand in marriage just the same way as he would ask a Muslim girl's hand in marriage. The fact that he's not telling his parents and wants to merely date you just shows he will use you for sex and as a pass time unless if your okay with that.

  3. Most likely he will use you for sex. At some time in future he will break the news how he is being forced to marry his cousin.

    In Islam like all other religions, men can get away with anything.

  4. Hello sister,

    In my opinion do not go in this relation. If he really want to be in relation with you then he need to tell his parents as per your request. In islam without marriage relationship is forbidden. So if he cares about this relation and want to take forward he must tell his parents.

    As per your drinking and stuff well if you look from other side beside relagion then it's not good for your health. It's a poison spreading inside your body in near future you might get very sick or can have complication in pregnancy etc etc. so as per medical it's better to give up drinking.

    Best wishes and I pray to Allah to guide you for making decision.

  5. Michelle,

    I think deep down you know the nature of this relationship you’re in is not normal. If he can’t introduce you to his family, then where do you stand in his life?

    I can’t say for certain if he’s playing you, but what I can say with absolute certainty is that he’s not mature enough to face his parents. Not at the moment at least and probably not in the future either. He may like some of your qualities or he may plainly be out to toy with your heart but regardless of his intentions, do you really want to be with someone whose not man enough to proclaim his love for you in front of the world?

    I highly suggest you cut your losses now and move forward in life. In the future find someone who appreciates you enough to profess their love for you openly.

    -Helping Sister

  6. Michelle,

    Without a doubt, you sound like a smart girl. Already you are asking yourself questions that any self respecting woman would do. This guy might be a really nice person but in all fairness to you, he is only going to use you until his parents find him a wife from back home. Like other posters have already stated...he will not tell his parents about you and when he is done taking all he can from you, he will tell you that his parents are making him marry a girl from back home. Just the other day, a poster here stated how they dated a guy for four years only for him to end things and marry the girl his parents chose for him. Oh...and the kicker is...he was seeing his wife to be for an entire year whilst he kept things going with his girl friend!

    Save yourself the heartache and don't waste your time on this guy. You'll end up falling in love with him only to have your heart ripped out in the end. You deserve so much better.

    Salam

  7. Dear Michelle;

    I know u are a christian girl and dating a Muslim man and the answer for ur problem can best be given to u by ur priests or minister, etc based on on ur belief. As far as an answer concerned on Islam is, a Muslim man cannot marry u because u are not a Muslimah. This so called Muslim man of urs is in fact in an illegitimate (haram) relationship with u. Marriage between u cannot take place as per Muslims laws. In the true sense he is not a Muslim because he is out dating girls. As far as his culture is concerned then he should tell his parents and if they agree ,they would definitely like to see u.

    Even if u change ur religion for him, this marriage is not acceptable in the eyes of ALLAH because ur change of religion is for ur convenience and is not based on true faith.

    I would advise u to study Islam with an open mind not for this man. but to know what Islam is all about. If ALLAH guided u, I am sure u will never ever think another minute about this man and u will stop calling him a Muslim as he is just born into it.

    Javed

    • Javed,

      A Muslim man can marry a Christian woman as well as a Jewish woman. They would not need to accept Islam in order to marry as there is no compulsion in Islam to do so.

      On another note, it is clear that this mans intentions are not good from the get go. He does not even want to introduce her to his family which in all honesty, is no surprise.

      May Allah guide us all to the right path...amin.

      Salam

      • Najah:

        I think it would be better if u study this subject of Ahle Kitab and u will know whether christians & jews fall in this category or not. If u are a true believer and not a convert or born as a Muslim, then I am sure u will agree after u read the following which I got from a website http://www.inter-islam.org/Lifestyle/marej.htm. Please do read it. After reading it, even my slight misconceptions were removed. I would not like to get into any debates. ALLAH SWT knows best.

        May Allah guide us all to the right path...AMEEN

        Marriage to ‘Ahl-e-Kitaab’
        (Jews & Christians)

        "Made lawful for you this day are At-Tayyibat (all kinds of lawful foods, which Allah has made lawful. The food (slaughter cattle etc.) of the people of the scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the scripture (Jews & Christians) before your time."
        (5:5)

        The verse clarifies that the ‘Ahl-e-Kitaab’ are those people to whom the scripture has been revealed from Allah. It also lays down the stipulation for marrying them that they be chaste, and as can be derived from the following verse, marriage is permissible regardless of the contents of the scriptures being changed by the people.

        For Allah says in the Qur’an:

        ‘Among those who are Jews, there are some who displace words from (their) places.’

        On another occasion Allah says:

        ‘And the Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah, and the Christians say Messiah is the son of Allah.’

        The Christian and Jew women who do not believe and practice their own religion can not be considered to be real Christians and Jews. They are either atheist or irreligious. So they are like idolaters and polytheists, these women are not lawful.

        ‘It has been stated in the books of jurisprudence that to marry Women of the Book is lawful, but it is better not to do so.’ (Shaami pg. 397 vol. 2)

        In the aforementioned verses, it has been specified that Allah granted the Jews and Christians the title of ‘Ahl-e-Kitaab’ despite their accusations and slanders in relation to Jesus, and their performing of evil deeds. Until and unless they leave their respective religions, they will be included as ‘Ahl-e-Kitaab’. If they do by any chance, leave their religion, marriage will not be permissible unless they accept Islam, for Allah says:

        ‘Wed not idolaters, till they believe.’

        Despite the above-mentioned concept, the majority of Ulamah’s are of the opinion that marriage is not permissible to a woman of the Ahl-e-Kitaab.

        By something being permissible, it does not necessitate it being likened by Allah. There are many instances where Shari’ah has pronounced an act lawful, but mentioned its implementation undesirable, e.g. divorce, out of genuine necessity divorce has been made permissible, but it being highly disliked by Allah. The lawfulness of eating soil has also been mentioned, but this does not implicate it being praiseworthy and a must for everyone. Similarly, the permissibility to marry an Ahl-e-Kitaab does not imply that such an act is blessed in the eyes of Allah.

        Whoever has his eyes set on marrying with an Ahl-e-Kitaab should first consider the consequences in respect to his faith and Islamic Beliefs. As husband and wife, they will both sleep under the same covers and sheets. Because of the wife not considering the importance of bathing after intercourse, the sharing of beds will result in the immersing in all forms of impurities. If she has a sudden passion of keeping a pet dog, in order to satisfy her whims he will allow her to keep one in the house, in order to prevent the marriage from deteriorating. The introduction of a dog to the household will culminate in the entire house, the furnishing and the appliances being fouled by dog excretion, urination and saliva. The Angels of Mercy will refrain from such a house and its residents will lose the inspiration for worship.

        If the marriage, at the least, does not break down and the wife happens to bear a child, then the question arises whether the child will be brought up in an Islamic environment, around Islamic doctrines and values.

        Every Muslim is ordered to develop through marriage sexual relationships with only those women who are religious and righteous, so that the offspring be of a good, pious nature and beneficial in the hereafter. What will be the sorry state of the offspring of a man married within the Ahl-e-Kitaab?

        If the marriage fails and the circumstances lead to a divorce then the children will according to the law of this country will be in the care of the mother. This will lead to continuous influence of Kufr and the father will be held accountable on Judgement Day.

        If one were to look with an impartial mind and a genuine desire for the truth, the disadvantages and drawbacks for this kind of marriage, the figure will prove to be so great that even our learned predecessors who disapprove of marital ties outside Islam, could not have possibly foreseen its dire consequences.

        However, for the aforementioned reasons the majority of the Ulamah are strictly of the opinion that marriage to the women of Ahl-e-Kitaab is not permissible.

        The great scholar Abu Bakr Jasass narrates in ‘Quranic Decrees’ through Hadhrat Shaqeeq bin Salmah that Hadhrat Huzaifah bin Al-Yaman radiyallahu anhu, during the Caliphate of Umar radiyallahu anhu travelled to an area known as Madain, where he married a Jewish woman. When this information was reported to Hadhrat Umar radiyallahu anhu he wrote a letter to him ordering him to divorce her.

        Hadhrat Huzaifah radiyallahu anhu upon receiving the letter divorced the woman and wrote back enquiring whether the Jewish woman was unlawful for him. The Leader of the Faithful, Umar radiyallahu anhu replied, ‘I do not claim that the Ahl-e-Kitaab women are unlawful on Muslim men, but because chastity and modesty are rarely to be found within them I fear that their repulsive qualities will filter into Muslim homes.’

        Imaam Tahawi has also stated, regarding this narration, through Imaam Abu Hanifah, concluding that the specialists in Islamic Jurisprudence are of the same opinion that this Nikah is not forbidden, but because of its repercussions it is extremely disliked (Makrooh-e-Tahrimi).

        Allamaah ibn Humaam has stated in Fat’hul Qadeer that besides the case of Hazrat Huzaifa similar incidents of marriage with the ‘Ahl-e-Kitaab’ have also been reported in relation to Hazrat Kaab bin Malik radiyallahu anhu and Hazrat Talha radiyallahu anhu

        Hazart Umar’s radiyallahu anhu time was renown for being one with hardly any form of corruption at all, but he still feared the women of Ahl-e-Kitaab as a source of corruption. We live in era where corruption is widespread and where the Ahl-e-Kitaab are anything but true Ahl-e-Kitaab. They who believe in no constraints in following more then one religion and say, ‘We are innocent, we can commit any sin we like because Jesus came into this world to repent for our sins, etc.’ They no longer believe in the Books of Allah and neither do they see Jesus as a Prophet, but rather as the Son of God.

        The corruption is, however, not the only factor in deciding the ruling. The ‘Ahle-Kitaab’ of today cannot even be classified as such due to their mass conversion to atheism, many incidents of which newspapers have reported. Furthermore, to find a woman from the ‘Ahle-Kitaab’ who can be termed as chaste in Islamic ideology is also a virtual impossibility. Hazrat Umar’s radiyallahu anhu words regarding their modesty ring infinitely true in this age where corruption has accelerated to unbelievable heights.

        Anyone who adopts such women in his family is certainly inviting Kufr and corruption within his home. Therefore it is imperative on Muslims not to marry such women if they wish to follow the ways of the Holy Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam and the Sahabah..

        Javed

        • Javed:

          Thank you for your kind response. I read the article and although I do not agree with everything the author has written, I respect what they have to say. May Allah guide us all and keep us on the straight path...amin.

          Salam

          • so here you are saying that you are clearly rejecting the verses of Quran coz christians read bible which is not injeel anymore? XD Applause! and that you have won the argument and even Quran fails to expain it wow you need hospitalization.

  8. Hi Michelle

    No it isn't alright for British born Pakistani man to date a white girl because in Islam b/f and g/f relationships do not exists. He can marry you providing you convert into a muslim.

    This muslim man is only after one thing he isn't even serious about you, come on he wants to keep you a secret and you honestly told your parents, that's where our culture differences are, muslims are not supposed to be dating etc. It is sad but the culture around us like this is becoming the norm this is not the parents fault its the children. Children should tell their parents and not sneak around, lying is also a sin where is honesty in people these days I don't get it at all.

    The fact is your not the ideal wife his parents want and he knows this. He is using you until his mother gets a wife for him back home, your not the ideal bride they want for their son FACT.

    Dump him and be with someone who is 100% yours not half. You deserve honesty and respect, clearly this guy will never give you that so don't waste your time. Please do not trust him he will make all the excuses in the book I don't want you to be another victim of this where men do prey on women and make false promises.

  9. Salams Michelle,

    I don't know how much time has passed between you posting this and it being published but I sincerely hope you never caved in and gave this sleazebag what he wanted. That sounds harsh yet it is actually too kind.

    In the city where I live in the UK, there is an epidemic of single white mothers with half pakistani kids. All the product of the type of relationship that started like yours. This type of man is a mass-produced monster of a generation of one-tracked mind, godless users who are looking to pass the time.Some do so before their families pile on the pressure of marriage. Many who do this are often already married.

    Although you describe yourself as not religious, you took time to find this site. There are many strange twists and turns in life and out of the bad, good can come. People forget that truly religious people have a conscious and good manners which you have shown by wanting his parents to know about you. As some people don't care for such things.

    You have clearly identified that he does not care about his own religion. You are worth far more than this and you have previously been hurt, so you would only be putting yourself at risk of this again. Drop that brick.

    • Rashida: In the city where I live in the UK, there is an epidemic of single white mothers with half pakistani kids. All the product of the type of relationship that started like yours. This type of man is a mass-produced monster of a generation of one-tracked mind, godless users who are looking to pass the time.Some do so before their families pile on the pressure of marriage. Many who do this are often already married.

      I guess Pakistani parents only care that their daughters do not get into illegal relationships.

  10. I'm with the many other people on this website who think he will use you and then announce he is being "forced" into marrying someone else. He obviously doesn't want his family and likely his friends to know you exist.

  11. Hi

    I am a 28 year old white British woman and have dated a Pakinstani Muslim man for almost 14 months and I have been a secret from his family the entire duration of our relationship. From my knowledge, they are forbidden to date and they do not believe in sex before marriage. I understand it is really early one month in for it to be serious and either of you to know if it's long term or marriage material so, naturally, why would he rock his relationship with his family?

    Still, I personally find it insulting that a British born Pakistani man or woman is forbidden to date a white British woman or man. I know this is not true in 100 per cent of cases but it will be in the majority.

    I wouldn't normally have dated someone so long and been a secret but I was studying for my PGCE and saw it as a year where I didn't have time to date and he was supportive during my entire studies, even buying me food shopping etc. Still, my course finished at the end of July and I am still a secret at the end of September. Don't get me wrong, in that time I have met his friends (all non Asian and Muslim) and even been to a wedding (Black) but I am still yet to be introduced to his parents as his girlfriend (it's now been 1 year and 2 months!). I made him text his brother (only sibling) about me in April and his reaction was to not tell their parents because they would have a "heart attack". I'd like to add that his brother is a VERY HIGH RANKING Police Officer in Nottingham who had an arranged marriage to a woman he barely knew! I have no children, have never even been engaged, have financial security, a good jobs and good education and find it insulting that I am still not introduced to them. If I were a Pakistani Muslim woman, with less qualifications, money and ambition there would be no problem. It is INSULTING.

    I have since ended it. My grandfather was an Irish Catholic man who settled in England in his late teens after his mother passed away (work was bleak). Although the same skin colour as my English grandmother, he was a different nationality and religion. He settled into England and totally integrated into the English society and culture. I know I am a teacher but I think it's sad that his parents chose to move to this country for a better life and have benefited from doing so but they won't allow him to date a white British woman.

    I think this is a very sad reflection on the state of this country. I believe in integration, esp if you choose to move to a country for your own benefit. Our multicultural society is beautiful where there is integration (my ex and myself and our friends) but where there are secular communities, there is divide and a breakdown in the communities that my grandparents experienced. Sad.

  12. I am a British born Pakistani male and chose not to follow the path my family wanted for me and made my own choices. I did not want an arranged marriage. I met a woman at work and we dated, before we fell in love. She was not Pakistani or White British.. We were both 25ish at the time. I took her home after we go engaged and all hell broke loose. Friends of familly were also called to come round etc. As a result, I chose to move away with her as we were in love.

    Suddenly my family realised that whatever they said, I was still going to stick to my choices. We later married and family came round before trying to mess things up. As a result, I do not seed my family anymore, which is upsetting, but I have my own family now and am happy.

    Your boyfriend will have to make choices concerning you. Depending on how strict his family are he may be scared to discuss it with them and introduce you. You need to be clear and ask him direct questions if you want to know what he is thinking and also to see what his intentions are.

    I dated girls for a while but got fed up having to keep everything secret and over time knew that I would have to make choices with consequences.

    His family will either accept you or not, but before that you need to know from him if he is committed as I was to my now wife of 20yrs or is he just going to use you for sex and then run.

    Good luck in your decision.

    • You are totally allowed to make your own choices, but please don't come onto an Islamic website and state proudly that your choice was to date non-muslim women.

      Just because you chose to reject an arranged marriage does not mean that dating non-muslim women is Islamically acceptable.

      Your parents tried to reach out to you again, and you rejected them. That's not something to be proud of.

      I know not everyone is religious, including people who come onto this website, but it is an Islamic website. Your choices suited you well, but for most religiously-minded people an inter-faith marriage will not work. You either have to accept one religion in the family, or, raise your family very secular.

      • ... Religion, skin colour or nationality should not be a divide.

        And Allah actually allows Muslim men to marry Christian virgins.

        [Editor's note: post edited to remove personal insult]

        • I'll tell you what Lu. You don't insult my religious beliefs and I won't insult your's. Do you think you will be able to do that?
          I'm not a sad little individual. My religion does not permit dating. Period. It does not permit pre marital sex. Period. It says nothing about race or nationality and quite frankly I don't know how that even came up in your response. But yes, when it comes to marriage and building a family with someone, religion is a divide. It's not for you because you are not religious. But realistically if one parent drinks and eats pork, are you going to forbid your child from following in that patent's footsteps? If one parent attends a church and the other a mosque, where do the children go? All issues relating to in-laws aside, as a family unit the Christian-Muslim family is only workable if one side suppresses itself.

          You raised the skin colour and country of origin issue, not me.

          • Assalaamualaikam

            Sister, I apologise for your having to read the above post before it was edited. Personal attacks are not allowed on this site, and you should not have had to read that.

            InshaAllah we can continue the discussions here without further issues.

            Midnightmoon
            IslamicAnswers.com editor

          • Actually I am religious thank you. I go to spiritual church. Spiritualism is my religion. You'd be wise not to presume.

            My parents and grandparents were different religious - grandfather was Catholic and grandmother was Christian. My father is Atheist and my mother is Christian. I went to church with my siblings and mum whilst my father stayed at home. It was no issue in our family as we respect each other's beliefs and it caused no divide. Had I married him, as discussed, our children would have been brought up with no religion, instead guided by morals and given the freedom to choose one when they were old enough to do so.

            Why should one party have to suppress themselves?!? Why not live true to themselves and let their children make an informed decision when they are old enough which to follow or even neither, should they wish.

            And you taught me nothing about Islam. I am fully aware that dating is not permitted. Instead of going on the attack or defense, you'd be better reading my original comment which showed this.

            When I called you sad I should have said it is sad that you are not happy for TM for choosing his own path in life. After all, he is happy. After all he did not choose to be born Muslim as I didn't choose to go to Christian church. We're not bad people we have just chosen lives that we believe in. It'd be a nicer world and there would be less divide in the world if people respected and accepted each other's differences and were able to coexist and integrate without religious barriers. After all we're all human.

          • This is actually so stupid conversension my husband is Pakistani and Muslim I am Christian he doesn't drink and not eating pork I do drink occasionally and eating pork as ham etc and is kept on my fridge we are together over 5 years Mary 3 ,and you know what I have strong character and he is too , I never has been forced to change my religion or clothes etc I am still do what I want I am independent women and nobody will tell me what to do either u respect his or not as my husband know that I don't care and will never let anybody tell me what to do how and where . Life is about compromise not a religion regarding children is it any big problem ...hmm I guess doepend on which side of the country u are leaving if it's EU I am sure you can both decided what you like if it's Pakistan probably children will be Muslim , in my case we don't have a such a problem. . And one more thing very important depend how struck and orthodox is Pakistani family and husband . I don't have a problem with it . Last thing don't write buil**** that Muslim cannot marry Christian girl of course can , it's their choice and then wether if family accepted etc and nobody can force u to became a Muslim . Everybody should stay as they happy .

          • Claudia, please try to express your opinions without being rude or using bad language.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Assalaamualaikam

          Lu, personal insults are not permitted on this site. There was no call for your attack on a fellow poster. I have edited your post to remove the insult.

          Disagree or agree, whatever you believe, but do not insult people because they disagree with you.

          Midnightmoon
          IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Thank you TM. I'm sad to hear than you don't see your family but glad that you have chosen the path you wanted. After all, life is a personal journey and it's a sad waste if lived to please others against our own, personal development.

      My parents weren't happy either but they never disowned me. I remember my mum telling me years ago that she'd never disown us and we'd always be her children. It's such comfort and I hope to be just as good a mother myself one day.

      Wishing you and your family all the best - it's just so sad that my ex did not have the courage you had in your heart.

  13. Lu,

    Thanks you for your well wishes. I wish there were more human beings around like you.

    Prescious Star - My post was to aid the OP's questions and to give another point of view and not just a tunnel visioned approach to the muslim religion. In no way was I coming onto the website and as you say, stating proudly that my choice was to date non islamic women. You have clearly drawn your own conclusions from my post and then decided to respond aggressively.

    How can you know if my parent tried to reach out to me? Were you there? Again you presume that I was proud of not following their demands of me! Obviously I would have preferred for my family to accept my choices and we be in regular contact, but it was not to be.

    I am fully aware that this is an islamic website and I was posting a real life scenario to the OP so she could have an idea of what could be an outcome to her scenario. What would you have preferred? To carry on like this sort of thing never happens and live a lie by condoning her in her post?

    You are finally completely wrong about being in an inter faith marriage and are very short sighted if you believe that it does not work. I am muslim and my wife Christian. We discuss our faith openly and ACCEPT each others views. That does not mean we cannot get on or love each other.

    This is where religion is wrongly interpreted and people draw their own conclusions from the teachings. I have no issues in my marriage and we are a strongly bonded couple. I cannot say the same for my brother or sister's marriages who both have issues with their partners.

    In my line of work, I come across many people who say they are muslim and very religious and know how to preach about being a muslim, but in reality, I see them drinking alcohol and smoking, selling alcohol, taking drugs, selling drugs, sleeping with prostitues, having sexual relationships with same sex, eating food that is not halal etc. They are the same people, I then see standing outside mosques preaching on how it is to be a muslim. I don't judge them for what they do, but I do not agree that there is so many people that claim to be one way and then secretly do the opposite.

    Obviously you may want to come back and attack me further based on my response to you. I am hard skinned and am used to the school of hard knocks. To be honest, I will be surprised if you don't post anything.

    • TM you highlight why dating is also good to form a happy, healthy relationship, despite what any religion such as Islam believes. You're in a happy and healthy relationship.

      Dating serves a purpose in both assessing whether you have and forming the foundation of a healthy relationship. By getting to know someone, you can see if you hold similar values and a strong bond for a future together. Sadly, many arranged marriages to people who are barely more than strangers cannot allow for this and it also shows in my ex's brother's marriage which has its issues.

      I have also heard of, and witnessed, your observations re people preaching Islam but not practising it as my ex ate pork, non Halal meat, smoked, drank, had pre marital sex before he met me etc. It doesn't make him a bad person (he wasn't cheating on anyone) but it also doesn't make him a devout Muslim either which made it even harder for me to accept being a secret and led to me ending our relationship. He never did see himself as Muslim though (never prayed or went to mosque) but religion sadly still stopped him introducing me to his family as he feared being disowned. Sadly, Islam holds certain values above family values such as unconditional love (no insult intended, just a mere observation and something which you can read about daily in the news and hear about through conversations).

      TM - it would also be a nicer world if people were more like you and your wife. Wishing you all the happiness and so sorry that your family aren't willing to accept it and share your love.

      Peace.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Islam doesn't insist on people marrying strangers, it's just that boyfriend-girlfriend relationships as seen in some cultures aren't acceptable. There isn't anything wrong with people getting to know each other within appropriate limits - so long as they aren't overstepping the limits given to us by Allah.

        Sadly, cultural expectations and prejudice can lead people to act in un-Islamic ways, and to make things unnecessarily complicated. I've encountered people who have said "oh, if only you weren't white/a revert, you'd be a perfect match for my son/cousin/etc.". It sounds like the barriers that this guy used as excuses for keeping you secret were more to do with culture and his own weaknesses, rather than Islam.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

  14. I am a 23 year old muslim pakistani and have been with my white english girl for two years, i told my parents quite early in the relationship, many families can be quite bigoted towards other cultures and ethnic groups even if they are muslim, for example i knew of a pakistani girl who wanted to marry a muslim man from kenya, her parents forbade this purely because he was black, which is wrong as well as unislamic. It sounds like he wants to use you and my advice to you is point out to him that you dont want sex before marriage, as a muslim he cannot go against this, many white brits base their ideas about islam on the practices of some british pakistanis which is not wise as many of them (but not all) drink, gamble, sleep around, sell drugs, commit fruad as well as all manor of crimes. Therefore it is not correct to do what the papers do and claim that the actions of a few pakistanis are the teachings of islam as the quran forbids these behaviours, there are more muslims in africa than anywhere else on earth and the majority of them are black, there are also christian pakistanis and churches in pakistan, there was a somalian in the school i went to and when he told a peer he was muslim she replied "
    How can you be a paki when youre black?" This reveales alot about the average brit and their knowledge of islam and other beleifs and cultures, many assume every muslim is a paki and there are no òther mùslims on earth which is a backward level of knowledge. Back to your stuation if he was serious then he would introduce you to his patents before trying to get into your knickers, if not then sorry but he just wants to use you and you are worth more than that, i fell in love with my partner who i intend to marry because she was what i was looking for, skin colour wasnt really a factor it was more because she was untouched by another man, she hates drinking, she is honest and i can trust her 100%, many pakistani girls sleep around and go out to clubs getting drunk and ĺooking for men to have sex with, they then put their headscarf on and call white girls slags, well my girl is white and she is anything but a slag, she wants to do the shahada and commit to islam, i am not forcing her it is her own will, and ive met her family and she has met mine, her racist mum disowned her because she chose to be with me and refused to leave me,however, she was raised by her grandparents who have both accepted me and get along with me fine. Respect your body and men will respect you, we got to know each other before anything sexual, we made it clear to each other that we both wanted to take it slow, i believe this is why we now have a very strong, happy and loving relationship together, she proved herself to me right from the start. just be careful is all im saying. Salaamalaikum my sister and goodluck with the future.

  15. I'm in the same situation, but 5 months in and we both like each other so much. The problem being, like yourself, he can't easily take me home. He lives a double life. It's hard to leave because he treats me so well when we are together; but I know that unless I convert there is very very little chance of his family ever accepting me. I feel for you, I really do. What has happened since? Also, I'm here if you want to talk! 🙂

    • Diana: I'm in the same situation, but 5 months in and we both like each other so much.

      You are just being used. Islam does not allow dating. Most likely one day he will give you a bad news that his parents have decided to get him married to his cousin.

      • Dear Diana,

        I have to agree with SVS.

        He might live a double live, but when push comes to shove, he is going to pick his family over you--read up on the archives of similar situations. He also know what he is doing is wrong--so, this intentional choice along with treating you really well, so that you won't leave, just fills up his time and makes his life more enjoyable.

        I really suggest that you think twice.

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