What is Islam’s perspective of ‘giving up’ on something?
Hi, I am turning 19 this year and even though it is a new year, I feel no sense of starting afresh due to what I am currently going through.
After Secondary School, I manage to enter a well recognized Institution and a course which every parent would be proud to brag about. However, ever since I entered this course, my life took a turn, but for the worse.
During my secondary school days, I was a good muslim. I believed in God unconditionally because His teachings always make sense to me. I knew what benefits Solat (prayer) brings to a person. I was calm and trusted Him with my whole heart. Then, I entered to a higher institution. Life is different this time.
Due to the course I 'chose', I hardly get any sleep and am always busy trying to complete school work, pamper myself to de-stress, giving time for family and friends. Finally I gave up Solat altogether.
Now I am facing the worst nightmare of my life. Making a life changing decision. Because of the intense commitment I have to put into my course, it makes me sick mentally. I realized that I was not fit to be studying this. I begin to procrastinate, doubt my own ability, feel useless. Every time I look at my peers' work, all the more I feel ashamed of myself. Then the worst hit me.
A submission was due soon and so I have decided to put my heart and soul to it. I felt a sense of relief but no pride in my work. However, when I got my results, a 'F' was stamped in my paper. That was my breaking point. Since the results, I have yet to set foot into my school again. Every time I think about school, I feel like crying. I feel like god has done nothing but to bring me pain and to rub salt into my open wound.
I keep telling myself that God is testing me and I have to trust Him (Allah s.w.t.) but this angry feeling keeps coming back to me telling me that I was sent to earth to be His (Allah s.w.t.) 'toy'. To be made a fool of. Even though I know such thoughts are the works of the devil, I cant help but entertain them.
Every time when I think about school, I rather die then have to go back to that 'hell hole'. It has brought me nothing but fear, pain, feeling of suffocation.
I still have 2 months to complete the semester. I have submitted a request for transfer of courses but my fear has yet to subside. This 'fear' that I talk about, I myself am not sure what it is. Is it fear for failure, to face life or that my request for course transfer would be rejected?
I want to go back to the days when I am devoted to His(Allah s.w.t.) teachings. However I cant seem to bring myself to do that anymore. I feel like He (Allah s.w.t.) is picking on me and that my existence on earth was a mistake on His (Allah s.w.t.) part.
I need answers. I need to know why am I here? What is my task on earth? Is it okay to give up? Why do I feel this way? I really thank you for entertaining me. I really need answers.
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