Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m jealous, what can I do about it?

jealousy green eyes %photo

How to deal with jealousy?

Salamu Aleikum va rahmatullah,

I have a problem with jealousy and it is destroying my marriage. I'm married  and I'm masha allah good-looking and educated. I'm very happy with my husband and we are both practising Muslims. My husband is very handsome and very often, when we are invited to places where non-Muslims are present or women without hijab (sometimes even Muslims), the women stare at him and admire him for his good looks.

Very often they provoke me by flirting with him in a provocative manner and I'm not able to control my jealousy. I try to suppress it at that particular moment, but later on I tell him to take into account my feelings and to avoid small talk with them. My husband shows responsiveness to their flirting by engaging in conversations and then he says: Why do you make yourself small? Who says that they have more than you?

I wouldn't say that my self-confidence is low, but I don't like the fact that somebody is flirting with my husband or exposes in order to please him. My husband has started to treat me bad emotionally by humiliating me verbally. I try not to talk too much to non-Mahrams , but to what extent does Islam restrict social interaction? To what extent am I allowed to talk to non-Mahram men and to what extent  is he allowed to show responsiveness to flirting?

relationship has become hell. Even in our home country, when we are eating on one table (men and women), some of my female family members sometimes lift their veils ( showing arms, tops and jewellery) to attract my husband's attention. My husband talks to me in a very condescending tone and hurts me all the time. I don't flirt with other men and try to lower my gaze. I need some good piece of advice, he says I want to take advantage of Islam to restrict him. That' s not right. His ego is so  big, I don't know what to do.

Meanwhile, I feel ugly and bad, and suffer from depressions. I hate going out with him as wherever we go and wherever we are invited, the looks of the females surround him and this makes me feel insecure. Please help me, I love him so much, he's my whole life and I don't bear that. On the one hand, i know that preserving self-respect is important, but on the other hand I fear that I might never be happy in this relationship.

My mother says it was wrong to tell him that other women look at him, that this makes me feel insecure etc. She says that I have pushed his ego and consequently his actions are right. Now, meanwhile, he avoids any forms of conversations, says hello and doesn't shake hands; And I feel naked, as I told him all my weaknesses. I think the others noticed this change as my family is non-practising (in the West) , and so it has become embarassing.

I feel weak, naked and ashamed for being a woman, for having shown all the abysses of my female soul. And he doesn't love me the way he did before, he tries to avoid these things not to hurt me, not because they are haram. My family in the West is not practising, which makes it more difficult. And even among Muslims, the females often don't show haya, as in our native culture, men and women eat on one table.

Please help me, I'm thankful for any kind of advice. I'm losing my mind and my husband.

- Sister N.


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18 Responses »

  1. You have the feeling the other girls are flirting him. this your jalousy talking. Those girls were maybe only talking innocently. I know many women in the same case, they all think that other women flirt their husband and they are provoking them. For you he is wow cos u love him, but other women might have their own man and dont find your husband wow. Be careful, it can become kindda of paranoid.
    You say you are good looking, you dont need to mention this, you can be top model, you will still feel unsecure. All the prob is inside you, not with your husband and certainly not with the other women. Both are just initiating a social conversation.

    You can restrict him, but im sure walking in shopping center, you will have the impression that the girl passing looked at him while she was starring a shop window.

    You should calm down and read Quran to feel better and ask God to make you feel less jalous.

    wish u good luck

  2. Mmm Assalam Alaykum Sister N,

    I Am No Expert On Islam, So I Cant Really Guide You In That Sense,

    Buh The Only Logic & Apparent Solution I Can Think Of Is, Trust, And Lack Of Communication,
    You Would Feel Paranoid And Insecure In Any Situation, Because You Don't Trust Him,
    It Shouldn't Matter To You If He Is Talking To Other Women Or Vice Versa, Even If The Women Are Flirting With Him, You Should Have A Enough Bond & Love Between Each Other, You Should Trust Him Enough To Let Him Talk To Other Girls Without Feeling Jealousy, You Should Realise The Fact He's Just Generally Communicating With Other Women And The Other Women Are Not Provoking Him And Merely Just Having A Polite Conversation, There Should Be No Space For Little Misconceptions, As He Is YOURS, He Is With You, Because He Loves YOU, And Like You Said He Has Told You, No Other Women Can Ever Be More Than You, Listen To What He Says, It's What He Means,
    Why Do You Feel Ugly, Weak & Bad, Your Husband Has Only Eyes For You, Nothing Can Change That, Your His Wife,
    Maybe You Do Lack In Self-Confidence, Feel Insecure, And A Little Jealous..* ??
    There Is Nothing Wrong With That Its Perfectly Normal, Us Women Are Emotionally Weak, However You Should Realise The Fact It's Affecting Your Marriage, Because You Let Yourself, Believe Your Husband Is Deliberately Trying To Demean You,
    And Can This Be Due To Lack Of Communication Between You Both ?? Maybe You Have Started To Assume Things, As In Every Women Is Trying To Flirt With Your Husband, You Could Always Join In The Conversation, Rather Than Backing Out & Feeling Jealous And Insecure, Maybe That Would Make You Feel Better, Talk To Your Husband About This, You Have Done Nothing Wrong By Telling Him How You Feel, That's The Best Way Be Open, Tell Him Your Insecurities, And When He Tell's You, He Loves You And No One Else, Believe Him, Don't Ignore It, Its The Truth,
    Dont Let Your Mind Wonder Too Much, Your Only Hurting Yourself Sweety, Dont Read To Much Into Everything, The Main Thing Is He Is Your Husband, He Loves YOU, Dont Let Your Insecurity Get Inbetween You Both, When Ever You Feel Insecure, Talk To Him Calmly About It,, Maybe He Will Realise, And Try And Be A Bit More Sensitive Towards You,
    You Love Him, Maybe You Are Being A Tad Bit Over Possessive, Dont Let That Ruin Your Relationship, You Have To Learn To Trust Him, Hence Communicate,

    Good Luck,
    May Allah (Swt) Protect Us All..*~

    x

    • Sister A, I do appreciate your comments, and your words would be easier to read if you do not capitalize the first letter of every word. It slows down the eye and makes your comment more difficult to read. Jazak Allah khayr for sharing your thoughts and advice.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael, have i done or said anything to hurt you or something..* ??
        i feel your always harsh with your comments when it comes to me, or you just outright ignore them,
        anyways, am sorry if my comments were hard to read i assure you they were not deliberately done, and in future al be more aware of it,

        x

        • Sister A, you are being oversensitive. I told you that I do appreciate your comments, and I said jazak Allah khayr for sharing your advice. How is that harsh? I only mentioned about the capital letters because it makes the comment hard to read, and I am sure you want people to be able to read your comments easily.

          If I ignore your comments it's not personal, there are dozens of comments every day and I often do not comment on them, and it probably means that I find your advice to be good and sound and therefore no need for me to add anything.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. dear sister,

    i willkeep it short,

    jealously , insecurity , lack of trust , no communication you can name it which ever way but its not helping you, is it?. its actually spoiling your happy home.

    what you must do is keep things calm at home . be in the best of behaviour.man hate arguments and speculations.Allah also tells us not to be suspicious of people. there is so much you can do to keep your husband with you. giving him company, doing things together, laughing together, you can buy a gift, make nice food, make use of your beauty at home and in your bedroom. inshallah things will improve.try to involve yourself in the chats that your husband is involved in ,specially when he is talking to these girls. dont go in hiding when you feel he is flirting or girls are flirting with him, but dont try to spoil the chat by saying something silly or showing everyone that you are jealous or insecure.

    men usually like the attention of other women, but beating about it is not the way to disttract them .distract by being with him. refrain from nasty comments , it will only ruin your life.

    sometimes wives go into monotony and then its becomes very boring in relationships as the whole talk is about house is not clean, dishes are not done, kid is late for school, you are always late from work. iam tired of this life etc.......

    remember you are married to him ,there is a lot you can do which these girls you are threatened from cant.

    take care

    be yourself

    friend

    read the four Quls everyday .

  4. As per your description, I would say your husband is guilty here.

    In Islamic Sharia, the rules are very clear about how non-mahram men and non-mahram women should interact. First of all, there should be no interaction between non-mahram men and women at all unless there is a necessity. Like a male doctor may need to talk with a female patient. Also because of the co-existence of non-mahram males and females in every sphere of life now a days, workplace and university for example, need may arises there where non-mahram males and females need to interact. Some of the etiquette that should be observed during such interaction are follows:

    01. Neither the male nor the female should be talking in flirtous manner.

    02. Both the male and female should keep their gaze lowered.

    03. The female should not be speaking in a soft voice.

    04. There should not be any idle talk; the subject matter of the talk should be confined to what is necessary.

    05. Talking should be done in shortest possible time.

    You absolutely should not be feeling ugly or anything because you are not at fault. In Islam, there are two types of jealousy. One is good and one is bad. The jealousy that you have is good jealousy. This jealousy is called gayrah. This is a jealousy that arrives from possessiveness. I would feel extremely jealous if any non-mahram man see the beauty of my wife. Similarly, my wife has the every right to feel jealous if I talk flirtatiously with any non-mahram women except her.

    Such possessiveness and the jealousy that born in the heart of spouses from such possessiveness are essential for the protection of marriage. Look at the nonbelievers. They have no possessiveness at all. Two husband's see each others wife in bikini. A wife let his husband hug or kiss another person's wife. During a farewell ceremony in my university, an outgoing lady staff hugged the dean strongly in front of her husband. Look where loss of possessiveness have taken them.

    The Messenger of Allah strongly praised such possessiveness. This possessiveness is the basis of familial love. This is the basis of emotional security for both spouses. During the night of ascension, the Messenger of Allah was shown a house in the Paradise. It was told to him that this was one of the houses of Umar (RA) and a hur was awaiting for her in it. The Messenger of Allah was given the permission to look at the hur of Umar (RA). The Messenger of Allah did not look. When he came back to the earth, he related the whole story to Umar (RA). The companion said, "Oh Messenger of Allah! What stopped you from seeing my hur when Allah permitted you to see her?" The companion knew that the Messenger of Allah had the most untainted and most pure heart. The Messenger of Allah sarcastically replied, "I fear your possessiveness O Umer." The companion then cried. The Messenger of Allah could have seen that hur, and he knew that his companion would not be hurt, yet he preferred not to infringe even in the slightest possible manner of the possessiveness of his companion.

    QUOTE[My mother says it was wrong to tell him that other women look at him, that this makes me feel insecure etc.]UNQUOTE

    This is not wrong. I am rather glad that you have communicated it directly, In such matters, communication should be straight forward. If he had nothing in his heart, he would have not treated you badly after you have let your concern known to him. I would say, try again to settle the situation amicably. It it fails, show him the door. Let his beauty a cause for downfall.

    One more advice from this novice: I strongly discourage people from going into parties and dinner where non-mahram males and females sit together round tables and then indulge in idle talks while eating. Also the females there dress highly inappropriately. I know this because there used to annual dinner in my university. These are places where people talk more and show their flesh more than they eat. Such dinners/parties are the greatest source of fitanh and any man and woman who have the slightest common sense, let alone Islamic knowledge, would understand that. Also avoid going to friend's house where there are no separate sitting arrangements for the male and female members. Remember, one glance, one smell, one small talk or one smile is enough for Shaytan to destroy the harmony, peace, love and tranquility of a family. Why give Shaytan that chance?

    PS. I have no problem is someone disagrees what I have said. I call myself a psychopath because I talk nothing but reality and I am extremely tired of the hypocrisy of the world we live in.

  5. Salaams Naji,

    You have already left yourself exposed by relaying your anxieties to your husband in this way. This will create alot of damage in your relationship and it can make your husband turn off from you. At first, his ego may be inflated by the fact that other women are looking at him and you are verifying that. However, he will tire of you constantly going on and all that he sees of you will be a jealous, insecure and possessive wife. Thus it will drive him further from you. Your relationship will be dominated by this issue and be a continuous stress upon you and him.

    If someone is going to stray, then they will do it no matter what. All you can do is be a good Muslim, control yourself, be a good wife and obey Islamic social ettiquettes. You asked about social interaction, refer to Stranger's response. No matter what, don't do the same as him to get him jealous. It will be bad for yourself. If you persist in showing your innermost fears and anticipate the worst, then you may end up driving your husband towards this rather than away from these things.

    I agree with Stranger in that your husband is in the wrong by choosing to be in an inappropriate setting. If it was the other way round, where men were fawning over you, I'm sure like most men, your husband would be swift in having a go at you about it and accuse you of playing up to men etc. Some Muslim men are fine chit chatting with the 'clothed yet naked' brigade but won't like their own wife even applying lip balm.

    Unfortunately, most men only apply the rules to women. But you are not helping yourself either. Explain to him rationally, in a calm state, otherwise he won't be prepared to listen. Aim to present yourself confidently, even if you don't yet feel it inside. There was a similar topic where a sister wrote about her husband deliberately looking at other women, and one commenter wrote examples from Qur'an and hadith to support her case to present to her husband. I'm sure one of the editors will know and refer you to it.

    You say you are good looking. Bear one possiblity in mind (keep it to yourself, don't quiz your husband!) Many men with beautiful wives may deliberately behave like this as they themselves feel insecure. They want a beautiful wife but they want to have that power in the relationship and want the wife to think less of herself to 'keep her in line'. I'm not explaining that very well, but its all mind games at the end of the day.

    Also these other women flirting with your husband can probably sense your jealousy and insecurities and will do this just to distress you further. Some women can be really evil in that respect. So again, display confidence, smile and show you are happy and secure.

    Finally, you say your husband is your 'whole life'. This is a fatalistic way of thinking. In an ideal world spouses should be respectful and understanding of each other etc, But generally not many couples are in sync. So while you know such and such, he is yet to realise. Your husband is your companion in life, but we all have our own journey back to Allah. Thus, all I am saying is look after yourself first and as said above control your emotions and be the best you can be for Allah.

    Do you wear hijab already? If not then start now. Who cares about these women who display themselves so openly? Wearing a hijab will give you more confidence and you will look far better than these other women. Wearing hijab is empowering to a woman. These women have no substance and all they can do is adorn themselves like a Christmas tree and scream 'look at me'? Rise above all that.

    Regards

    Hopeful

  6. Dear sister,
    This is your insecurity, lack of trust talking like the comment above said.
    Do you not trust your hushand?
    Has he done something before that causes you to become jealous when hes talking to other girls.
    Just go back to you life, having people over, and hanging out.
    Trust your husband, if you dont who will?
    Tell him you are sorry, and you were being emotional.
    If you dont stop now, you will break you marriage!!
    He seems like a nice guy, let him talk, who cares, if you can trust him then it shouldnt matter whose he is talkin too.
    Just apologies to him for over reacting.
    You need to trust your husband, take care of him, let him know he has a loving wife and a trusting wife at home, who he can come home to at the end of the day.
    Inshallah everything will work out for you.

  7. as-salamualaikum. it is natural to feel jeaous when you are in love with somebody, especially so much in love as you state the way you feel about him. jealousy in marriage can be a good thing, and i read somewhere a long time ago that it should be there-hey, it shows that you love him. i have noticed one thing, i think you mentioned he makes negative comments about you. maybe it is this thing that is driving you to be overly jealous, and have a negative image about yourself. he means so much o you, but he's treating you so poorly compared to the way that he treats other women. i understand. but sister, i don't know the solution to this problem, seriously. i'm sorry. i wish i knew something to help you towards a solution.

    • there is alot of things if you think he is cheating he can be no matter what you do and if you changed a lot for him and he didnt and if he cheated with you on his first marrage you know he would cheat on you with your own

  8. Thank you so much for your comments. There were really helpful. Stranger, I'm so happy you

    wrote that his behaviour is unislamic. But in the west, many gatherings aren't separate and

    the women on the street are half-naked. So a correct implementation of Shariah is difficult.

    I know I should trust him, but he has lost his respect for me that makes it verry difficult. How can

    I regain the respect he lost? Now he knows everything I should never have said. Very often, he

    and other family members take advantage of it.

    If men need attention, I think I don't want to be married. I'm a muhajiba, since 2 months, but my

    husband thinks I'm doing it to restrict him or because I feel insecure, although I did it to practice

    my deen. I don't provoke attention any more, why does he need it?

    And brother stranger, my husband doesn't have ghayra at all and Sister/Brother Hopeful: Today he

    came home(we are planning to go on holiday to Cyprus coz he has to hold a conference there) and

    he told his friend about it who wants to leave uni and who would have held the lecture instead of him.

    My husband said: If only you could hold it , I don't want it. And he replied: But then I would go with

    Naji. And winked. My husband informed me proudly about that incident. I could flirt with others, chat and

    talk, he doesn't care. I would be happy about any form of ghayra, but he doesn't have it or hides it.

    Or maybe he wanted to tell me that I attract other men's attention as well. I want an Islamic relationship

    in which both of us have healthy ghayra. The ironic thing is that many of my family members my

    husband looks at have religious husbands who don't look at me or talk to me. How does a woman

    reach that goal intelligently?

    Meanwhile, I tried to reduce jealousy and distance myself emotionally. So that he isn't my whole life

    any more. But I'm not paranoid, as the first sister wrote. This problem exists and many women do it

    maybe also coz they're jealous of me... it's actually very childish. I never accused my husband of

    starting a relationship with another woman, I'm jealous coz I don't like the idea of him flirting with

    someone else, it makes me feel insecure, that's all. And he likes it. That scares me occasionally.

    Meanwhile, I don't care and in terms of me looking after myself, I do things nobody in my family does. My

    friends say I'm a sex slave, exaggerate etc. I wear cocktail dresses , don't eat after 6 p.m. to keep

    myself fit ,dance for him and I'm there for him whenever he wants me to. So it hasn't become

    boring. I rather have the impression this pushes his ego even more.

    Sometimes, when I'm talking about Islam and my love for it, he even laughs at me or belittles me with

    an arrogant smile or tone. Or he says things like: Men like confident women, bla bla bla.

    I really try to be confident, but he senses that I'm only trying..... and insults me or smiles cunningly

    when a woman is walking on the street. I have to remain calm. And talking in a flirtatious way to

    me doesn't include normal conversation, hello, what are you doing, it is more something like

    very warm laughter and exchange of inappropriate looks......As I said, I try to remain calm and not to

    react.

    Thank you for your advice, may God bless you

  9. as-salamualaikum dear sister, i sensed the problem was motre him than you after i read your first post. but i really don't know him or you, so i am scared to make this statement. try some islamic counselor if you can find one. i know what you mean about the women who have religious husbands, and i can tell you this that a lot of our mashallah pious men were not like this their whole lives. i will give you an example. a man who goes to nightclubs or whatever they are called where they have those lady dancers or whatever ( i don't know proper name cuz i have never been to such places), a man who like your husband looks at other women and other people's wives to the point of stopping the car and taking the time just to check a woman out while his wife is in the car with him, a man who treats other people's wives to gifts and money but not his own wife, and blah blah blah......now this man had a wife who had some taqwa and was stuck almost in the same position as you. this man is now the type who doesn't even look at another woman intentionally. i would say pray and continue praying, and also try to somehow get him to hang out with pious men. men who don't go to mixed gatherings and flirt with women. or such houses where hijab is practiced. people can change, maybe he will. it will ofcourse take time. i do understand the feeling of detaching yourself so you don't feel pain. i don't know how long you have been married, but after being married so long, i have learnt a lot of things. in the begining when we get married, no matter how much our love or sacrifice, we have expectations. and because our feelings of relationships are ideal, we do get hurt. and yes it does hurt when your spouse says or does something to hurt you or make you feel like you are not loved. hopefully he is good and will grow into a more positive husband as your relationship goes on. but after so many years, all those little things that make you mad or hurt don't really bother you so much any more. you kinda grow into each other. ofcourse any physical or intentional emotional abuse should not be tolerated. i say intentional because sometimes a man might be treating you that way because he doesn't know any better, he was raised in a rough and painful environment, or he's going through a stressful time in his life. the main thing in a relationship is trust. you know he's not going after someone else, i mean further than flirting, and he knows the same about you. and you know that your spouse loves and respects you, and i'm not talking ideal love. i mean you are assured that you are his. that's what i think makes a reltionship work in the long end. we're in this togerther, we're a team, we'll help each other become better people, and we have a picture that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. yes men love women's attention, some go next step and actve flirting, some go further. the point is that it's going to be about his taqwa. once he has attained that, he will automatically become a better person, because that's what our deen teaches. he will also stop flirting with other women, which he might be doing to show you that's he's as hot as you cuz he's getting women attention. i forgot what else, gotta go, but do always always pray for him, and give him good company of yours and other good people.

  10. Brother cowsgomoo that place is called a stripclub.
    Sister sorry to hear that ur husband still acting like this. I believe once a man is married, he should stop his childness ways and become a man. Meanin he should realize that he has a wife now and responsibilities. Vice versa for a woman too. Have ur husband hang arnd a different group of peoples. He's becoming awwwaayyy to modernize. Find urself different practicing peoples. Ur'll b surprise how a change of environment changes a person. Inshallah we can only hope for the best.

  11. your husband reminds me of my husband. where ever we go whether its his gathering or my family gathering there is something about him that makes evryone in the room want to be his best friend. women love his company and many times they come up to me and tell me how lucky i am to have such a lovely husband.

    i have two options i can either feel jelouse from all this or i can feel secure.

    for some reason jelousy has never been a part of me i believe what is meant to be will be and this man no matter how beautiful he is he has been made for me and he is with me and i know he is not leaving me or loving me any less by seeing others or talking to others.

    jelousy comes from the shaytaan. my husband feels so grateful that i trust him soo much and we have an understanding (this is only from clear communication) that my trust if broken will cost him dearly. and the fact that i don't get jelouse makes him more attracted to me cos he feels that all the love he shows me is being appreciated and i do believe him when he tells me he loves me and that makes him feel good.

    you wouldn't like it if you told your husband you love hima and he looked back at you with doubt. would you?

  12. > I wear cocktail dresses , don't eat after 6 p.m. to keep myself fit ,dance for him
    Well, dear sister, first of all - don't spoil him so much! some men when they feel that a woman is ready to do anything just can't stop trying the limits of her patience. He knows that jealousy drives you mad, and as a spoild child he just wants to try what you may perform in return for his flirt.
    What if you try to show him that you don't really care if he is interested in any other women or not?

  13. Sister A, مشاء الله you sound really innocent ukhti. Just a piece of advice habibti, don't end your comments with a 'x' as they mean hugs and you don't wanna send that to no brother my love :)

    Maybe you didn't realize, may Allah keep us firm.

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