My life is messed up; please help me to make the right decision.
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have a very long story. My life is filled with sins. In the past years I had relation with guys in the hope of finding a life partner but I ended up commiting sins with them but I didn't commit zina. Now, alhamdulilah as Allah has guided me and put me on His track I have realized my mistakes and I want to marry in order to please Allah. I am in love with a guy but he does not want to marry me because of some problems he has in his life which I don't know about.
He wants to keep our relationship which I know is haram in Islam. He loves me too I know that; the problem with me is that I love him a lot and cannot think about anyone else other than but I am ignoring him and making dua to Allah to help me. What should I do? I have problems in my life I cannot go and marry just someone else and also I have tried to but I cannot help thinking about him and cry and praying all the time.
Wasalam,
MC
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Salaam MC.
Please end your relationship with this guy. He is not worth the punishment in the Aakhirah, he really isn't. No matter how much you love him. If you are still in contact with him, please fear Allah and break contact. Ask yourself what if Allah swt takes me while I am on my way to meet this guy or God forbid indulging in zina. May Allah save us all from this and make us die with 'La ilah illa Allah Muhammadur Rasoolullah' on our tongues. Ameen.
I apologise for being harsh but just want to make you realise how important it is for you to get out of this situation. You may waver but each time you do remind yourself of this. Also this guy is not good for you. If he truly loved you he would marry you, problems or not. No decent guy would ever try to convince a girl to continue in a haraam relationship.
Let him be. Cut all contact with him. In time you will move on InshaAllah and realise how lucky you are to have had the chance to turn back to Allah. Not everyone who strays has this chance. Repent sincerely, vow to never be in such a relationship again as even an emotional relationship alone is haraam. Make amends and work to get closer to Allah. If you do not yet do salat, begin doing your fardh salat. Try to read Qur'an. Do not worry about marriage for a while.
In time inshaAllah you will move on and eventually be ready for marriage. For now focus on healing. Also take up halal hobbies, make friends with nice Muslims sisters and try to make the best out of this situation.
You have not messed up your life - as long as you are alive you can repent and change and start over. If you do this sincerely not only with Allah swt wash your sins away but He will turn them to good deeds.
O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you.
[hadith Qudsi]
Recite these duas:
He (The Prophet PBUH) said:
'Say: "Allahumma innaka `afuwwun tuhibbul `afwa fa`fu `annee"
O Allah, You are pardoning and You love to pardon, so pardon me.'
Allahumma anta Rabbi la ilaha illa anta, Anta Khalaqtani wa ana abduka, wa ana 'ala ahdika wa wa'dika mastata'tu, A'udhu bika min Sharri ma sana'tu, abu'u Laka bini'matika 'alaiya, wa Abu Laka bidhanbi faghfirli innahu la yaghfiru adhdhunuba illa anta
(O Allah! You are my Lord! None has the right to be worshipped but You. You created me and I am Your slave, and I am faithful to my covenant and my promise as much as I can. I seek refuge with You from all the evil I have done. I acknowledge before You all the blessings You have bestowed upon me, and I confess to You all my sins. So I entreat You to forgive my sins, for nobody can forgive sins except You.)
for duas in arabic: http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/forgiveness.html
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister MC, Walaykumsalaam,
I am sorry for the pain you have in your life at the moment. What you are going through is unfortunately something that many sisters have fallen victim to and it usually results due to weak eemaan. There are many things that lead to zina, hence Allah has warned us against going near them in the first place, some of those things are: free mixing, exposing parts of one's body that should be covered by hijaab, meeting non-mahram men in private, speaking in a flirtatious manner or in a soft attractive voice.
From what you have said though, you seem to have realised your sin. Have you turned back to Allah and done tawbah? Do you know the conditions of tawbah? Doing sincere tawbah involves leaving the sin completely in your heart and physically and then trying your best to do what pleases Allah. The basic conditions for Tawbah are:
1 – Giving up the sin immediately.
2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.
3 – Resolving not to go back to it.
4 – Making amends to those whom you have wronged, or asking for their forgiveness.
***
I know you are paining since you have given your heart to a man who is not willing to marry you. So what I am going to say now, may hurt you more, but clearly this man is not at all sincere. You are blinded by your emotions and if you step out of the enclosed box you are living in and look on in from the outside, you will see a very diffierent picture to the one you have become used to seeing. You will see a man who:
- did not respect your chastity;
- wants to continue a haraam relationship with you, despite knowing this is unIslamic and that you are not happy with it;
- and he is refusing to marry you and will not even give you a explanation.
Dear MC, as your sister in Islam, I urge you to break away from this man. He is not good for you and the longer you stay with him, you will displease Allah(swt), you will lose your honour and dignity further and you will suffer more pain and despair. You cannot change this man, you cannot force him to turn to Allah or to marry you, but you can respect yourself and turn back to Allah before it is too late. You can allow yourself to keep yourself for only that man who will boldly marry you in public without any secrets and without dishonouring you in the eyes of Allah. Any man who sincerely wants to marry you and is God fearing, will wait for you, he will never touch you till you are his wife, he will never speak a dirty or flirtatious word to you. He will lower his gaze and he will want to protect your honour and he will do all he can to marry you. That is pure love. So make this sacrifice for the sake of Allah and he will reward you. Slowly but surely your pain will heal, yes it will inshaAllah.
At the moment, this man is the centre point of your life - this is the problem. Make Allah your centre point, and let everything else revolve around it, no matter how painful it is, no pain, no gain. We all need to train our nafs to do what is right, otherwise it gets over taken and we lose terribly. That 'training' can be very painful as while doing so, we supress our desires, we stop ourselves from doing something we want because it is displeasing to Allah. We try instead to do that which is pleasing to Allah - again no matter how painful and gradually, those 'good' things become easier and more desirable to us. So take practical steps to fill your time with things that are pleasing to Allah.
Don't be afraid of crying, let your tears roll, let the heaviness fall, speak to Allah and ask him to replace you bitter pain with sweetness of eemaan. You may not think it now, but with time, the pain will heal and eventually you will find that you are able to meet other potentials for marriage. This story of falling in love and being heartbroken has been re-told many a time since the days of Adam and Hawa(as) and many people have recovered, survived and thrived again. They have become closer to Allah and have become stronger in faith and deen. If you manage to become stronger in deen through this painful experience, one day you will look back and thank Allah for making you aware of your sin and you will also be able to safely say that this was a blessing in disguise.
Read the following link, it has some very good information on how to turn back to Allah: http://www.iqrasense.com/allah/seeking-approach-and-closeness-to-allah-waseelah-to-him.html
And this poem may give you some things to ponder over:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/poem-turning-back-to-allah/
May Allah cover you in His(swt) Mercy and grant you Protection and Love that is Pure and that will bring you nearer to Him(swt), aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor