Losing temper at small things
We are in our late 30s, my husband being 2 years older than me. Much as we love each other, we are both getting extremely short tempered. I can't seem to deal with it anymore.
This reason is no base to divorce him. But I'm finding it so hard to make this marriage work.
After an argument with him, I confided in my mum for the first time in 13 years of our marriage.
She said to me there were horrible men out there, and good muslim girls have to be very patient to hold the family together. She said she would have helped me if her were physically abusive, alcoholic or a womaniser. But he is a man a comfortable life financially, loves the children, and wife and works hard to earn halal money which is so rare nowadays. We went for Umrah, and had such a bad argument over there, I was so heart broken I wanted to leave him then and there.
He seems to flare up at everything. I say yes to everything he says, but if I even suggest something he ridicules the idea. For small things like taking me grocery shopping he makes me ask again and again (because I dont drive) and when I get frustrated he says 'you can't even take a joke anymore'. When there's nothing to eat in the house he blames me for being a disorganized housewife.
I look after everything in the house, even the things men generally do in our culture, like house repairs, builders, energy, making sure bills are within limit and paid on time (he provides me with a fixed house keeping money amount which is enough to run the house comfortable) I never have any demands like new dresses, never in my life even thought about jewellery, fancy cars and houses, but yes, I do like to buy myself creams/lotions and books. Plus, my kids love reading, they often ask me to buy them a book online, or from the shops, so Ive started tutoring at home so I dont have to burden my husband with any of my expenses.
He has been through an extremely rough patch at work, he was accused of sexually molesting his client. It proved to be a false allegation after 2 years of investigation by the police and courts. But throughout the investigation I kept his morals high because I had complete faith in him. I fought for him, stood by him and comforted him at every step. Only hoping to make our relationship stronger. But it has only weakened now. Even though I have loved him from the depth of a heart, like he was a child born from within me, I seem to hate him everytime I look at him.
One moment we will be laughing and playing, and all of a sudden we are biting each others head off.
My children weep when they hear us fight. They are ace students, and very sensible and mature....I'm worried we are destroying their personalities by giving them an abnormal childhood.
Salima
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Sorry but sumtimes u hve to suck it up (for lack of better terms) and move on. Life isn't ideal for anyone...
I am sorry that your life isn't ideal, and I pray that Allah swt ease your problems, but this is not helpful advice.
I agree this is helpful advice
God bless you, hardships are parts and parcels of life one way or another, you are in this situation, an others are in some others, no one is free from issues, every one is trouble.
Now let me tell you something, God has said SABR and he will grant you peace int this world and thereafter.
So sister try to understand and all will be vanished one day with your young abilities of endurance.
Pray for me also - pls. do not forget.
Kind regards,
AR
there is nothing so serious i flund here. you ahve to be patient and ignore this all. its the part of his nature, may be somewhere he's been treated the same thats y he do the same in the house
Salaam sister,
You didn't state how your relationship was before the trial. Was it better? We're there less arguments? He maybe frustrated about that time In his life still. He probably needs to talk it out, maybe with a psychologist.... A brother?
Your mom is thinking like the older generations. Her advice to you, quite frankly, is ridiculous. You sound like a servant in your home, or an employee. That's not a marriage. But you've let him treat you this way. Why don't you drive???? Go learn and be independent. Do you think Khadijah (R) was dependent on anyone....no, Ayesha (R)....nope.
Do you have opinions about anything or do you consider yourself beneath him?
At the same time you are not responsible to provide for your own needs. His money is yours. Ask for things. Do you think the women at his job don't wear nice dresses and jewlery? Your in competition with them!!! Ask for fashionable things, make him aware that you're better than them. Be "sexy". Wear make up. Look at home the way the women do outside. Ask for help with house things. Make him think you need him and his help; and quite frankly, you do!! How are you doing everything yourself.
I applaud you for your gentle heart. You're sure better than me!!!
your children are 100% affected. Your daughter (if you have one) will think it's ok for a man to treat her like this, and your sons will think it's ok to treat a woman like crap.
Go to marriage therapy, imam, mufti... Make dua and zikr. But your marriage is not normal. And if you don't fix it now, you may end up divorced in another 10 years. Because you don't have to feel angry all the time or like your a door mat! Do dua in tahajud salatul hajah... Have date nights once a week, no matter what... Get a sitter for the kids. Go to the movies, for ice cream, dinner, play a game, play sex games ... Think out of the box. Break the norm. Spend alone time with him. Talk, it doesn't sound like you guys talk.
Keep us updated! Good luck
Don't listen to this person, if you do these things there will be divorce 100% guaranteed. You are doing just fine, just practice patience and try to not respond negatively at things be a calm person.
If you actually read what I wrote mr. "Sudan," you'd see I never told her to be harsh. But I did say to make up with him by empowering herself. There's nothing wrong with a strong woman who loves and takes care of her husband, listens to him,yet can make a decision and help him make a decision. Such were our pious Muslim mothers. Yet in the end ofcourse the decision of the house is his.
And you "Sudan" think it's ok for her to be so scared to ask for personal things that she has to tutor in her home for some personal cash??? Is it not her right? Did Allah not put spouses to take care of each other? Is she not going beyond her duty as a Muslim wife being his servant?? He can't cough up some cash?
And I do think the false accusations made against him have affected him negatively. You should get him to talk about it. Get him to open up and tell home you never believed any of it. And that you understand that it was tough for him and ask him if he needs anything from you.
One thing I've seen is what someone else wrote, when he gets mad don't get mad too... In that case especially make your tone gentle.
Also I would highly recommend date night. As far as being a servant I don't think he will ever be a slave to you. He will always see you as someone to control. That I've seen many times in our culture. But I don't have a crystal ball either.
You should ask him if he'd want a man to talk to his daughter or treat her the way he treats you in the future. That'll get him. But don't say in angry tone but when he's calm.
Dear Ms LightBUlb,
I did not say that she should not empower herself but as a woman, she needs to be smart about it. woman should not act like a man and demand things by yelling at husband and say this is my right and blah blah blah.. his pride won't accept it.
From my own experience, this type of talk will not yield results but as Immu said in another comment she should do things like this ." Make him feel respected and use nice words like darling, baby, honey and anything in your own language to comfort him and he definitely needs you. He needs your care. Give him lots of love. He needs your attention. Hug him tight and say you will there for him forever. Humbly/lovingly tell him that you don't like few things that he does. Right time to say is during your bed time or while you are deep in love.
Just tell him like "Darling if you don't get me things then who will get me. I am dependent on you. Wont you do this to your darling"..something cheesy. Guys will love it."
Its true, I love it when my wife act this way, but if I yell at her and then she also wants to retaliate, we just bite each other's heads off as she is describing her relationship right now. it will not get better but it just gets worse. So my advice is to use a different approach and it takes alot of patience to practice this art. You women are clever ,so you should be able to pull it offf , I know you can . 🙂
Yes this works for Sure 100%.. In Sha Allah
Even your hubby Starts thinking about u, if u Start doing this kind.
May Allah give u and ur Family all Happiness. Ameen
If you listen to sudan's you will be successful 100% inshallah
Lightbulb I strongly disagree with you,
Don't mean to sound rude but i think u are just LOOKING for ATTENTION! Why? B/c you have posted over 5 different articles over the yrs pertaining to this same issue and you recieved a bountiful of "GOOD/HELPFUL" advices on how to go about this issue. One adviser even suggested you either give your husband and ultimatum (u stop doing his dirty laundry, the cooking, ironing, cleaning, etc... Until he gives u what u want), you inform his parents about his absurd behavior, you seperate or divorce from him! But since u are still NOT SATISFIED seeking 4 more advice i can't help but to assume all the earlier advices given to you went from one ear out the other ! I mean you are still here asking for advice after all this years which tells me you didn't heed to any of the advices u received! What is the point of asking for advice if you are NOT ready to act upon them. I won't be surprised if next yr 2016 u come back asking for advice about this same issue again smh. Again, don't mean to seem arrogant just my thoughts.
Some people can not just get out relationships just like that and it takes time to understand a situation all during the while that they try to mend their relationships. Children, culture, tradition and ethnicity all play roles--so, although you may not be surprised that she will return with a question in 2016, this isn't about whether you are right or wrong or whether you will be surprised or not.
I think Sade has a point in that at some point, it no longer becomes helpful to a person to ask for advice. In the case of this particular poster, no one is advising her to seek divorce, but many have advised her many times to take serious steps to address her communication problems with her husband. Maybe she has, but she doesn't reference it in any of her posts. If she has, and our advice hasn't helped her, then she should seek advice elsewhere. If she hasn't taken our advice then why does she seek it again? I'm guessing what she really needs is not advice but a place to vent about her problems, which is totally fine and legitimate. But at the same time it's understandable that those who have offered her sincere advice on this forum may become frustrated that she apparently hasn't taken it and her situation has apparently not improved but in fact worsened.
If you say so, but my intention wasn't to be rude or mean, i was just stating that the advice she has gotten over the yrs seems to have been of no help for her since she is still asking and asking but then again ok
The problem is that some people do not recognize very easily problems that they have in a marriage.
Her husband has many good qualities, but some of his negative qualities written by the OP are:
You have written that she is looking for attention--and maybe she is, but WHY is that? If a person feels suicidal, overdoses on drugs...that is serious. Her husband needs to step up. And furthermore, this forum has helped many people, including myself, and it isn't like the OP has been writing everyday here--her first post was in 2012. When people look for attention, it's usually because they are lacking it from somewhere else.
And it doesn't appear that she is not satisfied with the answers, confused maybe as she titled one of her posts with the word confused. But she appears to be genuine, she writes:
So, yes, she may have flaws, as we all do--but I think she is in a place where it isn't easy to let go or easy to stay. That is worse, in my opinion, than being a relationship where one should obviously leave--in her situation, nothing is clear. I don't envy her one bit.
In general, the only reason I replied to your comment is because I think we should be careful and mindful of people's situations especially because people in abusive relationships really struggle with ending the relationship and knowing how to be treated and could read a comment like this and be reluctant to ask for help.
People ask for help for genuine reasons, for attention, for venting, but sometimes because they are confused. Sometimes they do not recognize the problem. Sometimes they don't know that they are in an abusive relationship or that their mistreatment is abnormal. Although, I understand where you were coming from, I also wanted to shed light on how your words could be taken as well. Just my opinion--thanks for reading.
May Allah swt give us all patience and always help us to couple our best intentions with the best of actions, Ameen.
I really see no issues here just the wear and tear stuff going on.
only 1 thing I will say here: be his servant and he will be your slave.
Make him feel respected and use nice words like darling, baby, honey and anything in your own language to comfort him and he definitely needs you. He needs your care. Give him lots of love. He needs your attention. Hug him tight and say you will there for him forever. Humbly/lovingly tell him that you dont like few things that he does. Right time to say is during your bed time or while you are deep in love.
Just tell him like "Darling if you dont get me things then who will get me. I am dependent on you. Wont you do this to your darling"..something cheesy. Guys will love it. Give him lots of love. He may be needing you physically . try to understand his patterns and do things which he like. Do 1 thing for him and insha allah he will do 10 things for you. Guys are generally weak. You take him out and as a family go out somewhere.. take time to relax your self. Hold him tight. kiss him and say you still love him.
Have patience and show patience because your kids will do the same to their partners, Girls are not meant to be dominant their beauty is patience. Learn to hold your tonque. Make any rough situation romantic.
When he says something tell him " ok darling I am not saying anyting which you dont like" make him cool. Once he is cool then slowly tell him how you felt and tell him mow do you feel.
Marriage is an art where both will shape your future and life. Pls dont be a bad example for your children. You will see your deeds on your children.
Dont get wrong advises from people. They may not be applicable to you and your family and you will end up doing something which is really not required.
Divorce is not at all an option. Dont ever think of this word again in your life. For God sake pls.
Jazakkallah
Yes I agree with this man 100% increase the love and you will get love and respect b ack but if you try to act tough he will also increase in toughness
You sound like my wife and your husband sound like me, lol crazy world huh? It is super frustrating to deal with people of short temper, so I would also like an answer to this.
Assalam alaikum,
Honestly, the responses on this post are harsh. I have read through your previous posts and I do not think you are looking for attention, nor do I think that you having patience will solve the problem.
If you are avoiding divorce by walking on eggshells or by saying 'yes' and 'no' when you 'should', you have a problem in your marriage--and just because other people have more problems than you, doesn't mean you should live with the problems you have. There is no sin in searching for improvement in your marriage.
I understand that you are from Pakistan--your mother's past advice coupled with your husband's behaviour basically says that you, as a woman, are inferior and your opinion is not to be respected. That is the overall message. Honestly, your husband wants a typical marriage and part of him feeling like a "real man" comes from how he treats you. He sounds quite insecure. You mentioned he called you names (previous post) and it seems he belittles you and has a low view of you in terms of keeping house. Rather than belittle you or treat you like a child or put you down, this should be discussed with maturity to find a better plan to support you in how "no food in the house"-situations can be avoided.
Your husband is subtle in his bad treatment of you--not enough to make you feel you should end it, but just enough to keep you confused and in a place of "maybe it isn't so bad" or "maybe this is all normal."
The point isn't what is normal or not, the point is that there should be respect and love for one another in a family. If he works, he gets to come home and relax--but you, being a housewife, don't get to "leave" work because you are always there! There has to be time for you and even the Prophet, peace be upon him, worked at home and did household chores. But, you are married to a man who is indoctrinated with customs that are no inline with yours.
He isn't going to change. You both need to find a REALLY GOOD counsellor and work on this marriage. And YES, I can assure you that the both of you fighting is negatively influencing your children--it is hurting them. It is, not however, your fault. In fact, I don't want to get into pointing fingers--but I will say that you should not accept how you are being treated. I am not telling you to fight with him or cause a scene, but I am telling you to take on a project of making your marriage better. You should not accept it because you are genuinely not happy due to valid reasons and there is nothing wrong with changing how you approach a problem in your marriage--or even expecting him to. Raising the standard in your marriage, together, is not wrong. Why wouldn't a man or a woman want that for their spouse?
You are valid in your concerns.
Do not argue with your husband, at this time, because you need to learn how to "argue" effectively with him to find a solution to the problem, not to make points on who is right or who is wrong.
Do not cry or beg him for things--this is not going to work at all.
Stop doing household repairs that men in his culture would normally do. It is hurting you and you end up expecting he will appreciate you. Instead, you focus 100% on running the house for your children and him in terms of food, clothes, etc. Also, give him the bills before the due date (at least a week) and let him take care of paying them. Stop using your tutoring money to pay for necessities of the house that are his work. If there is something that is a luxury item that you want (like a lotion or a book), use it for that. Again, please ensure you are clear on necessity vs. luxury.
You stood by him during his sexual molestation accusation--you need some help right now too--especially emotionally. Crying, begging, yelling, fighting are all failed tools that you are resorting to and you have to stop. You need to get his attention another way. Improve on your organization by banking time on things that are/were normally his job--and when the topic comes up--"what is going on?" or "how come you haven't fixed that or paid that" talk to him about improving the relationship between the both of you. Tell him that you want to go to a counsellor agreed upon by both of you--and tell him that his happiness is very important to you and that you believe that your happiness is also important to him. Everything you need to say, say it tactfully and lovingly--because you want to achieve your goal without worsening your marriage.
Your children need this. You need this...and he does too.
I pray that inn shaa Allah that Allah swt mends your marriage in such a way that it improves better than what you imagine. I pray that Allah swt ease your pain and help you through each hurdle, Ameen.