I lost my virginity to my boyfriend; will any Muslim man accept me?
Who should you marry?
Selam Alikum brothers and sisters !
I live in Europe, and always i was between two worlds, east and west... As i said i live on the west but east is in my heart (Islam)... In high school when i was 17 I met a muslim guy... After some time we started relationship, really that was pure and blind love... We thought we will be forever together...
The problem started 2 years later when our friends started talking like that is funny to be in relationship and don't have sex, that is normal and all people do it... Really me and my boyfriend didn't want do it, but one day a devil came between us, and we did it, there wasn't joy, we didn't do it like other couples do, but whatever i lost my virginity...
That was first and last time...It's my biggest mistake ever, both of us regret! We felt a big pressure and I said to him I don't have any man in my life... After that I complately changed my life, I returned to Islam, I've learned from my mistake and that is like black spot on my heart...
I spend days and months to pray to Allah for forgiviness and I put Islam on the first place in my life... Now I am 23 and this is time for looking for husband and family, but I am afraid that I will not find a good muslim, because he will never accept me although I changed and follow Islam now!!
Every night I spend in crying and regret, because of my mistake... Really I don't know what I have to do, I wish someone can give me advices...
Allah bless you !
~ emarose
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Brother Asif,
We do not allow exchange of personal contact information here.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
so how i contact her?????????
You cannot.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wa'alykumsalam sister Emarose !
You've committed a major sin. But since you told you've regretted and repented and made Islam your number one priority then you've saved our lecturing time.
Since you started following Islam sincerely, then I believe you already stopped your communications with non-mahrams.
Now since you are seeking to marry, talk to your parents, ask them to search for you a good pious muslim husband. Do not haste and do not do it byyourself. Insha'Allah you will get one. Just keep on praying, ask Allah to have mercy on you, ask Him to guide you.
On a personal note, I believe, you have to inform your potential husband about your pasts, whether he ask or not. If he accepts you then and there, alhamdullilah. If he denys you then and there, alhamdullilah ala kulli haal.
Why ? Because, by being honest you can actually save your marriage from future harm. I know many people who committed zina before marriage and years after marriage, they grew to love the person they are with and it tempts them to reveal their evil pasts even after repenting due to the feeling of deceiving. And/or their husband finds out and their marriage is doomed.
You can tell your potential husband that you have repented sincerely etc. He might actually accept you.
Basically, would you want to be a devorcee later on in life, if after marriage your husband finds out about your pasts ?
Generally, a husband wants to marry virgins. It makes them feel proud, satissfied, following the sunnah etc but if he finds out that his wife deceived him, he would go berserk. So in order to save that, its bettter to be honest.
Just Imagine if your ex reveals the secret to your future husband? Only Allah knows what he'll do to you.
Salaams,
I do understand why you would suggest her telling a future prospective husband about her post and starting the relationship with honesty; but Islamically we are to hide our pasts sins and avoid telling them unless it's unavoidable or absolutely necessary. She isn't required to tell anyone about what she did in the past, and it would be unilaterally advised that she would refrain from doing so.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ok, Amy let me ask you something. What if your husband had sex with many women or was involved with a woman who he had sex, and then broke up. Now he wanted to find a nice virgin girl and he asked for repentance from Allah. Now this being said, you're also a virgin who desires a man who is pure just like you.
He seems honest, he seems kind, he's really religious, and now 10 years later you come to find out that your husband had sex with this woman, how would you feel? Now should he have not told you since Islam says to hide our past sins?
Islam also says no fornication before marriage, and you obviously didn't follow that. So why do you choose to follow this all of a sudden? Islam also says do not lie, so....you don't have to listen to that? Islam also says a woman must protect her chastity, and you failed on that. So does it make sense to compound this mistake? And hurt someone in the process?
Why not be open to him? And if you aren't able to be open to him, then why are you marrying him?
You're simply repeating arguments that have already been addressed in the comments here. Lying is forbidden in Islam; disclosing sins is also not recommended. One should find a middle ground between the two.
And to answer your question, if I'd been happily married to a woman for ten years, then I discovered that she committed a sin before we were married, I would not care. I would focus on the ten years of happiness, rather than something from the past that no one can change.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with you! why would it even matter when someone changed themselves for the better. is it not the whole point of life? is to become better people than we were yesterday?
and by the way, lies only exist due to people who cant take the truth! people have no reason to lie but a forced to because of their circumstances. everyone makes mistakes whether its fornication or murder the difference is our reaction to them which makes them better or worse people. so it all depends on us, we will always see what we want to see in the end..
Salaams,
From both of your posts it sounds like there was deception involved against you. Nowhere have I given advice for someone to lie, so if your wife lied to you and told you she was a virgin when she was in fact not a virgin, yes of course she would be wrong for that.
If, however, you never asked her, or she never volunteered that information, and then after years of marriage you decide you need to know about her premarital past, I think that falls somewhat under the advice of "don't ask questions you can't handle knowing the answers to".
I can sympathize with being in a position where you feel you need to know certain information, and certainly one's sexual history is impactful because they may have contracted some sort of STD and not know it. But before I ask a question like that, I make up my mind before I get an answer how important it is. Is it a dealbreaker, or is it something I can live without knowing about? Is it something that could change the relationship, and how? I try to know how I will respond to any information I will get before I find something unexpected out and let it push me into a direction that may not be wise based on my emotional reaction.
It's better to sort these things out before marriage. That way, nasty surprises don't happen after you've already made a serious commitment. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for a potential spouse's sexual history, but the partner has the right to refuse to disclose it. The person asking also has the right to discontinue pursuing marriage if that's not acceptable to them. Everyone has rights based on dignity.
To answer what you asked me directly, I can tell you that I've been married and found out things about my spouse's past that were serious, and things he did within the marriage that were serious. The issues were never what HE did. It was what I wanted. And once I had my values in place, making choices were just a matter of discipline in walking them out. I know exactly what it's like to accept a serious fault in someone, and what it's like to tell someone a fault is a boundary violation. There is nobility in both choices, but we should be making those decisions prayerfully and with an intention toward the best interests of all involved.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Do only this girl has right to marry a good guy...what about that guy who will marry her don't he has right to marry a virgin girl..what if in the first night of them he find her not virgin he will talaakh her then what....this will be simply cheating nothing more if u got point keep informing
I agree with Amy, why would she do that. Her previous life is her previous life, and that sin is for Allah to know. By telling her future husband about her past, she will literally destroy her marriage and suffer for the rest of her life. As a guy, I wouldn't accept a girl if she lost her virginity and I knew of it. I rather not know and start a new future even if she is not a virgin, because in a man's heart, this antagonism will grow against the wife and it will ruin the relationship. The past is the past, and it's better not said and left alone.
I agree. It is sad in the quran, That one should hide their sins, not show them and tell them to other people. No matter what you have done in your past, that's your past, and that is between you and Allah. And if you have repented Inshallah , Allah has already forgiven you. But you should NEVER EVER forget what you have done, i will recommend you to not tell it to your future husband, because why should you confess your sin? confessing a sin is also a sin.
I wish you good luck, and i hope my advice was helpful
If i committed any mistakes or sad something wrong, that hurt you . PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
See what ever it is you need to tell the truth. If you do not it will ruin your marriage in the future. The best part is that you have repented to your sin, Allah always forgives to those who repent. Allah will give you a chance, just do not lie anything.
I am a strong believer of virginity and would never touch a women in that manner before marriage, no matter what. No situation can make me do that. Obviously I too want a virgn wife. I believe Allah will help me in that as I have stayed virgn and I believe in it. Even though I fell for a girl, a wrong one though, I repented later. Even though I loved her, I never never had any wrong intentions with her before marriage.
But if a girl has done a mistake and if she seriously repents it, I am sure Allah has forgiven her for that. This type of a person is far better than many virgn women who have not had sex but have done other wrong stuff and never repent.
If she has repented, maybe I would think and consider. I would need time to think.
Dont have tension. mostly husband are much eager at the time of suhag night.means first night. therfore most people that they havnt experienced zina they dont know virginity.so it is requestd tht dont tel to ur husband tht u hav lost virginity.if he undrstood then tel him tht u hav done these all with ur fingures.may be tht he should satisfy.we pray.say lie at first day and get rid of tension forever and follow always truth.
saif, I deleted your contact information. We do not allow posting private contact information on this website. Please keep that in mind in the future.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wrong. Lying once will lead to further tension and repercussion.
"…Indeed Allaah does not guide one who is a transgressor and a liar." [Quran 40:28]
"They only invent falsehood who do not believe in the verses of Allah , and it is thosewho are the liars." [Quran 16:105]
"Knoweth he not that Allah doth see?; Let him beware! If he desist not, We will drag him by the forelock,- A lying, sinful forelock!; Then, let him call (for help) to his council (of comrades): We will call on the angels of punishment (to deal with him)!" [Quran 96:14-18]
“Indeed, truth leads to virtue and virtue leads to Paradise, and a truthful person continues to speak the truth until he becomes the most truthful person. Lies lead to evil and evil leads to Hell, and a liar continues to lie until he is listed as a high ranking liar before Allaah." [Sahih Muslim]
“The signs of the hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust.” (Sahih Bukhari, Muslim)
"The biggest breach of trust is that you tell a thing to your brother who believes it to be true, whereas you have lied to him." [Abu Daawood]
But apparently, this part can be ignored... lol.
I agree with you completely, my wife did that stuff before marriage, and instead of opening up to me, she told me that she was religious and all that stuff, and even put me down for not having experience... now 2 years later I find out she had sex with not 1 but 2 men prior to me... however with me she wouldn't do anything until marriage, we knew each other 3 years.
No 2 years after our marriage, she finally opens up when I find out a few things and told her I'd expose her if she wasn't honest with me, and I am having a hard time dealing with this. The fact that she opened up gives me relief and I won't expose her or hate, but I cannot be her husband. I feel betrayed, and if she had told me this before marriage I would have married her and things would have just been fine.
But you must be honest. If you think that the other person should find it in his/her heart to forgive you (which is really hard to do), you should find it in your heart to be honest prior to marriage.
The fact that she put you down for not having sexual experience should have been a clue. In any case, I'm sorry for your emotional suffering. I would be upset too if I were in your position.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
She has had a past is Expectable, but a hypocrite is not! Do the rite thing and say good bye. Honesty is trust and trust is true love
well, too bad for you! suck it up and get over it if you can for your own good!
honestly, open your eyes and look around! there are so many important things to worry about than your wife's past. i have no sympathy for people like you because all you guys can do is act like kids in every situation and cry instead of manning up!
im sure if the situation was switch around your potential wife wouldnt even give a shit! atleast she didnt do all those things while she was married to you. there are so many virgin/ chaste wives who cheat on their husbands .....would you have that instead? honestly, i have never met a man who's world revolves around his wife's past so bad! its insane.....if you can't support her or understand her than leave her! cz man you poor thing cant even get over yourself so how will you take care of someone else? you need to seriously work on yourself first 🙂 good luck with that
Wael, when there is Qadr is it's hard to act on even the greatest of all hints. I had at least several hints prior to marriage that were apparent but I did not follow my instincts until I got to know that my wife had a long history of sexual relationships. Some sisters are highly manipulative and are capable of doing that evilest of acts and when Allah's plans are playing out, you just don't get it.
salam,
amy sister, you said islamically we are supposed to hide our sins. so what happens if a husband/fiancee keeps asking his wife/fiancee to swear on his head that she has never committed zina before? Does she lie and hide it and move on, or does she have to admit it? Same goes for parents. I'm guessing people would rather tell their spouse instead of their parents.
Salaams,
Swearing on one's husband's/fiance's head? What in the world is that? The only real oath is one taken by Allah, not on some other person or a grave or someone's life. No one is obligated to make any oath of any kind, even to swear by Allah. Honestly, for one person to ask another person to make such an oath to me is a frivolous use of swearing altogether. Someone should be comfortable enough taking another Muslim at their word without requiring such nonsense, and if they don't then I would suspect they have trust issues that not even swearing will absolve.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
So to answer your question, if someone were asking me to swear to them that I'm telling the truth before they consent to marrying me, I would simply tell them "you take me at my word or you don't. Simple as that. I'm not going to feel pressured by you to make some oath I wouldn't ordinarily make to satisfy your lack of trust in me.".
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Has she got married now?...
If not then how can I contact her
We do not allow exchange of private contact info. If you are seeking a spouse you can try one of the Muslim matrimonial services like Zawaj.com or Muslima.com.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It is Haraam to swear by anyone other than Allah:
"Whoever swears by anything other than Allaah is guilty of kufr or shirk." (Saheeh, narrated by Ahmad, Abu Dawood, al-Tirmidhi)
And in my opinion, one should not lie if one is guilty of Zina, if being asked by her to be husband. This is what I think I read, that the scholars say. And Allah Knows Best. This is because lying is not Islamic, and she would be deceiving her husband by lying. But this sin should ideally be hidden from everyone, until there is this necessity of speaking the truth, i.e. on being asked by the husband/fiance.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam,
so if a man asks a woman that are you a virgin or not, and the women says iam not, then the man decides to not marry this woman( although he himself may have not avirgin himself), then there remainsthe possibility that this man can go and tell other people that this woman is not chaste etc,and potentially spoiling her chances of getting married even before it starts.
also if you are telling your husband or fiance( although there is nothing like fiance in islam) isnt it too late! now you have spoiled your life and his life and your mariage!
so i think what you dont want anyone to know , dont tell it to any one, as the moment a secret leaves your tongue its no longer a secret! Allah kept it this secret safe for you keep it that way. trust in Allah.
you can say, allah guides who ever He wills, and alhamdulillah allah has guided me towards marriage.( ofcourse there should be no malicious intention of decieving someone )
Salaams,
Lol, if I was a single lady and a prospective suitor came to me and asked me point blank if I was a virgin, I would say "I can tell you right now that you are not my type, because you are much too shallow. Please go ahead and look elsewhere", and then I would leave the room. I would still say that even if I was a virgin, because it's true. To me some things just don't need to be asked when you are getting to know someone, there are more important things to get to know which will have much more of an impact on the success of the marriage overall.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com
Assalamualaikum sister..
I have to say i disagree with your above comment. A person should have the right to ask their potential partner before marraige if they are a virgin or not because believe itor not many people wait half of their lives and not have sex before marraige. Its not 'shallow' to ask/think that they would like to get married to someone who also is clean and a virgin. nowdays people commit zina and fornification soo easily its disgusting.
Those who are not virgins should say so to if asked by their partner to marry and not conceal it. its not nice i know but if you do the act then face the consequences. Tough.
How does you being virgin guarantee a happy everlasting blissful life for SURE?
Salam, Sister
when ever you take a dicision about reveling such things you have to think of your self as a human being first and then a Muslim Human Being. When you were born you were not a muslim, but soon after they did the azan in your ear and you became a muslim.
So i reveling such info will hurt you as a human being, then dont do it, for satisfing the second part of you.
Khuda Hafiz
Salam,
Making some one swear , for one own benefit is called munipilation. ( getting someone to do some thing that he or she does not agree with)
So if he wants to play smart, then you should also play smart. Dont be a fool and hurt your self emotionlly, you will regret it and it will add to your stress.
Khuda Hafiz
Islamically, we should not reveal our own sin and shame (ayb) just like we are required to hide the sin and shame of others. If the man she is about to marry considers virginity a main priority then she does not have to marry him but she still does not have to reveal her past sin for the sake of Allah. There is also a danger that this man may reveal it to others thus encouraging sin.
Dear sister,
Emarose,
You have not committed any sin.err is human.God is very mercifull.No one is free from any sin.Try to live boldly.
You have done mistake by expressing that you have sinned.even if you marry you need not tell any one .if even any one tells against you,you have to say it is wrong.whether other man believes it or not.learn to leave boldly.you have many jewels with you ie you are young.if you have supporters try to find a good boy for you.
All those who have married are not successfully happy.It depends on your luck.just because you want to become
Muslim that does not meen any good person of your choice will marry you.if you go on repenting like this some
Bad fellows will extract you by all means and put you and your people in trouble.If you are working try to earn
And be supportive to your people if need be.Try to stabilize yourself by all means.Read a lot about daily events,life of big personalities,religions.Reading makes a perfect person.slowly learn hou to control stress.Do not
Smoke or drink.If you are too much stressed consult a psychiatrist.so that with very small pils you will find calmness and peace of mind.If any body says only mad people go to psychiatrist they are fools.Keep all your emotions aside look at the world there are many young women have become wictims to dowy and harassment
And returned home.learn meditation.prayer is also meditation .look the beutiful creation god made the nature.learn controlling stress.learn all good habits.love your mother and father however good or bad they are.slowly understand that god is always with you and learn all methods of controlling stress.To tell you I have my only friend ie god.about stress controll,read on Internet.
God bless you
Jawad
"You have not committed any sin.err is human.God is very mercifull.No one is free from any sin.Try to live boldly."
Fornication is a sin without a doubt. It should not be belitted in any way and as it's important for a person to take responsibility for their actions and accept they sinned then I would say this statement could be misleading.
At the same time there is this mindset that one needs to guilt trip themselves over a sin/bad habit/past mistake continously and they should despair and hate themselves because of this sin.
Yes we need to accept 'I made a mistake' and feel some guilt- but repentance is NOT about guilt. It's about turning back to Allah and leaving the sin for the sake of Allah! Islam does not encourage torturing oneself with guilt trips and past sins - Allah wants what is best for us and wants us to excel.
Also by guilt tripping yourself sister you are denying Allah's GREAT mercy.
Is your sin bigger than the mercy of Allah?
Really?
There is an e book on ipersonalenrichment.com that deals with this issue in a good way.
Sara
IslamicAnswerscom Editor
So we are blindly supposed to believe that we married a virgin. If we don't ask. What if a man or woman who has slept with multiple people, shouldn't we still ask to prevent ourselves from getting diseases. Shouldn't certain sins be known to protect ourselves, I think :/
See my comment below.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Lol i agree with u!
i love a girl and i know she ....................... Plz guyz help what should i do?
(Question deleted. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. Thank you. IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
I have a great way to fix this problem fellas.
So first of all, there is the right to know, and then their is a right to keep a secret.
Instead of asking 'are you a virgin?'
Just ask 'what do you think about sex and virginity?'
Maybe the person will ask you back, and since you asked, it means it means a lot to you.
If not, she/he might respond something else other than 'yes' or 'no'.
It's embarrassing to ask, as much as it's embarrassing to answer.
I believe if virginity is a really big matter to you, you should ask you 'partner' in the way I just said.
If it's not a big deal, then why bother asking? Did you save Yourself?
Just beat around the bush, don't get straight at it, or people will think you're sick or impolite. You might 'feel' the answer with time.
I'll say again, there are some people who really waited till marriage. What will go through them when they know that you couldn't do the same for them?
So instead of creating problems try to fix them in the right manner.
Peace!
For some people virginity is NOT important, it may be because of their past sins as well or etc but for other pure pious men/women, it is of high importance.
Allah has forbidden zina and the ways to zina many many times in the qur'an. It just shows how much people long for virgins. For the people who committed zina should've realised their future troubles before committing it.
Our prophet himself commanded us to marry virgins.
If ones wife/husband asked about their evil past (zina etc), I believe they have to speak the truth.
This is modern generation, where "trust" is scarce and falsehood is more.
Everybody expects a "YES" or "NO" answer and not " why would I do such things " lol.
So basically, if one is asked about his/her sinful pasts, and if he/she gives an indirect answer even though he/she is truthfull, that person has just open the door of suspiscions. If one say "NO", then it has to be truthfull. If one has committed zina and he/she lied indirectly then the spouse would assume it a YES and it'll lead to double trouble.
Its better if the spouse hears the truth from you than if they hear from others.
Allah has forbidden lying many times in the Qur'an. Infact, it is one of the 10 commandments of Allah. Just imagine its severeness.
And also, lying one time means lying hundred times. Because if we make up somthing, we have to back it up with another lie and so on.
We should not deceive our spouse. Our prophet said " those who deceive is not from my ummah "
so if you lie, its just sin after sin after sin.
Men can find about your pasts more efficiently and quickly as in general the scocial circle is bigger. If after you lie and he found out the truth, then you are doomed.
Personally, we chaste men have done hard work to protect our privateparts even in this times of big fitnah and fasad. We thank Allah for that so much. And because of this we highly expect to marry just the likes of us; Pure, innocent women. virginity is very important also simply because I want to cherish that beautifull moment with my potential wife. This is a beautifull blessing and I just want that instant to be a perfect moment.
May Allah protect us from deceivers and liars. Ameen.
I agree with u brother
For some people virginity is NOT important, it may be because of their past sins as well or etc but for other pure pious men/women, it is of high importance.
Just to clarify, it is not always the case. I know plenty of pious virgin girls who do not make virginity a requirement per say. Just because someone does not mind someones 'past status' doesnt mean they themselves have past sins.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yes you're right, its not always the case and that's why I used the words " some people ", " may be " and " etc
Yes.
I agree. I dont in anyway dispute what you are saying brother. I agree with it and I know exactly how you feel about the fitnah and how much work goes into keeping oneself pure in a society where there is just sex everywhere. It drives sisters crazy enough as it is so I can't imagine what it is like for brothers. Probably extremely frustrating. All around you you've got non-Muslims and even some Muslims having haraam relationships whilst other Muslims are marrying and you just feel 'stuck in the middle really!' lol. Contrary to popular belief virgin sisters want virgin brothers too (although sisters are laughed at by elders if we make this a requirement - double standards) because they want it to be 'special' and exclusive too.
There is nothing wrong with it. Its a persons right if they have saved themself but I just think sometimes being open minded is important. Essentially it boils down to the reason why a person wants a virgin - if its to follow the sunnah or because they saved themselves and it's their right then, Alhumdulilah - just make it clear and it will hopefully keep those who have fallen into that sin away (or those who don't like men requesting such things.)
If it's because they think non-virgins (who've repented & changed) are bad Muslims or disgusting or less than them then they should fear Allah and realise that maybe one who is sinned and repented is better than them if they have the correct attitude. It's important but not the 'be-all,' 'end all.' Well not for me (and my friends) anyway.
Because ultimately maybe a virgin is not necessarily best for a person. Maybe Allah plans to give a person someone who made a mistake but maybe he/she would be a wonderful spouse to the person. For me that trust in Allah is important. I am just trying to break down the stereotypes - not promote marriage between virgins and non-virgins. I believe that these stereotypes are damaging to our community and we need to be more open-minded and learn to agree to disagree in some cases.
Now I've said that let's agree to (partially) disagree 🙂
May Allah give you a beautiful, pure pious spouse (who is best for you)
Ameen.
W/salaam
I agree sister. As much as I don't look down on anyone who has sinned and repented (I would accept them in every other aspect of life beside marriage) I would be heartbroken to find out after marriage that my wife was not pure. Alhamdulillah, I have been able to keep myself pure till this age (25) despite people having extra-marital relations in my society all around me. It's one thing to struggle against one's own desires but its another to have to do it while other are enjoying haraam relations everywhere you go, at school, work, etc. And after all that effort, it would feel like a betrayal if my wife weren't pure herself. That is why I intend to make it clear to a prospect that I want someone with no experience of physical/emotional premarital relations (like myself), although I would never ask her to reveal her past directly. Although I must state that there are some women I know who have such modesty that I would never suspect them of having done anything of that nature, alhamdulillah 🙂 Every time I get these thoughts, I tell myself that just like I haven't done the deed, Allah must have prepared for me a similar wife somewhere, Insha Allah. I pray he lets me find her and marry her soon. However, it isn't that easy to get married because I am from a different country and the local families are hesitant to marry their daughter to a foreigner. My parents also want me to marry from my home country, but then I don't speak that language too well and feel that I would connect with local woman better. Sadly, marriage to save ourselves from sin has become so complex, whereas Allah had meant it to be easy!
I don't think any pious Muslim man will be comfortable in asking the girl if she was virgin, lol...
But just imagine, if she lied, and later, the man found out that she lied, I don't think the result will be any less than divorce. And Allah Knows Best.
I had read something regarding this, but I can not recall where, that she has to speak the truth, and she had to think before she did such a sin and it made a lot of sense. But as you said, friend, there are chances that he tells everyone about it. I'm confused... Lol.. Allah Knows Best. But I am still of the opinion that she should not lie.
Wallahu A'lam
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Why is everyone acting as if it's a choice between revealing one's past sins, or lying? Both of these are forbidden in Islam! A Muslim should not reveal his past sins which Allah by His mercy has concealed; and a Muslim should not lie.
Therefore, dear sister, you can say,
"I will not answer such questions about whatever sins or mistakes I have made in the past. Whatever I have done in the past is between me and Allah, and I have made tawbah for any mistakes I may have done, and I have nothing more to say about it. If you can accept this, then Insha'Allah we can continue; if not, then I am not the right woman for you."
Hold fast to this and do not answer any questions about past relationships, sins, etc. Ever. Even after you are married. It is between you and your Lord.
Tami mentioned diseases. That is another matter. If a Muslim knows that he/she has a contagious disease, it is an obligation to inform any prospective partner. Similarly, if a Muslim has a serious physical defect, or cannot bear children, or already has a child by a previous partner, then such things must be disclosed, because they will directly affect the other person.
I might add that the sin should still not be disclosed. It's also reasonable to say, "I will not discuss any incidents from my past, but to address your concern about diseases I am willing to take an STD test to show you that I have no communicable diseases."
In fact some countries routinely require a blood test before granting a marriage license.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com
Not directly asking the girl lol. Thats awkward. Asking her family indirectly instead. And there are many ways to do it. I've got two cousin bro who got married around 3 yrs ago and one of their requirements was virgin girl, but the priority was religion as usual. Alhamdullilah for them there marriage life is perfectly fine till date.
I dont know if its just me, but in this generation where fornication is widespread, boyfriend-girlfriend relation is widespread etc and for those of us ( atleast for me and some of my friends ) who are sincere with regards to religion and pure, we desperately want sisters to be just like us. We want to get married to " pious pure ones " insha'Allah. So yes, lying and deceiving is evil. Truth is bitterly great. This for us is justice.
Interesting...
Why should the potential have the RIGHT to ask such sinful questions?-are you virgin or have you been in anu relationship before marriage? Potential spouse has NO RIGHT to ask and find out about an individual's past.
The only RIGHT a potential spouse has is to outline his perference by saying (not ask but say) "I only wish to marry a virgin" or "I wish to marry a sister who never been in relationship before marriage" even this he should emphasi it between their first conversation. As soon as he mention his preference and if the sister does not meet his preference then she should still continue the marriage conversation as per normal. After their marriage conversation is over, she should kindly tell her wali that she is not interested in this brother without the need to give reason to her parents, because SINS are not allowed to be revealed to any human soul, let that soul be one's parents or potential spouse.
Sin is a private matter and so must be kept private- never talk about your sin to anyone apart from Allah (swt) alone.
All those sisters out of their goodness of their heart revealed their sin only faced injustice and abuse from imperfect human beings. Hence, more than brothers I say sisters should protect and guard their past.
As for the sister in question,
provided you have no emotional attachment with your ex then inshaAllah you have right to marry a good and caring practising Muslim brother. Purpose of marriage is to build the Muslim ummah. An ummah which practices Islam and Loves Allah (swt), and I certaintly think you have this crediabilty to raise a pious Muslim family and inshaAllah, Allah (swt) will be well pleased with you. Please don't let your past eat you up. You have amended your ways and now living your life according to Allah (swt) commands.
And please never disclose or hint your past to anyone. If a potential spouse wishes to discover (asks you) your past for his future purposes then please avoid talking about your past and later say 'no' to him, I.e. don't accept his proposal. I mean with Allah's will I have been protected from premartial relationship but if a potential spouse ASKs me such indecent and disrespectful questions-( how dare he stepping in my wali's house and proposing, without doing his homework before hand about me and my family)- I will reject such proposals without any delay, as to me such brothers comes across as paranoid practising Muslim brothers and as someone who doesn't really understands the true purpose of this life.
I pray that Allah (swt) makes this easy for you.
Your sister, Parveen
Xxx
Not being a virgin is indecent and shameful!
Lol then I guess every parent is as you say, since they have all clearly lost their virginity.
I hope something like this would never be said to someone who was raped.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister amy i dont see how parents come into this discussion. Im talking muslims having premarital relationships that includes having sex. Not being a virgin before marraige.. And not concealing it if asked by potential spouse. This is wrong. Please read my above comment again.. I have put it in very simple english lang lol. Cant do more simplier
actually you wrote that not being a virgin is ... you did not specify "before marriage"
Ur comment is very insulting !! U know why!! Because ur a human being ! And all human beings Make mistakes and SIN!! I would like to see you SIN and lets see how you judge urself then!! I hate close minded opinions like this !
Seriously!!
You cannot just judge a lady who is not a virgin, pointing out that its shameful and indecent. Yes most ladies have committed this sin but they have repent and asked forgiveness. A non-virgin woman could be a better person than you, even if she's not a virgin.. just saying 🙂
Salam Sister emarose,
Please dont hurt your self regreting it, whats done is done. And its not your fault, he was the one that approched you, thats how the relationship started. Its completely normal, its happned and its gone.
The best thing to do now is to pretend. Just be a Vir***, act like one and pretend to be one. Get married and never tell your husband about it. Live a great life, and worry about what has happend when you are in Heaven or Hell. He is not going to find out if you are a Verg. They are not going to take you to a doctor. Most girls loose their Hym**s when they are playing sports. Get into sports, so you have an excuse to back it up, if it every comes up.
Make sure you dont tell any one. Your worring about it not going to change anything. Its gona only hurt you.
Your Brother.
Khuda Hafiz.
Sorry? Not her fault? Whos fault is it then? Did her boyfriend force her? And she should not lie and pretend!!! If asked she should tell the truth! Or marry a non virgin men..
@muslimgirl i was once like you set that no virgins should marry non virgins, but you know what i am so glad i changed my mind set, because i knew someone who got raped at work and you what that wasn't her fault either so would you blame that on her. I get where you coming from but even being honest to guys they will never except a woman who lost her virginity even if it was or wasn't her fault its double standards. Look around this website how many life's are destroyed once found out, they have to conceal their past sins whether question asked or not and not everyone is 100% perfect we have to learn and learn to forgive the rest leave it to allah to judge.
Being raped is a different matter. This post is not about being raped. The poster did not get raped.. Read the original post properly. Why are people talking about rape here.. My comments on this thread are clear not so hard to understand .
Its just an example to say not to judge people who couldn't control in a situation that happen to them even if one did lose their virginity some women are naive and men do take advantage its control. Its easy to speak and say non virgins to marry non virgins and should tell the truth about their past. I disagree with that cos if someone asked me i would highly be offended and secondly i wouldn't marry a man who asked me in the first place i tell him to walk ahead that is shallow, thirdly i tell someone to mind their own business if that was all they cared about. But not everyone thinks like this i dont expect them to agree but that's my opinion
@emarose do not tell anyone about your past leave it to allah repent, i am sure allah will make it easy for you inshallah. I also wish you the best for the future and you find yourself a good husband who excepts you for the qualities you have as a wife and you be happy because some people deserve a second chance and you do.
Dear Sister, ALLAH is so kind n Merciful that u can not imagine His kindness. All Muslims are humans also, n a human is fallible, we all commit mistakes, n sins. If unofficial sex is sin, breaking promise, telling lies, hurting others, eating haram food, disobeying parents, backbiting,...all these are also sins. ALLAH do understand the natural psyche of a person. That is why ALLAH has said to ask for His forgiveness for our sins, He love the one drop of tear that we produce in shame n guilt, n nodoubt He is there to listen us n understand us..He surely would have forgiven you... so do not feel that much bad inside you..n trust ALLAH. He is so kind n merciful..He loves us 70% more than our mothers do...
Try to live happy, smile n feel confident being a Muslim. Change ur name as a Muslim, n own n love ur identity as a Mulsim. Do not be influenced by remarks of others, rather inspire others with ur amazing Islamic strong character. Say No to every thing that is non Islamic. n be a good girl, U will find respect n honor for sure, n someone will be inspired by ur character that much that he surely will marry you inshaALLAH.. Its ALLAH's decision, do not worry..just try to forget about this sex act..just FORGET N MOVE ON!!! n be a nice Muslim girl, do not trouble urself that much, be original n be strong 🙂 We all are with u for ur goodness.
May ALLAH help u n guide you in every way ameen.
Hope to read ur positive reply soon.
Take care
Seriously Respect!!
Love this post. Major respect.
This mke me have doubt why someone take virgin as a big matter..even if found out later then divorce..
Salaams,
I personally don't know why this is given premium attention over other aspects (character, personality etc) either. I don't think being a virgin when you marry is a thing that ultimately makes or breaks a marriage over the long run, but then again I'm saying that as someone in an age bracket where most singles are already divorced and looking to remarry; and I also live in a culture where many Muslims are converts and so virginity is the last thing presumed. All I know is that my previous husband was a virgin when we married and he ended up having a very bad character. I thought it would be different because he "saved himself for marriage", but that ended up not even making a difference in the scheme of things.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree. my two-cents: he took her virginity, but he did not and will NEVER take her self-worth. Do not think of yourself as anything less than human, that is why sins exist, that is why life is not a straight path, you have to make mistakes and LEARN TO FORGIVE YOURSELF. It is a sin to doubt whether you will be forgiven by God Almighty. ppl who have never been in a trying, or confusing period such as the so-called "youth", good for you. Hats off to you. But do not nail all others to that self-righteous cross(excuse the quite distasteful reference but it applies here). Otherwise, there would be no room for forgiveness at all. you are and will always be precious, nobody can take that from you.as usual, it is her fellow women who are doing the most damage by breaking her morale. Sister, i think after only after being tested and repenting is when we can become true Muslims and understood the meaning of every act you do as a Muslim. So: Walk with your head held high, you are beautiful in His eyes. All the best. With love, Yours, a fellow human being who understands why we are called "human":)
and Sister Amy said,
.
Firstly our Prophet advised us to marry women with good character and religion, so let me ask one simple question, If someone 'threw away' their virginity, doesn't it affect their character and religion ? Character wise, she had boyfriend/s, she flirts, she had sexual intercourse, she is disobidient etc etc etc does this sound like a person with good character ?, religion wise, she did unIslamic acts, she transgressed Allah's law massively (keeping in mind the hadd punishment), disobeys Allah and His messenger etc etc, does this sound like she is religious ?. Basically, what is the first thing that comes to mind when we hear of a woman who threw away her virginity/has pre-marital relationship/s ? There's your answer now isn't it ? So do you now see the importance of virginity and why it leads to divorce? It indeed affects the character and religion of a person, which we look for in a potential spouse. Same applies to men.
I'm talking of the obvious okay.
Totally agree with you! This whole virginity thing is not so much about the actual hymen as much as it's a matter of what losing one's virginity before marriage represents: very bad judgement, weakness in character, immature (not able to predict consequence of action), easily persuaded in to haram and whatnot. Why would anyone want to marry that? I wouldn't.
My own personal concern is also that a non-virgin could "come" with bagage in form of STDs:
1) A whole lot of people, even adults, are very ignorant about STDs and how they're contracted. While they may use condom for "regular" sex, people often think that one cannot contract an STD via oral sex and therefore practice that without condom.
2) Some people, even adults, think they can't contract STDs "the first time" - so they don't use condoms for that reason.
3) Some people, even adults, don't know what kind of STDs there are out there; that some of them are actually symptom-free, so if they have an STD, they wouldn't know it and aren't thinking about getting tested.
4) Some people, even adults, don't see STDs as a big deal and aren't warning their spouse about them having one.
I also think that when a person has remained virgin, he or she also deserves a spouse who's saved her- og himself for his spouse :).
I don't want a debate to ensue but I agree it's a difficult issue and almost a balancing act.
If someone has saved themselves then they most certainly are entitled to a virgin spouse. I remember as a teen I had this argument with my mother continously. My attitude was "it's my right to a virgin man" nothing more, nothing less. Her attitude was 'good luck with that' effectively. It still is my right but as I have got older I have taken a different point. There are lots of things we have the right too and we should get - but for some reason or another, in Allah's wisdom, we may not. Life is not that simple and it's not necessarily fair.
People make mistakes, good people do bad things. Some people genuinely change and it's important to distinguish between a person currently in that zaani lifestyle who is practising these disgusting sins and the person who made a mistake, or was sinful, repented, and started afresh, living their life in accordance with Islam. They are very different people.
It may be that the person who sinned and repented may be better for you than the one who never committed the sin. It could be that the person who kept themselves may have become arrogant or have unattainable expectations of his future wife. Allahu 'Alam. Life is so complex and we should keep an open mind I believe. Not out of desperation, but more out of thinking the best of people and making excuses. Also there is a fear that we may look down on those who have sinned (may Allah reject us). Ultimately if we have not engaged in particular sins, it has nothing to do with us, it was only with Allah's protection and we should be thankful to Him for that. We also should not dig into someones history in order to protect any person's sin.
Also, just because a person says they will not answer such Qs, doesnt necessarily mean they've committed the sin. I know sisters who avoid answering direct questions about their past because they simply don't like it. It can be offensive to some. Also sometimes it can be difficult to tell if the brother likes the sister genuinely or if he just wants an inexperienced virgin wife and has a 'you'll do' sort of attitude.
So never assume.
But STDs are a whole kettle of fish, and something I wouldn't know how to broach. It is also a concern for me as well. Of course you would hope anyone who has engaged in such sins would have got themselves tested, or at least have practised '97% safe' sex but in this day and age you can't rely on it. Plus what Muslim teenager carries condoms, they run the risk of being caught by parents etc. My friend has a relative who works in an STI clinic and she has relayed countless (anonymous) e.gs of Muslim men giving diseases from the past to their virgin wives or vice versa. It's scary.
She is pretty much in a similar situation and her take is before marriage as a bog standard, the couple need to have a blood test (and STI test), get certificates of proof before the wedding. This needs to be agreed at early stages though. She wouldnt dig into his past (and doesn't care) but it's important to her that they both know that they will be healthy and safe with one another. (She would do the test too, even though she is pure.) In her words virgin/non-virgin any spouse needs to be "checked." So this is something to consider, because some diseases which can be sexually transmitted can be spread through contaminated healthcare material (rarely but possible) or needles or other routes so requesting this does NOT mean you are accusing anyone, provided you have a blood test too.
That's my opinion anyway. It is certainly a person's right (especially if they are 'pure') that they know they are healthy and their spouse-to-be is healthy. How one would broach this with a potential, I have no idea?! You dont want to offend a person but it is your right to know about diseases which may be spread to you. Sometimes knowing about these things is scary - SubhanAllah may Allah protect us all! Ameen.
So keep an open mind anyway..
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As I've mentioned in my post directed to brother Wael, I have never seen an example of someone's past being just the past. So maybe he can repent his sins and change for the better - alhamdulellah for that - but usually his past does come to the surface. I also have a hard time trusting that a person who's had a taste of the sinful life would not be tempted to go back to it. Just like recovering alcoholics are struggling on a daily basis to not drink, I think people who have had and enjoyed sex are struggling not to go back to committing zina. I want security in my marriage, not the constant thought of "could he do it again?".
It's every person's right to not disclose whether or not they are virgins, even if they have nothing bad to conceal, but I personally do not understand why anyone would hide the fact that they're virgins. I think they're other ways to know if a guy only wants you for your virginity, and not for the person you are.
Otherwise, I agree with you, sister. Even if one is pure, I think an STD test should be done before marriage...it certainly can't harm!
Just like recovering alcoholics are struggling on a daily basis to not drink, I think people who have had and enjoyed sex are struggling not to go back to committing zina. I want security in my marriage, not the constant thought of "could he do it again?"
Adina, this is silly. There are many people who committed zinaa who were in monogamous relationships. Of course it's still haram. But my point is that those people were faithful to the person they were with, and will be faithful to their spouse after marriage.
Someone who goes around sleeping with any random person is a different matter, but I think that's quite rare.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Although it makes you think many things, but usually it's the boys that are more forward not girls, and boys have the control over fornication, so I'm guessing 70percent of girls that lost their virginity were not mature enough to even know what it was, guys know better, and so that's the reason why you should keep your distance from men that you feel are that flirty type.
I think family plays an important role in this, they should educate their teens about things like these, and show them real facts, and tell them what happens so they should be scared. But the problem is the parents don't do that, they still think there child is just a kid, and truly they miss out a lot.
what is past is past. Do t ruin your future by dwelling into your past... Repent to your lord for forgiveness.. Repent to Allah (swa) You don't need to tell your husband .. Goodluck!
Asalamualikum sister
there is no problem without solution fine you did a mistake and now you truly regret it ..... Pray 2 Allah from your heart olvayz remember him In Shaa Allah he will forgive you ... and you will surely find a best man in your life... and there is 3 names of Allah in Asmaul husna which is really best for forgiveness ( Ghafir, Ghaffar and Gafoor )
May Allah Subhanatallah guide us in right path Ameen
🙂
dear sister
as i read your qoustion i remebered my self long time ago . i have lost my verginity before i got married and i started worrying about my futur. i asked allah for forgivness. and now i thank god for giving me a good husband and three beautiful children. i say to u be a good muslim and pray to god then god will never for get you and belive me he will reward you.
Memi masha Allah am happy for u .. can u please tell me if u told ur husband the truth before marriage ?
Mashallah i am really happy for you! i am sure your husband is one understanding man 🙂 May Allah Bless you all
Hello sister!
All I can tell you is to pray to Allah as much as you can. He and only He can forgive you. Inshaallah you will find a good muslim man who will love you for who you are. In any case, you should tell him the truth. I will pray for you 🙂
Dont worry. God is great and merciful. Besides you were 17...and if u said it was the first and last time you did it..than you are fine. It happened 5-6 years ago put the pieces together.
I have a quick comment to another comment from brother Wael:
""I will not answer such questions about whatever sins or mistakes I have made in the past. Whatever I have done in the past is between me and Allah, and I have made tawbah for any mistakes I may have done, and I have nothing more to say about it. If you can accept this, then Insha'Allah we can continue; if not, then I am not the right woman for you.""
See, if I asked a man directly, "have you slept with someone before marriage? Are you a virgin?" and the man said ^that to me I would immediately assume he has a dirty past, and I would say to him, "yes, you're definitely not right for me, goodbye". Because, a person who has nothing to hide/no sins to reveal would be able to be direct and say, "no, I have never slept with anyone before".
And that would be your right. I myself would not be so quick to judge a woman who answered in that way. I'd be more concerned with who she is now.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams All,
I read all these responses and appreciate both sides of the debate. The point Sara made is something that came to my mind too.
'It may be that the person who sinned and repented may be better for you than the one who never committed the sin. It could be that the person who kept themselves may have become arrogant or have unattainable expectations of his future wife.'
To Sister Emarose,
- You can't undo the past, to dwell on the past only invites the shaytaan in.
- You did wrong but you have sincerely repented and not repeated the sin.
- Only Allah can judge you. Allah is the Knower of all things as to why and how you came about to sin.
- Allah measures us by what is in our hearts and by our intentions
- I agree it's best to conceal your past mistake. It should not cloud your future, otherwise how can you move on to a better way?
- A person has a right to ask and lying is haraam. However, try not to dwell, if you have sincerely repented, just try to be positive and may Allah create ease for you in this matter whereby you are not put into this awkward situation, Insha'Allah. Otherwise give a reply such as Wael's suggestion.
- Most men that ask are probably not virgins themselves.
Surah An Nisa;
'And the two who commit it among you, dishonor them both. But if they repent and correct themselves, leave them alone. Indeed, Allah is ever Accepting of repentance and Merciful.' Verse 17
'The repentance accepted by Allah is only for those who do wrong in ignorance and then repent soon after. It is those to whom Allah will turn in forgiveness, and Allah is ever Knowing and Wise.' Verse 18
Individuals who remain chaste have done well to remain so and cannot be begrudged for wanting a virign spouse.
Surah An Nur;
'Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable.' Verse 26
However, being chaste is for the sake of Allah and not to be in a position to arrogantly put down someone who isn't but who has sincerely repented. Allah does not like the arrogant and boastful.
Another thought to ponder on, the Prophets Nuh(AS) and Lut(AS) both had kafir wives. If Prophets can be tested to this degree, who are the rest of us to assume we 'deserve the best'?
Yes, It may be true, but certainly the probability/percentage is so much less.
Allah said: "Indeed, the [best] outcome is for the righteous" . (11:49 Quran )
Thumbs up to your post.
It must be a lesson to others too that we must not fall for peer pressures. Even if evil is a normal norm within a soceity, we as muslims must break that.
“whoever seeks the pleasure of Allah at the risk of displeasing the people, Allah will take care of him and protect him from them. But whoever seeks the contentment of people at the risk of displeasing Allah, Allah will abandon him to the care of people.” (Tirmidhi)
Salaams,
Masha'Allah I cannot disagree with you there and that is indeed what led the sister to sin. However it's not like she doesn't know the gravity of her mistake and the tone of some of the responses was of a superior nature.
I was reading something the other day but can't quite recall, about those who are righteous must be wary of becoming proud on account of their good behaviour. Those responses reminded me of that.
zain, we do not allow the exchange of personal contact information on this website. I don't know you. I don't know your character or personality, whether you are a good person or bad person, or anything else. People who post questions on this website are often suffering in some way and are emotionally vulnerable. It would be inappropriate to put them in touch with strangers who might manipulate them or take advantage of them. Furthermore, it would be inappropriate to put men in touch with women. That is our policy.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam ,suerly insha allaha Allaha will forgive you when you r repenting it from your heart and why not any good muslim will be ready to marry you even i will love to marry you as a mistake is made by every one of us but cleaver r those persons who don't repeat it
I have come across scholars who stated that those men and women who have engaged in zina often have psychological problems in the marriage. Men and women can also ask their potential spouse if they are virgin indirectly. I personally would not marry a woman who engaged in pre-marital sex (zina) but I would consider their character. However, do not have any problems with getting married to a divorced or widowed woman as long as they remained chaste.
Wasalam
Sweety,
You've committed a sin. But remember Allah's mercy is greater than anything in the world. You clearly needed to talk to someone about it, and im glad you came onto this forum to talk about it. Its better that you discussed it hear where people dont know you than in public settings. Secondly, don't listen to some of these people. If a man judges you by your sinful past, he's not worth your time. Why? Because you've repented, and you continue to repent i'm assuming for the sake of God. Who on earth is he to judge you after you've repented. If he's looking for a virgin, he's insecure & simply seeks a closed hyment..To me this is disgusting. Sweety, you are sooooo MUCH more than your reproductive system. You are so much more than your sexuality. You made a sin, and you repented. Enough of this guilt. Strengthen your relationship with Allah more and more...You may actually be more pious than others for admitting your sin, and being closer to God for it... If he's looking for a pious women, then he is one of God. Men who simply inquire about your virginity are by far a NO-GO. Stay clear. They objectify women to desirable objects and tools that need deflowering. You are your BRAIN. You are your Heart. You are your thoughts. You are your emotions. You are your Relationship with Allah. Not a hymen. You are so much more. Learn that. Accept your mistake, repent, and seek a man who doesn't care about your past or rubbish..
Salam!
There are some serious faults in this comment. For e.g
If he's looking for a virgin, he's insecure & simply seeks a closed hyment.
Men who simply inquire about your virginity are by far a NO-GO
They objectify women to desirable objects and tools that need deflowering
Not a hymen
I don't understand how can you post such ridiculous statements.So according to you any man who tries to find a virgin wife is insecure ....lol ....It would be better for you to first read , the value of virginity and chastity in Islam.I know that you are here to console the OP but in doing that you have clearly crossed the line.
These kind of male bashing statements will not work.And by the way,a man has full right to marry a virgin woman or not.
lool
This statement and some other parts of your comment can't get more juvenile. Truly you lack wisdom and knowledge as the above brother rightly said, you clearly don't understand the value of virginity and chastity in Islam and how the opposite destroys the character and religion of a person. Saying that if a person looks for a virgin, he's insecure etc is a direct insult to our prophet peach be upon him as our prophet himself said to his companion " Why don't you marry a virgin ?" and so you should be careful on what you say and never cross your limit by sympathizing others with false opinions.
Repent because you said something which opposes the saying of the prophet of Islam.
Asalaam alaikum,
You have clearly taken the hadith you refer to, mentioned in two Sunni hadith books, as to suggest that the Holy Prophet was opposed to men marrying non-virgins or that he frowned upon it. By not stating the whole hadith, you have taken the Holy Prophet's words out of context and used them for your own point of view. Here is the hadith in question, in which it is apparent that the Holy Prophet was merely being inquisitive of his companion Jabir, who was younger than his bride.
Of course, one cannot infer that the Holy Prophet objected to the age difference either, since he also married an older woman. So why would the Holy Prophet ask the question? Upon pondering it, the Holy Prophet was asking the question for our sake, to show that marrying a pious non-virgin, in this case a divorcee, and an older woman was acceptable when the man took his decision wisely. Indeed, the Holy Prophet was much wiser than the current ummah, then or now.
While I completely understand that this discussion centers around fornication, of which is a sin and has its' consequences, in no way should anyone remove the context of the Holy Prophet's words.
Wa'alaykumsalam,
By Allah I never take Quranic verses or prophet's sayings out of context but you have done so. I never used the word 'oppose' or 'frown', that is your understanding.
I'll explain,
Reasoning is later, first read the begining of hadith.
The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, “I am recently married!” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam asked, “To a widow or a virgin ?" to which he replied, “A widow.” The Prophet salla Allahu ʿalayhi wa sallam said, “But why didn't you marry a virgin, so that you could play with her, and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh?”This is the begining of the hadith and after asking him a question, our prophet directly asked him on his face that why didn't you marry a virgin, and so upon hearing the reason Jabir gave, our prophet said that its a good choice but you've only highlighted "you have made the correct choice" thus taking it out of context 🙂 . But if we see the whole context, the correct choice came after Jabir gave a good reason or else it seems to be a wrong choice at first, that is why our prophet questioned him in the first palce. Got it ?
Secondly, seeking virgins doesn't have anything to do with insecurity or hymen issue unlike a poster above naively assumed.
As many people stated beforehand there are faults in this comment.
1) She is not obliged to reveal her sin to anyone. PERIOD.
2) She know she has done wrong and she feels guilty of her actions - so she is here seeking advice.
3) No one here is implying that a woman is an object - that is a disgusting expression towards our own Muslim sisters and I find that analysis disgusting.
4) A hymen is not indicative of virginity - the hymen can be broken by sports or by using tampons for example.
5) There is scientific evidence to show that women and men who never had relationships/sex before marriage before marriage have a successful marriage and are less like likely to divorce. There is wisdom behind this in Islam.
6. Muslims - both men and women who never had romantic/physical relationships prior to marriage have right to seek the same from their prospective spouses. One cannot ask directly if such individuals have had sex/relationships prior to marriage as this would open the door to revealing a sin but it should addressed to the individual indirectly - so as to preserve one's dignity and honour.
7. It is stated in Islam that one should preserve one's virginity and modesty and keep chaste as well as lower their gaze. We cannot promote the idea that you should go out seek out haraam boyfriend/girlfriend relationships have sex and after that we can perform salaah and Allah will forgive us. We do not know if Allah has forgiven us or not - there many individuals who continue with this behaviour or sometimes fall into depression.
Muslims who engage in these activities are not only dishonouring themselvers but also their families and community. One thing we cannot stop is gossip in the community - that this 'girl slept with such and such' - the best approach to stop this is not to approach zina and seek a healthy marital relationship .
I am not here to condenm/critize anyone - I have friends who justify having sex because everyone else is doing it and they can always seek forgiveness later. What happens if later never comes?
Many of our youth are falling into this trap and are victims of Western society which tries to regulate this behaviour by promoting safe sex instead of 'sex before marriage' and seeking a suitable spouse for marriage with parental involvement. What kind of person are you to think it was alright to engage in a unsuitable relationship behind your families back? This is the family who fed, clothed and nurtured you - and you are deceiving them. Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go. Why do you think families are involved in marriage - because family network can resolve any confilct to guide you towards a successful marriage. Do you get that support with a haraam relationship?
Yes the best solution is for the sister to seek a spouse who can look past her sin and also seek psychological help from a qualified professional.
Wasalam.
May ALLAH<3 (SWT) forgive you الله
Salaam to all Muslim brothers and sisters.
May Allah forgive sisters mistake.
According to islaam she should not reveal her sin to anyone but the Imam. And some caces not even to Imam.
Sister you should not cry about the future or what will happen when you get married. However, you should cry to Allah for forgiveness and his "rehmat".
you commited a sin but ALLAH will forgive you if you really want to be a perfect musil and he will open a very grace full way for you and INSALLAH you will get your destiny ALLAH O AKBAR
Confession is the best act of all .i personally think u v done nothing wrong i am a muslim guy staying in south africa.i am not married.i accept u pls dont worry
I was raised in an Islamic environment, where everyone strive to do what our religion commands. My parents are very strict when it comes to religion. When I was a kid, my parents would always remind me not to do this, not to do that. They laid out the rules very clearly, what I can do and what I should never do.
Back when I was kid, I didn't know why they're being so strict about it. But now as I grow up, I think I know why they did it. It was simply as a way to safeguard my action. By making rules, pretty much creating an SOP/MOP to live my life. I know the limit, how far I can go, how good/bad I have been.
The thing with making mistake is that not all mistakes can be fixed. Some can't be undone. Once it's done, it's done. All that is left is regret. That is the reason why people who live a good life held special place in Islam.
Personally as a Muslim, I wouldn't have the heart to lie to my future wife. If there is a good in you I believe that you wouldn't trade truth for a marriage. What do you expect in a marriage? Do you even love this person? What do you want from this person? Support and stability (worldly life)? If you lie by not providing/conceal the information or by accepting the proposal then you have trade the truth for a worldly life. At least if you don't want to tell the truth you can refuse the proposal.
A person who love another wouldn't want to hurt the feeling of the loved ones. Such a terrible thing to do for someone to intentionally deceive their future spouse. Clearly that person doesn't deserved him/her. If you still have a heart I believe you should leave him/her if virginity is important to that person.
Obviously, I assume that everyone is kindhearted. If you have evil in your heart then you will start to think the evil way by making up excuses.
Will any Muslim man accept you? It's a difficult question. Not just any man will accept you. It takes a real kind Muslim who can accept you. But we all must strive to do our best. The fact that Allah let you live means you have a chance to do good. I pray for you that you will find a Muslim man who find a place in his heart to accept you.
Salaam. I was just wondering at one point is it obligated to tell your husband you are not a virgin? On the night?
jj, you are not obligated to tell him. And certainly waiting until your wedding night is a recipe for disaster. If your fiance or potential marriage partner asks about this, I suggest replying as follows: "I made mistakes in the past, and I'm sorry about that. I have made tawbah to Allah for my mistakes. I will not discuss any details of my mistakes, as it is between me and Allah." If he presses for details, refuse. If he can accept your statement and marry you, Alhamdulillah. If not, so be it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My advice is when you are about to get married, tell the man about this. If he's ok with it move forward, otherwise do not. But do not enter marriage without telling him. Because Allah isn't going to have to live with the thoughts of another man being with you, he will. Do not cheat him from his experience if it matters to him, his life and yours will be hell. I am a husband of a girl who did that, now we're divorcing. Had she told me before marriage I would probably still marry her and we'd be just fine. But she hid, and she broke my trust. So don't ruin his and your life. Be honest (a major part of Islam)
Aslaam walikum brothers and sisters
Marriage is based on truth
If u not virgin just say it before marriage becase if u say after lifes get ruined
If i find out my wife is not virgin i would be mad but couldnt divorce her because it will punish her parents
So if u find out stay calm and ask allah he sshow u path
Send this to ur future wife then she will know wah kind off person u am
A Beautiful Story <3
If you love me, don’t confess your love to me through haraam (Unlawful) ways, This won’t please me and will instead drive me away! Love games don’t attract me. If you love me, have sabr (Patience) and I will knock on your door when the time is right.
Don’t give me privileges which I don’t deserve. Keep me away from you, and I will approach you. If you approach me, I will stay away from you. Don’t love me, for I want you ignorant in love. I want to teach you love when the right time comes and when you will be mine, Only when we are joined together under our Creator’s satisfaction. Don’t tell me what you feel, don’t give me from your time, don’t push me to lose you.
I am a man who does not want to see the one he loves committing sins or to live a forbidden love behind her family’s back. I don’t want her to feel guilty and don’t want her heart to suffer. Put me under limits that I won’t cross, kill me inside you so I won’t grow to kill you inside me. Preserve what is beautiful inside you. I want you innocent, chaste, pure. I want you my love, but with Allah’s blessings and not shaytan’s whisperings. And then, Only then, I will face everything and will be ready to go through difficulties to get you.
Don’t be easy because then, I may not value you. Don’t love me now, so I won’t hate you! My heart wants you and doesn’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to be just a passing fancy for me, I want you a wife, a lover, the mother of my children, I want you to be the one I will spend my whole life with. How could I be a faithful man to you when I try to break your chastity? How would I be faithful to you if I push you to betray your family? How could I trust a love which grew under Allah’s wrath? To make you mine through niqah is Islam’s way.
Till then wait patiently and do not dismay. To love you, means to protect you, To Love you is to bring you closer to Allah and HIS deen, and To preserve you, not to kill what is beautiful inside you.
Assalaamualaikam
Please ask your question in English if possible - the editorial team aren't professional translators.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I had the same problem, the man fooled me and I have slept with him (and I am a muslim lady). It was 3 years ago.
But I found the best thing in my life: one clinic in central London. They have repaired my hymen and I am 26 and married now.
That's lying. You feel good lying to your husband.
Assalam o alaikum! I am 21 years old girl. When i was at the age of 16 i have lost my virginity 🙁 but he was fraud he left me. but i was innocent even i didn't know the complete information about sex. But i know this is my big mistake now i regret and feel ashamed. I am a bad girl, a bad daughter :'( I do prayers and i cried a lot infront of Allah "Arrehman Arraheem" Question is that now can i marry or not? And if someone is want to marry with me do i inform him about my past or not?? Plz tell me!
Meenu, please don't continue calling yourself a bad girl, as it's not helpful. Instead tell yourself that you are a good Muslim who is dedicated to the path of Allah. Alhamdulillah that you made tawbah and you will not make such a mistake again. The answer is yes, of course you can get married. And there is no need to tell anyone about your past mistakes. Allah has concealed it for you, so do not reveal it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you so much for ur motivation and i got all my answers. There is no confusion anymore. Thanx once again!
Mistakes ho jate hote han....jb insan dil se toba kr leta tou Allah bra Gaffor o Raheem ha
there is no joy in sex before marriage.so i would like to advice everyone control your nafs(self) and be patientbecause Allah have better plans for you.
Look if u r really ashmed of what ever u had done just ask Allah for forgiveness and thats all
I don't know what to say in sh Allah I'll try to help as much as I can but I can't understand your position because I was taught having a bf was haram and I never spoke to a guy I was taught a Muslim guy that really wants to be with a girl should ask for the girls hand by respecting her by asking her parents that's how I avoided being in this type of position I also live in the west I'm now married with a child I can try to advise you and I have heard some similar story like yours but instead they end up marrying the guy they lost it with.
Talk to a shiekh and they might say the same if you have lost it with a Muslim guy because he is Muslim you can marry him try to talk to him like you want to be a better Muslim and repent ask him if he can do the same and marry you Islamicly so Allah can forgive you both (Allah will in sh Allah forgive you because you repented) but it's recommended for the girl to marry a Muslim guy even if she lost it with him that's if he's the type of guy that isn't a lair he'll try to understand and work things out talk to him say that we are Muslims and what we did in haram for Allah to forgive us let's get married Islamicly for the sake of Allah because you're are the first guy I have been with and I regret what I have done do you agree to marry me and make this into an halal relationship (say something like this or you can try to talk to him in sh Allah he will understand you in sh Allah he doesn't end up using you
Layla, this post is three years old, so I'm sure the sister has solved the problem already Insha'Allah. Also, I disagree with some parts of your answer. It's not a good idea for the sister in question to discuss the matter with a sheikh, as it's better not to reveal her sin to anyone in the community. Secondly, she lost her virginity with that guy when she was 17, and she is 23 now (at the time of the posting I mean) and not with him anymore. So are you suggesting that she should go find him and ask him for marriage because they committed a sin together 6 years before? That makes no sense.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu allaikum sister, I am in similar position as you are. I have been in a relationship for 5 years with this guy I left home for but I came back to my family thinking they would accept this marriage. It's been 5 years and my parents have been avoiding this relationship like nothing had happened. I was so traumatised by the emotional damage I caused to my family that I have not had the courage to open my mouth and ask my parents what is going on with my marriage? I know the situation will arise where I will have to choose between him or my family again but I am in so much distress I don't know what to do! He has changed so much over the years he is a well earned and true Muslim but our relationship is harem because my parents won't accept him. To make things worse I have lost my virginity to him but nobody knows that, I dread to think about my future. Maybe if I loved him truly I would've done something about it?
Aslamoalakum always think allah is looking us we are muslim do only allah allow us ok
Babe you can get hymenoplasty done
Don't worry. There are still those who accept and console
Hey don't b sad dear if you feeling guilt that's your gud think don't worry Allah always with you
This is my number I m Muslim you want marry me contact me *** my name Muhammad Sami age 30 Karachi Pakistan
I'm sorry, we do not allow posting private contact information or matrimonial proposals on our forum.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Emarose you are strong girl I admire u
Have a question, when you found its wrong and it's haram why didn't you marry the same guy and make it halal ..?
Probably he wouldn't want to marry her after what happened because he does not want to take responsibility or I'm sure they have their own reasons.
Salam alaykum..
If Allah SWT did not want us to commit sins, he would have created angels to fill this earth. And if we, as human beings, walked around this earth feeling self righteous about not having committed sins, Allah will replace us with a nation that did commit sins. The point is to return to Allah, ask forgiveness and leave it to him. The best of the slaves are those who repent.
There is no way for women to determine if men are virgins, we just have to take their word for it. More often than not, they are not virgins.
Secondly, any man you marry, his concern should be your life with him in the present and future. Not the Past. Past is not relevant unless you have baggage carrying over into your present and future. That is the only time it would be relevant.
Allah SWT has covered your sin for you, that is one of his biggest mercy on his slaves. Until, we decide to remove that veil and disclose our sins. If you are truly repentant, than you need to let go of your past.
Subhanallah, often it's hard for ourselves to let go and forgive our own self than for Allah to forgive us.
Have faith in the mercy of Allah SWT and be sincere in your repentance. That's all anyone can ask of you.
Salaam walaikum
If I have full faith on my husband that our marriage will remain the same as it has been during all these years, should I say him about my past life? He has confessed his past so I feel dutiful towards him to confess him about my past. We have a great understanding between us Alhamdullilah. And I believe in him that no kind of hatred or suspicions will gather in his heart. Should I confess?
No, do NOT tell your husband about your past? The only possible benefit would be to relieve your guilt slightly; but men are possessive and jealous by nature. We can't stand the thought of our woman lying with someone else. It could easily destroy your marriage, no matter how secure you think your marriage is. If you want to confess to someone, confess to Allah, and ask His forgiveness alone.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
First of all, that guy was a scum bag. He should've married you. But you will find a man who accepts you. Allah SWT has made us in pairs. Best to repent. Allah SWT has said in the Quran that a fornicator only marries a fornicator, the pure receive the pure. My experiences in life have proven this to be extremely true. I pray that you get married to a good man, a man who made the same mistake as you and repented, not an evil man who kept committing the sin and never repented.
I m quite touching when reading ur post.. dear, u already change back to Islam, keep praying to Allah, He will send a good man for u, who can accept ur. Don't worry, everything are planning by Allah, not human. Keep strong and pray.. I pray that u will find a good guy soon dear.
Zuha Zaid,
What a beautiful reply to the sister who posted. You reminded me too, as I have been struggling for years with something very difficult, that Allah is the one planning and that I need not worry. May Allah grant you every happiness in life.
Salam,
Nor
Hi ,
Why not ? Inshallah you will find a good muslim husband.
Everybody do mistakes. You did and you regret it.
Am looking for a wife and to make a good happy family. If you're still single. Contact me please.
Email : ****
Sorry brother Sultan, but we do not allow the exchange of private contact information on our website. You could join one of the Muslim matrimonial services, like Zawaj.com, Muslima.com, etc.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Not too bad to see, atleast you were with a muslim guy before, which makes me less mad, and more likely to accept you, since there was chance than you did with someone you thought you were going to marry. I hate it when their are muslimahs who sleep around with many kuffaar guys, and than want a muslim husband to accept them like a dayooth/cuckold.
Remember we are in this world for test and Satan will do every effort to make you do what's prohibited but don't forget Allah is the one who judges. All the human being commit sins except prophets but most importantly He loves those repent. Whatever happen in the past is gone and there's nothing you can do now, except to continue regretting and sking forgiveness from Allah, you'll get good one InshaAllah if you haven't got already.
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Emarose it's enough you ashamed on your sin.ALLAH bless on you must.
The ONLY guaranteed virginity testing is through psychic/extrasensory perception/remote viewing.Any human being has this ability,it`s just been in disuse.You can learn to do it or pay someone who does.Even intelligence agencies like CIA have been using this for dacades.Just check online.
You can see BACK IN TIME and even see ORAL sex.I will personally use this before marrying a woman.Just medical examination of hymen and anus is not enough...blood on bedsheet is silly in an ara of hymenoplasty(hymen repair surgery).
Brothers beware.
I approved this comment for the amusement value.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
rali,
You must consider yourself quite the catch.
Good luck,
Nor
If you committed a sin Allah is of the most merciful and repenting sincerely most definitely Allah is of the most forgiving Allah the most loving will forgive me and you and all those who believe The love of Allah is all around us
I accept you