Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love my parents & family, but love him too!

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The caste system is not from Islam. It is prevails in the Indian Subcontinent because of the Hindusim.

Assalamualaikum, sisters & brothers.. Hope you can spend some time in giving me advice because I really need it..

In brief, I'm a 20 year old girl studying abroad and met a local there and 'fall in love'. We're both muslims, twenty, the difference is that I'm studying medicine and he's working.

I have to admit I made him my everything; my drug which I was addicted to (which is completely my fault). But everything was well, we were happy and decided to introduce to each other's parents for blessings. Becoming part of his family was easy for me, I was accepted by his mum, but him coming into my family create a lot of problems. I tried to introduce them, but my parents were 100% against the interracial relationship, and they said my level of education is not the same level as he-considering he did not even enter university in the first place. That was the end of it. He broke it off, and I was forced to do the same, leaving me devastated for 2 years. Throughout the years I was lost, I tried anti-depression, have suicidal thoughts and I was mentally unprepared to handle life alone. I started to get to know Islam better and now Alhamdulela, I'm more stable and well.

Ever since the whole episode, I tried talking to my parents, but to no avail. My ex then turned religious till the point he refused to talk to me or any girls, even a quick hi. He put his plans in Allah's hand completely.

My life is Alhamdulela getting better, I'm surrounded by caring friends, and my spirit is high; naturally. But I can't stop thinking about him, even if it's only a second, every day. I prayed istikharah a few times but I don't know, I'm confused. Here's a Muslim guy whom can lead me to Jannah (isA), and whom I really care about (I won't say love, because there is no love before marriage, isn't there?), and I really want to marry him. He said since I'm a girl, it's my parent's responsibility, which is true. And my parents are still firm with their decision, refusing me to marry a foreigner. I tried talking to them, a lot of time, but would only left me feeling guilty and fruitless. I love them, and I don't want to cause them pain, especially after what happened, but I love this guy, and I'm not interested in anyone else.

Sometimes when I chat with him, I would feel so happy, but terribly guilty till there is no joy in it any more. I can't help thinking of my poor parents and what I'm doing to them (even it's just a quick Hi)

What should I do? I'm still young for marriage, but I just want my parent's approval. I yearned for that so so much since there is no halal without their approval (engagement,etc).. So please what should I do? How do I make my parents understand? I don't want to hurt them but I can't live like this-caught between two hearts.

One of the reason why my parents are against it because of my name.. I'm a Syarifa (or however you spell it), which is a descendant of the Prophet (PBUH) and he's not. I have a question here, is it a Must for me to marry among other descendant of the Prophet (the Syed-spelling tends to differ), or not? My parents are making it such a big deal since both of them are descendant as well.. What do Islam says about this?

~mira91


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2 Responses »

  1. Waalaikum salam sister Mira91,
    Sister, masha Allah you have already realized that it was wrong of you two to fall in love and being together without being married. You know where the problem starts when we think that our happiness is with someone who is not even halal yet and we transgress boundaries set by Allah (swt) and Prophet (PBUH). Now, what happens is that when we do so then their are consequences of that and we suffer immensely; not only in this life but in the hereafter as these actions that we take against Allah (swt) stain our soul. In your case;

    I have to admit I made him my everything; my drug which I was addicted to (which is completely my fault).

    I will leave you with this article to read and see what we all miss in our life and where we make mistakes which cause us grief and heartache.

    http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2012/03/01/fall-in-love-with-the-real-thing/.

    Sister, marriage is for life so you don't want to make a decision in rush or when you are in emotional state and regret later. This brother seems like a genuine person iA or Allah knows best but still if he has no stable job or basic education then how do you see him supporting a family in future? I am not saying that he has to have a six figure salary but at least a steady job to support you if he is to marry you. In fact their are many people who never made it to college but are successful in life. Secondly, you are studying at the moment yourself; so ideally you should finish your studies first and then get married. Or, if you think he will support your studies after marriage and you both can reach an agreement iA; in which case I don't see any problem in you both getting married. I always stress on educating women is that we don't know what future holds; if anything was to happen then at least they can support themselves rather then being ignored/neglected by society/parents or relatives.

    I would recommend you to keep talking to your parents about the marriage to this brother; if need be then involve any family member who you are close to and who understands your situation or even better if you can involve your local imam or any learned person for that matter. At the same time, you should not stress yourself too much or else it will effect you studies. Talk to this brother and see if he is ready to wait for you; encourage him to get more education and improve himself in other regards too iA. Also, use this time to see what are the responsibilities of a woman as wife and mother and see if you are ready for that step, if not then improve yourself because it is a huge responsibility believe me.

    I will advise you to cut all the contacts with this brother no chatting, or else and let him improve himself in deen. Fact is that more he improves himself in deen, the more reward you are going to get and who knows maybe Allah (swt) change your circumstances as a reward for the sacrifices you are making and bless you both with each other as husband and wife in future. Keep making duas to Allah (swt) to give you what is best for you rather then what you want and soften your parent's heart; we can't imagine or comprehend the power of dua.

    Also, make dua istikhara to help you see things more clearly iA sister and pray tahajud if you can and as much you can. Lastly, their is no one is superior to anyone on the basis of their color, caste, background, social status, or else; only standard of superiority is piety.

    "O Mankind! we created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other." (49;13)

    Also our beloved Prophet (PBUH) addressing the people in HIS (s.a.w) last pilgrimage said;

    "O People! Your God is one; your father is one; no preference of an Arab neither over non-Arab nor of a non-Arab over an Arab or red over black or black over red except for the most righteous. Verily the most honored of you is the most righteous."

    May Allah (swt) show you the best way out of this situation and bless you both with what is best for your dunya and Akhira. (Amin)

    Wasalam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Oh Brother Muhammad1982, I have read your advice to others in regards to relationships and you have helped me so much and have given me such courage and hope (even though you weren't talking to me directly). May Allah bless you... and preserver in wisdom the way you have been. Amin.
      -Aliyeee

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