Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The man I love has married some one else

depression

Were do I start.. Hardest part of a persons life is losing the one person you love. I received the most upsettings news yesterday but I'll give you a insight of my story lets say

I met a guy when I was 18 - We have been in a relationship for the last 7 years long distance. He came to the uk to study for his masters and was alot older than me when I met him. He had no family in the uk as they were all living in America and Pakistan. We became best friends and our feelings developed strongly for one another! He is the first guy I have ever loved. He had had past relationships which is why his family sent him to the uk, I guess to get over it.

Either way we met and felt so close to one another attraction etc an unfortunately things went to the next level before marriage. I know it's haram and we both regretted and till this day I'm still asking for forgiveness! We spoke about marrriage and his family were very narrow minded they only get married within there family. The biggest problem I had was that I was born in a ahmadi/Mirzi family! As I was young stupid I lived a life where my family upbringing was not different or a problem to me.

I didnt know anything ahmadis you could say I was just a blind sheep labelled not even following as my parents were not greatly practicing! Either way we spoke about marriage and he told me how it could not happen as we're different! Different is something I've never heard before- he then encouraged me to look into my belief which till this day I think he was a blessing from Allah as I gained guidance which I lacked!

I looked into ahmadiyat and understood that I don't want to die a non Muslim! Taking time out from my life and focusing on Islam I gained the answers I was looking for I didn't do if for him as to this point it was a no from him for marriage, I converted to Islam 2 years later. Ready to make changes in my life!!  My main aim was to first encourage my parents who I love dearly it took time but they were blinded by family, what will people say, communities etc.

They eventually understood you have to eliminate the duniya as this was our test in life to distinguish whether the path were leading is right. Mashallah my parents followed myself and are leading a new life away from the masjid the rulers lets say and not following blindly non Muslim teachings. During this time he was always there encouraging me making me see right from wrong but was proud of my families that he wanted to Marry me.

His family knew about me as I was the British girl who was after her son, their words not mine lol. They assumed I was controlling instead when he was down about jobs, money problems we battled it through. I was perfect then they used to praise me and how lucky he was to have found a girl like me especially as they were not with him to support him! When the  topic of marriage came up.

He spoke to his mother she refused, and wanted to find him a girl that fits the ideal wife criteria I.e fair and slim! Lol which I am but it had to be to her standards! During the years I was understanding to him as he will try to make her see, try to convince the parents try to make it work and always told me not to worry.. And I always had faith in him and Allah that right will be done by myself as I'm not a bad person and thought I would get my haaqq

Instead his mother being stubborn as she was knew he was weak and played emotional dramas on him to make him confused about me. He stated to her that I'm a Muslim.. She argued that fact that I'm not a Muslim and instead said if he marries me what will happen to our kids and it's not about me but it's my extended family who are a problem I.e uncles aunts, which to be honest have disowned us as we are living our own life.. Whether she knows this or not I don't know.

Either way she threw demands into him which he knew i couldn't argue with.. Last demand was that I leave my parents my brother and my sister to join there family and cut ties! I was in disbelief when I was told this.. How a mother can tell a girl to leave her family for them it was hurtful but I refused no way in hell would I consider this ever. Nor did I ever tell him to leave them as parents can't be replaced but all I requested was him was not to choose but allow me to have a part in the family see me as a wife and life partner and I would never let him down and the choice he makes he wont regret.

So I meet this guy last week .. He tells me he's going to Pakistan to visit his mum.. I was happy he was going as it made him happy and I always believe no child should be away from his parents.. I sent aunty gifts which I have been doing for the last 7 years as its his mother and someway shape or form for her to like me or accept me.

Instead I received a email from him stating his mum has got him engaged! I felt my heart fall out of my heart and onto the floor. The man that I love who was going to marry me who was going to work through these hard times has put a ring on some other girls finger. My 7 years has gone down the drain for a girl he only knew for 5 mins! I really couldnt believe what he told me and how he's under so much pressure it's either his family or me and fair enough he choose them there his parents but what about my respect! For all these years I've refused any marriage offers because my mother knew how I felt! She accepted him , she saw the love in my eyes and pain in my heart for this guy and within a day he gets married.

All day and night I've been thinking crying trying to understand what is wrong with me and us! Main factor is what my family WAS! I hate the fact that even all these years later we were not good enough for them to accept us as Muslims just like them. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about him and her. I just prayed my namaaz and just prayed and asked Allah for forgiveness as I have sinned and loved someone so much I forgot myself. I'm in dispair, I'm thinking such awful things to do to myself and I'm a girl who's faith has been tested through the roof and because of one guy it's on the floor! I can't get my head round how he's left.

3 days telling me to relax it will happen lol what a joke I can't believe I spent years trying to keep them all happy one by one everyone in his family used me for there own matlab(reason)! If I go in to it all I will be here all day! I never fitted into his perfect family portrait as in a girl from England and to there narrowmindedness im sharp as a knife if they ever got to know me which I tried to do they would see there son was the one in control in our relationship.

He made the choices, I followed the last choice he made has murdered me inside! The last time I spoke to him I asked him what about me now ? If you a guy who had known me for 7 years u have no complaints about me, you say perfect looks, personality and would marry me if u had a choice but my past makes u doubt then what hope have I got for other people? I can't understand how if his family never accepted us as Muslims do you think anyone else will ? I don't think so.

To this point everything has been a struggle we have lost our family but have gained love from Allah! But people like this make me feel so weak and my parents are scared of what's to come in the means of marriage. All I know is the guy that I love has married someone else and it makes me sick to my stomach. Pls tell me how I can take this pain away. I did everything for this guy to make sure as he doesn't have a family in the uk I made sure he didn't feel the void in his life. Instead he left and hasn't looked back.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about him and her and makes me so upset thinking about planning my life again as I planned it with him!!! Pls help me. I'm at the lowest part of my life at the moment and don't know what to do to take away this pain.. I can't eat sleep or think., I'm off from work as I broke down in the office..everyone tells me it's his loss how he will regret it as I never gave him reason for shikayaat and always gave him everything but why wasnt I enough?? It makes me doubt me he told me it wasn't it's my family! For forsakes this is not a Bollywood story were the girl leaves her home coz she's madly in love.. Yes am I love but always had high thoughts of him and them. That they would do it the right way and right by me.

I feel so lost I need guidance I need this pain to go I feel so Undescribable.

~Madi


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78 Responses »

  1. Salam Madi,

    I am sorry this man has hurt you in this manner, it is a horrible thing for anyone. To receive an email to tell you he is engaged is appalling to say the least.

    The very best advice I will offer you is this: do not call him nor take any calls from him. He wanted to allow his family to pressure him to marry elsewhere...so be it. Do not be a pawn or play any games here. Do not allow him to hear your voice and simply stop all contact. If he truly has any feelings for you and wants to be with you, he can stop his engagement. No one is twisting his arm and he is old enough to decide what he wants for himself. Respect yourself here and don't have any contact with him at all (and yes...that means texting and email as well)! Repent to Almighty God for your transgressions and seek guidance from him.

    The old adage, "time heals all things" holds true. Pick yourself up and move forward even if only a bit each day. May Almighty God give you the strength to heal and move forward through all of this.

    Salam

    • Wsalam Najah
       I thought he got engaged as that's what he sent me over email instead he got married! He knew everything that was going and isn't a kid even tho he states he was confused! What a joke.. He claims he has feeling for me but practically it wouldn't of worked out so let it be I guess! He wasn't strong enough nor do I think he wanted me as much as I wanted us! Inshallah each day is getting Better.. The day I wrote this message I was in dispair .. Never have cried so much now alhumduliah Allah keeps giving me strength to appreciate the people around me who mean everything I.e my patents siblings friends and most of all Allah

      • Salam Madi,

        Inshallah today is a brighter day for you. I know it sounds like an old cliche but the old adage, "everything happens for a reason" is so true. Inshallah in time, someone will come along who will care about you, your heart and your happiness. Keep your head up and think positive. Don't waste your tears on someone who could rip your heart out as if it was nothing...not worth the time of day
        he is.

        Salam

        • Wsalam
          Your right everything does happen for a reason sometimes we forget the goodness in something instead we think what we have lost
          Time is a healer just pray for me that I don't become weak I have my weekdays but try to fight my emotions:-(

  2. I agree don't talk to him or email you because he has hurt you so much is not worth it. I know is hard is easier said then done but if you truly love you he would have told his family he loves you and only you.insallah you will find someone else.

  3. Dear Dear Dear

    You are not the first girl to bear all this...and probably you wont be last....I have faced somewhat a similar situation than you and still I am broken hurt exasperated and alone...My man ditched me and told me that he cant marry me due to caste issues and all although he knew all this before but still he used me and planning his life ahead without me...what I got?? nothing except tears and loneliness....I bet you would forget him one day because he was not destined for you so Allah would help you get him out of your life with such an ease that you wont be knowing that when he just disappeared from your life so quickly but the only thing you have take care of is your Patience....

    there was no point of getting married and loving to a man whose family dont need you and dont want to accept you at any cost....so trust Allah that whatever Allah does, He does it for our good....
    In Quran Allah says: That might be you hate a thing and it is good for you and might be you like a thing and it is bad for you, and you do not know. Only Allah knows...
    Trust Allah and his decisions...

    Dear there was a time when I was mad about my man and might be still I miss him...why?? because I gave him everything I had....and now whatever I ll do I would never be able to regain it at any cost....so first develop Love for Allah the almighty than he would guide you in every way....

    whatever had to happen in your life has just happened....so forget about it....no use to cry over split milk....dont talk to him ever now....now there is no use....and you have to show him that once he has taken decisions without even telling you before then just let him stick with it....pray to Allah for all this and you would soon see the results.....if his intentions were to ditch you than he would for sure pay in this world and in the hereafter....

    just work on yourself now.....forgive him because revenge is not sweeter than forgiveness....I know its really difficult and it would take you alot of time to forget all this but remember nothing is impossible....Just work on your faith....talk to Allah and wait for His response....Dear one thing to remember that we cant work against our fate...whatever has been written in our destiny we would get it and whatever has not been, we wont get it....so its the test of your faith and Allah is checking your Eman.....Show Allah that you are a good muslimah......your faith is strong.....you only love Allah.....

    Pray to Allah for a good husband....inshahAllah everything would be perfectly alright.....mistakes happen from all of us....what you need to do is learn from your mistakes rather make them your habit of constantly repeating them.....once you will leave everything to Allah then you will feel the inner peace with time....

    we are here to help you

    last but not the least.....recit third kalma and Ayat e Kareema alot........

  4. Dear Dear Dear

    You are not the first girl to bear all this...and probably you wont be last....I have faced somewhat a similar situation than you and still I am broken hurt exasperated and alone...My man ditched me and told me that he cant marry me due to caste issues and all although he knew all this before but still he used me and planning his life ahead without me...what I got?? nothing except tears and loneliness....I bet you would forget him one day because he was not destined for you so Allah would help you get him out of your life with such an ease that you wont be knowing that when he just disappeared from your life so quickly but the only thing you have take care of is your Patience....

    there was no point of getting married and loving to a man whose family dont need you and dont want to accept you at any cost....so trust Allah that whatever Allah does, He does it for our good....
    In Quran Allah says: That might be you hate a thing and it is good for you and might be you like a thing and it is bad for you, and you do not know. Only Allah knows...
    Trust Allah and his decisions...

    Dear there was a time when I was mad about my man and might be still I miss him...why?? because I gave him everything I had....and now whatever I ll do I would never be able to regain it at any cost....so first develop Love for Allah the almighty than he would guide you in every way....

    whatever had to happen in your life has just happened....so forget about it....no use to cry over split milk....dont talk to him ever now....now there is no use....and you have to show him that once he has taken decisions without even telling you before then just let him stick with it....pray to Allah for all this and you would soon see the results.....if his intentions were to ditch you than he would for sure pay in this world and in the hereafter....

    just work on yourself now.....forgive him because revenge is not sweeter than forgiveness....I know its really difficult and it would take you alot of time to forget all this but remember nothing is impossible....Just work on your faith....talk to Allah and wait for His response....Dear one thing to remember that we cant work against our fate...whatever has been written in our destiny we would get it and whatever has not been, we wont get it....so its the test of your faith and Allah is checking your Eman.....Show Allah that you are a good muslimah......your faith is strong.....you only love Allah.....

    Pray to Allah for a good husband....inshahAllah everything would be perfectly alright.....mistakes happen from all of us....what you need to do is learn from your mistakes rather make them your habit of constantly repeating them.....once you will leave everything to Allah then you will feel the inner peace with time....

    we are here to help you

    last but not the least.....recite third kalma and Ayat e Kareema alot........

    • Thank you candy I will definetly recite third kalima and Ayat e kareema

      I'm trying to get all my understandings in my head and forgive rather than stay bitter booz it will stay with me bitterness and hate .. Only if forgetting was as easy
      My main aim now is to work on my faith as u said as I have done bad things being so deeply In love I feel ashamed to say I forgot to love Allah! I started and ended my day with this guy now I start and end my day with Allah I have only my faith left which I'm going to rebuild inshallah and do good deeds by. Whatever is in my destiny will happen .. Pls tell me any other duas that will give me more skoon

      • Sorry to hear candy your in a similar situation! Loneliness kills you more when you look back and think you felt whole with that person but it was only temporary happiness we had! Inshallah Allah will grant us with good husbands who will make us feel whole and happy but the right way 
        We girls base our lives on words and hope yet actions speak louder than words. There were times in my relationship were the pan was burning found the edges I used to think Nah it won't happen I now think why didn't I see the signs that Allah showed me why did I act so childish listen to my heart not my head? The signs were there I knew he was a weak man yet I gave him benefit of doubt! Big mistake inshallah something is better out there for us both just hold faith. 🙂

        • I so agree with what you have said here madi.. if only we saw the signs.. i always used to cry thinking where is this going.. we went throughso much together.. but i needed some reasurrance that in the end it was going to work.. i never got that and was waiting for it.. i guess we are seeing from hindsight now.. i really do hope all the love and time we have given Allah rewards back to us inshallah

          • I know exactly what u mean it was just a waiting game
            Anything small I woul grasp and say yeh no it will happen
            Actions speak louder than words I was like u clinging and waiting and waiting and waiting for a bus that never came! I even started to compare mg relationship to my friends. And how there bf within 1 year introduce and got engaged were as mine was still pondering considering me! Lol I think now he was buying time till he found someone good for him and I was just a void whih was filled
            Only if I could of Been abit more brave and taken the pain all this years back I wouldn't be in this situation now!

      • Dear

        Read Surah Yaseen alot......this Surah is the heart of the Quran and Once you would start reading it daily....you would see the miracle....it soothes the heart and drags out all the shit from the heart....
        Still today i am sad and cried alot today...why because I have given my soul to him but I DID WRONG....our soul belongs to our Allah....our Body belongs to Allah and we can only share ourselves with our husbands....but i didnt ...so I suffered....May Allah forgive us....
        Just read Quran daily and do alot of zikr....do offer nafl prayers too....

        • Your right candy your so right
          No one deserves our soul other than Allah
          It's sad we have to learn to love Allah in such extreme circumstances were so blinded by people! Don't cry or get upset if he can hurt u he's not worth your tears
          But crying helps unleash pain trust me my eyes ate so swollen I've had to invest in a eye cream lol becoz they have gone tru so much pain!
          But trust me the prettiest eyes always shed the most years and the kindest hearts feel the most pain! Allah is testing our patience and ur doing well understanding and Prayin
          Keep going dont put your self down instead look forward

          • Lol about the eye cream.. so true. mashallah its so nice you can still laugh and make jokes.. you have not become bitter , its really nice to see some laughter despite going through and reading all situations here. Candy i hope Allah will heal all your tears and pain.. we all suffered.. will they suffer? As long as we repent for what we have done and take it through to our future inshallah Allah will guide us all the way

        • hi candy candy.. what can i say? you are Not alone.. i'm in a similar situation as well.. we go up, sometimes we come down. so just go up again

    • Lol I have to say my eyes have been deeply effected by this trauma lol they look so bruised so I had to go and buy the best cream but nothing works unless you help your self! I try to laugh if I become bitter then I'm going to change who I am..:-) and trust me I've asked my self the same question and I've asked so many people will he be happy will he suffer like I have? Trust me Ive asked this so many times believe me Allah will do justice as no human should hurt anyone.. The way he has hurt u will come back to him in some form. If your hurt today Allah has rewarded you the pain
      One day he will be questionable to Allah
      Remember Allah is watching and to gain inner peace u have to let Allah deal with things. Don't waste your time beig angrey or bitter
      " whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy" (Al-Bukhari)

      • May Allah keep you happy!! I know too right.. for four months since dec i have become so sad and depressed not even caring what i look like, i just gave up. I fought so hard, gave so so much hoping in the end we would get married but as he got so busy at work i think he also started to think i wasnt worth it. It hurts so much but in the end i think he didnt really hurt me did he, just didnt feel the same way anymore apparently.. but yet when i asked if he missed me he said he did.. if i didnt feel anything for someone i wouldnt miss them.. he even said i nevr meant to hurt u.. but whatever.. its just i gave him so much, he met my family but now i feel as no one knew abouy me its shit on my part.. everyone must think hes a saint or whatever, they dont know what their son was doing for so many yrs or maybe did but cast a blind eye and now whilst they must be all so happy im left with nothing.. it is a joke.. and honestly i ask allll the time , will he regret, will he be happy with someone he doesnt know, will he suffer because it seems hes been rewarddd with a new life.. but if they were to regret Allah would not have given them new lives and wives so quickly.. so maybe they wont.. but what i do know is i gave him everything, everything and so all i can say at this moment is his loss.
        It is their loss.

        • When I read your replied feels like I, looking into a mirror
          I know exactly how you feel u feel what's the point in doing anything who cares it does feel your life has stopped but people are happily moving on with theirs why is it soo easy for people just to carry on like nothing has happened
          I know his family think he is a golden boy butter wouldn't melt and perfect!!!! My ex family think the sun shines out of his backside he is well educated nd has a fab job they live abroad and don't know what his past has been!!! They just say forget it and forget about me lol it's so weird the lack of respect people have for people's daughters it's beyond me!!! But trust me no day is ever the same
          U will get through this... Find yourself do something that you enjoy don't spend tim jus thinking go out and enjoy yourself the right way.. Make your self happy your stronger than you think that's why your going through this!! Allah is testing you stay patient and don't punish out self as you Allah creations! Uv found a new life as a Muslim embrace it speak to women who might be going tru the trails and tribulations you have. Don't think whether he wil be happy with someone he doesn't know as he shouldn't be ur concern u should think about ur own happiness and say good riddance if he could dot this is he worth it? I wish I could practice what. Preach!!! Lol

          • Lolll i must say you are crackin me up. Today has been such a weird weird day. Since i spoke to him last sun reaching today was like a countdown for me. But today come and its nearly gone and i have hardly felt anything.. yes i feel like shit and still having the odd thought here nd there but no where as bad as i thought i was going to be. Well its 6pm now , hes obviously a married man so whatever. But i know.. its not all our fault , they were in a relationship with us but yet how we feel means nothing.and trust me im sure they think the sun shines out of his too, but this really does hurt. I hope in 4wks i too can be having the same outlook and lolll i know we always give advice but its hard to follow ourselves!

  5. Salam Madi..

    First of all, ya Allah, what a hard test Allah is giving to you right now.. but then just remember as the Quran says " I will not give a test to my slaves more then he can handle" So think about it, maybe on the superficial, everything looks bleak, but deep inside I know you are strong enough to endure and fight this test. "All mankind who lives will definitely have a taste of death" So always remember that and enshallah you'll be fine..

    About your problems, well, I can well relate ans ya Allah, honestly right now, the best thing to do is to forget about him and move on. I know this sounds harsh, but it's not impossible. Take all the time you need, please read the Quran frequently, the Meanings, because honestly, that's what pull me through. "you may like something that is bad for you, and you hate something that is good for you, Allah knows, which you know not". Maybe this is it Madi, maybe this is what Allah is talking about. Everything that happened had been Written, so all we can do is just to try our best, work for what we want, and leave Allah for the rest. Sometimes it works out, sometimes we fail, but Allah says "And Allaah loves As-Saabirin (the patient ones)". You told me you repent, and alhamdulela, you seem close to Him, so this is time Madi, to be closer. For you, and me both.

    I think he was put under pressure, he was confused, and he's just trying to please his mum, which is not wrong since it's an obligation for him to do so. I know you were with him for seven years and that's a very long time, but maybe Allah wants you to have a fresh life, the one where the memories of Sins being with him will soon fade away. I'm on this same test at this moment, and still fighting for it. That's what you have to do to. Take time to heal, be closer to Allah, and always pray. Just know that in all tests there are two outcomes, one will bring us further from Allah and one will bring us closer to Him. So pick wisely.

    If you need a friend, we'r all here for you.. I'm here for you as well.. Remember Him and enshallah you'll be fine 🙂

    • Wasalam mira
      Thanks for your reply and kind words
      Ur right time is a healer I'm trying to talk about it as much as I can as I don't want to block it out them It comes and hits me in my face
      I'm trying to move on for myself before I thought he's moved on so should I but no im who matters now
      People can be horriable and mean I guess it's how I deal with it- I need to come out with some self respect which I have left as I feel so embarrassed how everything has happened I feel sometimes like a joke in his family how I was just "some girl" that's all I wasn't even referred by my name most of the time lol gosh I had a lucky escape didn't I 
      I'm just praying to Allah this has bought me closer to him... Itjust frustrates me how
      Many girls have been in these situations by guys!! 7 years is along. Time I have to think logically now like a man less emotions lol I need to b is to be patient and not question Allah decisions but accept what happens is for the best

      • Its so weird.. i feel everything you are feeling.. i guess trying to seek answers advice and comfort frokm other sisters that have gone through the same.. n i too feel like a joke.. my whole family apart from my dad, even extended family knew about him.. but apart from 2members of his family no one knew about me.. n this is what hurts.. thinking how happy thy must be today whilst i m left to pick up the pieces and they have no idea.. i felt so bad for my mum too she was also heartbroken when i told her.. and its so true.. guys have like no emotions.. it does baffle me.. whilst talking in the last 2mths i feel ashamed to say it and astighfirullah but he wanted to be witj me for a last time.. we didnt though, but i said to him how cn u be say n b like this when u stil kno jow i feel about you.. and i said youre getting married. Ah may Allah make us stronger

        • D I know what you mean it's comforting to know your not alone in all of this
          So many of us are hurt it's awful
          I was so confident about him I told my family about him only my farther didn't know but my mum told him directly that a ristha might come and guy and girl has a understanding she bought him round.. My Mamo met him however I only met his one sibling when I requested to meet the family and he asked his parents they refused as they didn't want to show that there interested in me lol how rude and hurtful!
          Yet I was ok for everything else but they didn't have the respect to see me that's so bad
          They knew about me but I was worthy of meeting them
          I had too much faith that he would do the right thig by me I thought I make him happy I always wasn't demanding and was there for him we wer through so much surely I thought he would do his part? No I built respect for him but my izat goes unnoticed
          So horriable!

          • That's so bad he wanted to be with u for the last time how dare he
            Dont ask the last time I met him he was normal showing me love and affection
            When I questioned him u were showing me love all he said was it was coz we both knew this was the last time!!!
            D you know what wil happen this will come and hit him
            In his face one day no one can go around and treat someone.like this! Some guys and girls think u can treat people like there pile of trash' no Allah will do justice for those who hurt you! Stay patient and don't think about it trust me it screws ur mind more and more! I do it everyday and it's not worth the pain

      • i'm glad you are being so positive and strong Masyallah. You Do realise that all this is just a test, to delete all your previous sins if you handle this test well.. the truth is Madi is that I might be facing the Same situation in the future, so when that day comes, please be here for me as well.. I got a proposal but rejected it because that's not the guy i want to be with, even though my parents will never accept him and he moved on. we girls sadly to say follow our hearts instead of our minds. remember the ayah " in each man there is a flesh which is if it's good, then the rest is good, and vice versa-that is the hear" so sometimes i'm scared of this. what to do but just to e close to Quran and enshallah one day all our pain and sufferings will go away. sometimes i feel the unbearable pain and is just so mad at myself because trust me, a lot of other people got tested Harder than I do. Than We do. look at Syrians. look a their children. Maybe all this points need to reconsider.. i like your statement (i think it was yours), something like it's easier to give advice than to take it. well, we'r all trying here you and me both, and enshallah Allah is rewarding us. sometimes when I miss my ex i just istighfar and try to miss Allah instead. i kept telling myself if I have Allah i dont need anyone else.. lastly, do u know that what you think Allah think of you is true.. so answer this question.. what do u think Allah is thinking of you. Is He mad? pleased?forgiving? enshallah we'r all be fine

        • Your right life is a test and it won't be over! I'm sorry to hear what you have been through but you have to think about yourself if he has moved on repent and think  and look ahead! It's unfortunate how we fall into a trap think of life before we became so foolish how simple it was! Don't worry I'll always be here to listen but don't do what I did let it hit me when you least expect it., what your doing is right keeping Allah in your mind and heart at all times and doing astagfhar.. And your right people do get tested harder they loose there loved ones,I'll health everyone is being tested in some form or another maybe we are the lucky ones who have not yet seen the extremes! We should count our sleeves lucky!
          We do have Allah we don't need anyone .. If your ex could leave you and not stand by your side then he wasn't right for you! He showed his true colours and has done u major favour!  We girls do follow out hearts maybe it's time to think like a man more logically with less emotions in the long run we will protect ourselves unroll we can give our hearts to the right person inshallah which will be our husbands! Think ahead inshallah we will all get through this bad dream!

  6. Salaam sister.

    I know there is very little comfort that can be offered to you right now but I want you to know I have been in your situation. I had my heart broken. And I no longer feel the pain and hurt I used to feel Alhumdulilah. I have moved on. We were both social outcasts, he was also ill and for a long time I felt no one understood me except him (our relationship was emotional.) He felt the same. My parents never accepted it so we fought so much to get engaged. And we did eventually. It was me and him against the world.

    But then he changed one day - he started getting really angry with me. The next minute he would wait outside my house crying and begging for me back, making promises. This went on for a while until one day he just..left. Broke the engagement. It took me a while to 'take it in.' I spent the next month in despair. Crying. I too broke down at work on occasions. I felt so betrayed thinking about the promises he made and broke. The worst thing was how much I tried to make it work but it didn't. I decided to go for counselling in the end because I wasn't functioning normally. It wasn't easy, and I still cried each night but it got less and less. I would go to sleep doing tasbih. I would cry so much in my salat.

    I went through anger at him, to questioning to despair and it began to fade. At one point I decided that all this pain was not worth it if there was no change in me. I wanted to see the good in it. For if Allah had given me this and taken it away there must have been good. So I started thinking. I still missed him but I kept busy.
    I changed my outlook and stopped placing my hopes in guys. I realised I had low self-esteem and couldnt love myself which is why I had no friends and probably why I fell for this guy.

    I realised that it was a mistake relying on insaan (humans) 100% and that no matter how perfect one seems that humans always always let you down. The only one to rely on 100% is Allah swt. This was my glimmering light amongst the dark tunnel and I clung to it. I worked on my relationship with Allah. And made tawbah for putting this guy up on a pedestal. I realised that no love should be greater than the love we have for Allah.

    A few tips if you still struggle:

    -Keep busy and maybe do the things you couldnt do (as long as they are halal) when you were with him. Take up some halal hobbies, especially if they require you to think a lot.
    - Listen to lectures, learn about Islam. Even if you've heard them before listen again.
    - Get involved in volunteering if you can or help others.
    -
    Start a project/anything. I did some DIY which really helped.
    - Pray your salat, read Qur'an and do night prayers
    - Cry and repent to Allah and ask Him to show you the good in this trial.

    - Some days you will feel like you're doing well, then you may suddenly have a bad day - dont beat yourself up for this/ for thinking about him. Just try not to think about him all the time.

    People will tell you to forget about this guy and I know that will infuriate you dear sister. It infuriated me. You cannot just erase someone from your heart. But I want you to know, speaking from experience that it does get better. Time does heal the wounds. It gets easier as long as you dont indulge in destructive behaviour. I no longer feel anything for this guy: no love, no hate, no anger, nothing. We are not in contact. But I did learn a lot from the experience and it made me closer to Allah. I have since avoided pre-marital relationships Alhumdulilah or getting close to guys. I have learnt to love myself as I am. And I have realised that had I have married him it would have been disastrous. He was not right for me - so Allah took him away. He did what was best for me.

    And yes I am far from being the perfect Muslim. But it so much easier and more refreshing to do a salat without the guilt of knowing you will be seeing this guy later. And I am much much happier now Alhumdulilah then I ever was with him. You have to realise happiness comes not just from satisfaction in this world. It comes only from obedience to Allah. So dear sister if you are 'happy' with a boyfriend, you will never have that peace because you are continuosly committing sin.

    While you are in this dark place you will not see this reality. But if you ride out the storm with patience, and trust in Allah (turn to Him.) Then you will heal and gain this understanding in time inshaAllah.
    I hope this gives you some hope, that it is survivable if you allow yourself to heal. Of course this means cutting contact with him and making yourself uncontactable to him as well (change your number if you can.) Otherwise you run the risk of getting stuck in a loop.

    It will get better InshaAllah - just gotta get through the storm first.

    • Thanks your right in everything you said
      I'm sorry to hear what you have been through but it's refreshing to know that you have come
      Out stronger through this. I guess within time inshallah I'll realise Its been 4 weeks nearly since he got married and from the day he told me till now I'm much better alhumduliah! I have my weak moments were I break down at my desk and feel my heart is so heavy i can't breath.. Things remind me of him throughout my day which knocks me down but I'm trying trying my best to forget as much as I can I mean he's married now and I don't wish him harm! His wife is innocent In this mess and the last time
      I did speak to him I just wished him well even though it kills me to think of him with another women but that women is his wife all I was a girlfriend what a joke! I guess what frustrates me is that I wasn't seen in his eyes with that respect that a man has for a girl who he can see as a wife! I guess I should stop question in g the ifs buts whys and just get on with it he has
      You have gone through something similar and it makes my heart feel lighter that mashallah your stronger and don feel anything. I have cut connections he Txts me to see if I'm ok I don't rely I do need to change my number as he can't have the best of both worlds!
      Keep me on the side for company until his wife comes over ., I just wish one day he feels what I've gone through he will because he has hurt me so much its indescribable :-(((((

      • My cousin said the same thing to me a few weeks ago.. if in two wks he comes to nsays the weddingis over then u know it was meant to be, if not u need to move on because at the moment youre the one who looks cheap as no one knew about you and that woman will be his wife. The same thing hurt me, that i wasnt marriage material. N my dear exactly that, when he said he wante to be with me i thought wht u cant have the best of both worlds, so if he contacts you be strong and tell him to leave you alone , that he didnt want to make things work so y contact u now. Tell him to stop contactingyou or youll tell his parents!! Thats so bad he thinks he can even stil talk to you like nothing happened!

    • This is so true.. humans will always let you down.. its sad we've had to go through all this to realise that Allah is the only constant one in our lives. I also see now that being happy with a boyfriend means nothing. Hence why i pray to Allah he has some happiness in store with a loving husband soon. May Allah grant this all for us inshallah

      • Inshallah do dua to Allah that one day we are treated with love and respect from life partners who realise our worth
        My mum says one day u will look back and laugh how foolish and think "that is who I was crying over"
        You have to go through hard times to appreciate the good people that come your way
        You sound like you have good support from your family your mum especially and think your self fortunate I have the same supprt! The people who pick u up deserve to see you happy not sad so think positive always for the sake of your family! Don't torture yourself I have done it so many times
        Instead pray to Allah you will aswell look back and think I was crying for someone who was not worth it!!!

      • Everything you have written here zaara is so true.. may Allah keep you on the good path and reward you for your patience.. i too have no interest in having any relationship with a guy unless its for marriage.. i guess this is why Allah may have done this for us, to repent for our sins and be close to him. Inshallah we will all be rewarded

    • I read what you have wrote everyday when I'm going tru down times thank you so much your words and experience ease my pain x

      • I hope you had a better day today.. I was alright today, up until I finished work and started having thoughts again and was on the verge of breaking into tears but i just thought of Allah instead.. my body is going through a lot of pain.. im quite down, but inshallah Allah will help.. you have been in my duas and i really hope Allah will see us through this test

  7. Salaam Madi,

    I know it doesn't feel like it but this is likely to be a blessing in disguise. This guy was obviously not right for you no matter how you loved him, because Allah has turned you away from each other.

    Read and ponder upon this:

    "It may be that you detest something which is good for you; while perhaps you love something even though it is bad for you. God knows, while you do not know."Verse 2:216

    If his family were that difficult and expected you to leave your family for theirs then Alhumdulilah you have had a lucky escape. Marrying him would most likely have led to unhappiness due to his family's excessive demands. So Allah has saved you. And as written in the previous posts you will InshaAllah see this as a blessing in time.

    Not only this but you have Alhumdulilah become Muslim and helped your family become Muslim. Seek comfort in the fact that Allah loves you. He called you to Him. There are so many in the world that do not have this privelidge. And it may be that this guy was an instrument in the process of you turning to Islam and nothing more than that. Guidance is from Allah alone so take comfort that with time it will heal InshaAllah as long as you are patient.

    We are here for you sis Madi and you are welcome to comment on this post of yours if you need further advice.
    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

    • Thank you for your support, help and adv

      • W Salam
        Thanks Sara your right it is a blessing in disguise from Allah that our paths could not go any further with each other
        I do believe that no one should have to leave there family nor should there be extreme demands if u want to marry someone I just now think if he couldn't support me while at my patents house could he do it being married to me? If he can turn his back from me 7 years I'm sure he can walk away anytime
        I guess the way u see it now he helped me understand my faith and belief more I was blinded by what I was born and raised into instead he did help me question maybe that's the reason why Allah sent him in my life maybe it wasn't ment to be for him to be my husband but for the time being I made changes and turned to Islam
        I think what eats me up is I'm scared of what's to come this one experience has kinda kicked me down but I'm leaving it all to Allah what ever comes my way I know Allah has decided what's best for me we as humans try our best to create our own fate but anything can be changed in a instant by Allah when we're steering away from what is written for us
        Thanks again your advice means alot 

  8. I cant believe the amount of us in similar situations, it breaks my heart to see so many of us left heartbroken but the guys seem to get a second chance.. i am in a similar position and today he is getting married.. i have beenvup since the break of dawn praying to Allah for his comfort.. i have cried and cried and i too on numerous occasions have broken down at work. Our relationship ended in dec after nearly 4years.. for some timw he got so busy with work and we argued but i persevered because he was the one i wanted my nikkah with...ci had sabr and kept telling myself anything as long as he ended up being my husband. Then in dec he broke it off saying he didnt feel the same way about me anymore.. i was devastated, after nearly four years i was left with nothing. Main reason was he didnt feel the same way but as a side reason that i wasnt a muslim and wasnt someone as strict who could get along with his mum. Fair enough the first comment but the latter was rubbish as i had always intended in reverting. I tried hard since dec trying to make things work , calling, txin and he would get back to me but at the same time telling me to stop. In jan i did the shahada. I never told him. I was praying and praying to Allah to reunite us in nikkah.. then late feb he told me his parents were getting him married.. my heart sunk a little bit more.. i was in a state of despair crying everywhere, i felt sick to the stomach knowing another woman would be there for him and all the more, he only lives 10minutes from me.. still i prayed to Allah to forgive all my sins.. i couldnt understand what was wrong with me.. all my life since hitting my teens all i have wanted is acceptance and love into a family , a loving

    • D I am sorry to hear about what your goin through I know the feeling of being on a  all time low
      Your situation is very similar to mine and it's a awful place to be in believe me this guy is not worth it
      U have reverted mashallah that should be the only thing that should matter..Allah has not reunited you because this guy is not written for you inshallah you will meet or find someone who will love you truly by my understanding he didn't want it as much as you did! He had told himself it wasn't going to happen so he's moved on
      Today ur hurt believe me talkin from experience it will hurt u today tomorrow but you will come out the winner in all of this. It feels like your world has fallen apart u feel murdered and sick to the stomach but have faith in Allah
      Keep praying.. Your prayers have not gone unnoticed when your heart sinks Allah feels your pain no human can, trust me Allah is with u at this moment and he is has something better In store stay patient, cry if it helps think tho you have been trying to make it work chasing him making him realise believe me if it's ment to be it wouldn't be this hard there should be a balence always from both sides! If he has got married good luck to him but your worth more ., Save your tears for someone who matters
      Keep praying inshallah in time it will get easier have faith in Allah and don't let ur iman weaken let Allah catch u when you fall trust me you will be standing taller than them all one day 

  9. I cant believe the amount of us in similar situations, it breaks my heart to see so many of us left heartbroken but the guys seem to get a second chance.. i am in a similar position and today he is getting married.. i have beenvup since the break of dawn praying to Allah for his comfort.. i have cried and cried and i too on numerous occasions have broken down at work. Our relationship ended in dec after nearly 4years.. for some timw he got so busy with work and we argued but i persevered because he was the one i wanted my nikkah with...ci had sabr and kept telling myself anything as long as he ended up being my husband. Then in dec he broke it off saying he didnt feel the same way about me anymore.. i was devastated, after nearly four years i was left with nothing. Main reason was he didnt feel the same way but as a side reason that i wasnt a muslim and wasnt someone as strict who could get along with his mum. Fair enough the first comment but the latter was rubbish as i had always intended in reverting. I tried hard since dec trying to make things work , calling, txin and he would get back to me but at the same time telling me to stop. In jan i did the shahada. I never told him. I was praying and praying to Allah to reunite us in nikkah.. then late feb he told me his parents were getting him married.. my heart sunk a little bit more.. i was in a state of despair crying everywhere, i felt sick to the stomach knowing another woman would be there for him and all the more, he only lives 10minutes from me.. still i prayed to Allah to forgive all my sins.. i couldnt understand what was wrong with me.. all my life since hitting my teens all i have wanted is acceptance and love into a family , a loving husband and where i could be a loving daughter to his family.. i srarted questioning myself thinking am i that bad a person.. then from late feb up until last weekend we were still talking , it hadnt sunk in that he was really getting married. I know hes not ready for marriage but has gone along with what his family wants and if he really didnt want to then he wouldnt, but he is getting married today, his nikkah may have already been done..

    I felt i wanted to share my experience to show that you are not alone and having read so much on this forum us sisters are not alone in our pain. Its just so heartbreaking. The one good thing to come out of this was i finally turned to Allah.. i finally found him.. i didnt tell him til last wkend that id reverted and expected nothing.. all i pray for now is Allah to forgive my sins and bring me close to him and to eventually grant me happiness in a living muslim husband. I hope Allah can give you strength.. i know how extremely hard it is but Allah will help.. i feel Allah is comforting me and helping me right now because i never thought onthis day i would have any strength to open my eyes.. but alhamdulila i have hardly even cried.. i just pray one day Allah may let them see thbe heartbreak they have caused us and our families-my mum even said i thought he was going to marry you..

    You have found Allah like i have and i think this is what was meant to happen.. now we are repenting and trying to stay on the straight path and know how to act and be for the future. One thing is true, try not contact him, it makes it so much worse and makes you feel much worse too. May Allah alleviate all your pain and grant you a hysband that is far from the way he has been with you.

    May Allah bring us through all our tests
    Allah hu akbar

    • Sorry I jus read all of your message
      Your brave mashallah and inspiring 
      Your right in everything you have wrote.. The best thing I have learned is that I have gained not lost I have come to Islam seen the right path inshallah I hope never to loose sight but keep my trust in Allah always!!!!
      Its so sad to hear u have been in a similar situation I know how it feels like to want acceptance and love trying to do anything for them just to look in your direction but they will just look beyond you! I just tell myself its there loss! If people can be so narrow minded then its there loss
      You didn't tell him about your shahada u left everything to Allah inshallah Allah will bring something even better to you ! we have gained love of Allah one thing I feel is a big weight of my shoulders since I have turned to Islam the feeling is amazing!

      • I do feel Allah wil help us soon inshallah. I just do hope that they one day see the love and care we could have given them. I know Allah will not let this injustice to happen to us.. i hope Allah can keep you strong and give you some happiness so you can forget. Its 1.30pm his nikkah must have been done now, hes a married man.. Allah gave him a wife so soon.. may he grant us loving husbands soon too so we can also forget. I know it feels like we wasted all our years, all our time, love and effort and have been left with nothing. But we have Allah. He will forgive us and inshallah keep us close to him. Keep praying and saying La ilaha anta subhanaka ini kuntu minazalimeen and do a lot of duroods for the prophet pbuh. And this is true, happiness in this world is only temporary, may we pray for our akhira too.
        Allah will get us through this

        • Bless you its so sad when you think about these things don't honestly it will eat you inside what there doing what's going on is he happy? These questions and the reality will keep eating u its not worth it
          I know ur right Allah gave him a wife so quick but thats what was written for hi

          Inshallah what's written for you will happen will do dua for u as I know it hurts so much but trust Allah he has saved u from him.. He wasn't right don't think about the good times weigt up ur relationship think was it equal, was it balence d think of the bad times do u can turn ur love to anger
          He's gone and got married he's someone's husband now it's such a ctap feelin being in love with a married man even tho I thought I had the right to him but I don't Allah has decided to give him to someone else
          Don't get down pls and don't look at the clock
          No ones life ever stops don't stop yours
          U find your own happiness now.. Do what makes u feel good., think of this as a blessing and the first day for the rest of your life inshallah again I will do dua that Allah grants you someone who u deserve

  10. Youre so right, it was just a waiting game.. we will regret not doing anything about it sooner but whats done is done now. Whats happened has happened. Your mum is right , inshallah one day we will look back and say i cried over nothing. But you know what the most stupidest thing is.. is that i still have some feeling that one day he will regret.. i know its impossible and its probably shaitaan making me have these feelings. When i spoke to him last wk for the last time he just sounded so cold about everything.. i said to him so u excited he said no not really.. bt he said nothing is stopping him and hes not getting younger and its half his deen to get married.. vhe also knew about his deen when we got together no.. anyway. I guess we all have to move on and for the better now. Madi and everyone you will be in my duas that Allah will only from now forward bring tears of joy inshallah. Hopefully we can come back here and say everything has worked out. At the moment im a bit lost but praying for Allahs guidance, thinking who will accept me now..
    Keep strong and may all your memories of him fade away

    • Ur right it is a waiting game nothing can be erased over night especially memories! Trust me he will regret
      When I spoke to my ex all he said to me was that I don't know what I have done I regret it but can't go back during his nikaah he was thinking about me! Such a joke seriously ... Why do it then!??? 
      Then he turned all cold saying I have responsible ties now and I'm not going to let my past ruin my future.. My reply- as they say u have made your bed lie in it!! 
      When people have something and leave it coz they assume they will get something better trust me it's not always the case! Everyone Luks back and to see what they have and had an he will do that aswell. Yet inshallah you will be in a good position at least u can say u have tried ur best u went to all lengths extremes to fight for him what did he do? Took the easy way out! I'm sorry life doesn't have no short cuts if u want something u have to fight.. Yet these days girls are ready to fight there way but guys aren't which is sad but if doesnt then trust me he's not worth it
      You will inshallah get married to someone just have patience he will be someone special and better than this guy
      D I have the same worry I worry all the time who will accept me and my family
      This guy I was with knew my situation yet after 7 years was afraid to take me on? Who else will.. My answer is I don't know I leave it to Allah 
      Don't think about it it will happen it self inshallah you will matched with a good muslim husband who will stand up for you rather than u doing  it will respect you more coz u have taken stands in your life u have broken away from the norm and followed your heart. That's all that should matter so chin up don't get sad remember today is the first day of the rest of your life pray to Allah and inshallah things will get easier!

  11. Omg exactly.. then y do it and after say i regret.. theyre all weak.. not real men.. i guess real men wouldnt have even let it get this far and not ask for our hand in marriage.. and its true what you said when u leave something n think ul get better it can be the opposite. All we know is we did our best, fought til the end, did so so many duas. Surely Allah will inshallah reward us. I was thinking just this that today my life starts.. that today i have to finally move on.. ive just eaten some mcdonalds in bed to make me feel better lol. Its comforting to know four wks later you are happily getting on in life.. i really hope thoughts of them and what theyre doing if they think of us are slowly diminished.. and i always think the same, i have reverted but my family are stil christians and hindus, i think which muslim guy will ever understand this.. but i also think Allah will not leave us.. we have finally turned to him and inshallah Allah will help and guide us and make this easy for us
    Allah hu akbar

    • Mashallah you should be so proud of your self for coming to Islam! Life is a test and trust me you will meet a guy who will respect the journey you have taken to come we're you are! Dont loose faith in Allah.. You have prayed endlessly but Allah is showing you this is not it,.. There is more to come something better don loose hope faith or iman! Ur going to come out stronger regardless of who your family are your a muslim and your husband will inshallah will understand
      I have a cousin he recently married a revert who was Hindu! My family have accepted him his family are Hindu ... However he accepted Islam! Have faith in Allah he will guide you keep praying and inshallah you will come out stronger than ever

      At least u can look back and say yeahh I did the best I can what did he do? He will look back at the girl that was willing to do everything but it is too late! Trust me in this what goes around comes around! I'm slowly mending the cracks in my life... Getting up trying to live for myself my FAM and most of All Allah! Best thin for you to do is de-clutter- anything that you have of his throw away you don't need any reminders will make you feel some pain but it will be a constant reminder when you think about him pray instead will give you some peace in your mind and remember Allah is feeling your pain  your not alone
      Bless you its good your eatin I spent weeks even now I'm not eating right which is so stupid! Keep eatin an fight this horriable episode of your life! 
      His loss will be your gain inshallah!!!

      • I think holding it together the whole day is finally catching up with me.. this is bad but i think today he will be intimate with her.. he will kiss her.. omg.. im trying trying to push this to the back of my mind.. i really do hope he does look back and think that because right now he has totally broken me. it is comforting to know that your family has accepted a revert, inshallah this will be the same for us. I think at this moment in time im not at that stage yet where i can declutter his stuff but inshallah i will be soon. I honestly know what you mean , i dont eat properly every day either.. what do us women do to ourselves over guys.. y do we always let ourselves get affected si much.. i hope Allah will pull you through this and only make you stronger and bring you close to him

        • d, don't be like this. don't think of such thoughts. trust me, once you start, it's so hard to stop. everyone has past. everyone made mistakes. everyone had to endure hardships. La Nukallifu Ala Wusa'ha.. Allah will not bestow upon his slaves more than he could bear. I'm a bit down myself, if I continue to think of the past, to think of what was and what could have been. Sometimes you just need to settle down your minds and thoughts. Do not entertain such negative thoughts. But we'r just humans, we'r all trying very hard to please Him

          • I know mira.. once you start you cant stop.. thats y whenever i have any thoughts i quickly thnk for one second and then try to block it out quickly again.. i know we have to just think of Allah and think we can pass this test.. may Allah pull you through this and make you stronger too.. people have hurt us but Allah will be there for us.. it touches my heart that we can all give comfort to eachother.. youll all be in my duas

  12. please pray for me.. Sunday is Not my best day.. It's memory day.. every Sunday I would cry. so please let me make it through tomorrow with a smile

    • Try not to cry.. today was a rubbish day for me but somehow i got through.. just pray pray and talk to Allah he will hear you

      • Bless you both
        Gosh we are going through such trails and tribulations its awful but u both have to think clear with a open mind and heart! I know the feeling when ur heart sinks thinking about them how there just living there lives and not a care in the world but we have to stop thinking what could of been and just remember Allah has saved us! D when my ex got married and I saw his wedding pictures my heart sunk he was smiling and I just looked at them both made me sick I thought I should be stood with him that's my place but then again Allah decided that's not right for me! Even now I'm jelous of someone else's happiness how sad and pathetic is that.. I'm sad how i longed to be with him and some one comes under 5 mins and takes my place.. But I guess that wasn't my place from the start ok now I'm getting all emotional and sad now lol
        Inshallah we will overcome it keep doing dua don't lose faith in Allah believe me you will get stronger day by day today has been the toughest day he's done the deed now it's a fresh start for you!
        Sister Mira when you wake up In the morning say alhumduliah and smile Allah will be happy with you
        Sunday is not a sad day but a blessing do something for yourself trust me keep your mind occupied the day will pass!
        Think about future goals! Don't stop your life! Think abou charity work
        Gaining some self fulfilment from helping others .. Or if your down well chat and let your emotions out rather than locking them inside
        I hope tomorrow is. New day new start and the past is pushed a day away! Keep faith hold on it won't be a easy ride but remember Allah is with u to navigate u tru the pain and sorrow!!!

        • I so completely understand and know what you are going through. Sure im on the mend but at the moment i would not be able to see his wedding pics or ever see their faces down the road. I also thought how can a woman hes known for five minutes now replace me but then we come back to the sad realisation that we were nothing to them. Not fit for marriage. Its so heartbreaking and we did waste our years and couldve put those years into finding a husband instead but this is all with hindsight.. i believe Allah can not let us b this unhappy and suffering whilst they are all happy. Nothing to do with revenge but realisation. I do pray that Allah lets them realise what they have given up. May Allah let us get through this stronger and above it, inshallah

          • Amen!!!! Ur right I've thought everything u have
            The thing is we gave to much and recieved nothing in return we accepted flaws thought and saw what we wanted to see created a false picture clinging on to hope/expectation and words
            Don't think you have wasted years think of what you have gained from this experience as life is a big experience with good times and bad inshallah Allan will grant us with good pious husbands who will stand a d fight regardless of family/caste/culture/religion take us for who we are! We just have t stay patient and let Allah shower us with happiness one day! Believe me those who are hurt today come out stronger In the end! Just don't loose faith your doing really well mashallah I don't know you personally but always praying that the next few days you become stronger- as they say you don't know how strong you are untilll being strong is the only option you have!!! Smile,,,, your happiness depends on you now the best revenge is moving on getting over it.... Don't give anyone the satisfaction of watching you suffer,,,

  13. Sister Madi, d, mira91 and all,
    I know all of you are hurt and been offered excellent advice by everyone here masha Allah. Remember sisters that we suffer when we degrade ourselves by not following Allah (swt) commands and in turn sell ourselves short. Past is past, although difficult to forget but we have to because we are here for a purpose to achieve our eternal goal. Let these guys go, off course it will take time and connect to your Lord the almighty who is the only source of solace and comfort when everyone on this earth fails and when even our parents can't help us. Just read the posts on http://islamicsunrays.com/ to uplift yourself from this darkness; these were written by brother Wael our senior editor and many have benefited from them and so will you all iA.

    Also, read these following posts as well by Yasmin Mogahed.

    http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2010/04/27/hurt-by-others-how-to-cope-and-heal/

    http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2012/01/03/this-is-love/

    Muhammad1982,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Thank you brother for your kind words, i have read nearly all posts on islamicsunrays whih is how i found this site and it has helped me most definetly. Even brother wael has also helped me. Ive read the yasmin mogahed posts aswell and theyre all very inspiring. Sure we have committed haram and we have repented but i guess what all our questions are do they suffer the same having now got married..
      May Allah forgive and alleviate al our pain!

      • '..putting our entire trust, reliance and hope in another person is just plain foolish. We have to remember that humans are fallible and therefore our ultimate trust, reliance and hope should only be put in Allah.. nothing should be our ultimate object except Allah. Nothing should come before Allah in our hearts. And we should never come to a point where we love something other than Allah in such a way that it becomes impossible to live without it. This type of love is not love but worship and causes nothing but pain.'

        I think this quote from yasmin mogaheds piece mentioned above has most definetly hit the nail on the head

  14. yes.. it's true.. it's like you subconsciously make him your drug till the point that you became addicted to it. sometimes I'm mad at myself because of that. Just repent then. but Remember that like drugs/smoking, the stoppage of it has to be Gradual.. otherwise there will be Withdrawal syndroms..That is the worst..

    • Very true..even i am mad at myself for getting so lost in so called love. Can u believe when he ended it in dec , understandably i was hurt but never begged, never said i miss u , yes i ws contacting him but never said anything like that and he ws like dont make this difficult.. as if i was supposed to just not feel hurt and accept it.. argh.. at least now we know how to be for the future inshallah

      • Thank you brother for the links I've read them all and they are a great help
        Your right the past is the past and girls we have put these men ahead of us! Why?
        No person is greater than Allah! It's strange how we become so sunk in love we forget ourseleves!
        Trust me I begged and pleaded lost my self respect in the making yet that person didn't hear my cries or my sorrows! Is he worth it then? No way!!!
        If someone can then there back on you then they are not worth it were learning the hard way. During the darkness Allah will never turn his back instead hold the torch so we can get out of the mess we are in! Never lose hope in Allah
        Never leave your happiness in someone else's hands that's one thing I have learned

        • Today i know Allah was there for me.. i was dreading sat comin but it came n went n of course i had the odd thought here and there but it Allah i know helped me.. i prayed to him to not turn his back on me.. exactly,now we know to only have faith in Allah.. he is the only constant one in our lives

          • Bless you the hardest part has happened now it's time to accept
            It's easy to drift and think of the past but when you do just think of this as the book has now closed and your starting a new life inshallah the right way with Allah by ur side

  15. I know.. i feel so drained! So emotionally drained, tired, tired of everything. Just want to forget everything and move on. I have no interest in keeping any memories within me. Its too painful. You will be in my prayers, Allah will be with us for being patient. I tend to breakdown at my desk at work when i start having any thoughts. Inshallah tomorrow will be a different day. I guess whenever we have any thoughts we should immediately direct them to Allah. I do hope you and all those suffering from the same heartbreak here are soon showered with blessings from Allah inshallah. May he increase our iman and never cease to go to him in times of need and joy. Inshallah soon we will have some happiness and our hearts will be full of joy again.

    • I know you just want to put everything behind you and start afresh
      Inshallah you will you will have good days and bad days you will smile one day and cry the next
      Today I feel so emotionally drained out I miss him so much then I smack myself and say hes married I think today I'm having a down day! When your at work if you have someone your close to talk to them believe me it helps! When my x broke up with me foolishly I went to work and broke down so badly but my support network have helped me thru it! So if you can talk about it ... Im always asking my friends will he be happy, why wasn't I enough... Eventually you will stop asking these questions and will realise you know what there is nothing wrong me instead he's the idiot!!!! So inshallah trust me time will help today looks very dull tomorrow inshallah will be brighter ! Stay strong xxx

      • And honestly, i also went to work when things happened in dec.. 1 sister asked how i was n i just started crying.. ya it was and is so hard, but we are pulling through inshallah. Since sat i havent really cried to let it out, i dont know if its hit me yet but im keeping it in and trying, Allah knows how much. And ive questioned myself endlessly today thinking what was so wrong with me.. i know he was still attracted to me.. but i wasnt enough.. coming on this site helps a lot.. everyone keeps saying you deserve better and inshallah someone so wonderful will come soon.. maybe when we least expect it sis.. keep the faith in Allah
        Allah hu akbar

  16. I am so shocked to see how many storys there are like this in these times. I feel for every women who has ever been betrayed in this way. I know from my own life how hurtfull it is to have your life pulled from under your feet and left to feel completely worthless because of these socalled men that can't even stand up for what they want. Because what mum sais goes. Grown men claiming that they couldn't do anything. Its what the family wanted. PATHETIC excuses. Then why claim that they love you why cry? My partner and I was together almost 4years and when people would say one day he will marry back home. I never once doubted him because he promised he would never leave me even if it meant he would never marry. But he gave into pressure. A weak pathetic excuse for a man. If he could be with another while thinking of me then he is sick in the head just like he's parents. They are hypocrites and they use their sons for their own selfish need to claim some sort of honour. They should take a long look in the mirror before deciding to ruin 3lives with 1hit. They do not care for anyone but their own selfish need. And then if your realy lucky you may be considered as a second wife. How exciting to be branded a homewrecker when he's been in love with you all along. I think these people are cold cruel people with heart of stone. But as much as I blame his mum its him what's done this to me so I blame him a weak little boy who will always be under his mums rules. I'm sorry for my ranting but it sickens me to see good women who have been there thru thick and thin to be cast aside like trash. And then he is so selfish he can't even look you in the eye because he is so hurt. Like I said pathetic excuse of a man. Who will probably never find happiness completely because of his mums choice. I pitty the poor girl from back home who will come to the uk to slave under the family and become a baby makings machines. Disgusting

  17. Hi sister
    I hope your well
    I agree with everything you have said about these type of men who treat women with minimal respect! To be honest I dont know how they can live with themselves by hurting others just to fulfil there own family wishes! I guess with myself or any other girl: we just went for the wrong man or let's rephrase boy! Seriously it does make me really angrey how some families know about there kids wishes, would rather them do haram but when it comes to marriage have there own choice even though there fully aware that there is a girl who wants to marry there son! It's disgusting how lives are ruined but believe me Allahs plans are the best plans! It's best knowing what a persons like now than after marriage! In my situation I don't personally think I would of been happy as it my ex didnt have the backbone to defend me at my parents house how would he of managed to take care of me and support me in the future! Believe me from the day I wrote this post alhumduliah alhumduliah I'm so much stronger! It makes me angrey how I have been treated yet now I pity him! He will have to lead a life to fulfil his patents wishes and his wife I feel sorry for her as she's oblivious to everything! It's good when guys get marrie to girls who are compatible with there family but if that's the case don't mess another Persons daughter around just for time pass! It's disgusting!!!

    • Pray to Allah, if you have accepted islam and now are more close to Allah then He will help you, will forgive you and you will find some one who will be much better then one who left you. Allah decides better then a person himself thinks better for him/her. your story will help lot of brothers and sisters to save their lives without going through such bitter exp. one thing that i shall recommend you all as you will be parents in future, try to get married your children in age of 18-20, this is best age i think for female to get married and for male 20-25 is best,even 27 is good. getting late will create issue like you people are facing. and most important thing is, don't go behind money and beauty. if some one has good education, some source of earning like job etc and has average look is better then very beautiful, rich person but having no character and giving you no value.
      And my advice to young sisters and brothers is never fall in love too much that can destroy your life, if you like some one and are in age that you can marry ask him/her for nikah proposal and give them time to respond you with their final decision rather then loving each other, doing haram and at the end one says their family or religion is issue or some thing else and in such cases females life is destroyed much then male.

  18. I went thru ur pain.. Not similar to my story.. I was in a relation with a guy who was non Muslim but he was more than happy to convert to Islam , he even convinced his parents, but my parents kept refusing and they forcefully married me to a guy who was my fathers cousin and 10 yrs elder to me.. My boyfrrm was so depressed that he left the country, I still miss him.. And the best part of my story is I m not happy and that makes me closer to Allha.. Do lots of nafil namaz and tasbeeh every time you are sad, cry your heart out after every nimaz and u will definitely get relief from this pain.. Especially after tahajud and magrib nimaaz, asked Allha for forgiveness and relief frm ur sorrow and pain.. May Allha have mercy on ur soul.. Ameen

  19. Aslamualikum

    In the guidance of Allah . i hope your fine sorry it may be too late to response to you .......but trust me your story has touched my heart ..........i will tell you something that i hope it will help you ......sometimes its our fate that changes our future ....................when you and i plan there is a third person planning ............and he is trust me Allah the one ...................we human as per our vision can see one dimensional view and so we think what ever we plan is right and we will be happy but thats not the truth ... ALLAH, He sees in all direction even your future.. HE knows what is good for you and that person what ever it be say for 5 minutes or 10 years if its what Allah has written he is not meant for he will in one or the other way will leave from your life ...... we don't know what possibilities might come to us that are we cable to face or not ............only ALLAH KNOWS
    there are many sad stores when if you hear you might tell O Allah forgive me that i have thought my ones to be the greatest suffering. Dear sister life is a great journey in our life we meet a lot of stranger and each of such person make or changes something or something in our life.... either thank Allah for bringing such person in your life so that you have learn humans are rational thy can change their color at once with the situation ........your every test is to make you prepared for future ..........i pray to heal your heart in his love

    dear try creating yourself with new personality .........and am sure there is someone waiting for you which Allah will send to you at the right time.

    you never know you might be the bEst soldier of Allah fighting in His test with patience

  20. this post was posted here b4 2 years....may be its too late...but i wonder how all are you now..?what are you doing?..this time i am going through with same situation.....i know its all about our fate....and what happens always happens for a good reason...but can't keep control on my tears.....

    if he is not good for me..then y Allah allow to us for this relationship...and now we are separated...i dont know may be i have done something so bad that now i am going through this worse stage of my life....

    doing dua...wazifa....just to make me calm...just praying to Allah that make my heart kind to handle all dis...praying Allah for him as well that ....Allah give him all happiness he want in his life....

    Request to all of u my sister ..Please keep me in your prayers ...

    salam

    Mahzabin

    • Dear Mahzabin,

      I went through a similar situation just a few months back. I was inlove with a brother and he loved me back. We were not in a relationship nor did we ever speak. But when his brother sent a proposal we ended up in a confrontation because he was rude to me. For this reason my parents said no, the man tried for me and asked again however on the last day he said no. I was heart broken and thought how could he just change his mind? He said he can force his family but what good would that be? I felt worthless. It's been months but I can that I do not feel sad anymore. My dear sister you will get over this, it's always hard at first but you will see the light soon. Right now you'll only remember every good part of him. But remember this it takes two people for a relationship to work. If he isn't putting the hard work in he is not serious or not worthy for someone who is. You will come out this stronger, do not blame yourself thinking you are not worthy. Allah did this to test you, He wants you to remember Him.. Allah loves us more than our parents, He will do what is best for you even if we don't understand it at the time. Remember you never know someone until you live with them... So never think what if? When Allah takes someone away from you He replaces you with someone so much better.

      My sister your prayers are with me after every namaaz. Please pray for me to as I was in the same situation.

      Amnah

  21. ASAK everyone

    I am going through great pain and heart ache at the moment. I met someone almost 16 months ago. He said he would convince his mother for marriage but then his family problems came in the way. He then told me last august that I should not wait for him but I still decided to wait as I was in love with him. He became distant from me. He would only meet me if I asked and would only attend my calls when he felt like it. Though, I didn't physically force him in any of this, he continued to keep that contact. Then in December again after asking him he said he will speak to his mother. Apparently his mother wants him to marry her niece. Then at some point he told me he didn't feel like getting married, he felt no emotions etc. Then again in June 2015 he told me his mother would need looking after and if I was ready for that commitment. I told him I didn't have any problems with it. Now again, he's told me his mother doesn't agree and that he will not be raising this subject again and he has no immediate marriage plans.

    In all this journey, I remained patient when he was very rude and horrible towards me. I have tried and tried to convince him but he doesn't want to know. I feel suspicious he may be involved with someone else and confronted him about it more than once. He convinced me that it wasn't the case but just yesterday he totally blew up on me. I have reasons for my suspicions. He isn't transparent with me which gave me reason to suspect.

    In short, I completely devastated. Don't know what to do. I pray salah and cry asking Allah to make him realise and soften his heart. Reading all the stories above I see I am not the only one who has been left alone after empty promises. I have had bad experiences in the past too and Im just tired of this continuing cycle of pain. All I want is marriage with him. I trusted him and now feel he thought nothing of me

  22. Salam all,
    I know it is old story. But how you think about it now?
    Similar things happened with me 2 years ago, and I'm still not over it.
    We married. I converted before long . His family (mine too) approved. just year into our marriage he married someone from his tribe behinde my back and managed to hide for year and half with the knowledge of whole his family.....

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