Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I manage my sister’s confession?

Being the older sister, my younger sister just came forth and told me she lost her virginity... what am I supposed to do?

I can't let my parents find out because my brother or my parents will kill her and I don't know how to handle this situation on my own...

I feel shame and as though a deceiving my parents for not telling them but I know I can't tell them because they are strict muslims.

- muslim89


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21 Responses »

  1. First of all u should be a little strict on ur sister and tell here to repent on her sin

    And by the way did she lose here virginity by a sexual intercourse or something else

    I don't think u should tell ur parents that y ur sister has told u about this

    Finally be a very strict , on your sister so she repent truly and doesn't commit sin again

    • The only way to lose your virginity is by intercourse! Yes just make sure she understands what she did was wrong, it was a bad decision and she should repent. There's no need to get your parents involved. What's done is done, the best thing you can do is help her so she won't do it again.

    • Salaam. Just a point to clear. The only way to lose your virginity is through sexual intercourse. You cannot lose it through other means. Sexual activity in the absence of sexual intercourse is of course a huge sin, but doesnt constitute loss of virginity. Also using tampons or doing anything which can break the hymen (sports can break it) doesn't break virginity.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salam Sara ,

        Just a question what if a girl broke her hymen through sexual activity but not sexual intercourse does that mean she is not a virgin ?

        Thanks for your time :)

        • To the best of my knowledge: she is a virgin unless she has had intercourse. If it is through other sexual activity she is still a virgin but may not be fully 'chaste'. And Allah knows best.

          Sara
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. She made a big mistake. But Allah will inshallah forgive her if she repents. She probably feels very ashamed and afraid. If you are afraid of her safety then protect her honor and guide her. We all make mistakes. Help lead her. May Allah forgive her and give you the strength to forgive her aswell. And... Help her forgive herself so that self hatred does not lead to further sinning.

  3. sister sarahl

    But if the hymen breaks its also then also a women is consider to loose her virginity is it?

    • No she hasn't. How can it be? It is a myth. Sorry if I got frustrated. I am a Scientist so I hate to see wrong facts being spread. Plenty of virgins have broken hymens. Some girls are born without a hymen at all! So those people testing their wives virginity on their wedding night are seriously mistaken!
      Only sexual intercourse breaks virginity. This link will tell you more:

      http://www.islamicgarden.com/mythhymen.html

      • i really need help aswell!! you see i was ( and still am) quite felxible, i used too do the splits and gymnastics and all sorts when i was young, but one day i found some blood on my underwear (i hadn't started my cycle because i was only 7, and sorry if i say anything offensive) and i think i ripped my hymen back then, im going too be married in a few months and i think they're going to do the old showing of the bloody bedsheets too show virginity thing, i dont know what too do because death might be my punishment for something i havent done?!

  4. Salaam this is a tough situation.

    Your sister has committed a grave sin. But I think your best move is to try not to panic or go crazy at her. So do not tell your parents. She needs to realise the gravity of her sin. Speak to her, find out why she did? With who? Did she use protection? Could she be pregnant or have an STI? First help her if the last 2 are applicable. If she is pregnant she will have to come clean. I pray that she doesnt have such problems. Find out about the guy? Has she been with him for long? Does she feel she loves him etc.

    Its important to listen to her and be understanding, because you want her to listen to you. Once you have got as much info as you can get you need to make her realise how wrong it is what she has done. How keeping boyfriends is wrong and why its wrong. Explain to her the beauty of marriage, and of sex in marriage. Explain how the media and peer pressure says that its cool to have pre-marital sex and relationships but it can cause ,many problems, like loss of honour, dignity, pregnancy before you are ready, diseases, the list goes on. The worst of course is earning the anger of Allah.

    Are there any good halakas or sister circles she can go to? Preferably some inspiring ones, she needs to connect with her deen. Encourage her to make sincere tawbah and stop seeing this guy. If she does not pray, encourage her to start praying her fardh (obligatory prayers) and read Qur'an each day. Even if it just half a page she should do it. Again do not force the issue. You need to get through to her make her realise. Its a bit like spoonfeeding - wait till she accepts one thing and then give her the next. So she first needs to realise the gravity of her sin before repenting and expecting her to move on. It is a hard road and it will take some time to get through to her but persevere.Also encourage her to spend time with good Muslim girls. If she does maybe take them out somewhere (halal of course.)

    Ideally it would be good if there was an article. I dont have time to look for one now as I have to head out soon but InshaAllah later I will have a look to see if there is something which could help you.

    Sara
    IslamicaNswers.com Editor

  5. Salaam sister,

    I just would like to add that be close to her and comfort her. ITs not a jock to lose virginity, if it was through intercourse. when you are married and lose it then , you become shaken for a week or too, let alone this kid is alone and out side her home. GOD know where . Give her proper lecture, teenage do things without calculating the consequence.

    1---tell her She should repent and never do it again, because its a big sin, and it will damage her reputation through out her life, and could ruine her future marriege.

    2--Tell her there are lots of male jockers who do this for fun, it is her responsibility to protect her self, toLLOVE HER SELF , TO BE STRICT with any jockers who approach her and to be a GOOD example.

    3--A guy with good intention will NEVER DO this to you, this person want to ruine your life, its up to you to STOP OR ALLOW him.

    4--Ask gently who the guy was and DONT tell your PARENT, IF you can approach the guy on the phone or personally and tell him, i know what you have done to my sister, you do it again, i am telling my parents and i am comming myself to tell yours (THIS IS A THREAT). HE NEED TO BE THREATEN< BECAUSE PROBABLY HE WOULD THINK YOUR SISTER WILL NOT TELL ANY ONE. HE WILL PROBABLY MIGHT ARRANGE ANOTHER EPISODE IF NO ONE THREAT HIM.
    YOU could educate your sister, but unless his being put straight, he will keep approaching and chessing your sister.

    5-- Be strong for your sister, she need proper guidance now, and tell her i am here to help you, you would not appriciate now that i am helping you, but after this boy run away and you get married with some one else who teese you every day for the past mistake you have done, it is not a jock you will cry.

    6-- Tell some mistake there easy to get over, but these ones you will cry for the rest of your life to erase them from history and you will not be able to. So think wise what ever you do. It like writing with pen, you know you have made a mistake, you want to rectify but you cant.

    AMNA

  6. salam sis
    from my point of view if shez not a vergin u jst ask her as to whom she had lost her verginity is it a muslim if yes the best way to save her frm haram is to marry her to the same person so that she is saved frm zina either convince ur parents to marry her to him

    • taz, marrying the person with whom one committed zinaa, does not cancel out the sin or remove it.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I don't understand where people get such stupid idea's from. Sorry if I'm being offensive taz but that's just ridiculous. Some one had said this to me before that lets just get married and all of our previous sins will get canceled etc. I just left the place there and then because I dislike stupidity.

        Plus marrying the one you committed zina with before marriage might damage the marriage later on. As her in-laws might hate her and might taunt her etc.

        Best she can do is repent and repent.

        • she has to repent thats true its my point of view i gave n its left to u whether 2 take this stupid idea or not
          zina is haram n only repentance can save i knw
          by the way y vill she say these things to her inlaws ?

        • Cupcake, you are free to disagree, but be polite.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • but atleast it will not make her feel guilty when she marries someother person

        • Sorry for being impolite but when I read your post taz, it just reminded me of someone whom I dislike and it made me burst out.

          What I meant when I said that she might be hated by her in-laws is that I've seen this happen many times to people who I know and they never managed to live happily with their in-laws because of the marriage being with someone of their own choice.

          If you read the post it says that her parents are strict muslims so they will defiantly not let her marry someone like that. well again that's my point of view.

          I totally understand what you mean when you say that it won't make her feel guilty. It's true. :)

  7. AS We should all emphasize that there was a mistake made and that the girl should do TAWBAH. It actually goes against Islamic tradition to reveal a sin to anyone and ask for TAWBAH except to Allah SWT.

    I find it a little troubling that a lot of Muslims have simply accepted and propogate the "Western" moral of zinaa...that being only from sexual penetration. Zina could be an intentional bad gaze at the opposite sex and is an intentional non-mahram sexual advance which we act upon. It is simply NOT having sex. Some zina is worse than other, but we have to realize that zina encompasses all the stages that led this girl to that point. So whether its lowering your gaze at the grocery line of a supermodel or at work, you avoid zina.

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