Marriage after Zina
Asalam my dear brother and sister.
I have committed Zina with the man I had been in a relationship with for two years. I have repented since then, and he has also. My family found out, and they have forgiven me for my shameful act. However, they have hatred towards the man, and my mother is at a point where she says she won't forgive him ever.
I had cut off all types of communication with the man until two weeks ago, when his eldest sister contacted me and begged me to speak with him and her. He has plans to go ask for forgiveness from my father and ask for my hand in marriage. But my father has told me before that he won't accept him.
Today my mother told me of her plans to get me married to a first cousin of mine who is about 9 years older than me. At this information my heart dropped, because I don't know if my parents are able to wed me off with out my permission, since I'm not a virgin. I know that a woman who has committed Zina has to marry a man who has committed Zina also. So isn't the right thing for them to let me marry the man who I have committed a sin with?
His family is not aware of the great sin we committed, but they do welcome me with open arms. My parents have said he comes from a good family and they have nothing against them, so it isn't his family that is the problem. My mother told me that also because of his financial status she isn't pleased. He is a student and works part time. My father told me once if he went to school he would let us get married, but now he has changed his mind.
I'm 19 and I know that marriage isn't the first thing that should be on my mind, but I believe it's the best option for me right now. I don't want to fall into more zina, and I know this man is reliable and will take good care of me. So I don't see the problem with my parents refusing- he doesn't drink and quit smoking over a year ago. He tries to be a better muslim and please Allah SWT.
I know that I don't have to marry this exact man, but my mother has refused any other potential spouse. She says the only man she will accept me to marry is my cousin. She believes that if my husband found out I wasn't a virgin, he would verbally abuse me or leave me. I am in a very distraught point right now, and I know I deserve it.
Please give me your sincerest advice. I have already and still am repenting. I have cried to Allah SWT and I have prayed countless of times with my daily prayers so that I can increase my good deeds. So please help me figure out a way that would be pleasing to my parents for me to get married with this man, and if not this man, in the future with another potential spouse.
-fatima.bahrani
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Most men probably have no clue hw virgin looks if they don't have experience with girl
plus u cn try hiding ur self first night saying ur embarrassed in light etc.
Yes just forget about what happen and move on.... ignore it after you have sincerely repented.
After making sincere repentance, you are as pure as before committing the zina.. so you can marry any man
How com everybody knows about it by the way, .... Never talk about it to any one after this, not even your mom
Hope this helps
If you like that man and believe he will make a better husband just try being stong on this. and work and get help to convince ur dad... do ur istikhara to..
but go fr the one who would be best islamically and fr
Assalaamualaikam
You have a right to agree or disagree with any marriage proposal - this is an Islamic right that you can insist upon. Yes, you have sinned by committing zina, but that doesn't nullify your rights when it comes to this matter. Nobody has the right to marry you off without your consent.
Take some time to think about whether your cousin would be a suitable husband - is he practising, of good character, etc? - and whether you want to marry him. If your decision is that you don't want to marry him, then stand by that. You might want to enlist the help of an imam to emphasise that this is your right according to Islam.
InshaAllah, you and the guy with whom you committed zina have both repented and made changes so that you are observing Islamic boundaries. If that isn't the case, then it's important to address this - he isn't your mahram, so you shouldn't be alone with him or crossing any other limits. If this guy is repentant, practising and of otherwise good character, then you could speak with your parents again and encourage them to consider his proposal. Given what has happened between you both, he may not be your parents' favourite person, but he can always try.
You mention that a woman who has committed zina has to marry a man who has committed zina. My interpretation has been that this is intended to support people rather than punish them. It can be difficult for people to put themselves in others' situations and understand how it feels. So, it may help for people to have a spouse who has lived with a similar experience - there may be less fear of judgement or criticism, less chance of past mistakes being held against someone, less of a feeling of "I don't deserve this person", etc.
With regards a future husband finding out that you aren't a virgin, the only way he'll know is if you tell him. There's actually no way for a man to tell whether a woman is a virgin or not unless she tells him. Not all virgins bleed at the first time, not all virgins have an intact hymen, etc. What you might want to do, though, is when you are considering a proposal in the future, think about whether the guy is clearly looking for a virgin. If this is a deal-breaker for him (that is, he'd only consider marrying a virgin and wouldn't want to marry a woman who was not a virgin), then you can sensitively decline the proposal (without saying that's why) and the two of you could go and look for spouses that meet your criteria.
Before making any big decisions, pray istikhara - trust that Allah will guide you to the right choices. If you feel that you are in danger or at risk of being forced into an unwanted marriage, go to either the authorities (if it is safe to do so!) or a women's charity.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I honestly think if you love your first choice marry him. Your parents cant control you forever. You need to stand your ground and do whats right for you. Yes you made a mistake you still deserve to be happy. May Allah grant your wishes dua's inshAllah.
As Salaam Alaikum,
May Allah grant you a path that holds khair. Its your right to reject a proposal, but at the same time remember your wali (your father also has a right to reject someone, as long as it isnt an unislamic rejection). So, make istikhara, maybe this cousin is good for you or maybe bad, and Allah will make the right thing happen. If you do not consider that first cousin of your will keep you happy then you can reject it. Instead of pure emotions consider which one of the two are better in Deen (doesnt just include if they pray, fast, have gone for Hajj and give Zakat but their relationship with parents, friends, siblings, peers and overall attitude).
Coming to your statement "Someone who did Zina has to marry other person who did Zina as well", it is your misunderstanding from the ayat in Surah Noor in the Quran Ayat 26
" [In the nature of things,] corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men, for corrupt women - just as good women are for good men, and good men, for good women."
I am not a scholar but I have learned about this ayat in some of the lectures including Tafseer of this surah and you can also look it up in the Tafseer of Ibn Katheer (May Allah have mercy upon him). It implies to those who are corrupt or in a state of Kufr, anyone who has sought sincere repentance, after the forgiveness from Allah, it will be like they have never committed that sin. So, nowhere does it say that you only have to marry someone who has also done Zina, especially if you have repented and continue to repent and seek the pleasure of Allah.
May Allah guide you my sister, its a tough world and we do face fitna, so seek refuge in Allah from anything that can take us away from Islam and ask the guidance of Allah to anything that will keep us steadfast to Islam. Also, keep your sin of Zina and you do not need to mention it to anyone, you dont lie either you just dont answer.
Abdullah
Great advice, Maa shaa Allah.