Marriage in conflict and leading to divorce. I need to make a decision…
I am married to my husband for 2 years now. However, we have stayed together for only 1 month after which I went abroad for studies. I live abroad with my parents. To cut long story in short, our marriage is in trouble. The situation is such that decision about divorce is on the way.
My husband, and I would have fight over silly issues which has grown larger than the matter itself is. He is insecure, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't support or understand me. When he is angry, he would use abusive language and insult me about my character (false accusations raised from insecurities). He would misbehave so much that it becomes impossible to communicate and tolerate him at times.
Our marriage was a love marriage and it was hard to manage my parents. But, eventually, they agreed and we got married. But now due to fighting and such tensions, mostly because he started asking for divorce. He would ask divorce for anything. However, we both know its out of anger and he didn't mean it. But my parents know about it.
He someway disrespected my parents too. Worse than that, he started taking drugs, smoking and drinking. He is doing all these out of anger, frustration and attention. He recently also left job. He is degrading mentally and unstable. Now, my parents believe he is not right for me and we should divorce. I can't blame them for saying this. At times, he was so angry that he has threatened me of doing wrong with me and punish me. But, he doesn't want divorce nor his family. We both still love each other but it is also true that he is disrespectful to me and he is unstable. He doesn't pray either.
I don't wanna be emotional and take wrong decision. This is happening for 1.5 years. I need to take a decision. But, I get emotional, because he said he will suicide. I feel so inhuman to leave him but Life can't go on like this. Help me please.Advice me what to do.
Ayeshakhan
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Dear sister,Divorce is the worst thing for a couple and disliked by Allah and our messenger pbuh.Saitan's glory is when divorce happens any ways yours is very simple problem you people live together and not necessarily with in laws(except you agreed b4 nikah for this) and try to live life a/c to sunnah read more hadith on loving each other and making love etc for which you will be rewarded, be honest and truthful to each other do practice this.Staying away for you there is studies to keep busy but for him ????? he will have his own practical problems too... try to stay together and lead a happy life... every other couple right from first month will have problems ..its love and mercy that keeps the couple glued up and children will definitely add value to your relation...remember studies degrees jobs money is nothing compared to your spouse and family life....I am not yet married but this is what I have been seeing my cousins leads at office etc from engagement till they had kids...
Both together Seek for guidance from Allah SWT and rescue from shaitan.....do not just argue with him on phone or skype go face to face and in his arms it will be different ... Allah Hafiz..
Why don't you live togather? How long you were in love before you married him?
If you are aware that you fight over silly issues, why don't you two stop fighting.
Why can't your husband come live with you?
Do you think you can easily find another man to marry you?
Your husband seems to have psychological problems that needs to be resolved?
Why do I thin you no longer are attarcted to each other?
Did you notice that your husband was insecure and had anger problem before marriage?
Did he smoke, use drugs and drink before you got married?
Your husband's reaction is not rational, instinctive however very normal reaction after nearly 2 years of not being with a woman.
The electricity between man and woman discharges normally by sleeping together. If you both are charged of course it is not expected for you to have rational discussion.
If you want to save your marriage and if you love your husband you (both) need to be together. If you chose your carrier over your husband as I said there is no easy way for you to have conversation without discussion because of thousands volts of electricity, eventhough conductivity of wires, wich can not discharge by phone calls..
Quota:
Your husband's reaction is not rational, instinctive however very normal reaction after nearly 2 years of not being with a woman.
except he started drug and drink?
wooow I am sorry I missed that part before. Your husband seems has very big issues. And it is your choice to be with him and help him to find the true way with your or let him go...
Assalaamualaikam
When we commit to sharing our life with another person, we need to try to stand by them and support them through the hard times as well as the good times. This doesn't mean we let them walk all over us or abuse us, though.
It seems that your husband is struggling with many aspects of his life - taking drugs, disrespecting his wife and in-laws, not praying, leaving his career, emotional instability... He may be aware that his current life is far from what it should be, but maybe he doesn't know how to get things back on track?
It might help to speak with him about your concerns, and suggest that he seeks professional help to deal with his addictions and anger issues. The two of you could consider marriage counselling (with a counsellor who knows about Islam), to work on how you both communicate with each other, as well. Also, it might help for the two families to be involved and be aware of what is going on - if your parents and his are able to discuss the issue, it may be that they can help with advice and mediation?
Personally, I would be quite clear with him that while you want to support him and help him, there are things which he must commit to if he wishes to keep you in his life: seek professional help for his addictions and psychological issues; start attending his local mosque, praying and practising Islam in his daily life; deciding what he wants to do career-wise (he could find a new job, or study for higher qualifications?); treating you and your family with respect and apologising for his previous behaviour; and discussing ways in which the two of you can live closer together.
Before making a final decision about divorce, I'd advise you to pray istikhara, and trust in Allah to guide you to what is best. Even if your husband is threatening to harm himself, he is unlikely to actually follow through on these threats - many people who make such threats have no intention of acting on them. If he were to do something to harm himself, then he alone is responsible for that - you are not responsible for his actions. What you could do if he threatened to harm himself, would be to give him the contact number for a local support service (eg. Samaritans) or if you believe he is at risk of harming himself, you could call the emergency services to attend his address. I'd also suggest that if he is making such threats, it's important for his family to be aware - they can then support both of you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum Sister,
From what I understand, you are not living with your husband as you are studying abroad (and live with your parents).
I do not think that a responsible man should start taking drugs and quit his job--and rushing back to him isn't going to solve the problem.
I am on board with Sister Midnightmoon in that you should communicate clearly with your husband, go for counselling (with a Muslim professional) and pray Isthikhara before making any big decision.
It is very important to find the reason for his behaviour--and also to be clear that you will not tolerate abuse, but are willing to take the necessary steps (like counselling) to resolve the issues like two mature and loving spouses.
May Allah guide your husband and increase the love and respect in both of your hearts for one another, Ameen. May Allah ease your difficulties and bring joy into your marriage, Ameen.
Divorce is indeed one of the most hateful things in the sight of Allah and our Holy Prophet Muhammad PBUH, and as such, is not a step that should be take lightly. Rather, it should be considered only as a a last resort.
The husband-wife relationship can be a rather tenebrous affair at times, being subject to its ups and downs. But that in no way is an implication that the problems go unresolved. Given your situation, it is imperative that you sit down and discuss all these issues with him in all possible earnest.
Its visible he's suffering from anger issues, and you taking the matter to your parents will do nothing more or less than worsen it, especially if they confront him with the problems you shared with them .
I am in no way suggesting that you tolerate whatever he does with you. But being a wife, it is your duty to be understanding and approach the situation with sensitivity.
However, all relationships that go downhill don't see the light, and as such, this sort of case scenario should not be overlooked. I MEAN, HOW MANY TIMES DO OUR WOMEN ENDURE THE INITIAL HARDSHIPS AND DOWNS WITH FORTITUDE, ONLY TO REALIZE WHEN THEY ARE TOO OLD, THAT WHAT THEY DID WAS UTTERLY WRONG??
THAT IS INDEED A SAD SITUATION.
I therefore urge you not to take any rash and hasty decisions. It is required that you dwell on the matter, and consider the alternatives, while not only realizing your duty as a wife, but also your birth right to a peaceful and happy life.
Asalam0Alaikum
as yew have said itz ya l0ve marriage i thnk yew shud try to save ya marriage ..div0rce z the w0rst thng which cud hapen to a couple plz try to undrstand him he loves yew a lot..hez acting like a child ..and itz n your hand to save him and ya marriage..