Can I get married without the knowledge of my father?
Rasool (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: 'Marriage without Wali is invalid, invalid, invalid!'
Assalamu alaikum
I am a 24 yr old woman. I have chosen a man for marriage and he has chosen me too. He is currently jobless but has little income with which he can support me and the family, if we get married. I am absolutely satisfied with his income and would love to be married to him right away.
However, when I told my parents about this, they agreed to our marriage but said he must get a good job, then they will marry me off. Then we decided to have our parents talk about us. My father said he will talk about it with his father but not meet his father now because he now does not have a job. It is rude to talk on the phone and tell the boy's father that we agree on the relationship but the boy must get a job first. If the same thing is said after a family meeting it is okay then.
So, I requested my father to meet his father then make this decision. I should tell, me and my parents have searched wide for a spouse before and there has been several meeting with many prospective groom's family. I have been rejected by all those before.
My father didnt agree to meet his father; rather he was adamant that he will meet after the boy gets a job but now he can talk on the phone. He wouldnt listen to me at all. He got so aggressive he hit me and went all violent. I was devastated. All my life I have been trying to satisfy them. Live up to their demanding expectations, now he won't even do this simple thing for my happiness but hit me when I asked him to. It is unbearable for me to see his face. I hate this man who is very unfortunately my father.
It has been a while since that incident. I feel torture to be living under the authority of my father. I really want to marry this man right away.
Now I want to ask is it possible under these situations to marry him without my father's permission?
~ human
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My Dear Sister Human,
There is no excuse for your father's actions in getting so violent and striking you. From what you have said, it was completely unjustified, and not the actions of a pious Muslim. There are many cultural factors in such interactions that are not based in Islam, but instead in age old (and often haraam) traditions. He may have interpreted your words as an insult to him and to his role as head of the home. This does not justify it in any way. However, understanding the true root of his anger may help you to avoid it in the future.
I am saddened that a Muslim brother would behave in such a fashion. Shaytaan may have his ear, and blinded him to the truth in this area. Allah will, undoubtedly, treat him justly on the day of judgement. Insha'Allah he will not repeat this abhorrent behavior. However, you must also protect yourself from being seriously injured.
Please pray to Allah for guidance. Maybe your mother, or a pious sister could provide assistance. Remember, however, that Allah has provided wise guidance that your father or wali should help in guiding you to the correct husband. This is because Shaytaan may also be clouding your judgement. An elder man in your family or a Imam at your masjid may serve as your wali. This should be a last resort and only taken if they agree your father is being unreasonable in his stance. If they agree with your father, you must act to please Allah and either wait for your potential husband to find a job, or find another suitor.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor.
Sister,
I am going to ask you a question and I want you to ponder it well. If you had a daughter, would you yourself agree to marry her to a man who has no job? What will he feed her with? Where will they live? What about electric and running water? What about clothing and everyday necessities she will need? Do you think his love for her will afford either one of them the most basic of needs? The answer is no. This man who asks for your hand has no job thus can offer you absolutely nothing other than his love. Love does not pay the bills unfortunately. Although I will never condone the behavior of your father hitting you, I do not feel his request that this brother have a job in place is such a horrible thing. It is only out of your fathers love for you that he is not willing to hand you over knowing that this man has nothing to offer you. Your father and mother have raised you from a small child into the woman you are today. Surely you can understand your fathers hesitancy? If this man really wants you as a wife, he can and will find a job. You may not like your father very much right now but of one thing I can assure you...one day you will understand that his love for you is endless and you mean the world to him. If a brother came to ask for one of my daughters and he didn't have a job, I can assure you...he would be wasting his time. To allow for such an arrangement would never be in their best interest and I can assure you, it is not in yours.
Salam
As Salamualaikum,
I agree with sister Najah. Your father maybe insecure about the man being jobless. His action is the translation of this feeling and his impatience.
Islam does not advise one to be violent. But sister, do not hate you father. He wants your good and he wants to see you with a person who could take care of your needs. This man does not seem to meet his expectations. This is why he has ruled him out.
If this man wishes to marry you, he should prove himself to your father and then ask for you in Nikah. The father should then agree insha Allah. Otherwise, your father won't like it that his daughter suffers after getting married. He is much older than you and has seen life better than you have.
Brother American Muslim has mentioned a beautiful point above: Shaytaan may also be clouding your
judgement
Your father probably tried telling you, but when you were stubborn, he lost his patience. Not advisable for a Muslim to do so though, but you must understand and respect his decision. This is for your own benefit.
Let your father ask him when he gets a job and how stable he is on it. None can decide anyone's Rizq, but precaution is something Islam allows.
Forgive your father for his behavior and try to be kind and humble to him. He won't repeat this then, insha Allah.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The short answer is no, as your father is your Walee and no marriage is valid without a Walee, this is not particularly possible in your case. Consider the insult to your family, if you went and snuck and got married.
In addition any real Imaam would inquire as to why your father was absent and simply not perform the Nikah.
This is a test from Allaah upon you and you suitor as to whether you will do the easy (and obviously incorrect) action or the difficult (yet obviously correct) action which is to slow down, and practice patience in this situation.
Ultimately this is not something you would want to do Islaamicly speaking and out of respect for all involved: your family, his family, and your new family.
You should be patient with your father on this issue as an absence of it will certainly result in disaster. If he feels you are pressuring him or demanding him to give his blessing, this may make him more committed not to "give u what you want when u want it" argument.... ; and from history I'm sure you know how that usually ends, when the parent does not want to give in to the damands of "the child" (as they see it).
If this brother is sincere he will advise you to be patient, and he too will be patient, and by this expression of virtue maybe your father will be convinced, but until you have shown that this isn't just a emotional tantrum or hasty decision, he will remain UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE SITUATION. And worst than that he will simply begin disliking your suitor.
Allaah will bless sincerity, and patience is an expression of sincerity and long term commitment which is necessary to make a relationship work.
And Allaah Knows Best,
Amir
Brother Amir,
I completly agree that patience is very apprpriate and the correct course.
However, her father could become violent again. That is not acceptable. I also agree that it is likely a Wali would defer to her father in most situations. However, we do not know the entire situation. Enlisting the help of her mother, a sister, should come first. As as last resort an imam, can step in, and and act as a wali if the situation warrants it. And the Wali could come to the same conclusion as her father, and forbid the marriage until the suitor finds work. But we would not use physical violence in delivering this message.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com
my father got us married sacrificing his honour in the society. Now my husband is studing and we are always fighting. After one year I have come to realize that my father and mother were always right and tolerant with me. Basically I never respected them and have always been the problem of their lives. Their lives and world would have been the happiest without me. I realize that after one year. My father is a very patient man but with me he lost his patient and after that he became very soft. However I was then rude to him and am still now.
I pray Allah corrects me.
Sister
You can pray for Allah to correct you. However, you know what is right. You have the power to correct yourself. For example, if you were about to trip because there was a stick across your path, you would not stop and pray to Allah to move the stick. Instead you would move that stick yourself! You must to everything in your power to stay on your path, and ask Allah for his support in those things outside of your control.
Also, remember that Allah is The Forgiver. He will forgive you for your mistakes if you go to Him with true repentance and remorse, and firm resolve not to repeat them.
Your father loves you and always will. Do what you can to mend your relationship with him. Also honor your mother. They can be a great resource for you, and Allah can give you strength through them. Do what you can to show them you are more pious, and to mend your relationship with them. It is important.
My sister, during this blessed month, you can change your life for the better. Keep your eyes on your path and keep the love of Allah in your heart.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaikum
Thank you everyone for your advice. It has been a few months since that incident. My father seems to have soften down a bit. I do not hate him like I did when he treated me so cruelly. However I still feel suffocated being under his authority. My mother has been very supportive of me, she has talked with this boy. She said to him that when he finds a job they will marry me to him.
The person I want to marry has been trying and studying really hard to find a good job. I pray and ask everyone to pray to Allah that he gets a really good job. I guess now the only thing for us to do is be patient and ask Allah for mercy. I wanted to know if it was in any way possible to get married to him without my father's knowledge but I now know I cant do that.
I am writing today with a lot of grief. I have ruined everything, I have disobeyed Allah and I have hurt this man a lot. We did get married in a quadi office but then I couldn't accept this marriage as halal and then I hurt him very badly. I don't know what to do. He honors the marriage as real. But I dont know what I did, I nor obeyed Allah nor did I respect this man's feeling and ended up destroying everything. I cant write to express all my feelings properly but I need help. Please what can I do now?
Sister, what happened?
Did you say that you don't accept the Nikah? Did you have your Wali with you? If you give us details clearly, perhaps we can help you choose the correct road.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
jazakallahu khair brother
As I have said before my father cannot get me married to him until he gets a job. However I couldn't control my feelings towards him and failed terribly. The whole period he was in deep frustration and couldn't concentrate on his studies. This was very hard on our relationship and I didn't want to lose him. So, I agreed to get married in the quadi office, thinking it will ease the tension between us but I just didnt accept this marriage as real. I just did it for the sake of some peace between us. This caused even more problem between us as to him this is a real marriage but I know it is not halal. He is now suffering both mentally and physically and I am completely lost about both my hereafter and this world.
The quadi who got us married did it in a haphazard way, we had only one witness, who is a friend of the boy. I didn't bother because to me it was just a way to get the tension off. Now I am causing even further problem to him as his physical needs is harming him. I think man get harmed in this way. I have caused him more harm trying to get him relaxed. My parents are not in a situation to even think of getting us married now, and I am continuously harming this boy. I need help to know what I should do now?
I'm surprised to hear about such a Qaadhi. How could he accept to do your Nikah when there was only one witness and you had no Wali accompanied?
Per me, this Nikah is invalid to the face of it. You should stop contacting this guy which in correct in the Shar'i way, and it will avoid making him further depressed and anxious. This could effect him emotionally and mentally.
This is what love outside the boundaries of Sharee'ah does. Considering that the damage is happening already, you should tell him once and for all that you wish to support him, but legally (per the Sharee'ah) and your relationship will be valid if you do a Nikah with all its conditions in place, and also that he needs to prove himself in order to convince your father.
This should be your last time talking to him before he stands on his feet.
Asking him to find a job could also act as a motivator which will make him actively look for opportunities. But remember that you should never marry him if he is not good in Deen, which will take you away from Allah. Love could even bd from the Shaitaan in order to lead you astray, be careful.
I know it is very difficult, but I see no other way, sister. And I need not say that your father is still right. A good job and a good home are reasonable expectations.
You can pray to Allah in seclusion in order to feel at peace and lighten your burden. In sha Allah, it will help.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I understand what happened is wrong, and this man is very religious himself that's why he arranged this marriage. He is really going through a very hard time and getting stress both mentally and physically. I get very upset about his condition and feel strongly how much we are in need of a halal marriage. Please pray for this man, I am causing him tremendous trouble both emotionally and physically. I really love him and want to be with him as his wife for both the worlds. I know its my fault and I have caused all these problems. At this stage it is very difficult to do the right thing and I ask everyone to pray that I can do this.
In sha Allah, you are strong enough to do it.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
assalamu alaikum
I am writing again for help! We have been trying to stop contact in the last few days and alhamdulillah we are not in contact as much as before. However it is extremely difficult for both of us specially him. He is away from his family and his family never comes to visit because here they dont have a place to stay. He goes to home very rarely like once a year because he is very busy with interviews and studies. He lives alone in a sublet and spends most of his time in the library. I am the only one whom he can talk freely to and it refreshes his mind. He loves me and I do love him too and if it was possible for us to be married in the halal way that would have saved our lives.
However I am not saying that my parents are asking too much but it is not in Islam that one man is judged to be worthy of marriage through his job. As I have mentioned before he can support me and the future family financially. If we can be married now it will help him more to focus on study and get a job quicker.Otherwise he has to fight alone and without anyone to talk to. I miss him and he misses me too. I want to ask what should he do now?
Sis,
Your parents have not denied you this brother, on the contrary...they just want the man to hold a job. A job gives you and your husband to be security. How much longer does he have till he finishes his studies?
Salam
he has finished his studies but now he is too busy studying for the selection exams of different jobs. It is a hectic process. I want to ask what advice to give him, considering his condition.
Sister human
I know it all seems so hectic and stressful right now. You must have patience.
I suggest you print out some excepts from the Qu'ran and read them when you get stressed. Maybe you can print out a copy for your possible future husband and have your mother deliver it to him. Here are some examples:
[21:37] Man is a creature of haste...
[3:200] O you who believe! Endure and be patient
[2:155] And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to the patient ones
[65:2-3] And whoever fears Allah keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out of every difficulty. And He will provide him from sources he could never imagine. And whosoever put his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.
Be patient, my sister.
AmericanMuslim
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
jazakallahu khair
pray for me so that I can do the right thing and pray for us that Allah may make us each other's husband and wife in this world and also through eternity. All the advices are very very helpful. This is the only place where I was able to discuss this matter, I have friends but discussing every detail with them is not always possible.
Sister,
AmericanMuslim said it best...patience is the key to your situation.
Salam
Assalamu alaikum
I have a new question regarding the situation. Please if someone can answer me in the light of Qu'ran and sunnah I will be very relieved. I want to send this man some money because he needs it and previously with the marriage done in the quadi office, he had to give away a lot of money. Now I want to ask can I transfer some money to his bank account without seeing him? Is it allowed? Please somebody answer me!