We’re married but don’t live together and he doesn’t take care of me
Salaama Aleikum everyone,
I have been engaged for 2 years. We don't live together because we are planning to have a wedding and then move in even though Islamically we are married together.
The problem is that since we don't live together he feels no responsibilities towards me. so he doesn’t take care of me, doesn’t take care of my bills, he doesn’t even offer anything and when asked he says okay but never does it.
Prior to marriage he sometimes used to give me some cash and when I sometimes asked him, he gives more but now that we are married he doesn’t offer nor does he give when asked.
I also feel he doesn’t care about me or our relationship at all because he does nothing to keep this relationship going beside a simple phone call through the day just to say hi.
When we got engaged, none of us was ready for a family or settlement because we were both students and he was not capable financially. So we decided to get engaged to avoid haraam and our families agreed and respected our decision. The plan was to move in together as soon as he finishes his studies which is about a year ago and we still didn’t move in because he keeps on saying he's not yet ready financially. So then we decided to postpone one more year which is only one month away right now and there's no sign for preparation at all.
Right now I am at the verge of leaving this relationship because it gives me nothing but worries and confusion. We love each other somehow but if he doesn’t play his role it will fall apart.
The thing that hurts the most right now is that he works and he's financially stable, Alhamdulillah but yet he doesn’t take care of me or do anything for me. He doesn’t buy me food, nor clothes nor does he pay even my phone bills, he always says okay but he never does it. So now there's this fear that if I wait until we move in together and he doesn’t change and continues to ignore everything like this and I am abandoned in his house, I feel like I will be living in hell then because I am trying so hard to be patient with him even now.
So brothers and sister, please advise me on what I should do. I wish I had my mother with me so I can share this difficult journey I am going through. I pray to Allah every time to make this relationship easy for us if we both meant to be together. But i gain more confusion each day that passes and the feeling of asking for divorce is getting stronger everyday. i am at the verge of speaking up and asking for divorce right now because i really want someone that knows their responsibilities and does it without been told. I can’t imagine life with someone i have to tell them what to do all the time. He is old enough to know his responsibilities and the role he was supposed play in this relationship but he choose to ignore it.
I talk to him about it many times in a calm and nice way. I tried to get him see the bigger picture, he understands and listens very well but he just never does it. I dont really get why he does that.
Please help me, is he really worth moving in with? what if he never changes? what if we have kids together and doesn't take care of them? what if i run out of patience then and demand divorce when it's a little too late. Am I wrong in expecting this from him? Isn’t this what a man suppose to do for his wife?
One thing i didn't mention is that even though we are married for 2 years and we live in the same country, we never had sex. We both decided not to have sex until we move in to our own house officially for our own reasons. Could it be this that's affecting him? But he never complained about us not having sex. Whenever this discussion comes up, we look forward to it but only when we move in together. I know it's haraam to refuse your husband when he asks for it but he doesn't ask for it and he agrees with me and he never said he wants it right there and then, he always says we will have it when we move in together, I hope this is okay islamically. I mean if the husband agrees with you and doesn’t give you hard time and doesn’t ask you, it is okay to my understanding.
Please be careful in your responses as my decision will be based on your answers. I don't have other families that i can talk to beside this IslamicAnswers team for the best advice.
- Amatullaah20 (Servant of Allah).
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