Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We’re married but don’t live together and he doesn’t take care of me

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Married but separate.

Salaama Aleikum everyone,

I have been engaged for 2 years. We don't live together because we are planning to have a wedding and then move in even though Islamically we are married together.

The problem is that since we don't live together he feels no responsibilities towards me. so he doesn’t take care of me, doesn’t take care of my bills, he doesn’t even offer anything and when asked he says okay but never does it.

Prior to marriage he sometimes used to give me some cash and when I sometimes asked him, he gives more but now that we are married he doesn’t offer nor does he give when asked.

I also feel he doesn’t care about me or our relationship at all because he does nothing to keep this relationship going beside a simple phone call through the day just to say hi.

When we got engaged, none of us was ready for a family or settlement because we were both students and he was not capable financially. So we decided to get engaged to avoid haraam and our families agreed and respected our decision. The plan was to move in together as soon as he finishes his studies which is about a year ago and we still didn’t move in because he keeps on saying he's not yet ready financially. So then we decided to postpone one more year which is only one month away right now and there's no sign for preparation at all.

Right now I am at the verge of leaving this relationship because it gives me nothing but worries and confusion. We love each other somehow but if he doesn’t play his role it will fall apart.

The thing that hurts the most right now is that he works and he's financially stable, Alhamdulillah but yet he doesn’t take care of me or do anything for me. He doesn’t buy me food, nor clothes nor does he pay even my phone bills, he always says okay but he never does it. So now there's this fear that if I wait until we move in together and he doesn’t change and continues to ignore everything like this and I am abandoned in his house, I feel like I will be living in hell then because I am trying so hard to be patient with him even now.

So brothers and sister, please advise me on what I should do. I wish I had my mother with me so I can share this difficult journey I am going through. I pray to Allah every time to make this relationship easy for us if we both meant to be together. But i gain more confusion each day that passes and the feeling of asking for divorce is getting stronger everyday. i am at the verge of speaking up and asking for divorce right now because i really want someone that knows their responsibilities and does it without been told. I can’t imagine life with someone i have to tell them what to do all the time. He is old enough to know his responsibilities and the role he was supposed play in this relationship but he choose to ignore it.

I talk to him about it many times in a calm and nice way. I tried to get him see the bigger picture, he understands and listens very well but he just never does it. I dont really get why he does that.

Please help me, is he really worth moving in with? what if he never changes? what if we have kids together and doesn't take care of them? what if i run out of patience then and demand divorce when it's a little too late. Am I wrong in expecting this from him? Isn’t this what a man suppose to do for his wife?

One thing i didn't mention is that even though we are married for 2 years and we live in the same country, we never had sex. We both decided not to have sex until we move in to our own house officially for our own reasons. Could it be this that's affecting him? But he never complained about us not having sex. Whenever this discussion comes up, we look forward to it but only when we move in together. I know it's haraam to refuse your husband when he asks for it but he doesn't ask for it and he agrees with me and he never said he wants it right there and then, he always says we will have it when we move in together, I hope this is okay islamically. I mean if the husband agrees with you and doesn’t give you hard time and doesn’t ask you, it is okay to my understanding.

Please be careful in your responses as my decision will be based on your answers. I don't have other families that i can talk to beside this IslamicAnswers team for the best advice.

- Amatullaah20 (Servant of Allah).


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6 Responses »

  1. Amatullah, Assalamu'alaiki,

    May Allah Help you in your situation and guide you to the best course of action.

    Firstly, it seems that your husband fears lack of money, he fears the sense of responsibility. He still feels like a bachelor. He does not realize that you are HIS responsibility.

    If all this is true, he must be made to realize and he must trust in Allah regarding the finance, because marriage brings barakah, does not decrease wealth. If this continues and the problem is not sorted, it maybe difficult for him to take care of the kids in future.

    Sister, act wisely and talk to him about this only if you are sure how to. It will be best to involve an elder in doing this. You asking him again and again to provide you may bring problems in your future relationship, though it is waajib on him to provide for you. An elder must make him understand what he must understand. He is no more a bachelor, no more a single student - he has a wife who is a part of his life. He must treat her as he treats himself.

    If he delays moving together and consummation of your marriage, then ask an elder to talk to him. If there are still delays, then ask him to either move immediately or let your go respectfully.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    sis after reading your post, i am a little confused. please can you clarify and elaborate for me, you said you are engaged for 2 years but married islamically? but it gets more confusing when you said "When we got engaged, none of us was ready for a family or settlement because we were both students and he was not capable financially. So we decided to get engaged to avoid haraam and our families agreed and respected our decision"?

    being engage and marriage are two different things. just getting engage doesnt make him your lawful husband. when a muslim gets married a nikah with witnesses and walima(marriage banquet) plus a dowry has to be paid from the groom to the bride. we are muslims and thats how we get married.

    also sis if you really married, then say you are married, no need to add engage, we are planning to have a wedding and then move in etc..

    ma salama..

    • As-salamu Alaykum,
      I agree with Ahmed that it is not clear whether you are married or engaged. If you are merely engaged, you are not married, and he is not required to support you. If you did the nikah (meaning you did the marriage contract) but have not yet consummated the marriage, I read that support during this period may depend on the customs of the culture/country you live in. This explains this point of view:

      http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-scholar/family/marital-relationships/169257.html

      I have lived in an Arab country for a while and have noticed that daughters are usually supported by their fathers during this period, until the woman goes to live with her husband. This is totally normal here.

      Some questions:

      Do you work and pay your own bills?

      If not, who is supporting you now?

      What is the prevailing custom of the country you live in?

      Is your father concerned by your husband's lack of financial support, or does he believe it is normal?

      What does your husband believe is normal/appropriate?

      Do the two of you belong to the same culture?

      I think it first needs to be established what is normal in your culture and what beliefs both you and your husband have been raised with regarding this issue. It may be that he believes he is fully within his rights to wait until the consummation of your marriage to begin supporting you. In his mind, he may be doing the smart thing because it allows him to save more money for your marriage and future life together.

      If your intention is to ask him to support you during this period, I think you need to be very specific about what you want. For example, do you want a specific monthly sum to cover your expenses? If so, be prepared to tell him what it is.

      Once you have established some understanding on this issue, you can delve into the other matters regarding when he thinks he will be ready to move in together and how the money will be managed after that. If you work, I think it is especially important to make sure you are both in agreement as to whether you will contribute to the household expenses, how much (if anything) you will contribute, etc.

      Although you can talk to him on your own, involving your father may be wise as it will show that the issue needs to be taken seriously. Throughout, look for signs of your husband's sincerity. For example, is he diligently saving a specific amount each month and working hard to do so? Or is he blowing all his extra cash on frivolities? In a lot of cultures, grooms experience a lot of pressure due to the expenses of the wedding and setting up a home. Make sure that you and your family are doing your part to minimize this pressure by not having unrealistic expectations that he will need additional time to meet, thus delaying your marriage even further.

    • i suppose being angaged she meant nikah. islamically married but not yet moved in cos traditionally some wait after the wedding party then she will go with her husband.

  3. Salams sister,
    Could it be that he feels pressured to pay for your everything and doesnt want to start assuming responsibilities and then let you down. Im not sure if you are being pushy on him about money but if so, make a conscious effort to treat him gently. And I also agree with the comments above in questioning what is your marraige status: married or engaged? If youre married you need to talk to him about working as a team instead of separate people. If you are engaged (promised to marry) then he is haram relationship for you and please do not ask him for money like a charity.
    May Allah guide you two.

  4. asalam alikum wr wb
    i know where your cummin 4rm i've bin married for 5 years when i gt married i got all the attention and straight away after a month of being married i became pregnant i was always sick and getting upset all the tym and wanted to be left on my own after i had my daughter 6months later i got pregnant again i was fed up with this pregnancy stuff, i had a boy and then we got our house and my husband doesnt care anymore it's always about him and his family he never defends us it's always his sisters aunty and uncles and his managers business that comes first we mean nothing he goes to work at 9 in the morning and comes back 9 at night or sometimes earlier it's just that when he comes into the house the house is on fire my kids are crying and i'm crying its like he brings a war at home we dont feel like a part of his life,i guess all marriages have a problem all we have to do is have patients. it's just that my brothers getting married abroad and my husband doesnt wanna travel with my family and he wanted me to choose between him or my family only cuz he gets cosy with his family and makes me feel guilty about everything and makes me cry, i chose my family i'm going with them and cuz of that were arguing constantly not that i wanna.i just want him to understand. i get bruzed someymz ppl ask me what happened there i'm just making excuses or if they get the hint i'm lyk he was joking i get bruzed easily but it kills when he hurts me. all i want is to spend tym with him and all i get is neglected i know its wrong but i'm asking for a divorce but he hurts me so much i hate him 4 it. he sez ur crying 4 ur own mistakes i accept i make mistakes but at least i admit them and feel bad about it unlike him a stoned hearted *** hole (srri) anyway i get humiliated so many tymz by him and his family.for example (his uncle sed i'll crack ur head if u dont talk) no1 can control my tongue and ur supose to talk if theres summat reason to talk about.that aint the 1st tym sum1nz sed that my mother in law put her hand to my throat and sed in da middle of da bazar TALK cuz they all gobby dont mean that the other person dont have feelings i aint telling them anything, his family chat so many rubbish all they ever want is gossip. i have to admit men dont like disccussin anything they bottle it all up and take it out when they feeling stressed its ok if he chats to his sisters and other part of his family offspring but for me its like ahhh NOTYM gotta go or he's like lemme rest i'm tired and he's watching tele i dont call that resting:S.
    ladies are zero infront of men were just slaves at least men get a reward for there work at wrk us ladies dont even get that were so damn unappericiated.
    sorry i know my story came outta the blue just wanted ppl to know how ungreatful our husbands are :' (

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