Married, but separated.. Need advice!
AsalaamuAlaykum,
I hope that you are well to who ever is reading this. I need advice on a situation I am stuck in.
I am married but my husband and I have separated, we have been married for 3-4 years and we separated after the first year of our marriage. It was an arranged marriage chosen by my parents, At the time I liked someone else which they were against but I felt maybe this proposal is from Allah and my parents wanted what was best for me.
The reason we separated was because I felt that we had no understanding between one another and All we would do was argue.. We tried many times to solve the problems with our elders involved, but it wouldn't make a difference. On my part, I honestly felt no attraction or affection towards him. We haven't spoken since and I really want to move on and get a divorce as I don't see a future with him, my parents and his have agreed on this matter but neither side is doing anything in this matter. I've tried speaking to my parents about this many times but they don't seem to do anything. I want to move on and find someone else. It has been almost 3 years and I am stuck in between all this.
My question is that could this be a sign from Allah that I'm doing the wrong thing by separating from him? Also, what advice would you give on this matter and what should I do?
JazakAllah Khayr
AsSalaamu Alaykum
ikxhn
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Salaam aleikum sister,
First of all is a sign when your parents ask you to marry the guy And you dont want They have to accept that. If you like someone else you had to do istikhara to ask allah if the persoon you liked is the one for you. I see a lot of muslims people who listen to their parents if it is about marriage. Dont do that again my sister Because of this you separed with your ex huisbrand. We Should have fear for allah not for our parents. Allah only knows with who we will end up or with who we will marry. In the quran says that you can divorse. The rules is that can try 2 times with your huisband to see if it can work,if it doenst work it means you have to separed. You can divorse three times with the Same person And if it doenst work you have to stop direct. Islam is against forcing marriage. Salaam aleikum sister
Just because you "felt" you both have an understanding you guys separated? Why is marriage starting to become a joke? Who decided to separate? Anyway, i would suggest trying to work on your marriage u havent mentioned if u have big issues or not. If the only problem is "understanding" ten i would suggest u both try to work on ur marriage keeping the elders out of it. Also, if u want a divorce so bad stop talking to your parents or his parents and talk to your husband. I. Guessing you both are mature enough to deal with your own issues.
However, marriage is a blessing there are people out here who have much worse problems than just a compatibility issue. Maybe the next marriage u go into has more problems. Arguing is normal and if u dont feel affection towards him you shouldve stayed with him for a while and let it develop. Love comes slowly adjustment takes time the first year of marriage is very hard for everyone u shouldve given it time.
Asalamoalaikum,
In this time span that you both have been separated, has either one of you missed one another or felt the desire to reconcile? I ask this because it's very important to establish if both of you even have an emotional connection left.
If either of you have minimal feelings towards one another, I highly suggest you do not end this marriage. Instead seek professional counseling and resolve your issues. If however you both feel no connection, then it's time to let go, amicably.
If your elders are not actively pursuing this matter then it's your job to do so. You can meet with an imam and request a formal meeting with your husband whereby you can request for khula. Why are you letting your life go by waiting for your elders to make decisions for you? If they wanted to, they would have long time a go. This is unfair to you both.
Before you make any major decision, I suggest you pray salat-ul-istikhara and make duaa to Allah swt to guide you on the right path and to make you satisfied with His decision.
-Helping Sister
I agree.
OP: The reason we separated was because I felt that we had no understanding between one another and All we would do was argue..
Did you ever enjoy for few hours / few days when you were with your husband? Does you husband have a good job? Does he find you attractive? You both should never argue. No one ever wins in an argument. You should let your husband win the argument.
What about the man you liked before you got married, is he still in contact with you?
You have written:
No one ever wins in an argument.
followed by
You should let your husband win the argument.
If no one ever wins in an argument, how could the husband win the argument?
Dear Sister
You are letting the river of life determine your path. Sometimes the current lands you in the right place and sometimes not.
You accepted to marry someone against your liking. That is a sign from Allah that you were too weak to swim against the current of life to reach the destination of your own liking. You were supposed to make effort to convince your parent to marry the person of your own liking.
You got separated from your husband, that is again a sign from Allah that you are still weak to swim along with your husband in the river of life after marriage.
The right thing to do is to make yourself capable of swimming along with your husband.
Arguments happen in each couple's lives and cannot be avoided. Understanding is not always possible from the beginning.
You have to make efforts to build attraction and affection. Here are some tips.
Attraction can be built by fulfilling each other's sexual desires. It needs efforts if it does not arise naturally.
Give him some surprise party, gifts, poems all you can think of.
Affection can be built by spending time together or adoring each other. Helping your husband in solving his problems will win his heart and bring you guys closer.
Do not let life push you around. Instead swim towards the island(your husband) for your own's sake otherwise the current of life will land you in an open ended ocean without the possibility of rescue.