Married, pregnant and abandoned by my husband
5 months ago some peoples came for my sister rishta and they accepted, but later we get a call that they liked me and wanted my hand for their younger son. I refused because the guy was way older then me and not the handsome guy. But I went through it because I didn't want my sister to lose her rishta because of me because they were like we are bringing two rings. So my parents agreed.
After our engagement he bought me a cell phone, he wanted a private line to me. As the phone arrived, so did the trouble.
We talked on the phone day and night but he isolated himself from his family and gave me all his time. We talked for two months and the more I talked to him I started to like him. Because he seemed like such a nice guy, pure of heart.
Tension arose between the family because they didn't like me now because they thought I was taking control of their kid. They wanted to end the engagement, they called us telling us he is a fraud and so on. We ignored them, because in the beginning they said their sons were so wonderful and innocent.
He calls my dad and begs him to marry me. We agreed and also he had left home. His parents called us saying you will come begging, because he will use your daughter and when he's done he will leave her. We registered our marriage in New York because that's where he lived, and after that we had our Islamic marriage.
Me and him were very happy. Since he didn't have a place we lived in my parents home. Then he tells me he has $18,000 worth of credit card bills. I was shocked! He couldn't even give me my dower and my mom said not to do anything before.
We stayed in my parents house for a month or so. He was jobless and also he had restricted license and couldn't fnd a job. I asked him why didn't he tell us this before and he started crying and said I didn't want to lose you. And he said his parents used his credit cards when they came from Pakistan.
We overlooked it and my parents helped us financially. From A-Z. They did everything. They eventually found us an apartment and turned it into a home. Also they got him a job right around our apartment. He had a car which he sold and paid off his debts and also give me my dower which I used to buy a better bedroom set. My parents gave us their car and did everything to put him back on his feet.
He always told me he doesn't want a kid. Which I wondered why. When I got pregnant and told him the exciting news he was like "thats what usually happens when you get married" I was surprised he said that. I asked him 'your not happy'? He was like I don't want you to get sick and all and when I would be sick, he would blame this and my bodily changes on the baby.
Everything was good, no problems after that, we had our minor arguments but thats about it. Before our engagement I had a dream, that me and him are standing in the middle and our families on each side. He was trying to leave me and going to his family. I dropped and started crying. I woke up crying. But I disregarded that dream.
A few weeks ago he went to work and I went home to help my mom with Ramadan preparations. We had an argument because he wanted to go back to new York, (we're in New Jersey) at first I agreed but two day before this we went to his parents house and they treated me like shit and didn't even pretend I was there. I told him after we left and he said, "I tried to give my parents a last chance to accept you but they didn't. They didnt insult you they insulted me," and he started crying. That was that. I told him I dont want to have to do anything with them and they will not be involved with my baby. He said okay.
We had a phone conversation about me not wanting to move to New York, this conversation bothered me. So I went to sleep and when I got up after an hour I asked my sister to drop me off to my apartment. When I got there I called him and asked him to come home, he was shocked to know I was in our apartment. When he came he stood at the door, I asked him to come in, he said no. I told him I had a dream that I fell down the stairs and you just walked away while i was reaching out to you (I had changed the dream and told him). He said you don't trust me, thats why you had this dream. He was like its busy i got to go.
I went inside and went by the window, and waited for him to look at and wave bye to him(as he always looked backed) but he didnt. That troubled me. I kept calling him over an hour and then he started endings my calls. I called my parents and they came and told them wat happened. My dad was like he LEFT! I just stood there, cuz I knew he had left me here. In the conversation we had he told me I can't leave my parents. I called him again and he picked up, he asid he was going to New York to find an apartment. And claimed he didn't do anything wrong. I told him his way of doing things were wrong. He was like I'll come and get you in three days.
He never came back or called. Next day I found out he had called the landlord and gotten the key to get in the apt and he took all his documents. He had changed his credit cards address and left me behind. Thats why he was shock to find out I came home yesterday while he was planning his escape from me. He left me. After couple days I called his parents demanding I talk to him, they called me witch who had a spell over their son and other mean things, pointing finger at my character.
I pray five times a day, so I cursed the old man out and demanded he sent me divorce papers. He is yet to talk to me, he is hiding behind his parents. He used me, my family. I feel dirty, unclean, he raped me and gave me a kid, cuz thats what he came to do. Rape me. No wonder he didnt want a kid. Everything I see I cry over it, we made our own small house and he broke it. He gave me no excuse and left. He's not a man enough to call me back. He came to us to use me and my parents.
I know suicide is haram but what should I do, I have this SNAKE baby. I can't sleep, eat, am a dead body walking around. I dont want to keep this baby, for it has same blood as him. I need answers. Why did this happen, after all we did for him. His name is S.S. from Brooklyn New York. Why did he do this to me? Why did he use me? Ya Allah why? Why? I can't move on. I can't.
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Assalamou alaikum sister,
I really feel bad for you reading your story. Look, I have had a lot in common with you at various times. I know you feel miserable and alone and down. Please do not turn your hatred onto your baby. Regardless of who the father is the baby's spirit is from Allah and is a gift. He or she is innocent in all this. Look at your husband's paren'ts and the family he grew up in. This contributed to who he is today. You can do something different for this baby and give him a good upbringing, strong faith and understanding unlike what befell your husband. I am not saying it is not his fault, but it is also not the baby's fault so please try not to think of your baby in this way... the baby is a clean slate and may become a huge comfort to you regardless of who its father is. I say this as I divorced when I was pregnant and my son is the light of my life and Alhamdullilah he is nothing like his father, and I will make sure he has the love and teaching growing up to keep him on the straight path insha'allah and never grow like him.
I know it seems miserable now but you have this baby for a reason... he may be a trial but you may really grow and learn and be rewarded through him. Since you are feeling so depressed and negative right now please talk to your doctor about it and see if she can refer you to someone to talk to. You probably have an ob-gyn you are seeing regarding the pregnancy. My ob-gyn when I was pregnant was very helpful in this respect after I confessed to her what had happened as she saw I was unhappy, and made sure I got a counselor I needed. Alhamdullilah by the time my baby was born I was no longer depressed and I was able to care for him as needed and appreciate this gift.
Unfortunately there is not much you can do about the husband at this time, you cannot force him to become a responsible person. Maybe he will regret this and give you some support, it is more likely not. You have to decide what is important to you in your life and work towards that regardless of what harm another person did to you, and do not let them determine how you will live. Do not give him that power over you.
Instead, try to talk to your ob-gyn about seeing a counselor, depression is very common for pregnant women... on top of all your other troubles the pregnancy makes everything seem many times worse becuase of its effect on your hormones and emotions. Treating this even by talking to a counselor about it will help you regain control and feel more healthy and ready and even looking forward to deal with the baby when he or she comes.
Am So Sorry You Had To Go Through All That, Am No Expert On Islam So I Cant Really Comment,
Buh I Hope Allah (Swt) And Our Beloved Prophet (P.B.U.H) Give You Peace And Contentment (Ameen)
x
Salaams,
How this man and his family have treated you is horrible. However a few things,
First and foremost, no matter what, that child that you are carrying is an innocent child- I don't understand why you are now classifying intimate relations with your husband as rape in the aftermath of him abandoning you. To describe the baby as a snake is really bad. There are so many women whose husbands have abandoned them with children. This does not mean you take your frustrations out on the child. Of course the child is part of the father, but the child is also a part of you and above all, a gift from Allah. Just because he has deserted you doesn't mean you should also desert your child. Your husband will be held accountable from Allah for his misdeeds. But so will you if you do not snap out of this and focus on your unborn child and your own mental and physical health.
You say his own parents warned you that he was a fraud, so why didn't you take note of their warning? You say he didn't want children. So why not aim to develop a better relationship and discuss him changing his mind on having children before getting pregnant?
You may well be angry at yourself as in hindsight, you should have seen it all coming. You tried to make the best of it to no avail.
You have to turn to Allah to help you through this pain and concentrate on the responsibilty that you are now carrying. This is your child and deserves the best from you, in terms of love, care and guidance.
You have to move on, it just takes time. However the longer you dwell in an unhealthy way, it will take much longer or you may well inhibit your recovery altogether. There is nothing you can do to alter the nature of your husband. Plus with the cruel nature of his pathetic family, they will do their best to ensure he stays away. Who knows it might be their 'spell' that he is under. That same old discussion of spineless pakistani men who have been smothered by domineering mothers.
I know its horrible and feel sorry for you but I don't agree with your attitude towards your child. Turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness and guidance. I'm sure you will realise once your child is born and hold your child in your arms.
Take care
Hopeful
I agree with everything Hopeful has written. I doubt very much that your husband had the intention from the beginning of abandoning you, or that he married you just to have sex with you. That's just your depression talking, but it's not realistic. It seems that for whatever reason this man is afraid of the burden of parenthood. That's too bad, and it's a shame and loss that he will have to live with, and he will have to account to Allah for it one day.
The child is pure and innocent, a miracle and a gift from Allah. Instead of thinking that the whole thing was a lie and a waste, try to see the good that came out of it, namely a new human life, your child, who will always look up to you and love you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com
Dear Sister
If you get a chance seek out a book titled "Don't be Sad", if you read that you will admire the woman that the book refers to and it will inspire you to pick yourself up.
A child is the greatest gift that Allah SWT can give anyone. You hate this child, get rid of it, abandon it and you will do yourself the greatest injustice and you will be held to account.
Allah SWT may have created man superior to woman but with it comes a massive responsibility to woman (a wife), what your husband has done is shameful and him and his family will be held to account for their wrong doing so leave that to Allah SWT.
But you my dear lady may not realise the wisdom of my words today, you need to kick yourself into gear for it sounds to me like you are better off without your husband. It says in the Quran and forgive me for not knowing the surah and verse but it says "what you percieve to be good for you may actually be bad for and what you percieve to be bad for you may actually be good for you".
Allah SWT did not create women weak he created her strong and with amazing strength and sometimes during turbulent times she gets through the roughest of times.
You have a family that loves you, that have supported you and will be there with you through your pregnancy say Alhamduallah but wrong your child and you will then be in the wrong.
We struggle but we get through the roughest of times, but your child is no snake and as harsh as my words are compared to alot of women in the world who are subjected to far worse by their husbands say Alhamduallah they are men who are not worth a dime go against all that Islam says abot how a husband should treat his wife.
If you want to commite suicide there is only one place you will go and you should know that as a muslim, and my words are wasted and yes these are extremely harsh words because alternatively you can pray and pray and pray wtih so much conviction and cry until you can cry no more during your dua's because Allah SWT loves though who need Him and turn to Him in troubled times (as well as good).
Pick yourself up sister, WE WOMEN are strong and if you get through this rough period inshallah Allah SWT will reward you for your patience with a beautiful and devouted child and if you wish it and Allah wills it your path will cross with a man worthy of your love and imaan for there are decent men in this world.
You have much to look forward but you can't if you are of the mindsety you want to commit suicide such talk is for the weak and those without faith. Embrace life, hold onto your faith and love this child, be loving, caring and fair there is reward in that. But whatever you do, do not hate your husband and in your moments of anger ask Allah SWT to forgive him, easier said than done but who are we not to forgive when Allah SWT is most Merciful.
Forgive me if i sound a little harsh but we need that sometimes to wake us up a bit. Seek your friends and don't be alone during this time it's not healthy you need your family and friends you will find comfort with them and its okay if yo cry and then laugh.
Best wishes and let us know if you have a boy or gilr and what you name "him or her"
prays and thoughts are with you
Thank you for u kind words. I really do appreciate them. I am planning on keeping this baby, for it is mine. I am upset and depress because I can't believe how a husband or anyone u make memories with can just leave just like tat. I really don't care he left, but I want to know WHY! Y is he hiding behind his parents and Y isn't he confronting me. I had hopes that he will come bak but two days after he left he, he and his frnd went to my brother soon to b in-laws house and told them not to let their daughter marry my bro. That just pisses me off, y did he get so low and pulled tat move. Tat was the day I called his family and demand I talk to him and asked them y they did tis, at first they claimed that he's missing and they haven't seen him, liars, and started pointing fingers at me. And later I found out tat his family is spreading rumors about me and my soon to b sis in law sayin we r not good grls and etc.
I am gonna get a divorce from him and never let him see his child, for he is dead for him or her..
Hopeful his parents did warn us but tat was after they didn't like me,at first they said he is one of a kind and u will never find anyone like my sons. So hearing those words b4, and then calling ur own son fraudulent didn't make any sense.
Inshallah Allah will make him pay for it, and he will suffer as I am suffering. He left me on the second day of Ramadan on a Friday too and without any reason. Allah sees everything, for He shall not overlook this Inshallah.
But Inshallah eventually I will forget tat loser But its gonna take time,for we did make a lot of memories. But from now on my life will b devoted to Allah and my unborn child.
Salaams again Brokenhearted,
I really understand those sentiments and painful emotions you are going through. Where you want to understand WHY? You feel hurt and then angry and dwell on the past. But why waste time on someone who spares no thought for you or his own child you are carrying?
My lowlife husband, got his stay in the UK and separated. He came and went as he pleased. He stayed with us for a month in my new home after 3 years of separation but decided he wasn't a family man and cut off from me and kids completely from the last 4 months. He turned his back on two lovely daughters, they are now approaching 7 and 5 years soon. So after having two kids and 7 years almost, he can't commit to being a parent. He even, on seeing us in the street, ran away!!
I relentlessly questioned why? But forget it, there is no point in wasting one's time and energy. He acts like we never existed and boasts he's got his own life- it's a druggie on minimum wage, renting a room in a dirty house. What a great life huh!
That scum lives 15 minutes down the road from me and the children. My lowlife brother is his best pal and justifies all that is wrong with him- apparently it's my fault! Huh! I was his wife not mother! My father failed me repeatedly in not standing up for me and my mother has never had a go at him either. Plus my children still wonder about him and wish for him to return.
However, it is a test for us and even though I wish I never got married to him in one way, I do not regret my children at all. They are hard work on my own and I get no suppport from lousy family. Nevertheless, I love them so much and always ask Allah to forgive me and thank Him for all the blessings He has given. As for that degenerate husband, him removing himself from our lives is a blessing too.
I spent a good while destroying myself being depressed and so on. But who would take care of my kids if I allow this to ruin me? Men like this are not real men, they are an embarrassment. It will take time but faciliate that healing by praying to Allah. Obviously, I'm not completely over things otherwise I wouldn't bother to even insult him. An imam advised me to forgive my husband in order to forget. Right now that's a bit difficult to even get my head round forgiving that. However, anger and hatred of that person or their actions will hold you back.
Make time for yourself too. As in order to care for your child, you have to also care for yourself. Your most important job will be mother but you still have a duty to yourself. So maybe a do a course to occupy your time till the baby is due.
Take care,
Hopeful
Hopeful it must be real hard for you, for your family didnt even give you hope and consult you.
Cant believe your brother is taking his side!
He did you wrong thats y Allah is punishing him with a lowlife life he's living.
Brokenhearted his my sister and am her brother. We shall stand by her, and make her live in luxury and make sure she never thnks about tat guy. Inshallah Allah will reward u guys with everything you guys desire.
Salaams BeAl,
Thank you. Your sister's recovery from all this will be much easier with your support. I'm sure you will look after her well and that she'll never feel alone with you and the family's help. Insha'Allah your sister and baby will have a good life.
May Allah bless you all.
You are a good man and brother to your sister. I wish all men were like that. But at least some of them are! : )
dear sis
i am very upset to hear your story and i am very sorry what you have been thru
a cant realli give any advice as i am far from an islamic advice giver, as i have alot of questiosn to ask my self, but may Allah jee give u strngth faith and wisdom to overcome this horrible pain and may he have something good written for ur futre. Please sis i would liek to say one thing however, do not blame ur baby or feel hate towards it, as this baby will need a good mother. ur future is ur child, whatever hurt u ahve been through, the best thing u can do is move on and just think about beinga great mum to ur child.
Aslam'o'Alekum dear i realy feel regret about what happened to you but what can we do in front of Allah's will.
Dear your marraige was legal and the whole mistake is of that ill minded person who have done this to you.I am from pakistan and you can't imagine my heart stopped for a while as i read what happened to you.
Dear i want to say that there are some persons in this world who plays with people's hearts and souls without caring, he is cheap minded person as i think about him, such persons are black sheeps in our Islamic Religion he haven't thinked for a while about how easily he has ruined your life.
Dear my suggestion to you is that go to court and teach him a lesson so that he can remember what he had done, its very necessary.
And don't be disheart Inshallah Allah SWT will help you, seek refuge by reciting Holy Qur'an and Prayer, that is why Allah swt had said "this life is exam for the humans" and this is your exam and you have to pass it, and please don't think that this child is his blood he will be born with same qualities as his father, raise your child with good teachings and also make your bond more stronger with Allah swt may be this child brings blessings of god with him/her.
ANd again i feel ashamed when i know that he is a muslim and a pakistani as well, i can only say that he is a black spot on our face.May Allah guide him
Wassalam Nasir Mehmood
Hello,
I would just like to say to you I was left abandoned with three children at an airport by my husband. My home lost and my job lost. So trust me if I can get through that you can make it. Yeah they say men are stronger...in physical strength yeah sure. But the heart of a woman is the strongest thing in the world! You felt love with that man so you feel betrayed. Transfer all the lost love to your child(which sounds like you are trying). Either move out or change the locks. File divorce papers on him(reason abandonment) immediately if you so choose. My mother has always said this to me when I face hard times. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." This is very true. If you don't know your own value then stand in front of a mirror look at yourself and if you're a good person and know it then say it! Then tell yourself you are worth better then this. Because you are. If you did stuff wrong during the relationship then work on that to better yourself. It's up to him to change himself. Reasons he might have left you over: 1) he said he didn't want children. 2) he might have been afraid to be a parent. 3) marriage could have overwhelmed him. 4) women are emotional yo-yo's during pregnancy alot of men do not have the will to deal with this. I'm sure there is more...but does it really matter? The fact is he did it. That's on him. Instead of talking with you he ran away. Be the better person and be the best mother you can be.
Dear New Mommy,
What that man did to you is horrible. I went through a similar situation.
When I told the Biological father of my son he vanished. He was not
ready to be a father, so he abandoned us. I felt the same way, I was
going to have a baby by someone who did not Love me. It was so tough.
The hardest part is not over yet, sorry to say. I am going to tell you that I
gave birth to my son by myself. My parents did not want to be there for me
due to him abandoning me. They were upset, but I know God never left me,
nor he will leave you. I would never wish this feeling upon my worst enemy.
I did not want to hate him, but when I gave birth to my son and saw how little
he was and that man dishonored him, I hated him!!! Once, the baby is born
things will change. Now, he has came around but he still does not want to do
anything with his son. I suffer greatly but I have moved on with my life. Sweet
angel don't cry at night, he is not worth your tears of anguish. God, will judge
him and he has a terrible life to live for what he did to you. I am crying as I am
writing this because I am aware that there are many men who do this on a daily
basis. In my case the father of my son always would tell me that he wanted to have
a little boy, his absence my tears drowned my soul and my pain would consume my bones.
I have changed allot after this happened to me. I have a terrible relationship with my mother
for not been supportive towards me and I at any chance hurt his feelings. He looks for me
to still sleep with him and I have slept with him. However, things are different and I only
use him as he used me. Now, he suffers... He still has a lonely life to live as it has
already started. He often complains that he is alone in his house with his dog and I
tell him this is the way you wanted to be. I don't want him to change I much like him the
way he is "ALONE". HA